Can Relationships Survive After Abortion?

For some women, abortion is the result of an outright threat of abandonment if the woman won’t “do the right thing” and abort. Other times, the pressure is more subtle: “It’s your decision, but….”

Unfortunately, all the evidence shows that abortion to “save a relationship” almost never works. Many relationships between couples come apart shortly after an abortion. Others survive only because the partners are still bound together by grief. These relationships often turn into prolonged, mutually destructive mourning rituals.(1) Even married couples are often driven apart by an abortion unless they can find a way to complete the grieving process together.

Abortion breeds anger, resentment, and bitterness toward the partner who was not supportive or who ignored their partner’s desire to keep the baby.

At the same time, there is often tremendous pressure in the relationship to conceal one’s true feelings of grief or guilt. This can especially be a problem for men, who are often taught to hide their emotions. Men may also feel obligated to appear “strong” so as not to upset the woman any further.

Men can be affected by abortion in many of the same ways as women. Many men have reported post-abortion problems such as feelings of grief, helplessness and guilt; sexual dysfunction; substance abuse; self-hatred; fear of relationships; risk-taking and suicidal behavior; depression; greater tendencies toward becoming angry and violent; and a sense of lost manhood.(2)
When either women or men carry the emotional baggage of an unresolved abortion into a subsequent relationship, it can cause trouble in subtle and even dramatic ways.

This is especially a problem when they keep the abortion a secret from their spouses, who are then unable to understand their emotional cycles. The distortions in behavior that result when spouses keep secrets from each other can be devastating to a marriage.

At the very least, the “need” to keep a past abortion secret prevents couples from giving and receiving unconditional love. This deprives the relationship of the opportunity to reach its full potential.

It is no coincidence that the abortion rate and the domestic violence rate have risen almost side by side. Abortion, for both women and men, is associated with self-hatred, self-punishing behavior, and an increased tendency to act out anger and rage toward others.

A woman who is self-destructive or suicidal, but afraid to deliberately harm herself, may be more likely to become involved with a violent man. A violent relationship may allow her both to express her own rage and to experience what she unconsciously feels is the “punishment I deserve.” Because of self-hatred and low self-esteem, she may remain in the relationship because she thinks she doesn’t deserve anything better.

Certainly, there are many other causes of domestic violence. But substantial statistical evidence and many case studies show that abortion is contributing to this national tragedy.

Until these women and men are provided with an environment that promotes post-abortion healing, they are likely to remain trapped in these cycles of violence.


Dr. Theresa Karminski Burke is a psychotherapist and director of the Center for Post-Abortion Healing and author of Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion.

Related Articles:
The Wounded Generation
Men and Abortion
Abortion and Domestic Violence (See all articles in the Vol 4, No 2 & 3 of The Post-Abortion Review)
Index to Articles on the Psychological Risks of Abortion

Find Help:
Help During Pregnancy
Help After Abortion
Center Against Forced Abortions


1. Franke, L. Bird, The Ambivalence of Abortion (New York: Random House Inc., 1978) p. 63. See also Reardon, Aborted Women, 45.

2. Strahan, T., “Portraits of Post-Abortive Fathers Devastated by the Abortion Experience,” Assoc. for Interdisciplinary Research in Values and Social Change, Nov./Dec. 1994.




Can Relationships Survive After Abortion? — 268 Comments

  1. Samantha,
    You are worrying about your fiancé resenting you if you have the baby. You have no control over his feelings, but you do have control over yours. How will you feel toward him if you have an abortion? Most people worry about how the other will feel, but in the end, how we feel is what we have to live with the rest of our lives. I’ve had an abortion and I have children. The former gave me self hate, the latter joy.

  2. I prayed for you at Mass today, and look forward to the opportunity to continue doing so. Naturally everyone on this site will encourage you not to abort your child…and of course I join in their encouragement.

    I agree with Nel and others…ask for help.

    I agree with all those who’ve experienced the termination of a pregnancy — I did, at age 16. And never quite got over it, even though I know I’ve been forgiven.

    To put it bluntly? Don’t do it.

    To put it lovingly? We’re with you.

    May you continue to be blessed,


  3. Hi Samantha, first in most congratulation with your baby.. This is a gift from God that we are all of just like you and I we’re born so should your baby. I too had abortions and had to live with shame and guilt for almost 20yrs. My life was not stable one bit. The deceive of more money, career, and lone time was over crowding my mind than reality I was going to me a mom and it was going to be the best thing that could happen since it’s God who creates us. But as you know I didnt do a wise nor right choose. There is adoption as an option, still holding and loving your baby is a life changer with all the right ways..

    my best to you both and I will keep you all in prayer.


  4. Dear Samantha,

    Sometimes our hearts know things that our minds don’t want to accept. My dear, you would not be crying about the possibility of abortion if in your heart, you really wanted abortion. You’re crying because you don’t want abortion – YOU DON’T WANT IT. That’s the answer to your dilemma: your heart knows what you want and do not want.

    Your boyfriend’s health problem, your studies, your financial situation – these are all temporary problems that have solutions. They are temporary situations that will change.

    Abortion is a permanent decision. There’s no going back from it. Even if you got pregnant again, you would never have THIS baby again, this chance for unconditional love for and from THIS child.

    We make a mistake when we try to solve a temporary problem – a bad time in a good relationship; some financial difficulties – by doing something permanently irrevocable (ending the relationship instead of enduring the bad time; ending a child’s life instead of solving the financial problem).

    Your financial difficulties and so on will pass; you and your boyfriend, your family and friends WILL help you resolve all those practical problems so you can stop crying and you and your boyfriend, families and friends can joyfully accept and love your baby.

    All those practical, ‘logical’ problems have practical, logical solutions – and nobody has to die and nobody has to suffer a lifetime of regret and sorrow.

    Please, try to see that the death of your child is not the solution to a temporary financial problem or a temporary health problem in your boyfriend, or a temporary time of great busyness in your life. A child is not a problem; your baby is not the problem – finances, health, misgivings about being ready for parenthood – those are your problems.

    Almost every parent has misgivings about bringing a child into the world, changing their lifestyle, their ability to raise a child and their ability to be responsible financially and otherwise for a child. That’s just how it is when people get pregnant. It doesn’t matter if it’s your first child or your fifth child: you have misgivings about what could happen in the future, how you’ll cope, etc.

    Take your practical problems step-by-step; ask for help if you need it to solve those problems so you can have your baby. People will help. You’ll be surprised, so surprised, by the joy that awaits you when you have this baby, and so surprised by how helpful and kind and giving people can be to support you as you go through your pregnancy.

  5. Dear ONE,

    Please don’t think / worry about what may happen. Just pray and do what you know God wants. If you leave God’s will out of your decision, you will have one miserable life. AS St. Peter says, “Cast all your cares on the Lord for He cares for you.” No one loves you more that He does.

  6. Dear Samantha, may God grant you wisdom and peace. My fear is that it is way too easy to make decisions we will regret the rest of our lives, such as stopping a life because … fill in the blank.
    When i found myself pregnant at the age of 40, with my youngest of four children 11 years old, i was horrified! Today, my delightful fifth child, a daughter, is 26 years old and one of the best things that ever happened to our family. Fear not, the Lord will help you in surprising ways, if you just ask Him to. with love, a mom and grandma

  7. Dear Samantha,
    I’m so sorry you’re faced with a hard situation. I was too in my 20’s. I made the HUGE mistake of having an abortion. At the time, it may have seemed to solve the problem. BUT, it solved nothing. It made an absolute mess out my life for the following 36 years. I drank too much; became very promiscuous; couldn’t make a relationship work; started overeating; was full of shame and guilt for years; and had 2 more abortions and a miscarriage. That first abortion did NOTHING to improve my life.

    I’ll keep you in my prayers.


  8. Dear Samantha,
    You will regret having an abortion every day of your life. I have severe post-traumatic stress disorder, as a result of an abortion. Do you know if your child is a girl or a boy? Have you named her/him? These are the kinds of thoughts that may haunt you. If you really feel that you cannot handle your child at this point in your life, you may consider sharing him/her through the process of adoption. There are so many ways to remedy this situation without being aborted. Have you read any books about women who have aborted? They are filled with TRUTH – pain, grief, sadness, questions about the baby. Trust me, having an abortion will ruin your life a whole lot more than having a baby. the abortion ruined my life. 96% of all relationships pretty much die along with the baby. It’s just too fracturing. If you can find a copy of The Mourning After by Terry Selby, or any of David Reardon’s book, or the book Will I Cry Tomorrow by Susan Sanford-Rue, you will read more about this experience than you want to, but you will learn how bad it can actually get. Physically, your uterus will get scar tissue and you will have problems conceiving later. Emotionally & Spiritually, you will be affected. I cried almost nightly for four years. I rarely slept, and I need to go to a facility for two weeks to help with the healing process, then spent years having EMDR to handle the trauma. All the treatment cost money, and I was too sick to work. PLEASE consider the big picture. If your partner cannot support your decision, maybe he is really not your partner.

  9. Dear Samantha,
    I am so glad you reached out for advice at this website. It’s not accident that you came across this website. I know that it is a scary time because of the unknowns and uncertainties. You indicate that you are not financially ready to have a baby. That is one of the most common concerns that I hear when an unexpected pregnancy occurs. No matter your financial situation, you will find the means to financially support yourself and your baby. It always works its way out.

    If you do choose abortion, you will highly likely experience post-abortion trauma and stress and yes, it will almost certainly cause you to resent your fiancé. Abortion takes a terrible toll on us mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and sometimes physically as well.

    As a woman who has experienced abortion myself because I didn’t feel I was ready to raise a child, it has been the most painful and regretful choice of my life. You think that you will be able to go on with your life, but especially because you want your baby, you will most likely regret it and experience years of grief, loss, guilt and shame.

    Don’t let anyone encourage not to have your baby. Your baby needs you and is depending on you to give him/her life. God allowed you to get pregnant and your child will be a beautiful gift to you. You can do this Samantha!! Find support from a local pregnancy resource center in your area to walk with you through this. You are a mommy now even though you can’t see or feel you baby yet. I don’t want you to live with years of hurt and pain do to one decision made our of fear. It will stay with you for a lifetime. I want to encourage you to choose life for your precious little one. You won’t regret choosing life, but you will regret choosing abortion.

    I now help women who experience abortion and it breaks my heart to continually hear over and over their stories of brokenness because they choose abortion. I have recently been communicating with a women about your age who choose abortion because her fiancé didn’t want the baby. She is so sad now and is resentful at her fiancé and the relationship is suffering a great deal. But she is suffering every day and missing her baby.

    I am praying for you Samantha!!! God will get you through this. Just all on Him.


  10. Dear Samantha,

    You and your fiancé are already a family of three. I hope that you both embrace this gift that God has given you. You will always be a mother to this child. I pray that you trust and find the assistance that is out there to help your family grow. Making a decision to abort the baby is a life long decision that will be with you forever. I know as I was there once and made the mistake of aborting and it was 40 yrs ago. Be calm and don’t be afraid. You can be the mother to this child and hold it in your arms, this child has potential to bring much joy into your life. Peace sister.
    Nancy B

  11. Focus on the life growing inside of you and not all the issues you think a pregnancy may cause. Holding a new life in your and your fiance’s hands will let you know that all the troubles in life cannot compare to the love given in life from your own child. With or without a child life is a struggle. Without leads to regret. With helps build a family and love.

  12. Dear Samantha:
    In your heart, you know that protecting that innocent baby is the right thing to do. That baby will be the greatest blessing of your life, regardless of what the situation feels like right now.

    May the Lord give you courage to walk through this moment.


  13. I just found out this week that I’m 4 weeks pregnant. I took multiple home tests and saw a doctor. I’m pregnant. My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years, and just recently he proposed two weeks prior to us finding out we were pregnant. He told me from the beginning that he did not want kids, and my position was I’m indifferent. If it happens, it happens. But having kids was not on my agenda anytime soon. That answer was good enough for him. We are both 34 years old, never married, and never have had children. We just moved in together and things have been going well until our baby news. We were both floored and shocked, we were safe and then this happened.

    I want the baby but I am not financially ready to take care of one, nor is he. He has some health concerns he’s trying to figure out, and I’m currently working full-time and in school. He’s told me he does not want the baby, and doesn’t feel we are ready for one. He also said if that’s what I wanted he would be there for me. I agree we are not ready for one, we both are trying to keep afloat as it is, and having a baby would put on so much more stress.

    However, I feel if I have an abortion that this could be my last time to get pregnant; I’m in my mid-thirties. I’m also worried about the post-abortion stress and resenting my boyfriend, and if our relationship will overcome this. Although he says he would be there, I truly feel like he would then resent me for ruining his life because I know that is not what he wanted. My family would not be supportive, because they are Catholic and know I’m not financially ready for one. I feel that abortion is logical answer, but still not sure. I’m scared and having been crying all week, and just found this site to release some stress and maybe get some advice.

    • Dear Samantha,

      Please review the list of risk factors that identify women at greatest risk of more severe emotional problems after an abortion. These have been confirmed by the American Psychological association. You have mentioned several things that indicate you are at higher risk, including your own wish to keep the baby, including your ambivalence, the conflicting views of your boyfriend and parents, and the fact that having abortion is the “logical” thing even though it doesn’t resonate with everything you feel and believe.

      Let me say one thing. Once the child is born, your fiance will never resent having this child in your lives. Children grow into one’s heart. Many, many women and men regret their abortions. Very few ever regret having their children. (They may pull their hair out and wonder about it during a few tough teen years! But that’s why we grow to love them so much when they are little, to help us get through those teen years!) And as important as anything, if this was the last and only time you ever became pregnant, you would indeed regret this abortion even more in your old age when you are longing for the children and grandchildren you never had.

      Also, the finances will all work out, and there are many resources and programs to help couples with young children . . . and even the stresses of an unplanned prengnacy.

      If abortion simply turned back the clock and put things back to the way they were before one became pregnant, it would indeed be the logical thing to do . . . if you wanted to turn back time. But it doesn’t. Your life is already changed. You are already physically and emotionally a mother. The only question is whether you will ever get to hold your baby and see your child grow, or will you be left wondering about the baby that was never born like all the women who have miscarriages and abortions.

      As you can see in the testimonies here, for many women abortion is the experience they most grieve and regret in their lives. If you did have an abortion, I pray you will not suffer as they have, but there is a real risk that you may. I don’t think it’s worth that risk . . . or even lesser grief and regrets, especially when most people who carry an unplanned baby to term will tell you they are 110% glad that they did.

      Your child is an unexpected blessing. He or she is also a responsibility and a lot of work that will help you and your fiance to both grow as persons into more loving and caring and responsible people. Don’t reject this gift. Be bold in accepting it and starting out on this new adventure. You may have not chosen this adventure, at this time, but that is in part what makes it a true adventure! Accepting this challenge when it comes to you.

      Trust me. Your fiance may not be excited and may grumble, but if he truly loves you then he truly will follow through on what he said and will stand by you during this pregnancy. And then, not because of you, but because of the sweet love and innocence of his child, he will one day thank you profusely for bringing his child into the world despite his misgivings. In this your heart is wiser than his. For men, the idea of a baby is still a bit abstract while it is still in the womb. He doesn’t experience the baby as a living, growing life inside him. It’s just an idea that only truly “feels real” when he finally sees the baby born. That is when his heart will be transformed. Trust me on that. He will become FAR more excited about this baby once he sees and hold it. Until then, be the wise one who confidently knows that it will all work out of the best.

      You are in our prayers! In your heart, you are blessed to already know that this baby is a gift . . . maybe one that is arriving earlier than expected . . . but still a gift. Don’t risk all the regrets and grief that comes to those who have rejected such a gift and would now do anything to undue that mistake. Accept your gift, protect your gift, and reassure your fiance that one day he will be thanking you for your wisdom.

    • Oh, Dear. You feel like your life is going to be over, but it won’t. You can get a new life and it will be better than before, better than anything you had planned.
      Obviously, you don’t want an abortion. Your baby is growing so fast right now.
      When I got pregnant the first time, I was being used as a mistress of sorts. He said he’d kill me if I didn’t abort. In order to get away from this small time crime boss, I had to fake an abortion. Saving my baby saved my life. Maybe saving your baby will save your life too.
      I’m praying for you.

    • Samantha, I’m Amy.. nice to meet you.

      I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through at the moment with such a big life choice to make. I want to encourage you.

      I am 35 and just had my first son. I had 4 abortions in my past and it did not go well for me. I always believed that my age, or my financial situation were more important but I paid the price.

      Although I finally forgave myself the regret never left me. I would have an 18 year right now, but I don’t.

      My baby boy Evan is such an adorable young man. He is about to turn 1. I won’t pretend it is easy, financially or emotionally. But I wouldn’t change it for the world because he is a precious human and even though now, as he is young, it can be very tiring and sometimes stressful. I think to myself “one day he will be a man. He will love people, he will contribute to society, he will have hopes and dreams, he will hurt and he will cry, he will travel, he will marry and have his own children”

      So thinking of all that makes me realise there is a bigger picture involved. Sure we can always have more money, or more time or a better social life. But so what? Life is short.

      The best thing about having my son is the family aspect, it’s beautiful to see what a blessing my son is to his grandparents and aunties and uncles. He has given them a renewed lease on life.

      Please consider that what I have shared is the reality of having a child.

      I used to be terrified of childbirth. Will it hurt and will I cope. I was very anxious and my beautiful doctor suggested an epidural. She said “you don’t have to be a hero. all you need to do is do what’s best for you.”

      Best decision I ever made. It didn’t hurt much at all and I was relaxed and calm. IT was actually an enjoyable experience and I thought what a waste of all these years I was trying to avoid the pain of childbirth and i worked myself up to think it was worse than it was.

      Giving birth was actually one of the most memorable days of my life.

      So I will be praying for you and I know you will be provided for in each and every way. Bless you and your child.

