Never Again – Testimony

My story starts when I was 19. I had just moved out of my parents’ house, and broken up with my boyfriend. I felt so free! I started messing around with anyone and everyone who would take me home for the night. I soon found myself pregnant. Since I was living in “my own place,” I absolutely did not want a baby at that time. I was having too much fun living it up, partying, charging all my credit cards to the max, and so on. I couldn’t afford a baby, and I didn’t want one.

I told two of my girlfriends, and not anyone else. I didn’t dare let anyone else know I was pregnant, because then they would know I’d been messing around. Under the “circumstances,” my “friends” thought I should get an abortion. I listened to them and did just that.

I called Planned Parenthood, and the first thing they did was give me the phone number of their abortion chambers. They didn’t ask me a thing, like how far along I was or anything. I remember wondering why they didn’t ask anything, but now I know: they wanted their $350. What’s more, they told me that I could not wait to decide until tomorrow, because tomorrow would be too late.

At this time, I did not think abortion was good or bad; actually, I hadn’t given it much thought. It was legal, I figured, so it must be alright. So I made the choice to have my “blob” killed.

I remember walking into the abortion chamber, and could not mistake its smell: it was the smell of DEATH. No one was looking at anyone else, there were no smiles, nothing — just a whole lot of scared girls who had no one to share their troubles with. Some girls even had their boyfriends with them, for moral support, I guess. I was by myself, because I didn’t want anyone to know I was pregnant.

I filled out about 6 forms, half of which I did not read, some of which must have been release forms for the “doctor” and “clinic.” Who knows what the rest were for. They made sure they had my $350 before I went any further in the “clinic.”Now I really feel I was misled, because in “counseling,” they didn’t ask a thing about me or the “blob” I was carrying in my body. They told me abortion was “safe and painless”– at the most, it would “just feel like period cramps.” Boy, what deceiving words they used. If only I knew then what I know now.

My name was finally called for the procedure. As I walked down the hall, it seemed like a mile or two–although it was only a few feet. I walked in a room, and a “nurse” told me to take all my clothes off and put on a gown. She returned later and told me to get up on the table, put my feet in the stirrups, then the “doctor” would be in.

It seemed like the doctor took his own sweet time, but eventually he came in. He gave me a shot of something, but didn’t tell me what it was. The shot did NOT help to ease the pain at all! Then the pain began. I cannot express in words the pain I felt…it was excruciating, and 10 times worse than childbirth. I remember hearing “plops” in the jar that the suction machine was hooked to–that must have been my baby, in pieces.

After it was all over, I remember sitting up and seeing more blood than I can ever recall seeing in my entire life. What a mess! They cleaned me up and told me to get dressed, not helping me at all. I could barely stand up. The nurse did help me with a sanitary napkin, but that was it. They said I could lay down for awhile, and that the nurse would come and get me when it was time to go home. They only let me stay a short time, then ushered me out. Everything was rush-rush-rush! I was barely able to walk, but got to my car and sat for awhile. As I drove home, I remember pain all the way there. I kept wondering why they hadn’t told me that the pain would be so bad. I got home and went right to sleep. This was a Friday, and I slept through all of Saturday and Sunday. I was absolutely drained. Right then, I knew I would NEVER have another abortion again, as long as I lived.

A few days later, I went out with the man that I am married to now. He did not know that I had just had an abortion. I swore to myself and to him that I would abstain from any sex until I was married. That lasted about two months, then the very first time I messed around, I became pregnant again. My boyfriend suggested another abortion, and I said “absolutely NO.” We were married within five months, and our daughter was born a short time later.

After her birth, I did not understand why her crying would make me so angry. She was the most beautiful baby, never cried unless she was hungry, didn’t touch things of ours once she was told “no,” and had such a placid personality. What I didn’t realize then was that I hated my daughter for being able to do all these things that my lost baby would never be able to. I wish I would have realized this earlier.

It wasn’t until soon after this that everything came to a head. I was drinking heavily, and became an alcoholic. Finally, in desperation, I turned my life back to the neatest man I know: Jesus. And things started to change.

I quit drinking and smoking. Then I conceived our second child, and what a blessing he was to us. He was everything our first child wasn’t: into everything, wouldn’t listen or obey…. But it was OK; I loved him, and that made him such a joy to be the parent of.

Through these first four years of our marriage, everything was rocky. We separated for awhile, but eventually everything was fine, and we got back together.

I decided to get my tubes tied. But two weeks after the operation, I just knew I was pregnant. And I was. My husband insisted I get an abortion, so I finally told him about my first experience with abortion. He still insisted that I get one, but I insisted “NO!” I wasn’t really thinking about that abortion, because I didn’t want to deal with it. But it was in the back of my mind, just waiting to surface.

Our third child was born, healthy and cute. He is our child that is so sensitive to the Word of God. The whole time that I carried him, I was in the church, and worshiped the Lord. I know this wore off on my baby boy.

Then, in December of 1982, I heard a member of WEBA talking on the radio. I knew then that I had to do something more than just sit by and watch others being hurt by abortion the way I was hurt. So I wrote her, and she called and asked me if I wanted to start a WEBA chapter in Tacoma. We did!

Then, working with abortion every day, the Lord knew I had to deal wholeheartedly with my abortion, and I did. There were a lot of feelings that I had to deal with before I could help anyone else. Anger at the people who gave me the phone numbers, bitterness and hatred for myself because I did not think first. My pain and grief over this was not as severe as many other women experience, and I thank God for that. I was able to get over my terrible anger toward my firstborn daughter. Now I can control the anger I felt toward any living baby. I praise Jesus for all this, because without him, I could not get through each day.

Originally published in The Post-Abortion Review 5(3) Summer 1997.

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