Tips and Resources for Healing After an Abortion
If you are in immediate distress and need to talk to someone right now, please call the 24 hour, national helpline for abortion recovery, toll-free, at 1-866-482-5433. Someone is there to listen to you at every hour of every day.
Remember, you are not alone! Many others have experienced abortion and pregnancy-related injustices harm and heartbreak. Many others care about you and hope, help and healing are possible.
It may be a long journey. Or, if you find the right help, you may find substantial help and healing in as little as a single weekend program.
But most important of all, please stay the course. Don’t lose hope. Don’t give up. Persevere until you find the kind of help that works for you. There is so much help available. There is no reason for you to continue to feel trapped by by your past or unrelenting grief. Experienced, trained healers, most of whom have been exactly where you are today, are ready to help you.
So please keep reading on this page, or click on the links below for additional resources and information.
If you are pregnant, visit our pregnancy help page.
If you are being coerced or forced to abort by your parents, partner or someone else, you can find legal resources and help at The Center Against Forced Abortion.
To find a program near you, you can use this link to go straight to a list of healing programs, links, phone numbers
To share this information with someone you know, please look at our Help & Healing Booklet. To learn more about what you can do to help them, read How to Help Others Booklet.
Tips
You are not alone: a message from someone who’s been there
If you are in emotional or spiritual pain after abortion, there are resources and options available to you in your journey to renewed emotional and spiritual well-being.
You are not alone in what you have been feeling, and you don’t need to be alone and isolated as you recover. As you reach out for assistance, you will discover a community of compassionate, experienced men and women who will be able to offer skillful and significant help.
My prayers and encouragement are with you as you walk on this path of recovery. Others, including me, have walked it before you. We know that what once seemed impossible peace, forgiveness, restoration to a sense of wholeness, is indeed possible. However deep your trauma and your sense of pain and emotional turmoil, I encourage you to look forward to recovery with renewed hope and confidence. —Leslie Graves
There is hope: finding the right people and resources for you
If you are suffering after abortion, you may feel very alone. You may have experienced abortion many years ago and never told anyone. You may be struggling with a more recent abortion. You may have been denied the choice you wanted or the support you needed. Women’s experiences vary widely. For some, it was a decision they made and later came to regret; for most, it involved some for of coercion. For still others, it was forced by those in positions of authority or power. Regardless of the circumstances, healing is possible.
As you investigate the resources listed here, keep in mind that not every program is a good fit for every person. Please keep trying until you find a person or group where you are truly safe, comfortable and welcome. Bear in mind that any time you reflect back on a painful time in your life, you will most likely feel worse before you feel better, because you will be thinking and feeling more on a daily basis about what happened. That’s normal, and it’s one reason why support is so helpful on your journey.
However, some people may try a particular resource, and continue to be in a lot of pain, experience flashbacks and intrusive thoughts, or have behaviors that they dislike and want to stop but which are continuing. If that happens, you may be tempted to say, “It must be me, and I can never expect to truly experience peace and joy again. Because of what happened, I will always have to struggle with destructive thoughts and unhealthy behaviors.” Don’t give up!
Please Keep Trying!
Many, many people have experienced complete healing of their post-abortion symptoms through one of these programs. You might want to read What does recovery feel like? if you are wondering whether more healing and recovery might be possible for you.
Types of Programs
Many options are available
When seeking support and healing for post-abortion trauma, one basic choice is between group support or one-on-one counseling.
If you’re not sure whether a group setting or an individual setting is a better fit for you at this time, go to Is group support the right choice? for a collection of comments about that, and Is one-on-one counseling for you? for comments about that.
Another choice is between in-person support (attending a weekend retreat, working with a therapist, a clergyperson or a peer counselor, or going to a weekly group) or online support (online chats, internet message boards, e-mail groups). Several organizations offer a combination of email or internet-based group support and in-person support.
See In-person or online support? for reflections on these options.
Another choice is between programs with a spiritual component and those without. Spiritual beliefs are personal and are often tied-in with how we look at abortion in general and our own experience with abortion in particular. It is not uncommon to feel that we are unacceptable to God if we have had an abortion, or to feel that abortion is “the unforgivable sin.” That pain is indeed hard to bear, and it is one reason that many, but not all, post-abortion groups have a spiritual basis. I indicate information about that with each listing.
Basic Expectations When Choosing a Group.
What you have a right to expect from a therapist or group
1. Confidentiality. Your confidentiality and privacy should be strictly respected at all times, unless you are threatening harm to yourself or others. Also, no one should share the details of your story–even if no one would recognize that it is about you–with others without your explicit permission.
2. No pressure to “tell your story.” Because of wanting to reach out to those who still suffer, many people who have experienced post-abortion trauma do share their story with friends or in public. This is a very personal decision, with many, many factors that you will need to consider. If you indicate an interest in raising awareness through sharing your story, a good support group will encourage you to carefully discern what is truly best for you, and to take plenty of time in making this decision.
3. Prompt response. If you e-mail an organization, you should expect a response within 48 hours. If you call a hotline or therapist and get voicemail, you should get detailed information about when you can speak to someone in person. If you leave a message, you should get a call back within 48 hours.
4. No political component. The program should not include any political component at all. Because pro-life organizations such as the Catholic Church were inclined to believe that post-abortion syndrome exists, pro-life groups were and are very important in supporting post-abortion research and healing. By contrast, some pro-choice activists can feel threatened by the idea that abortion can hurt a woman emotionally or spiritually, and react in damaging and defensive ways to your pain. Bottom line: You may find help from a source you did not expect, but you should probably steer clear of any therapist, clergyperson or healing program that in any way will use or minimize your pain or vulnerability or tells you that you have to be pro-life or pro-choice to receive help or to heal.
5. Respect and professionalism. The program and the individuals involved with it should be nonjudgmental, respectful, and knowledgeable.
6. Avoid “quick fixes” and “spiritual band-aids.” See this article for more information: www.nacronline.com/dox/library/daler/quick.shtml
Be Wise When Seeking Wisdom
Advice from experts in post-abortion healing
Here are some important tips on healing after an abortion from Theresa Burke, PhD, founder of Rachel’s Vineyard from Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion:
“Post-abortion healing is a specialty unto itself. The average psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker or counselor of any other academic stripe who does not understand post-abortion issues can often inflict more harm than good on the unsuspecting woman. Many may believe they have enough insight to help, but unless they have had additional training, they often don’t. Certainly, if your thoughts and feelings become so overwhelming that you feel you can no longer cope, seek professional assistance immediately. But generally, I encourage you to take the time to find one of the growing number of professional therapists and experienced lay counselors who have received special training in post-abortion healing.”
Here is a longer excerpt from the book Forbidden Grief that is another word to the wise as you think about seeking help with any post-abortion issues you may be experiencing:
The interaction between therapists and women who have experienced abortion is obstructed by unspoken secrets, fears and political biases. It should be no surprise that because of their own psychological needs, many counselors simply don’t want to delve into the subject of abortion. If they do, some prefer to quickly reassure clients that they did the best thing and thereby close off any further expressions of grief. This occurs because many counselors have neglected to identify their own fears and anxieties that might be aroused by such conversations.
Many therapists have been involved in an abortion themselves. Others have encouraged clients to abort or have given their therapeutic ‘blessing’ to the abortion option for clients considering abortion. This is often done out of ignorance of the research that shows that women with prior psychological problems fare poorly after abortion…While some therapists may simply be ignorant of these undisputed findings, others simply ignore or disbelieve them for their own psychological or political reasons.
Once a counselor has encouraged or approved of an abortion for Patient A, he may become ‘invested’ in defending abortion. If he subsequently allows Patient B to delve into her post-abortion grief and associated pathologies, then the counselor may be forced to question his advice to Patient A. He may be instinctively wary of witnessing an intense post-abortion reaction because it may provoke his own sense of guilt in having given Patient A bad advice.
Julianne described her experience with her therapist this way:
After my abortion, I could not stop crying. I went to see the therapist who had encouraged me to have the abortion. I cried the whole time there. She sat across from me with a blank look on her face. She said nothing. During this session she was removed and distant-emotionally cold and withdrawn.
As I was leaving her office, she came up to me and said, “I don’t usually touch my patients, but you look like you need a hug.” She then proceeded to embrace my shoulders and offer a squeeze. I felt like I was being embraced by an evil presence. I shuddered at her touch. How dare she even come near me! A hug! I was sickened at the thought of such a trite expression-after having encouraged me to kill my own child!
Never a word of support for my motherhood! Not an alternative plan, or a resource to help me. She knew I didn’t want another abortion. She told me to have a —— abortion because I would not be able to handle another baby.
Then she offered me a hug!
God, I miss my baby. That’s who I wanted to hug…my baby who is gone, whom I will never hold or cuddle.
If the therapist has personally had an abortion, a client’s confession of grief is quite likely to run into either a wall of denial or another quagmire of unsettled issues.
According to another of my clients, Hanna:
I thought I had put my own experiences behind me. I was totally unprepared for the onset of emotions evoked by hearing one of my clients talk about her abortion. There are times when I feel as though I have opened a Pandora’s box and my life will never be normal again. Memories I did not know existed have been surfacing at the most inopportune times. My sleeping hours are plagued by graphic nightmares. I vacillate between feeling in control and fully out of control. As a professional counselor, I struggle to find a bridge that will allow me to merge my professional expertise with my personal trauma. “Physician, heal thyself!” I do know that the time to reconcile this is now and that it is no accident. I have arrived at this particular fork in the road.
Fortunately, Hanna recognized her own symptoms that screamed for attention and decided to seek help. She was willing to deal with the trauma that she had for many years successfully pushed away but had never truly worked through.
(The above excerpt is from pages 60-61 of Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion, by Theresa Burke, Ph.D with David Reardon, Ph.D.)
Is Group Support Right for You?
Some things to consider
“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it.” -Helen Keller
“Mutual help groups are a powerful and constructive means for people to help themselves and each other. The basic dignity of each human being is expressed in his or her capacity to be involved in a reciprocal helping exchange. Out of this compassion comes cooperation. From this cooperation comes community.” – Phyllis Silverman, PhD, Dept of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School, from Introduction to the Self-Help Sourcebook, 1995, p. 24
Research indicates that self-help groups can have a powerfully positive impact on us. In post-abortion healing, this would be found at a weekend retreat, a weekly bible study or recovery group, in a structured online group or in a more free-wheeling e-group.
Yet, entering into a group can be scary. Imagine going to a first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and saying for the first time outside the privacy of your own mind, “I am an alcoholic.” Or even just going to the first practice of a sports team at your new high school, or any other new group setting.
It’s common to have many anxieties and fears about attending a weekend retreat or group support meetings. “Will my confidentiality truly be respected?” “Even if people didn’t say anything harsh, will I witness fleeting facial expressions of condemnation and judgment, and experience even more shame?” “What if I start crying and can’t stop?” “Will I be the only one there with multiple abortions?” The people who coordinate your particular support group probably experienced the very same fears at one point, and will be able to talk about them with you.
Besides abortion, you may have had other experiences in your life that cause you to experience other people as damaging and untrustworthy. Meeting others in groups is a chance to experience people who are safe and trustworthy. If you have had bad experiences with people, it can feel risky. The rewards can be as great as the risk.
Click here for a website with many quotes about the advantages of mutual self-help groups.
Jilly, who offers online support through her own PASS website, wrote this about the value of group support:
I run one every three months, and it is a ‘private’ board on the message board system, so the group meeting for the experience has a private board and private chat room. It seems that of the women who start, usually about 30 percent end up dropping out…either they find they aren’t ready for it yet, or real life things come round and take up their spare time and they don’t have the time to do itt—;but for those who stay in, it seems to be a very binding and healing experience. The women who do the group tend to ‘stick together’ on the main boards afterwards, and end up becoming ‘phone friends’ and even get together in real life now and then.. It seems to be a very good way for women to start healing.
Theresa Burke of Rachel’s Vineyard (www.rachelsvineyard.org) shares her thoughts on the value of a group support experience in Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion:
The profound healing that Michelle experienced was new to her, but not to me. I have been privileged to witness literally thousands of such transforming moments, when the labor of grief ends in the birth of a new, restored woman. It as though an emotional key turns, simultaneously releasing all the muck and grime and weight of past abortions while opening a door to a fresh new future…Tears of sorrow are mixed with tears of joy as women and men experience their first taste of freedom after years of cruel bondage.
But such healing can only happen when the isolation and secrecy are dismantled, and one’s story is revealed to others who do not seek to judge or condemn. Only then is it finally possible, with the support of a small community of others who compassionately affirm the loss and respect the grief, to grieve one’s losses to their fullness. The importance of social support to the grief process reflects an important aspect of our human nature. Though we are individuals, we are inescapably social beings. The lack of social support will degrade or destroy our well-being. Conversely, the experience of social support, in even a single relationship, can strengthen our well-being.
For most of us, it is only when we have the support of others who will not judge or condemn us that we feel safe from social rejection. This support makes it easier for us to confront and explore the deepest part of our souls. With it, one learns how to accept forgiveness from God and one’s aborted child. With it, one learns how to extend forgiveness to oneself and others. And with it, one discovers how the most difficult, soul-breaking experiences imaginable can be used as the foundation for building a richer, deeper, and more meaningful existence.
From p. 246 of Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion
Is one-on-one help best for you?
Considering what’s right for you in your journey
One-on-one support and therapy as you begin to heal from post-abortion trauma could come in several forms. You could seek help:
- from a mental health professional (a psychiatrist, psychotherapist, social worker, or other mental health clinician).
- from a clergyperson
- from a peer-counselor who will most likely use a recovery approach such as “Forgiven and Set Free”, “My Guilt, Grief and Shame are Ending Soon,” the PACE program or “Her Choice to Heal”, and meet with you one-on-one for a period of weeks at a time convenient to both of you. (Generally, these sessions will be free or have a very low cost.)
- Individual email counseling through a number of different online sites that offer it.
Advantages of one-on-one counseling include:
- Flexible scheduling
- Ability to tailor sessions to your particular issues
- Privacy
Here is an excerpt from a comment made by someone who participated in one-on-one sessions with a peer counselor from Victims of Choice:
My 10 counseling sessions have ended with my lay counselor from Victims Of Choice (VOC), and I wanted to write and thank you for this life changing experience.
I learned of the VOC Ministry when you led a workshop at our church. I attended it because I was curious about a ministry dealing with men and women who have had abortions. Although I considered myself a committed Christian and had known the Lord for 15 years, I evaded the issue with Him that I too had had an abortion 25 years ago. I knew abortion was wrong and for years I had conditioned myself not to think about it. I told no one about my abortion – struggling to stay in denial even to myself.
The abortion experience itself is very traumatic for a woman to endure. I learned that years of sleepless nights and other phobias were directly related to my abortion. My low self-esteem was mostly due to the tremendous guilt…hidden deep in my heart so no one could see what an awful thing I had done.
But our wonderful God loved me too much to allow me to be in bondage to this buried sin. I clung to Isaiah 50:7 that says the Lord God will help us. I would set my face like a flint and ask Him to help me get over being so ashamed.
After the workshop, I contacted VOC and made an appointment with a lay counselor. I really appreciated the discreet way in which I was treated. This very special person helped me to feel God’s cleansing, healing and forgiving love!”
Here is a web ink that offers advice on finding a compatible therapist: www.nacronline.com/dox/gethelp/therapy.shtmll
In-person or online support?
In-person support for post-abortion healing would either be on a weekend retreat, one-on-one counseling with a therapist, clergyperson or lay facilitator, or a weekly support group.
On-line support would be through a message board, e-group, online recovery group, scheduled or spontaneous online chats, or email.
If you’re reading this, you’re already experiencing one of the many benefits of the internet: Quick, fast, information on a targeted subject of interest to you, entirely at your own convenience, and with complete anonymity.
Ever since the Internet came along, people have wondered how “the online experience” stacks up against face-to-face experiences. Therapists wonder whether online therapy can be effective, Catholics wonder what it means to pray before the Blessed Sacrament that is displayed on a webpage, young lovers wonder if it is “real” love if you only know the person online.
I would guess that for most people, as they journey toward healing, face-to-face contact will end up being very important at some point. Online support, however, has great strengths. For most people, it is not an either/or choice (either in-person or online support) but a both/and choice (both in-person and online support).
Jilly from the PASS website notes that participants on those message boards have shared these perspectives on the online experience:
- Convenience – the ease of being able to ‘communicate’ and discuss this on their computer, in the privacy of their own home, at times that are convenient for them.
- Privacy – the anonymity of using a computer and not having to talk face to face right away about what was and is for some a totally upsetting and incredibly painful issue.
- Safety – they like not having to use their real name, and be private.
- Ease – Also for many women it is easier to type things then to write them, especially when it comes to this issue!
I think there’s still much to be gained from an in-person hug, and an in-person group, but if there isn’t one in a woman’s area, or she is not ready for the step of going out into ‘public’ with this, an online group is invaluable! My online groups have had women from the US, Canada, Mexico, Australia, England, Ireland, Sweden, Italy, Soviet Georgia, France and Germany in them – this just wouldn’t be possible with an in-person group!
Click here to jump to a list of groups and post-abortion healing resources that you can access online.
What does recovery feel like?
You will reach a turning point
Almost anyone who has had a lot of recovery and healing from traumatic experiences and loss will tell you that you never stop healing this side of Heaven. Yet, for many people a turning point comes when they can say, “I am not in that black hole any longer.” It’s like falling in love…when it happens, you’ll know.
Please keep trying!
Until you find a compassionate therapist or program that works for you
If you have tried a particular therapist or support group, and you still regularly experience one or more of these symptoms in relation to abortion:
- Flashbacks or nightmares
- Compulsive thoughts and feelings that started after the abortion
- Suicidal thoughts or feelings
- Depression or anxiety
- Lack of attachment to your children
- Self-hatred
- Shame
- Social isolation
- Relationship difficulties
- Compulsive or addictive behaviors that started after abortion
Then I would urge you to try a different program or therapist. As they say in 12-step programs, “You’re not a failure until you fail to try.” Here’s a link to a good article on reaching out for help.
Here are more articles related to healing.
Resources
Organizations, resources, and links
Please note: The services offered by help/healing groups are confidential and, in many cases, free. Inclusion in this list should not be taken as an endorsement of any group’s programs or philosophy.
Use your best judgment and discretion as you investigate these links. If you are experiencing shame or guilt because of abortion, and have a negative experience with a particular group, you may believe that is what you deserve. It isn’t. What you deserve is respect, a nonjudgmental attitude, and effective assistance as you heal. If one person or organization isn’t right for you, another one will be.
Abortion Recovery Network
National hotline at 657-464-7071
A network of ministries that provides information and counseling for those suffering after abortion. Their web site helps locate post-abortion ministries both in the U.S. and internationally. Also provides help to men, family members, medical personnel and those in prison who have been affected by abortion.
Lumina: Hope and Healing After Abortion
National toll-free hotline at 1-877-586-4621 or email lumina@postabortionhelp.org
A post-abortion referral network that offers group programs, retreats for women and men, referrals to professional therapists, post-abortion ministries, and clergy members trained in post abortion stress. A network of women and men who have walked through the pain of abortion are also ready to accompany you through the darkness, into the joy of a renewed life.
National Helpline for Abortion Recovery
National toll-free hotline at 1-866-482-LIFE (1-866-482-5433)
24 / 7 confidential care helpline for women, men and families struggling after abortion. Calls are answered by trained phone consultants who have themselves experienced abortion and want to help others find healing. They can help you find the support group nearest you. A directory of local support groups, searchable by zip code, is available on the organization’s web site.
Rachel’s Vineyard Ministries
National toll-free hotline at 1-877-HOPE-4-ME (1-877-467-3463)
Email support
Ask an expert about healing / online Q&A
Rachel’s Vineyard weekends for healing after abortion are offered throughout the year in locations across the United States and Canada, with additional sites around the world. Retreats are open to married couples, mothers, fathers, grandparents and siblings of aborted children, as well as persons who have been involved in the abortion industry. They also offer support through email.
Rachel’s Vineyard has a monthly e-newsletter, “Vine and Branches,” which is archived on their website and available on request. It has various aftercare resources including an email newsletter called “Oaktrees,” and offers individual email support through the website.
