A Bitter Sweet Healing – Testimony
A Bittersweet Healing
Case Study – “Jane”
It may be hard for some to believe, but it is comforting for me to know that Moses, King David, and St. Paul all started out as murderers. You can call me Jane. That’s not my real name. Extreme shame keeps me anonymous.
I had an abortion when I was 19 years old–single, a college freshman. That was 15 years ago. It has been a long journey to healing.
My first reaction to the abortion was complete relief. I was ashamed to be single and pregnant. I had to do something quick.
For ten years following the abortion, I was in complete denial. I did not let my abortion experience bother me. I told myself it was okay, that I had a good reason (or so I thought). I
pushed it out of my thoughts. It was my body. It was legal, so I wasn’t breaking the law. These were the thoughts I used to justify my “choice.”
Around the time when I wanted to have kids, I began to morally have a problem with abortion and my “choice.” Friends would try to comfort me when I would confide in them about the abortion. “Stop beating yourself up,” they would say. “Move on.” Or “It’s okay; you had a good reason.”
Their efforts to console me were unsuccessful. I became angry. Angry at those who think abortion is an answer to an unexpected pregnancy. Angry at those who deny that abortion harms women. Angry at those who are indifferent to abortion. Why? Because I doubt they have seriously contemplated the spiritual, physical, and psychological consequences on all persons involved.
I have now learned that the pain from abortion manifests itself in different ways: denial, anger, depression, eating disorders, anxiety, nightmares, suicidal thoughts, drug or alcohol abuse, sexual promiscuity, low self-esteem, guilt, flashbacks. For me, it was anger and some of my friendships suffered because of it.
No matter how many good deeds I did, I could not take away the guilt. I went to confession, but I did not fully accept God’s forgiveness. So the anger remained. Finally, I had to admit I needed help to heal. Through a pregnancy center’s post-abortion ministry, I came to know God, my healer.
Of course, facing my abortion “choice” was bittersweet because I had to experience sorrow and mourn the loss of my baby, Tabitha, before I could experience joy and peace.
God did not abandon me during my sorrow and mourning. I felt an incredible closeness to Him throughout the counseling sessions. It was actually a relief to talk about my abortion experience, like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I could finally tell someone who really understood my sorrow and did not deny or excuse it.
I praise God for He has turned my tears into dancing. Through the post-abortion healing ministry I received the gift of peace–the “peace of God that surpasses all understanding.” (Philippians 4:7) I no longer feel guilt. I am no longer angry. And now I know God will use my abortion experience for his good purpose because we know that all things work for good for those who love God.” (Romans 8:28)
