The Emotional Effects of Abortion |
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| 92% | Emotional deadening (Reported either feeling less in touch with their emotions or feeling a “need to stifle their emotions”) |
| 86% | Increased tendency toward anger or rage (48% reported they became more violent when angered) |
| 86% | Had a fear of others learning of the abortion or a greater sense of fear for unknown reasons |
| 82% | Greater feelings of loneliness or isolation |
| 75% | Had less self-confidence |
| 73% | Sexual dysfunctions (Increased pain during intercourse, promiscuity, frigidity, or loss of pleasure) |
| 63% | Denial (Respondents were asked, “Was there a period of time when you would have denied the existence of any doubts or negative feelings about your abortion?” Of those responding yes, the average period of denial that they reported was 5.25 years.) |
| 58% | Suffered from insomnia or nightmares |
| 57% | Greater difficulty in maintaining or developing relationships |
| 56% | Suicidal feelings |
| 53% | Increased or began use of drugs or alcohol |
| 39% | Eating disorders which began after the abortion (binge eating, anorexia, or bulimia) |
| 28% | Attempted suicide |
This is a partial list of symptoms drawn from a survey of 260 womenwho, on average, had their first abortion 10.6 years prior to being surveyed. These women were volunteers who either were seeking post-abortion counseling, had participated in post-abortion counseling in the past, or had a history of prior abortion and were seeking help at a crisis pregnancy center to carry a subsequent pregnancy to term.
These findings appear to be representative of the reactions of the group of women who experience negative emotional reactions to abortion. These figures may not be representative of the entire population of women who have had abortions, of whom very little is known.
For more information on this study and other research, visit the research page at our web site.
See also Abortion Risks: A list of major psychological complications related to abortion for more detailed information.
If you or someone you know needs help coping with a past abortion, please contact one of the groups listed on our healing page at http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/ or call 1-800-712-HELP.
I NEED HELP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN NOT COPE ANYMORE , HAVE BEEN TO CHURCH AND CONFESSION !!!!!!!!!!! STILL CARRY A TERRIBLY STRONG GUILT ABOUT THIS . I HAVE ONE 7 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER …I HATE MY LIFE , LOVE MY LITTLE GIRL BUT FEEL I WAS FORCED BACK “THEN” TO MAKE A DECISION THAT I TRULY HAD NO CONTROL OVER …:( PLEASE HELP ME …………LIVE IN FLORIDA AND ABOUT TO LOSE MY MIND OVER THIS PROBLEM .
Dee, I am sorry you are going through such a difficult experience. Have you contacted any ministries work with women and men who have experienced abortion? I am not a counselor of any sort, but it may be that you have unresolved issues that you still need to work through. Not feeling better even though you’ve been to church and confession (or even already had some counseling) is not a sign that there is something wrong with you or that you are crazy … it probably just means that there are still things that need to be addressed. If you haven’t done so already, I would suggest contacting one of the groups listed on our healing page at http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/. Please know that we are praying for you!
Dee
I know exactly how you feel. I had an abortion as a result of an abusive marriage. I did not want to bring another child into the world to face such a horrible way of life. I hardened my heart and blocked out the event for many years so I wouldn’t have to face what I done. I really thought I was making the right decsion only to realize the emotional effects years later.I finally got some peace when I made a one on one confession to the Lord. I even visualized asking my aborted child for forgiveness The emotional pain was more than I could have ever imagined. I had to forgive myself for the action and resolve that the pain will stay with me forever but there is a way to manage it and I get a sense of relief knowing I will see my child in heaven one day. You will be in my daily thoughts.
hi… i am not a professional but i have dealt with the same decision. i too have rarely found peace with that decision to kill my child. however i found church only to help when I accepted how severe what i had done really was. i stopped lying to myself and others and now i deal with the choice i made. second please realize this choice was equivalent to most as losing a child. now u have a 7 year old daughter you say. imagine losing her. you would grieve for quite some time right. as would i if i lost my 9 year old son. 4 years ago i killed and rejected my unborn child because i found out i was pregnant the day i went to the hospital to have my broken face x-rayed.(my face was broken by that child’s would be father.) now today i live for the son i have come to terms with what i have done i am open and honest. i accept the shame and know God has forgiven me. when faced with that decision a second time after a rape. i chose to keep that baby because i knew the devastation of killing a child a second time would in turn kill me. now i have also a 1 year old little boy, and when we die (me and my 2 boys) we will meet their brother or sister at the gates of heaven. getting over this is not about coping or dealing with the decision it is about repenting, feeling truly sorry, asking for forgiveness from God but mainly and most important FORGIVING YOURSELF. imagine the woman who ran over her child in a parking lot after forgetting the baby in the car seat on the ground while packing up her groceries. we all make mistakes that hurt and sometimes we make mistakes that kill… but if we are truly sorry we will find forgiveness and peace in Jesus’ arms.
