Trying to Survive


Judith Evans

Trying to Survive

My childhood was brutal. I was abandoned by my father when I was two-and-a-half. Then when he reappeared in my life again at the age of eight, it became worse. I survived incest, starvation, and beatings.

I clung to life. It was my two abortions that nearly destroyed me.

When I became pregnant for the fifth time in seven years, my doctor asked me if I really thought I should “continue the pregnancy.” Abortion had never occurred to me until he suggested it.

My husband said, “It’s your decision. Do what you want,” and left for work. Naively, I began looking for women who had had abortions. But I couldn’t find anyone who would admit to having had one. I asked my doctor and he said, “It only takes a few minutes and it’s over.”

Having already had four babies, I am now appalled at how ignorant I was about fetal development. My doctor said the baby–at six-and-a-half weeks–was “just a blob,” and I believed him. Afterwards, before I even got home, I began to cry. It didn’t help.

When finally I stopped crying on the outside, I kept crying on the inside. I felt so dirty and alone. Something deep inside of me froze, I think. I dreamed a lot about snow and ice, as well as about babies. I felt cheated, betrayed, and manipulated.

I went to counseling and the psychologist said, “forgive yourself,” and “let yourself go on.” She didn’t say how.

Two years later, I had another abortion as an act of self-punishment. I wanted to die, or at least go crazy so I could escape the torment, the nightmares about babies, the self-disgust and the degradation I felt.

* * * * *

I wasn’t told that there could be complications which wouldn’t be discovered for years. I wasn’t told that the strength of the suction machine is such that it can turn a uterus nearly completely inside out. I had to have an early hysterectomy because of it.

I wasn’t told that after having an abortion an unbelievable self-hatred would consume me and lead to distrust, suspicion, and the utter inability to care about myself, or others–including my four children. I wasn’t told that hearing babies cry would trigger such anger that I wouldn’t be able to be around babies at all.

I wasn’t told that it would become impossible to look at my own eyes in a mirror. Or that my confidence would be so shaken that I would become unable to make important life decisions. My self-hatred kept me from pursuing my goal of becoming a registered nurse. I didn’t think I deserved success.

I wasn’t told that I would come to hate all those who advised me to have my abortions, because they were my accomplices in the murders of my babies. I wasn’t told that having an abortion with my husband’s consent would end up causing me to hate the father of my children, or that I would be unable to sustain ANY satisfying, lasting, fulfilling relationships.

I wasn’t told that I could become suicidal in the fall of every year, when both of my babies should have been born.

I wasn’t told that on the birthdays of my living children, I would remember the two for whom I would never make a birthday cake, or that on Mother’s Day I would remember the two who would never send me a card, or that every Christmas I would remember the two for whom there would be no presents.

My abortions were supposed to be a “quick-fix” for my problems, but they didn’t tell me there is no “quick-fix” for regrets.

* * * * *

I went to a psychiatric hospital and they gave me shock treatments. They didn’t help. The nightmares continued.

I became a workaholic. Work didn’t help.

I became a compulsive eater. Food didn’t help.

I became an anorexic as another form of self-punishment. That came close to killing me; I had two strokes.

I tried alcohol. It only helped temporarily. The torment would still be there when I woke up. That effort to escape the pain only lasted two months.

Three things finally helped. First, I participated in a ten-week post-abortion healing program. It was incredible! It did so much for me.

Second, I took the training to help lead others through the post-abortion healing program. Every time I lead a group, I witness the miracle of God’s mercy restoring the joy to these women’s lives. That has helped me.

Third, in September of 1997 I received a phone call at two in the morning. A girl in Texas had seen a brochure containing my testimony. She was scheduled to have an abortion at three o’clock the next day. We talked until five in the morning. Later, she called back and said she had decided against having the abortion.

Finally, I knew with certainty that God had used my experience to save someone else from making my terrible mistake. That helped a lot.