      Love Amy

    • Dear Samantha,

      It is very, very unlikely your relationship would survive an abortion. You don’t want one. Don’t have one. Your partner will probably not feel positive toward your child right away. It usually takes guys longer. They have to feel movement, or hear a heartbeat, or see an ultrasound. We have concrete evidence much earlier, and we unconsciously bond with our babies a few hours after conception. There are hormonal messages exchanged.

      There are organizations that will help you with your needs. Please visit to find an organization in your area. This baby is not an accident. We don’t know God’s purpose, but I can tell you that God gives us children as a blessing, and now that we are older and sometimes need help, our children are there for us. We couldn’t have made it without them.

      As for what you are currently doing, I was going to school when I had one of my children. I was out a week in the middle of the semester, for the birth, and made straight A’s for the semester. If I can do it, you can, too. You are probably right that you will not have another child, and you will regret an abortion for the rest of your life.

      You’ll just have to take one day at a time, and God will provide. This is God’s gift, and He knows your needs far better than you do. Try to trust in Him. Pray. Seek God’s natural remedies for your fiance’s health problems. Try to do God’s will. We aren’t allowed to decide the moment of death for anyone; that’s God’s decision, and we especially are not allowed to decide the moment of death for our children. Your baby already has fingers and eyes, and brain waves and a heartbeat.

      This isn’t about logic. God transcends logic. And remember, abortion can kill or seriously harm you, and will leave medical damage regardless, because God designed our bodies to protect our children, and the only way we can overcome that is to harm our body. Please protect your baby.

    • Dear Samantha – I will be praying for you, your boyfriend, and your baby. I was pregnant during my freshman year of college and did not choose life for my baby. I is a decision I have regretted my entire life. I married the baby’s father a few years later, but our relationship was never the same. I suffered from post-abortion stress when I didn’t know what that was. It was horrible – I also did not know how my family would feel. I carried the shame and grief with me for over 20 years until I was able to talk to my husband about it. He never knew how deeply it had affected me. I think the grief he had from that caused him to become an alcoholic and he died of liver failure and a broken heart a few years later. When I was pregnant, I was very scared. I did not know there were so many resources to help. Over 25 years after I had my abortion, I told my mom and my sister and both of them said they would have loved me unconditionally and been there for me if I had come to them. I would prayerfully speak to family and a local pregnancy resource center, like CareNet, for help and advice I have worked as a volunteer in post-abortion ministry for many years – women have come to these groups seeking healing from deep regret and wishing they’d explored other options like adoption if unable to support the baby on their own. is a resource that can help you find a pregnancy center near where you live. You can call, e-mail or live chat. I will be praying for you.

    • Dear Samantha,

      Trust that your pregnancy is God’s plan for you and your boyfriend. Children are a blessing. Please choose life for your baby. There are many organizations that will give you financial support and there are also many couples who are infertile and very much want to adopt a baby. God will provide. Please go to and click on help center to find a center near you that will help you.

      If your family is Catholic, tell them and talk to a priest. The Catholic church always chooses life. The Catholic church teaches that abortion is an intrinsic evil. It’s the killing of an innocent life, which is always wrong. You don’t have to be Catholic to talk to a priest. Please go to your nearest Catholic Church and talk to a priest. He will be able to help you.

      I’m a mother with 5 children. I’m also Catholic. My oldest is in College and my youngest is 3. My 3 year old was born with a major heart defect and had to undergo a life or death surgery at birth. We’re so blessed the surgery was successful and he is doing well. What I’ve learned is there’s really no such thing as a planned pregnancy. It’s always been God’s timing. We’ve had miscarriages along the way, so it hasn’t been easy for us.

      Know that my family and I will be praying for you. Finances have been tough for us, but God has always provided. If the only way to save your baby would be for us to adopt it, my husband and I would. If you don’t feel that you could raise your baby, please choose life and choose adoption for your baby. Adoption is loving your baby.

      Love and prayers,

    • Dear Samantha

      I understand your concern, but now you have one more reason to live and give your best every day to be a better human being and take care of your finances. Money is not everything, we can buy many things, but love cannot be bought, you have the opportunity to live the best experience that anybody ever could, to be a mother and to have a family with your couple. Be brave! It is worth it. I have two children and twenty-six years of living with my wife and it is the greatest experience of my life. Sometimes we were short of money, but we have always make it because our goal has been our children and our union, that is: the family. I ask God may give you strength so that you and your partner say yes to life.

    • Dear Samantha:

      God has blessed you with this baby and you are already a mother! You are right to feel this is your last chance to conceive especially at your age. My husband forced me to abort our third child in May of 1971, she was 14 weeks, I saw her in Blessed Mother’s arms on Mother’s Day of 2000, the year I became a Catholic, and can’t wait to hold her in my arms in Heaven if I make it there. I regret not having stood up to her father every single moment of my life, more so as I get older and I am not 71 years old. This horrendous event tore apart our marriage and family and I pray for my husband’s (divorced) darkened soul!!! God bless you with the only decision of not killing your precious child as you will see when you hold him/her in your arm!!

      In Holy Love, Holy Truth,

    • Hello Samantha,

      I will be praying for you.
      Please read my poem..”Mommy,please let me live.” At
      Please remember, every life…in the womb and outside the womb is so…so…precious.

      You are so blessed to be pregnant….that child you are lovingly carrying will be such a blessing to both of you.

      With my prayers,

      Donald Andre Bruneau.

    • Hi Samantha. Don’t worry about your boyfriend potentially resenting having a baby. Why is it ‘your fault’ anyway? It takes two to tango and all contraception has a failure rate. He needs to step up to his share of responsibility in this situation.
      Most importantly, like most dads of unplanned pregnancies, chances are he will be smitten with his little son/daughter the moment he lays eyes on him/her. Becoming a dad can really have a powerful transforming effect on a man, even if he didn’t plan for it.
      Finances will sort themselves out. Believe me, you’ll get through it with a bit of planning and frugality, as countless people before you have done.
      If your family is Catholic, then even if your child is born outside of wedlock or whatever, they should applaud your courage in keeping the child and should support your life-giving decision, wholeheartedly and in practical ways. I have actually witnessed this type of positive reaction before, even when the woman thought her family would reject her.
      At the end of the day, all those worries melt away in perspective when you consider the most important issues, one of which you have already identified: this is a baby, a real baby; it is your baby, which already makes you a mother; you don’t know when or whether you will ever have another child; and could you really bring yourself to harm your own child, however small he or she is?
      Have courage. Try to clear your mind of other people’s expectations and go ahead, be bold, and do what you feel is right! You WILL get through it, you can do it and you and your baby WILL thrive!

    • Hi Samantha – you and your boyfriend certainly have a lot going on. Have you been to a pregnancy care center in your area? I’d be happy to connect you with one. Have you given any consideration to an open adoption? I know how uncertain and overwhelming times like this can be, I’ve been in your shoes. A lot of things can be worked out in the next 8 months. Pregnancy care centers offer amazing and free services. I truly wish I had had their services when I was in your situation. My daughter, our first born, would have been 35 years old this past week. I’ve been through what you called abortion stress and I do not wish it on anyone. You are stronger than you think. Talk to your family, I’m sure they’ll be more supportive than you think. They may be disappointed with your circumstances but might be more helpful than you think. But at least please considering meeting with the PRC and/or adoption counselor to know all of your options. Beautiful things can come it of adversity and challenges! Stay strong honey!

    • Here is Amy’s story. A young woman with a one year old; partner abandons her on Christmas Eve, then she finds out she is pregnant. Turmoil ensues for months; huge distress. Just before 24 weeks she finally decides to continue with pregnancy. She is in college; has the support of her ex’s mother. All of us hugely relieved when she eventually decides to continue. Molly arrives and thrives; Amy continues with education, with her family taking care of the baby and toddler; Amy decides to become a midwife, and is currently on a course to do that.
      There will be others who will want to be involved and to help in your difficult circumstances. It’s not the end of the world. It’s the beginning of a new phase of life, that is hard work, but joy-filled. Logic doesn’t come into the equation, as your body and emotions are geared up for bearing a child. It’s not like having a tooth out, or having a cyst removed.
      Talk to those who will listen and understand. Listen to your heart. And cry out to God, you will find Him there to hear and to help

    • Dear Samantha, often men are slower in responding to news that they are a father. It seems to be a common occurrence yet when they become connected to the reality, they completely change. If he proposed he loves you. Have you accepted? Fear is natural but it passes.Crisis and worries pass but regret doesn’t. I’m praying for the 3 of you. Let it be and embrace the gift of the little one you have been sent! So many women long for what you have. Protect your family and love. You will have no regrets. Trust Jesus. He is real. I know. He has made Himself known to me. If He is real then you can know all is good. Enjoy the family you are ! It gets better. Family is the only way to heal for your fiance. You will walk that road with him. Much love to you x

    • Dear Samantha,
      May I pray for you? “Father, in Jesus Name, I lift up Samantha and her fiance to You. I pray that You would give them both wisdom in this life changing decision of life or death for the child You have blessed them with. Give Samantha and her fiance peace and comfort, for You are their Prince of Peace, during this difficult time. Lead them to seek help and information about all 4 of their choices in this situation. Give me the right words Holy Spirit to explain to Samantha that she has 4 choices to choose from, not just one. Hold her close to Your heart during this time of decision and throughout her whole life and the life of her precious baby living inside her, who has its own separate precious life You have created. Amen.”
      My name is Nona Ellington, who had an abortion at age 15, now unable to have children as a result of that abortion. Instead I had 5 miscarriages, with 3 of them tubal pregnancies that required emergency surgery & very near death experiences. I also suffered through breast cancer 2 years ago, which I believe was also a direct result of that abortion. Huge price to pay to never be able to be a mother of a living child on earth. I am now 47 years old, with a message of LIFE for anyone who will hear my heart that abortion hurts women. I won’t go into all the details of the emotional and spiritual hell I’ve been through since age 15, but I will say I’ve been suicidal more than once. Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior lifted me out of depression and picked up the broken pieces of my heart & continues to to this very day. Your 4 choices are: 1.keep your baby & raise it with your baby’s father(there is financial help available to you with this option) 2. Carry your baby to term, then release your baby for adoption to loving parents that you will choose, who will pay for everything & you can choose open adoption, where you can keep up with the life of your child or closed adoption, where everything will still be payed for & you choose the parents, but no further contact after birth, with both of these choices you can change your mind a month or two after delivery, depending on your state 3. Carry your child to term, then release your child to the care of your state by taking your born baby to a hospital, fire department or police department or any other public agency, you will not be held responsible or punished because of the “Baby Moses and Safe Haven” laws across the nation 4. abortion, which you would need to choose from many, many choices of what kind of abortion to have done, ALL of which are very dangerous to your physical and emotional health and would end the life of your baby and very much higher risk of death for yourself compared to childbirth.
      You are very loved Samantha by Jesus and by me,
      Nona Ellington ( go to my website for resources & spiritual help during this difficult time)

    • Please contact option line and call Ramah International ASAP! They offer real sincere help! Please see a crisis pregnancy center right away and really talk with them about what is all going on with your life.

    • Hi there,

      As a woman who was deeply in love with my partner at the time I had an abortion, I can tell you for sure: abortion ruins the love that exists and ruins relationships. As a woman who had very high self-esteem before I had an abortion, I can tell you for sure: abortion ruins your self-esteem. As a woman who was mentally healthy before I had an abortion, I can tell you for sure: abortion may cause extreme trauma, post traumatic stress disorder, clinical depression, suicidal thoughts, years of grief, regret and profound loss. All of the reasons that you have to have an abortion will mean nothing at all compared to the awful realization that you were a mother, who was supposed to protect and keep safe a baby, but instead had it violently killed through abortion. I will always regret being so filled with panic and fear and denial that I chose to take the life of my own precious child. I pray for you to be brave and to take courage! I pray for you to tell your partner that you need his full support and you need him to say he will always be there as a father to his child and will help you raise a child! I pray for your unborn child, and that God will touch your heart and help you to save your child and yourself! I am sending you much love!

  14. Me and my ex had an abortion about a month and a half ago. I assured her I would support her on any decision she made but I still let her know that I wanted to have the baby. When she had the abortion I was so sad and depressed. I didn’t eat like I used to, I stayed up a lot of nights crying in my bathroom I tried getting motivated to go to the gym with her but I didn’t even want to do that from how bad I was hurting inside. About two weeks ago we go out drinking and I lash out on her calling her every name in the book. I said a lot of things that I didn’t mean. I love her so much and she really is the woman of my dreams. She decides to break up because she felt so many negative attacks that night and that she doesn’t deserve someone calling her names like that. I don’t know what to do anymore but wish her the best and tell her that I’ll always love her. I live with a lot of regret and pain I let my anger get the best of me. I never wanted to talk to her about how I felt after the abortion because I know it must have hurt her a lot that she did that. It’s like I had all these emotions bottled up and I let them out like an idiot and said a bunch of crap I didn’t even mean. I will never be the same and she’s gone.

    • Hello J, I’m so sorry for your loss. Sadly, what you are describing isn’t uncommon for men.

      Especially one of the partners doesn’t really want the abortion, there can be feelings of sadness, pain, anger, betrayal and resentment that build up, and it gets worse when you don’t feel like you can talk about them or express them in any way. You may feel the need to bottle them up for the sake of saving the relationship, but then they come spilling out when you don’t want them too, as you’ve discovered.

      You can find a lot more information on the effects of abortion on men here, but I would also suggest talking to someone who’s been through this and/or a counselor who can help you work through these emotions. There are many groups out there who offer this kind of free, confidential support for men. You can find more information in the resources section here. If you are outside the U.S., see if a pregnancy center or pro-life ministry in your area offers such support. Also, Rachel’s Vineyard offers support through email.

      Second, I recommend the book “Men and Abortion: A Path to Healing,” by CT Coyle, which addresses many of the issues you’ve described. It is based on an intervention for program for men hurting after abortion and contains practical suggestions as to how men can put these ideas into practice. It can be a good place to help you start making sense of your pain and learning how to cope with it, although it shouldn’t take the place of post-abortion counseling.

      I hope this helps! Reaching out for help can be a huge and often intimidating step to take, but it is worth it.

    • If she won’t talk to you, J, perhaps you can write her a handwritten apology. Tell her you will look into getting help sorting through all of your own feelings about the abortion loss. Reassure her that you understand that you understand why she thought the abortion was best, and that you know she (and you) didn’t know how much it would affect you . . . but it does sometimes effect men that way (pointing her to one of the articles here, or including a copy in your letter.)

      Ask her to forgive you for your outburst. You were in pain, and expressing your pain through anger and accusations was wrong . . . but also very human. Reassure her of your love for her. Indeed, you love her so much that even this pain does not diminish it. All you ask is that she understand and allow you to work through your grief. And assure her you won’t throw blame and names at her again. You want the best for her. You know her decision to abort did not involve any spite toward you, but it was a loss that you are having trouble dealing with. Can she please be patient with you? Can she please forgive you for failing to find a better way to reveal your pain?

      You are both in our prayers.

  15. My wife went out and got an abortion without me knowing. She laughed when I asked how our son was doing. I’m taking it badly. Our daughter is 9 months old and she has done a great job so far, but has found her very demanding, which is why she doesn’t want another so soon. But after this I really don’t think I love her anymore, I feel angry and resentful, physically sick and an overwhelming amount of despair. Now I don’t know what is best. If I leave her, my daughter may well end up here in Nigeria, she is white with blue eyes. I’m British.

    • Ian, I am so sorry for your loss. What a devastating experience for you. Many people don’t realize what a terrible impact abortion can have on men as well. Try to out reach out if you can to someone who can help you work through your pain and grief and figure out how to resolve things with your wife. Even if she is not ready or willing to talk about it, you need to do this for yourself.

      I don’t know what programs, if any, are available for post-abortion counseling in Nigeria. There is an organization called Culture of Life Africa that may be able to put you in touch with someone in your area. I would definitely suggest getting in touch with Rachel’s Vineyard as they offer support through email. There is also a section on their site with articles, information, stories and support for men struggling after abortion. You can also visit the men’s page here for more information that might help you as well.

      There is also a book by Dr. Catherine Coyle called Men and Abortion: A Path to Healing. One of the main themes of the book is learning how to forgive those who hurt you through the abortion. It is based on an intervention for program for men hurting after abortion and contains practical suggestions as to how men can put these ideas into practice. The book is available on Amazon.

