What to say–and not say–when talking to someone who has had an abortion’
| DON’T shut them off by changing the subject. | DO listen patiently to everything they have to say. Expect and allow them to repeat themselves and to bring the subject up again later. They may need to sort out their feelings. Verbalizing them with someone who will listen helps. |
| DON’T presume to know their own unique situation or condemn them for making a bad or immoral choice. | DO express your support and concern. Assure them that you’re there for them in whatever way they may need, and that you are willing to walk with them on their journey. If they are struggling with feelings of personal or spiritual unforgiveness, it it may help to remind them that others have ultimately found healing with the help of people and programs that provide support for those who have had abortions. Some may also need to know or be reminded that there are no unforgivable sins and that God wants to forgive us. All we have to do ask and accept His mercy. |
| DON’T deny that they lost a child. | DO reassure them that their feelings are normal. Others have experienced the same thing and ultimately found healing. Build up a sense of hope that they can be healed and encourage them to trust in God’s love, grace and mercy for themselves and their child. |
| DON’T encourage them to blame others for the abortion. But don’t push them to forgive others, especially when they are in the initial stages of venting their anger and rage. | DO realize that others may have been directly or indirectly involved in the abortion, perhaps pushing for abortion in ways that were coercive or even abusive. Allow them to talk about this issue and vent her emotions. If this is deeply painful or traumatic, you may want to encourage them to seek help and support from someone who can help them work through these issues. |
| DON’T dismiss their feeling or tell them “did what was best,” or to just “get over it.” | DO acknowledge their pain and the tragic loss of their child. Acknowledge that it is a personal tragedy that may take a long time to absorb. Remind them that healing is a long journey, but that others have walked this road and that help and support is available. |
| DON’T suggest that having another child “someday” can make up for the one that was lost. This can negate their pain, suffering and feelings of loss for that particular child. Future children are a blessing and comfort, but they can’t replace the child who was lost. | DO acknowledge their loss and express you concern and support for them. Offer to be there for them if they need help or encouragement. Remind them to trust that God is with them in their journey and encourage them to entrust their child to the care of God. |
| DON’T leave them without offering your support and, if needed, encouraging them to seek out the help of post-abortion counselors or peer support groups. | DO give them information about post-abortion hotlines or healing resources or other referral tips and information (if needed). If you don’t have this information on hand, promise to get it to them within the week. Keep your promise. |
| DON’T be afraid to ask them how they are doing with it in the future. | DO show that you care by continuing to be a source of support or sounding board for them. |
Copyright 2010 Elliot Institute