Healing does not mean forgetting. I will always regret what I did, and I will always miss my babies until the day I am with them in Heaven. But I know now that God can use every part of our lives, even the worst parts, to allow us to help others.

Praise the Lord. He is kind and merciful. He has done wondrous things in my life.

Judith welcomes correspondence from anyone who has had an abortion or is considering an abortion. She can be reached at


Trying to Survive — 32 Comments

  1. I finished reading your post in tears. I’m currently suffering from the aftermath of an abortion I had over a year ago…..which I was forced into and regret everyday. The pain subsided and I thought I had finally overcome it……it came back with a vengeance. I’ve started to realize this may be something that I will never ever get over and it has forever changed my life. I’m 23 years old and feel exhausted for the amount of years ahead of me that I have to live with this. My first child was taken from me and I had no say. Do you know how maddening that is? The two people who played that role are ignorant people who should have been the ones there to comfort me and accept whatever MY decision was. These two people are my mom and sister. I despise them with all of my heart for taking my first baby from me.

  2. After having done what i did by the person that advised me to do it i was told ‘get over it and get on with life’ the worst thing i ever did was abort my baby and i dont think i will ever get over the pain

  3. To be honest, these stories about post-abortion grief don’t help me. I’m pro-choice, and always will be, I can’t let myself go into that black and white mindset that all life is sacred, all killing is evil, because this screwy world doesn’t work that way. All these stories do is make me hate everything slightly more. Abortion is like suicide, it can be easily, and quite convincingly justified, but at least a small part of you dies. I just wish you and so many others had better council to figure out if the alternative really is more painful, and believe it or not, it can be. Or, what about a way to make absolutely No negative impact on the lives of those who decided to become mothers? That would be amazing, if we lived in a world where nobody regretted becoming pregnant, but surprise, we don’t live in a world like that, just like how we don’t live in a world where every single person is capable of living even a decent life.

  4. When coffee tasted a bit funny, when I started to get headaches, I thought, no- it can’t be. I was a bit excited yet scared of what everyone would say but I knew I could never abort the child. I could never do that.

    Then when I told the father, he cried, I cried, the moment was filled with emotion. He wanted an abortion and I refused to have one. Both of us were heavily involved in our respective churches you see. He isn’t Catholic but I am. Then….he said he’d kill himself if I kept the child. He threatened to do it over and over and over again.

    Now I’m the one that’s filled with thoughts of suicide. I’m the one that still has the emotional scars. I’m the one who can’t cope. I’m the one who keeps track of how old my baby would have been. I light a candle for “her” every Sunday at Mass. I hope that “she” will forgive me. “She” was only 6 week old. If I could take it back I would.

    And of course, he dumped me after this, after 4 years of dating.

    • Our hearts to out to you. Thank you for sharing your story with others. No man should ever ask a woman to choose between him and their child.

      Have courage. Please check out our tips and referrals for post-abortion counseling. I am sure that you will make great progress and at least come to know that she does forgive you, just as Christ forgives you. After all, your heart is broken and contrite, which is the very best you can offer God in reparation. As in Psalm 51: “O rescue me, God, my helper, and my tongue shall ring out your goodness. O Lord, open my lips and my mouth shall declare your praise. For in sacrifice you take no delight, burnt offering from me you would refuse;

        my sacrifice, a contrite spirit. A humbled, contrite heart you will not spurn.

  5. I’m 17 and was forced to have an abortion by my parents in May. I can still remember the date that my little boy died…May 14th. The father and his family wanted me to keep the baby but my mother would not let me. She guilted me into killing my baby, the baby that I never have got to hold, the baby who bears the name ‘Nathaniel Jordan Doyle’.