Rachel’s Vineyard has had an annual national Leadership Conference since 2000 and also offers one-day clinical trainings throughout the country. It hosts a very active e-group for mental health professionals and laypeople who serve on retreat teams, or are planning to offer the retreat.
Ramah International
Sydna Masse, Director; phone (941) 473-2188.
This Christian group supports post-ab ortion ministry through training programs, resources, research and promoting awareness of post-abortion issues. Director Sydna Masse is the author of the recovery book, “Her Choice to Heal”. Sydna has also created a leader’s guide so that “Her Choice to Heal” can be used as the basis for in-person weekly recovery groups.
Ramah International has a newsletter, various additional resources, and can be used as a point of referral to weekly recovery groups around the country. You can also find e-mail support through the Ramah website.
Support After Abortion
National toll-free hotline: 1-844-289-4673
Support After Abortion offers a hotline, online virtual support groups, training videos, a blog, newsletter and a referral network.
Project Rachel / EsperanzaPosaborto.org (Spanish site)
National toll-free hotline at 1-888-456-4673 help@supportafterabortion.com
Project Rachel Ministry is the Catholic Church’s diocesan-based ministry to those suffering in the aftermath of abortion. Confidential and non-judgmental help is available for all who seek God’s mercy, healing and love.
Local Pregnancy Center Based Support Groups
Some Pregnancy Resource Centers (PRCs) and Crisis Pregnancy Centers (CPCs) host post-abortion support groups. These groups typically meet weekly for a period of anywhere from 8 to 16 weeks, and use a variety of recovery guides, including “Forgiven and Set Free”, “Her Choice to Heal”, PACE (Post-Abortion Counseling and Education), the Rachel’s Vineyard weekly support model, or the “My Guilt, Grief and Shame are Ending Soon” program.
To find out if there is a PRC or CPC offering post-abortion help in your area, check with the following groups:
Option Line
1-800-712-HELP (4357) or text HELPLINE to 313131
www.optionline.org
Live Chat with the Helpline
Healing After
www.healingafter.com
Canadian Organizations Offering Post-Abortion Counseling
Canadian Association of Pregnancy Support Services
1-866-845-2151 (MST)
Online directory of pregnancy centers that offer counseling and support for those who have had abortions.
Project Rachel Affiliates in Canada
Provides support with trained clergy and counselors, retreats and support groups.
Rachel’s Vineyard Ministries
Rachel’s Vineyard weekends for healing after abortion are offered throughout the year in locations across the United States and Canada, with additional sites around the world. Retreats are open to married couples, mothers, fathers, grandparents and siblings of aborted children, as well as persons who have been involved in the abortion industry. They also offer support through email.
Groups Offering Online Support
Abortion Changes You
A website giving women, men, family members and others involved in abortion a safe place to share their experiences in a confidential and neutral environment. Includes articles, information and resources on coping with abortion and resolving the experience, along with links to local support and counseling groups.
Rachel’s Vineyard
Rachel’s Vineyard has numerous volunteers who can answer any questions you may have through confidential e-mail. Some have experienced abortion and healing, others are counselors trained in post-abortion healing or women who run retreat teams.
Kala’s Group
An online community with an intimate feel. Kala’s Group hosts message boards, and scheduled chats. It also has a memorials page.
My Healing Choice
A free online course and workbook for post-abortion healing. There is one version for women and a second version for men.
Surrendering the Secret
Free online resources for post-abortion healing from the Life Impact Network.
Lifecall: Getting the Help You Need
Informative webpage by Teri Reisser, author of “A Solitary Sorrow,” a self-help book and Bible study for healing after abortion. This page includes streaming audio presentations.
Independent Email Support Groups at Yahoo Groups
In addition to e-groups sponsored through some of the sites listed above, there are a number of independent post-abortion e-groups, most of just people wanting to offer support to each other. It is free and easy to create an e-group through Yahoo Groups. Anyone with an email address can do it. Here’s a link that takes you to the Yahoo index for these groups. Note that we have not vetted any of these groups, so you will need to check them out to see if they are helpful.
Note: This is not a comprehensive list. While we try to keep this list updated, omissions and errors may occur. Send additions and corrections to elliotinstitute@gmail.com
226 thoughts on “Tips and Resources for Healing After an Abortion”
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Great to read
Abortion is not an option….you will live to regret it
I had an abortion 4years back I feel like I’ve never moved on that my decision doomed the rest of my life n after life I feel like most evil and selfish person that no amount of good deed can out do what I did I feel a need for a guy who made me do it to tell me why he honestly made me do it n how he feels I feel like im the only one punished and his fine we’ve never been in contact after I’ve literally hiden myself from existing it hard to find me I started a new life but I feel stuck in the past
Dear Shannel,
I want to apologize for not answering you much earlier! We had a lapse in our system for notifying us when comments like yours are posted. I’m trying to get it fixed so it won’t happen again.
I see you sent your comment from our page on tips and resources for finding free post-abortion recovery help. Did you contact one or more of the charities listed? Have you found any help yet?
I had two abortions because of hypermesis gravidarum and I STILL feel guilt even though I’m almost 64. Thank goodness had support my 1st pregnancy and have a 41 year old son. Perhaps the guilt I still feel is because I’m Mormon.
Dear Joan,
I want to apologize for not answering you much earlier! We had a lapse in our system for notifying us when comments like yours are posted.
I pray you are doing well. You are not alone in feeling guilt, so I certainly don’t think it is due solely to your religious background.
If you have not yet done so, please check out our page on tips and resources for finding free post-abortion recovery help.
I had a second abortion a year and a half after my first one. The first abortion I went through a lot of triggered emotions if that’s what I can call them. I couldn’t control my emotions but I didn’t regret my decision.my second one, my boyfriend didn’t want me to abort the baby because he really wanted to keep the baby. But I’m still studying and he is working. I feel like he has triggered emotions all directed at me. He says he doesn’t blame me and understood why I chose to abort, but when he becomes emotional, all the understanding gets thrown out the window and I’m the bad guy. And then he tells me not to contact me then the next day he is okay. I love him but I’m at a place now, wondering if maybe it’s best I give him space to grieve with me out the picture because it’s tiring being the punching bag for his emotions. I can’t even have time to grieve because I’m nursing his emotions. I’m trying to make sure that he is okay and is healing. I have totally neglected my emotions and what I have just gone through and so now, I can feel like I’m about to pop. All my thoughts and emotions I have put at the back of my mind and are just coming out slowly but surely. I can feel it on some days.
What should I do in terms of the relationship? For those that have had their relationships affected by the choice to abort.
Dear Zulu,
I want to apologize for not answering you much earlier! We had a lapse in our system for notifying us when comments like yours are posted. We’re trying to get it fixed.
Regarding the situation with your boyfriend. You are truly in a difficult position. I wish I could offer clearer advice, but it is an understatement to say that the interplay between his and your emotions is very complicated. You are right that he needs to work through his grief. And you’re right that you shouldn’t be the dumping ground for all his hurt, pain, and anger, while at the same time it is good and right of you to try to support him through the grief process. On top of that, you have your own processing to do and it’s not helpful to have his swinging and raw emotions thrown into your own mix of emotions.
My best advice to you would be for the two of you to attend a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat weekend together. That would provide you with a specific time and place, with the help of experienced counselors, to make some progress together. At the very least, going through the weekend together would give you both insights regarding whether or not you can restore and strengthen your relationship or whether you need to have distance to heal separately.
You are both in my prayers.
Thank you so much for advising me. I have been looking for such retreats that deal with such topics for couples.
God bless:-)
My boyfriend and I met and live in Dubai. We are obviously not married and about 3 months ago I found out i was pregnant. Now, it’s illegal to have children out of wedlock in the UAE or any country in the Middle East. I took a pregnancy test at home after feeling some mourning sickness. I couldn’t go to the doctor to verify the pregnancy and see how far along I was as we would both get deported. I was so scared to tell him that i’m pregnant (i don’t know why as it’s both our doing) but eventually found the courage to tell him over text. His first reaction was to terminate the pregnancy, this really hurt me because he didn’t even ask me what i wanted to do. I mean, i understand where he was coming from, we would both have to pack up and go back to South Africa- jobless, no medical insurance or anything and we’d literally be having to start over. I delayed booking my flight home to go and get the abortion done, eventually booked it for the end of the month- which was 3 weeks away. I suffered the most terrible morning sickness, literally could not get out of bed as every smell just made me gag. As soon as i woke up i would be right at it. To be honest, all that suffering made me change my mind about aborting the baby. i didn’t know how far along i was but as the weeks went by my belly actually started getting bigger.
I even found myself trying to calculate how far along i could be and googling “how my baby looks at 6 weeks”. I felt a real bond with my baby, had given her a name (and gender lol) and everything. I was ready to leave Dubai and raise my baby with or without my boyfriend. I prayed daily for God to give me direction. I got to South Africa and as I landed went straight to the clinic to go see my baby. The nurse told me i was 13 weeks pregnant, i couldn’t believe it. A piece of me inside was happy because I was definitely keeping it, but a piece me of damn scared to tell my parents. the nurse did the scan again and called the head matron to verify– they confirmed i’m in fact only 7 weeks 6 days. I felt more confident that thats the correct amount of weeks i could be pregnant- i told them I would sleep on it and come back tomorrow. Well to cut a really long debate in my head short, I ended up terminating the pregnancy. I would’ve been 16 weeks by now and having trouble getting over it.
Hope, I am so sorry. I can only imagine how you are feeling right now, especially as all this has only just happened. It sounds like you were very ambivalent about getting the abortion and I’m so sorry that you felt like this was the choice that you had to make.
Even if you are struggling, please know that hope and healing are possible. Since you are visiting this page I hope you’ve read about the need for support and healing after abortion. I don’t know what your relationships are like, or if you have anyone where you are with whom you are able to talk and who will listen to you, give you a chance to acknowledge and grieve this experience and the loss of your child, and give you the support you need.
If you are still in South Africa, there is a Rachel’s Vineyard chapter in your country. Rachel’s Vineyard is an international organization that offers healing programs and support for women and men struggling after an abortion. Their web site includes a number that you can call to talk with someone confidentially about your situation. I know that they would be glad to speak with you! They won’t judge but are there to listen, help and offer support. If you aren’t ready to talk to someone directly, or don’t have a chapter in your area, you can also get support through email from Rachel’s Vineyard international headquarters. You can also visit their site to find out more about healing, read stories from other women who have been there and ask questions. Please don’t feel like you have to go through this on your own, and reach out for help.
Thanks for the reply Amy. I am currently back in Dubai, do you know any such groups here?
Hello Hope, I’m not sure, but I will do some checking for you and see if I can find someone. I’d also really encourage you to send an email to Rachel’s Vineyard at the link in my last post. They may be able to put you in touch with someone locally, and if not, should at least be able to provide some counseling and support through email (I’m not a counselor myself, but am happy to try and track down information for you to put you in contact with the right people). I’ll get back with you and let you know.
Hi, my name is Kimberly. I recently had an abortion. I got that sense of relief they talk about immediately after, but now not so much. I really could use prayers, please.
Hi Kimberly. It is not uncommon for negative feelings to emerge after a period of initial relief. Please read the page on tips for finding a post-abortion recovery program that may be best for you. At the bottom of the same page are hotline numbers and websites. It may really do yo a lot of good to just call a hotline and have someone to talk to for a bit.
You are indeed in our prayers. Don’t hesitate to write again.
How are you doing? Did you see what we previously emailed to you? Is there anything more we can do for you?
Dear Mat,
You are definitely in my prayers. I understand how abortion can look like the only way. On a logical level, it will often look like the best thing to do to solve, or at least avoid, immediate problems. But price down the road is just not worth it. The fact that you are asking for prayers is proof that you already sense in your heart that abortion is just temptation for a quick fix that will haunt you forever.
Please read about the risk factors that identify the women at greatest risk of the most severe post-abortion reactions. Even from your short email, I can tell that you fit into multiple high risk categories.
Then read some of the testimonies of women who have shared their own experiences precisely to help women like you avoid making the same mistake that they would give anything to reverse.
There are so many people and resources out there to help you. If your family and friends aren’t stepping up to help, this is the time to find new friends and companions who will.
If you like, you can call or email us and we will help put you in touch with a pregnancy help center that can help you.
Would you be interested in hearing from other women who have been through what you are facing? We can send out an email inviting people to respond on this page to your email with words of encouragement and offers for help.
I had an abortion 2 years ago but it still haunts me like it was just yesterday. I feel bad always i cry myself to sleep most times..its awful….At that time it seemed like the right thing to do but looking back i wish i could have kept my child and given birth despite the pressures of my final Uni year….I will never get over this its the worst pain ever…makes me wanna die i cant seem to forgive myself
Hello QueenBee, I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain you are experiencing. Please know that you are not alone and that no matter how dark things might seem right now, it is possible to get to a better place and find healing. I hope you will contact one of the groups on this page for help. I promise that they will be there to listen, talk to you and help you work through your grief and pain. If you aren’t ready to make a phone call yet, you can visit the Rachel’s Vineyard site to ask questions and read stories of women who have been through a post-abortion healing program, or contact them by email for support. You can also find help through text (text HELPLINE to 313131) or Live Chat from OptionLine. (If you are outside the US, send me an email at elliotinstitute@gmail.com and I’ll try to put you in touch with someone in your area who can help).
I know that right now things may seem very dark for you. Maybe you feel like you will never get past your pain, and you say you feel like you can’t forgive yourself. But please don’t give up. I know that you will always carry the memory of your lost child in your heart, and that this will always be a grief to you. But the haunting pain of it can be eased, and with the right help you can reach a point in your life where the despair and weight of this won’t bury you. It sounds like you had no help and no one to support you when you aborted, but I know there are people who want to be there for you now. Please give them a chance by reaching out for help.
I’ll just end by including this link to a letter that expresses so much better what I want to say. It was written in response to someone else, but it applies to you too. Please reach out for help.
It’s been a year since my abortion. It would of been my first child. I’m begging GOD just to let me see how my baby would look. It’s like I don’t do anything anymore but sit inside do illegal drugs sit in dark and just cry. Please JESUS I just want my baby back so bad I’ll do anything. It hurt me everyday. I wish I never did that. Lady’s please don’t do it.
Please don’t give up hope. God is answering your prayer, right now. He is opening the door for you to reach out to women who have been where you are now who have found His healing, and even seen visions of their children in many cases. These women now work in post-abortion healing ministries to help others, like you, find healing too.
Please read our tips on finding a program that is right for you and call one of the hotline numbers on that page to speak to someone today.
Hey I’m Sharon. I had an abortion last year December at 18, reason being my boyfriend is a year older than me, we are not both working. Abortion might have been the solution at that time but right now I’m here, suffering. Well my boyfriend never really supported me, he may have said all the “I’m with you baby” kind of phrases but he was never there for me, in fact he made me feel like I’ve ruined his life in some way. I went through all those traumatic experiences of abortion all by myself and forgave him. January, this year I found out that he was cheating on me all this time…I forgave him again… My heart would have loved to love my own child you know but the timing was wrong, when I try to talk to my boyfriend about about how guilty I feel about the abortion he just excuses me and tells me that it was for the best… His problem is that he doesn’t know how I feel or what I’m going through. when I try to let him know of things that has been happening, nightmares, suicidal thoughts, he just dismisses me and tells me that it was an embryo, not yet a baby so I shouldn’t feel guilty. I don’t know if I still wanna be with him after all this….
Dear Sharon,
Obviously, I don’t know enough about your boyfriend to know whether or not you should stay with him. I do know enough from what you have written to know that you will help yourself (and perhaps come to clarity about him) if you were to start down the path of post-abortion recovery with women who understand where you are and what you are going through.
Please call a hot line and find a group where you can get help. Do it, within a week. Don’t put it off. Get started.
He can’t help you . . . at least not now. It could be that he has to keep dismissing your pain to protect himself from his own buried feelings of guilt and loss. Imagine. If he did open his heart to your loss, that would mean he would need to acknowledge the death of his own child, too, which means opening his heart to his own grief. It is not an easy thing for guys to open their hearts to the pain an abortion is causing their partner because doing so moves them in the direction of opening their hearts to their own loss.
Help yourself first. If you make progress in healing, it will give you clarity in knowing whether or not anything can or should be saved in your relationship with him. If you make progress, it might also help him to recognize that it’s not so scary facing this loss and grief, and you may even be there to help him . . . not only face his own part and his own loss in the abortion, but in repairing your relationship.
He can’t help you heal, right now. You need to take the first steps to doing that yourself.
You are in my prayers. Please let me know when you have found a program. Or if you have trouble finding one, let us know what city you live in so we can help.
I need help I’m in a deep dark place spiritually and emotionally. I am a mother of a amazing 3-year-old little boy. He us the light of my life. But here recently I have been having a hard time bonding with him because of the guilt of my abortion.
Me and my son’s father were in a very unhealthy and at times violent relationship. During thus time I met someone who I did not know very well but liked and connected with because we were both going through a separation with children involved. Through our grief we made a connection and became intimate. Within a few weeks of meeting I found out I was pregnant. We both grew up in a Christian home and knew abortion was wrong but we just couldn’t think of bringing another child into our disaster.
He reluctantly suggested abortion and after fighting with the option I too was so blinded by a fear that it clouded my judgment and I reluctantly agreed. He paid for it and took me and drove me home.
It took about a year for the grief to set in. And ever since it has been building and building. It’s been 3 years and I am suffering more from my choice than I ever have. Yesterday was Mother’s day and as much as I wanted to celebrate and be happy because I am a mother to an amazing 3-year little boy. I was in a deep depression most of the day. Spending my day in tears every time I had a moment alone. I spent his nap time on the kitchen floor crying out to God to give me healing. To help me forgive myself.
As much damage as it’s doing to me I am more concerned with how this will affect my son. Whether it’s now or years from now. All I want to do is protect him and be the best mother I can be. But the guilt is causing me to feel like I don’t deserve to bond with my son I have. He needs his mommy. I’m losing myself more and more. I do my best to hold it together for him. I still spend quality time with him and love on him. I say bedtime prayers and sing and laugh with him. But the joy is being robbed by the guilt little by little. He needs me and I need him. Please help. I’m drowning.
Dear Rachel,
I’m glad you found our page on finding a post-abortion healing program. Please follow through and call one or more hotlines until you find a program that is right for you.
Since you mentioned praying for healing, let me also recommend you read this essay on forgiveness after an abortion. Don’t give up hope. You are on the right path to healing and growth. And you are quite right to desire and pursue healing not only for yourself, but also so you can be the best mother you can be for your son.
If you are looking for more insights into your own experience and healing, you may also want to read Forbidden Grief: the Unspoken Pain of Abortion.
I understand how dark and heavy your grief feels right now. But never, ever give into despair. God will help you, and most especially through the love and compassion you will receive from other women who have been through the same thing and have found healing that they want to share with you, and which you will use to share you love with others, including your son.
It was a big mistake, but by God’s grace all that we suffer can be transformed into wisdom, strength, and new virtues.
Please call one of the hotlines today. And don’t hesitate to contact us again if you need more help.
You are in our prayers.
I had an abortion 4 years ago, I felt it was the right thing to do at the time I was at university and my then partner didn’t want a child either. I thought I was fine and I have never really dwelled on my decision.
My younger sister has just had a miscarriage and I feel an overwhelming sadness and can’t stop crying. I don’t know if I am just feeling sad for my sister or if I’m feeling guilty or if I’m regretting my decision or if I’m finally grieving after thinking about my decision 4 years ago.
Dear Kat,
It could well be a delayed grief reaction. It is not uncommon for such grief to be triggered by something like this. As you noted, it was something you could not think about for years, but it likely took some bit of unconscious energy to keep unresolved grief bottled up. Your sister’s miscarriage has made it harder to ignore the fact that you experienced a similar loss.
Don’t be afraid to cry and mourn. I strongly encourage you to use this as an opportunity to reach out and talk to a post-abortion healing counselor . . . if only to have understanding and support for the reasonableness of your sadness and the fact that you can and should now work through your grief process. Working through it now will help to eliminate the risk that unresolved issues will linger for another ten or twenty years and come out at other difficult times.