  16. Hi my name is Katelyn..I have two sons already one 3 year old and one 1 year old.. my and my older son is special needs and has regressive autism and lives a few days a week with his’s very tough having 2 boys but I love them..I work in management and work nights my older brother lives with me and works days so I can take care of my sons in the daytime….so pretty much last November I met a guy named Drew on tinder..I know that sight has a horrible rep but being a single mom I didn’t and don’t have much time for social life..anyways we talked a bit exchanged numbers and started talking a bit he met me for drinks and I was surprised to find we had almost an instant connection and a ton in common both very artistic..he’s a tattoo artist.. we are both adopted..our morals and beliefs ect ect.and very surprisingly that night he opened up about some very deep stuff..such as how how he did some prison time for dealing coke I could tell it was a touchy subject but was surprised he felt he could share it with me a complete stranger at that point..and after that just hung out at his place for a bit and he took me home..we kept talking and the next time we hung out yes we had sex..I honestly thought that would be the end of it..but no the very next day he texts me asking “where do I see things going with him?” My reply was simply that “I wasn’t really looking for a relationship right now but I’d like to just get to know him and see where things go”..honestly his next response felt like he was just saying what he knew I wanted to hear because it was pretty much..”yea I’m not looking for one either even if I wanted one its not what’s best for me right now”..interesting right?..but he also said this..can you at least promise you won’t see other guys while you’re seeing me and I promise I’m not seeing other girls either”..hmmm anyways I agreed to this sensing he was staking a claim though it was unnoficial ..he asked me to come and hang out with him that night while he tattooed his cousins..was very nice didn’t try anything just hung out and enjoyed each others company for hours and hours..we kept texting after that all the time and suddenly he just stopped replying altogether..I didn’t think much of it cause hey I met him on let me just put this out here right now..I only knew him and was talking to him for about a week and we hooked up once..I was on protection I used the depo shot..I was a few weeks late with my next shot series because my doctors were out of it when I went to get it and just told me to take the pills instead and I’m sure I missed a few because I have a hectic life..njkp/mom of 2 and I don’t really see guys that often I take it because it makes my menstrual cycles lighter..anyways we stopped talking and I was a little bummed it’s rare that I meet Somone so similar to me..and I came to find out a little into December that I was pregnant..I was in shock and terrified and from a pretty much one night stand no less..I never believed in abortion but this really seemed like my only option at this point..another baby would have ruined my life and my career..and at least my other sons fathers had long term relationships with I tried calling/texting even fb messaging him even though we weren’t friends..I know -.-.. to tell him what happened and that we needed to discuss how to handle this..his cousin and mother contacted me telling me he had entered into an at least 9 month drug rehab program/facility and I guess they were monitoring his phone for him while he was away..I was really in shock now because he seemed so put together a regular workaholic..I knew he had mention dealing drugs in his past but I never knew he used or that those demons had tracked him this far..each time I did see him I had noticed he had a drink and not like a beer or anything I mean a hard drink like jack and coke or a vodka and redbull and several and smoked a little pot here and I guess I just didn’t notice how much he was struggling and he never told me he entered the rehab and I can’t blame him I can’t imagine telling Somone I may be potentially interested in that kind of would’ve probably made him feel like less of a man or revealing his life was in shambles at the moment..I was in shock and instantly regretted leaving the messages to tell him..I didn’t want to add to his hardships and I knew I couldn’t ask him to be part of this babies life it wasn’t fair to him..and I knew I didn’t have the heart to give it up for adoption we both were adopted and if he had any of the haunting questions I had growing up knew I couldn’t risk putting that child though that..having questions that might never be answered feeling like you were abandoned or wondering if they ever looked for you..I just could do it and I prayed that God would forgive me and that I could one day forgive myself for allowing this to happen..I really did and still do have a great deal of care for him even though I barely knew him..I had the abortion at about 9 weeks and felt terrible..I strongly question myself as a mother’s hard for me to even look at my sons now because I killed one of my would be children..I feel so guilty..and I felt a sense of impending dread..what would happen if and when he saw those messages would he try to contact me and talk to me? would he be angry?..or would he just be like fuck it not my early this April I summoned the courage to write a letter to him and then call is drug rehab center..they immidiately put him in the phone with me..I honestly didn’t think he would remember me..I started off by saying “hi I don’t know if you remember me this is Katelyn”..his tone instantly lightened and he seemed thrilled to hear from me asking how I was doing and so on..I asked him if he knew or his family had told him anything that had happened recently and he confusingly said was clear my letter had not reached him yet I told him that what I had to say may be something that would be difficult for him to hear but it was his right to know..I told him how I had found out I was pregnant shortly after we stopped talking and that I had terminated the pregnancy because I couldn’t raise another child at this time..his tone instantly darkened only a few words that I’m still not sure we’re just from shock or a dying desire to escape the conversation..just “yeah..yeah..ok..yeah bye.”..I thought telling him would give me closure that I had done the right thing trying to tell him before about the pregnancy and at least telling him now since it was his right to know no matter how little I knew him at the just isn’t in me to hurt another person and I had put it off long enough because of my own guilt fear and dread..but no I haven’t gotten closure I feel I made a terrible mistake giving up my child and can’t forgive myself..I feel I may or may not have ruined a potentially great relationship or friendship..he still hasn’t replied to my letter and a part of me wishes he would it feels like he doesn’t care and maybe he never did..I know what happened was hard and that neither of us wanted it to happen..but sometimes bad shit happens..I know this kind of thing has the power to destroy relationships to destroy friendships and sometimes even destroy people and it’s definitely taken its damage on me..but I still care for him it’s just hard to move forward and would hate to miss out on knowing him better because of it..but I don’t know how he feels or if he would even be willing to talk once he gets out..I know he’s trying to better his life since he’s in rehab because of a relapse and has been dealing with a 12 year crack and Herione addiction but a small part of me still hopes he cares and that he will at least write back to me in regards to my letter telling him everything that happened..please give me some advice and how to handle a partner who’s an addict but is trying to better himself..I know I only knew him a week but this whole experience is eating away at me and I wish I could move forward or at least have as mall glimmer of hope that he won’t resent me for this unfortunate event..

    • Katelyn, I don’t really know how you should handle your relationship with the baby’s father. But you should seek some support and counseling for yourself, to work through and heal from issues that you might have related to your abortion that might be affecting you and your relationship with your sons. Healing for yourself can put you in a better place to make the right decisions regarding the father, too.

      If you haven’t already done so, I would suggest visiting our healing page to find out more about getting support and for a list of organizations that can help. It is really important to talk this out with someone and no doubt they can also help you figure out what to do about the situation with the father.

      Rachel’s Vineyard is a great organization that offers support to women and men worldwide (plus they offer support through email).

      He may also be hurting and need help as well, if he’s willing to accept it. There is more information on men and abortion here, including a list of organizations that offer help and counseling to men who have lost children to abortion (or he can also try Rachel’s Vineyard).

      • hi this is Katelyn I’m feeling very depressed and very anxious all at once paint a small picture like a golf ball is lodged in my throat or my chest for 2 reasons..just as I thought I was getting some closure with this feeling saddened by my choice but still feeling it was right given the situation to have the abortion and telling the guy early in April because I felt it was his right to know..I didn’t think I would hear anything else from that point..but just last Saturday I found in my graveyard Mail on fb letters from him while he was still in rehab saying this “Hey I’m not angry with you ,,,,I. Any stay on facebook for long ,, send me your address ….I lost your address” and this “Write me and I’ll right back-and Tel you what’s been going on!send me some pics when you write” …he sent me these on April 8th and I didn’t come across them until just a few days ago I was very surprised/shocked and replied to them apologizing for not seeing them sooner and apologized once again for the news I had given him then because I knew it had to have been a lot for him to process..I sent him these just this last Saturday and haven’t received a response since even though he had asked me to just makes this situation very stressful and somewhat disheartening I’d like to just have closure and move past this but it seems like the road is very long and weary at this point I don’t know what to think I feel guilty and confused..

        • Hi Katelyn, it sounds like you are going through a lot right now. It sounds like you are trying to put this behind you, but anything connected to the abortion is likely to bring up these feelings of sadness, anxiety, etc. that you are describing. As with grieving any loss, you will have times of feeling worse before you feel better (especially if you are trying to work through the pain and not just ignore it), but it doesn’t mean you aren’t moving forward.

          I know this seems like a long road but I think you can make it, you just need some help to do it. I hope you saw my last post about contacting a group for post-abortion support, as this could really help. If you don’t have anyone to talk to about this situation then your emotions can just keep building up, with nowhere to go. So please consider contacting one of the groups listed on our healing page, or emailing Rachel’s Vineyard for support. I know this can seem like a big and even frightening step, but please know that many of these groups are made up of people who have been where you are and wanted to help other people find the healing that they themselves have experienced. They are there to support you and help you work through your emotions, not judge or criticize you.

  17. My girlfriend of 4 months wants an abortion, I know it’s early on but I’m dead against it. I’ve got a 4 year old from a previous relationship and she has a 5 and 6 year old from a previous relationship, she told me she got pregnant after 6 months with her first child and getting rid of it wasn’t an option for them, so why is it different with me? Should I take it personally or am I reading into it too much? I just don’t think I’ll be able to speak to her again after it.

    • Please encourage her to read the risk factors that identify the women who will have the most problems after an abortion. The fact that she already has a child puts her at higher risk.

      She should also read up on the psychological and physical risks . . . things they won’t tell her at the abortion clinic.

      I don’t know if I would take it as a particular rejection of you. She just feels overwhelmed, especially since she already has two children. It’s tough taking care of a baby and older ones, and holding down a job, et cetera. But having an abortion just produces new stresses and problems that are hard to live with.

      Try to help her realize that having an abortion won’t turn back the clock. It won’t let her go on with her life as if nothing had happened. She will still be a mother: of two living children and one dead child, whose loss will have to be mourned and for which she will struggle with self-blame for years, possibly forever.

      Do the best you can to be encouraging. Promise, and follow through, on your responsibilities to be a good father to the child and good example to her other children. I don’t know of marriage is right for the two of you, but at the very least you need to commit to being a good co-parent. She needs to know that she is not alone in dealing with all of these new responsibilities.

      You are all in my prayers.

  18. hey am Nicholas from Uganda, my girlfriend talked to me about about and didn’t support her at all on doing it but later told me that she had removed my baby. The situation worsened after the process but was by her side, paid hospital bills and others. she told me never wanted to loose her new and first job after university. Its four months now but feel like letting her go and move on because I suspect she never loved me. Want to go there today and be Open to end this relationship because am tired now even if we had been together for 4 years now. Please advice me but feel likely commiting suicide.

    • Hello Nicholas, I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure you must be in a lot of emotional pain right now. Please don’t give up but seek out help. Abortion does hurt men too — you can find more information on this at Please especially visit the section with Post-Abortion Resources for Men: Help, Healing and Information, for links to sites that have a lot more information on this issue. I don’t know if there are healing organizations for men in Uganda, but you can contact Rachel’s Vineyard for help through email. They would be very glad to talk with you and provide help by email. Here is the information from their site:

      Rachel’s Vineyard has numerous volunteers who can answer any questions you may have through confidential e-mail. You can simply write our e-mail buddies, who are listed below.

      Most of us are persons who have walked down the same path as you and have experienced the healing power of Jesus Christ through a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat. Others are counselors trained in post-abortion healing or compassionate women who help run retreat teams. We are here to offer nonjudgmental, loving support and encouragement. To get support through email visit here:

  19. hi.I’m 18 and I’m 3 months pregnant.I want to do abortion but my partner doesn’t want me to do it.he’s saying he’ll support me and the baby but I don’t want to keep the baby because if I do keep the baby I’ll be forced to drop out of school but I don’t want that because I’m doing my matric this year and my family will hate me if they found out I’m pregnant. and I have been talking to my partner about this whole thing how it’s gonna ruin my life but he doesn’t want to listen to me..please help I don’t know what to do.

    • I understand all the practical reasons to have an abortion. It looks like a way to keep your life from going “off track.” But abortion is not a time machine that takes everything back to the way it was before you became pregnant. Your boyfriend is now a father. You are now a mother. Abortion doesn’t change that. Even a miscarriage wouldn’t change that. Any form of losing this pregnancy only makes you the parents of a baby who died rather than one who lived.

      Like I said, I understand how at first glance abortion looks like a good solution. But countless women have found that it plants the seeds for new problems that are far worse. Many women regret their abortions; very few ever regret giving birth to their children.

      Please read about the risk factors that identify the women who are most likely to have the most severe psychological reactions to abortion. Then read about both the psychological and physical risks . . . including the increased risks faced in future pregnancies, such as increased risk of low birth weight babies.

      Then read some of the testimonies of women who thought abortion would solve their problems but discovered it created more. Finally, you might read some of the stories about how abortion effects men so you can better appreciate how going through with this abortion may not only damage your relationship with your boyfriend but may also place a burden of guilt and shame on him for the rest of his life . . . leaving him feeling as a failure in providing and protecting for both you and his child.

      In short, I agree that abortion is more likely to ruin than improve your life. I totally understand how it seems like the “only thing to do” because it prevents any disruption of your schooling plans and conflict with your parents. But many women have found that their schooling is disrupted anyway, because they have difficulty concentrating, depression, or other problems related to their abortions. And the secret of an abortion itself becomes toxic in families, and when it is eventually revealed can cause other disruptions.

      Your parents will adjust. If it really is best for everyone that you and/or your boyfriend not raise the baby, adoption is a safer option.

      I don’t know if you believe in God or not, but especially if you do . . . don’t give up HOPE! Life has thrown you a curve ball. Your life is already permanently changed. For believers, we believe that while unexpected and filled with challenges, this gift of new life to you and your boyfriend is a blessing. One you will always treasure. One which, someday in the future, you will be shocked to remember that you ever even thought about aborting him or her.

      Things will work out. Don’t give up your faith and hope for a wonderful future. Instead, expand that vision to include your child.

      You are in our prayers. Please write again if I can be of any more help.

  20. Ive been engaged to my fiancé for 2 months now, in 5 months we set the date to get married. It has been stressful just because so much has happened to me and my family in the last 2 months. I lost my father a week after I moved out of his house. It has been really emotional for me because I didn’t leave on the best terms and I feel some regret and sorrow. I moved into my mom’s mobile home with my fiancé so that we could save up money for our wedding and new house. Along with my mom is her boyfriend and my younger brother. So there’s a lot of people in a tiny space and we all don’t get along most of the time because of other complicated reasons.

    There’s also the fact that last month I almost lost my whole family… Someone who had it out for my mom showed up in our house with a gun ready to kill everyone in the house. I had escaped out of the house and called 911 and I had no idea if Id ever see them again and felt like I had left them to die. Fortunately, only the man with the gun lost his life.

    Another layer to the story, I just turned 23 graduated college, I quit my 3 jobs to move in with my fiancé in a completely different state. It feels like a different world to me and its caused me to become depressed because I can not seem to find a job that I would be happy doing that I got my art degree for. I almost started working another job just to make some income for us but my fiancé convinced me that I would be unhappy and it wasn’t the right decision because he knows Id become depressed not doing my art. He knows it eats away at me because I feel if I got a job doing something non art.. in a way I would be letting my dad down who was so proud of me pursuing my art career before I had moved. Everyone has been understanding and patient with me about my career and I’m actually in the process of opening up my own studio.

    My fiancé, has had such a hard life too bless his soul. He is 10 years older than I and I think it has been to my benefit because he is understanding and more mature about the poor life choices I had made in the past that other relationships weren’t understanding about. He is a victim of a brutal bus accident that happened to him years ago. He’s had to suffer with it everyday of his life, chronic pain, memory loss, and sometimes seizors. He tried to go back to work last month, the trouble is his leg would give out and he’d hit the floor and sometimes it would trigger a seizer. Ultimately he had to quit his job and rely on disability. So we live off of that check and its barely enough to get by. I know he feels less of a man because of it, which made the news of me being pregnant so much harder.

    I just found out that I am pregnant, for a total of 3 days now. I was late 3 days, and at the time didn’t think much about it because I am irregular and I have horrible periods to where I have to stay in bed for a day or two because Im physically in so much pain and sick to my stomach. Well, this time things weren’t so normal… I got very bad hunger pains and dizzy/lightheaded and fall to the floor crying and crawl to my cell phone to call my fiancé into the house because something was wrong. He’d try to help feed me but I’d puke it up… the second time it happened my mom asked if I was pregnant. I thought that it was hardly likely that I was… just thought it was going to be a really bad period. But my fiancé went to the store to a test and it came back positive. When it came back positive there were a lot of emotions for me. I was angry at myself for letting this happen. The possibility of even letting a baby come into the world sickens me because I know that I am not ready to be a mother. But on the other hand, I was slightly pleased, because there’s apart of him growing inside of me. But I feel so much anguish because again, I let this happen and I know, that me personally, I am not ready to be a mother and I do not want to raise a child in this mobile home. My fiancé has suggested we move in with his parents instead, but that frightens me because I don’t want to be stuck depending on other people and having to raise a child. I want to be independent and on our own to then raise our children as we see fit. Not have a village raise a child.

    Sadly, my fiancé doesn’t feel the same. He agrees with me that the timing isn’t the best. But that’s all he seems to agree on. He wants to get another job to support us and keep the baby. He says, “God let’s things happen for a reason” and “You want to get rid of it.” I forgot to mention, he has a 7 year old son from a previous relationship that went sour and he hasn’t seen his son in 4 years. (I know that not having his son in his life and having his son taken away from him by the mother mysteriously one day and never hearing from them again has paid a toll.) And telling him I don’t want this child crushed him. He said he felt insecure because I don’t want his baby. Which is not true, Im just not ready for this baby. I want to have children with him in the future. And I know we as a couple are not ready finically. When I tried to talk to him about it tonight he said he didn’t want to talk about it. That if I was going to do it, he wanted no part of it and never wanted me to speak of it again.

    I feel trapped. I have already made up my mind, that it would be selfish to bring another life into the world that we couldn’t take care of, at the moment we can’t support ourselves very well either. I hate to take away his say so on the matter. And I know it’s going to change us. Even though he says that he won’t resent me, I already feel like he’s angry and resenting me. And for now, I feel perfectly fine with the idea of aborting, because I know its the right choice for me and the unborn. I want to be overjoyed bringing a new life into the world. It doesn’t have to be a planned pregnancy. But, again, I want to provide for my future child, not rely on family.

    I’ve done some research about how women have felt after aborting. That they can feel its the best option for them, then feel grief after its over with and resent others or not be able to explain why they feel the way they do, and I just don’t want that to be me… I don’t want him to be unhappy with my decision either. And in a way, I feel selfish that I can’t make myself feel like I could be ready for a baby. I just ABSOLUTELY 100% don’t feel ready at this time for a baby. And I feel like, if i do decide to go through with it, it will end our relationship in the long run. And it’s very hard not to be able to talk to him about how I feel or discuss it or feel any sort of support or comfort. I guess ultimately, I wished I had controlled this better to where I wasn’t faced with this hard choice.

    • Hi LM,

      Thank you for posting your story here. It sounds like you are in a hard situation and having an abortion might seem like the only way out.

      But right now you are in crisis and that is always a bad time to make important decisions.
      Even if your immediate reaction is that it is impossible for you to have a child right now, feelings and circumstances can change. You don’t want to make a spur of the moment decision that you may end up regretting down the road.

      You are also right that having an abortion without your fiance’s support will probably hurt or destroy your relationship. If you make this decision without him it is likely to lead to resentment and anger between you and drive you apart.

      If sounds like you are having mixed feelings about this situation as you say that you were slightly pleased at the thought of having a baby. Having mixed feelings about the abortion, not having support from the father, and feeling like you don’t have other options are all risk factors for having emotional problems after abortion.