    Since the abortion, I have been depressed. I lost the love of my life because I thought that I could not help him and that he shouldn’t love me anymore. I still love him though. I cut my legs on a regualr basis, punishing myself for killing my baby and every cut for every other person I’ve hurt. I know I’m on a downward spiral. I’m starving myself and ‘punishing’ myself more than ever. I wish I could turn back the clock and could have run away from home and kept the baby. He would have been a summer baby, born in January. My ex and I love him so much but his grandmother didn’t, she couldn’t love my baby, she couldn’t support me or comfort me in anyway. . . I feel all alone . . .

    • You are right to be concerned about the downward spiral that you are in.

      Please read our page on post-abortion healing and call one or more of the hotlines for the support groups, today:

      There are even more on our tips page.

      It is so important that you can have someone to talk with who understands what you are going through and has been there herself.

      I know it’s hard, but try to understand and forgive your mother’s ignorance. She is a victim of the lie that abortion is no big deal and that it would turn back the clock and keep your life (and hers) from changing. If she could really feel what is in your heart right now, it would break her heart and she would be so deeply sorry for having pushed you to have the abortion. But now that it has happened, she is trapped by her own psychological defense mechanisms and the need to continue to believe that she did what was right and that you will one day recognize that. Try to forgive her blindness — if only so you can focus on your own healing and not let your feelings toward her to block your own recovery.

      The real people to blame are the abortion providers who know how often young women like yourself are being pressured into abortion but fail to screen for it and to explain to parents (like your mother) that pushing an abortion on their daughters is almost certainly going to backfire and cause all the types of problems you are facing. They know better! But they go along with coerced abortions. Fortunately, we now have two states, Nebraska and South Dakota, where women like yourself can now sue abortion providers for failing to screen for coercion and other risk factors. If you happen to be in either state, let us know and we will help you find an attorney to represent you in a wrongful death case.

    • If you haven’t reached out for help please contact me. I would love to help you. I had an abortion too, but by the grace of God, my life has been restored.

      • I too had an abortion when I was 23. My mom and sister both encouraged me to get it after the father was denying the child. They only found out I was pregnant because I was so confused and when I went to bad and the idea of abortion made me have a psychotic moment and I was screaming from my bedroom and crying that I didn’t want to kill my baby. Why would you not support me in helping me through the pregnancy instead of encouraging me to abort? I always wondered of them. It’s been 34 years and I still resent them both for this. My sister was encouraging as well as offering to take me then she called me sick for doing it and a murderer. I also have resentful feelins toward the hospital. I was 10 weeks when I got the abortion but asked them to do an ultrasound to see if the baby had a heartbeat because if it did I would not consider abortion. They would not do it stating you do not want to do that if you are considering abortion. But hesring a hesrtbest would have probably stopped me. My regret, grief, and loss and hatred toward myself is still as intense as it was 1, 5 10 years and so on after the abortion. I guess death is the only way it will end. I was going to commit suicide but when I ended up having other kids I thought that would ease the pain but it did not. But I had to try to stay strong to take care of them even though my soul was dead.

        • Thank you so much for posting this heartfelt response. I am so sorry for your loss, for the suffering you experienced in losing this baby and the emotions you are still struggling with so many years later. Please know that you don’t have to keep carrying this burden alone. Have you ever sought help from anyone about this, especially a post-abortion healing ministry? You can find more information about finding support after abortion on our healing page. It doesn’t matter how many years have passed — for many women it takes years or sometimes even decades to be able to seek help. It can seem like a big step, but the women and counselors at these ministry would love to talk with you, offer a listening ear and help you work through the painful emotions you are struggling with.