You can heal. I dare say, you will heal. But it will be faster and more complete if you have others to share it with who can also guide you through the process that they have also gone through. I know that Rachel’s Vineyard has programs in the UK. I am sure there must also be others.
Em, I don’t know if you’ve been visiting the site or seeing any of the responses posted here. I just want to let you know, if you are reading this, that we and many other people care about you and are praying for you. No matter what the outcome of your situation, or what has happened, please know that there are people who want to support you.
Even if we were too late to reach you and you kept your appointment, know that you are not alone. No matter what you are feeling, there is love, support and help for you. Any of the groups we’ve already mentioned would be glad to talk with you, offer caring and support and walk with you through whatever you are going through right now. A good place to start is with Option Line (http://optionline.org/), which has centers across the country — please get in touch with them! You can go to the site to live chat, call them at 1-800-712-4357 or text HELPLINE to 313131 (they offer both pregnancy and post-abortion counseling and support.
I also sent my cell phone number to email address you provided with your comment, so feel free to call me if you need someone just to talk with.
Hi Em,
I am writing from Australia and pray that you have decided to keep your baby and that you may love it as God and his beautiful Mother intended. Whatever your decision, please seek help and guidance from one of the many US organisations who deal with these problems on a daily basis. I know the Holy Family will look after you. You only have to ask.
Rion Q
Dear Em: no matter how bleak it seems right now, you are loved beyond your wildest imagination – by your heavenly Father God. He will see you through this. Even though this is the day after you might have had the abortion, I pray for you whether you kept your baby or not. You are precious as you are, no matter what you have done. I don’t even know you but I love you, no matter what. Mary
Dear Em,
There is nothing I can add that these wonderful people haven’t already said, except I am offering my special petitions to Our Savior who loves you and your children. You can find a way through Him. Please don’t go ahead with the abortion – your instincts are right and good, and from this suffering wonderful things can come about. Put yourself in His hands and don’t consider abortion.
Blessings on you and your two children.
Dear Em;
Consider adoption. Most adoptions are “open” now, where you and your 2 year old can stay involved in the life of your child. There is also support for women post adoption. The “on your feet” foundation is one organization which provides such support.
Try to listen to God and follow only God.
my love and prayers to you.
Dear Em, This is from the Philippines…I am not sure if my message arrived late. I prayed for you and the baby. I may sound silly, but really, miracles do happen for those who do the right thing. If you keep the baby, if you defend the baby, everything will eventually be fine. Please believe me.
If my message arrived late and you had an abortion, please do not lose hope. There are many pro-life counselors who are very willing to help you cope with the situation. But I really hope you did not get an abortion. God bless you and the baby.
Dear Em,
You are a brave girl, a child of God. a loving Mother I am
Dear Em,
You are a very brave girl to reach out for help. You are a loving Mother and plan to do the right thing. for your precious unborn baby and yourself. You are God’s child and He loves you so much It is a scary and emotional time for you, please seek some help and counselling. Put your trust in God and He will n ever leave you. I am praying for you. You are special in God’s eyes.
With Love.
Dorothy from Canada
Dearest Em,
Thank you for reaching out and having the courage to listen to your heart. I add my prayers to the many being said for you and your young son and unborn child. God loves you and if you pray to Him and trust in Him, He will help you find a way through all of this, if it be His will. Please say no to the abortion, once a child dies there is no going back, no reversal procedure. You will be depriving your son of his sibling and yourself of the incredible joy that only a mother can know.
With the greatest of sorrow and shame for my actions, I am responsible for the premeditated murder of my own child. I sought out an abortionist, picked time and place to have my very own child butchered within my very womb. So I know of what I speak. This was not an act of love but one of unspeakable evil. Being pregnant and giving birth was an inconvenience to the unspeakably selfish and callous person that I had become. I was the one who was responsible for the pregnancy by my actions. The child did not ask to be born. Please choose life for all three of you. In Jesus name, I beg God’s Mercy for all of you in your family especially your mom and the child’s father as Satan seems to have their hearts and I beg for your mercy on your unborn child.
Please choose life that only God can give.
Love and prayers,
Denise
Dear Em,
Please know that you are never alone. Many people are praying for you and your baby. You have the right to have this child and I know that there are people that can help you through this. Most important do not be afraid, God is with you and you are so loved!
I am praying, praying and praying…..
Peace of Christ be with you and may the guardian angels protect you,
Nancy B
Praying for you, Em, up here in Canada. How precious you are. I admire you so much for having the courage not to just quit but to reach out for help, any help out of the desire to do the right and good thing for your baby, for you and for the sake of doing right. You are right now surrounded by the holy angels, and the countless saints of heaven who are on your side, as is all of heaven, joined by your Brothers and Sisters here below who are cheering you on with their prayers and sacrifices. I am one just one of them.
Loving you, Em
Your Sister,
Sharon
Dear Em,
I have prayed for you and through the many prayers offered up for you, whatever happens, I know that without a doubt God will help you. Trust Him, your Creator and Maker and Saviour. He is a good, good Father!
With love,
Christine
Keep the baby. Lie if necessary. Saving a life (your child’s) is worth it. Any one who saves another’s life is a hero. Be a hero. Concerned about you all the way from China
Dear Em,
I am so proud of you for reaching out! Praying for your entire situation!
I too am post-abortive! I know what it is like to be in a situation where you make decisions that seems to spiral out of control. It has now been 16 years since my abortion. It has only been 1 1/2 years since I began the true healing process from the abortion. God designed us as women to nurture and care for a child. An abortion takes away that opportunity not only for you but the child as well. It is a decision that comes with a lifetime of regret. I often wonder how or who my child would be, had I not ended that pregnancy due to circumstances. The painful experience of abortion outweighs any positive decision in terms of regret! There are other oprtions for your child to remain with you or possible adoption. You have been given links in above comments to reach within your community. I volunteer council at ours. Please use this info and explore your options before making a decision based off impulse. You have an opportunity right now to truly make a positive decision for your child, then allow God to carry you through and look for what miracles he can perform through this situation that seems hopeless. There are always consequences to an action, positive or negative. You will be a better person for thinking of your baby over the temporary situation. Abortion is never the answer. It is a permanent decision that can’t be taken back once it takes place. Your situation is temporary and will absolutely work out in the long run! Prayers!!
Sending earnest prayers and fasting for you. DO NOT ABORT. Help is on the way. Be strong Mama, for yourself and for both kids. Seek local crisis pregnancy resources. THANK YOU for reaching out on here! Love you all!
Dearest Em,
I pray that you hear my words and take them to heart. First of all, you do NOT have to tell not one person whose baby you are carrying! It could be the guy down the road, that is noones business and you don’t have to share it, SO….I wouldn’t worry too much regarding that. Don’t allow the birth certificate to be signed. Seriously, you could say that you are not sure who the father is in this matter, just to save you trouble. PLEASE, DO NOT ABORT. I was forced into an abortion 25 years ago by my family and I have had to endure YEARS of pain, guilt, nightmares….etc. I was in my 2nd trimester, 14 weeks. Even at 6 weeks, your baby is amazingly developed. Please just pray for God to help you and I promise he will!! I have PTSD, anxiety/panic disorder and OCD that all stems back to that dreadful day 25 years ago. PLEASE KEEP YOUR BABY! No matter who is against you having this baby, GOD is not and you will find that there are millions of women on your side. The abortion does not get rid of a problem, it causes you to be a mother of a dead baby. I have felt no other pain as what I have with this. STAY STRONG, for yourself, your 2 year old and your new baby. GOD WILL DO THE REST FOR YOU AS LONG AS YOU CHOSE LIFE,
With lots of love,
Steph
Dear Em,
My heart goes out to you. I work with women who have had abortions so I have some idea of what you are going through. Yours is a difficult situation where nobody in your family supports you. I have contacted a number of local groups that are praying you will find a solution. In your note you said “I know I won’t be able to live with myself if I do this.” I believe this is an important point that should help you cancel the abortion and rely on the prayers being offered for you and your family that your situation will turn around for the best and you will be able to hold both of your beautiful children in your loving embrace. May our Lord Jesus and His Blessed Mother smile on you and your family and present that solution that you so desperately want.
It’s hard to trust that God will help you in the right way and at the right time, but He certainly will. Find a pregnancy center or supportive church who can help guide you and support you. God wants to bless you with this baby, please let Him.
Hi Em,
As a woman who has aborted and who regrets that decision every single day of my life, I urge you to never even step foot inside any facility that will abort your unborn child. As much as you love your two year old, that is how much you love your unborn child, even if you haven’t met them yet. Your unborn child is a sibling for your two year old! You have a child worth protecting inside of you! You can be a strong mother and I promise you any other concerns or fears are nothing compared to what will happen if you take the life of your own child! I know from experience and I wish I could take it back every day. I’m praying for you for strength and support! Much love to you.
Hello Em,
Not being physically able to give you a big hug, sit down with you and pray for you, your baby and your 2 year old, let me just say, I’m hugging you in my heart and praying that our most gracious God can make a way when there seemingly is no way! You did not make any mention of your beliefs or of God …so not sure if you get this, but if I were sitting right there with you, I’d share the truths of God’s word, the bible, with you and encourage you to seek Him and have faith that He is able to work out all things as we surrender to Him. For example, Mary, who was Jesus Christ’s (the Savior of all mankind) mother, was but a teen and her circumstances were seemingly impossible for the time she lived, and as she carried Jesus in her womb, being unwed and all. In the bible, the book of John we are told that with man what is impossible is possible with God, for those who believe and are His. This means when we go to God humbly, turn from our sins and ask Jesus to be our Lord, we then can have access to God, as He has given us the ability to be in a right relationship with Him, through Christ’s sacrifice. I have read so many of the wonderful responses to your letter, cry for help, and am encouraged by knowing you have many people praying for you now but it is up to you to respond and make some new and different decisions, than you have been making, so that your life can get on the track that leads you into the loving arms of Jesus and you can live out the plan and purpose God created you for. So much more I’d love to say to you but for now, I too pray for you and hope you can seek out someone who knows God and is a Christian and can help you find God’s will in your current circumstance and your life. The Lord Bless and Keep you!
So grateful that you have reached out for help. You are a brave and courageous woman. We can sense the despair and confusion that you are feeling.Would you please consider a free, confidential counseling with one of our peer counselors. Often times when we process a crisis with another person we are able to see the situation through a different lense. We are here to serve you. Please call us at 410-391-3911. We we are praying for you.
Dear Em, You do not have to decide right away. Give yourself time and follow your heart. Yes you will live with terrible regret over the abortion. I have worked in post abortion recovery for over 20 yrs. It is not worth the pain. There are folks out there to help you. Life is always the right choice. Your life, your 2 yr olds, your new baby! Do not listen to those who will prosper at your expense. You can do this, one step at a time, with God’s love, and He will provide!
Pat
Birthright and St Vincent De Paul are good alternatives. God Bless!
Dear Em,
We are praying for you. God loves you and your children. He will take care of you. He does not give us anything we can’t handle. He will help you turn this around by giving you more love. I pray that you will be able to say ‘yes’ to His love. Along with the Coalition for Life, Embrace Grace is another group that offers love and help to pregnant mothers in need of support. Maybe there is one in your area.
God bless!
God is good and full of compassion and mercy. Call on Him now. Invite Him into your situation. Right now! He will answer you. Wait on Him. I am standing with you, praying with you. Do not give up hope. Your instincts for life are right. Call 563-332-0475 and ask for Pam or Vicki. Courage!
Em, I like Sharon’s answer. If they ask you who the father is, just tell them, “I can’t tell you.” You are not required to testify against yourself. Leave the father’s name off the birth certificate. We all think that if we lie, then we disobey God’s commandment, “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.” But this is quite specific about it being AGAINST your neighbor. There are several places in the Bible where God REWARDED someone for lying to PROTECT a human life. When the Egyptians demanded that all newborn boys be killed, the midwives lied and said they were born too fast, and God rewarded them with households. When Rahab, the harlot, lied about Israeli spies hiding in her home, and then let them escape, so they would not be taken captive and harmed, God rewarded her and placed her in the lineage of Jesus. Telling them you don’t know who the father is would be the right thing to do. It is protecting your baby and your family. PRACTICE. You have plenty of time to do this. If your parents and the father think the baby is his, start telling them that you don’t know who the father is, even though it will make you look bad in their eyes. I will pray for you. It is a terrible situation, but God can do anything, and I pray that He will find a way for you to spare your baby’s life and keep your family together. I love you and your children because Jesus first loved me. Keep your baby safe!
I can vouch for the Texas Justice Foundation. So please contact them. They can do the legal things necessary to fight this vicious order for your probation.
Dear Em,
I have been praying for you and your baby. You are the object of my prayer: Jesus, Mary and Joseph I love you very much. I beg you to spare the life of the unborn baby that I have spiritually adopted and who is in danger of abortion.
Dear Em,
I know how hard this must be for you, but you will never regret having this baby no matter what the cost. You will regret you abortion, believe me, I’ve been there. I can never forget mine and it is so hard to heal. The good Lord will look out for you if you do the right thing, I promise you. It is inhuman to make you get an abortion to stay out of jail and you must find a good lawyer to help you if that is the case.
I will pray for you,
Caren
Dear Em. Trust in God even if you have messed up. Defend human life as no matter what, it is God’s child. God will defend you for it.
Dear Em,
You don’t have to do this. You have a choice, and there are many resources that will help you choose what you want to do — allow your baby to live. If you haven’t already done so, please contact Amy and/or the resources she and others have provided. And know that I’m praying for you — it’s a privilege to do so! Thank you so much for reaching out. May God continue to bless you,
Kelly
Dear Em, I join my prayers with many others for you. I am trusting God to make a way for you, your 2 yr old and your unborn child. You do not have to list the father or tell anyone who the father is. I urge you to cry out to Jesus! With love and prayers for you and your two children.
Listen to your heart keep your baby and God will reward you with a loving family
HiEm,
I am a former director of a crisis pregnancy center and a founder and leader of a post abortion ministry. I can tell you without a doubt that God is speaking to your heart regarding protecting the life of your unborn baby. I encourage you to
consider that ending your child’s life is an action that, once done, can never be reversed and which carries the weight of eternal consequences. Breaking the rules of probation, jail time, or even loss of custody of a child are temporary conditions that may or may not happen and which do not carry eternal consequences. When making your decision about aborting your child it is crucial for your own spiritual, emotional, mental and relational health to consider the eternal impact for yourself and your unborn child as well as for your relationships with God and your other child and your loved ones. I pray that God will send His Spirit and His angels to help you not only to make the very best decision but also to guide, direct, and provide for you after your decision is made. God bless you.
I see that many of the posters are praying for you regarding your decision and your complicated situation. I also am praying for you. I contacted the Divine Mercy Prayer Line and asked for prayers for you, your 2 y/o and of course your unborn baby and very urgent situation. I wanted you to know that you have an entire team of prayer warriors who are praying for you, your unborn child and your 2y/o right now and will continue to pray. Know that you are not alone, despite what you are experiencing now. Your prayer for help is not going unheeded. God hears you and nothing is impossible with God. Trusting God is the way to His many graces and the help you need now. Divine Mercy inspiring hope against all hope, I trust in You!
Dear Em,
You are not alone. Many of us care about you and the difficult situation you are in. Even though it looks bleak, there is help for you. You do NOT have to have an abortion tomorrow. You owe it to yourself and your baby to take the time to check out the options that others have shared in the above posts. Please do not rush into an abortion. An abortion is final and can’t be reversed once it is done.
When we do what we know in our heart is right, God helps us. He can do miracles that we can’t even dream of when we rely upon Him. Please listen to your heart, which is actually God speaking to you.
I am praying for you.
Karen
Dear Em, please keep your baby. You will never regret it. I am praying for you, your baby, your mom and dad and the baby’s father. There is help for you.
My dear sister in Christ! Please stand firm in knowing and believing that there is nothing our Lord can’t do for us. Jesus loves you and your children. The giants we face in our lives are but toy soldiers that have not seen the wingspan of the warrior angels our Lord God sends to protect and guide us. May the Lord Jesus Christ immerse you and your unborn child in his love.
Oh, dear Em, I am in tears right now thinking of your suffering. Believe me, there are SO MANY people out there who are ready to do everything for you. They’ll offer you a place to live; they’ll get you medical support; they’ll find a lawyer to help you with your legal problem.
Please, please, contact the people who have been recommended to you on this forum!
Praying for you!
Dear Em, God cares and there are people who will help you. Keep the precious life and seek a church that will help you. Don’t give in to people forcing you to take this little life.
You are not alone. I will pray for you today. L
Dear Em,
I hate to say this, but I worry that the baby’s father feels it would be best for HIM if you aborted. He may be trying to frame this as if it would be “best” for you, but I suspect that’s not really who he’s worried about. I can’t give any legal advice, but if I were in your situation, I would follow your initial instincts and just not put the father on the birth certificate. I think you – and your baby – will be fine.
I believe you were drawn to post to this board for a reason! Know that you are the only one right now who can protect your little one. There is no one else but you with that power. Someday, you’ll look back at this time and be SO grateful that you didn’t listen to the voices around you encouraging you to abort and instead listened to your heart.
I almost aborted my first son. I, like you, know that I could not have lived with myself if I had done that. My son is now nearly 38 years old and has two little ones of his own! At the time I was pregnant, his father also wanted me to abort. But, thank goodness I didn’t listen to him and instead followed my own heart. Another group I’d encourage you to contact is Birthright. It’s a wonderful group. They helped me immensely.
I’ll be praying for you. Hang in there.
Sharon
Oh, Em… no one is going to argue that you are in a very rough spot! Certainly am praying for you and your two God-given children. It is so obvious that you love them both, and fear losing them! What a great maternal instinct you have! So not let yourself be derailed.
In His love…
Em I will pray for you, your 2 yr old and your unborn child. I hope you find help and God will see you through what is to come. I was a single mother for 20 plus years and know the struggles. I am believing God will provide you with an answer, in the meantime I hope you find some comfort in knowing you are in others prayers and thought. God Bless and keep you.
Hello Em,
I am so sorry you feel caught in this trap and this crisis but you don’t want to replace one set of problems with another much worse one. You might not be able to look after your two year old if you are traumatised and suffer grief.
The real problem is not this pregnancy but other ongoing issues such as lack of proper love and support and so, overcome with loneliness and tiredness you have become involved with a man who has not been terribly thoughtful towards you.
This is not a way out, although you may feel it is. You are probably more resourceful and have more strength than you realise. You just need to release it. Protect yourself, don’t go to the clinic. What would you do if there were no clinics. Turn to people who truly have your interests at heart. A Church or pregnancy centre. I wish you well.
Em, go to Human Coalition online and they will find the help you need that is close by.
You are going to find good help. Love and prayer, Jo
I am praying for you. I understand being in a horrible situation. I also had all my support (my parents) telling me they wouldn’t help me if I kept the baby. I was 17 years old and this was in 1972. I have struggled for decades with depression, alcoholism, breast cancer scares. I lost 2 pregnancies and the two children I gave birth to were very low birth weight and I had complications. If I could go back in time, I’d never choose abortion. It has so interfered with my life. I know what you are going thru is hard, but the consequences of abortion are cruel and lasting. I promise I am on my knees praying for you right now.
Em, I am far away but praying that God will provide a way through this difficult time. You are sooo honest about your love for your 2 year old and now this baby… You know the truth that your Mom and the boyfriend don’t understand… I made the terrible decision to abort my little child years ago … You do not have to go to that appointment … God is there to help in ways you need. Love and prayers,
Jo
I’m in a terrible place right now, I don’t know if anyone will reply in time, but I need help. I have an abortion scheduled tomorrow, but I don’t want to go through with it even though there’s really nothing in my corner to keep my baby. I’m 6 weeks, and I already have a son who’s about to turn two. I was put on probation with one of the terms being a no contact order with my two year olds father, and he is the one who got me pregnant now again. I am afraid if I keep the baby, there will no way of getting around my probation officer finding out, and me going to jail or prison for breaking the no contact order. I was thinking I wouldn’t put the father on the birth certificate but he said they’d prob still find out, so I fear losing my two year old for going to jail, then when I give birth losing that baby as well. I don’t know what to do, but I also feel if I go through with the abortion tomorrow I will regret it and my son I already have I will lose because I will not be able to cope with this loss. I have no support I’m living with my mom who says I have to get the abortion, the father already gave me the money for it. But I know I won’t be able to live with myself if I do this, even though I love my two year old more than words can describe, and hate myself for even getting myself in this position in the first place. I don’t know if anyone will see this in time, and I know this was a lot but I thought it was worth a shot to try to reach out, as I’m in a very messed up place right now.