      Please take the time to think about this, talk with your fiance and others who can give you support, learn about all your options and resources that are available to support you. If your primary reason for the abortion is concern about your financial situation and being dependent on others, there are organizations out there that can help you find resources to address this. Please consider contacting one of the resources on this page for help: They can walk with you through this difficult time in your life and help you make the best decision for yourself and your unborn child.

      I also just saw an article from a group called CareNet relating how they helped a single mom who was pregnant with her sixth child. They were able to provide her with the help she needed and they can help you too. Please consider contacting them ( or one of the groups at the link above.

      Finally, here is a site about raising children on a budget that may offer some inspiration and help. That’s not to say it will be easy, but to show that it is indeed possible.

      Also, feel free to send us an email if you need more information or to be put in touch with a group that can help you:

    • Before you act, I you to read about the risk factors which predict which women will have the most post-abortion problems. It’s a mistake to think that an abortion will simply “turn back the clock” to before you became pregnant. It will bring it’s own additional issues into your life and possibly even greater distress.

      It is very insightful of you that you started out your post describing all the recent losses and stress that you are facing. The stress of living in a crowded space, on top of the loss of your father–which probably still includes ongoing grief and healing–contribute to how overwhelmed you likely feel. In the face of these current feelings and pressures, it is hard to imagine and fully appreciate the joys and intimacy and healing that the birth of a child will bring into your life.

      The big danger is that abortion is both a stress reliever and stress creator. It eliminates immediate, short term stresses and will give you a feeling that you have control over your life and that you have avoided “obvious” long term disadvantages of an untimely birth, but it also creates tremendous stresses in regard to new feelings of loss, the death of a child you never got to know, and maternal and moral conflicts . . . which often don’t fully rear their heads until the birth of a later child, or the death of a loved one.

      In short, an abortion trades near term problem for long term problems. While many women will come to regret their abortions, very, very few ever regret giving birth to an unplanned child. In fact, in your case, it is clear that giving birth to your child will help you and your fiance grow closer together, whereas having an abortion will plant a stress point between you in which someday one or the other of you will be accusing the other of this or that.

      You are in my prayers. While I don’t know with certainty will regret an abortion or suffer from any of the major physical or psychological complications associated with abortion, I can promise you that if you give birth to your child you will look back with great happiness on the fact that you didn’t have an abortion. Your child is a blessing on you, your fiance, and your future marriage. Don’t reject that blessing. Embrace it!

  21. I have a daughter 7 months and now I’m pregnant again getting close to 2. I am not married to my children’s dad and to me everyday shit just keep getting worse. At 1st he wanted an abortion but then when I expressed I did not want that he decided for us to go through with the pregnancy. However I don’t think that I can be with him anymore. He is not ready for anything real with me. About 2 months ago he bought our rings but never did the paper work to make it legal. He never spoke to my dad nothing.Now he has started talking to all different females and I just cant do it. I feel like I just want to die. 2 children is not that easy to start again. I don’t even want my first child anymore. All I keep wishing is that God take them or he take me. I really trying hard to keep positive but is like I have no 1 to confide in. I just really hate myself for getting pregnant again and I really hate my children’s father. I want to abort this child and give up my rights with my next baby. I just cant deal with this and the stigma and pieces that is left behind. I really hate my life and I just don’t want to be a mom anymore.

    • Hello DC,

      I know you are in a hard situation right now. But abortion will not fix your problems. It won’t change the relationship with the baby’s father or the child you already have. But it is likely to create worse problems down the road.

      Right now you are in crisis and this is not a good time to make a decision like this. You need help and support from people who can help. Please consider contacting one of the resources on this page for help: They can walk with you through this difficult time in your life and help you make the best decision for yourself and your unborn child. They also offer lots of support and resources.

      If you are really thinking about harming yourself or your children you need to get help as soon as possible through a crisis hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255.

      Having a baby under difficult circumstances and feeling abandoned and alone is never easy. But you can do it and you will hopefully find that this baby is a blessing to you! I also just saw an article from a group called CareNet relating how they helped a single mom who was pregnant with her sixth child. They were able to provide her with the help she needed and they can help you too. Please consider contacting them ( or one of the groups at the link above.

      Feel free to send us an email if you need more information or to be put in touch with a group that can help you:

    • Hi DC,

      My prayers go out to you in this time of such distress. It sounds like you may be struggling with a lot of depression and anxiety. Is there any way you can see a counselor precisely so you will have someone to confide in? Most pregnancy help centers will be able to make a referral to a therapist, and many will be able to help pay for a therapist if you don’t have the money. I think it is very important for you to find someone you can talk to, face-to-face, who can help support you through all these feelings of despair that are dragging you down. Once you find a counselor, you should also see if your partner will attend some couples counseling with you. It may be very helpful to have a counselor help you both to communicate better.

      I also encourage you to read about the risk factors which predict which women will have the most post-abortion problems. It’s a mistake to think that an abortion will simply “turn back the clock” to before you became pregnant. It will bring it’s own additional issues into your life and possibly even greater distress.

      You are not in a stable place in your life. Keep reaching out for help. There are lots of resources out there to help you if you will let them help you. Don’t rush into abortion with false hopes that it will solve the real and ongoing problems with your children’s father and your baby daughter.

      I can empathize with the helplessness you feel, and this wish that God will “take them or take me.” You are drained and exhausted. That’s why you need to get help. The temptation to have a quick abortion to relieve your distress is a false promise. Don’t give into despair and do desperate things. Reach out for help and the people who can give you an injection of hope into your life, support in dealing with your children’s father, and even help with your children.

      If you really believe in God, know that He wants you to find and hold onto hope. There is help out there in the people we are referring you to. Many of them have been in very similar desperate circumstances. When you meet them and see how they worked through their problems, that will help build hope that you can too.

      You are in our prayers. Hang onto hope. Learn more about the risk factors and the risks of abortion. That may help you to recognize the need to pursue healthier options.

  22. My partner really wanted to have a child with me when we first met, which was on holiday. He hoped I would have a “love child.” However I did not fall pregnant. We got in touch and decided to continue out LDR, seeing each other once every 6 weeks or so. Then 15 months in I fell pregnant. He had changed his mind and didn’t want it as he thought I was mentally unstable. I’d been diagnosed with PMDD. I’d also had a drink over Christmas (before I knew) and he said it would probably harm the baby. He also said things like he didn’t trust he would see the child and didn’t want to be a long distance father, no discussion on whether I should move over or not. He didn’t want to be retired and still have an 18 year old at home. He said he would support me if I wanted to have it but he didn’t want to have another child.

    I felt like I was going crazy, what with pmdd and baby brain, I was all over the place. I so wanted him to tell me that he wanted the child, I would have loved it to have been a 50/50 decision but I was in turmoil, I didn’t want to be a single mum and I didn’t want him to resent me for keeping it. Termination seemed to be the only way to keep it all together. I told him when I had my first appointment and when it might take place, then the excuses about it being too short notice (we live in diff countries, both in Europe) to sort things for his kids. I couldnt believe it, he even arranged to go to a night out with his daughter (who gets everything she wants) without a second thought. He apologized for that and said he had forgotten, then lied to his daughter about me, saying I was p’d off at him for going so not to mention it to me! I couldn’t bear any excuses or to be let down so I told him not to worry I would go through it myself and he didn’t try and change my mind. He went on a skiing holiday with his children and gave me money for the taxi.

    Well one year on and I still can’t stop thinking about it. His step-daughter had a baby the same time mine was due so it’s going to be a constant reminder for me. Every year he goes skiing at the same time, another constant reminder of such a black time. He blames it on me that he wasn’t there for me, said I insisted…seriously, what a load of rubbish.

    As usual I feel at the bottom of the pile and now I question our relationship entirely. I actually hate him if I think about it. He has just booked the ski trip again for feb and already I feel the black knot inside. I don’t know what to do. How do I get over this?

    I’ve only mentioned the bad bits as this is what the forum is about. He is fundamentally a good man. He just sucks at emotion. He too is going through a hard time just now and he expects me to be the understanding other half. Tells me what a great support I am but this is just fuelling my resentment. We are in love but I feel everything so deeply and I don’t know how to get out of this downward spiral. Oh and, he had a vasectomy about two weeks after I had the abortion and went on and on about how awful it was. He refuses to discuss the abortion with me. I told him it wont just go away because he ignores it, but it’s never talked about. I can’t even begin to describe how angry that makes me feel. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

    • Dear Georgina,

      What you are experiencing is common. And the resentments it has created in your relationship are also common.

      You are totally correct in your believe that his refusal to talk about your feelings won’t help. But neither should you wait on him to be willing to listen to youi. I strongly encourage you to read our page on resources for post-abortion healing. It would be best to find a trained post-abortion counselor to work with. But even if you can only get help through one of the online resources, you need to have someone who is prepared to listen to you, empathize with you, and give you good advice based on their own experience with healing from a past abortion.

      As you find healing, it may be easier for him to finally listen to you and to share his own feelings. Men can also have significant negative reactions to an abortion. Given the fact that he once thought with pleasure about the idea of having a child with you, he probably has at least some conflicting feelings and grief himself. That can also explain why he doesn’t want to talk with you about it, if he fears that talking about it will make him more vulnerable to feeling his own feelings of loss and regret. The “let’s not talk about it” attitude may not be “cold” so much as “self protective” — even though it is at your expense. In any event, it’s not healthy. But you shouldn’t wait for him to be understanding. You need to move forward and get help for yourself . . . and maybe, someday, he will get similar help himself.

      You are in my prayers.

  23. my gf jst had an abortion last month.Though i av never been so close to a pregnant lady bfore bt during the period before the abortion,she started acting all angry.i just graduated in search of a job nd she is just in her second year in the university.Before the abortion i asked if we should keep the baby cos i wanted her opinion nd to know if she wanted an abortion.She wanted to keep it but said she was not bcos of her education and our financial status.I was with her through the period and during that time,i felt she was too moody tho maybe cos of the pains.I always felt her pain as she could not eat nd was always vomiting(the pregnancy was 8weeks old)
    After the abortion,it felt like everything i did got her angry and i didnt understand.Sometimes i even got angry but then i apologised cos i wanted peace and wanted her happiness.Sometimes,she ll cry in d mornin,ill comfort her but then it was as if i wasnt tryin enough.Then one day she said she needed some space nd she wanted to be away from sex for atleast a year and i readily agreed bcos this is her second abortion(the first went by without even a quarell or moods).But she has been away to her aunt’s for about a month now but when we talk on phone,i still have a feeling its not my girlfriend i am talking to.Sometimes,she sounds cold,sometimes she sounds indifferently.
    I dont feel like leaving her,rather i want to hang on to her more because i know she took a very big risk which could have taken her life for me but the problem is i do not know if her attitude will come back to normal soon?
    if it is normal for her to be the way she is now?,if she is no longer interested in the relationship,?how much space to give her,?if it is normal for her to act the way she is acting ?because unlike the previous abortion, this was more painful and she saw the Fetus out in full. I am really confused and i really do not want to make a mistake.I love her always bt i do not want an abortion to come between us.Thank you

    • Hi, thank you so much for posting. I’m sorry for what you and your girlfriend are going through. You ask if her reaction to the abortion is normal and yes, it is very common for there to be grief, trauma, anger, resentment, relationship problems and other issues after abortion. It sounds like you might both benefit from seeking the help of a group that can provide support after abortion. I would suggest talking with her about this and seeing if she would be willing to seek this out with you. Even if she is not ready for this yet, perhaps you could do this on your own to help you work though your own feelings and get a better understanding of where she might be coming from. Our post-abortion healing page has a lot of information on this as well as a list of national organizations that offer free and confidential support for both women and men after abortion (you can also visit this page for a list of resources for men). If you are outside the U.S. you can email me at and I’ll try to track down a group for you.

      • Well, i just recently had an boyfriend was happy when i told him i am pregnant but later on he started to say everything should be planned i now you don’t plan it right now in this point in your life ..but he also said it’s your decision to make and i will support you anyway. A few weeks pass by we didn’t really talk about it much.. but i had a feeling it’s just not a right time to have a baby for both of us we ha’ve been dating for 1 year and we had a great relationships but we never leave together never even talked about it. suddenly something changed i didn’t feel like he wants this baby.I made a decision to have a an abortion i was 8,5 weeks pregnant. It was my first pregnancy and first abortion i didn’t know how hard for me it would be , my emotions my grief and thoughts if i did a right thing all of those feeling i had. now i am going through a tough times i know i need to respect myself my confidence and my worth so i could feel happy again. I asked my boyfriend to give me sometime alone because i didn’t feel enough support from him and i didn’t want to became one this anger women and blaming everything on him, even thou part of me thinks is his fault too. All i hope is in one day to find relive and forgiveness

  24. I don’t considered myself a spiritual person. I use to talk to God all the time when I was in high school, mostly praying for him to look after my boyfriend. He had a habit of getting into trouble and always came to me when things got low. He was my first love. My only love. We discovered I was pregnant last October and for a day he had this unforgettable goofy smile across his face. We were scared, but happy. Because of our age and finances, we debated having an abortion. We had no support form either of our families and everything seemed so hopeless. He became distant from me, going out late with his friends and turning to weed to escape. I guess he was scared of being a father, the money, feeling trapped, etc. He told me I was mean when I was pregnant, and I guess I was. I remember feeling so scared all the time, like I was losing my mind, sad one minute, sick another. The emotions were overwhelming. I kept thinking how unfair I was being to my baby, knowing it felt the pain I was going through. My boyfriend pulled further away, telling me I had changed and begged me to get an abortion. I was reluctant at first, but when I started adding up the costs in my head for being a single mother in college, I began to panic. Then my boyfriend revealed he felt he would be replaced by the baby and how he feared I would leave him for it. I broke. I made the appointment the next day. I did it for him. I opted to go to sleep so I wouldn’t remember the procedure and he drive me the following weekend. I cried uncontrollable in the lobby once I took the first pills. He held me and rocked me while we waited. The doctors told me I would feel upset for a few weeks until the hormones fully left my body. Once I physically healed, I was fine.. for a while. I took a semester off in college and focused on work.

    The baby’s due date was around my birthday in May. I spent my birthday alone by choice and silently mourned my baby’s loss. I started to feel guilty and cried at the littlest things.. Mostly pictures of baby clothes and anything emotional in any movie (happy or sad). I began to pull away from my boyfriend. It’s October now, the anniversary of my pregnancy discovery and I am a complete mess. I am doing horrible in all my classes. I feel like I can’t focus and I prefer to be alone all the time now. My boyfriend seems to be doing fine, excelling at work and shows no emotion when it comes to acknowleding the abortion, unless he is having to deal with me being upset over it. I shut down and try to avoid him. I enjoy spending time with him and I’m not angry or jealous with his emotional coping (I wouldn’t want him to feel this pain) but when it comes to sex or even normal gestures like cuddling or kissing, I pull away. I know we are falling apart and I feel helpless. He tells me he loves me all the time, and it kills me that I cannot say the words back. I just feel so numb.

    My mother is pressuring me to date someone new and give her grand babies (an already sore subject) and my boyfriend is pressuring me for answers. Why don’t I like sex anymore? WHEN am I going to be okay? Why do I run? I am hurt my mother is acting this way and feel insulted that she is playing matchmaker when she showed little to no support when I was pregnant. I desperately want to answer my boyfriend’s questions, but I draw a blank at what to say that will ease his mind. I just feel like I am going through the motions and a part of me might always be this paralyzed.

    • Hi Kristen, I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Please know that you don’t have to feel paralyzed forever. Visit our healing page for a list of organizations that offer support after abortion. They are there to help — many are run by women who have been through an abortion — and help you work through the questions you are asking here.

  25. I had an abortion almost two years ago. I still don’t feel right about that or life in general.
    I found out I was pregnant, and my first thought is “He’s gonna make me have an abortion.” When I told him about the baby, he looked MORTIFIED. Not mad. Not sad. Not happy. It was a look of pure disgust and shock. I mistakenly told him about my initial thought later on, and he was like “oh I didn’t realize that was an option.” We didn’t even speak of the pregnancy for three days, until that Friday night when our daughter was at the in-laws’ house. His mind had not changed. In fact, he said “this is the only way”. We both have health issues (though his is almost entirely due to lifestyle choices). He wouldn’t even listen to me when I said I wanted to keep the baby. Not even for a second. He said “I’ll support you no matter what you choose…” but I knew in my heart that was not true (and he confirmed it afterward, in words and actions). He would only support the termination. If I had kept it, all hell would have broken loose, far worse than what it did following the abortion.
    I hedged on making the appointment. I did not want to go through with it. Two weeks later, he asks me if I had made the appointment. I told him no and why I hadn’t. He didn’t care. He just wanted the baby gone. I called and made the appointment while on my knees and bawling.
    Now, ten days shy of two years later, here I am, writing this. I love him. I do. We’ve been together off and on for 20 years. And, yet, I hate him. I despise him. The thought of sex, which used to be a joy for me, just disgusts me. I’m terrified of getting pregnant again. I don’t think I have it in me to go through ANY of it again (pregnancy, birth, abortion..). There are days I just want to grab him by the shirt and SCREAM at him. I want him to know the grief, the absolute anguish, the self-hatred at having done something so wrong.
    There are days that I hate myself less, I’m calmer about it, it doesn’t eat at me quite so bad. There are other days that I hate myself more, what kind of a mom kills one of her babies, I’m a monster, etc etc.
    Two years later, I’m still alive. So is he. Two years later, I still hate the choice that was made. Two years later, I’m still grieving the loss of my child, what I feel was honestly my last chance to have a child. And it’s gone. I can’t take it back. I can’t change it. Two years later, and it sometimes makes me cringe when people hug me. The only hugs I want are from my children, and I can never get a hug from one of my babies. Not ever.
    I don’t leave the house much. I don’t work much. I’m honestly afraid to live at all sometimes. When I work, it’s not enough for him. What I bring home doesn’t satisfy him. Also, when I work, I’m in damn near excruciating pain all the time.
    I just don’t know how to process and deal with it all. I’m dealing in my own way, but, honestly, it’s not really dealing. Most days, what I feel I really want to do is get my daughter, pack our stuff, and run far far away. I know that if I do that, a sh**storm will follow me, and I’d hurt her by taking her away from her dad. So I stay and sit, away from the world. I stay away from most people. I get afraid of starting any conversations with anyone, b/c there’s just so much judgement about abortion, and should it ever come up in conversation with anyone, I fear the shame and judgement that will most likely follow.
    I just don’t know anymore. I’m not gonna commit suicide or start cutting or anything. I have no intention of dying, though I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought of doing it. I just want peace, and I want the impossible; I want my baby back.