  6. I had an abortion 2 years ago. My husband and I are both in the military. At the time my husband was my fiancé and he was in Afghanistan. I had just gotten back from Haiti and we both took R and R. We had a wonderful time in Orlando then he went back overseas. About a month later I found out I was pregnant. He called and I told him. He freaked out and told me he wasn’t ready to have children. He wanted me to get an abortion. Growing up I always told myself I would never do that. But I felt like he would leave me if I didn’t. I was so in love with him. I went ahead and got the abortion and thought everything would be fine. I went all alone. I couldn’t even look at the ultrasound because I felt like if I did, I wouldn’t go thru with it. 3 months later he was scheduled to come home and we were going to get married. We did but I just didn’t feel the same way about him when he came home. I wanted to tell him I didn’t want to get married. I was so depressed. We got married and I just wasnt the person I used to be. I used to bubbly and happy and I smiled all the time. I smiled so much people at work would tell me to stop. I don’t smile much anymore. My husband thought well maybe if we have a baby you will get better. So we got pregnant. I have a handsome little boy, but I’m not better. I love my son but I dwell on the past. It’s been 2 years and I’m finally seeking help. It’s starting to make me realize that it was a decision I went through with. I made my choices. No one held a gun to my head. I didn’t have to stay with my now husband. My parents would have supported me. The days are getting a little easier and I’m looking forward to the next chapter of my life.

    • So sorry for your loss, Cynthia. You are not alone in how you are feeling. It is a tragic experience in every regard, and healing is a long journey, but hope is possible. Thank you for having the courage to share your experience, and may God guide and bless you as you walk this road. It will get better! There are other comments and resources that may be helpful, too, on our Help & Healing page.

  7. Im am now 32 years old. I was a victim of verbal & sexual abuse as a child at the hands of my stepfather. I hated myself and believed that God hated me too. I became pregnant for the first time at 19. I had emotional problems and my boyfriend and mom told me I should have an abortion. I did and slipped into a horrible depression cutting myself. I wanted to die. At 23 I became an alcoholic. I got pregnant again, I had been with four different men and had no idea who the father was. I had another abortion. I hated my life even more.

    I was with the same man for 7 years. At 25 I became pregnant with his child. We were going through problems with him being in jail & I was evicted from our apartment. He wanted me to get an abortion. I didnt want it, but did it to keep him. I know am no longer with him. I think if he truly loved me he never would have asked me to do that. We have a son together, he is 3.

    It is only by the grace of God that I didnt kill myself. I have days where I grieve deeply for my children. I know I am a murderer, but so was Saul. I want my story to speak to those of you who are struggling. Ask God to forgive you, he will. All sin is the same to him. Christ died for all our sins, for those that trust him as their savior. Forgive yourself. I am still working hard on this one.

    I take great comfort in knowing that all my children are in perfect joy & at peace with Jesus. Even though I never met them I love my aborted children. I grieve for them as I do for other loved ones that are gone. Some days are good and others are not. Its a choice. I choose to rejoice in the blessing of my son and the forgiveness of the Lord.
    Redeemed by the blood. Praise Jesus!

  8. I am 23 and I just found out I am pregnant earlier this week, about 6 weeks along. The father is repeatedly pressuring me into getting an abortion. I dont think I am able to do it. After reading all these testimonies, I feel even stronger about keeping the child. But I am afraid of having to do it all on my own if I dont have the abortion. He has threatened to walk away and not be involved. Any advice?

    • Dear Danielle,

      Please stay strong. You will never regret it. Please check out our resource page for pregnancy help. There are a lot of people and resources out there to help you.

      In regard to the father, ask him to read some of the testimonies here and the pages on the psychological and physical risks of abortion, and also the article on the risk factors for women at greatest risk.

      Then ask him if he still wants to expose you to this? If he still does, ask him to read our report on coerced abortions, and ask him if he wants to be one of those guys who will someday regret having coerced a woman into aborting his child?

      I trust and pray that once he realizes that abortion is not the “easy fix” that people often imagine, he will understand and support you the way you deserve.

      You are in our prayers. Don’t hesitate to call if we can be of any more help. And please drop us a line if our suggestions have helped.

    • As much as he pressures you and ask you to abort or threatens to leave.. do not have an abortion. Chances are he will leave you more so and be out of your life if you do abort. My child’s father pressured me to abort but I did not. Although we did not stay together he has thanked me for giving him his sons. I aborted my first child because the father denied it and then he called me cold hearted and got angry at me for aborting and we never spoke again. Your boyfriend is probably frightened and confused especially if he is young. Hang in there. The worst thing you can do is abort. Those months will go fast and I’m sure he will come around as he see hIS baby grow inside you.

