Consequences – Testimony

by Cindy Hendrickson

I was the only daughter of a doctor in Enid, OK. In August of 1971, when I was 16, I was born again at a Church of the Brethren church camp. During the last two years of highschool, I became angry at God for not giving me a guy who would love me. In 1973, I went to college, started drinking and lost my virginity while drunk. I dropped out of college and became involved in drug use.

Within two years I was involved in what I called a relationship and was pregnant at 19. The father said we would be married, but changed his mind. When I moved home, my dad started talking about abortion. I told my parents that I wanted to give the baby up for adoption. My mother took me to Kansas City because she and Dad had once sent a friend’s daughter to K.C. to a home for unwed mothers. When we got there, she couldn’t find it.

After we went back home, Mother didn’t talk to me anymore about what to do. My father talked to me every morning about my getting an abortion, then came home at noon and talked some more, and every night, too. I kept telling my dad that I was 14 weeks pregnant and that it was illegal after 12 weeks. I was several weeks further along when I finally said OK, since I didn’t believe they would do it that late. So my dad sent my mother and me to Houston. Mother took me to the clinic, paid almost $500 in cashiers check and then they told her to leave. I truly believed that they would say “you’re too far along” and would tell me to leave and then my dad would have to help me find a home for unwed mothers. Of course, that didn’t happen.

The counselor took all the girls (25) into a room and taught us about birth control. That was the last I saw of her. Then we changed clothes and were given shots of Demerol every four hours. Around midnight, the doctor came to my room injected saline into my uterus using a large syringe and long needle. I was so frightened. He barely spoke to me. The nurses never spoke to us any more than necessary, either. No one told us what would happen.

Sometime later, I went to the bathroom to have a bowel movement. I looked down into the toilet and saw my baby hanging from me by the umbilical cord. I began screaming for help hysterically. My roommate turned on her call light and after 15 minutes she went to the nurses station and got a nurse. God bless her for her mercy. I could hear the nurses talking and laughing at the nurse’s station. The nurse came and I begged her to “take it away” but she refused saying she couldn’t until I passed the placenta. She made me walk back to the bed with the baby dangling between my legs. I lay in bed for one to two hours, my legs bent and knees up trying not to touch the baby, screaming and crying hysterically. Finally they removed the baby.

At the abortion clinic, I wore new house shoes that my mother had bought me. They had blood on them from my walk from the bathroom to the bed. After I returned home, I wrapped them up in a towel because I couldn’t wash off the blood and hid them under long dresses in the back of my closet. Every time I moved between dorm rooms and apartments after college, I moved them and hid them at the back of my new closet. After several years, I washed them but still couldn’t look at them because could still see the blood. Finally, it came to me that I could throw them away.

I have never told my parents what happened at the clinic. I began college the next fall. I took lots of speed. I cried lots and lots. I seldom ate. My weight dropped to 90 pounds (I’m 5’8″), and I passed out in my room from anorexia. After I passed out, my dad came and got me and took me home to “get over the flu” and got a doctor friend to put me on antidepressants.

I kept the abortion a secret. I told the father and the people in Kansas that knew I was pregnant that I had miscarried. After the abortion, I hated men and seduced the baby’s father back into a relationship and then dumped him when he thought we were going to have intercourse–telling him just what I thought of him. I continued that behavior with a lot of guys that I would meet in the bar.

The first year in college, an eighteen-year-old girl asked me to take her to the health department and wait in the car. She came out crying and I took her back to my dorm room. I told her that I knew what was wrong. I told her every detail of my abortion and then didn’t tell another soul for many, many years. The father of the baby married her and I had a bridal shower for her though we had not been friends. Several years later, she went to my parents home looking for me and though I wasn’t there she told my mother to tell me “thanks.” I knew what she meant!

I met my future husband in 1977 and got my R.N. degree. James and I married in 1981. Immediately I started to try and get pregnant. We had years of infertility treatment. About a year after we started treatment, I was convinced that God was punishing me. Under extreme mental stress, I told my husband about the abortion. He was supportive and loving. Eventually I returned to church looking to God to give me a baby. A year later, He did. I had three sons and a daughter between 1985 and 1992. I couldn’t get enough babies. I believe I was trying to replace the baby I killed. I had a hysterectomy two years ago.

I spent eight years after the abortion in destructive behaviors. I went to three different secular counselors, never telling them about the baby. I got off of antidepressants only two years ago. I am receiving counseling now at Birth Choice and hope to eventually be able to counsel others. I have judged myself guilty of murder for 21 years. I had received God’s grace and forgiveness for my many sins, but I could not forgive myself, especially since I knew it was a baby. There is no statement strong enough to explain what it is like for a mother to kill her baby.