Hello Em,
I hope it is not too late to reach you. Please, please reach out to someone for help. It sounds like you are in a really hard place and about to do something you don’t want to do because you feel forced to do it. I don’t know where you are located, but there are people who can help you. I can’t speak to the legal issues of your case, but please don’t make a decision until you have talked to someone about this.
What I think you should do right now is contact the Center Against Forced Abortions, which is located in Texas. They are attached to a legal group called the Justice Foundation, and I hope will be able to advise you about your situation. Here is their contact info:
Phone: 210-614-7157
Email: info@txjf.org
Their web site is http://www.txjf.org/. The section on the Center Against Forced Abortions appears to be down, but this is a very reputable group and they should be able to help.
You can also contact a crisis pregnancy center in your area for local help. Option Line has centers across the country — please get in touch with them! You can go to the site to live chat, call them at 1-800-712-4357 or text HELPLINE to 313131.
Even if you are at the clinic right now, or have already had the abortion, please contact them as they can give you help regardless.
You can also call me at 217-525-8202 if you just want someone to talk with. I’m not a counselor and you still should definitely call one or both of the groups I mentioned, but I’d be happy to talk if you want. Even if you have already gone through with it, I’d still be happy to talk with you.
If you haven’t yet gone through with it, please know that there is no situation so bad it can’t be made better in one way or another. Don’t do something you don’t want to because you feel trapped — if you know right now that you are going to regret it, then you likely will. You need to make sure you have good information regarding your legal position, resources available for you and your baby, help with your parole issue and your other child, etc. You should not have to have an abortion because of this. Please reach out for help!
Hello Em,
Please take Amy’s excellent advice. I have prayed for you and I know that there’s Hope in this situation. Reach out to those who have the resources available to help you make the wise decision to give your baby a chance at life. Know this…God’s not mad at you, He Loves you!
Hi Em,
I’m praying for you right now. Know that you are not alone. God loves you and your unborn Baby. Please, know He won’t let you and your Baby down.
Em,
I am so sorry you are in such a difficult spot. You love your children and that is what is so good and honorable about you! Thank you for seeking out help! You are a loving Mother and your children are blessed to have you! Please call 1-800-579-6626, they will put you in touch with a pregnancy resource center to help you. You are carrying God’s most precious gift to you and you were chosen to be the Mother of this little one, and you always will be this child’s Mother even if you should decide to place this little one up for adoption. God Bless you and Keep you! I am praying for you, your son, your little one and for wisdom for you and probation officer.
While it is unbelievably scary to defy your Mom and boyfriend and probation officer in order to love your unborn baby and give your baby life—-God can DO this with your cooperation! He is The God of Surprises, if He is with you, no one can be against you. He is one man who will never, ever abandon you. He is one man who always keeps his promises. He is a sure bet.
If you cast yourself into His care, and chose life, you will never, ever, regret it. Ever. If you chose the lie the world is telling you, and your (Fail) support systems (your Mom & boyfriend, +Jesus please forgive them, they don’t know what they do!+) you will regret it for the rest of your life.
Please, give Our Awesome God, the God of Surprises, a chance. Cast yourself into His care, physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally. He will move mountains as long as you bind yourself to Him and Trust Him–especially when all hope seems lost.
I am praying for you & your beautiful children and your family. I wish I could do more. You can DO it! You are stronger than you know! You are a Hero! God bless you! Please read what the Lord promises below, than cancel that appt.
Jeremiah 29:11-14New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.[a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
We’re praying for you up here in Canada. I know there are people who will do anything to help you. I hope you feel valued and love for the immense treasure that you are.
Dear Em,
It looks like Amy has given you excellent advice in regards to the legal aspect of your situation. I just wanted to add that it looks like you have two options:
1) you have the abortion, giving into hopelessness, and suffer a lifetime of regret, lack of self-esteem and remorse for your lost child or
2) Initiate an aggressive strategy of saving your child no matter what, you may have to suffer some short term consequences, but it’s not for a lifetime, and you will forever feel grateful and proud of yourself for fighting tooth and nail to save your child.
If you choose #2, and have periodic panic attacks, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start over again. The brain is an amazing thing, especially when you control it, instead of it controlling you. I’m praying for you.
Dear Em,
You are in my prayers.
Susan
Where are you at? We can help you find local resources that should be able to assist you.
My opinion: Your probation officer is probably looking to see some changes in your character – a move away from deception and selfishness to honesty and selflessness. Not knowing the reasons for the no contact order, though….
I an tell you from being post-abortive myself, and working with hundreds of post abortive women, whatever you are facing in terms of legal consequences (which may not be as bad as you think) are not going to be significant when compared to the anguish you will feel for the rest of your life is you go through with the abortion. No matter what you tell yourself now to have the abortion, the truth you will be unable to dodge for the rest of your life, no matter how hard you try, will be “I killed my baby to stay out of jail.”
You baby has arms, legs, toes, fingers… She’s had a heartbeat for most of her life already (since about three weeks). You want to know what she looks like right now?
http://www.ehd.org/movies.php?mov_id=35
We’ll do everything we can to help you, but you have to be brave enough to face your situation and put your babies first. That means keeping them alive.
Dear Em,
My prayers are with you. You are not alone. God is with you right now and always.
“All things work for good for those who love God.” Just keep your eyes on Him. TRUST Him.
Hello, Em:
I don’t know if I can add much to this overwhelming support you’re getting here, but it shows you that you are not alone and that there is help. You certainly are in a really rough situation, but there is much help available. There are places where you can get help, love, support, counseling, maternity clothes, baby clothes, baby supplies, an ultrasound, social service and doctor referrals, and more. These services are usually free of charge to you. They’ll even talk to the important people in your life. Sometimes, they will use what are called “mobile medical units” to drive you to the center. You can easily access a local pregnancy resource center in your area.
You can call this number toll-free, 24/7: 1-800-712-HELP (4357). You can text “Helpline” to 313131. Or you can get on this website and enter your zip code to locate a center in your area: http://optionline.org/center-locator. And they have a chat feature on this site!
You can visit https://www.care-net/find-a-pregnancy-center, entering your zip code on the bottom left of the webpage.
You can visit a website devoted exclusively to pregnant girls or women in crisis: https://www.standupgirl.com. They have a chat feature and a forum. You also can text PREGNANT to 313131.
You may have a Birthright Chapter in your area. You can call them toll-free, 24/7: 1-800-550-4900.
Need housing to get away from your mom’s pressure to abort? Text SHELTER to 313131. You can call 1-800-NO-ABORT (662-2678).
And, my dear friend, even if their pressure succeeds, you can even get help for your pregnancy loss, even if it is due to abortion.
Call: 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
Call: 1-866-469-7326.
http://hopeafterabortion.com has lots of resources.
Praying for you, your baby, and those in your life!
Hi Em,
I don’t know if you are seeing any of the responses people have posted on here for you. Please know that there are many people who want to help — you still have time to reach out to any of the groups or people offering resources here. This is not a decision you have to make right away, no matter what anyone says. Take time to get all the information, find out what resources and help are available and about ALL your options. Your situation — both your legal and family — may not be as bad as you think. You will definitely regret it if you find out later that you had more options than you realized.
You may feel that you need to do what those around you are telling you — being without support can feel like a very dark place. Whatever you need — housing, legal help, emotional support, financial, medical care, anything — we will try to put you in touch with someone who can give you that. All the groups mentioned offer free, confidential and non-judgemental help. Please don’t feel like you have to do this alone and violate what you really want and know in your heart because of what other people are pushing you to do. Know that we care, are praying for you and want to help.
Dear Em,
I’m so sorry things are so rough right now. But things will be better for you with both your little ones together!
People break probation all the time! And keep on breaking probation! A lot of times people just get a little more probation. It would be better to be honest with your probation officer and ask for mercy. It’s not your baby’s fault – you know that.
For good, free guidance on the probation issue, I’d call the Justice Foundation (210-614-7157) or the Thomas More Law Center (734-827-2001).
And for pregnancy help and resources, call Option Line at 1-800-712-4357 or text HELPLINE to 313131.
I’m sorry your mom and the baby’s father are pushing you toward abortion.
Just pause on everything. You don’t need to go anywhere tomorrow.
I will help. Things will be okay!
If you want to talk, call me at 202-669-8882. And together we’ll connect to people and places that help.
Patricia Freeman
Em, what an amazing brave woman you are. Your thoughts are for your beautiful little son, and this coming baby. You are right when you say if you remove this precious baby from your life, that your coping skills will suffer greatly. Know that you are loved by all of us out here in the cyberspace of the internet. We care about you and your situation and we are praying for you to stay strong and have this baby.
Abortion never fixes a problem, it just make you the mother of a baby no longer with you. We are beseeching God on your behalf to help you in this situation. It doesn’t matter if you believe in God, God believes in YOU. He created you because He love you and He will help you.
Lord, we ask you to bless Em today. Give her the grace, strength and courage to birth this precious child You have sent her. Put Angels in her path to gently guide and lead her to a life-giving solution. Put Angels before her to walk her away from her troubled past and into a bright and beautiful, safe and happy future. We know You can do this, Lord, and we call on You on Em’s behalf. We ask this through Jesus Christ Your Son. Amen.
We love you, Em. Stay strong! Be blessed. God loves you. xox
Thank you Amy Iam emailing you right now. Iam in South Africa eastern cape
I have tried calling those nomber but it seems as if the is a problem can you pls give me the direct line so that i can call them
Hi Noni, sorry you are having trouble. The Rachel’s Vineyard hotline number is 1-877-467-3463. You can also visit the Option Line page to find a center in your area that can offer counseling. If you don’t want to call yet, you can chat with a counselor on that page or text “HELPLINE” to 313131.
I didn’t think to ask, but most of the groups on this page are in the United States. So if you are outside the U.S., please send me an email at elliotinstitute@gmail.com and I will try to connect you with a group that can help you.
I had an abortion when I was 19. It wasn’t hard for me to make the decision to have an abortion because I believed and still believe it was the best thing for me considering the circumstances. My boyfriend supported my decision, but he did not support me emotionally. I broke up with him nearly four months after my abortion as I became very emotionally detached and had a very difficult time keeping up with all relationships whether it be my boyfriend, my friends or my family. I do not speak to anyone because there is no right time or place to tell someone, and I also feel embarrassed and ashamed. I don’t handle intimacy or relationships itself well anymore. It’s been a year since this all happened and I really struggle with it. Some days are much worse than others. I don’t sleep well and have many nightmares.I’m in school for Child and Youth Work and at times I have a difficult time spending so much time with children and sometimes I question the profession I am in. Sometimes I think I have developed some kind of anxiety and I get angry and frustrated much more easily than I ever did before. I don’t know if all of this will pass, or if I must seek help to get past this.
Hi Rachel, even if you still believe that abortion was the best thing to do, you can still struggle afterward. A lot of what you are describing — nightmares, trouble sleeping, relationship problems, emotional detachment, etc. — may be a sign of deeper trauma and isn’t necessarily just going to go away on it’s own, especially as it has lasted for so long already. (You can see some information on signs of post-abortion stress here, although you might have other symptoms that aren’t listed).
So yes, I would really encourage you to seek some help by contacting one of the organizations listed on this page. At the very least, they can offer you support as you work through this so you won’t be on your own. They are there to help without judgement and will be glad to hear from you. (If you are outside the U.S., send me an email at elliotinstitute@gmail.com and I will try to put you in touch with organization in your area.)
I had an abortion when i was 22yrs old now it is haunting me i think about it every day of my life, i have so much regrets and i wish i could turn the clock and undo my mistakes.I am not coping the guilt is too much. at that time the decission was perfect but now it kills me day by day. pls help me. i dont trust anyone with this secret
Hello Noni, I’m so glad you came to this page. You don’t have to keep living with regret and guilt — you can heal after abortion. No matter how heavy the burden seems, things can get better. I know you say you can’t trust anyone with this but the fact that you are visiting this page suggests you really want to share this with someone. I would really encourage you to contact one of the organizations listed above. They won’t share your information with anyone or judge you in any way. You can keep everything totally private and confidential with them. I promise they are just there to listen, support you and help you heal.
As hard as it may seem to take this first step, I think you will start to feel a little better just knowing that there is someone to listen and understand. If you aren’t ready to talk with someone on the phone or face to face, you can start by getting some email support through Rachel’s Vineyard. Please don’t hesitate to reach out and get help!
I had a abortion about 20 years ago. Im now not able to have kids. Im so depressed in the inside for the choice i made when i was young. Just not sure how to get this guilt out of my head.
Hello Sarah, so glad you found our site and posted here. It sounds like you are having a hard time, and I’m so sorry about all the losses you have been through. Please, if you haven’t already done so, think about contacting one of the groups listed here on this page for help. They can give you support, help you work through your pain and regret and address your depression. You don’t have to keep carrying this burden alone. It’s not something you will ever forget, but you can feel better.
Please don’t be afraid to reach out and call them — they are not there to judge or make you feel worse, but to listen and help. It may be hard to make the initial call, but I think that you’ll find that even just talking to someone will help a little. If you are hesitant about calling, you can contact Rachel’s Vineyard for email support to get you started.
I had an abortion when I was 16 yo and I have never been the same. I am now 26, I think that I am still affected by it. I just didn’t think it was possible, however, I identified with all the symptoms. Is it possible that after 8 years I could still be experiencing post-abortion stress?
Absolutely. In fact, one study found that on average it took about 9 years for women begin to recognize and seek treatment for unresolved issues related to their abortions. There are many possible reasons for this. But there could be the advantage that having a bit of time between now and then will give you more coping skills to work through the healing process now than you would have had then. I strongly encourage you to reach out to a post-abortion healing group. I believe that a year from now you will be so thankful that you did.
I had three abortions with the pill. I got pregnant for the fourth time and realized the wrong I did I had an ectopic pregnancy the Dr. told me the baby was fine heartbeat sounded good. At 5 months I was home started bleeding went to the ER and was told the babys heartbeat stopped I did not believe it I went home that some night I was bleeding more and had a miscarriage I felt something come out through my vagina and when I grabbed it, it was my full sized baby boy. I remember that event as if it was yesterday it’s been 4 years ago. I regret so much my 3 abortions I know it was my punishment to have the miscarriage for what I did. I feel as if God will never forgive me I went to Rachels Vineyard but still don’t ever think God will forgive me. I feel so ashamed of myself I hate myself so much.
Eva, please keep trying and don’t give up. God always forgives, even if we don’t feel it. Healing doesn’t always happen all at once — it can take time. God doesn’t want to punish you for what happened; He loves you and wants to heal you. It may take some time and there may be moments when you feel worse instead of better, but you can get through this with the grace of God and the right support. It sounds like you went through a very traumatic experience, so you might need more counseling to help, and would perhaps benefit from one-on-one counseling after being in a group setting. I would really encourage you to contact one of the groups on this page and talk with them about follow-up care. Abortion Recovery International (1-657-464-7071) may be able to refer you to someone. You might also want to consider talking to a priest/pastor if you have one about the issues you are having. Please don’t give up!
Hi My Name is Amber Nicole Ellis I Need Prayer Become I Am Sick And Feel Bad I Need God To Make Me Happy Not Feel Bad And sick
Hello Amber, we will certainly pray for you. Is there any way we can help you? If you are hurting after abortion please contact one of the groups listed on this page for free and confidential help. They would love to talk with and support you! Or you can also send us an email at elliotinstitute@gmail.com to let us know more details so that we can help if we can.
I had just turned 16 years old when i had an abortion at 21 weeks. It was a boy. I did in fear of my parents reactions. Its been 5 months ive only felt regret and hatred towards my actions. I now have to go to counseling once a week but i feel like its the same. i still have nightmares about being in that room and it overwhelms me.
Abigail, I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Healing takes time, and you might have periods where you are feeling worse instead of better because you are confronting all these painful memories. It is good that you are getting help through this difficult time. Continue to talk with your counselor about what you are going through and perhaps he or she can offer you some additional tips or assistance in dealing with this. It could be that you simply need more time, or you may need to talk with the counselor more often.
It may be that the nightmares are symptoms of deep emotional trauma that requires more intense therapy than you are currently receiving. Grief and trauma can be complicated and involve layers of issues that need healing. If you haven’t read it already, the section on this page entitled “What Does Recovery Feel Like,” offers a little guidance about when you might want to consider seeking out help from a different source.
Above all, please keep trying. If it has only been five months since the abortion you may still be in the early stages of your grief and this will take time just like grieving any other loss. Know that this is a journey and don’t get become discouraged that you aren’t yet feeling better. But please also don’t hesitate to tell your counselor you need more help or to reach out to others for help if you need it.
Hello, Em,
I have been there. Do not do it. Keep the baby. I stand outside the abortion clinics now and pray because I do not want anyone to go through the living hell that abortion is. If I can spare one person by the grace of God, it is worth it. Seek help from Mother Teresa’s order, Missionaries of Charity if there is one near you. They helped me. You are the image of God, and the little one you are carrying is His image as well. No one has the right to destroy God’s images, absolutely no one. No one not even Christ himself said this life would be easy, but we must follow Him anyway. Persevere. Satan will not like that choose life. He will send many obstacles your way. Stay strong. Stay strong. Stay strong. Fervently call upon St. Michael the archangel. You do not know what this child is destined to be. He may be a priest or Pope some day, and if not, he is still God’s child. I will keep you in my prayers at the Eucharist. Give this child a name. Here are some suggestions: Joshua, Hadassah, Deborah, Mary, Maria, Elijah, Jeremiah just to name a few. Only the strong survive, and the strong are called to protect the weak not to destroy them. To El Sadday, be all the Glory, Honor, and Power. Shout victory, Em not defeat. With faith, the battle, the war is already won, and Satan knows this. Shield that little one with all your might asked of God. as well. You have already taken a step towards victory by reaching out. You can do it, girl. I know you can. Alleluia!!!!!
Estamos en las manos de Dios,
Sharon
Last month of February I did the abortion, ever since the day I left the hospital,m not my self anymore m struggling to come to terms with it,having the nightmare,wondering how my child was going to look like, but mostly how do I tell my mum that I did abortion. I am always angry, short tempered even asked my boyfriend to give me space to deal with this pain alone. How do I move forward,i cry day and night. How do I reach out to your support group really need help.
Hi Emelda, it is good that you are reaching out. I’m so sorry about the pain and loss you are going through. It’s important to find people you can trust to talk with, someone who won’t just condemn you but will listen, support you and help you heal. The best way to reach out is simply to call or one of the support groups listed on this page. If you are not in the United States or can’t otherwise reach one of these groups, you can email me at elliotinstitute@gmail.com and I will try to find a local group for you. Rachel’s Vineyard offers support by email to women around the world: http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/contact/email-support.aspx. I hope this helps.
I had an abortion 1 week ago. I regret the choice i made though my bf said it was the best way out, i really didn’t want to terminate my pregnancy now i find myself struggling to come to terms with it, i push my bf away no matter how much he is trying to help me, i barely sleep, in class i don’t think straight, nightmares are too much. . . i love my bf. i want us work out but guilt and unforgiveness are killing part of me. i need help am in Kenya . . . Please text back via my email address.
Dear Julie,
You are going through a very tough time. Many women have gone through the same thing. Many have found healing with the help of a post-abortion healing ministry and now they want to help you. Please read our page of tips on finding a post-abortion help group. Since you are in Kenya, I would encourage you to contact as many churches as you can and ask if they have any recommendations for finding a group . . . or even just other women who are going through the same thing you are. Together, you might work through one of the free, online workbooks for post-abortion healing, like the one offered by My Healing Choice. You will find more options under the section “Groups Offering Online Support”
Please keep looking for support . . . even if it requires reaching out to loved ones other than your boyfriend. This is a very difficult burden to carry alone. But know that many people want to help you!