  9. It has been over 25 years since I had an abortion. My life got better in some ways, but has gotten worse in some ways too. The consequences I have to live with due to abortion plague me. I think about abortion all the time. I’m reminded of abortion because my voice has become more hoarse. I feel I don’t have much “spirit” left in me. I feel I don’t contribute much to life anymore. I don’t like myself very much. I feel I don’t have much to live for anymore.

    I have participated in post abortion retreats, bible studies, church – all that stuff. It all helped but only temporarily. I lost the ability to feel my feelings, feel for others, etc. Every night I ask God to please just let me die, I don’t want to live anymore. What for? There are no children….

    I’ve done lots of writing, worked on “forgiving” myself etc. There is no help out there for us who have committed this sin. I know God has forgiven me. The difficult part is the physical part, because I feel I’m slowly dying. I am actually and there is nothing I can do about it….

    I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel abandoned by God, by society, by myself.

    I’m sorry my post is so depressing, but this is where I am right now. It is important to put this out there, because this is what happens to women who’ve had an abortion after a long period of time, at least this is my experience…. I wish more women who’ve lived with abortion after long periods would post to show others that this is what happens. If we all knew the consequences of having an abortion I think more of us would choose life? I know I would have.

    • Dear Eve,

      My heart and prayers go out to you. You have clearly tried to find peace in God’s mercy and the support of others, but it eludes you. If I understand you right, you have the head knowledge and belief that God has forgiven you; but at the same time, in your heart you don’t feel forgiven and loved.

      My gut feeling is that you need to find more friends and colleagues in your life. It may help if you find one or more groups which you can volunteer for. Perhaps helping disabled children, or the visiting the elderly in a nursing home. You need to find someone whose life you can touch with your smile and time who will appreciate you “for giving yourself” (a deliberate word parallel on “forgiving yourself”) to them.

      Service to others is often a great way to pull oneself out of depression and self focus. It is also the way to move head knowledge into heart knowledge.

      Christ is in those you will serve. At the same time, your aborted child lives in Christ. So in serving others you are serving both Christ and your aborted child.

      Instead of wishing for death, seek opportunities to live out the remainder of your life serving others who are in need of some little sign of love and compassion…a held hand, a smile, someone to sit at their bedside while they die. If you do this, I am confident that you will both experience and give many spiritual graces. They may not eliminate all of the hurt that is in your heart. But they will convert that hurt into acts of spiritual mercy.

      You are in my prayers.

    • I’ve lived with my abortion for over 35 years and it is without doubt the biggest and most painful regret of my life. I was barely 21 years old when I found out I was pregnant in the summer of 1980. I had literally just become a Christian one month before and couldn’t believe that this could happen to me. My boyfriend was not interested in doing what he should have done to support me. I’ve blocked out 95% of the conversations and events leading up to and through my abortion, it was so painful.

      What I do remember is that I was terrified to tell my parents (they never found out) and didn’t want to disappoint them. They had spent my teenage years telling me that if I had sex before marriage, I would become a joke and a worthless, cheap girl who boys wouldn’t respect and would not consider marrying. They had reacted to my drinking beer in college with lots of shame and guilt and lectures. There was very little grace in my upbringing. I was taught and expected to be a “good girl”. So, I didn’t want to bear what I anticipated would be a very severe reaction from my parents. I made the decision to have an abortion after my boyfriend told me “you’re not pregnant, you’re just telling me that so I’ll marry you.” That’s the one thing that I do remember he said to me. I just numbed my feelings and shut down my heart and dealt with the extreme guilt because I knew that abortion was murder. I knew it was wrong. But I did it anyway to protect my “life” and my parent’s “good name”. It didn’t work. It wasn’t worth it. My life was shattered. I tried to go on, but immediately developed anorexia and began to do drugs and drink alcohol with abandon. I didn’t care about myself. Thoughts of suicide would pop into my head randomly. I harbored extreme anger in my heart against the people who didn’t help me and the people (parents) I didn’t trust to help me.