    • Dear Chelle, I am so sorry for your experience. Please know that there are safe places where you can talk to someone — where you will not be judged because they have been through abortion as well. If you haven’t already done so, please visit our healing page and consider contacting one of the groups listed there. You don’t have to stay trapped in this pain forever.

  26. Well my girlfriend and I went through something similar in September 2013 my girlfriend got pregnant unexpectedly and it was her 1st time ever and @ that time I was going through a tough situation in my life and wasn’t even working @ the time. When she first told me she was pregnant I was estatic but I hid that from her bcuz I knew her fear of gettin pregnant especially when she’s going to nursing school and it was tough on her..but we kind of talk about it and decided to get rid the pregnancy which is one of the biggest mistake ever made in my life…but long story short she gets rid of the baby and since then out relationship has not been the same..I love this girl with all my heart and wanted to marry her and have a family with her. We try to make the relationship work since we went through the situation but it’s as if she never did look @ me the same again. I have even done everything possible to let her know I will never put her through such a painful experience again and how I want us to be a happy family and she goes I can’t see myself getting pregnant for you again you had your chance and you blew it and I go I’m hurt from that experience too and wish I could take it all back and do it differently but no matter what I did or said would not get to her..I never intended to lose her but it seems as now I did…she finally tells me two days ago I think it’s time I end this all and move on with my life, I can’t look @ you the same I don’t see the same guy I fell in love with since we went through the abortion and I can’t see us together because It pains me…and I’m just like what? We had some of the best years of our relationship post abortion since the summer of 2013 now it’s as if I lost her I can’t even talk to her now without her gettin angry and saying I need my space and time to myself..we dated for 5’s hurt like crazy because the girl of my dream had just slipped through my fingers. I have prayed about this numerous times and it hurts really bad.

  27. I am 22 and recently had an abortion three weeks ago. It was with my boyfriend at the time who I had been with seven months. He was intense and in a very light sense borderline verbally abusive during arguements. To be honest, it was more of an attraction we had (we were both very sexually active, hee always wanted sex but it didnt really bother me) and enjoyed the company and the comfort of having someone. I dont really believe I truly loved him, but we said it to eachother quite a bit. we were long distance when I found out I was pregnant and I had never felt so supported by him just over the phone and on texts, everything. It was then that I think I truly fell in love with him and felt so comforted. A few days later we reunited at college and suddenly in the four days leading up to the abortion we fought non-stop. he would insult me and call me names, accuse me of cheating, an very unsympathetic when I suffered terrible morning sickness and saddness. He did not attend the abortion and would not see me that day either becasue he was at a bar and kept saying its over with. I did not feel any regret from the abortion. I have always believed in it and am not religious but I still felt almost bi-polar and having panic attacks when my boyfriend would leave me and fight me. why was he so nice during it, then a total jerk after? of course this lead to numerous fights where I said he didnt even suffer he wasnt even there he didnt have to feel it physically.recently, we broke up because there had been too much. I feel heartbroken, lonely and abandoned. He has not even said a word to me since although he said I;ll always love you as the closing line of our break up. I have very unsympathetic , party girl promiscuous friends so the support group there is awful. It has been hard living four states away at college when my family is all that makes me feel better besides alcohol and sleeping pills. How do I recover from this? How to I detach myself from my ex boyfriend who I resent but still believe he had to stay and help me heal?> I also still feel sick sometimes like nausea , no motivation, body and mind fatigue and numbness. I have almost fainted under stress and constantly shaking.

    • Hi Claire, what a painful experience for you. I’m so sorry for your loss and for how your boyfriend treated you. It sounds like you are going through a lot right now … now wonder you are feeling so stressed. Is there anyone you can talk with to find some support? Please know that there are groups out there of other women who have been through similar experiences and who want to help. You don’t have to be religious or even feel like you regret the abortion to seek help. I would suggest visiting our healing page for a list of organizations you can call just to find a listening ear: I’m sure they will be glad to listen, talk with you and help provide the support you need.

  28. hi…i had an abortion like a month ago.its been tough because my boyfreind doesnt seem to be as close as he was before.he says its okay because he still cares n loves me its just our communication.i feel so bad because i wish he were closer and moore caring.i love him and am scared that if i loose him then i will loose myself.i think i should commit suicide and just end it all

    • Hi Tima,

      I’m so glad you came to this site — and so sorry about your painful experience. It sounds like both you and your boyfriend are struggling — which as you can see from this page, often happens. Please don’t give in to despair or thoughts of suicide. If you are thinking about suicide, you need to reach out for help right away! There are lots of groups listed on this page that can help with healing after abortion. If you need immediate help, please call a group called Option Line at 1-800-712-4357, or even the National Suicide Prevention hotline (1-800-273-8255).

      I hope that you and your boyfriend will be able to work things out together. Maybe he would be willing to reach out together to one of the organizations offering post-abortion support that are listed on the healing page. But even if he is not ready or willing to do this, please contact them for yourself. You don’t need to go through this pain alone, and you deserve the chance to find healing and hope for your own sake.

  29. I have yet to see a relationship that will survive a women who will kill the man’s child. Eventually it will break the relationship up and the man will hate the woman. Don’t elect him to change his mind you killed his child for your own selfish reasons that is not something one just gets over.

  30. I had an abortion a week ago and my bf did not support the idea of it .he begged me to keep the pregnancy and even cried for it but I didn’t have choice .i didn’t listen to him.i m just not ready to be a mother and I feel it will be so embarrassed for me to get pregnant while I still live withy mother . After I told him that I had an abortion
    He started calling me an evil ,sinner n murder
    I know he loves me but at the same time he doesn’t want be with me anymore .everytime I try to talk to him ,he will start telling hurtful words n being rude to me .keeps saying that he will never forget what I did”killing his child”
    I know I did somthing wrong but I just can’t handle how he is treating me now .i dont like how he is treating me now 🙂
    I want break up with him but at the same time it’s getting hard for me cuz I feel like I have wronged him.but seem like our relationship ain’t going to survive based on what he keeps saying to me .
    What should I do?should keep being patient with his rudeness n wait for him until he recover the hurts ?
    Or should I break up with him
    Help I need help
    He never be there for since I had the abortion 🙂 n it’s hurting me too n pushing me away

    • Dear Fifi,

      Thank you for your post. It sounds like the two of you need time and support to work through this experience. An abortion can bring up a lot of pain in a relationship, and if your boyfriend didn’t want the abortion he is probably feeling very hurt and betrayed. I would strongly suggest searching out a counselor, pastor or someone else who can help the two of your work through this. Here is a list of organizations that offer free and confidential help and support:

  31. I had an abortion on May, 31 2014. It was one of the toughest decisions I have ever made. I was always so against abortion because of my beliefs. When I found out I was pregnant, I was so scared I cried I didn’t know who to turn to. My then boyfriend of 2 years thought having an abortion was the best decision to make. I was 20 and he was 24 when I went through with the procedure. He blamed me becoming pregnant. I was on the pill and he thought I was consist with it. Unfortunately I wasn’t. There was times I would forget or take it on the wrong day. He told me if he knew that he would have used protection. My baby would have been born this month of January. No one but him and I know about this. I’ve kept this secret from everyone. I truly believed it was my fault I ended pregnant. I should have just told him about me forgetting to take the pill.

    • I am so sorry for your pain. Please know that you are not alone. Have you visited our healing page? There are many links there to support groups and other ministries with people you can talk to about this. They want to help! Please know that you don’t have to go through this alone and that there are other women out there who want to support you. Here is a link to the page for more information:

  32. Dear El,
    last year I broke up with my boyfriend (of 1 year at the time) for 2 months because he was cheating on me (we had a ldr for around 6 months because I needed to go to New York to study-we live in Europe- and he met someone else).I returned and he has since stopped meeting her,we are now together (for 2 years in total).Last year,during a visit before we broke up,we had intercourse and I got pregnant.I had an abortion without telling him anything since we were not together.He has now asked me to live with him and get married. Should I talk to him about what happened?

  33. Women are made feel that they have to experience PASS and tremendous personal hardships (such as the dissolution of their relationship, as this particular article is pointing out) as the result of having an abortion, or else they are cold and abnormal. Some women have abortions and are absolutely okay afterwards. As long as the procedure is safe and expertly carried out in a professional clinic by highly trained staff, abortions provide women the choice to fulfill their goals.

    • Not every woman experiences emotional disturbances following abortion. But while numerous studies have found an increase in the risk of mental and physical problems after abortion (including higher suicide rates, maternal morality rates, mental health disorders, etc.), the research has not found any mental health benefits arising from abortion.) Women and their loved ones have a right to know the risks, and especially if they have any pre-existing factors that have been shown to increase the risk of emotional problems following abortion. Further, the abortion industry and their allies have repeatedly fought any efforts hold clinics to even the most basic professional standards for patient safety and well-being. Women shouldn’t have to submit to a risky, unnecessary and usually unwanted procedure that can damage their emotional and physical well-being (or even kill them) in order to fulfill their goals.

  34. My girlfriend had an abortion late last March. We’ve only been dating a few months at that point. It was an unplanned pregnancy. She wanted to break up with me the day she found out she was pregnant. When we met that day I told her I’m not ready to have a baby yet but if she wants to keep it we’are going to have a family. Truth is she wanted to have a family and kids with me, she would talk about it often. And I wanted the same. But she is still in school and decided having a baby would jeopardise her future. A week after the abortion she broke up with me. She said she felt we are not going to be happy together because we decided to have an abortion. She was extremely broken up about having to do it as she is catholic and she really wanted to be a mother. Looking back at the weeks between when she found out she was pregnant and abortion (medical) I think all she wanted from me was to intervene and stop her from going through with it. Instead I chose to avoid discussing it any further for the fear of upsetting her.

    I tried to get her back. After no contact for about 2 months I sent her flowers for her birthday. She responded and I tried to do my best to win her back. We were just meeting up and spending time together as friends. Although at times I could tell she still has feeling for me she was not the same person any longer, the pain she endured scarred her. I could see it in her eyes. After about a month of this she ended it saying she wasn’t ready to be with anyone yet. It’s been three months since I last heard form her and last month would’ve been the due date for the baby. I still love her more than anything and not a day goes by that I don’t think about her and our baby.

  35. From personal experience I can tell you if a woman has one to save a relationship even if she wants to get married, it will always be there and have a bad effect. I had two with the same man, and with the second PG he first proposed and then fell apart as he didn’t want to be a “screwup” to his mother. She was a bitter woman who criticized her kids but he always hid any foibles so she would consider him the “good son”. And he always felt in his own mind he was not good enough even though he graduated college and law school. But because he was in law school at the time he could not stand the idea of telling her. Even though we were in our 20s. This is almost 40 years ago so times have changed. I ended up going back to him (I was terrified of telling my family as they were not supportive and I was on my own financially and barely making it). He asked me to marry him only after I jokingly gave him a deadline and he asked on the last possible day because he says he wanted to be sure.

    I was a scared young woman with low self esteem at the time. After we were married I kept working even though we had 3 kids and I wanted to stay home as he could not find a job that made much money even though he went to law school. And I wish I had. I ended up doing well in my career where he ended up staying home with our kids as I needed to travel for work. All for me was ok with my last job that paid well until I lost it. Then things unraveled. I found a job that paid half of what I was making and I have been stuck there for 10 years despite looking for something better. No raises and now I am well over 50 and women are considered invisible even though I was well respected in my career. He had to find work and again has looked for something he could do that he wanted to do and has never been able to do it. He is a hard worker but not a natural networker and has only been able to make half of what I am now. So I still carry the load.i have never had an extended period of time off that I so desperately need. I wanted to really cook and sew and decorate. All those things I haven’t been able to do as I have been working and tending to kids. I finally am pursuing some things I wanted to do in fine arts but we are almost broke and may have to sell the house I wanted to decorate. Adult kids are working but not making enough to pay back student loans and rent so they live with us. We have little privacy.

    But three years ago while he was going through a few months of unemployment )he can find only temp work) he became part of a committee at our church and began to be friends with a young bright woman on the committee who was headed to college and actually we knew from church. Unbeknownst to me instead of looking for work at night on the computer he was busy emailing her and even went so far as to enclose a letter secretly with a graduation gift we gave her. She had been impressed by his vocabulary and he felt flattered and important as she asked him advice about careers etc. Well he became very interested and began this correspondence that I stumbled upon accidentally (I had also been doing all the bill paying and household chores as he was “busy” with the committee meetings and job hunting. He also went on a diet and exercised At 5am and whitened his teeth and bought new clothes. You know, for job hunting. We were on a strict budget but of course he needed those things.

    When I discovered these daily lengthy emails….cleverly written with great panache and peppered with questions about her interests, great books they had both read, sprinkled with little witticisms and mild flirts and flattery, I was floored. She was going to be at an event that weekend so I waited and watched as he wrote her again to confirm the time she would be there and did not leave her side. I sat across from them. Could have been invisible. I confronted him in the car and he became cold and said he could have any ‘friends’ if he chose. It has been s long struggle. He cried one night and said I didn’t know what it was like to “love someone when they didn’t love you back”. It was a total infatuation. She was being slowly worked on like a student -professor thing, liking that an older man she respected told her she was so emotionally mature and so much ahesd of others her age etc. Made him write her to break it off and he told her he had derived too much emotional satisfaction from their “relafionship” better focused on his marriage to me. I think it scared her as she would not talk to him at church. He could not stand it so I watched on horror as I saw him watching her across the room from church like a forlorn puppy and then trying to sit or stand near her to overhear her. I had asked him to take her off his Facebook friends but he lied and kept up following her(for a year…lying to me about it) on social media through my daughter’s account but he did not contact her. On Christmas Eve he could not stand being ignored and walked past me at church and deliberately made her talk with him. Just niceties but he was defensive about it. Because he saw no reason why I should deprive him of a friendship.

    We went through two years of marriage therapy and have stopped for awhile. He is trying to build up his self esteem. I wanted him to g through therapy with me about the abortions because I had the same feelings of abandonment. Nobody in his family or mine knows about them and only two trusted old friends of mine. One of whom wss with me there (he did not accompany me to either one). I have loved this man for a long time and though we had troubles financially and a bumpy road at times because I wanted to stay at home and I could not afford to (and he did stay home bit did not want to nor have the career he wanted), I had never had reason to doubt his faithfulness since we were married nor his support emotionally for the last thirty years. This thing rocked me to my core.

    The counselor suggested he work with me and help mourn or grieve the abortions. He says he doesn’t need to feel all that shame as he is trying to move forward and I need counseling so I don’t play the “blame game” as I need to accept my responsibility too and he isn’t responsible for all my pain.

    He is stil not working as much, still has been applying for jobs without success (as have I) is seeing a counselor on his own who has never met me but has told him he is not responsible for my feelings and I need to get help on my own. He has not been proactive in trying to heal the rift he caused with his ” foolish infatuation” as he calls it (he refuses to call it an emotional affair and gets angry). He wrote her daily lengthy letters for three months. He writes beautifully. I have no such correspondence from him as we have not been apart but I still wish he would write to me as beautifully just so I would feel as flattered. He says it would not be the same as the reasons for him writing her was to keep her writing and getting flattery and admiration and he had mo assursnces of that from me because he largely gets resentment from me. I try to go back to “normal” life with him hoping for a little empathy and that he would try to earn back my trust and admiration to some degree. I had never questioned his faithfulness. With all that had happened that was the one thing I felt we had. And he says his feelings for this young woman are changed to just regular interest in someone in the same field. Yet he was upset just a couple of months ago because he thought I had gone into his FB account and blocked access to a mutual friend’sFB pictures. I had not. But she was in them and he knew that. Yet he said it was just the principle of it.

    Sigh. So now he is saying I am the one dragging this out as I won’t forgive him as he has “moved on” from this infatuation but I need to move forward and forgive him and stop making him feel badly. As for the abortions he says they are history and he feels badly but there is nothing either one of us can do about it and he sees no reason to drag them into any kind of a ritual grief issue as he doesn’t feel like that because he says he is a different person now. Yet all of these things that he did that caused me great pain are deep secrets. He says if I share any of them I am being punitive and that is vengeful and not in the spirit of forgiveness. He says he feels sorry but he can’t undo any of them (although the girl has been the person he has written the lengthiest and most letters since we have been married and he flat out refuses to write to me more than a note every couple of months because he says those notes are more meaningful even if they are shorter and infrequent. And he says he is tired of “tests”. And he will not ask me how I am feeling because he knows I am still hurt and doesn’t need to hear that I am having s bad day here and there and doesn’t want to take the responsibility for my pain .

    I don’t know what to do. I want to feel like he pursued me like I saw him pursue this young woman. But he says we have been married a long yoke and that should count for something. Then he gets angry if I ever mention his infatuation. I don’t want to. I just wish he were emphathetic not sympathetic. He feels more sorry for himself than anything (I think he is very angry at himself but to me he is more secretive about his feelings and only talks to his shrink every week. ). We don’t have any conversations about feelings or anything deep unless I bring it up as he avoids it.

    Don’t know how this will turn out yet. Just football what I did. Don’t give in to something you don’t want to do because you are scared of being alone.

    So all I can

    • Dear Janell,

      I totally understand how hurt you feel about both your abortion history with him and he emotional affair.

      Regarding the latter, pray for the grace to forgive him then do it. Forgive him. Then continue to pray that your forgiveness will deepen into your emotional life as well. Like love, forgiveness is a decision. Feelings, with God’s grace and perhaps a bit of cooperation from the loved/forgiven person will follow. Decide. Act. Persist.