Jesus please hold this woman show her the peace and the grace u have shown me in finding a way out of the grief remorse and guilt from killing our unborn children. As you said on your cross “we knew not what we did” and we beg for your forgiveness and i pray you give this woman the strength and ability to forgive herself. I pray that you give her the grace to continue with her life with that child in her thoughts but release her from the anguish of the memory. please Jesus show us your mercy and grace as we all know none of us deserve it. Amen…
hi i am only 16.. i fell pregnant and the beginning of this year… everyone around me told me to have an abortion and my mum made me…. i had no control over it… and now i dont sleep, eat or do anything, dropped out of college.. i am still with my boyfriend but i feel like i cant talk to him about all this… really dont know what to do… coz crying about it aint going to help…
We encourage you to contact a post-abortion counseling program for support. Here’s a good place to start looking for help http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/
Hi. I found out I was pregnant on a monday and had it terminated on Wednesday. Vacuum aspiration. It wasn’t particularly painful, but extremely uncomfortable. Before, interim and after the abortion I do not know how to feel. It was entirely my descision and was the first thing that came to my mind when I got the positives. I am a student and I’m battling with my finals now. I still honestly don’t know what to feel. I feel next to NOTHING. No regret, no guilt. Nothing. I am not a bad person.This is my 1st and LAST!but why don’t I feel? Why? I’m not even depressed. I don’t know what or how to feel! Please help me.
There are many different reactions to abortion. Some women feel immediate depression. Others only later. Still others never feel depressed, but might or might not have other reactions.
Not feeling anything, as you describe, is actually relatively common. In some cases, especially when a woman feels she should be feeling something different than she seems to be experiencing, as you describe, is that your psychological defense mechanisms are simply blocking out any feelings. Denial and repression are actually normal and often valuable defense mechanisms. A soldier who has just witnessed an otherwise shocking sight who can suppress any negative feelings about it to focus on tasks at hand, for example, is successfully using psychological defense mechanisms to stay fully functional.
So defense mechanisms have their proper place. On the other hand, if they are maintained too long, they can be harmful to your well being and emotional health. A sign of this would be a reduction in the range of all of your feelings. In other words, if your defense mechanisms suppress not only negative feelings but also your positive feelings (loss of happiness) and you are walking around like a zombie, then the very same psychological defenses which are protecting you from pain are also destroying your ability to be happy. It may be that you should just relax and be alert for when and if you ever need to talk to someone about your experience.
It may be that you won’t be able to really feel on a conscious level what you are feeling on a deep level until you feel safe enough to feel and share those feelings with others. Does that make sense? Put another way, perhaps you shouldn’t be in a rush to “know what or how to feel” but should instead find people who can give you the support and love you need to feel it is safe to feel whatever is going on inside when and if you decide you need some understanding and support.
I can relate to all of the comments.I did an abortion 2 days ago and my boyfriend was suppose to come see me the next day and he couldn’t,and I have to admit that I resent him even though he wanted us to keep it.The most difficult part is having no one to talk to,for some reason I think my boyfriend wouldn’t understand.I feel like I’m going to explode because of keeping my feelings to myself.
Our hearts go out to both you and your boyfriend at this very difficult time. I suspect that he wants to support you, but he’s also having a very hard time dealing with his own grief and confusion. He’s may also be afraid that exposing his grief and confusion to you will only make things harder for you. And also afraid that being with you and hearing what you are feeling will make his feelings hurt more…and all of it could turn into a negative cycle.
So, it is at least possible that his avoiding you is not a sign of rejection but a sign of hurt and fear of more hurt.
Here’s a link to get you started looking at some of the ways abortion can impact men. (See all four articles in Post-Abortion Review, Volume 4, Number 4)
It’s all very hard to come to a new balance in a relationship after an abortion. Many find it impossible to do so. Some do manage, however, so I don’t want to discourage you from trying.
Just remember that abortion can be a significant emotional trauma for men, too.
I know this is a terribly hard time for you. I know you need your loved ones with you. You deserve to have them with you.
But all I can suggest is to be patient and keep reaching out to him and to realize that he may need comfort too. If you can mourn your loss together, that is a good start.
I have a friend who had an abortion when she was 24. It is several years later now, and I see her struggling with depression and illogical accusations in some of her closest relationships. I am the only person on who knows about it, and she has not told her dad or mom, or her sister. She says she is fine and it isn’t an issue, but it just seems to me that something is bothering her and I think it must be this. But she refuses to even run it by a counselor. I am really worried about her. What responsibility do I have to her. Is there ever a time I should tell her parents or go get her help. I know she gets down when she sees babies and on mothers day. Could it really not be bothering her, and I am just thinking about how I would feel? I know her parents are against abortion, but they are nice people. I think it would eat me up if I was carrying a secret like that. What should I do? Thanks. Chantel.
I wish I had a sure fire answer for you. Unfortunately, it’s a very difficult situation. It sounds like you have made clear to her that you are there for her, willing to listen, and just want to help, not judge. That may be the most you can do.