You are in our prayers. Please write again if we can be of further help.
hi
I was 2 months pregnant and I aborted the reason was that the pregnancy wasn’t strong enough so I lost it 🙁 but now I feel very sad and down and always angry and not in the mood and feeling lonely . what can I do to feel better ? please don’t publish my email.thx
Hi Cherine.
I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. It is very normal. The good news is that no matter how you lost the pregnancy, there are people and resources out there to help you heal. Please reach out and look for help.
For most of the women who contact us, we recommend they contact one of the groups on our page of tips and referrals for post-abortion healing. But it sounds to me like you had a “natural abortion,” a miscarriage, rather than an “induced abortion” which is when a women asks a doctor to cause the abortion. Is that correct?
If so, the helpers at the post-abortion ministries may still be able to help. Many of the same steps to work through grief and heal are the same. But you may also find that there are programs and counselors who your doctor or local hospital can refer you to who specifically help women, men, and families who have experienced a miscarriage. You might also ask a post-abortion ministry if they have information and contacts with local providers of help following a miscarriage.
Please know that you can and will feel better with time, and especially with the help and compassion of those who have been through what you are going through. It’s natural to feel both sad and lonely. The latter, at least, can be helped by talking with others who have been through the same experience and who will be there to help and encourage you. Someday, you will be able to bring that same experience of compassion to help others!
You are in my prayers.
When you
Angela,
Congratulations on being a mother again! My Mom found herself pregnant at the age of 45 with her 9th child . Definitely not a planned pregnancy. But she stepped out in faith and trusted the Lord. My baby sister wasn’t more than 3 months old and my Mom said “she is my greatest joy”. My little sister has been a gift to all of us and we can’t imagine life without her. She is now in her forties, has 2 children of her own and just adopted a foster child. What a gift she has been to so many people! Your baby will also be a gift to all whose lives he/she touches. Best wishes to you and I’ll keep you in my prayers.
I just found out I was pregnant about a week. It was totally unplanned, but when I found out I was pregnant I was not only worried but happy at the same time. When I broke the news to my husband, I was heart broken that even though he said he would support me through whatever decision I made I knew he didn’t want the baby. We already have six beautiful children and life for us has been a struggle. We are almost to a point of complete comfort with our other children and my husband feels that having another baby will basically destroy what we have. I told my older children about the baby to see where they stood and they were all happy with the exception of my oldest, but she was extremely mad when I got pregnant with my sixth child as well. I am so torn on knowing what the right decision is to make, do I keep the baby to keep myself happy or do I have an abortion to keep new chaos out of my household. I have no one to talk to and am just looking for some guidance. I am leaning towards the abortion, but I feel like that will be something that may destroy me emotionally inside. I don’t know what to do or how to feel at this time and am looking for help.
Please read about the risk factors that are known to predict which women are most likely to have the most severe psychological reactions to abortion.
You are clearly at higher risk of having a very rough time coping with your abortion. I’m confident that it would also be hard on your husband and children.
You are the heart of your family. When Mom is happy, the whole family will be happier. If Mom becomes depressed, filled with grief and regret, much less has other more severe psychological reactions to the abortion . . . much less any physical complications . . . the whole family will suffer.
You know this child is a blessing. He or she comes with the message that God is very pleased with what you have done and are doing with your other six children. So pleased, He has given you another . . . indeed, one of His most special children who needs tried and true parents and a passel of loving siblings.
Congratulations! You are a mother, yet again! Look only at the joy and blessing you feel. Ignore the slowness of your husband and eldest child. They will come around in good time and will be so happy that your maternal heart was open and joyful. No one ever regrets the gift of a child, but many, perhaps most, will eventually regret their abortions.
Set an example of joy and anticipation about your newest child, and it will spread to the rest!
You and your husband, and all seven of your children, are in my prayers. If you like, let us know and we’ll send out an email inviting more people to pray for you and to write to you through our website. If it’s encouragement you need, we can help you find plenty!
You are NOT being selfish to think about giving birth to your child. You heart is right. This child is a gift to you and your whole family. Your husband and children will, a year from now, be so in love with the baby that they will be appalled that any of you even thought about passing on this gift of life.
I know you are already busy and stressed with six children. But as you already know, your life is already busy to the max. One more child just fits into that filled life and adds new layers of relationship and richness to everyone’s life. You will all manage and thrive, just as you did when number five and then number six came along.
If you like, we can send out a notice to our email list and you will receive a ton of similar emails encouraging you, just as so many are writing to “Up in the air.”
Hi Angela,
I was just writing you a response when I saw the one that came through above, that already says most of what I was going to say. I just wanted to add a couple of things:
Abortion will not necessarily keep new chaos out of your home — in fact, it often makes it worse. In addition to all the information on risks posted above, here is another link on the affect abortion can have on relationships. So having an abortion to save a family or relationship isn’t a good idea.
Right now you are in crisis and things probably look very dark. It’s usually not a good time to make such a life-altering decision. Take your time, seek support and don’t allow yourself to be rushed or pressured into doing something you don’t think is a good idea. If you end up aborting because you feel you have no other choice, this can lead to resentment and regret.
Circumstances change and hopefully you will find that having this baby is the best thing that ever happened to your family! I’m one of eight children and my parents often struggled financially to raise us. We did have a lot of chaos sometimes! But I don’t think any of us regrets not having more or wishes there had been fewer of us. Now that we are all grown, I am so grateful to have so many siblings because I am never without support. There is always someone to turn to when times are hard or when I just need a friend!
If you are in need of guidance or any resources to support, please visit the pregnancy help page here. There are lots of groups out there offering support and resources to families. Plus, you may find this web site with information on raising kids on a shoestring to be helpful!
Feel free to send us an email if you need more information or to be put in touch with a group that can help you: elliotinstitute@gmail.com.
Take the chance and keep the baby. They may or may not find out about the contact with the father but it is better to have a baby on your lap than on your conscience! Pray & dont worry. Admit your mistake but don’t go making a Bigger 1 thinking that will help because it wont. Follow your heart in giving this baby life even if you have to give 2 up. He will still have his Life! Be a Mom and Protect ur baby!
Dearest Mother:
You are already a mother to the precious little one God has placed within your womb. I am 70 years old and 50 years ago during the Vietnam years, I was in exactly the same circumstance you are in now, and out of grave fear gave in to my husband’s evil and selfish demands! Our little Heather Maria is in Heaven and God showed her to me on Mother’s Day after I had converted to the Catholic Faith in 2000. She was/is my most beautiful baby! God is with me, but I will forever grieve her death until my own! Whatever you do, keep your little baby, and you will never regret this most important decision of your life!! God will stand with you and never let you down! And your marriage with thrive with Amazing Grace! Don’t ever fear your husband, no matter what!!
“Give a chance to this voiceless baby” You will be in my prayers.
Peace and Hope from Borneo Island.
Please know that we are praying for you to continue your pregnancy. We are praying for the baby’s Daddy to come to see how important he is to you and to your family. Let God’s grace hold you up and keep you strong enough to defend the life of your little one. Trust in our Lord and He will be your light to see the way.
It must be very difficult when the father of your child wishes to abort his own baby. When I was younger, that happened to me as well. But the good Lord helped me make a right decision, and to convince the baby’s father, and our daughter was born and is the joy of our life.
Today,Our Respect Life Ministry will pray for you at our monthly meeting. We will pray that, like Joseph in the Gospel, your baby’s father will realize that God has given you this pregnancy for His purposes and that it is not right, as human people, to tell God we know better than he does. God means all things for good. May God bless you and keep you.
A doctor said it better than I: “I’ve never had a woman sit in your chair (in his office) who regretted giving birth but I have had many who regretted their abortion.”
There are scores of post abortion healing programs because this decision hurts women, men and all it touches. Please let us help you.
I pray you will find the way to keep your child.
I’m a psychologist and do lots of marriage therapy with blended families such as your own. Once husband and wife get in the same room and start communicating honestly (95% of problems in marriages are communications problems) you will be able to work out your differences. I hope you are in or will get into treatment to deal with the fighting/toxic atmosphere that is threatening your little growing miracle
I am praying for you and have walked your path with a former husband who did not want a fourth child, because we have three daughters, and he wanted me to take a gender test at 11 wks with this unplanned pregnancy. When I refused, because he said he would want me to abort if we learned from the test we were having a 4th daughter, and I a woman and mom to three daughters so how could I knowingly abort a girl, or any child; he then became incessant on the abortion. Said he no longer wanted the baby due to “finances”.
I have cried literal rivers of grief for over 6 years now; the mantel of grief following the coercion to abort left me with a gaping hole in my heart. I withdrew from friendships.
My husband became distant, refused to commit to sustained therapy; we divorced last year after 16 years of marriage because I could no longer live with the man I loved, the father of our children, under the bonds of marriage- because the pain was too great, and I felt abandoned from the minute I refused to take the gender test.
No one can prepare you for a clinic and what that feels like in there; the men sit in a waiting room, much like a dentists office reading Sports Illustrated etc; while the woman must enter a back door and undergo a vastly different, frightening and life-altering decision; while the man is shielded from the reality behind that door.
If more men accompanied their wives into the back room, they would change their mind. The gravity of what they are asking of their girlfriend, wife, partner would hit home.
But due to Federal regulations, they remain in the elevator music waiting room, flipping through a magazine.
And when you, the woman, returns; you are no longer the same person you were before passing through the back door. Because the horror of that terrifying experience leaves you in shock.
There is now a great rift because the couple did not experience the trauma of it together; and often the man just wants it all to go away.
I implore you to reconsider.
I learned of this site after it was too late.
We are here to support you; and coercion is rampant. There should be a 48-hr moratorium in clinics, where coercion is evident. Or even where the woman says it’s her decision. Bc once you enter a clinic, it often hard to leave. You feel trapped both on the inside, and well as the circumstances which lead you there in the first place.
I will pray that God will enter your marriage and your husband will reconsider what he is asking of you, his wife.
It will be very difficult because as a mother, you already know exactly the stage of fetal development.
This will stay with you.
God bless you and bring you peace in the days ahead.
I was always against abortion but felt I had no where to turn.
It cost me my marriage, and carries to this day, a fountain of tears and the shackles of sorrow in silence, due to stigma.
Praying for you.
I am praying for you and your child. I pray that the Lord will soften your husband’s heart. Yes, you are already a mother of 3. Your baby wants to live! Your baby wants to see your face and will someday be able to say, Daddy, I love you… and he will be so grateful that he sees his eyes in this child’s eyes, just like the other two children. You have a blessed family. I pray that the Lord intervenes in a huge way so that your marriage is strengthen by this child and that you come together as a family of 5, stronger and faith-filled more than ever! Your child loves you already… You will hold your baby and all will be well. Stay strong, the Lord is with you every step of the way! You are *never* alone! God bless…
Don’t even consider an abortion; say a Hail Mary and ask Our Lady to guide you to a holy priest and call that priest for an appointment. His prayers for you and your husband will reach Heaven…and things will turn around. Promise.
I thought about the fact you argue all the time, and I thought I should tell you what worked for me. Don’t discuss any issues when either of you is angry. Ask him why he is treating you this way. Other than that, whenever he starts up, leave the room. Follow the same pattern I mentioned earlier. If he starts up when you are driving, pull over to the side and stop the car. Tell him it is dangerous for him to distract you with arguments, so it is not safe to drive. Don’t proceed until he stops. Obviously, you will also have to control yourself. I don’t know if you are a Christian or not, but regardless, pray. Take a moment when he starts, and don’t respond. It’s very hard, but it can be done. Control your own anger so you don’t start. You can start on working on resolving issues when you are both in control. If he is having problems at work or something, be there so he can vent if he needs to. Try not to worry TOO much about setting him off; you can drive yourself crazy. Just do the best you can.
If you look up the statistics of relationships that last through an abortion it is very, very low. It is very, very likely that your marriage will end if you decide to get an abortion. As someone who has (regrettably) had an abortion, the effects are extremely detrimental. You think about the sibling that your living children are missing. Your self-esteem goes from very good to non-existent. Once you abort you are now a woman who killed her very own, very innocent child. And the child is killed in a very violent way. You live with this forever and forever regret it. Please, please do not have an abortion.
Congratulations!
Children are a blessing and a reward. Many people would love to be blessed with a positive pregnancy test. Actually, my sister just found out that her best friend’s ultrasound today is showing an empty gestational sack… after a year of trying to get pregnant, she got pregnant and possibly miscarried last night.
You have been blessed. Don’t trash your blessing!
Trust in Him. ..and say” I claim the protection of the Blood of the Lamb”.
I pray for you and your husband.
You reached out to the right place, Up in the Air. Pray like you’ve never prayed before and cast it all on the Lord.
Do not abort, but seek help through the pregnancy. Perhaps your husband will support you to carry your child to term and adopt him or her to another home. If not, the Lord will be on your side and the side of your child. If you are faithful to God, your husband will have the Lord to contend with. Trust in the Lord first, trust in your husband second.
I went through an abortion while I was married. I was wanting the abortion because I didn’t anything to do with my husband at the time because I had planned to divorce him. When I went through with it, I was the only one that had complications and after I had a lot unforgiveness towards myself for doing it because I wrong for taking a life. It wasn’t until about a few years later when I went a Creflo Dollar conference that was going on our city that he spoke out in the middle of his preaching and said “I speak to that woman that had an abortion, who has beating herself up about it. God has already forgiven you, forgive yourself.” I’m not telling you to go ahead with it, I’m telling you that it is wrong and consequences that come behind it. Pray for your husband because this will cause you to be murderer. Once the baby has been conceived it is human living on the inside of you. God is the giver of life and the fact that you’re pregnant says that God trust you to be good steward over a soul that He want to be brought into the Earth for purpose. Go to God in prayer and watch Him move on your behalf.
Oh and by the way: I got my college degree when we had four children. I went to college while I was pregnant, and gave birth in the middle of the semester. I was out of class for a week, and aced my courses. You can do it, too.
Hi! Trust me when I say you will regret having an abortion. As David mentioned, your uncertainty leads me to believe that abortion will only bring you more problems in your life and marriage. I went along with my husbands desire for an abortion and have regretted the decision for many years. I not only lost my child, but my marriage did not survive either. Please take the time to rethink all your options and find a pregnancy resource center near you that can support your decision and help with other resources you’ll need to succeed. I’ll be praying for you.
Hello. I am praying for you. You have three children. Your youngest is totally dependent on you for your protection. When your husband insists on you having an abortion, he is abusing you. Don’t let him. Please protect your baby. Just tell him you have decided to have your baby, and it is a final decision. If he brings it up again, just walk out of the room. If he follows you, tell him not to follow you and walk out of the room again. If he continues to follow you, walk outside. If he follows you outside, go to a friend’s house. Eventually he will give up. You can also ask him why he wants you to kill his baby. As for finances, been there, done that. While our seven children were growing up, we had many periods of time when there was no income at all. The total time was six years. Our children never went hungry. They never went without having clothes to wear, or shelter. We made it. You can, too, especially since there is so much help available.
I am so sorry about the arguments you two are having. I do not know if you know Jesus Christ but I believe He really is the Son of God and really does love us and is really with us in our suffering! I hope you will ask Him to reveal Himself to you and to guide you. I will ask Him too to hold you, comfort you and give you strength to do what is right. I ask Him to bring peace to your husbands heart and to help him see that the little unborn baby is his little boy or girl and that there is no more powerful thing in the world than love! Love can overcome even the greatest challenges and love makes life worth living, even when it is difficult. I love you and will pray for you!
The law is very simple – the decision is yours and yours alone. If you don’t want an abortion, tell him. If he loves you, he will accept it. If he doesn’t accept it then the chances are very high that having an abortion against your wishes will do irreparable harm to your marriage anyway. Apparently to most men, the bay is not real until it can be felt moving – he will come round in time if you just stand your ground.
…hopefully this gets a response soon enough… I am with my husband and we recently found out that I am expecting. We currently have a 2 year old and he has a 5 yr old from a previous relationship. He thinks that it is best that I have an abortion because we have arguments, he pays child support for his other child and because I am still in college… I have been back and forth about this and just do not know where to turn…don’t know who to talk to or nothing..Please help.
Hi. Having an abortion will not make your lives easier. It may look that way, but it is clear that you are personally at higher risk of significant emotional problems from an abortion if you went through with it. Please read our page regarding the known risk factors, from statistically validated medical studies, which predict which women will have the most problems. Put a check mark next to each risk factor that applies to you.
You should then also review the summaries of the emotional problems associated with abortion, the impact on physical health (including later pregnancies), and on your longevity.
The fact that you are hesitating and only considering this because of the financial concerns you face is a VERY STRONG reason to not have the abortion. Please trust that things will work out. The overwhelming number of women who have been in your situation who persevered and had the baby are glad they did. A year from now, much less ten years from now, you and your husband will never regret your child and will be so glad you turned away from having an abortion. But the opposite will be true if you have an abortion.
Don’t give up hope!
You are in my prayers!
Hello, I don’t know where you are located but there are groups out there who can help with support and resources, and would be happy to talk with you about your situation. Please visit the pregnancy help page to find links: http://www.theunchoice.com/pregnancyhelp.htm
If you are outside the U.S., please send me an email at elliotinstitute@gmail.com and I will try to put you in touch with someone who can help.
Hello, Up in the air:
Yes you are in a tough spot, with you being in college, being a mommy and now pregnant again. It is sad how many abortions are done because other people whom you trust think abortion is the answer to the crisis. Your husband means well and is sincere, but one can be sincerely wrong. There are safe, confidential, resources where you can reach out for help. Consider texting “Helpline” to 313131
or PREGNANT to 313131. You can call toll free numbers like: 1-800-662-2678 or
1-800-550-4900. You can visit http://optionline.org and enter your zip code at the top of the page, and find your nearest pregnancy resource center. You can visit http://www.heartbeatinternational.org where pregnancy resource centers are listed by state. These centers provide counseling, diapers, maternity and baby clothes, toys, ultrasounds of your baby, education on prenatal development, parenting classes, referrals to doctors, clinics, financial assistance, and much more. You can visit http://care-net.org/find-a-pregnancy-center and enter your zip code to locate your nearest pregnancy resource center. Praying4You!
Hi, Up in the Air. I want to encourage you to let your baby live. Your baby has only you to protect him or her right now. I agree with Liz that your husband will come around and will adore his child when he actually sees the baby. Having an abortion because your husband wants you to will likely create such deep hurt and resentment that it will forever negatively impact your marriage. Be strong, for your whole family. I will keep you in my prayers.
Hello
Sorry I don’t know your name but I will pray that God will give you grace to go through this difficult time of decision. I pray that His grace will be sufficient for you to make the morally correct decision.
You have a precious unborn child in you and I am sure you care for him/her very much, and will not regret it if you gave him/her a chance to continue to live.
I know it is difficult, but sometimes the difficult decisions that inconvenience us are the decisions that are prompted out of love and self-sacrifice, as we do the right thing. Such are the inspiring stories we read about — when people do the correct thing, despite difficulty and hardship.
I will continue to pray for you and your husband. It must indeed be difficult. Please also pray to Jesus yourself and trust in Him and ask for His help.
Cyril
Dear o d,
I have over 30 years experience in counseling women and girls in unplanned pregnancies. I also counsel those who have had abortions. Did you know that 75% of all relationships end within 3 months after an abortion? My experience with post abortive is that they do not do the things they had the abortion to do. They drop out of school, lose their jobs because depression leads to absenteeism and their relationships with existing children deteriorate.
I have a personal experience with my 2nd husband. I had teen-aged daughters from my first marriage and found I was pregnant at 38. He wanted me to abort. I did not. Now, he absolutely worships his daughter . . . and also our son who I had when I was 42.
One woman I counseled had four abortions because her husband threatened to leave her if she did not. He left her anyway. Do not do it. You cannot go wrong doing the right thing.
Love from Sarajevo. http://www.svjetionikcentarzazivot.com. You can leave your contact info at this web site and I will contact you if you wish.
There is a reason why you are struggling with this. In your heart you know it is a wrong choice. Have faith and trust that you will have provision for this child. If your relationship is struggling then please find a place to worship foot the support that you need. I had an abortion 38 yrs ago due to financial concerns (ha d two children 16 mos apart and 3rd one would have been 15 months later. Immediately after procedure I knew it was a mistake but it was too late. We had another planned pregnancy 6 months later. God provided my husband with a promotion that would have provided for us two months after the abortion. It took years to find a heart to forgive my husband for not standing with me at the time of the 3rd pregnancy. Seek counsel and keep this precious life. You will forever regret it if you term your pregnancy. Praying for you and your husband. May God bless your household and your marriage. May the Father come before all the things on the earth. May you find that He is working in you to bring change into your lives. Amen!