      Also, while I think you already have a grasp on it, his foolish infatuation is something he should have avoided and recognized as bad for both him and your relationship . . . but for a man struggling with career and esteem issues, the sheer idea of being admired a young attractive woman can be very intoxicating. Perhaps you can find ways to refurbish and redisplay your admiration of him. That’s something that often disappears over many years of marriage. We get so used to each other we don’t feel admired. Indeed, that’s in many ways the same thing you yearn for . . . his admiration. You want him to pursue your admiration like he pursued hers. Perhaps you can both contribute to that mutual admiration cycle by making a list of things you admire about each other and sharing it with each other, and trying to focus on the things you admire and comment on them more frequently, and otherwise trying to build on new habits of showing how you appreciate each other . . . because frankly, you are both admitting that you each feel a bit unappreciated by each other.

      Again. Love is a decision, not a feeling. And here, as often, the decisions to love must be made that respect the needs of the loved one’s feelings so as to do everything you can to reinvigorate the feelings of being loved.

      And that includes making decisions to help a loved one heal from past hurts, which brings us to what his duty (as one who can make a decision to love) is to you regarding your efforts to heal from your abortions.

      Even if he feels he’s okay, or healed, or just doesn’t want to stir the pot . . . he still needs to help and support you in your healing. Toward that end, I think it is entirely reasonable that you ask, even insist, that he go with you to a Rachel’s Vineyard weekend. If necessary, promise to try harder to forget about and stop bringing up his foolish infatuation if only he will do this for you because you need him for this process. You really do. You need him to understand more fully what you have felt, what you are going through, and how you are working through it.

      Remind him that love is a decision. And that you are asking him in love to make a decision to love and to do this for you even though he may think he doesn’t need it.

      You are both in my prayers. I pray God will help you to heal on every level and in every way.

  36. My fiance just found out she was pregnant this weekend.

    Saturday evening we took the test which said she was 3+ weeks pregnant and after an emergency booking we had our first appointment at the abortion clinic today where they confirmed she was almost 5 weeks. However, the fetus is too small to be seen on the ultrasound so they’d like us to return in a weeks time once it has developed more.

    For me, this weekend has been an emotional roller coaster that has ended with me feeling a deep sense of depression.

    I want nothing more than to be a father. Especially with the woman of my dreams, however her immediate thought was we need to get rid of it and although It took a while for me to process the information, I feel crushed. I feel as though I should be celebrating, jumping with joy, but she’s taken that away from me. Yes it’s inconvenient, and yes its completely ruined our wedding plans but surely our child deserves a chance at life? What if it’s our only chance to have children?

    Up until now she had been getting increasingly broody and we’d decided we’d try for children some time next year. The idea of becoming parents had us grinning from ear to ear just a few short weeks ago. We both have very good jobs in the city and between us earn close to 100k per year.

    I proposed approximately 4 months ago and in that time, all the talk has been about preparing for our wedding next year (deposit for the venue has already been paid for). We moved in together shortly after I proposed and things have been absolutely amazing.

    All that said, you’d expect she’d be over the moon to be pregnant but apparently not. It’s one year too early for her. One of her many reasons is she’s just started a new job and is worried she won’t qualify for maternity leave. This would mean I’d have to support us all on my wage alone, which would be a struggle (though far from insurmountable in my opinion).

    However, the one major issue in our relationship from the start, and the main reason for her objections is her family. Shes Indian, I am black and her family are simply racist to be frank. There’s no other word for it. There were a lot of tears and drama when they found out she’d had a black boyfriend for 2 years (I was only introduced as her fiance), they absolutely hit the roof. Their standing in the Indian community is evidently far more important that their daughter’s happiness. Up until now her brother still refuses to talk to her. Part of the reason she bought a house was so that they could not kick her out onto the street once they found out about me.

    Her parents’ initial reaction upon finding out about me wasn’t as bad as she thought it would be (they are still talking to her, though they are extremely frosty). But ever since then I feel as though she is desperately trying to win back their love by doing everything by the book. i.e. Marriage then children in the hope that they may eventually approve of me and be able to hold their heads up high in the community.

    It was bad enough that she’d moved out with a black man before marriage and she’s terrified our kids wont be accepted if they are conceived out of wedlock. She sees it as yet another blot of her and her families reputation. Somehow she believes that us being married will solve everything.

    I was absolutely furious on hearing this and I spoke my mind on the situation but she seems determined to go through with the abortion, promising me that we can have kids once we’re married and the timing is better. She insists its a cultural thing and I’ll never understand.

    We had a massive argument today and she absolutely broke down, shaking like a leaf. We spoke about all her reasons (there are a few others, for example the fact the she lacks folic acid, meaning the child may be deformed) and I’ve reluctantly agreed to the termination.

    But I just can’t fight this deep sadness I feel in the pit of my stomach. I can’t even sleep right now, hence the reason i am writing this post.

    I just get the feeling we will be making a huge mistake, simply out of her fear of rejection from her entire family. She is already way too attached. She tells me that she ‘talks’ to the baby every morning and has even given her a name (‘Mya’). She is quite an emotional and innocent women at the best of times but for some reason she has a steely resolve on this issue. If I’m honest she’s actually come across rather heartless and cold in her determination to rid herself of this baby. It’s a side I’ve never seen of her and one i really don’t like.

    But at the same time I know full well she is not truly considering the impact of what she is about to do next week. I have a feeling one reality hits she will be crushed and revert back to the emotional, innocent woman I know she is. But by that point it may be too late and irreversible damage may have been done to our relationship.

    Do you think our relationship can survive if she goes ahead with this? Shall i try harder to convince her its a bad decision? Or do I respect her wishes as I’ve already agreed to, and just pray we can go back to being the happy love-struck couple we have been for the last 2 years?

    • I am very sorry for the situation you are in.

      From what you have said, I think the “I don’t want to disappoint my parents (again)” is probably the biggest reason why she is so determined that abortion is what she “has to do.”

      Sadly, given other things you have also said, like the fact that she has given the baby a name, I am highly confident that the abortion will crush her . . . and perhaps both of you. She may be able to bury her feelings for a time, but if and when you have another child, it will all come tumbling back down on her and haunt her (and you) and will really be a burden on the both of you for years. That’s not to say there is not the possibility of healing. There are many great post-abortion healing programs. But it is far better to avoid it than to try to heal with it later…because even with healing there are always scars.

      Ask her to read about the risk factors for more severe post-abortion reactions here along with you so you can discuss it in terms of your concern for how this will hurt her and you obligation to protect her from hurting herself (much less your child) just in the hope of making her parents happy (or at actually, just less displeased).

      Then read our summaries of research regarding psychological complications and the physical complications associated with abortion.

      Remind her that you are only pressing the issue because you are convinced it will be a choice she will regret and one that will damage your future happiness together.

      Clearly, it is not easy. But abortion does not turn back the clock and allow things to go on they way they would have as if you had never been pregnant. Instead, it permanently changes how you will see yourselves as persons and as parents and as lovers. Choosing life will reinforce your commitment to each other, your sense of honor and bravery and integrity. Choosing abortion will create doubts in you about yourselves, each other, your worthiness as parents, et cetera.

      Many regret their abortions. Few regret giving birth to their children. (The folic acid deficit issue is a weak excuse. Women have given birth to healthy babies for centuries without folic acid supplements, and it is also plenty early to start taking them.)

      Let’s accept as a likelihood that her parents will be upset to hear she is giving birth to a half black baby before she is even married. But they have already begun to accept that would happen anyway, a year or two from now.

      Worse case scenario . . . they use this as a pretext to “disown her” but within a couple years, all will be forgiven and they will be madly in love with their grandchild. Grandchildren have that effect on grandparents. In they end, they will be glad that you and their daughter were both willing to face their disappointment and persisted in preserving their grandchild’s life instead of taking it.

      Abortion, at best, offers a short term solution to short term problems at the expense of long term problems that won’t “naturally” go away. The upset that this surprise pregnancy may cause her family is small and temporary compared to the deep grief and pain abortion can cause to each of you and to your marriage and future happiness.

      You are in my prayers. Do not hesitate to call us if we can be of any further help.

      If despite everything you try (which should include a refusal to participate in the abortion by going with her), you should make clear that you still love her and will do all you can to help her find healing afterwards, including participating with her in a post-abortion healing program.

      But you should make clear how seriously you oppose this by refusing to be pulled into it. Indeed, she shouldn’t insist on you being part of it, since she should respect your conscience. If she has a clear conscience about it, then it shouldn’t bother her that you don’t want to participate in it. After all, she should understand this is a great loss for you. She should be glad that you are willing to continue the relationship even though she is going through with it . . . which shows your respect for her conscience and her need to do what she thinks is the “right thing to do.” But that’s as far as you should go in supporting her in this; be respectful, tell her you will continue to love her even if she goes forward with it, but it is just not something you can participate in. That will help her confront both her conscience and your conscience and will prevent her from blaming you later for “going along with it.”

      Psychologically, many people try to shift the blame for the decision to their partner. Don’t participate in that game. Being a couple does not require one to share the blame for decisions that you oppose. You may not be able to stop her. And you should certainly not be disrespectful or unloving. But if a loved one insists on going down what you believe is the wrong path, you shouldn’t go down that path with her . . . nor should she expect and demand it. But you can promise to be there for her on the other side, hoping for the best but also prepared to help her though the worst.

      So at the very least change your answer from “I agree to an abortion,” to “I can’t stop you from having it, and I won’t stop loving you if you have it, but I think its wrong, bad for you, bad for me, and bad for our child and our families so I can’t participate in it. But I will love you and be there for you in any way I can afterward, even if you decide to go through it.”

      Please let us know if you have any success changing her mind. (I will also pray for her family to be more accepting of both you and your baby.)

  37. I just found out last week that I am 9 weeks pregnant with my second child. My first is only 2,4 and I am doing my final year. when I first suspected that I was pregnant, my bf was willing to support me in having an abortion because we both recognised how emotionally and financially unstable we are. But after I found out and confirmed that I was indeed 9 weeks along he became adamant to abort. He has a plan for everything. Says he will ho home and propose marriage but I can’t help it but think of the trauma that I went through with my first child. I can’t bare the thought of being a single mum to two different kids at 23. I doubt the plans will work or DAT he will marry me. My situation at home is devastating and I think my family might disown me after this child. Some of them know and have counselled me into having this child though I know that none of them will be bothered to carry it when it cries.

    I love my bf and I thought he was my soulmate but I can’t say the same after this. He is being totally stubborn and refuses to regard any of my reasons for wanting to abort as a being valid. He also has a child who stays at home with his mum. He is working but some months we have struggled to get by.

    I don’t think I’m ready for a child or marriage yet but what if this is what God has planned for me? but sometimes I think we can start over and my abortion is my way of starting over.

    I’m scheduled to go and do the abortion next week and I keep postponing it. I think I’m either looking for my bf’s permission or waiting until its too late. I’m afraid of the after effects of an abortion but I have seen people do it and get along fine thereafter.

    I actually resent my bf right now for not giving me support. He tells me to just embrace the pregnancy only because he’s a man and has no idea what its like to be pregnant. I have a history of depression and right now I think I’m going through it and I feel it will only get worse if I decide to keep this child. I’m at the lowest point in my life and have broken up with my bf. it hurts so much. I have so many doubts and questions.

    • Dear Mandy,

      I certainly understand why you and others may think that having an abortion will make your life easier. But it won’t.

      Given the risk factors you have already described in just your short email, if you have an abortion you are at higher risk for having severe psychological effects, including impacted grief, that may haunt you for the rest of your life.

      Please read about the risk factors for more severe post-abortion reactions here. Then read our summaries of research regarding psychological complications and the physical complications associated with abortion.

      Talk to a pregnancy help center to get some advice and support. You might also talk with a post-abortion ministry if you want to speak to someone who was in your shoes ten years or more ago and who chose to have an abortion.

      Please have courage. As you indicated, you already know that if you give birth to your child you will love him or her unconditionally. The truth is, you have already begun to do so. The lie is, if you have an abortion, you will be able to forget about this child you have already begun to love.

      The next year won’t be easy. But I promise you, twenty years from now you will have no doubts that the sacrifices you make today for the child in your womb were the wisest way to invest your time, love and energy.

      Many women regret having their abortions. Few ever regret having their children.

      Hold onto that truth. Be brave. Be noble. Set the example you want your children to admire.

      Don’t hesitate to contact us if we can be of any more help. Phone: 217-525-8202.

  38. I’m 24 my gf for 4 years is 23. We’ve had 2 abortions. After the first we both swore never to do it again but it happened and knowing where we both come from l thought the best thing to do was to abort again…after the first things were kinda back to normal and if there were any changes, I didn’t notice. She really wanted to keep the 2nd though…I convinced her otherwise, for me it was simply facing facts. I never did any research on abortion, I was more of a “think of what’s best for you and for the child’s future” kinda guy.

    She had the 2nd almost a year after the first, and it totally devastated her. I’ve always loved her and there’s no other person I even consider sharing my life with but since then our relationship has been on a downward slope. She never says it but she acts like she hates me, she’s extremely unhappy, she’s talked about suicide a few times but I only began to see how serious this could be after reading this. She was at my place yesterday and I had never felt more disconnected from her like I did yesterday…I could tell the feeling was mutual.

    I feel our relationship is headed for the rocks and I desperately want to avoid that…I love her with all my heart and don’t want to lose her, but she’s hurting and I can’t fix it…I have assured her that everything would be fine but she doesn’t believe they will. Many of the examples written here illustrate the feeling I think she has. Bottom line is I don’t want to lose her it would kill me. But thinking about it, it feels like this is my own punishment for what happened…….

    • I am sorry for all the two of you are going through. I’m also very glad to hear of you love for her and your desire to fix things and your openness to admitting it was a mistake to encourage the abortion.

      Have you told her that, yet? Gently, and very apologetically, you need to bring the abortion issue back into the open to share your regrets and your fears about what it is doing to her. She may react just with tears . . . or with intense anger. If the latter, admit that you deserve her anger but still pray she will someday somehow forgive you.

      Tell her you are willing to go through post-abortion counseling with her, so you can work through your own loss and regrets at the same time as she works through hers.

      Do not let it come across as if the loss is only hers. You may have rationally distanced yourself from the children you lost in the abortions, but that is a loss she will need to see you begin to open up to and acknowledge if she is going to trust that you are working through the same losses and grief that she is experiencing.

      There are many good post-abortion healing programs out there. Some, such as Rachel’s Vineyard, accommodate couples. Others are specifically for men or women.

      Your right when you say “she’s hurting and I can’t fix it.” But you can shift your posture and open the door for healing and invite her to go through it, promising your support and also admitting that you need healing to, and want her support also.

      I truly think you can complete that journey together, especially if you are humble enough to admit fault in not having researched all of this before this tragedy, and even more importantly, for not having trusted her instincts when she said she didn’t want to go through another abortion. I fully understand that the the logic of your head, regarding finances, timing, et cetera, having either of the children “didn’t make sense.” But the logic of the head is different from the experiences of the heart. While you both escaped sleepless nights and changing of diapers, you also lost the opportunity to grow your relationship with each other and your children.

      Be humble. Embrace the sorrow and regrets which mark the path to repentance, renewal, healing and maturing in your love for each other and your embrace of life and any new lives, God willing, that you may still bring into the world in the future.

      You are in my prayers.

  39. I am 38 years old, in March of 2013 I had. Just gotten engaged. An two weeks later I found out I was pregnant . From the start of my relationship with my now husband he had stated that he don’t not want any more children. Unless he ended up marrying a woman that had none. The night I realized I was pregnant, I told him. All the signs were there, I was overly tired, I had no energy to even go our an hang out with his friends. He pushed me to go , so we went. That night after leaving his friends, he wanted to stop at the stir to get the tests for me to take to be sure. I took them and all of them had the same result. I was pregnant. We went to bed, both in shock, I was happy about it because I was told I would not be able to have any more kids. He was not happy. The next morning, he left without a word to me. He went to go work out and gather his thoughts. He came back an sat me down to talk to me. The first words out of his mouth were “if you have the baby I will never lover you the same”, the second thing he said was “my kids will hate me and never talk to me again”, then he satiated we don’t have the money for another child, and that with my last two children I was sick all the time and we shouldn’t risk my health.

    I was in utter turmoil. I loved his so very much and I wanted a baby that god had blessed us with, I wanted to have a baby that was part of me, and part of him to raise and care for, to love an watch grow up. In stead I did the unthinkable. I didn’t want him to not love me the same, I didn’t want his kids to hate him. So I crushed under pressure an had an abortion. I can still see the pills in the small paper cup, I can still feel and hear the sigh of relief when I finally swallowed those pills. I know I was the one who drank the water, and I was the one who put the pills in my mouth. I take full responsibility for my actions. Five days after the abortion, my husband went to his Dr. And got snipped… Then proceeded to let everyone on Facebook know about it.

    I still love my husband very much, but at the same time I hate him for all it’s worth. I have my moments when I have a hard time an I cry silently (he works nights) so he doesn’t see me. However this weekend was one of the times he got to see the full effect of what I felt. I spent most of my Sunday in bed away from anyone else and would just cry. He pushed and pushed for me to talk to him and tell him what was wrong, and when I did….. He plainly stated that he feels the same way now, as he did back then. I love him, I always have. I want my marriage to be solid, but I don’t know how to “fix” the issue. I’ve tried explaining how much my heart aches from the decision I made, how every time I see a pregnant woman it takes my breath away an I have a deep pain in my tummy, how every time I see a baby I just want to hold it and cry … The only thing he tells me is ” you need to talk to someone”.

  40. Hi there, I need a little help, me and my bf of about 2 years found out we were expecting about 4 weeks ago. We are two days from our appointment for an abortion, and im spazzing. I was fine with this when we first found out cuz I know we don’t have the means to raise a child, but I am so lost and stressed, I already hate myself, and worry my bf and I will hate each other, I can’t lose our child and him, how do couples get over this, how can we survive this? I wish they didn’t make me wait so long for our appt, I feel to connected, and its driving me insane.