I would NOT recommend tipping off her parents about the abortion. I think it would be more likely to backfire than be helpful. You may be one of her only life lines. Don’t risk burning that bridge by a betrayal of her trust. If you are normally in communication with her parents, it might be okay to mention that you are worried about her depression and think she would benefit from seeing a counselor. If they are noticing the same thing, they might also encourage her to get counseling . . . but they don’t need to know about the abortion, only that she is struggling with depression.
You might also try reading a book like “Forbidden Grief,” then after you spot a few things in it that you want to mention to her, you could encourage her to read the book, too. Perhaps that would help her to recognize some patterns in her own life that are similar to those in the lives of other women. More importantly, she will hopefully pick up from such a book the idea that if she confronts and works through unresolved issues, her life will tremendously improve. She needs a good dose of hope in order to motivate her to open herself up to the healing process.
You and your friend are in our prayers.
i had an abortion two and a half years back. when i had my abortion i didnt tell my boyfriend about it. a few days later i did tell him about it but he wasn’t there for me. about half a month later we broke up. i was very upset at the time but as time passed i got over it. but every time i hear about abortions or babies or even mention of the name of the hospital i got my abortion from makes me very upset. at times i start to think about what happened and i find it hard to get myself together again.
Alice, because you continue to get emotional when confronted with things that remind you of your abortion, it appears that you could benefit from post-abortion counseling. There are obviously deep and troubling emotions that are looking for a way to be expressed. This is why, even though you try to not think about it and to “feel good,” little things like the name of the hospital can trigger anxiety, depression or other reactions.
On some level, your mind is telling you that you need to confront and deal with these emotions. But you are understandably scared to just let them loose. That is why a post-abortion counseling program can do you so much good. It will give you a safe place to express your feelings and also get support from those who have been exactly where you are today. Please look at the “Healing” link at the top of each page to find a program in your area that can help you.
I had an abortion about 3 days ago and I’m having a really hard time dealing with it. I feel so empty because I made this decision based on my boyfriend demands. I have shut off all my family and I’m not sure what to do and who to talk with. I am even ashamed to pray to God because I did wrong.
Nicole, our hearts and prayers go out to you. We hope you find a loved one you can talk to. But we especially hope you will get in touch with a post-abortion counselor soon. Here’s a good place to start looking for help in your area http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/
I have been married 10 yrs. the only person I’ve been with is my husband. I became pregnant at 21. He made me abort it and again at 30 because he didn’t want anymore kids. He never wanted any. We have two children because he thinks I deliberately didn’t take my pills which is not true. He wants to be intimate as if nothing has happened, I don’t want to as I feel he should be able to accept the consequences that comes with intimacy.
I think about these Events everyday . We already had issues with intimacy since I was sexually abused as a child. Am I overreacting about being intimate? I feel like a hypocrite .
Xa , I can sense the betrayal and confused feelings of wondering whether what you are feeling is appropriate. What makes you think you are over reacting or that you are a hypocrite?
hi my names marissa. i just had an abortion 2 weeks ago and ever since then i feel like a total different person my emotions are out of whack. i’m over thinking everything. i’ve become paranoid when it comes to my bf cheating on me and leaving me. i’ve never had these crazy obsessive feelings before. i also cant sleep and cry about it almost every night. is it normal to have crazy mood changes after? and if so is there anything i can do to cope with it and fix it ?
Hi Marissa,
It’s not uncommon for some women to experience such profound reactions so soon after an abortion. Many can push it behind them for a long time, while for others, like you, it can intrude into one’s thoughts daily, or even hourly.
While it may all be too recent to begin participating in an actual post-abortion healing program, it would still be helpful for you to have someone to talk with who has been in the same place you are. So I would recommend you try to get in touch with a post-abortion ministry to have someone to talk with. Here’s a good place to start looking for help in your area http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/
9 nine days ago I found out I was pregnant with a little girl. I was 24 weeks and never knew it. I had a pretty normal period, no weight gain,no morning sickness, my emotions stayed the same and I never felt her presence. I didn’t even realize it til I felt her kick one night. The next day I went to a dr. to have it confirmed. I didn’t even know that you could be that far along and not know something wasn’t right.
Needless to say my boyfriend was less than thrilled. I have poly-cystic ovarian syndrome which basically means that I shouldn’t have been able to get pregnant. I have been told since I was fifteen that I would probably need professional assistance whenever I was ready for children. I knew it wasn’t the best time to have a child right now. But I basically thought this was a miracle baby and I was going to take what I could get even if it was a few years early.
He didn’t agree. I had an abortion yesterday. I cried through the entire process. The paperwork,ultrasound,counseling session, vitals and when they gave a shot to stop her heartbeat. I went to bed crying that night and repeatedly told my bf how much I hated him, but in reality I hated myself more.
The next morning I woke up feeling like a completely different person. It was like I was dead inside. The whole way to the clinic I never said a word. I was crying when they took me into surgery and crying when I woke up. I feel so dumb because the only reason I did it was because I was scared I would lose my bf. I even told him the first day when we were filling out paperwork that I didn’t want to do this, that I wanted to go home. I said it over and over and all he said was sign the papers.
