Finding Grace

Khristey Walker

I am the director of a crisis pregnancy center in Houston. I am also a post-abortive woman. I know this is not a big shocker, but I also know that there are many serving in this ministry who are still locked in silence and shame over their own abortions.

When I walked into the crisis pregnancy center almost six years ago, I came as a volunteer. I was actually not 100 percent sure what it was all about, but the Lord had impressed upon my heart at church to get involved.

The application was simple enough until I got to the part, “Have you ever had an abortion?” My heart started to beat faster and I wanted to take the application and run. Why were they asking me this? Surely it was because this was a pro-life ministry and if you had had an abortion, they would not want you here. I lied and wrote, “No.”

A few weeks into training, I met a woman who spoke openly of her past abortion. She just simply said aloud to me, “I have had an abortion and this is what led me to do this work in the center.”

I tried not to stare at her. This was a Christian woman who had just shared with me what I could not even summon out of my own mouth. She became the one I followed week after week, listening to her and learning how she came to a place in life that Jesus healed her heart.

That all sounded great to me, but there was no way I was telling her about mine. I even started counseling clients about their own past abortions. I could talk all day long about theirs, but my heart was tightly closed about my own. I kept it a secret for fear of being judged. I did not want to be grouped with what I thought of as “those women.”

After a year of working inside the center, I was led by the Lord to apply for the director position that became available. I was nervous and a bit afraid only because I knew this would lead me to be more open about my own past with others who were in higher positions within the crisis pregnancy ministry.

I stayed away from meetings and other CPC directors, and kept to my own center and myself. It became my safety net. What they did not know did not hurt me, right?

In 1999 I attended a training where Sydna Masse of Ramah International was speaking on post-abortion healing ministry. I had to go; it was part of my job and there was no way out. I thought, “I can do this; it won’t be a problem for me.” I was so very wrong.

The first day of the session I had my first panic attack. I could not focus on the material. I felt sick and kept holding back tears. With those I could not hold back, I only hoped that this roomful of women would think that I was so moved and touched that I cried for others.

Truly, I was weeping for myself. I sat in the back of the room and prayed that God would not make us get into small groups, because I could not tell these other Christian CPC directors that I was suffering from post-abortion syndrome.

That night in the hotel room, I became so physically sick I almost went to the emergency room. I had heart palpitations and cold sweats and felt like I wanted to faint. I realize now that it was all due to the fact that my own past abortions were resurfacing and I was not mentally or physically ready for it.

I sat through the conference the next day praying that it would end so I could go back to Houston and away from all of this. I was never so glad as when it was over! On the drive back home the Lord spoke very clearly to my heart in the car: “You are not healed.” I cried and wept loudly in the car and asked God to help give me the strength I needed.

Upon returning to Houston I went full pace back into my job. I became obsessed with the work. Perhaps I could work it off; perhaps I could work so hard in this ministry that I could somehow atone for my past without truly dealing with it. Sadly, things only got worse. I signed up for two post-abortion Bible studies across town, only to quit before they ever started.

I walked out of one the moment I got into the room.

A year later I attended a required post-abortion training seminar in Houston and heard a woman speak regarding a post-abortion Bible study. It was as though God was placing every opportunity in my path. I watched these women get up and speak with such grace and love and freedom. I knew at that moment that this was what I wanted — to be able to speak just like they did, with freedom.

That evening when I got home, I called the woman who had given the talk. I was so afraid that she would judge me for being a fellow CPC director and confessing to her that I — not my client, but I, myself — was suffering from post-abortion syndrome.

I could not get through the phone call and broke down crying. She never said a word, just simply let me cry until I was finished. She then spoke words of comfort and healing to me and encouraged me to sign up for the Bible study. I agreed to do so under one condition — that no one would know who I was or what my name was. I truly was that afraid of others finding out.

The first night of our group meeting, I was met with other CPC directors who immediately came up to me and wanted to know if I was leading a group. I had to look at the ground and whisper, “No, I am the group.”

I sat by the door, ready to bolt out if a question was asked of me. I truly think I physically shook through the entire night. I decided this was it. It was too tough. I could not do it. I would walk out of the ministry rather than deal with this pain in front of others.

The following week my husband urged me to go back. Only because of him being so insistent did I go. I turned and exited the freeway twice to go home, but the Lord spoke to me each time and urged me to go on.

I did finish those twelve weeks. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. The first few weeks I almost came to despise my group leader, Karen. She made me truly seek out what was so deep in my heart that I could not stand the sight of myself. Not only did I have to face the loss of my own children, but I also had to confess in front of others my own sin. I had been living a lie out of fear. I was so ashamed that the enemy had kept me in bondage in my own ministry for fear of others knowing that I, a CPC director, had aborted her own children years ago. Today Karen is one of my closest friends and prayer partners.

I walked out of those twelve weeks free from guilt and understanding the true meaning of God’s grace. During the twelve weeks I actually became pregnant with my daughter, whom I named Grace because the word meant so much to me.

I would like to say that I was healed instantly, but that is not the case. It took a good year of truly reminding myself of God’s mercy and reading and seeking God in this area of my life. The more I spoke of my past and confessed, the easier it became. God met me in every conversation I had regarding the abortions.

I am not 100 percent healed; I do not believe I ever will be until I arrive in heaven. It is a struggle but one I do not dwell on any more. I know freedom now, I understand forgiveness, and I accept grace.

Today, post-abortion ministry is my heart — perhaps because my own abortions were locked in my heart for so long. I speak to pastors’ wives who are still holding it in for fear of being judged, and other CPC counselors who hear me speak and then, weeping, come to me and say, “I lied on my own application.”

I thought the Lord led me into the crisis pregnancy ministry because I hated abortion after what it had done in my own life. But now I don’t believe that.

I think the Lord led me here so that I can prayerfully be a testimony to others who are involved in this ministry that you don’t have to be ashamed or afraid. Confess your sin, open your heart, and trust that the Lord will meet you there. He will put those in your path who will love you, encourage you, and be such an important part of your healing, just as He did for me. It is His promise to us!

* * *

Khristey Walker is director of CPC Southeast Houston. She can be contacted at (713) 944-1730.

Originally published in The Post-Abortion Review 12(2) April-June 2004. Reprinted with permission of the author.