Hello,
I have just heard about your new baby on the way. I can see that you are extremely conflicted and the pressures seem almost insurmountable – but they are not actually. You have considered only two options it seems – your husband believes abortion is the way and you seem to naturally want to give life to your new little one. If raising another baby would be too difficult right now – have you thought about adoption? Your little family will not become stretched financially but you baby will have a wonderful chance at life. No one decision will be easy but at least this one will have a great outcome for your baby without stressing your family now and without the harm of abortion touching you all. Call me anytime 1 866 LUV BOTH
Ow I really need the retreat ,but I cant get through,please I need help, I am in Eastern Cape,South Africa
Unfortunately, I don’t know where to send you for help in South Africa. I would suggest contacting churches and pro-life groups who may be in touch with pregnancy help centers, post-abortion healing ministries. Many Catholic dioceses have contacts with post-abortion ministries. My search results indicate that the contact info for the diocese in Mthatha is nolanthurston@gmail.com. Perhaps they can help you find a local resource. If not, you may be able to find some online help from one of the post-abortion ministries listed on our resource page, listed under the section “Groups Offering Online Support”
I wish I could offer more. Don’t give up hope! God loves you and wants yo to find healing.
Hello, Rachel’s Vineyard does offer retreats worldwide, although I don’t know for sure if there are any in your area. Here is a link to their web site: http://www.rachelsvineyard.org. You can email them to ask about retreats or to get support through email.
The Ramah International web site (http://ramahinternational.org/help-in-your-area/international/) lists the following centers that offer counseling in South Africa. Even if they are not located near you they may be able to offer help by phone or email, or put you in touch with someone in your area.
SOUTH AFRICA
CHOICES Pregnancy Centre
PO Box 3486
Somerset West
7130, Cape
South Africa
tel & fax:27 21 8526454
email: choices_helderberg@hotmail.com
Birthright of South Africa
15 Essenpark 314 Essenwood Road
Durban 4001 South Africa
Tel. (031) 202-6528
Contact: Merrilyn de Gersigny, Nat’l Director
Alternatives
Pregnancy Crisis Center
Contact: Wendy Heasley
P.O. Box 13441
Humewood,6013
Port Elizabeth, South Africa
New Life Centre
3 Krige Street
BELLVILLE
South Africa
Phone: +(0)21 9451765
email: shanac@netactive.co.za
Dear Woman of Faith-Yes, a woman of faith, if you that conflicted about this decision, you have faith and it will get you through. Know there are many praying for you during this very difficult time, knowing that you don’t want to cause any more problems with your husband, but also feeling the tug in your heart & spirit to do what’s right. May the lord give you peace as you decide , and know that he will always provide for his children.
I have been keeping this “secret” to myself for the past two years this is my reality I’m in search of advice. This is my regretful story.
At the time I was feeling very stressed out bills we’re piling up living paycheck by paycheck I was with no cause then fired from my job. I felt confused rejected lonely the only motivation if any where my kids. I’m a single parent I had just met my current bf. A week prior to meeting him I had unprotected “sex “with someone else. It was a one night thing and we each went our own ways after that. My bf had a previous relationship he has a child of his own when I met him he was struggling with his own relationship problems he had recently broken up with his x a few months ago and was & is unable to see his child. We started dating and a month later I find out that I had conceived.
I was happy with the news and thought he would be happy as well I told him I was pregnant his reaction was not what I had expected he said to me what are you going to do? And he then questioned if it was his child?(maybe because he had been cheated before he isn’t aware that I was with someone else prior to him obviously other than my x husband). At the time we weren’t living together he got distant from me he would not answer my texts or calls as usual. I then realized that I once again had to face the fact of rising my unborn child by my own. I was very scared to face this alone after all I have been thru with my Marriage and then the thought of how my teenage children would take this news along with all others who knew me puzzled me. The happiness I felt turned into confusion specially when I even questioned who the actual father of my child was?
I went to the clinic to get a pregnancy test to confirm that the test I took at home was correct and indeed It was positive they said are you planning on continuing full term or do you want to terminate it? At first I didn’t even thing about terminating my pregnancy. I Knew that I wanted to continue with my pregnancy but the remorse that I might be lying to my bf had me puzzled. Nor did I wanted to lie to my child who his father was. As of today, I’m still uncertain who the father actually was. I feel deep inside of me that it was my bf who I conceived a child with. I had a conversation with the other guy to clear my mind out and he said to me that he felt embarrassed because of what had happened that night between us, referring to that he had been drinking. He remembered not having an erection which was true.
I was eight weeks along when I decided to get an abortion. Ever since then I live thinking of my child, the horrendous thing I’ve done, thinking that it was the best decision at the moment. I was wrong. Now I feel pain in my heart I cry for what I’ve done I feel I’m a coward for not being responsible of my acts I regret having an abortion even more after my bf comes back to me telling me he had thought things over and that he did want support me all way with “our” baby. But it was too late. I had already done the abortion thinking that I had lost him as well.
My bf asked me how far I was and I lied to him making him think that it was a false alarm about my pregnancy. I did this because I felt ashamed of myself. He believed me. I’m a coward an liar. I don’t deserve to live. I sometimes wish I were dead, but I know my children need me.
No one knows what I’ve done. I hate myself for killing my innocent child. What hurts the most is that I’m still with my loving bf. He doesn’t deserve a person like me, but I love him. I don’t know what to do. If I should tell him the truth? Ending my relationship will only lead me to depression which I feel I already have. I have lost not only my child but the spirit to move on with life. Our relationship is way much better now as each day goes by he has mentioned to me that he would like to have a child with me. I sometimes feel the same but the remorse I feel makes me think I don’t deserve to have children anymore. I’m not the best parent, like my kids tell me. I’m extremely sorry & confused please help!
Dear Lonely,
Please call one of the hotline numbers listed on our resource page for post-abortion healing options. You need to talk to someone who has been through the same things you are going through. It will help to talk to another woman who has already been through the healing process. That will strengthen your hope and resolve to help you through your own healing.
Eventually, you will need to share the truth of your abortion with your boyfriend. He needs to know how your heart is aching. He will understand why you hid the truth out of shame. It might be even most ideal for the two of you to go through a post-abortion healing program together. Some groups, like Rachel’s Vineyard, provide an opportunity for couples to work through post-abortion issues together.
I need to talk about what happened to me when I loss my baby long time ago.
Hi Sabrina, many women and men still struggle for a long time after losing a child. You are not alone in this. Please know that there are people who want to listen and help if you need it. If you have undergone an abortion, I would really encourage you to reach out to one of the groups listed in the resource section on this page. They offer free and confidential support and counseling. Consider just calling or emailing one of the groups to talk with someone and see where you might go from there.
Also, the Silent No More Awareness Project posts women’s stories on their site and allows you to share your own story if you want to do so (you don’t have to give your name or any personal information). It may help just to read through some of the stories on their site and see how others have coped: https://www.silentnomoreawareness.org/testimonies/index.aspx
I had an abortion in October. Mine I felt very pressured, for the guy I was seeing was married. We had a very I thought great relationship for a year. He said he was leaving and even spoke about marriage. When I got pregnant, he immediately almost shut me out, and eventually kind of came around. However, that hurt me so much because he was all I had for a whole year. He was also my boss. He told me for weeks to have an abirtion, it was best for out situation. He said he wanted to have kids with me, but not like this. It was also twins. I am 34 and I would have loved to have them. I also have a 7 year old son. We were inseparable.
Now I have lost my job, I suffer from severe depression, and worse of all I am detached from my son. I also look completely different, which makese not want to go anywhere. Which, sucks, cause I know that would help so much. But I feel embarrassed. Also everyone found out- so I feel I am constantly judged. I feel like it all fell on me and he just got to keep his job, marriage, and then all he does is say it’s not healthy for us to talk. When he is like the only one I can speak to- everyone else tells me I am selfish and should be grateful for what I have. I am – but I am so distraught from the devastation this has caused in my life. I loved MYJOB, and I rely did love him. I feel abandoned and I feel like I am bad at everything. When before this, I was very confident. I see my son doesn’t even like me anymore. I have a new job, and I hate it. I even wrecked my car. I want help and I want to get better for my son- but I think I look so ugly and can’t bear to leave my house.
Any suggestions ??
Hi Sara, thank you for sharing your story here. I’m so sorry about the pain you are going through. I hope you were able to read this page and find some helpful information. Please consider contacting one of the resources listed above for help. There are people available who want to listen, talk to and support you without judgement — just help. Anything you tell them will be confidential and the support is free.
Although it can be hard to take that first step, please reach out for your own sake and that of your son. Things are dark now but they can get better with help. You don’t have to go through this alone.
were to start I was forced into an abortion by my ex the day after it was done he confessed he had girlfriend all the time he was with me n the only reason he forced abortion cos he didn’t want her to find out he’s bin living a double life couldn’t believe it against everything I believed in I did the unthinkable n now I’m completely lost drink all the time sleep my days away am on tablets to pick me up but they don’t work the pain is so deep that weekend destroyed my life destroyed who I am I don’t know how to find myself I can’t stop seeing my baby its eyes how tiny it was I took the tablets one one day one the next God help me for what I’ve done I regret every minute so wish I could turn back time it’s been a year will the pain or images ever stop I really can’t take no more I hate myself what n who do I turn too when no body cares
Joanne, I am so sorry for your pain. Please know that you are not alone. If you are visiting this page I hope you have read it through and found the information at the bottom to different organizations that offer support. Even if you are nervous about contacting them, please do so. I promise that they won’t judge and are there to listen and help. It may seem hopeless right now but things can get better. Please reach out for help.
Have you tried calling one of the hotlines yet? If not, please do. There are women who have been exactly where you are who want to help you. Try 1-657-464-7071, and/or 1-877-586-4621, and/or 1-877-467-3463 and/or 1-866-482-5433.
There is a lot of understanding and support out there for you. Just have the patience and courage to find it.
You are in our prayers. Do not give up hope. The whole message of this Easter season is that God’s mercy can transform our sins and suffering into an opportunity to receive His life transforming, healing grace.
All is not lost. You will one day see your child in the arms of Christ. And in the meantime, God will use this experience of your broken heart to remake you into a better person, one who understands and has mercy on others and can reach out to help them, just as these other healed women want to help you. Remember, God loves a humble and contrite heart (Psalm 51:17). Your sorrow is an invitation to receive God’s grace. Please accept it, and the help of those who have already been there and found it.
I have read the commentaries on this website with great emotion.
All my life I dreamt of having a child and I tried very hard to get pregnant which I finally did at age 40. The problem was however that I was sick – in a depression and the depression and anxiety got much, much worse with the pregnancy and I developed physical problems as well. I was hospitalized and given drugs but they didn’t help. I was more or less abadoned by the specialist doctors who provided no advice. I could not eat, drink or sleep for weeks. I felt suicidal- like throwing myself out the window because the anxiety was so bad – near psychotic. Also my digestive system was totally blocked (I didn’t have a BM for over six weeks – until after the abortion). Finally it seemed to me and to my family that I was dying and that I would be incapable of carrying the pregnancy through to term, so my GP organized for me to have an abortion at 10 weeks. It was totally horrible and I wished afterwards that I had just let myself die. My gynecologist said it was a question for me of life or death and friends to whom I have told my story have said that I shouldn’t feel guilty because I just physically couldn’t get through the pregnancy. But I am traumatized 9 years later, I can only think of how old my child would be even though I honestly believe I would not have survived the pregnancy (I am also anorexic…) I have continually looked for information on the web, but find nothing for people having gone through an abortion for MEDICAL reasons. Although initially my health improved after the abortion because I could take medication, I have been in a deep depression ever since, taking loads of drugs, being hospitalized and recently undergoing electro convulsive therapy. Seeing pregnant women and young mothers is terrible for me and I cannot bond with children. I just want to hide. I feel my abortion was inevitable given the state I was in (my doctor even thought that I was to weak to undergo the anesthesia needed for the surgical abortion), but at the same time I am utterly miserable. My only “consolation” is that both the Christian and Jewish religions believe that in case of danger to the mother’s and unborn child’s health, the mother must be saved first of all. But sometimes (often?) I just wish I’d let myself die rather that undergo the abortion.
I live in the Czech Republic so I don’t have access to your help groups. Can you advise me? Thanks.
Aleksandra, I am so sorry for this very difficult experience and the pain you must be feeling. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers, and that God loves you and is close to you in your pain.
I do not know anything about help groups in the Czech Republic, but I did some searching online and found found a list of pregnancy centers that likely also offer such help. The list is here: http://www.ramahinternational.org/international.html. Also, is there anyone you can trust, such as a priest, pastor, family member or close friend to talk with you? Your local Roman Catholic diocese probably has someone who would be able to advise you (even if you are not Catholic).
Aleksandra, you might also want to check out these pages where you can get support and encouragement through email. It is run by Rachel’s Vineyard, which offers support after abortion:
http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/contact/email-support.htm
http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/qa/forum-list.aspx
I feel desperate right now I have had my first abortion when I was 16, I did not want to disappoint my parents so I chose abortion, I ended the relationship with that boyfriend, I felt no regret and I felt relieve after I did it and I was able to move on after that I had 2 children with my current partner after that I became pregnant 3 more times in which I chose to have abortion on 2 of them and 1 miscarriage..after I did it I seem to do fine but after 4 years of the last one I now feel an overwhelming feeling of guilt, depression, anxiety and I don’t know what to do, I became a christian less than a year ago and I think that’s how the guilt started to come out of me, I really want to get better and heal to be able to take care of my children, they don’t deserve to have a mother that is crying and in bed most of the day..I feel like if there is no way out of my pain and I will always stay like this. I really love my current partner and I want to stay with him despite everything we have been going through. I have been feeling like this for a month now and I know it takes time to heal but I don’t want to feel like this anymore..I wonder if is still too early to go and look for help. I wonder if I’m always going to feel like this. Thank you!
Andrea, it is never too early (or too late) to seek help if you are struggling. It’s fairly common for women not to experience emotional distress until later in life, such as after having a child. Healing can take time, but with the right support things can get better. Please consider contacting one of the organizations listed on this page and talking with them about what you are experiencing. Many of them have been where you are now and they want to help! Please know that you are not alone and that things can get better.
I had an abortion in June this year. it feels like its becoming an increasingly emotional disturbance. I am a single mom of two kids. I am an alcoholic. When I found out I was pregnant I was sleeping with one guy regularly and another guy once in awhile, and I really had no way of knowing which one of them was the father. That is the single most important factor that made me choose abortion. otherwise I was convinced I could be strong enough to carry the baby to term and give the baby up for adoption. BUT I was drinking heavily and working at a dental office where we routinely use nitrous, which is also not good for a pregnant woman to be around. I was devastated, I had never been a person to have more than one sexual partner but I was going through a promiscuous stage after finally leaving my kids dad and the long term abusive relationship of nine horrific years. It makes me sick to look back at my decisions and the way I have been acting. I feel angry all the time, my kids really annoy me, and I feel very guilty. I think its the alcoholism that’s making me depressed and I am going to a residential treatment program next month.
The guy that paid for the abortion and drove me to the clinic and stood by me quit speaking to me a week later. I never heard from him again. I called and texted, no response. I don’t know if he realized somehow that I was sleeping with someone else, or if he was just so disgusted in my being so irresponsible that he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. That part really really hurts a lot. I told my sister, but she was and still is pregnant …and there is no one else that I really want to tell. So I feel like isolated and alone and I wish this guy would talk to me but i also feel guilty because he paid 500 for the abortion and it might not even have been his baby. I feel like a dishonest, immoral person. I cry literally all the time. i had to quit my job a couple months ago because i was crying so much and i don’t know why. i have just recently accepted that maybe the alcohol addiction is my main problem and is causing most of the emotional trauma but also that having an abortion was a really difficult thing to go through.
Patricia, I’m so sorry for the loss, pain and trauma you have been through. Please know that no matter how hard things are right now, it can get better. You are not alone in your experiences and struggles. I hope you have read through this page and will contact one of the groups listed for support. It might be hard to do at first but they really want to be there for you. Many have been where you are and want to help other women who are struggling. At the very least they can provide a listening ear and some encouragement before you go into your treatment program, and be there for you afterward.
I had 2 medical abortions within a year when I was a 16/17 year old. I was coerced into it by my mother and father and the babies father and I went along with what everyone else wanted and did not stand up for myself. I tried to commit suicide by taking an overdose and hid this too for years along with the horrendous feelings of guilt of having the terminations . I was put on a contraception injection before leaving the hospital, which I stayed on for 22 years so as to avoid ever getting pregnant again and feeling the same pain. I then came off the injection and had 3 miscarriages within a year and a half period at age 37/38. I am 41 now and know that I will never have a child and I feel horrific inside. I have abused substances ever since the first abortion and I have had 7 attempts at taking my own life, the most recent one being a year ago. I have been looking at Rachels vineyards online and am considering attending one although I do not expect it to take away the damage and self hatred which is ingrained in me. I do not believe in God and have never been comfortable with religion although I always thought when I was a young girl that “God would punish me” for what I had done and it became true as I had the miscarriages, I believe, as punishment. I cannot go on like this for the rest of my life. I cannot hold down proper relationships and cannot bear to be around my friends when they fall pregnant and I lose them due to this reaction. I am stone cold and empty inside and although the substance abuse seemed to fill this for years I have stopped taking drugs and self harming but the feelings are as raw as the day I first became a murderer. I don’t know what else I can do but I know I cannot live out the rest of my life as a bitter and lonely old woman. I don’t see how a weekend retreat can heal this – especially when I am of no religion. Can anyone advise me otherwise, has anyone on this site ever been to one of these retreats or know of anyone who healed from this? I have so many regrets and I wish to get rid of the constant turmoil inside. Thanks in advance – Sharon
Sharon, I am so sorry about what you have been through. Have you called Rachel’s Vineyard to talk with them about your questions and concerns? I am sure they would be willing to answer any questions you might have and talk with you about the process. I don’t think you have to be religious or believe in God to attend the retreat — it’s open to everyone. Being “healed” will probably take longer than one weekend — like any grieving process, it happens over time. But having a chance to talk about your experiences in a supportive environment and getting some tools to help you work through the pain can be a beginning.
If it would help, here is a link to a chapter in a book co-written by the founder of Rachel’s Vineyard, which talks about the healing process: http://www.afterabortion.org/pdf/forbiddengriefch18.pdf. I hope this might be of help.
I had to go thru it 4yrs back ,because of financial and unsupportive husband. We were very young , and my husband freaked out and we took a decision.
Our struggle times ended
Now I am blessed with a beautiful child last year . but I am unable to forget and forgive myself , I feel am angry on my husband all the time.
How do I deal , pls reply ,this is the first time I am talking about it.
Ann, I’m so sorry for what you have been through, and that you are still struggling. Thank you so much for commenting here with your story.
I hope the information on this page is helpful. I would suggest contacting one of the organizations listed above in the “Organizations, resources and links” section and asking how they can help. As mentioned above, there are many different kinds of groups and kinds of help available. So feel free to ask lots of questions and try different organizations until you find one that you are comfortable with.
Any information you share with them will be confidential. In most cases, the support is free. Some of the groups are run by women who struggled after abortion and want to help others; other groups are run by counselors or mental health professionals. All of them want to help and be there to support you.
Please know that you are not alone and that help is available.
I just had an abortion yesterday and all I’m doing is crying wishing I never did it. Wishing I can have my baby back. My heart really hurts idk what to do ? I can’t talk to my mom because she doesn’t know I was pregnant and worst she doesn’t know I had an abortion. My partner is acting like nothing is wrong when I try to talk about it he quickly changes the subject. I feel so alone I regret it so much I just want my baby back inside of me.
Dear Kay,
I understand and am sorry for all you are going through right now. The feeling of being alone can be so intense, especially when others don’t want to talk about it and when you are afraid of talking to those who might understand.