Don’t get me wrong. I have a wonderful bf and he has been taking care of me and letting me know that he will do whatever to make me happy. But I feel like it’s too late. I’ve already begun to feel suicidal and it just happened. I can’t imagine making it through the next years. and the crazy part of me wants my bf to hurt like I hurt when he made me get an abortion. And I know losing me would do that.
Oh Jasmine, we are so sorry for your loss. At the same time, we understand why you felt you had to please your boyfriend by doing what he wanted, even though everything in you wanted to not do it. It’s also understandable that you want him to feel the hurt you have experienced.
The only advice we can give is to (1) not pretend like nothing is wrong and (2) to reach out to a post-abortion ministry so you can share your tears and grief with women who have been through exactly what you are going through. They are your best hope for the support and understanding you need. If you need a place to start looking for help in your area, check out the resource list here: http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/
I have been seeing someone for over a month now and we had formed a really tight bond and strong feelings for each other and were ready to become a couple. That was until i found out i was pregnant i am now 6.5weeks and he is completely angry about it all and wants me to get rid of it but that goes against everything i have always believed in and even though i have considered doing it for him as he said he will always be there for me and to help me through everything. i just can’t put myself through it all especially after reading what the other women have gone and are still going through. i dont know what to do and i am so confused right now. he has told me i am ruining his life by keeping this baby and ruining everything that we share together. he feels that he has to sacrifice so much if i keep this baby but he doesn’t realize he won’t have to sacrifice anything at all especially the things he is talking about. i really don’t know what to do or who to talk to and i am scared and confused.
Hold strong, Jess. Don’t do what you know will only hurt you and violate your own beliefs in the hope you can save a relationship…which might not last anyway. If he truly loves you, he will stay with you and it will turn out that he will love this child too, as his own, and love you more for standing up for yourself and this baby, and, whether he knows it now or not, him. Because if you went through with this abortion, it is nearly 100% certain you would eventually split up because this abortion would be a source of pain, guilt, and accusations between you. And whether you split up or stay together, he will eventually feel great guilt for having pushed you into an unwanted abortion. Men suffer delayed emotional trauma just like women.
You have a better chance of keeping him in your life if you stay strong and do what you know is right. If he does leave you, he might come back. If he doesn’t come back, God will reward you with a child whom you will love far more than any ex-boyfriend, and eventually a man who will truly love you and your child as you are meant to be loved.
You are in our prayers. We also encourage you to go to a pro-life pregnancy help center where you can find friends, good counseling, and resources to help you. One way to find help ASAP is to call 1-800-712-HELP.
when i did it i didnt really want to but apart of me said i had to. i looked at the ultra sound in the doctors office and i took a picture and i would stare at that pic every day.. it wasnt healthy so i had to delete it.. i cry my self to sleep at nights, i dont think i love my boy friend as much i did before, some time i feel like i hate him, i get really upset at times, im feeling depressed all the time.. i didn’t know how long this will go on for its been five months. my cousin has a little baby girl and every time i look at her i think WHAT IF….
Our prayers are with you, Abigail. Please contact a post-abortion peer support group using the link or phone number in the article above. So many women have been exactly where you are, and they want to help you.
It is helpful to see the comments and support here. I am in a difficult position, and don’t know what to do. I am married and have a beautiful 8 year old daughter. My husband for the most part is a good man, but it is like he suffers from depression and he goes into these spells where he is selfish, disconnected, unloving, and unhappy with all aspects of our lives and does very stupid things. This is not often but it is very difficult for me to deal with the painful consquences. I can not begin to tell you how much this hurts. His actions is why we have only had one child up until this point, as we were not back to a comfortable place. We have been really happy the last two years, and decided to go ahead and give it a shot. Now I am pregnant with twins. And all of sudden he is emotionally gone and unavailable again. I don’t know what to do. I am 13 weeks pregnant…I don’t know if I can do this on my own, I don’t feel like it is fair to these babies, and I am not sure how on earth we can support twins with separate households. I don’t know if I can deal with the consequences of an abotion either.
First, hang in there. God has a plan and will help you, perhaps later than you like, but He will help you and someday you will be so happy that you persevered.
Second, go find a pro-life pregnancy help center . . . at least for the friendship, support and counseling. They may also be able to help get your husband into either individual or couples counseling. A counselor may be able to get through to him about how you need him to be more connected, and perhaps need him to get on an anti-depressant or other medication. This distancing behavior could be due to his inability to deal with some stress, perhaps even your pregnancy. There are endless possibilities. Perhaps he’s struggling with some prior loss, even a prior abortion loss, that is being aggravated by your pregnancy which reminds him of that loss. (Don’t put much weight in that hypothesis, but things like that can happen.)
In any event, I know many people think that pregnancy help centers are just for unmarried women, but they actually have a lot of help and resources to offer married women in situations like yours. Just having the friendship and support of women you meet there might be a huge help to you.
You are in our prayers, April. Don’t despair. Don’t give up hope!