My counseling and healing continue to progress. For the first time in 21 years, I don’t feel shame and guilt. I’m sad about the abortion, and I am sorry I was in sin, but I have finally been able to grieve for my aborted baby and can think of him without horror.

I’ve received the opportunity to tell a teenage boy who was pro-choice the truth about abortion. He was really receptive to what I said and verbalized a change in how he views abortion. A youth pastor’s wife at another church told me about her abortion and how she can’t forgive herself. I shared with her what I have learned. In six weeks I will receive training to work at Birth Choice. I’m looking forward to that.

Thank you for your pro-woman / pro-life work.


Comments

Consequences – Testimony — 3 Comments

  1. This is my testimony for Jesus Christ!

    My childhood was good. For the majority of it I grew up with my mom,dad , my brothers and a sister. As I came into my teenage years my parents split. At that time in my life it hit hard. Watching both of your parents go through personal turmoil and heartbreak really sucks. The best part of my childhood was my mothers teachings on Jesus Christ. My siblings and I being gathered around are round dinner table with my mom reading us Bible stories is a time I really appreciate and Cherish.

    Matthew 19:14
    But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

    Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

    She had taught my siblings and I how to pray and how to become saved. She explained what Salvation is. Salvation is not fiction, it’s real and it can not be obtained by picking up trash and being polite…(in other words good works). Jesus Christ died on the cross for us.God gave us his only son, Jesus to die for our sins so if we believe in him we obtain everlasting life with him in Heaven.

    John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

    Praise Jesus Christ for this woman!!!! She may not have realized at the time or even in the few years to come, but with her teachings about Christ she was full filling Proverbs 22:6 in my siblings and I.

    I had accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour at age 13. Life was good. Then family troubles arose and instead of pressing in harder to Christ I slowly drifted farther away from him. As my teenage years progressed, I defiantly had become a backslider. At age 17 I clung to a 18 yr. old guy for comfort when I should have turned to Jesus. On top of that, I had moved, eventually quit public high school. My relationship with this person was toxic and it didn’t matter, I stayed with him anyway. He was a mess, I was mess, hey were perfect for each other…..hahaha.. no we weren’t. My relationship with much of my family was estranged and so was my relationship with God, I didn’t have MUCH time for him at that time in my life. I committed sin after sin. At age 18 I missed my period, knew I was pregnant and had a pill abortion. By doing that I opened the door for Satan to further ruin my life. Two years later I had reached my breaking point in this relationship and finally split. Almost a month after the break up I found out I was pregnant.

    So at 20, I was now pregnant and about to marry a person who I despised for the sake of the Innocent child growing in my womb. My father and I sat in the car outside the magistrate office and just cried. He said “We can go home, it’s not too late to turn around now.” I said no…so there I stood saying my wedding vows to a person who I knew I didn’t want to marry. The years ahead were awful but necessary to bring me to where I’ am now. My husband was not ready to be a husband or a father, and I wasn’t ready for any of it. He started to hit me all the time and told me how much of a piece of crap I was while I was carrying his child and he’d slander my name all over the town we lived in. I hated him, I hated myself and hated my life. He drank all the time and broke all our stuff. We never had much money. He would disappear for days and just decide to come home when he wanted to. My father, his mother and others bought us grocery’s etc. Was just a mess. I had no one to blame but myself…God tells us in…….

    Romans 6:23-For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

    I knelt down and prayed that my child was healthy despite all the fighting, screaming, abuse and garbage going on in our lives. I really wanted to cash out at that point. I prayed that God would drop the roof of the apartment down on me cause I was done and didn’t want to do it anymore.

    Ezekiel 18:20 – The soul that sinneth it shall die.

    After our child was born my husband at the time was sent to Iraq. To be blatantly honest…I was happy to raise my child in peace. My son and I moved in with my dad. I started college worked 2 part time jobs. It wasn’t easy but I was happy and thankful to God for where I was. As time went on a whole lot of evidence that my husband had been repeatedly unfaithful came forward. His friends didn’t like me much. He and his family etc. had really tore my reputation to pieces. When he finally got home our relationship that was already junk was moving to the unsalvagable yard. He actually told me because he was a man he could do whatever he wanted and I had to deal with it. When he hit me or treated me bad, he said it was my fault and I made him do it. I knew he had cheated on me multiple times. So I went out and did it to him. He always made me out to be horrible and he always played the victim. After being trashed so bad….I became exactly what they said I was, and I knew that God was the answer and I needed to dig deeper, spend more time with God. I needed to rededicate my life to the Lord and this time press into him.