      I eventually married someone else and had 2 beautiful children that I didn’t believe I deserved. I struggled with trusting my maternal instincts and there were some occasions when I didn’t nurture them like I should have. My marriage was very emotionally and verbally abusive and I took it because I didn’t believe that I deserved to be loved.

      After 24 years of a very troubled marriage, my husband left me ~ yet another insult and slap in my face, even though I’m glad he’s gone. After he left, my defenses just crumbled and I began to feel the Lord touching my heart and calling me to a place of healing. I resisted dealing with my abortion because I thought that if I touched that hidden place, the pain would overwhelm me. I hadn’t truly accepted God’s forgiveness for all of these years, because I didn’t believe that I deserved to be forgiven. I certainly wasn’t healed. I didn’t even realize that I only needed to accept forgiveness and pursue healing.

      I contacted my local PRC and was connected with a Bible Study which was amazing in the insights and acceptance and Biblical truth that I had been missing about forgiveness and healing.

      Even though I trust that I have been forgiven, the healing is a process and a journey. I am just now grieving the loss of my precious daughter after all of these years and it’s difficult, but the Lord meets me when I am broken hearted. He carries my grief because I’m not strong enough to carry it alone. It’s too big.

      Even now, the reality and the loss of my daughter ~ she would be 34 years old now ~ takes my breath away. I am missing her in my life. I might even have some grandchildren. All of those issues that I wasn’t brave enough and unselfish enough to look past at the time mean nothing now.

      I have carried a soul sadness in my heart every day since I aborted my daughter those many years ago. It’s a sadness that I don’t think will ever leave me until I fly home to Jesus and meet my daughter.

  10. I think im the only guy here. I have a 5 month old boy. Who I adore btw, but there inlies the problem .. Sorry getting ahead of myself. 3 years ago my wife had an abortion . I thought this was the right thing to do at the time…. I can’t stop thinking bout what she would of looked like. Or how I would be holding her hand now. Or if it hurt or how i convinced my wife to do it. I don’t break down everyday. But when I do it’s the worst pain ive ever felt. Like my heart is being twisted. Its true what most of your ladies said ” a piece if me died that day” and I’m responsible. However i don’t blame the ppl (friends /family) i blame myself 100 percent. Truely disgusted with myself. I can’t believe I have to live with this. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemies ( if I had some ) the pain is hard to describe .. Like maybe I might have to throw up. I’m still pro choice. I just would never choose that again. And I would advise anyone and everyone not to get an abortion. The regret and the pain never fades . It only gets worse. Joseph Riley age 27

    • Joseph, I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through. Thank you for coming forward to comment here. Many men do suffer after abortion, but are often overlooked. There are some support groups and resources available for men where you can find a listening ear if you want to talk with them. I’d encourage you to check this out:

  11. Im scheduled for an abortion… On 8/15/2015… I cant sleep at night just thinking about going through with the pregnancy or aborting… I was married for 5 1/2 years and through that i had 3 beautiful kids… I am now a single mom that got caught up having sex with a guy friend who is 30 & still sleeps with other women… He doesn’t want me to abort, but he has no job… I may not go to church anymore but i was raised Catholic… I barely make it with my job and being on assistance programs… I’m stuck between making my life easier by aborting or having my child born in this broke life of mine but with unconditional love… If anyone would please give me a bit of advice harsh or sincere i would read them all… My friends and sister tell me to abort for the better and to make my life easier with my current children… Please help…

    • I certainly understand why you and others may think that having an abortion will make your life easier. It’s because you, and they, imagine that having an abortion will somehow just put things back the way they were before you were pregnant and life will go on as if you had never been pregnant.