Hello, I have a close friend Who has recently discovered she is pregnant at 18, and has automatically decided to have an abortion. I have two friends that have had abortions in the past, one killing herself, and one being hospitalized for severe depression… I was wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to talk to my friend about the idea of potentially keeping the baby? She has me, and a wonderful boyfriend who has offered to completely re-arrange his life, and even marry her to provide for her and the baby. I have experienced what abortion does to people, and the last thing I want is to lose my friend…
Hi Sammy,
I would suggest trying to convince her of one thing: Abortion does not turn back the clock. It will not put her life back the way it was. Her life is already, forever changed. She is a mother. The question is whether she will be the mother of a dead child whom she will always wonder about, or a live child whom she will always love.
Encourage her to read some of the testimonies on this website about women who thought an abortion was the best way to protect their future but instead found that it was a Pandora’s box filled with psychological nightmares. Then remind her of what these other friends have been through.
Help her to feel your deep concern is for her, herself. Encourage her to at least talk to somebody at a pregnancy help center.
Many women regret their abortions but few, if any, ever regret having their children…even when they may decide to place the child for adoption.
Our prayers are with you and her.
I really would like to know why or how can any nurse be able to perform abortion on any women whos severly depressed, after reading some ladies stories here some very similar to my own …..going thru operation , counselling very upset and sobbing througout. I am under impression no one can or should make serious descions under such depressed state of mind. Im wanting to know why the doctors or nurse are able to go ahead when we are not in right state of mind….
im so sorry you guys
my friends 14 and shes pregnant im really scared cuz she wants to keep it but she wants my advice whats best for her ? please help xx
We would recommend that she meet with someone at a pro-life pregnancy help center as soon as possible. There she will find understanding and help, including help and advice regarding when and how to discuss her pregnancy and desires to keep the child with her parents. A good place to find help is to visit or call OptionLine at 800-712-4357.
Regarding the young lady who is 14 and pregnant. I’m proud of you for wanting to keep your child. The Lord will make a way. Hang in there. I guarantee you – you will not be the youngest mother on the planet. My motherly advice would be to follow through on the pregnancy. Nine months of your life is nothing – it seems like an eternity at your age but it’s not. If you don’t have the support of your family – you may want to consider then giving your child up for adoption. It doesn’t have to be “good bye.” You’ll be blessing another family and you can always request an “open adoption” so you can know how your child is doing. You’re family might be upset at you right now- but hold strong. Everyone will respect you later after you’ve made the right decision to give birth and decide with your family’s guidance and support what is best from there. I deeply regret the abortion I had at the age of 21. I’m 43 now. I knew I wasn’t ready to be a mom – but too afraid at the thought of some day getting a knock on the door by someone I gave up for adoption saying, “hi, I’m your biological child.” …What I wouldn’t give today to hear that knock at my door. My two kids would love to find out they’ve got another sibling. God is good though. I’m forgiven. What peace he has given. All best to you. I admire you.
I had an abortion four months ago, and since then I just hate everything. Anything to do with babies, or mothers, or pregnant women. Even baby commercials on television annoy me. I’m so disgusted by all of it. I never want to have kids and I never want to get married. I’m also very angry with my boyfriend. We made the decision together but I feel like he doesn’t understand what I’m going through. He was not there, he didn’t see what happened and he will never know what it’s like or how I feel and it makes me so mad. He wants me to talk to him about it but how can I talk to some one who will never know this pain? I generally don’t like discussing my problems with people because I feel like I don’t need anyone. I have a history of depression and was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder when I was 12, so I feel like maybe that heightens the pain a little bit? I don’t like being so jaded and angry at the world. Before all this happened I was in such a good place and now I feel like I’m at an all time low. I’ve been in therapy my whole life and don’t feel like going through that again because in the end, I felt like it was useless. What should I do?
Our hearts go out to you. We also understand your frustration with and reluctance to seek therapy. Many women have found that their therapists ignore or mishandled post-abortion grief. Most have no training in post-abortion issues and many are ideologically committed to the idea that abortion makes women’s lives better, not worse, and so they have a lot of difficulty even accepting a woman’s grief over a past abortion, much less dealing with it.
Many of your symptoms are very common. You might read more about why they are occurring and how some women have healed in Forbidden Grief. You might be able to get it from a local library.
Most importantly, we’d suggest that you find other women who have been through the same thing and now work in post-abortion healing programs. You can find a list of tips and contact information for finding a post-abortion help group in your area at http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/. They can give you peer support and trained counseling — which may be more effective than you would get from a “regular” therapist.
You are in our prayers.
On September 28th I got an abortion. I didn’t do it out of fear, or because I simply didn’t want the child… I did, but I could not provide for a child anytime soon and I also knew I wasn’t strong enough to carry a child and then give it away. I thought I knew what I was getting into, I did research and I weighed my options for almost too long. By the time I had it, I had only a few days before it would have been too late.