    • These second thoughts and the ambivalence you are feeling are a warning sign. This is one of the risk factors for having more emotional and relationship problems after an abortion compared to women who do not experience these doubts and stress prior to an abortion.

      There are likely other risk factors present. Please read our page about the risk factors for abortion complications.

      I’d also suggest reading some testimonies of other women who chose abortion for similar reasons and our posts on the impact of abortion on relationships.

      Please don’t give up hope. Many women regret having an abortion. Almost none regret having their child. Indeed, those who changed their minds are so thankful that they did.

      Be grateful for the way your subconscious is creating the stress which is warning you away from this terrible mistake. I promise, you won’t regret choosing life . . . for despite the extra effort it will require, you children will be the greatest blessings of your life. Don’t reject this blessing. Embrace it!

  41. My boyfriend and I were together for about a year and a half when I found out I was pregnant. He has always been a wonderful boyfriend to me but I have a tendency to lash out and say things I don’t mean and it had taken a toll on our relationship. This news couldn’t have come at a worse time.

    I have always been pro-life but the minute I found out, I started bawling. I have never really wanted children, which makes me sound heartless but I always had big plans for my life and raising a child was scary to me, especially in this world.

    I was so terrified and when I told him he said he would drop out of school and get a job to support us. But instantly I said that I would take care of it. I couldn’t even believe I was saying that but it’s the first thing that came to mind. Later that week I was having doubts and we got into a big argument and he said he wasn’t ready to be a father yet and that he wanted to be able to enjoy his youth more and finish school. I got angry at him and called him selfish and all sorts of things. The next day we got in another argument about a can of corn (I kid you not). We were on the way to a friends bbq and I freaked out and told him to take me home and that I wanted to break up and went single on Facebook and everything.

    When I called him a million times to come back to get me he said no. He said he was tired of the way I talked to him and that I wanted to breakup so that’s what I was getting. I was devastated. I didn’t know what to do. I called my mom and went to my parents for the night. The fight continued and he didn’t want to speak to me or see me. I was so caught up in our break up that I don’t think I was in the right state of mind to make a rational decision. I went through with the procedure. He offered to take me and take care of me afterward but I was so angry at him.

    We were broken up for about three weeks. I gave up trying to talk to him and tried to move on. He contacted me regularly but I stopped replying. Then he told me he wanted to talk and get back together. We eventually did but it was not an easy process. I felt like a stranger in the home I’d lived in. I felt like I didn’t know him. Eventually we got back to normal and I moved back in and went back to school.

    It has been almost two years since the incident and I still blame him. I am relieved I don’t have a child but I am so angry at myself for what I did. I feel like a terrible person. Every pregnant person reminds me. Every baby reminds me. If I hear anything about an abortion I cringe and want to cry. Even typing the word makes me feel like an awful person. I feel like it’s a huge stain on my life and I’d be lying if I said I don’t blame him for it. I did not feel he was as supportive as he could have been even though we were broken up.

    We are normally fine but I get random times when I think about it and become so deeply depressed and lash out at him. I don’t think I will ever get over it. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for not openly welcoming the idea of a child even though I myself didn’t. Sometimes I just want a fresh start but he is good to me. I’ve never worried about him cheating on me, he buys me all kinds of things, brings me home flowers, takes me on dates. How do I know what to do?

    • This will remain a big issue between you, at least in a “secret” subconscious way, until you both confront and work through it.

      I strongly believe that both of you would benefit from participating in a post-abortion healing program either as a couple or separately.

      While I understand your feelings of anger toward him, and your 20-20 hindsight wish that he had somehow been supportive in exactly the way you would have needed him to be in order to not have had the abortion . . . it sounds like he initially was willing to do whatever it took to make it possible to have the child, including getting a job. The truth was that it was a hard time for both of you and hard for both of you to communicate without being at risk of being misunderstood or exaggerating or just letting your feelings run ahead of the reasonable parts of your minds.

      It also sounds like you need couple’s counseling. You admit that you have “a tendency to lash out and say things I don’t mean and it had taken a toll on our relationship.” You both need to work through that, especially when you have something like this abortion hurt inside you which can fuel your anger and toxic language in ways you won’t even notice or understand at the time these outbursts take place.

      Don’t let this simmer between you. If your relationship is to heal and grow into all that it can become, now is a good time to open up this wound, remove the pus and dead tissue, and get both of you moving forward.

      You are both in my prayers. I have great hope for you that you can both heal and learn from your pasts so that you will be better and wiser people and parents in the future.

  42. About a year and a half ago, my girlfriend told me that she was pregnant. I had a part time job and was a full time student. She told me that she wanted to have an abortion the same day she found out she was pregnant. I pleaded with her and begged her not to do it. I would have went and got another job or maybe two if that means that we can keep the baby. She did it anyways. She asked me if I could go with her while the abortion gets done. I said no. I could not go through that. It would have broken me as a person to go through that. Ever since then we have been at each throats. When we fight she says the same thing, “Where were you when I needed you the most?”(referring to me not being there when the abortion happened) I agree with this article on the part where it says people stay with each other due to the grief. But it has been hard. I love this girl so much. I wanted our baby so much. I would have been a good father and i would have never left them. Sometimes i find myself crying about it when i see a father with his child playing and being happy. I read other people saying that, “its the woman’s body and its her choice” or “Men do not have to go through the pain of the abortion” I feel its not fair. It is the man’s baby just as much as it is the woman’s. I did not have the most money in the world and neither did she. Everybody struggles. And i still feel to this day that we would have been fine. She told me that she wanted to give the baby a better life that we had. I told her with me and her in the baby’s life at the same time, our baby would already have a better start than we did. Our fathers were not in the picture.

    • Dear Zion,

      My heart goes out to you and your girlfriend. I understand it is very hard for both of you.

      Perhaps you can share with her a copy of what you have written to us. Maybe she already understands how you feel. But maybe she doesn’t…or at least has been afraid to.

      She imagines that if you had supported the abortion life would be better . . . and perhaps, if she is facing doubts and grief issues herself, that if you had been in favor of the abortion she wouldn’t have any of the negative feelings about it. She’s wrong, as all the testimonies of women here and elsewhere show.

      I understand how the defensive part in her blames you and says “Where were you when I needed you most?” On the other hand, she’s blind to the other side of that question: where was she when you and your baby needed her most? She feels you didn’t stand up for and with her. You feel the same way, even more so, in that she not only failed to support your desire to be a father but also to welcome your (yours and hers) child into the world.

      Pointing fingers at each other won’t help. Nor will blaming yourselves. You need to acknowledge each others hurts, be empathetic to each other’s hurts, doubts and confusion, and focus on helping each other to heal and become the best versions of yourselves that you can be.

      If she will consider it, I strongly recommend you participate as a couple in a post-abortion healing program. Such programs are offered by several post-abortion healing groups, one of which is Rachel’s Vineyard. Even if she continues to believe she made the best practical choice given the circumstances, she can at least learn to understand why it was so hard on you and why blaming you for not supporting the abortion is not only unfair but unloving and disrespectful. You are who you are. If she loves you for who you are, part of that love is because you are a sensitive, loving man who would be a good father and wanted to be a good father. Being mad at you for standing up for who you are and what you believe when you refused to approve of and watch the abortion of your child is unfair. On the other hand, I understand this tendency in her, because it points to her own doubts, fears, and hurts that day and afterward. And as I said above, in some respect blaming you is an excuse she holds to, imagining that if you had been all in favor of the abortion she and you would both be happy as larks today. It’s a comforting fantasy, but it just isn’t true.

      I pray she will agree to work through a post-abortion healing program, at least for your sake and for the benefit of your relationship, and will also discover it will be good for herself as well.

      • Thank you for your reply El.
        yesterday me and my girlfriend ended our relationship. Before I left I asked her, “Do you think me and you would have been happier if I just supported you decision and if I was there for you when the abortion happened?” she replied “Yes.” I feel that its not fair for someone i loved so much can be so selfish about the baby that still to this day i miss and love so much. You were right. If i would have supported her maybe things would have worked out. But i’m not changing my beliefs or how I feel over a happy relationship.

        Thank you for this article.
        It helped out a lot.

        • I’m sorry for all the losses you have faced. But I’m also confident that things will get better and you will find a good woman who will love you and appreciate your love.

          I don’t for a minute believe that if you had supported the abortion (i.e.; suppressed and denied your own beliefs and feelings to parrot hers) that things would have truly been better. They may have been better for awhile, but it would still have destroyed your relationship in other ways.

          Both of your remain in my prayers.

  43. I would love some advice as I feel stuck as to what the right thing to do is. I reciently meet a guy and things have been going great. He makes me really happy. Just last week I found out I am pregnant to a friend of mine. I am going to have an abortion as I can’t continue with the pregnancy due to medical complications … It’s a long story. I feel so numb and extremely sad but am getting support from lots of friends and family. My question is tho … Do I tell the new guy I am seeing? We meet online and have done coffee and dinners a few times and talked over text but we both really like one another and I feel that we will one day end up in a relationship together. My thoughts are – one if I tell him and he freaks out he will most likely never contact me again or two I don’t tell him and we do end up in a relationship then technically I have “hidden” something from him.
    We haven’t been intimate together in anyway other than kissing and have only been “seeing” one another for two months.

    Now the worst part – I actually “meet” him online and after our first date I then slept with my friend. This sounds horrible and that’s because it is but I have been sleeping with this friend of mine on and off for years and he came to my house drunk and to eliminate an argument I went along with it. But that was weeks ago and I didn’t then have the feelings or real connection that I do with the new guy I have been seeing.

    Please help I am hating on myself for so many reason as is and I have no idea what to do….

    • First, while I realize that at first glance it makes sense to have an abortion because you never wanted a child with your friend, it is very important to look at your own unique risk factors for being at greater risk of one or more physical or psychological complications from having an abortion.

      Please read “Identifying High Risk Abortion Patients” or “Abortion decisions and the duty to screen: clinical, ethical, and legal implications of predictive risk factors of post-abortion maladjustment“ for a more complete list of risk factors, including citations to the studies identifying each risk factor.

      You should also read our page summarizing studies related to the psychological and physical risks of abortion.

      Regarding talking to your new boyfriend, yes, you need to be honest with him now, before you have an abortion. That will give him an opportunity to be honest with you, in return. Otherwise keeping this secret will always eat at you and create doubts in you about your relationship and him.

      I really don’t think he will consider the fact that you had exchanged some emails on line to have meant that you were thereby “his” and obligated to wait for him. It is a bigger issue whether or not he can be understanding and supportive, and circumstances have given you the first test of this. Perhaps he will pass it with flying colors. If not, the relationship is doomed anyway because it will either be poisoned by your secret or by its belated disclosure.

      Talk to him. And share with him your concern about any risk factors you identify when you evaluate yourself in comparison to the list of risk factors.

  44. dear EL,

    i am 37. i had an abortion on jan 2013. its my first pregnancy ever with my bf who i love dearly – he is younger tho, 30. i never have kids nor marry. we both artist and at times we think we should focus on our career and this is the right decision. after the surgery, my family not only ‘not-supportive’ but also kicked us out from our place accusing we are the murders which take months for us to recover. we live both hk and paris. i had the surgery done in hk. and every time i come back hong kong will bring back this post abortion depression.

    towards the 2013 christmas my emotions are totally breaking down due to a year ago we known of the pregnancy and i separated with my bf for almost 2 months. in between i tried to open up myself and meeting a lots of new people – still i feel broken. then we see each other again before the one year anniversary abortion we went to the cemetery in paris to let go the grief – that day was peaceful.
    and we get back together becos i love him so much as i know he love me dearly as well.

    since end jan – i back hk by myself to attend my sis wedding who also 4 months pregnancy.
    but the last few weeks i am falling back into a deep dark thoughts – i didnt want to see anyone or talk to anyone and lying on bed all day n night.
    i feel i did something so wrong – it would be my only chance to get pregnancy and i killed it – its very hurtful becos that virtual babe is the one i am having with the man who i love very much. i didnt keep the babe becos i grow up with single parent and i dont want to replay the history again. its more than a year now and every time i am apart from my bf i feel so weak – mentally and physically. very often i fall into very low motivation or no motivation towards my works and projects. i usually not a baby person yet the denial make things even worst. abortion did hit me a big times – i read many other people’s stories i know i am not the only one i also know there is no magic fix – sometimes it heal sometimes never.
    but i dearly love my bf – how can i drag myself up the water..?

    looking forward to hear from you and thankyou so much for your time

    • You need to find more support and guidance through your post-abortion healing process. Please read our page on post-abortion healing programs. If you cannot find a program, you may benefit from reading a book about post-abortion healing such as Forbidden Grief. It will help you to better understand your feelings and experiences as you see how other women are also affected. You might even try reaching out to some other women who may be experiencing grief like yourself to start your own little peer support group. Working together, you may be able to find resources and training to help each other better. At the very least, you will have other women with whom you can share your feelings and troubles in a supportive environment.

      You are right. There is no magic fix. But there is every reason to have confidence that you can use this experience to learn, grow, and heal. Don’t give up hope. Use your grief to motivate you to find other women like yourself who have healed and are trained in how to help others, and maybe one day you can do the same for other women and men.

  45. Badly need help here , i read all the stories and get touch too. anyway , me and my gf just had an abortion a week ago, before that we are so so much in love with each other , we spent most of the time each other and travels everywhere. Till now cant imagine that this is happening.
    after we decide to abort we thought a lot and she understand why the needed for termination, and she will not because of this issue will leave me and she even told my sister that she will be very grateful to continue our both relationship after termination. Anyway, on the termination day, i sent her home after that and she didnt even wanted to contact me either or answering my call or reply my text. i was so upset and thought that she wanted to be alone for a while. Eventually, the next day she called me up and said wanted to end the relationship and ask me dont even find her anymore. at that moment my mind was totally blank and my heart was totally broken into pieces and i can even feel the fire burning in it.. i was so so upset and keep asking her to meet me to have a face to face talk. and what she reply is Not the right time yet.
    I understand that she is suffering depression on emotionally and physically. But i still wanted to take care of her and even wanted to care about her and worry her. for the past few days she didnt even bother to reply me at all. and will just ignore the call when i called her. Everyday i wrote a greeting card, saying i love her and why wanted to be suffering together and we were so in love. We have to overcome it together instead of herself as i am hurt too and she is not alone. I tell her that give me a chance to make things right to show her the path of our future.. everyday i wrote a greeting card and sneak to her apartment and leave the letter there. Sounds silly and stupid, even i created a website on my own. the domain name is me n her name, inside i post a lot of pictures and wrote a lot of nice sweet memories that we used to past together , i even post my current feeling ( endless Pain ) on the website to express what my heart feel and what truly i gonna tell her about the grief.I realized that she had gone in to the webpage almost everyday to read the blog and see the pictures. I did everything i can even i buy some healthy vitamins and boiled some soup and sneak to her apartment and hang on the door . until today now had been a week and i still continue to do so . but she seems like so cool to me and just ignore me. i really did a lot of meaningful stuff try to make her touch and happy and make her come back to me. I duno why it could be totally change in just a day , she was so understanding before the termination and promised will get along with me as she loved me so much, but after the progress it was totally unexpected. i am very upset , past few days i admitted into hospital as i fell from building due the stuck on wires, and i texted her let her know but she didnt even care and felt so cold to me. my heart …. until now i can feel the burning.. Ya of course i wan her back, she is the most perfect girl i ever met in my life , she is my angel , and i am so stupid to make her walk out from my heart. To me she is my lifetime partner, and i told her. no matter how, she is still in my heart. although even she ignore me, i just non stop to do stuff that hope to make her touch and come back to me even i queue for 12 hours to buy a nice shop lots for her to have her own business after our married as the shop house is just nearby my future plan married house with her that will be ready in next 2 years. i did everything i could but nothing seem to come back positive.
    I pray to god every moment to let my this angel to get back to me and i will show her our future pathway. and in return in the future i will help more people that need help and do more charity and will always go church and listen to god, i prayed these every moment.
    I read all of the forum, i really need some advise and help. whether what should i do now. i really love her so much, but she is not ready to meet me and said she wanted to stop the relationship with me. In my country here i had checked it didnt have the healing class for me to attend. i really duno what can i do now , i am so lost, i lost my soul too. All i want now is get her back. can someone, just anyone help me with it. So sorry if you guys think that this sounds funny but truly is because i love her thats why i tried all things to get her back .. but at the moment now conclusion is failed. did i need continue doing all those by writing her card everyday too and post something on the blog on what i felt.
    I hope you everyone who read this can pray for me and will bless me, as i really wish her to come back to me.
    Thank you.

    • Dear K,

      It may not be possible to save your relationship. Certainly, just begging her to come back is not enough. Buying her stuff will not help. The only hope is apologizing to her for encouraging the abortion and truly feeling regret and remorse for the death of your child.

      This idea you keep coming back to that she understood the “need for the termination” and was agreed to continuing the relationship (before the abortion actually took place) totally misses the boat. Before the abortion, it might have made logical sense in her head that it was somehow the best decision and that she would and could still love you. After the abortion, logic means nothing. In her heart, she feels she has killed her own baby…and your baby…at your request.

      This is a profound, earth shattering . . . no, a soul-shattering realization. And your pursuit of her, and efforts to put things back to “normal” ignore the fact that overwhelming fact that you are now both parents of a dead child . . . one she is trying to grieve. Meanwhile, instead of seeing you as joining in the grief, dismay, and regret for having made this terrible mistake, she sees you as simply focused on winning her approval for yourself

      If there is any chance for the two of you, it will come only after you are less concerned with the two of you and more concerned with repentance and grief for the loss of your child. It is the latter that her heart is focused upon. As long as your heart is focused on the former, not the latter, your hearts are simply not in sync.

      Stop pressing her to get back together. Instead, find a way to express your regret and sorrow and desire to share her grief rather than demand her love.