      That’s false. Your life has already changed, permanently. Having an abortion won’t make it better. Given the risk factors you have already described in just your short email, if you have an abortion you are at higher risk for having severe psychological effects, including impacted grief, that may haunt you for the rest of your life.

      Please read about the risk factors for more severe post-abortion reactions here. Then read our summaries of research regarding psychological complications and the physical complications associated with abortion.

      Talk to a pregnancy help center to get some advice and support. You might also talk with a post-abortion ministry if you want to speak to someone who was in your shoes ten years or more ago and who chose to have an abortion.

      Please have courage. As you indicated, you already know that if you give birth to your child you will love him or her unconditionally. The truth is, you have already begun to do so. The lie is, if you have an abortion, you will be able to forget about this child you have already begun to love.

      The next year won’t be easy. But I promise you, twenty years from now you will have no doubts that the sacrifices you make today for the child in your womb were the wisest way to invest your time, love and energy.

      Many women regret having their abortions. Few ever regret having their children.

      Hold onto that truth. Be brave. Be noble. Set the example you want your three — I mean four — beautiful kids to remember you for.

      Don’t hesitate to contact us if we can be of any more help. Phone: 217-525-8202.

      • Always have faith in adversity! Trust God & lean NOT on your own understanding. I hope U chose life! God bless U & your children!

  12. i encourage each woman who went through an abortion to stay focus to the word of GOD because his word is life, his word is restoration. do not let the devil control your mind. i went through an abortion too but i decided not to let the devil use my mistake, sorrow and pain to torment me. you can still enjoy your full salvation by closing the door to your past. in Jesus Christ everybody is a new creation.

  13. I had an abortion. At first I was going to continue my pregnancy I had told my mother and boyfriend and they had supported me. My mothers friend got onto my mother saying how I am naive and that I probably planned it( I was barley close to my 18th birthday) I got angry. It was a complete surprise as protection was used. I was doubtful about going through with the abortion as my anger passed but as I asked for opinions nobody would help, my boyfriend said he would be there whatever I decided but said he didnt want it for obvious reasons that were the same as my own but once I went through with it a part of me died and no words can explain the regret. I felt like I was ment to have the child.

    • Please read our page on post-abortion healing resources. I’d also encourage you to share it with your boyfriend. It is not uncommon for men to go through a lot of doubts and grief, as well.

      I’m very sorry for all that you have been through. You are in our prayers. Please don’t give up hope. You can heal and learn to use this experience to become a better, more compassionate, thoughtful person. The women and men working in post-abortion healing ministries have nearly all been through very similar experiences. They can help you.

  14. I’m probably writing this email more for myself then to actually get a reply, but at least if I write it out and send it instead of my normal letters to myself that get ripped up so no one else reads it and see’s something that I could potentially get locked away in a prison like state hospital that’s low on funds and the food tastes like crap I wouldn’t even feed a dog. But here goes!

    I read your story online. And your story is almost identical to mine. The abuse . . . well the earliest I can remember was 3rd grade, my father is a truck driver who was only home maybe every other weekend if that. I wish it was never. I wish my mom would have left him long before I was born. The things that happened to me, make me fear ever letting a man close to my daughter! Even her dad who is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. But she my mom eventually did leave when I was in 5th grade. I remember the bruises like they never left. I remember being afraid to go to sleep at night. Dreaming about sticking a knife in his throat and twisting it slowly. But instead I took up cutting drinking and drugs. nothing ever seemed to numb the memories and nightmares. But some how sleeping was my way to cope.

    At 16, after being in a mental hospital for beating my mother up after coming off drugs from being high for what seemed to be day, I dropped out of school. I met a guy at a party and thought he was my survivor until he locked my in his Basement and would only let me leave when he chose. I felt sick. I felt like I was dying. I was throwing up and cramping. I had to get him to let me leave. So I made him angry, I knew that he’d leave after he hurt me. I remember taking a pregnancy test and finding out.