Going in I felt nothing, not even nervous. For some reason, when they asked if I wanted to see the ultrasound, I said yes. Afterwards, I started crying and couldn’t stop… but I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t cry for the rest of the day, then early in the morning I couldn’t stop and had nightmares, I kept thinking I’d killed my baby. Now, I randomly feel guilty and can go weeks without even thinking about it before regretting it. I don’t know what to do, it just hits me every few weeks. I keep wondering if I did the right thing, and become obsessed for at least a few hours… I imagine “what if I hadn’t” and I can’t cry. Not that I don’t want to, I feel so guilty and sad, but I physically can’t… It feels like I gave away my right to cry. One of my friends became pregnant around the same time, about 2 weeks after me, and she’s almost due. I’m not obsessed, but she tells me about her pregnancy and where she’s at and I’m sad and jealous even while I feel like I have no right to be, but I WANT to hear about it. What do I do? How do I stop feeling like this? I don’t even like to be alone anymore, even though it’s not the case I feel like if I’m alone I’ll think about it and be upset.
Oh, Carla, please contact a post-abortion ministry and find someone to talk to, as soon as possible. Our tips and contact information are found at http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/.
I understand that it is especially hard to have a friend who is pregnant and carrying to term. The mix of conflicting emotions is so very hard to sort through, as you so well described. You want to be happy for her, but it is so hard when you are grieving your own loss.
Please hold on to hope. There is healing. There are people who understand and can help provide you with a safe place to grieve and heal and to move on . . . never forgetting your loss, but learning from it and putting it into a place in your life that provides you with perspective and strength and the ability to help others.
You are in our prayers.
I was 14 years old when i became pregnant. my boyfriend and i had been dating for a year, and he became very violent. whenever i didnt want to have sex he would force me into it. one night he told me to go in the bedroom but i didnt want to. he took the back of my head got ahold of my hair and bashed my head into the kitchen table. it was at that point that i knew somewhere along the lines i made a mistake. so i went anyway. couple weeks later i went to the doctor to get birth control. they ran tests for cancer and pregnancy. when we left i had a track meet. i took off for my 300 m. hurdles and had a sharp pain in my stomach, i jumped over and fell, jumped over and fell, once i got to the finish line i puked, two days later i left for washington d.c. with my school choir, when we arrived there, my feet were swollen and i kept having melt downs crying. when i got back a week later i had left with my mom to go help her clean. she looked over and said the doctors office called yesterday.. i said what did they say?? she just kept driving so i said again WHAT DID THEY SAY?? she grabbed my hand and said kenzy your pregnant… when i told my boyfriend he said your own your own. i just felt so broken, like my life was over. like i had this fear that i couldnt even run away from. this baby was growing inside me?? but i’m still a child myself! my mom decided we had to abort. i guess i felt like i never really had a choice when we got there there was protestors everywhere. they got in my face screaming. when i went in i was so scared. i had to wait forever. when i went in to get the procedure done. i just felt so helpless. i didn’t want to do it. i remember walking out. still in a daze because they put me out for it. i felt empty. like my other half was gone. to this day i am now 15 its been over a year. i still feel the same as i did the day after it. i have thoughts of suicide every night before i go to sleep. i cant stay in a relation ship i hate being alone. i guess i just wish i could move on. i feel like a murderer. and that i killed god’s creation. like i’m going to hell. my only advice is that u understand that things do get better and its okay to cry about it, but for me it was probably best, i could not have afforded it or gave it a good life, i didnt want my baby to live he life i lived when i grew up.
Kenzy, you are not alone. So many women have been through a very similar experience and found healing and support by turning to each other. I can’t encourage you strongly enough to reach out to a post-abortion ministry to find someone to talk to who has been exactly where you are. You will find tips and contact information for a lot of different post-abortion healing ministries here: http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/.
Don’t give up hope! Resist those thoughts of suicide. Don’t try to hide from or cover over your pain by rushing into another relationship. You need to focus on your own healing. You need to heal and find new confidence in yourself before you can be in a successful relationship. Without healing, you’re likely to just end up in more abusive and exploitative relationships….the kind that hurting women all too easily get into when their hurt is so deep that they are willing to settle for a shadow…even a mockery…of real love.
Don’t hesitate. At the very least call one of the hotlines just to talk to someone for a few minutes:
Rachel’s Vineyard Ministries at 1-877-HOPE-4-ME (1-877-467-3463)
National Helpline for Abortion Recovery at 1-866-482-LIFE (1-866-482-5433)
Project Rachel at 1-800-5WE-CARE.
Has anyone heard of Rachels Vineyard? I just went on a retreat this weekend and it has changed my life in three days. I have suffered with the pain and grief for 19 years and I finally feel free. I had not been able to forgive myself even though i knew the Good Lord forgave me, it wasn’t enough for me. It was hard for me to let my babies go, but i finally did and I’m free of guilt today because of it.
I was forced by my boyfriend to go for a abortion, as he never want any children, and said if i keep the baby, I will be a single mom. I still with my parents, financialy can not afford to have on my own. I wnet for the abortion 5 days ago, it was not successfull, I had to go back for another abortion, it was a very painfull procedure. My bf was with me all the time. Im back home and none of my family members knows, so Im going through this alone. All i do is cry, and eat. Thinking I want to turn back time! This is a real disaster getting bigger and bigger!!! Any advice will help me!