While I hope your partner will open up and become understanding, I don’t want to give you false hope that he will. For many men, their own way of dealing with it compels them to avoid thinking and talking about it. It may be harder on him than you think . . . or he may subconsciously know that if he opens up to your pain he will be opening up his own feelings to regrets he doesn’t want to face.
I don’t know if talking to your mom will help, but if you think she can handle it and be supportive, it may be very well worth it. Can you imagine ever telling her? Or to put it another way, are you really prepared to keep it a secret forever? Secrets between people can harm relationships, and can be very stressful. If you think you will eventually be able to tell her, then I’d suggest that you give strong consideration to telling her sooner rather than later . . . like within a few days, so you can share your grief with her now and receive whatever understanding and support she can give you. If you’re afraid of her being upset or disappointed with you . . . then try to accept that those negative feelings will quickly pass and be replaced with love, concern, support, and true understanding. Parents don’t always react to such news with immediate calm and grace . . . but most come around quickly to be supportive. Do you think your mother can pull it off?
The other option, as you’ve on this page regarding post-abortion help and healing, is to call one of the post-abortion help hot lines to talk to someone who has been in your shoes, found healing, and is prepared to listen, support, and help you along the path to healing. Even if you tell your mother, and your partner becomes a wonderful support, you should still do this. You need the support not only of loved ones, who may often not know how to be truly helpful but can at least be loving, you need the support of someone trained in post-abortion healing.
You are in my prayers.
Thank you for your words, I feel a bit better just knowing that someone, somewhere, has heard my voice and can show me empathy and compassion. I have told my sister how I feel, how sorry I am and how I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could wake up and find that what’s happened isn’t true, and not to remember the horror of what I’ve done. I will look for counselling and therapy for both myself and my sister who is still in very dark place. Thank you for the work you are doing, thank you for caring. This website has been a great help to me. Thank you again for your reply and for hearing me. I am so grateful to you.
You are very welcome. And thank you for your encouraging words. You are in my prayers.
My sister confided in me seven weeks ago that she was pregnant. My response was, are you going to keep it? She answered, I don’t know, it is a life. I said, yes.
My biggest regret is my reaction to the news that she was pregnant….she came to me, vulnerable and trusting, and my ignorance led to her aborting her baby at 15 weeks. The abortion was a week ago. I knew it was wrong, morally, but I viewed it as some kind of necessary evil given her history of depression, her difficult relationship with her on and off bf, the baby’s father, and her economic circumstances. She had decided to keep the baby, I was relieved, but a week later she had a fight with the father and then she called me to in tears saying it was a mistake not to have had the abortion and she wanted it done as soon as possible. My mum and I were the only ones who thought the abortion was a good idea. Everyone else in the family was dramatically opposed to abortion. So I advised my sister to call my mum. My mum took her to have the abortion, and I paid for it. On that morning, my sister changed her mind and begged my mum not to make her go, but my mum forced her to go saying she was wasting everyone’s time and money! The abortion happened. It has been the worst experience of my life and I wasn’t even the one having the baby pulled out of my womb. My sister was a moment away from killing herself three days after the abortion and I had to call her bf who had broken up with her and blocked her on social media, to go to her and be by her side just to keep her from taking her own life. Now, after this experience, I am vehemently opposed to abortion, and I cannot understand how it can be legal. How can it be legal in countries that call themselves Christian countries! Why are doctors not educated about the research on how abortion affects the woman? And how can we get sites like this popping up when women do google searches on, say, cytotec, Marie stopes, abortion clinic. If only I had educated about what abortion actually is, what it does to women, and if only I had put it to prayer. I am a Christian yet I had drifted away from God. I have come back to God through this, asking for forgiveness and healing. My grief is unbearable, and I fear my sister will never get over the loss of her baby.
Dear Janine,
My heart goes out to you, your sister, you mum, and everyone involved. It’s so easy to get sucked into the idea . . . the hope . . . that abortion will simply unwind this problem or that one without bringing on new problems, perhaps worse ones.
If you have not yet told her, tell your sister how sorry you are and how you wish you had known better. Encourage her to seek post-abortion counseling. You may benefit from post-abortion counseling yourself, too. You didn’t actually have the abortion, but you did participate in the decision and also lost a niece or nephew. You might also offer to go through a program with her to give each other support.
You and your sister are in my prayers.
Hi I just recently had a medical abortion. I seriously feel so much guilt and traumatized. I feel so bad I couldn’t keep it. My boyfriend and I decided it was best because we aren’t financially stable and are not living together my house is small and so is his so we didn’t have any place for it to live. We just did not want to bring a baby into this world for it to suffer along with us. But I still feel terrible. I just cry at random times and I don’t think I’ll be happy for a while what can I do to stop feeling this way?
There is no quick fix. The best thing I can advise you to do is to call one of the hotlines listed on this page.
Hi,
I got pregnant, am not married. I and my boyfriend weren’t able to bring up the baby, so we decided to abort my parents are very strict, couldnt tell them about this.
I took the pills “Cytotec” on Saturday night. Now its Tuesday. M still having severe pain cramps and bleeding.
What should i do to heal myself? Is there anything? I honestly dont know much about these things. Please help me? I feel like every moment m just dieing. I seriously need someone to help me?
Thank you
I can’t give medical advice, but if you call Option Line at 1-800-712-4357 they can probably put you in touch with a doctor who can help determine if there is anything that can be done to help you.
I had an abortion the day before yesterday. At that point I felt it was the best thing to do but felt miserable the second it was done.
For sure I want my baby back its all I think about. I’ll never ever hold him and he didn’t do nothing to deserve a life cut short. I was getting sick and losing weight because I couldn’t even stand the smell of anything. I was stressed so much I felt justified then, but not anymore. I’m back to my normal self. It’s hard to even eat knowing I sacrificed my own baby to get back my appetite. It was difficult to even take a bath this morning.
I can’t concentrate at work, I keep checking how his developments were (at 7 wks). Will I ever get thru this? I have a 3-year-old boy already. I cant stand his innocent eyes knowing I killed his sibling. What kind of a mum am I?
From here, how do I move on knowing by Feb next year was going to have a baby? The symptoms vanished on the instant and that instead of making me better makes it even worse. I am incomplete. I just can’t get his sonar pic out of my mind. I hate my partner for not trying to change my mind. I hate myself for giving up on my own baby. Instead of protecting him I’m the one who hurt him. I might as well die like him.
Dear Aedan,
I pray you will immediately start looking for a post-abortion healing support group. Find someone you can talk to. You especially need some help thru these first weeks and months. It’s probably too early to start a program, but it’s not too early to have someone who can listen to you and support you.
Have you spoken to your partner about your guilt and pain? Hopefully he can be supportive. At the very least, he needs to understand that you are going through a tremendous amount of suffering now so he can give you either the space or the closeness (or both) that you may need.
I understand your anger toward him, and perhaps he deserves it. But be careful how you express it to him. Explain how you can’t help feeling angry at him and everyone (including the abortion providers, I assume), who might have talked you out of it. But also assure him that you understand that he was perhaps just trying to respect your decision . . . but in 20-20 hindsight, you wish he had somehow known how to change your mind. In other words, tell him about the feelings of anger you have, but also admit that you understand that he did no mean any harm, and indeed was probably trying to be supportive of the abortion to support your decision . . . which may have put him in a tough spot.
The point is to let him know that you are struggling with hatred of yourself, and him, because your feelings of grief are so intense. At the same time, don’t let your anger push him away. Try to help him understand that you can’t fully control your feelings, and that some of them may be unfair, and that you want to work through them, but for now, they are there and your struggling with loving yourself and him.
Ask him to help you find grief counseling or post-abortion healing support.
Countless women have been through the same feelings you are facing now. Many of these women are now providing post-abortion healing programs to help others, using their own experiences for wisdom and strength.
Don’t give up hope. Don’t hurt yourself. Even the worst experiences can be ones from which we learn and grow and become more understanding, compassionate, and stronger people. I pray that you will find the people and support to help this be true in your case, as well.
in Oklahoma City, Ok, is there help available for older women who had abortions their 20’s, but now that they’re reaching the elderly years, theyve become overwhelmed with guilt and fear of being alone in their old age.
i have a sister who is currently in great distress because of two abortions 50+ years ago.
are there resources for women who are struggling with this latent phenominon ?
Please send your reply to the email adress above.
Thank you,
I only know of the same programs and resources we have recommended other women, regardless of age.
I don’t know where to start. I was just browsing through trying to find out information that would strengthen me from bad feeling of abortion, I happened to find this site, I am very glad to have found it since I have already learnt something. I am 27 years and have done abortion 6 months ago at 19 weeks. My boyfriend knew about the pregnancy but I lied to him and said I miscarried. We were both not ready for the second child (1st child is 2 years old). The reasons I decided on the abortion were 1) I had been retrenched and depended on him for the basic things of leaving; 2) He had been having an affair that kept us fighting always; led him to say many things that shocked me about his feelings; making me to doubt and lose trust on him; He even told me more that 3 times to leave his space saying he doesn’t care where I go (knowing very well that I have no where else to hide and then, I was pregnant already) though he never laid a hand on me; 3) I was in the process of completing my Postgrad; 4) I am coming from a poor and strict family, they could not have been able to take care of my child. I am now suffering from guilt, low self-esteem, negativity, I feel dirty although I know that my life possibly could’ve been a mess with the child because I couldn’t be working, I could not have coped with my exams. My boyfriend is now as sweet as ever, he completely changed after the abortion but never talked to me about anything regarding his previous actions. I have been very distant from him, I have had low sex drive, I just develop anger from what he did every time he tries to show love. He is very quiet naturally and sometimes does not speak even when I have developed means to make him speak. He finds it hard to express himself in a conversation and makes me not sure where he stands. I would like to get an advice on whether to tell him the truth, I will first need to be ready to lose him and I am so afraid.
I had mine Nov 1st 2013. I would do anything to take it back. I honestly felt forced by my family and the father. I’ve never told anyone that. I also have a four year old daughter. I know i couldnt take on another baby in my situation. But i feel like a murder. I was 15 weeks i could feel it move, i could already tell it was going to have one hell of a personality. Anyways after i did it everyone acted like nothing happend when i would try to talk about it i would get ignored or pushed away. Im very depressed i need help, im not sure how much longer i can do this.
I’m sorry to hear that your friends and family are unable or unwilling to listen to you. Sadly, that’s rather common. Most people just feel too uncomfortable listening and talking about an abortion. Often, they’re afraid they will say the wrong thing. Other times, they really just have no clue . . . and perhaps are afraid to even think about it “too much.”
I hope you have called one of the hotlines listed in the resource section of our Hope and Healing page. If you haven’t, please do. I think it will really help you to talk to someone who has been through the same thing and has also worked through the healing.
Don’t give up hope. There really are people and resources that can help you to heal, learn, and grow.
I had an abortion December of 2010. I cut myself, cry, feel depressed and constantly feeling guilt and like I have NO support from my boyfriend till date. He got a child from a woman that was a “rebound” and supported her through out everything till date. that child is his “everything” cause he never got love as a child from his parents. that child “3 years old” making up rumours of me stabbing him and hitting him ” Even bought a house for the child”. I hate the child(HURT)(why did that child deserve a chance of life and mine did not?)why should I pretend and be happy with that child and he could not give me a chance of happiness..he convinced me to go for an abortion as my parents would never have approved but I did it because that is exactly what he wanted. Here I am 3 years later supporting him through everything he has to go through but yet I am the one in need of support and I am not getting it. As soon as I speak about it he will tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and that I am pretending. He has no idea what goes on in my heart and how I feel. I have so much hatred towards that child and him. Am I crazy or what can I do? I went to see a psychologist, but all she asked me is “How do you feel now” and how does that make you feel…I stopped going immediately cause she was no help. I am contemplating of walking out on this relationship, unless he pays his child support and stop seeing that child. I think he is staying with me to see me hurt, he is an evil man. when that child is not around he is perfect, as soon as he sees the child we argue…Sick and tired and emotionally devastated!!!
Dear Lea,
Clearly, you are not in a healthy relationship with this man. The resentment you feel toward his other child, especially given his lack of support for your child, is perfectly understandable. On the other hand, it is also understandable that he may be pouring love into this other child to make up for his pushing you into the abortion . . . pouring love that should have been available to both children into the only one he has left. In other words, he may be hiding his own conflicted feelings and grief and guilt over the abortion by proving to himself that he can be a good father to this other child while at the same time trying to hold onto you and to convince you (and himself) that he didn’t hurt you and your child. In short, he’s mixed up. And you’re hurting, too, and trying to hold on and let go and heal and forget . . . all at the same time . . . and it’s just too much to sort through, especially without help.
I don’t know enough to give you specific advice about breaking up, but I do know that he is not the one who can help you work through your own grief and suffering regarding your abortion. He’s too involved in it and too self-absorbed and he just doesn’t have enough insights and compassion to offer you. You really need to find a post-abortion counseling program, with trained, experienced counselors who have been through the same loss you have experienced and have worked through it and can help you do the same. If there is any hope for your relationship with him, it will only appear after you have been through your own healing. And as you found out, a general psychologist isn’t generally well equipped to help with post-abortion healing issues. Call a post-abortion healing hotline or program leader today. Don’t put it off. Take care of yourself. Find support people that understand what you are going through and can offer real help.
You are in our prayers.
Thank you for having this page. I have really been struggling with my medical abortion 3 years ago. It is haunting to me. My story is similar to others. In school, unsupportive boyfriend convincing me why it is stupid for me to even think of having a child, and being completely non-supportive. I felt like I had no other choice, and the people at the abortion clinic tried to convince me why the abortion pill was so similar to birth control. So what’s the difference they said? Well I can tell them that it is a huge difference, both are wrong but honestly I can no longer function properly because of the heartache it has caused me. The only time I’m not thinking about it is when I’m sleeping, but it is definitely the first thing I think of when I wake up and when I go to bed, and the entire day actually. The first couple of seconds of my day are the best I’ve had, until I think about oh yea, I did that. I’ve told my mother, and she came with me to a Rachels Vineyard retreat. It helped for a few days after, but honestly it was only temporary. I’ve thought about suicide and really feel like it’s the only way out of the constant ups and downs. I’ve seen a psychologist, tried numerous medications, and even talked to my priest about it multiple times. Like others that posted above, I can’t even bear to look at a child under 5 or a pregnant woman without wanting to hide in a corner from the shame and guilt. Will this EVER go away? I feel like everyday is a struggle and I have no reason to live anymore. Thank you for listening.
I’m sorry to hear that you are still stuck in your grief even after attending a Rachel Vineyard retreat and have seen a psychologist. Are you still in touch with any of the Rachel’s Vineyard people? Or someone else in another post-abortion ministry? I suggest you ask one of them to literally befriend you and become, at least for a time, a life coach / mentor . . . someone you can talk to for at least a few minutes every day. Perhaps you could also offer to help out at the next retreat, even if it is just doing setup and clean up. My hope is that with time, and with seeing how other people are coping better and healing, that whatever aspect of the healing experience is delayed or incomplete may eventually click in place for you.
If your chief obstacle is, as you suggest a continuing struggling with “shame and guilt,” you may benefit from repeating the weekend or more spiritual counseling regarding God’s mercy. Looking at this from a spiritual viewpoint, as I’m sure you have been told, your God loves a penitent heart, which you have and His mercy is being poured out to you. But the devil wants to deny you the peace of living in Christ’s mercy, and so is tempting you to doubt God’s forgiveness and to cling to your shame and guilt (perhaps with the false suggestion that if you give up your shame and guilt you are no longer honoring the memory of your aborted child). You must resist this temptation to despair. That is from the devil. Christ want’s you to embrace hope . . . which is rooted in His Mercy. Please read our “sermons” on the temptations which prevent post-abortion healing.
You made the mistake once of rejecting a gift of God’s love, when you rejected giving birth to your aborted child. But God’s mercy and love is so great that He is offering you another great gift: complete forgiveness and new life and new hope and new joy in becoming a new person in Christ. The one and only thing you can do to truly honor this Gift Giver, is to accept His mercy, accept His forgiveness, and embrace the hope and joy that He wants you to have. Everything else, everything black which is sucking you into darkness, is from the evil one who wants to deny you God’s peace and joy.
I know that doesn’t make it easy to not feel depressed and suicidal . . . but I want you to know the source of these negative feelings. If you have doubts, read and learn until you truly believe in God’s mercy and forgiveness. Then, even if your emotions are depressed and guilty, use acts of will and intellect to slowly change those emotions, by praying, whenever you feel shame and guilt about the past abortion: “Thank you Jesus. Thank you for your forgiveness. Thank you for caring for my child until I can be reunited with her and you.” And just repeat these prayers of thanks, and praise, twenty or thirty times, focusing on the light instead of the darkness which wants to envelope you.
If you can develop a habit of praying with thanks for forgiveness every time you doubt your forgiveness, I truly think you’ll make progress . . . especially if you find a mentor/sponsor and otherwise surround yourself with people who will help you through the toughest days.
You are in our prayers. Please, never give up hope. You are forgiven. Any time you doubt that, you are being tempted. Fight that temptation with prayers of thanks and praise. You can and do deserve a new life in Christ. And it is there if you persevere in claiming it.
Hi…thanks for your reply on my issue of abortion….but things are gettin out of control and my girlfriend is even thinking of ending her life and I am trying so hard for her but her parents are drastically pressuring her to do abortion…I suggested to her why can’t she go and see professional help and maybe that could help her decide,and now her dad is also not supporting her…I am so helpless and sad and my gf is now feeling like a bad person even before she can go through the abortion and she feels everyone is turning her back on her especially her friend and she is the only child to her parents and she is almost 22yrs old…….I am really giving up the fight to keep my baby alive and this is killing me and her…….I really don’t know where to from here and on the other hand I havnt told my parents but I know they are very supportive in everything that happens to me and my brothers they won’t have a problem about my gf pregnancy the only problem they wil have I think is what my gf’s parents want to do…..I so wish abortion was not legalised is destroying people’s lives!……I FEEL HELPLESS…….and I have shown her your reply from my first comment
Are you located in the United States or somewhere else?
In any event, please look at your page on resources for those facing a crisis pregnancy. I really think it would help for her to talk to older women, mother figures, at a pregnancy help center who will get behind her and help intervene with her parents. They can give a lot of emotional support, the kind women need from other women, which you can’t.
Also check out this page from the Center Against Forced Abortions which may provide some leverage for her against her parents.
Help her be strong. Always stir up her hope. Promise her that all the two of you need to do is the right thing, protect your baby, and in time it will all work out. Eventually, at least after the baby has been born, her parents will come around and will be glad for their grandchild. Right now they are too focused on their plans for her future, their disappointment at seeing her education plans disturbed. They aren’t seeing the truth that this baby is a real baby, and even more, their own grandchild whom they will love!
Remind her that their upsettedness and anger will pass. She needs to be strong and resist being bullied . . . because giving in will not only cost her a child, it will actually hurt both her and her parents. In giving them a grandchild, she’ll be giving them a blessing they will always treasure . . . even if at the present time they are convinced it is the wrong time for her to have a baby.
You are in my prayers.
Hi There
I had an Abortion 2 and a half weeks ago, I know it’s still fresh on my mind but i do not regret it, it was the best decision i could have done for myself at the time. Ever since my abortion I cannot handle being around children. Whenever my boyfriends nieces come over I feel panicked and I want to separate myself from them, I always used to be so involved with them now being near them makes me want to put a emotional shield up. What is this? will it go away with time?
Hi Kayla,
Your note indicates a divided mind. On a practical level, you believe your decision was the best one for meeting your own needs at this time. Being unencumbered by a child makes sense, at least for now. On the other hand, at an emotional level, your emotions are not fully in line with your practical, decision making mind. That is very common following an abortion. These new feelings of panic and aversion you feel around small children is because your boyfriend’s nieces trigger an emotional connection to the absence of the child you could have borne, a loss that you have not yet grieved or fully confronted. In other words, even if a choice is best at a rational level, that does not satisfy the emotional levels of your being. Your abortion choice has emotional implications which simply can’t be resolved, controlled, or eliminated by rational arguments regarding why it was the best practical choice.
