Learning to Trust – Testimony
Learning to Trust
“Julia Winters”
In July of 1996, I got pregnant after a year of dating my now ex-boyfriend. I was very happy with the news that I was going to be a mom. I’ve always loved children; I think they are the best thing that can ever happen to someone.
But when I told my boyfriend he went crazy. He told me that it was all my fault; he even said the child wasn’t his. He told me we had to take care of it as soon as possible. So against my will, I went to an abortion clinic with a friend.
I really wanted the baby, but I wouldn’t be able to raise it by myself and I never had any emotional support through it all. I knew that my boyfriend wouldn’t help me in any way, be it emotional or financial. From beginning to end I was alone. My parents never knew about it, and to this day my dad is the only one I’ve told in my family.
I was very nervous at the clinic. They told me I couldn’t eat anything and they made me sign a paper saying that I was fully responsible if anything should happen to me. They drew blood, and I had a urine test done and an ultrasound. After that, I waited for what seemed like forever before they called me in to talk to one of their counselors. She said I was very young and had my whole life ahead of me, that abortion was for the better. I just started crying; my mind was completely blank and I couldn’t think about anything.
The counselor told me they would call me when everything was ready for the procedure. After a while they called me in again and led me to a room where they told me to take my clothes off, put a robe on and lay down. The doctor came in with a nurse and the counselor. They used a local anesthetic; all of a sudden I felt a really strong suction inside me womb. It hurt a lot; it was like someone was pulling all my organs out. During the procedure my feelings were all mixed; I was scared, angry, guilty, nervous.
The whole thing was done in about five minutes, and afterwards I got dressed and went into a recuperating room where five other women were laying down and resting. They gave me some medicines in case of infection and left me there. I was told I could leave when I felt better.
It was really awful. My stomach was so bloated and I had very bad cramps. I could barely even walk because I felt my womb was so weak and whenever I took a step forward it felt like everything moved inside me. My friend drove me home and all I wanted to do was lay down and cry. I knew that I had killed my baby.
The decision I made to go through with the abortion really weighs me down. It’s affected my whole life and the way I interact with other people. It’s been almost three years and my mood has changed a lot. I’m always angry, I have a sad look in my eyes and nothing makes me happy. I can’t enjoy life like I used to. I don’t trust men at all, and it’s been very hard for me to establish a healthy romantic relationship. I don’t bond with people very well–there’s always that little doubt inside me. If someone does something nice for me I think that they just want to hurt me.
My life has been hell these past few years. I’m angry at the world and at myself. I’m a lot more aggressive and on the edge, but sometimes all I want to do is remember my baby and just sit and cry in my room. I’ve seen my baby’s face in dreams and I can feel that he is a baby boy. These dreams have been very peaceful, but I’ve had other dreams in which I’ve seen a baby’s disfigured face.
I am so scared of getting pregnant, it’s overwhelming. Some time ago I couldn’t see a pregnant woman or anything to do with babies because I would just lose it and start to cry uncontrollably. But now I’m very much interested in helping other women so they don’t make the same mistake. A couple of my friends are pregnant right now and I’m so excited for them. I can’t wait to see their babies. I bought baby clothes for them and I am always calling them to see how they feel.
A cousin of mine had a baby girl about six months ago; she’s a single mom. As soon as I found out I went to the hospital to see the baby and I held her in my arms. It was such a wonderful feeling! Of course I felt sad but I was so happy to be able to hold her, bathe her and dress her. I’m comfortable around babies now, even though sometimes I still grieve.
I still can’t come to terms with what I did. I just started going to a psychologist and we’re working on the whole abortion issue. I’ve been in therapy for only a month but I think that it will really help me get through it all. I’d like to be my old self again! Therapy is not easy because you learn so many new things about your fears and yourself that may have been hidden deep inside you for a long time. But I think that in the end I will learn to trust people again and overcome all the obstacles I’ve faced in my life with a good outlook on everything.
I had never believed in abortion before, but when I found myself facing a big problem I took the easiest way out. I never thought that it would affect me so much. Now I look at life in a different way. I think that life is one of the most precious gifts a person can receive. Many people don’t value the fact that they are alive, or that life can take a 180 degree turn in a matter of seconds.
I’ve come to learn that you should be kind and compassionate with other people and try to understand why they act in a certain way. It might be that the person is in a lot of pain and they act it out in a destructive way because they can’t seem to find a way out.
Abortion is a violent act against a helpless human being, and the law should oppose it. A lot of people are killing their flesh and blood because it’s legal and it’s the easiest way out. I would advise women not to make the decision I made, and to go ahead and have their babies with courage and pride no matter what the situation is.
Things will work out in the long run. But if you make the wrong decision, you will live with the regret, the guilt and the sadness for the rest of your life. Abortion is a deep wound that will always be there. I hope my story helps to open people’s eyes and changes the way they think about abortion and its consequences.
Originally printed in The Post-Abortion Review, Vol. 10(1), Jan.-March 2002. Copyright 2002, Elliot Institute.