Call a post-abortion support group. You need to have someone you can talk with openly who will listen to you without judgment. Sooner or later, it would be good to find a family member who can listen to your story, your pain, and your grief and not judge you. But first, go to our “healing” link and call one or more of the phone numbers for the groups listed there so you can talk to someone who has been there and understands how to help you.
I’m 27 years old, and I had an abortion a little over a year ago. At the time when I found out I was pregnant, I just remember thinking “I can’t keep the baby, I cannot keep the baby.” I was still working on my master’s degree and living at home with my parents (who by the way are very strict regarding sex outside of marriage). I could not picture facing my parents and telling them I was pregnant out of wedlock with a boyfriend I was with for only two months. I was mad at myself that I was even in that position to begin with (I was on birth control). My boyfriend, however, was wanting me to keep the baby and was more than willing to do everything he could to support me and the baby.
I made the decision to have a medical abortion in January of 2011, and as much as my boyfriend opposed the idea, he was supportive throughout the whole process. After the horrific and traumatizing procedure, I remember feeling a huge wave of relief right afterwards. We decided to keep the abortion a secret from our friends and family. However, a week after the abortion, my boyfriend’s sister and her husband announced that they were expecting their first child (she and I were pregnant around the same time coincidentally). The temporary moment of relief I thought I had, soon became replaced with feelings of guilt and anger. I was angry at the fact that she was able to experience the joy of announcing her first pregnancy the “right way” and I ended up aborting my first pregnancy. I never in a million years thought I would ever end up in such a cruel ironic situation. I always thought the first time I would be pregnant, I would have been married and ready to start a family. I found myself in a nightmare that was beginning to unfold.
My boyfriend and I took it hard when we found out his sister was pregnant, but we sucked it up and managed to be supportive of her. In the meantime however, our relationship started crumbling at the seams. We were feeling a tremendous amount of guilt over the abortion. Anytime we heard a song about kids (country music is notorious for singing about babies and families), we just broke down crying. Our grief and anger turned into resentment towards each other. I became mad at myself for ever thinking I ever could have had an abortion. I love babies and I love kids. I kept going back to that moment in time when I found out I was pregnant and wished more than anything in the world the word “abortion” never came out of my mouth. I mean so what my parents would have mad? They would have been mad for a little bit and they would have gotten over it once that baby was born. So what I was working on my masters degree? I would have been done with the program when I was still pregnant with my child. My boyfriend’s sister and I could have been able to share the experiences of being expectant mothers together. Sadly, that wasn’t the case.
Due to the repercussions of our decision, my boyfriend and I broke up in July of 2011. While I turned to running to help me cope with the abortion, my boyfriend turned to alcohol as a way to cope with the abortion. I needed him as my source of strength for us to get through this nightmare together, however began to watch him fall apart before my eyes.
During those last few months, his family became upset that I had something to do with his self destruction. I began to find out that before I met him, he was just barely recovering from his alcoholism and finally was getting his life on track. Unfortunately, he was already emotionally fragile before we made an extremely emotional and life changing decision and he relapsed after our decision.
I had to cut ties with my ex for good in November of 2011 when his alcoholism turned into rage towards me and now we are both left to cope with the effects of the abortion by ourselves. The baby would have been almost seven months old today, and there is not one day that goes by that I do not think of my angel in heaven. This will go down as the worst decision of my life. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would have never had the abortion.
I would encourage both of you to seek some post-abortion counseling. In fact, it might be good for the two of you to attend a Rachel’s Vineyard weekend together. Many couples do. Often it dramatically strengthens their relationship since they have an opportunity to both grieve and heal together in a safe environment with the help and guidance of those who have been in your same situation. Given that you are no longer a couple, I would not suggest going with the intent or goal of getting back together. Simply for the goal of mourning and healing from your mutual loss. If and when you should ever get back together is a question that should be put off until well after you have both experienced substantial healing.
You are in our prayers.
My daughter is 18 and she is about 5 weeks preagant and does not want it ,but we want her to have it .How are what could I say are do to convince her to have the baby. I know the effects of having abortion could be hard to deal with but I can not make her understand.
Our prayers are with you. I would try to convince her to read some of the testimonies of women who thought it would be for the best at the time. Perhaps ask her to read Forbidden Grief by Theresa Burke. Also, try to convey what so many have said: Few, if any, women ever regret giving birth. But many, probably most, regret an abortion.
Abortion looks like a quick fix. It looks as if it will “turn back the clock” and life will go on the way it was. But it’s not a time machine. Her life is already changed forever. She is forever and always a mother. The choice is whether she will be the mother of a child she raises and knows, a child she places for adoption and entrusts to the care of God and loving adoptive parents, or the mother of a child that died in an abortion. In the latter case, whenever she is asked in the future whether or not she has any children, she may say no, or say only the number of her living children. But in her mind and in her heart, she will be choking on the answer, remembering that she is also the mother of a child that died in an abortion. If you have ever had a miscarriage, you will know that this internal count of the children that you had which were never born is very real. It is even more so with abortion. And that is why women who try to forget about their abortions can never truly do so.