    Finally after 7 yrs in a wrong relationship, and months of truly praying for God to get me out of it, God sent me a crowbar. His name was Jimmy. My relationship with Jimmy was fleeting and that’s OK. I took some time away from men and spent time praying, getting to know God better, focused on school and raising my son.

    GOD TOUCHED MY HEART…LITERALLY

    I had put my son to bed one night and went into my room and just cried and cried. I was 23 at the time. I was so beaten down and sick of life. I pleaded and cried out to God for help. At that moment I had a vision of Jesus Christ coming toward me. The entire vision was in an amber color. As he got closer he reached his arm out and touch me heart. I literally felt him touch my heart. I felt in such peace and was able to finally sleep. My life was spiritualy and physicaly changing for the better after that.

    In months to come I obtained a new job and interestingly enough my boss had asked if I’d be interested in meeting one of her sons friends. My first response was “ahhh no thanks ,that’s OK.” After a while she brought it up again and I agreed to at least talk to him. Today, That man is my wonderful devoted husband. After two yrs. into dating however, I was starting to see some all to familiar warning signs. I had been through enough with the other one and thought HERE WE GO AGAIN!

    God was calling me to be more in him…and he laid it on my heart so strong to go back to the church I first accepted him in. When I finally walked into that church that Sunday, the feeling of relief was one that I’ll never forget. It was apparent to me that he wanted me here for some reason. I was finally hit with something worth being hit with that Sunday…the Holy Spirit! From that day on I dug into Gods word strongly,studied and prayed for God move the mountains of oppression out of my life for good. Over the past 3 years God has grown me up in him so much more than in recent years. He has completely changed me from the inside out. I don’t know who that girl is that i use to be and I don’t want to know her. My second and currant husband is now saved as well. Our children are growing up with the word of God and it’s impressive what God is doing with each of them.

    Being were I’am spiritual with Jesus Christ at this time is such a blessing. He has Healed my son from ADHD tourettes, he has broken the chains of Hell off of many people in my family. He has caused me to become pregnant even though my tubes were tied. He is my refuge , my rock, my salvation is only because of him. I’m where Iam today because of him. I don’t deserve any of it,but iam so grateful that the creator of the entire universe took time to fix me and my family and save us from our sins and from the grasp of the devil.

    I urge all of you who are reading this and have not come to Christ to do so…and if your a backslider and everything you are trying to do to make your life better isn’t working….YOU NEED TOFORGET THE WORLD AND FOCUS ON JESUS CHRIST. Best decision I ever made. He has a purpose for all of us. You need to stop relying on yourself and other human beings . Give in to Jesus Christ. It’s not always easy to understand why you have to go through certain things. But being were Iam now and knowing where iam headed,I’m grateful for my horrible past and praise Jesus for it.

    And everything Satan has made for evil,God makes for good.

    What this means is, Sometimes God allows the devil to cause things to happen (and Satan can only do that if God allows it!) for our benefit. Which means, sometimes we have to go through something hard or life changing to wake up to the reality that God is God and we are not in control! Nor do we want to be! He knows what’s best for us, and when we decide to make our own rules and live life the way WE want to, it usually ends up in a mess! So in His Grace, God steps in, allows something hard or bad to happen, so we will turn to Him or even to test our Faith:) Then the evil plan of the whole thing backfires on the devil!! Pretty cool huh? So what the devil meant for bad, God takes and makes something good out of it for our and Gods benefit. To draw us closer to the purpose and reality of who God has made us to be.

    The Need For Salvation
    Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through Me.” (John 14:6)

    …by the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene…there is salvation in no one else; for there is no other name under heaven that has been given among men, by which we must be saved…(Acts 4:10,12)

    …for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…(Romans 3:23)

    For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 6:23)

    …Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, shall inherit the kingdom of God.
    (1 Corinthians 6:9-10)

    …we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ…(2 Corinthians 5:10)

    …Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners…(1 Timothy 1:15)

    For there is one God, and one mediator also between God and men, the man Christ Jesus…(1 Timothy 2:5)

    …it is appointed for men to die once and after this comes judgment…(Hebrews 9:27)

    If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
    (1 John 1:8)

    Everyone who practices sin also practices lawlessness; and sin is lawlessness.
    (1 John 3:4)

    Take Jesus as your Lord and Saviour

    Talk to God in your own words and mean it in your heart. “God, I know I’m a sinner. I know I’m not perfect. I know that you gave your only begotten son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for my sins. I believe that he died and rose again. I believe in him and the salvation that he offers and I want you to come into me life. Be my God for the rest of my life. I turn from my sin now. Help me to stay with you all the days of my life. In Jesus’ name, Amen”

    Iam Blessed to share this testimony with you and I pray that someone somewhere can be helped and brought to the grace and salvation of Christ through this.

    God Bless you always….Rachel

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