This trigger, being around your boyfriends nieces, may remain or it may move to different kinds of triggers. An extended discussion of triggers and intrusive feelings and thoughts is found in Forbidden Grief. If you want to read a bit more about the variety of post-abortion issues women face and how they work through them, I’d suggest getting a copy from your local library.
I certainly don’t want to talk you into looking for or having more negative, intrusive feelings than you are already having. On the other hand, I also don’t want to suggest that you should ignore or suppress them, which may lead to more severe reactions if suppressed feelings burst out some years later, for example, when you later carry a wanted pregnancy to term.
In response to your question, “will it go away with time?”, I must say that while this symptoms of intrusive negative feelings and thoughts may shift ground and be triggered by different circumstances, it is unlikely to go away completely until you finally confront and work through a post-abortion grief process.
There is just one key point I want you to remember. There are many women who have gone through what you have and have faced much worse in the way of negative reactions, and they have found peace and healing and they want to help you find healing, too.
When the time comes when you could really benefit from the ear of someone who won’t judge but also knows enough to give you good advice and guidance, please call one or more or the post-abortion ministries listed in the resource section at the bottom of our Help & Healing page.
Hi Back,
Not sure if you will read this since it has almost been a year since your original post. However, I thought I’d share my thoughts and you can pray about them, then take them or leave them.
First of all, I want to emphasize something. God loves you. Christians today, especially sweet, innocent, Christ-following young women, often forget that whenever they do something they thought they would never do. If you are one of those people, this inevitably has been shocking, if not painful. It may be so painful in fact that you don’t allow yourself to feel the pain. Your logic protects you. “We barely knew each other”. “I was in no place to be a mother”. “This was best for my child and I won’t do what my mother did to me”. Etc Etc. These are common thoughts, and they are probably true. However, in my opinion, they need to be balanced by allowing yourself to acknowledge other thoughts. Thoughts like “Lord, I’m hurting”. “God, I can’t believe I did this.” “Lord, I’m scared people may find out and am afraid they will judge me”. These are all real thoughts too that you need to work through and not ignore. Feeling panicked around your boyfriends nieces may be an experience that brings many of the fears you have about what has happened to the surface, and it is a natural tendency to want to panick and run away. That’s what we do when we have pain.
My advice is three-fold: I would allow myself to grieve properly. The best way to do that is to find someone, preferably an older, loving believer who knows you well, and open up to them. You need to feel loved and to love yourself again if you are struggling with feelings of guilt. If you aren’t struggling with those feelings, it may be a sign of a hardened heart. You don’t need to beat yourself up, your sins were forgiven long ago and every human being who has ever lived has done things they are ashamed of, shocked at, or disappointed in themselves with. To heal though, you need to seek guidance from someone you trust.
My other advice if you read this, is to take an inventory of your life. You are reaching out in an anonymous forum. You did so shortly after your abortion because the internet is safe. Over the past year, has God provided you with opportunities to heal in “real” life over this? How has this decision impacted your relationship with others, including your boyfriend? Has this been an experience that has grown your faith and brought you closer to the Lord? If not, I want you to know that it can and it’s never too late to turn to him. If you are using logic to justify something you probably used to feel was “wrong”, you may want to ask God to search your heart, and to use this experience to bring you closer to Him. He loves you. He’s not mad. You aren’t bad. And He can use this for His glory and YOUR growth in Him.
Thirdly, don’t trust your logic or your heart until you are on solid ground, have healed, and have gotten healing and wisdom from those God has provided to you. I know from experience that you will likely need help to learn how to properly grieve this so you can move on with your life. Talk to a pastor, a trusted friend or read books about healing and growth. Do all of them. When people don’t know how to grieve, or haven’t grieved serious wounds properly, they are in danger of making poor decisions moving forward, to shut themselves out to the world around them, to fear intimacy with others, and to be double minded and blinded by deceit. Grieving tends to occur in certain phases. You need to learn about those and recognize them, and to also recognize the potential pitfalls of each step if not done properly and with the support of others who love you. For example, most people go through denial, anger, bargaining/magical thinking and depression before they finally come to acceptance and healing. Some of those steps are dangerous without help. Depression can hurt for years. Bargaining can lead to bad choices. “Lord, I hate what I did, but I will marry my boyfriend some day and do this the right way if you forgive me, I want to be a good mother and will stay with him and correct my wrong by having children with him some day if you will bless us.” You are already blessed, but may decieve yourself into thinking that you should stick with your current boyfriend to “right your wrongs”. Even if you don’t realize it, and even if you change things in your relationship like being sexual and being more spiritual. Those are good things, but they don’t change Gods thoughts of you, His acceptance and love for you, and His plan for your life. Could your boyfriend be “the one”? Sure. But leave that to God. Plenty of couples have made the same mistakes and gone on to wonderful marriages. But many others stick together on a foundation of attachment instead of true friendship, shared interests, shared vision for life and true intimacy that God may want to provide you in someone else without the baggage that you will inevitably have with the boyfriend you had the abortion with.
Pray about this and then take it or leave it. Just thought I’d share my thoughts and will be praying for you. It’s been a year, and I hope you have found healing and even excitement and joy in The Lord that you were created to experience.
-Chuck
I need help. had abortion on the 31/07/13 and I regret the decision I made. I want my baby back, all the reasons I had do not make sense any more. all I know is that fear, uncertainty took over me. please I need to wake up from this nightmare.
I am so sorry for your experience. Please know that there are people available to talk to, find support from, give counseling, etc. You can find links for free and confidential help and information on our healing page at http://afterabortion.org/?page_id=3718. I would really encourage you to contact someone on this list to get started finding the help you need.
Thank you, both of you for your comments back I am so grateful for them. You have given me hope that I can recover from this I take all your help and advice on board and I really shall keep battling to find help out there for post-abortion. I can’t thank you enough, I really hope if I get through this to go on and help others in my situation
Surrendering the Secret Bible Study by Pat Layton is a wonderful source of healing and restoration.
http://www.surrenderingthesecret.com/
I had an abortion 5 weeks and 2 days ago and my baby was 11 weeks and 5 days old. I had a surgical abortion under general aneastetic. This was after a scan I first in which I kept picture of my little baby and I carry with me every second of every day. I even have to place them under my pillow at night to sleep, if I eventually manage to.
The abortion was not my decision I was put in a difficult position by my boyfriend and the abortion was what I chose. I regret it every second of every day. It’s on my mind all the time. I can’t think of a time I’m not thinking about the baby.
I have to admit at first because of the anesthetic it meant I didn’t remember the procedure although the room and the waste bag at the end of my bed and all the surgical tools, even the smell of the room are all too clear. But because I couldn’t remember the procedure I convinced myself I was still pregnant and it was all a bad dream. But a week later I started heavy abnormal bleeding with large clots which lead to me being hospitalised. Fortunately it was nothing serious but this whole event meant it was all too real that I had really lost my baby and I was no longer pregnant at all.
This realisation took a few days and I’ve always been good at masking my feelings to others and even myself sometimes. But as soon as I was alone I’d break down, I’d cry till I couldn’t breath at all and only stop to take a breath. It soon started showing through to my boyfriend and I’ve tried explaining to him how I feel but I don’t know how to he will ever understand that connection and attachment I felt with the baby. Most of all he knows it was his decision so he has that peace of mind. But I just feel stupid like I just went along with it and should’ve said no but never really did and all these questions are coming in my mind now and I don’t know about my future anymore I don’t even know who I am.
I’ve tried to seek help. I started self harming and one morning I woke up and realized how bad things had got and booked in for a doctor on the same day. Even here I received no help, but he didn’t know the full extent of what I was feeling.
I can’t sleep because I have nightmares I can’t concentrate because of the flashbacks. I can’t function or think properly because I block things in my memory out from that time, which makes me look dumb and stupid and forgetful. But I’m not. I’m really not. I’m just not me anymore, and suicide seems my only option. Nearly every day I think about it and I just want to get better and I’m the kind of person who can get what she wants if she tries hard enough, but that determination just isn’t there anymore and I really don’t know what to do.
Please don’t judge me I know what a terrible thing I’ve done and I deserve all the guilt and all of this for my actions. But I feel like I’m making the people around me suffer and I don’t want that. I just want to get better. I’m all alone in this. I feel so cut off from the world and the only reason I get up in the morning is the thought of seeing my boyfriend. I’ve become dependent on him and it’s not fair of me because he seems fine, no suffering at all and I don’t want to push it onto him. I don’t want to remind him of the baby every day. Does anyone have any advice on what is wrong with me or what I can do?- I’m sorry that’s all a bit of a short version. I’ve tried to get it all into one so it meant less reading for people.
Dear Jess,
Our hearts go out to you. Please continue to work hard against these self-destructive feelings and the tendency toward self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Healing is possible. Hang in there!
The most important thing to do right now is to call a post-abortion healing help line, one of the numbers listed in the resource section at the bottom of this page. You will soon find out you are not alone. There are so many women out there who have been where you are, have worked through it and found healing, and truly want to help you do the same. Perhaps someday you will be able to draw on your own experience to help other women, couples, and families.
If you have trouble finding a post-abortion healing program, please contact us again and tell us approximately where you live (city, country) and we’ll try to help you find one.
I understand that you are clinging to your boyfriend as the one good thing still in your life. I also understand that you are afraid to bring him down by admitting how much you are suffering right now. But your feelings matter, too. If he can’t accept and respect them and try to help you through this time . . . he’s really not the guy you deserve. Also, by not sharing your true feelings with him, you are actually depriving him the opportunity to step up and be the kind of guy you deserve.
It’s possible that he won’t stay with you. But if he won’t stay with you and stand by you through this grief, it’s not a question of if he will leave you but only of when. That’s why it’s so important for you to reach out right now and to start building a support network of others, including experienced post-abortion healing counselors. I truly pray your boyfriend will get on board and be supportive. Ideally, it would be best if he were to participate in a post-abortion healing program with you. His learning to understand your grief and to get inside your head and heart would actually make your relationship much stronger. But you can’t control him. All you can do is invite him to journey with you. If he chooses not to, well, that tells you a lot about him and where you fit into his priorities.
Please hang in there. Don’t give up hope. What you are going through is normal. Others who have been there can help you. Please call one of the hotlines at the bottom of the page on post-abortion healing resources.
I had a termination 3 months ago. Initially I felt relief. Now I find myself struggling to come to terms with it and grieving over the loss of my child. i was convinced by my partner that abortion was the only option for us. The day of procedure my partner broke up with me and never spoke to me again. I am an emotional mess. I don’t know what to do.
Dear Kirsty,
I’m sorry to hear about the “emotional mess” you are struggling through. Don’t give up hope. The loss of your child and your relationship are mixed together into a lot of grief, self-doubt, and self-blame.
I strongly encourage you to reach out to an experienced post-abortion healing ministry for help . . . which begins with just talking to someone who can non-judgmentally listen to you and show her understanding and give you the support and encouragement and tips for moving forward through the grief process to the healing process.
You are in my prayers.
I had an abortion about a month ago and was perfectly fine. Now a month later I find myself crying uncontrollably and starting to emotional disconnect from everybody. But it comes and goes its not a constant thing. Could this juss be hormones or should I start my journey and begin too seek healing.
It is unlikely just “hormones.” I would recommend talking to someone connected with an experienced post-abortion healing ministry sooner rather than later. Waiting, hiding under your covers, or developing habits of denial or “just coping” can make it more difficult to work through issues later…or at the very least, are likely to delay the healing that you can achieve. Please look at our tips for finding a post-abortion healing program that’s right for you.
My girl is so scared of getting pregnant again and the it’d she has is making her miserable what can I do
Did she have an abortion previously? If so, please encourage her to find a post-abortion healing counselor. It would be helpful if you agreed to go with her.
Regarding her fear about getting pregnant again, the solution is easy, but not one that you may like hearing. No more intercourse until you are married. Show her you love her by being willing to wait until the two of you are ready and committed to being able to support a child, whether the pregnancy is planned or a surprise. It is exactly for the reason of avoiding abortions and the harm it does to women, men, and families that “traditional moral beliefs” in every culture advise saving sex for marriage. Birth control failure outside marriage is so common, that it is a grave mistake to believe a pregnancy won’t happen just because you’re using birth control. Show her you love her by showing her you will wait for her until marriage.
I’m 3 months away from my wedding. Today would have made 6 weeks 4 days pregnant. I was forced to abort my child for the sake of saving face of my family but my fiance was against it. Yesterday I took the pills and until now I’m lying in bed falling apart. I feel as though I can’t control the glow of tears and my heart is ripping apart. How can I turn back the hands of time???? Someone please gel me
Hi Trish,
If you have taken abortion pills and are now regretting it, you might still have options. According to this group if it has been less than 24 (or even 72) hours and you haven’t taken the second pill (Cyrotec), it may be possible to stop the abortion. Here is the info from the site:
“Our goal is to start the reversal treatment within the first 24 hours of taking the abortion pill, mifepristone, also known as RU-486. However, we have had many successful reversals when treatment was started within 72 hours of taking the abortion pill.
“Even if 72 hours have passed, call our hotline (877) 558-0333. We are here to help. It may not be too late.”
I don’t know if reversal is possible in your case, but they will be willing to talk with you to find out what your options are.
Even if reversal isn’t possible, and you can’t change what has happened, please contact one of the groups above for counseling and support. They would love to talk with you and can help you work through this experience.
Please know that we will be praying for you, and contact us again if you need more help or information.
Nolwazi, grace and peace to you. I also had an abortion about 22 years ago. I found it hard to sleep at night and even harder to find forgiveness. I found it very hard to forgive myself. My road to recovery started when I asked God to forgive me. My burden was lifted even more when I asked the Father of the child to forgive me even though he was involved and went with me to the clinic. My closure came when I joined a Post Abortion Bible Study. Talking about it freed me from the terrible secret and loosed me from the heaviness of shame. There I learned that it was okay to experience anger, resentment, and fear of my secret being exposed. In the group we all gave our child a name. We don’t name them because of the shame and the secrecy of that terrible day. I believe it was a girl and her name is Zion Patrice. I pray your recovery.
G. Harrison, I’m experiencing the same thing 22 years later as I never got pregnant again & feel so lost with no children. My child was supposed to be severely handicapped due to medicine I had taken. Now that I’m a Christian I am so disappointed in myself that I didn’t have faith in God & have missed out on my ONE chance to have a child. Please pray for me as I’m fighting thru tears every day now for several months.
Hello Vicki,thanks for posting here. I will be praying for you and hope that you will seek help from one of the ministries listed on this page. Seeking help and talking about your grief will be hard, but they can help you through it. You are not alone in this — others have been were you are, and most of all, God is truly close to you in your suffering even when you can’t feel Him. I’m sure others who read your comment will be praying for you as well.
Vicki, my pain is similar to yours. It’s been about 26 years ago, which I kept to myself until I went on my first Project Rachel weekend two years ago. I feel the Mercy bestowed on me from God and even my daughter whom I named Alexandria Rachel.
Recently, due to a job change, buying a home and going after my dreams again have I found myself weeping or wanting to cry almost daily. I also have never had another child. I had a miscarriage in my marriage which did not last, but I left due to physical abuse.
My heart knows God forgives me, but I have no Mercy or forgiveness for myself. I cry for what I no longer have. I also cry and hurt in the bottom of my soul for taking another human life. The moral injury is the hardest for me to face. To live daily with knowing, I took the life of my own child.
When I am in better places, on other days, when I asked, I share I have a daughter… 26 years in heaven.
Even though you may never see this Vicki, please know your pain is prayed for in tandem with my own and all others who continue to feel the pain and moral injury of the belief we can never be the same again. At some level despite the hurt, we are stronger than we think…… We have survived with the pain, guilt and sadness all these years. My preference is to stay numb with my drug of choice being food…… But I get glimpses of what life could be and work on journeying towards that life.
We can be broke and even cracked without being completely broken. God has enough Mercy and love for you and for all of us. You may be like me, need to be more willing to have mercy on ourselves.
I need help, I am currently having a hard time dealing with my decision to have an abortion. i found out i was 12 weeks pregnant and immediately had an abortion after my man & I realised that our current situation did not allow us to have anymore kids. but i have been beating myself up ever since.
I understand what you’re going thru, Nolwazi. All I can suggest is that you call one of the post-abortion help groups listed on this page and find a woman, who has been through what you have and has worked through her own healing and been trained to help others to do the same. Don’t give up hope. But don’t just bury your feelings, either. Get some help.
Hi Nolwazi, where are you sis,just going through same situation as yours,pls talk if u want to, I really need help I’m killed inside. El may I pls have Nolwazi’s email please *cryes*
I’m sorry, but we cannot share anyone else’s email address. You are in our prayers.
I also had an abortion at 12 weeks. I found out my baby was going to be downs syndrome and we have a 16 year old with rett syndrome so we honestly didn’t want to see our baby suffer. I am having a hard time dealing with it because we wanted our baby but as a parent if s special needs child u see what kind of life they lead. Was very heaetbreaking. I don’t know how to mov forward either. Maybe we can help each other.
My girlfriend is very distant and she has almost zero emotion towards me what can I do ?
I wish I had an easy answer for you. Emotional distancing from others is very common after an abortion . . . especially from the male partner. She may not be ready to deal with her own emotions, or yours, but all you can do is try to show understanding for the turmoil and hurt that is inside her (and in yourself) whether or not it is fully recognized. I don’t know if you were encouraging or opposed to the abortion. But if in your heart you are now recognizing your own loss and failures, you might try telling her how you are feeling . . . whether sad, guilty, or regretful that you hadn’t been happy and supportive of having the baby. Whatever it is, you have to be honest. And to be honest, you may need to dig deeper into your own emotions . . . not just your thoughts, but what you are feeling on an emotional level . . . and then try to put yourself into her shoes and understand not just what she is thinking (though that, too), but what she is feeling . . . and afraid to feel.
Even a brief discussion of the hurt and grief you feel, and your concern for what she is going through (which she may shrug off and not want to discuss), can at least be the starting point for suggesting that maybe the both of you could benefit from talking to a post-abortion healing group like those listed on this page. Encourage her to read this page. It maybe that she’s not ready. Many people will pull in and isolate themselves and are afraid to open up their emotions, and there isn’t much you can do about it. But at least by (1) sharing your feelings, (2) showing openness and a desire to understand her feelings, and (3) pointing her in the direction to talk with women who have been through the same thing and can help her, and you, to heal better, you have laid the ground work for her to open up to you and to get help. But as I said, there are no guarantees. She may rebuff your efforts because she is hurting too much and is too scared to open up because she’s afraid she can’t control where it will go from there. But at least you will have planted the seeds, and someday they may bear fruit. You are both in our prayers.
I found this website both helpful and worrying. I am partly worried about the long term physical after effects of what will happen post my medical abortion but also really positive about the amount of help that is available. However, I believe that this website and all the groups featured in it are america based and I live in the UK. Unfortunately I cannot find the same level of help freely available when it comes to post abortion counselling and help. I would be very grateful if anyone knows of anywhere in the UK where the same help is available.
Best
There are programs in UK. Rachel’s Vineyard, for example, lists some contacts under its retreat listing for Europe | England.
Searching “post-abortion counseling UK” I came up with other listings, including http://www.careconfidential.com/
If you still have trouble finding one near you, try contacting a pro-life group or Catholic Church to inquire if they have contacts to post-abortion programs. Most should.
wat about in south Africa?
You may be able to find a program by seeking referrals from the groups most likely to work with them. For example, I would suggest calling any pro-life pregnancy help centers you can find to ask if they know of any. You might also call some churches. One place to call would be the various Catholic diocesan offices, beginning with the one in your own region. Every diocese in the Unites States has or participates in providing a post-abortion healing program. I would expect that at least every diocese in South Africa would know of some resource they or others in the area have for post-abortion healing.
If you can’t find a program, I’d suggest you find a book or online program that you would like to try and combine that with a friend or pastor who will work with you in going through the book or online program. I really think you would do better having a sympathetic friend to actually talk with who can support you in your journey.
You are in our prayers.
I have been through the abortion healing group through a church I went to . we used the pace workbooks. I am interested in starting a group in my church now and would like some information on how much the work books are and where do I get them from?
http://www.amazon.com/Forgiven-Set-Free-Post-Abortion-Bible/dp/080105723X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1420314798&sr=8-1&keywords=Forgiven+and+free+Linda+Cochran%27s