The most important thing you can do for her is to promise to love her and be there for her. Convey that you will be proud of her if she does the right thing and chooses to protect the life within her and give birth, and will support her in either raising the child or placing it her or him for adoption. But also convey that if she does go ahead with the abortion, even though you are pleading with her not to make that mistake, you will still love her and will still be there for her if she ever wants to talk or ever needs help, and if things go badly, as you fear they will, you won’t be flinging out “I told you so.” You’ll just be there with your hugs and tears to help her as best you can.
One more thing, regarding adoption. Many women refuse to consider an adoption because they already sense inside that if they carried to term they would love the child too much to give it up for adoption. This is actually a warning sign that they already have enough maternal love in them that the grief and psychological suffering following an abortion will be worse.
You, your daughter, and your grandchild are in our prayers.
I had my daughter at the age of 16 in 2009. I had been with her father for 2 years before we found out I was pregnant. My family is a very strict one and telling them was the hardest part because of dissappointment I knew that was coming. It’s funny because I actually found out when I was going to get birth control. But immediately i said “i’m not keeping it” out of simple scare and surprise. However, after i talked to her father we decided to keep it. It’s carzy because we were the couple people wouldn’t expect to get pregnant, we both played sports for our high school year around and I was in every AP class you could imagine. Although my family said they’d support me either way I decided to keep the baby. And i can honestly say it’s the best decision I ever made! Me and her father are now split up, but it’s not the end of the world. He is a remarkable father we just don’t blend well together. I am now in college with my own apartment 100 miles away from home, just me and my little girl. It has been a rough road, but my oh my she is so worth it. I understand women on this site have carried on with or are considering abortion. I am not a full out pro-life supporter but being a mom i do lean towards that side, but i do see under circumstances why abortions are dealt with. I just want all the women on here contemplating back and forth to know that either way life is going to be hard, you just have to decide what’s right not just for you but for that precious baby in life. I couldn’t imagine how much harder my life would be if I had went through with the first words i said when i discovered i was pregnant. And if a baby is not for you there are options. My sister just lost her 3 month old son in December and families like her would love to t ake care of children people cannot bear. Just keep an open decision and nothing rash should be done. This is not only the child’s life you’re dealing with, it is yours as well.
God Bless
I am the mother of a 4 yr old and and was pregnant with another about a year ago.I had an abortion and the guilt is killing me. I made this decision based on the status of mi relationship with the father, He was abusive verbally and physically and I was afraid of being a single mom of two with no father figure in my children’s life. I am so depressed right now and feel like I have no one to turn or talk to because I am ashamed of the choice I have made. For some reason I feel like this child is the little I’ve always wanted, when I see little baby girls in the public I get really emotional but try my best to keep my composure. Just a couple nights ago I was sleeping but woke up in the middle of the night and seen what appeared to be a little girl standing by my bed, that was my breaking point. I dont know what to do anymore, I feel so lost, guilty and angry.
If you have not yet done so, please go to our page on healing after an abortion and use the websites or phone numbers there to find someone who can help you.
There is help! Don’t be discouraged. Reach out.
Hi I am 19 years old and I have a 2 yr old daughter. I just found out I am pregnant again and I want to keep it but my fiancé tells me I should have an abortion. I keep telling him I dont think I can go through that. He just does not understand how I feel he sais that if I keep it I am on my own with 2 kids. I just started college and I have been so stressed with school work just thinking about how my fiancé can easily say he wants to get rid of it. And he sais it like its nothing. I am just so afraid and I have no one to talk to. I cry every night jut the thought of having an abortion. I need help.
Don’t give in to his pressure. No man should ask a woman he loves to choose between him and his child . . . or him and her children from a prior relationship.
While many relationships survive and even thrive after having an unplanned child (a child can bring couples closer together, obviously), relationships rarely survive and abortion. This is especially true when one party is opposed to it and gives in only to please the other person. See “Can Relationships Survive After Abortion?” You might also want to read what MEB has to say in the comments here.
I would strongly recommend that you find a pro-life pregnancy help center to get some emotional and financial support from women who have been where you are and can help you sort out how to move forward . . . with or without your fiance. It’s up to him to man up and show that he really loves you enough to stand by you, not just run when loving you–and your child–requires him to show that he is responsible, caring, and committed.
I don’t know if he’ll leave you or not. But I do know that he is more likely to stay if you keep the child and ignore his ignorant and short-sighted demands for an abortion (and be thankful to you that you did ignore him), than if you had the abortion. Abortion, especially in cases like this where it goes against what you want, both morally and maternally, is poison to a relationship and something you will always regret.
Be the best mother you can be by protecting your child, now. Ask him to be the best father and lover he can be, by giving up this foolish, short-sighted demand that will plague him and you forever (if you were foolish enough to give in to it.)
Thank you
How are things going? An update would be appreciated. You are in our prayers.