Men’s Pain and Need for Healing After Abortion Is Real
2/27/2018
Over the past several days, we’ve received two reminders of the often hidden impact of abortion on the fathers involved.
One was a comment posted on our web site from a man whose girlfriend is considering an abortion. He wrote:
So, what on earth is the male partner supposed to do? My girlfriend wants an abortion; when we found out she was pregnant she said my input to the decision is very important so I let her know that I want to keep our baby and that I would support her and the baby completely. She knows I want to raise our child and she feels alone in the decision of abortion. She admits that she will live the rest of her life suffering from this decision and she refuses to speak to anyone about it.
So now I’m torn — do I drive her to have the abortion like she wants me to do, or do I leave her on her own because this article says I’ll be adding to her psychological trauma? I want to support her as a human going through something awful alone, but I cannot support the act of killing of my unborn child.
Sadly, this situation is not an isolated incident. Men have no legal say when it comes to abortion, and often little opportunity to support their partners and unborn children. Men and teenage boys who don’t want the abortion may be silenced, left out of the discussion, or be victims of coercion along with their partners.
Men Can Be Pressured or Coerced Too
Research suggests that most abortions are unwanted or coerced. For example, a survey of women who had abortions, published in the Medical Science Monitor, found that 64 percent of American respondents reported feeling pressured to abort.
Sometimes, the source of pressure is the woman’s male partner. But the results of an online survey, published in The Journal of Pregnancy, found that 47.8 percent of women who underwent later abortions and 30.5 percent of women who had earlier abortions said that they were pressured by someone other than their partner to abort.
An article from LifeSiteNews related the story of an immigrant couple from Honduras who were residing in Canada:
The man’s girlfriend was pregnant and was living in a woman’s shelter. These places are often run by the hardest core of radical feminists, and they had arranged for her to have an abortion (immigrant/refugee women, many of whom don’t speak English, are often told by social workers that they will be deported if they have a child, that their child is “illegal”).
This poor man, who was in Canada having fled Honduras during one of their political difficulties and who could not risk being sent back, asked me, begged me, to tell him what he could do to save his child’s life and get his girlfriend some other kind of help. I was forced to tell him that in Canada, he had no legal rights whatever and if he tried to intervene to save his child, he could be arrested and probably deported.
This story shows that both the mother and father can be victims of pressure, manipulation, deception and even threats by social workers, abortion clinic workers, medical professionals, employers, school counselors, authorities or others who believe that the couple should not be having a child.
The Psychological Trauma of Abortion for Men
And the harm does not end in the aftermath of abortion. While studies on the impact of abortion on men are scarce, available research and anecdotal evidence shows that men can experience problems such as broken relationships; sexual dysfunction; substance abuse; feelings of self-hatred; risk-taking and suicidal behavior; increasing feelings of grief over time; feelings of helplessness, guilt, and depression; greater tendencies toward becoming angry and violent; and feelings connected to a sense of lost manhood.
As with women, the link between abortion and suicide may go unnoticed except in a few cases. A 1992 article in Linacre Quarterly reported on the case of an 18-year-old man who committed suicide three months after his father’s death. According to the article, the young man was despondent over his girlfriend’s abortion. He had told a friend that the baby had been conceived the day his father died and he planned to name the child after his father.
In another case, a 44-year-old man killed himself in front of a Planned Parenthood abortion business in Overland Park, KS, in 2002. The Telegraph Observer newspaper reported that he had published an obituary for his aborted child in a community newspaper, reading:
Zachary Duncan Draper was beautiful as his mother, loved by God and others. My little baby boy didn’t make it to his Daddy’s arms. I never got to hold and kiss him, tell him stories or read him rhymes. I love you Zachary and look forward to seeing you in heaven.
According to LifeSiteNews.com, a 39-year-old man living in Hampshire committed suicide after his girlfriend told him she intended to abort their child. He was found by the police after having hanged himself. His sister said that he had “confided about the troubles in their relationship, and the last thing being that she was aborting their child.”
At least some people are beginning to take notice. In a article in Australia’s The Daily Telegraph, Corrine Barraclough, who describes herself as supporting legalized abortion, wrote:
Research suggests that men can experience grief and emotional distress in relation to abortion. That makes sense, they’re human beings too.
In 2011, an Australian researcher, Dr Kaeleen Dingle from the University of Queensland, presented a study at the World Congress of Asian Psychiatry in Melbourne showing the connection between young men and depression.
She found young men whose partners aborted were twice as likely to use substances and suffer depression compared with men who had not had that experience.
“Male suicides can be both directly and indirectly related to abortion,” Cook says.
“One of the biggest predictors of male suicide is relationship breakdown. Unless work is done towards resolution, abortion trauma often destroys relationships.”
She adds that unresolved trauma is a frequent causal factor in domestic violence. Why is no one talking about this?
Barraclough went on to describe cases of men who had committed suicide or attempted suicide following a partner’s abortion, writing:
The stories are countless and make my blood run cold. This is a heartbreaking ocean of pain I had no idea existed. …
If we start having this conversation, awareness will be raised. More light bulbs will be turned on in time. …
Acknowledging male pain, despair and grief is the first vital step towards reuniting the sexes and joining hands across this hideous blazing gender war.
Men Can Heal, Too
Which brings me to my second reminder about men and abortion that appeared in my inbox only yesterday: a flyer from the post-abortion healing ministry Entering Canaan, which conducts healing retreats for those who have been wounded by abortion. The flyer advertises their Men’s Day of Prayer and Healing, which will be held June 16 in Patterson, New Jersey.
Theresa Bonopartis of Entering Canaan told me on the phone that people come for their healing days and retreats from all over the county. One participant, Martin, was quoted on the flyer;
At the end of retreat, the facts had not changed, but I had. A recurring nightmare of more than 30 years, in which the police arrested me for a murder I couldn’t remember, suddenly stopped and has never returned. The men’s retreat was a day of grace and redemption for me.
Men need an opportunity to heal after abortion too. Find more information about Entering Canaan and other information and resources for men.
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Learn More:
Articles & Research about Men and Abortion
Men’s Stories about Abortion
Men, Abortion and Suicide
Piecing together the pain of loss for men after abortion
Research reveals men’s sense of grief and helplessness in response to woman’s abortion
Special Edition: Elliot Institute Report on Men and Abortion
Get Help:
Pregnancy Help and Resources
Pregnancy Help Worldwide
Center Against Forced Abortions
Help & Healing After Abortion
Help After Abortion Worldwide
Entering Canaan
Abortion Grief Australia
Men’s Healing Page