      • Dear EI,
        I really and being touched for your reply and helped. I keep refresh this webpage awaiting for your reply. Your comment really means a lot to me. I appreciated it a lot.

        Ok. These two days, i had stop pressing her to come back to me. I tried to talk to her but she ignore, she dun even wanted to meet me at all or replying my text. All i can do is post on the webpage that i created and wrote there saying that i am regret and i am heartbroken too. I wanted to see her so much and take care of her . but environment disagree, i even explained to her how upset am i and hope i can turn back time and wanted to share with her what i had been doing all this researches for healing this progress but she ignore and say no, i did offer too to go together abroad to new zealand to attend the rachael vineyard courses for healing. Sorry if wrong spelling.
        we are totally lack of communications right now, i am so lost. how long will she gonna be depressed and calm down? i am so sad for seeing her like this, it is like she is hurting herself. Although she keep ask me not to care her, i still care as i said is because of love i care you . and i hope we could bound together and grief and we shall take together and not just you.We need to be together to overcome this losses and tragedy . As grieving together is healing.
        i am desperately need advise. I really cant do much now, what can i do is wait for her to calm down? but i am worried about she will be leaving as she will be thinking a lots especially from people around her will effect her emotions and thinking.
        I am really lost.. I pray every moment to god to help me out.
        Thanks again EI for your reply.

        • There is no magic fix. There may be no fix. It may be weeks, months, even years before she can even bear to see you. In seeing or talking to you, she is reminded of the loss of her child. This is very hard on her. Even the healing process, and the idea of going to a Rachel’s Vineyard healing program, is hard for her to contemplate. All you can do is pray and seek forgiveness from God for your part in what has happened to your child and her.

  46. Been with the most wonderful man for almost 3 years now. It’s long distance at the moment because after getting our Bachlors we’ve been getting financial things in order before moving in together. Currently I’m late, like really late, but scared to get tested. The idea of having some parasite in my body leaching the life out of me makes me feel like I want to tear my skin off. Pregnancy disgusts me, and I hate my body for it even being possible, it makes me sick to think about. I’m scared to tell him. If he’s happy, it would break my heart, cause I don’t think I can go through with it. If he’s not, I’m not sure I could handle the rejection. If I had a child I know I would hate it , and hate myself, but I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend. It’s not a matter of practical reasons, we’re not fantastic financially but we’re in a place where it wouldn’t be unthinkable to start a family. It’s strictly my issues with pregnancy and childbirth, I can’t describe the level of revulsion it illicits from me, it makes me feel putrid and used like I’m nothing but an incubator for this thing that doesn’t care if I live or die, just that it can live and burst out of me like some slimy alien. And the more likely it seems the more I feel this way. I’m not maternal, but he’s the gentlest man I’ve ever met. He’s so kind an loving. He’s the only guy I’ve ever been with that would make me think twice about an abortion just by being so wonderful. I don’t believe in any sort of god, or divinity, and I don’t believe nature knows best, it can’t seem to stop humans from destroying it or themselves so I don’t really have any faith in its track record or wisdom.

    • I’m sorry to hear that this wonderful man’s love for you has, up to now, failed to inspire any latent maternal instincts.

      If you really love this guy, that is the most important issue that may help you overcome your revulsion. Indeed, I suspect he is the only “medicine” that can cure you of this revulsion to new life once you being to realize, appreciate, and love the fact that this new life is part of him…part of this wonderful man you love…part of the way you and he will both see your love expressed in new ways and also learn to love each other in ways you never would have imagined without this child to join and bond you together. In years to come, what you see of him in your child may be your greatest joy in your life.

      On a metaphysical level, an overflowing of love that leads to that love creating something new and also worthy of love is what having a child is all about.

      While I know you don’t believe in God or anything, this idea that overflowing love needs a way to create new avenues of love is not only why believers believe that God created humans to love and be loved and to witness God’s love and creativity, but also is the reason that Christians can hope to understand the mystery of the Trinity, one God who is also a relationship of three Persons, metaphorically explained to us as a Father who eternally begets His Son, and the Father and Son loving each other so intensely that that love is itself personified as the Holy Spirit. And being made in the “image and likeness of God,” human beings are designed for relationships and the love of man and woman is intended to overflow into the creation of a new person/new relationship/new love all of which are intended to enrich our own lives, help us to understand the value of relationships, and in some way better understand God and the Holy Trinity of love.

      I doubt these religious metaphors are of much help. In fact, given your intense hostility to procreation–which is clearly unusual and perhaps deeply rooted in some trauma or psychological issues which have undermined or reversed the maternal instincts normally found in women–it may be helpful to speak to a psychiatrist or psychologist to try to understand why you feel such revulsion. Perhaps they wouldn’t be of much help…they would probably blame it on some hostilities toward your own mother or father, I suspect. But it may be helpful to talk to a professional. Your hostility toward pregnancy is not normal, even from a purely biological, evolutionary perspective which is design psyches to desire reproduction.

      Instead of seeing this pregnancy as a crisis and parasite, consider the possibility that it is an unexpected gift that will . . . while forcing you outside of your comfort zone . . . may turn into the greatest adventure and growth experience of your lives, one you will never regret and will be thankful that you found the courage to accept.

  47. Hi All,

    My heart hurts reading some stories here- Id like to open and share my story in hopes of some positive clarity for anyone else in this situation and hopefully me.

    Im currently in a relationship and my GF is 10 weeks pregnant (she also has a teen from a previous BF) She stopped taking BC and casually mentioned it to me, while we continued to have unprotected sex- I feel we were irresponsible but it was intentional on her part since its the outcome she always wanted. From the outset of our relationship i expressed my desire and goal for our relationship was to grow old together, while hers has been to bear my child. We do not deal with stress very well and she verbally threatens to leave me after every heated disagreement, while I’ve internalized my agreement to give up on the relationship Im also trying to grow and not give up so easily as Ive done when I was younger. So we’re both with one foot in and other out the door.

    Before my current GF- i was dating with no commitments and had a friend with benefits- she’s an older woman who expressed the desire to have children with me before her time ran out. I disagreed because i wanted to be a father in the conventional sense and have a solid family structure. Since shes older and had surgery for a weight issue she told me it was nearly impossible for her to bear children. Through conversations she found out i had a low tolerance for booze and one day came and brought booze to get drunk and that led to having unprotected sex for the first time. Due to the long distance we rarely saw one another after and so i moved on, but a long time passed by and she finally reached out to tell me she had been raising my child who was now 2 years old and didnt tell me because she knew how i felt- since we had already discussed it. I felt betrayed, used, violated, etc- but after conferring with my Mother and visiting my daughter i came to love her – though i still have resentment towards her mother. This news came two years into my relationship and I havent had the heart to break this news to my GF- who is now pregnant!! We discussed how we feel and I let her speak first to not influence her decision and she voiced not keeping the baby in fear of our unstable relation and being a single mom again . I assured her I would not abandon her or my responsibility but couldnt guarantee staying in a relationship with someone i felt connived me- she doesnt know i already have a daughter. Im so stressed and an emotional mess- I feel i’ve been betrayed all over again and cant trust my GF.I feel this will end our relationship either way cause she’ll resent me no matter which course we take. I told her lets keep this baby but she doesnt feel secure in our future, and honestly neither do i- financially, emotionally. While i wish we could plan and build a proper future for our child, I think of my parents who didnt plan and had me. They struggled to parent me, and i was mostly raised by my grandmother, and I dont want this for my child. First thing my GF wants to do is get back to work and have our child taken care of by someone. While I feel blessed, I rather deal with my guilt for life, than bring a child into our world of struggle (which comes from a mindset of past and present hurt). I can only pray unto GOD for guidance and forgiveness.

    • Dear Kenny,

      Thanks for sharing your story and reaching out for advice. First, let me suggest that you should print out your comment and share it with your girlfriend. Then talk honestly about your fears, and why you didn’t tell her about your other child, and also about your desire to be a good father . . . and how that applies to her child, too.

      Secondly, when she told her she was pregnant and you waited to hear what she had to say “to not influence her decision,” your silence, or more specifically, your failure to rush in and say “I’ll be a good dad. We’ll work it out. Don’t even think about abortion,” immediately influences her decision in that you failed to show a desire for the child and a commitment to working things out.

      Third, while you may think that it would be easier to live with the guilt (for both you and her) than to “bring a child into our world of struggles,” the truth is that most people, despite all their struggles in life, are very glad they were born. And for most, their parents and siblings end up very glad they were born, too. I promise, neither of you will ever regret seeing your child born into this world. There will be struggles and disagreements . . . but the joys and the connection and relationship you will have with this child will more than offset all the downsides.

      I understand and agree that you should not necessarily rush into marriage just because of the pregnancy. But it is a good reason to seriously begin to explore and build toward a marriage if both of you are willing to commit yourselves to it. Love is only superficially about feelings. On a deeper level, it is a decision. If this child can help hold you together and strengthen your decision to love each other and keep coming back to each other as you go through the struggles of life, your child will be a triple blessing upon all of you.

      Please encourage your girlfriend to talk to a pregnancy help center and a post-abortion ministry before she goes to see an abortion counselor. This is an irreversible choice and one which has real psychological and physical risks.

      All three of you are in my prayers.

  48. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost three years now. During this time I had two abortions. During those times I was very confused and not sure what I wanted to do I was in school at the time I also played a sport. He was very concerned as he cried when I told him the first time but he said he was ready he was in school as well (both of us in college) I wanted to have my baby but I wasn’t sure enough to actually keep it. Since then about a year past since my second abortion. I think about it every single day ! I don’t feel comfortable bringing it up to him every time I think of it because it is a lot and plus I don’t want to seem like I’m nagging him.

    My issue now is I want a baby so bad every month I wish my period didn’t come because I want a baby . But at the same time my mind goes back and forth hoping my period does come. We stil have unprotected sex and I haven’t been pregnant again since the last time. I went to the doctor to be sure I can get pregnant she said sure you can and offered me birth control. I asked him would he want me to take birth control since we don’t use condoms and I’ve been pregnant twice and he said no. Could it be he feels the same way I do about wanting a baby? How do I get my mind off of wanting a baby so bad? I’ve always loved babies but before the abortions I’ve never wanted a baby so bad! Me and my boyfriend babysit my baby cousin all the time and we love it! We love treating him like ours. Recently he has said if it happens again (me getting pregnant) honestly I wouldn’t mind at this point. He has graduated and has a great job already. I am only 22 I know I shouldn’t be thinking about this but I can’t help it !
    How do I stop feeling this way? What does it mean ? Is it normal a year after an abortion? Should I tell him how I feel about wanting a baby do bad? I don’t want to scare him away but a part of me thinks he feels the same way .
    Thanks for reading 🙂

    • Dear Tatiana,

      First things first. Please call one of the hotline numbers on our page with resources and tips for finding a post-abortion healing program. You will be able to then talk to a woman, most likely who has been through a very similar experience, who can listen and understand and support you in ways your boyfriend and doctor can’t.

      It is very important for you to work through the healing process and untangle the web of grief, ambivalence, and guilt surrounding the past abortions which may otherwise come up to haunt your relationship with your boyfriend and also your ability to bond and mother your future children. It would be even better if your boyfriend were to participate in a post-abortion program also. There are separate programs for men or programs that include men and women as couples, such as on a Rachel’s Vineyard weekend. Working through your separate issues, and your issues with the abortions as a couple, together can truly deepen and strengthen your relationship.

      Second, it is very common for women to have intense feelings to become pregnant following an abortion. Very often these feelings become more intense near the anniversary of the conception date of the aborted baby or around what would have been the expected due date. The body/mind has its own internal clock and knows, as these days approach, that something is missing (the baby) and has a desire to fill this void.

      Having a child does help some post-abortion symptoms, but it can also bring out new ones . . . such as intense over protectiveness for the born child, or for some, difficulty bonding with a baby one “doesn’t deserve.” This is why it important to start the post-abortion healing process sooner rather than later. Before you become pregnant, if possible.

      Third, I recommend that the two of you stop putting off committing yourselves to each other and your children. 22 is a great age to start a family. Do it right. Get married. Then, get pregnant. Bring your child into a home with parents who are committed to each other and the raising of children. All the other plans, school and work, are the externals which can be planned and worked out around the central value of a good life . . . which is relationships, specifically a committed relationship with yours spouse and your children.

      You are in my prayers.

  49. Hello, this is my first time doing something like this… but i’m at the point where I think I need to. I had an abortion on may 27th,2011, so just nearing 3 years ago when I was 19. It was supposed to be due the day before my birthday. I am now 21.

    I’m kind of reaching out for help or advice or something. My boyfriend, well recently ex boyfriend, and I made the decision together but as we were home in two opposite ends of the US I went by myself. I’m in college so I was a freshman then. There are days when i don’t think about it but then others when i think about it randomly and i have bad days where i just break down. We never really talked about it because who wants to just bring something like that up? The other day, though, we had been drinking, got into an argument and all of the anger flowed out. Said we wish it never happened, regretted everything. I said he ruined my life, went great detail about the baby of things that he never entirely knew (in terms of how i was 3 months and what that meant). So much emotion on both parts were spilled out and it was kind of bad. I regret telling him some of the things i did because now i feel more alone than ever. I want to forget it and block it out but there’s just so much with it still that even now i’m holding back tears.

    I feel like something is wrong with me. Actually i’m positive there is. I love him so much but it’s hard for me to love myself because of what i’ve done so long ago. I changed completely afterwards. i push everyone away unintentionally and i really feel like i’m alone even when i have loved ones. The argument reopened a wound and now that he’s gone..won’t answer the phone and rhings.

    i’m an emotional wreck internally.I cant stop thinking about what happened seemingly forever ago. I don’t want this to keep resurfacing and causing problems in our relationship. Or any other aspects of my life. I don’t know what to do.

    • Hi Amanda. If you have not read it yet, please read our page on finding a post-abortion healing program that will work for you. Some of these, like Rachel’s Vineyard, offer programs that are also for men and/or couples. If he is hurting too, it would be great for both of you to seek help either individually or together.

      If you want to open the dialogue with him, even if he won’t answer the phone, consider the very old fashioned, but very meaningful step of writing him a short letter. I suggest keeping it short so you can avoid going into your hurts and pain (saving that for a safer time to discuss these with him again), but instead just acknowledging that you are both hurting and that when people are hurting they often say things that are harsh, unfair, unkind or exaggerated and that you are sorry for the ways you may have hurt him in your conversation and also offering forgiveness for any thing he may have said because he too was speaking from a place of hurt. Maybe you don’t need to say much more than that, other than to express your hope that you can both find healing for each other and yourselves and come to some peace, and then describe to him your interests and thoughts regarding finding a post-abortion healing program . . . offering and encouraging him to consider doing the same thing, either with you or by himself.

      You are both in our prayers. Please drop us a line again when you find some help and feel that you are on the healing path.

  50. Hi I’m a 36 year old man who recently went through my gf having an abortion which I supported her decision in doing so. I have totally stood by her throughout the process and about 2 weeks after going through with it she left me and moved out. We had no prior love loss toward each other and i’ve been doing everything I can to try and get her to come home as well as support her in her decision to leave and spend time alone. She’s not facing the issues at all however, hasn’t gone to her follow up appointment and I’ve heard that can severely effect a woman’s hormones and make her do things she normally wouldn’t. We’ve been living apart for 2 months now and we’ve gone home apart to see family and come back to where we live to no real progress. Shes finally going to see a therapist tomorrow and says she will make an appointment to see a Dr. for a followup this week. We never fought, argued or had any real problems prior to going through this and I’ve asked her if she ever considered leaving me before going through this and her answer was definitively NO that she loved me with all her heart and could never imagine being without me prior to this. Shes moved in with girls she doesn’t know at all and has been running around partying instead of facing the real issues at hand in her life such as going back to school and wont even talk to me about it without getting angry or upset saying that “we always have hard conversations when we’re together.” I try to make things fun and not discuss them at all with her and have even tried totally cutting off contact with her but she ends up reaching out to me and testing me to see if she can still get my attention. I don’t know what to do since we still sometimes see each other and have sex but when she has an orgasm it really causes her tremendous pain in her stomach and she gets very upset and ill. I know this can happen due to some kind of physical ailment that goes along with the abortion and I only want her to get better and be happy in life. She says she loves me but isn’t in love with me like she used to be. I would love some advice on how to fix our relationship and get her back or just some insight to what someone thinks about what shes going through as a woman. Shes very young 23 years old and normally I would’ve never dated someone so young but I couldnt help falling in love with her after about 6 months of dating even though I tried not too. Shes the greatest woman I’ve ever known and we really were perfect together prior to this happening. The reason for the abortion was that she was violently sick everyday for about a month and a half and had lost over 15 pounds, couldn’t eat or sleep well and spent the whole time on the couch. Now that shes better the love seems to have gone away for her. I guess what I’m asking is since she tells me she needs space and to be alone for a while but isn’t alone at all shes moved in with girls she barely knows and spends all of her time with them not fixing our relationship as shes said time and time again thats what she wants to do. Our attraction toward each other is still there obviously but its definately not the same as it was before for her and I can feel it. Should I give up and move on or should I try to fight for this?

    • It does sound like she’s having fairly typical post-abortion reactions in regard to troubles with her relationship with you. If you truly love her, it’s hard to imagine giving you any encouragement to move on. It would be great to see you work things out. But realistically, things will never get back to as good as they were, or get better (as can and should happen), until you both work through the post-abortion healing process. I’m not sure if she is ready for it yet, and you may need to give her time to be ready for it, but I strongly encourage you to both participate, together, in a post-abortion healing program. Some programs, like the Rachel’s Vineyard weekends, accommodate couples and can help to both heal the past and build toward the future. Please read our page on healing programs and encourage her to consider doing something with you.

    • I could have written this. My girlfriend is just partying with her friends and repeatedly going on holiday while telling me that she needs time for herself. She seems completely numb emotionally and doesn’t seem to love me anymore.

      We had a great relationship before the abortion too. I feel lost right now. Anyway, I’m interested in how it turned out for the both of you Seth, I know your message is old but you never know.

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