    Even though it came from a monster, I still wanted to keep it. But with a doctor, my mom, a hospital visit, and unclear answers I found myself at planned parenthood, protesters out side. An ultrasound, a doctor, a pill, and 2 to take home 4 hours later, and I was on my way home. The cramps . . . oh the cramps . . . they were the worst I’ve ever felt! The blood clots were huge and the guilt was tremendous! I despised my mother. For though I walked in there, I wasn’t dragged.

    After a boyfriend dying in a car wreck in 2008, I was married in 2009 to a man 12 yrs older then I was, a truck driver just like my father. He had 2 kids was his first marriage, again, just like my father.

    Have you ever felt like you’re already so far hurt and gone that nothing could hurt you anymore then you already are? Yeah, well I thought so. But this man destroyed me. Controlling, cheating, emotionally abusive, and raping me in my sleep.

    I had my son in 2010. He saved me, gave me hope for a brighter future! Love was in his eyes. And with his little hands feet and smile. I had everything nothing mattered anymore. But the abuse got worse he disgusted me. I hated everything about him! But I had no choice. He had made it impossible to better myself. I didn’t only have my self to worry about I had my son and my mother. They were counting on me. My mother had some short comings and remarried a man who ruined her. All she had was me, a daughter with hate in her heart and was bitter. But still I loved her. Worrying about them had become more important then worrying about  myself. I had turned into a 21-year-old unhappily married mom. Legal to drink that’s what I turned to, partying while my husband was out of town.

    But then in Dec of 2012 I found myself pregnant again! There was no way I could take care of two babies, myself. and my mother. I would never be able to leave. So with no other options I went to a clinic. This time the pills weren’t an option. So the vacuum was the only thing. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Waiting in the waiting room scared broken and confused. My mother there beside me. We went into the room and within minutes I was dilated “numbed” and sucked out. Feeling every single thing! Life was literally sucked out of me. It’s something you’ll never be able to forget. The noise! The pain! And the “It’ll be okays.”

    But it isn’t okay. Why do I get the choice to decide which babies get to make it into this world. Now, here I am with a 5-year-old little boy and a 1-year-old beautiful healthy little girl who fought so hard to be here and a wonderful fiance. A family.

    So why is it so hard to move on? Why do I still feel horrible? Why can’t I forget!! When does the pain stop?! Where do I find a support group? Or a doctor that will understand? I want to be happy…

    • Dear Ashley,

      You can be happy. Don’t give up hope! You can heal. I wish I could promise you that you can completely heal from all the scars of abuse and your abortions, but it is more likely that there will always be some scars . . . always more opportunities to grow in a deeper understanding and heal in new ways. But you don’t need to be “completely” healed to find happiness and to be free from your past holding you back.

      If you have not yet read it, please look at our page with tips and resources for finding a post-abortion healing ministry. Many have hotlines. You could call and talk to someone today! Most of these healing groups are run by women who have been through much the same things as you . . . including the history of abuse. They can help you heal. They want to share with you what they have learned and to shorten the time you will spend in this emotional quagmire in which you are now stuck.

      There is hope. There is healing. And believe it or not . . . but in healing you will become a stronger, wiser, more compassionate persons who will be able to turn all the hurts you have experienced into a resource of understanding and empathy with which you can help others, including your children, your fiance, and your mother.

      Don’t give up hope. Please call one or more of of the hotlines today. And as the tips indicate, if the first . . . or second . . . or even the third post-abortion ministry you contact or program you participate in doesn’t “click” with you . . . don’t give up. Somewhere out there is the right person and group for you.

      And if you ever get discouraged, or feel tempted to just “live with the pain” . . . that is especially when you shouldn’t give up. You need to heal. Not only for yourself, but so you will be a better mother for your children. They need you healed as much as possible! Not wallowing in guilt and self-blame.

      You are in our prayers! Hang in there!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *