Understanding Repeat Abortions: An Excerpt from Forbidden Grief
By Theresa Burke with David C. Reardon
Note: The following is an excerpt from the book Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion.
Christine had her first abortion at the age of 18. She was under treatment for mild depression, and her psychiatrist recommended abortion. Since this was before Roe, Christine was told that she would have to sign a paper that stated she would commit suicide if she did not have an abortion. Her mental health care workers orchestrated the entire event. In reality Christine knew she would not kill herself, but she felt that she had to follow her doctor’s orders.
She later married and became pregnant again at the age of 22. Her husband was eager and ready to being a family, but she felt anxiety and fear over becoming a parent. The message from her psychiatrist that colored her view of herself as a potential mother was that she was not mentally stable enough to have a child and that having a baby would provoke a mental breakdown and even suicidal behavior. The thought of having a baby simply terrified her. Because of her fears of inadequacy, she had another abortion and divorced shortly thereafter.
Christine’s third pregnancy also ended in a second-trimester abortion. This pattern continued three more times for a total of six abortions. Each time she had an intense desire to be a mother, but each time she could see no other recourse but abortion, reenacting the first trauma of helplessness to overcome her perceived inadequacy and incompetence.
She eventually had herself surgically sterilized to avoid a future abortion. But now her self-destructive impulses were channeled into several subsequent suicide attempts.
What a different life Christine could have had if her psychiatrist had reinforced her self-esteem and her confidence in her capacity to be a mother. Instead, her therapist imprinted a deadly message deep into her psyche: She was unstable and inadequate to be a mother.
As a therapist, I worked with Christine specifically to bring the meaning of her repeated abortions into her awareness. Soon she began to realize that she had dealt with the original abortion over and over in the same negative way. It caused not only the loss of six children, but also denied Christine an opportunity to give life, love her children, grow as a woman, and experience the joys of motherhood.
Once she became aware of the original conflict, Christine stated that her “whole life finally seemed to make sense.” She could finally understand why she had become trapped in such a self-destructive pattern. Although an awareness of these patterns was essential for her healing, it also gave rise to tremendous grief and anger at having lost so many years and so many children.
This process, though difficult and bitter, was an important ingredient in helping Christine stop degrading herself. Her episodes of depression subsided, she obtained her first job in 20 years, and she began to ask more for herself in relationships. Instead of viewing herself as an evil person, she saw that her actions had their source in the tremendously painful conflict of an abortion foisted upon her by people she trusted.
Christine’s story illustrates one of the many overlooked consequences of abortion. It is the unspoken but accepted message to a woman that she is inadequate. Instead of being offered support, encouragement, and trust in her ability to care for a child, a woman is often persuaded, pressured or coerced to accept a violent solution that invades her physical and psychological integrity. The result, at the very least, is a lack of self-confidence and a diminished sense of self-worth. When traumatized women lose all confidence in their ability to protect and care for others, they are prone to becoming entangled in a pattern of multiple abortions.
Reenacting Pregnancy and Abortion
Christine is not alone. Approximately half of all women who have an abortion have had one or more previous abortions. Women with a history of more than one abortion are likely to suffer more severe physical and psychological problems after abortion. Studies of women having repeat abortions show that they are more likely to live in less stable social situations, have nearly twice as many psychological problems, and have twice as much reliance on social support services.1They are also more likely to go through a divorce, to be involved in substance abuse, and to rely on public welfare.2
This problem of repeat abortions is not due to callousness or the careless use of birth control. Instead, it is far more likely that women who have multiple abortions are caught in a pattern of reenacting their traumatic abortions.
A central aspect of trauma is a sense of helplessness. Reenactment is a means by which individuals revisit their traumas, repeatedly returning to the same traumatic situation with the hope, in some level of their minds, that they will eventually confront, conquer, and triumph over the experience.
One way that women who are traumatized by their abortions may seek to reassert power over their lives, and simultaneously to “undo” their abortions, is through replacement pregnancies. Unfortunately, this is a very risky proposition. While some women do carry their subsequent replacement pregnancies to term, others quickly discover that the same problems (including pressure or coercion, which will be discussed further below) that led to their first abortion are still there. As a result, they are likely to have another abortion, which reinforces the trauma of the first abortion. While many forms of reenactment are symbolic, in these cases reenactment of a traumatic abortion can be quite literal, resulting in one, two, three . . . or even a dozen subsequent abortions.
Repeat Abortions as a Result of Coercion
I have heard hundreds of women share stories of how their abortions were very much shaped by pressure, coercion and even force from other people and from their circumstances. This kind of trauma can keep women imprisoned in destructive patterns of repeat pregnancies, abortion and even abuse. Lexie shares her story:
The first time I got pregnant, I was 19. I was living with a much older man, whom I believed was very much in love with me. Like many couples, we had financial problems, and according to him I was just crazy to even think of having a baby. He said: “Hey, you know you not having it, right? I don’t even need to say anything else. I want you to schedule an appointment ASAP.” After that he walked out of the door. He was totally determined that I would have an abortion.
He gave me no option to even think about it. I was absolutely on my own if I wanted to have the baby, and I had absolutely nothing, not even family around me to help me to think about what I was doing. All I could think of was, “I can’t be a single mother; I am not even married. What am I going to do? Where am I going to live? How am I going to work? I can’t leave the baby alone. I have nobody here to help me.” Every time I would try to discuss possibilities of having the baby he would just leave me talking by myself, sitting looking at the walls.
All I knew was he wanted it done, and done as soon as possible. I was almost 3 months, and every day, every single day, I remember how stressful it was for me to be pregnant. I got really sick every day and was throwing up every time of the day and I felt so depressed and alone on those days . . . like never before.
So the abortion schedule was set. My name was called, the nurse opened my legs, and she told me I was going to sleep in seconds. I didn’t even see the doctor’s face. I woke up bleeding, some infection medicine was given, the thing was done. I left that place in such emptiness. The whole thing was removed from me, including my soul.
I couldn’t forget that suction machine. I was thinking, “Where is my baby now? What are they going to be doing with his body? Where is my baby going to be put? Was it a boy or a girl?” I constantly dreamed about that suction machine. What did they do with my baby? Where is he now? How bad have I hurt him? What kind of person would he be if he had the chance to live?
All that was on my mind after the abortion. Every day got worse. I became self-destructive. I couldn’t care for myself at all. Anything that would hurt me, I would go for it, and sex became one of those things. I spent two years trying to tell myself everything was under control: “Come on, it’s only a blob of blood” right?”
I got pregnant again, by the same man. This time he totally abandoned me. He didn’t want the blame for telling me to kill the baby again because we had past terrible discussions blaming each other about the first baby. He totally ignored me again; for almost three months, every time I would think about keeping this baby, he would say something like, “You already know you are on your own! I didn’t ask you to get pregnant! You did it to yourself. I didn’t ask you for a baby! Plus you’re going to be a single mother! Is that what you want?”
I remember looking at baby clothes at the store and looking all those pregnant women with their husbands and kids. All I could feel was, “Here I am, a second time pregnant, 21, all alone, and I have no money.” I tried to think of leaving him and trying to make a living on my own. I asked for help at the school I was going to. All I heard was, “It is very hard, honey, you have no idea what you’re putting yourself into.” Nothing was done or said to help me; all I had was a selfish man, 20 years older than me, telling me I was on my own. He said, “I don’t even want to see your kid; I didn’t ask for babies. You got that?”
The second abortion was performed. I remember waking up in a room, and when I looked straight ahead an abortion was being performed on some girl right in front of the room I was in, and the curtain was open. I heard the noise of the suction machine, and I saw gloves with blood, and suddenly the nurse saw me staring at that thing and she shut the curtain quickly. The other woman woke up crying right by my side, saying, “Where is my baby? Where is my baby?” I looked at her and I started to cry myself. I could not talk for days.
At this point I had lost my own self a long time ago. All I could feel was hate for allowing this to happen to me. Eventually, of course, the rest of any relationship with my boyfriend went down the drain. He started to drink, do drugs; I started to yell, to hate everything about him and everything that would involve his presence as well.
We could not talk with each other for months, otherwise things would fly on the sky and the house would be broken in pieces. Having the police at our door was usual. Bloody noses, kicks and black eyes became our best friends. I had tried to get out of it all so many times, but I had no job, and when I would find one, I would lose it before three months had passed. I just couldn’t care about anything. Everything that would bring me pain I would take it.
The third pregnancy was by another man. Again, I was pregnant for three months and living with the same previous man. This time, at least I was positive this baby was not his, and that somewhat made me feel good. I would make him think it was his and I would hide it from him until he found out I was pregnant. I knew he would tell me to get rid of it. All I could do was have my baby for those three months. I thought, “At least you have three months to live, baby. You know you’re going to die . . . just enjoy your three months, okay?
I would talk to the baby and buy baby clothes. The first place I would go in a store was the baby section. I was going insane. But for at least three months I had my baby. No one could take that away from me.
Eventually he found out and I went for my third abortion . . . just like a pro. After all, look at my background: three abortions. It’s like, “Wow, isn’t it impressive?”
All I know is that since my third abortion, all I can feel and think of is nothing. They took away something special. I had conceived life. But again they had taken the only thing I had that was good and pure in my life. Do you know what I am saying? What’s there left for a person to feel? Tell me.
Lexie’s life spiraled out of control after the first abortion. The three months she had with her baby was a short-lived experience of motherhood until her pregnancy was discovered and destroyed. Clearly, her mental stability deteriorated quickly as the unrecognized trauma repeated itself, drilling the wound deeper into her psyche, and left her feeling helpless to exert any control over her life. Without intervention and healing, Lexie would undoubtedly have continued this very self-destructive pattern of traumatic reenactments.
Repeat Abortions as a Form of Self-Punishment
Many women really do experience their pregnancies and their unborn children as part of themselves. In some cases, abortion may be experienced as a form of self-punishment. The destruction of the woman’s developing child also in some way destroys an extension of the woman herself. She may feel she deserves the feelings of loss and grief that follow, or she may be punishing herself by denying herself the enjoyments of motherhood that she thinks she does not deserve. For some women, these tendencies can play an important role in repeat abortions.
For example, Melissa’s self-punishing behavior was acted out not only through repeat abortions but also through self-injury and risk-taking.
I’ve had seven abortions. Each time I felt numb and dissociated
. . . like a mental case zombie. Afterwards, I’d feel defeated and frustrated with myself. I have enormous self-disgust and hatred. I punish myself by cutting or banging my hands against a concrete wall until they are swollen and bruised purple. I like to hurt myself. There is a strange pleasure in it. Also, I take a lot of risks where I usually get hurt . . . kind of accident-prone, I guess.
When people are afraid to express disturbing feelings outwardly, they may vent these emotions through self-destructive acts. Among the post-aborted women I have seen who engage in self-injury, one commonality is that they have never received permission to grieve the loss of their child. Many self-mutilators brand their anger and pain indelibly into their skin, creating tattoos of scar tissue that mimic their confusion and vexation. Multiple abortions are another way to act out the pain.
How Many Is Too Many?
As mentioned earlier, nearly half of all women entering abortion businesses have had one or more previous abortions. Studies have shown that women who abort are highly likely to become pregnant again within one or two years. For example, one study of metropolitan teens who had abortions found that 27 percent were pregnant again within 12 months, and 75 percent were pregnant again within 24 months.3 In experimental trials with RU-486 abortions, 25 percent of women who had these chemical abortions were found to have become pregnant again within one year.4 When repeat pregnancies are the result of reenactment of trauma, it is quite likely that the subsequent pregnancy will end in another abortion.
The problem of repeat abortions is very disturbing to abortion clinic staff, who spend most of their time counseling women on how to avoid becoming pregnant again. While they believe women should be able to have abortions, many staffers are deeply and rightly disturbed by the pattern of repeat abortions they are seeing. But they are uncertain what, if anything, they can do about it.
At a National Abortion Federation (NAF) meeting, for example, one counselor described a woman who had three second-trimester abortions in a period of less than 18 months. Significantly, each time she would come in for the abortion at 21 weeks, reenacting the late date of her first abortion. An abortion counselor from Connecticut described a woman who came to their clinic for her 14th abortion, saying, “There was a feeling among some of the counselors that we should not continue to see this patient . . . . A feeling that we were in fact reinforcing this behavior.”5
That is exactly what they are doing: reinforcing abusive and self-destructive behavior. Unfortunately, since abortion businesses are committed to performing abortions on request, they have abdicated their responsibility to understand the reasons why women may undergo abortions and to offer help and alternatives (and even refuse to do the abortion) when these reasons are the result of coercion or are distorted, dysfunctional, or even part of a self-destructive cycle.
There is something quite troubling about “medical care” that doesn’t involve any questioning about the deeper things that may be going on within her or offering any better alternatives. In modern medical practice, patients expect a health care professional to treat the whole person. For example, a doctor seeing a patient with heart disease would not simply keep performing heart surgery on the patient but would recommend lifestyle changes and other alternative treatments to lessen the need for invasive medical procedures. But among abortion providers, a mindless submission to the mantra of “choice” has eviscerated any sense of obligation to ensure that the woman or girl is not being pressured or coerced the abortion will actually help rather than hurt her.
One of the counselors at the NAF discussion explained her ability to accept 14 abortions with the comment that perhaps the woman was making the decision “not to contracept,” asking, “Isn’t that valid?” Such an ideological commitment to “choice,” without reflection or review of what is really happening (including whether the woman is really “choosing” the abortion) and what will be its result, is a form of blindness.
Such counselors, both inside and outside our nation’s abortion clinics, have simply blinded themselves to the real needs of women and how abortion can destroy them. Until these counselors confront and overcome their own blindness, they will be unable to truly help women break free from this destructive cycle.
Excerpted from the book Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion (Springfield, IL: Acorn Books, 2007). Copyright 2002, 2007 Theresa Burke and David C. Reardon.
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I’m 29 and a mother of a 9yr old son .I’ve had 5 abortions and now I really want to have a baby but I’m facing difficulties conceiving .Maybe its my punishment for all my previous abortions. I had the abortions becuz I already had a son and had no financial means at the time to take care of the babies.Please pray for me so I can finally have a baby.I feel so ashamed of myself.
I am very sorry for all the losses you have endured. I do indeed pray that you will be able to have another child. In the meantime, I encourage you read our page of tips and resources for post-abortion healing. Even if you have already participated in a program, look again for another that may be more helpful.
I think it is very important for you to work through all the negative feelings that cling to you because of the past abortions. Emotional healing may actually be necessary before your body will cooperate in becoming pregnant again. Blocked up emotional issues can interfere with fertility. And there is also evidence that being pregnant again with a wanted pregnancy can be more difficult, and involve more complications, if there are unsettled issues over a prior abortion or miscarriage. Healing should be a priority, not something you put off, especially if you want to have another child.
You are in my prayers.
It hurt to remember this, and still have faith that God must have forgiven me. I had 4 abortion out of stupidity. The last one was when I was 25years old. And now am 30years and married to a carring man and pregnancy is not coming for four months now we have been trying I don’t known what might be the cause but my conscience kept reminding me of my past abortions. I know I have been forgiven and I want God to confirm it with a beautiful babies this year. God bless you all
I am glad to know that you are on your way to healing. I believe you will make better progress if you participate in a post-abortion healing program. Please see our page of tips, phone numbers and other resources for post-abortion healing.
You are in our prayers.
I am sad and feeling very unsafe.i have had 2 abortions between 2014 -2016.i am pregnant again and i am still in college and a bright career path that i need to follow.i am always very careful after sex i use condoms and emergency contraceptives but i still got pregnant. I dont know what to do i feel miserable and scared.
Dear Sarah,
I want to apologize for not answering you much earlier! We had a lapse in our system for notifying us when comments like yours are posted.
I pray you are doing well. If you have not yet done so, please check out our page on tips and resources for finding free post-abortion recovery help.
I would give your baby life!! Give that precious baby to someone who has been waiting for years for a child. I did this 43 years ago. Yes, it hurts but it is a selfless act and will bless Someone else. Prayers to you honey.
I first had an abortion early last because I wasn’t financial stable, my guy wanted an abortion and due to much pressure from him I gave in and aborted,,,, this new still am pregnant for him and I don’t know what to do,,, he is financially stable bt he want me have an abortion am confused since am not in a stable job,,,
help me
Hi Lucianah, I’m so glad you came to our site. It sounds like you find yourself in a difficult situation, but there is a way forward and it doesn’t mean having to have an abortion. Please take the time to learn about your options and don’t let yourself be pressured to do something that it sounds like you don’t want. Having an abortion will not solve your problems or fix your relationship — in fact, it may just continue to make things worse. If the father is not listening to you or considering what you want in this then that is not a good sign for your relationship. Having an abortion to please someone else or because you feel you have no other options doesn’t make things better — in fact you are likely to feel worse afterwards.
Are you in the US? I would start by reaching out for help to one of the groups listed on this help page or to OptionLine, which is a nationwide network of pregnancy help centers (you can also contact them by texting HELPLINE to 313131 or talking to them via Live Chat). These groups offer free, confidential help and will be glad to assist you in assessing your situation and giving you other options, including helping address your financial and job situation. (If you are outside the US, send me an email at elliotinstitute@gmail.com and I will try and put you in touch with someone in your area who can help). Whatever your situation, they will try to help.
I m a 26 year n m currently 6 weeks pregnant. I had 3 abortions previously all because I was not ready at d time as I was either in my teens or was in my college. Now I have graduated bt i dun ve a job to support my baby. N to b honest I dun want to b a mother right now as I m preparing hard fr my career. My only fear is, will a 4th abortion effect my future pregnancy when I m well set up in my career.??? Also I ve heard people talking how multiple abortions lead to ectopic pregnancy n many other such complications. Is it also true??
It is definitely true that each abortion has a multiplying effect in terms of increased risks. Here is a link to a number of studies relevant to repeat abortions. In addition to elevated risks during subsequent pregnancies, including the risk of not being able to carry a later pregnancy to term, there is a 50% increased risk of premature death from all causes for each abortion. I would strongly encourage you to carry to term, either to keep the child or to place it for adoption. Regarding your career, it is very common for people to think that they will be better parents once they are “set up in my career” but the truth is, you will manage whenever you start a family because you will find the time and learn on the job and being “set up in your career” will not make that much difference on you being a good parent.
Im a 29 yr old single mother of 9yr old i had my third abortion October 15th 2016 i havent talked to anyone about it or the last two i feel like im rotting from the inside out with this last abortion i was in a toxic relationship doing toxic things i initially almost had a miscarriage but it was him stressing me out so i would drink and do other things to numb the pain i was so selfish Things spiraled out bad i facing a DUI lost my car and job im having anxiety attacks regularly when i got bailed out of jail my mother flushed all of my meds down the toilet saying i was taking those too which i wasnt and hadnt been since i found out i was expecting shes also emotionally abusive and mentally messed me up i feel trapped scared alone and just alone wishing someone would hold me and tell me it will be ok i laugh and joke around trying to hide the pain ive gotten good at answering with a straight face that i am ok when i know damn well i wont ever be.
Dear Olivia,
Please do not give into despair. Women who have been exactly where you are have found healing and renewed joy in their lives, and many of these same women are now leading post-abortion healing groups today and want to help you. Please call one of the hotlines listed on our post-abortion healing page. Do it, today, before you come up with excuses not to.
If you read the tips on the rest of the page you will see the one I most want to stress to you…don’t give up. If you don’t find the help you need the first place you call or with the first counselor with whom you meet, try again.
Also, it’s important you reach out to an experienced post-abortion healing counselor. Most counselors have little or no experience and a poor counseling experience may do more harm than good.
You can heal. And you need to heal, not only for yourself but for your 9-year-old who need a mother who has hope and healing in her life. Don’t delay. Get help. Please let us know when you find it.
You are in my prayers. I know you can find healing as long as you’re willing to reach out and do your part.
have had 2 abortions 2014 nd 2015 For my boyfriend,am pregnant again d 3rd tym.. I want d baby but I have no job or means of sourcing for myself nd my mum is my only support even truout skul, I feel Lyk I have disappointed her nd d shame, am a graduate of 26years nd my boyfriend still stays wit his family, am considering abortion bit am scared.. I love babies nd I want dis one.. nd even if I will kip it, I nid to hide away from home.
There are many resources to help pregnant women keep their babies. If you are in the United States, check out this page with information on groups that can help you with free supplies, medical care, counseling and rent money. If you are not in the U.S., please let us know where you are and we will help find similar services near you. Often, it is as simple as going to nearby churches and asking for help connecting to the groups and people in your area that have a heart for your situation.
I encourage you to stand up for your desire to keep this baby. You clearly have many of the risk factors that predict a greater risk of severe psychological damage from another abortion. Each abortion increases the physical and emotional damage.
You are in our prayers. Please reach out to your local churches. And please let us know how we can help you.
Hi, I feel sooo lost right now. I just turned 26 and on my birthday I found out I was pregnant. I took 2 tests and the second which said I was 2-3wks.
I had my first abortion last year in October at 12 weeks. It was the hardest decision I ever have had to make in my life. I was overseas at the time in Central America travelling and fell pregnant to a local guy who I was seeing for 5 months. He already has a 14yr old daughter who lives in the states so he doesn’t see her because he has no visa. He used to be married. He is 9 yrs older than me with nothing to his name and no money.
The decision with my first termination was hard as I have been raised to believe abortion is wrong and in my heart I know it is, too, but I did it because I was scared, worried what others would think of me, still loved my ex of 7 yrs with whom our relationship ended because I kissed the guy I am currently with and we broke up when I first came travelling because of it.
I didn’t want people to judge me. I didn’t want to be a single mum. I didn’t want to live at home again or be alone. I was worried I wouldn’t find someone who wanted to marry me with a baby. I was worried I wouldn’t find a job in what I had studied at Uni, and I worried I would never have my own house and many other things.
Now only 9 months later an I’m pregnant again. I feel sick thinking about it ever since I found out. I cannot eat or sleep properly. I think how wrong it would be to do it again. I hate myself and the guy I am still with for getting into this situation again.
We both knew that having sex had it’s chances again of becoming pregnant. I was on the pill but stoped because I was getting UTIs and pain in my stomach and stinging pains on my cervix whilst having sex. But now all the old issues arise again.
After my first abortion I was emotional and would cry when I saw a baby and think of my own little one and what it would have been like. I imagined what he or she would have looked like. I told myself if I fell pregnant again I would never go through that again. But I was ok though I felt guilt, loss and regret . . . I was ok and relieved.
But now I am pregnant again and I feel back to how I did before. After my abortion my partner became abusive verbally and physically towards me and still is to this day. He says I deserve to be treated this way. He wasn’t like that before. I don’t know why I stayed with him. I live in Australia and him in Mexico. I leave back to Australia in less than a week.
He calls me a baby killer and other nasty names all the time and blames me this time that I got pregnant. He says I don’t have feelings, says I cry for nothing that I’m dramatic, that I’m selfish, he says he doesn’t feel sorry for me, then the next minute he changes and is nice and then flips again and returns to being evil. One minute he says he doesn’t want anything to do with me and says he doesn’t care if I terminate the baby or not or care about the baby, then the next he says he will keep the baby, then he flips again and says he wishes I wasn’t pregnant and that he never had to see me again, then flips and says he wants a family with me and will do all he can to come to Australia and support me (but with what money?).
I told my parents and my sister last time I was pregnant and they were really supportive either way I chose. I don’t know if or how to tell them again so soon, I’m scared of their reactions, I don’t want an abortion but the guy I’m with said he would keep the baby but I don’t know how that’s possible if he lives in Mexico and me Australia.
I just don’t know what to do anymore….I want to be a mum one day but it’s not now how I planned it. but I’m aware there are risks of abortion which scares me to think something could happen and I could never have a little one again.
I worry God will judge me, I pray to him but I hear nothing. I feel lost
Dear Mackenzie,
I’m so sorry someone didn’t respond earlier. I was traveling and apparently no one else in our office saw your email.
I pray I am not too late, and I pray that what I have to say will help you.
In a nut shell, my advice is: Return to Australia. Keep the baby. Trust that everything will work out. I know it’s hard to trust a future you cannot foresee when the temptation is to take control now, but the God you have prayed to is a loving God and is giving you a gift, a very precious gift. This child will come with challenges, but if you persevere, you will never regret bringing this gift into the world.
Here’s a longer answer. If you check out the risk factors that put women at higher risk of more severe psychological reactions to abortion, you will see that you fall into multiple categories. Another abortion would just compound and deepen the issues you have already pushed into the background regarding your first abortion, and would add more issues on top.
Secondly, this flip-floppy, abusive, manipulative man you are with now is neither worth aborting for nor inviting to Australia. If you don’t place the baby for adoption, perhaps one day he will be able to meet his child since it is best that you do give your child that option. But don’t order your life and your decisions about the baby to be colored by his wavering preferences.
Third, while you think that this second pregnancy was entirely by mistake, it may be another example of an unconscious desire to replace the pregnancy you aborted almost exactly nine months earlier. Nine months is itself significant. There is a whole chapter on the phenomena of reenactment and rapid repeat pregnancies in the book Forbidden Grief. A portion of the chapter is available online here.
Abortion isn’t good for you. Having a child, especially without the support of the child’s father and a husband, is hard . . . but still rewarding. Many women regret their abortions. But few, even single mothers, regret their children.
Your family will be supportive. You are luckier than many in that regard. And who knows, maybe the man you still love will not only be forgiving but willing to be a loving father and supportive husband because he truly loves you enough to forgive you and to build a real life with you. If not, trust me . . . no trust yourself and God, there are plenty of good men out there willing to commit themselves to being good fathers and husbands to women with children who are not (yet) their own. You will find a good man, deserving of your love and that of your child, who will give you and your child his own good love in return.
Do not let fear dictate your future. Hope is greater than fear . . . though fear is surely more “in your face.”
“Be not afraid.” They say that some version of that is the most commonly repeated phrase in the Bible. Choose life. Trust God. Accept that He does not reveal the future, but He will bless it. Step forward trusting that His plan is better than any you or I can devise.
You are in my prayer.
I would give your baby life!! Give that precious baby to someone who has been waiting for years for a child. I did this 43 years ago. Yes, it hurts but it is a selfless act and will bless Someone else. Prayers to you honey.
I am 25 years old and just had my second abortion I feel a mess and don’t know how to deal. I feel as if both abortions were forced on me by the fathers the first time I was 16 and too young and now that I’m older it was the same scenario I was so afraid and was scared to bring a baby in this world by myself and not in a stable environment. How can I cope with the fact that I’ve done two? I feel undeserving and like I should die with my children I’m mainly hurt that the guy who got me pregnant pressured me so badly and he’s not being much help now that it’s done. What can I do
Cyndi, I’m so glad you found our site and posted here. Please, please be assured that you don’t have to keep living like this — that you can break the cycle and start to heal. I’m so sorry that you felt as if you didn’t have any other choice — that is so common, as is the regret afterwards. You do deserve to be supported and to find healing. If you haven’t done so already, you should go to our healing page where you can find out more about organizations that provide free support and counseling.
The first step is to talk with someone from one of those groups — it may be intimidating at first, but be assured that it is safe to talk with them and they will respond with compassion, not judgement. Rachel’s Vineyard is one such group that has helped women all over the world (go here to read some of their stories), and there are many others. You can also try Option Line to be referred to a pregnancy support center in your area that offers counseling after abortion.
If you are really feeling like you want to hurt or harm yourself, don’t hesitate — get help right away by calling the National Suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255.
I hope this helps! You don’t have to keep living with this pain, and there are so many people who want to help. All you need to do is reach out and ask.
Ive had 4 abortion so far. I also have 5 kids with my husband. I’m currently 4 weeks pregnant and we both decided we are not going to keep the baby because of our financial issue. I been doing alot of research about having multiple abortion. Is it safe to have another abortion? I know 5 is way to much, but will it put my life at risk of anything? I really want to life old with my kids. I’m so stressed out right now. I really need so helpful advice from you.
Hi Brenda,
Studies have found that repeat abortions do carry risks, including a higher risk of maternal death, breast cancer, preterm birth in later pregnancies, and higher psychological risks for the mother. Plus, abortions in general have all kinds of physical and psychological risks attached to them. So yes, you could be putting yourself at risk by having repeat abortions.
I know you say that your financial circumstances make you feel that you can’t have this child, but you need to weigh the risks to you, the sadness and pain you may feel, and the loss of your child against this. There are organizations that can provide financial assistance to you and/or help you straighten out your situation. The web site kidsonashoestring.com is a great place to get started with lots of resources and information to help parents. Also, please reach out to a pregnancy center that can help you with information, resources and support to make the best decision for yourself and your baby. Please don’t rush into making a decision you might regret, especially when you are feeling so stressed.
Another thing a pregnancy center can help you with is post-abortion counseling. Even if you don’t feel like your past abortions are affecting things for you, you may have unresolved grief or pain that is driving you to have repeat abortions or affecting other areas of your life. Pregnancy centers offer free and confidential support to help work through these issues and free you from any past issues that are affecting you. They would love to talk with you even if you just call to ask some questions. If you are looking for advice this is a great place to start.
So even if I’m a healthy person. Those can effect me?
Hi Brenda, I think you would need to talk with a doctor about your risks. We’re not doctors or medical advisors, so I can’t tell you what your exact risks would be. All I can say is what the studies show. However, your doctor might not be aware of the risks shown in the studies, so I’d suggest getting a second opinion and talking with a doctor who is. You can contact AAPLOG for more information on finding such a doctor here.
Please remember too that this is more than just about physical risks — there is your emotional health, the toll this can take on your relationships, etc. Please consider some of the resources I suggested above and consider all your options. Feel free to email me at elliotinstitute@gmail.com if there is anything more I can do to help.
If I could ask further, is abortion something you are leaning toward? What can we do to help you in your current situation?
I had an abortion in 2013 December and got pregnant again early 2014 although i was taking birth control pills the second time. The second time i panicked and was depressed as i was still traumatized by my earlier abortion. I resisted my fear and carried my pregnancy for 3 months. I was so sick, i vomited anything i ate. i never wanted the smell of food near me. I lost weight 6 kgs. It reached a point i was so hungry but couldn’t feed. I was scared as 1 was 18yrs old then.
My bf wanted me to keep it but we were both students and i was afraid of my parents. I couldn’t go on anymore. i took 3 days to mourn and say the most painful goodbye to my kids. I found out later during my abortions that i had twins the second time.
I mourn the loss of my kids each day. I cry through the night for a chance to hold them and tell them that i loved them. I see myself as a failure as i didn’t protect my kids. I am in university now but i guess the regret makes me wanna finish school and gets kids. I pray to God that I am still fertile. i will be so happy to hold my kids in future.
I ask God to return them to me through the babies that he will bless me with. It almost destroyed my relationship because i fell into depression and i get irritated easily. Can God really see the genuineness of my cry for forgiveness and forgive me and bless me with kids?
I feel i did something that is unforgivable. I really love children. i ask myself why couldnt i give even my life to protect them? I can’t stop crying as I am typing this because i long to have somebody to share my pain.
I feel sometimes my bf can’t experience the extent of my pain and might wonder why am still depressed. I hope God will walk with me through my journey of seeking healing for my broken heart.
Dear Agnes,
I’m glad you wrote. Reaching out for understanding and help is the first step toward healing. Please take the next step and read our page of tips and resources on finding a post-abortion healing program that is right for you.
Many programs will have opportunities for your boyfriend to participate and to help you (and himself) through the healing process. Often this will help couples not only heal but grow closer together. There is a real risk that these losses will eventually drive the two of you apart unless you face and worth through the grief together. He can learn to understand your pain . . . and even needs the opportunity to do so . . . but that may require the help of others who have been through the same processes of healing already.
Don’t give up hope. You can find healing and also the sure knowledge that God does forgive you and want you to be happy. Please read the page on healing today. And don’t hesitate to write again if we can be of any more help.
i had 4 2mos abortion 3 years ago , i forget it but after 3 years it repeat 2x 2mos this year the last abort that i will never forget, i used med abortion for the first time (d&c previously) this is the time i see that the 2mos is already human and developing i feel regret because this time also i want to keep it. i see to myself that my previous are all already babies. all emotion that i feel was so bad, thinking i want to die and see my 6 babie and take care of them i want to see them and love them, miss them. i dont want to happen all of this i was so stupid i feel all the pain and sorrow despite my other problems in life i want to forgive my self and hope god and my babies are in peace and forgive me to all that ive done to their life and my life…
Dear Hannah,
You are in our prayers. God will embrace you in your sorrow and through His mercy help you to forgive yourself and to become a new person in Him. If you have not yet read our page on tips for finding healing after an abortion, please do.
Please write again if we can be of any help.
I am 51 years old. I had three abortions in my life. My first was at 18. A little backstory was that my first boyfriend in high school was physical abusive. I started to have panic attacks and they changed my life. My mom found me an excellent psychologist (pre-abortions) who tried to help me with my panic attacks. Well after a year and a lot of physical abuse I was able to rid myself of this awful boy. Restraining order that actually worked. But the things he did to me changed me.
I met a wonderful boy when I was 17 years old. I became pregnant so stupid I know. He wanted me to keep the baby but I was in the throes of panic attacks and was scared of everything. I had the abortion. It was awful.
About 6 years later I was young and promiscuous and not with the wonderful young man I had loved. I became pregnant again by someone I thought was just wonderful. He was not on board and as usual I was afraid. Although I was in my twenties and had a job with the Tourist Development Council I was again afraid to have a baby. I was emotionally and physically afraid having a child would kill me. I was so messed up.
I finally married at 27 to a much younger man. He was immature and an alcoholic. We both had affairs (mine with a married man) and I was pregnant again. I used a diaphragm . . . not any sort of pill. I was such an idiot. That was my third abortion.
What is wrong with someone who would do this? I finally remarried a great guy who saved my life. He had a very good job and so did I. We built and home and I became pregnant. I miscarried and I thought that was God’s way of punishing me. A few years later I became pregnant again. I carried to term (with some pre-term labor complications) and I am the mother to a wonderful 13 year old soccer star:-) I was almost 38 when he was born.
I worry every day of my life that something will happen to him to punish me for the horrible things I did. I still suffer from anxiety, but as scared as I was to have a baby (I panicked when my water broke) because I felt like it would kill me. I’ve been afraid to die since the panic attacks started in my teens. We have a good life, I have a happy straight A, soccer loving son who is my life. I just can’t escape what I’ve done. My friends use so many #chooselife messages all over FB and with every one of them I feel shame and heartache. Why did I do this to sweet little souls? Where are my babies that I didn’t want? Did they hurt?
Can God forgive me? Can I ever forgive myself? I’ve asked for forgiveness so many times yet I just cannot believe that God would forgive a serial abortionist. Why should he? Is there a way to heal from these terrible choices. I have been trying to for so many years and I’m not there. If anyone can relate please let me know. I want to live…really live. I don’t want to live this life of fear and shame any longer. I want to not worry that God will take my son to punish me. This is long and I’m so sorry. Thank you
Dear Kassie,
Yes, God can forgive and wants you to accept and feel his forgiveness and healing in your life.
It’s time for you to get help in understanding how you can heal and move forward and get beyond this fear that you don’t deserve to heal. Please read our page on picking a post-abortion healing ministry that can help you. Perhaps you should call one or two of the hotlines today.
Don’t allow yourself to be [http://afterabortion.org/1999/miracles-never-end/ trapped by despair]. You can find tremendous healing and recapture joy while still learning from your past experiences so you can be the best woman, wife, and mother that you can be.
You are in our prayers! Please let us know if you find a good program.
Hi Kassie, so glad you came here to share your story. You have been through so much and are clearly a strong person who has been able to overcome abuse and dysfunction. Please know that healing is possible and that you are not alone. It is possible to put aside shame and fear and live that is not overshadowed by the past. Have you contacted any support groups or ministries that help women who are struggling after abortion? If you haven’t already done so I would strongly encourage you to do this. They offer free and confidential (and non-judgmental) help for women who have been through what you are experiencing. You can find out more about these ministries on our healing page, as well as a list of support groups in the U.S. (you can also find more information about healing on the web pages for the various groups). If you are contacting us from outside the States, you can email me at elliotinstitute@gmail.com and I will try to put you in touch with a group in your area.
Hi, I have had two abortions so far one was in 2012 the other 2014. The first abortion was more or less justified as I was raped in a party. I was too drunk and couldn’t remember anything the next morning. However, one of the guys responsible told me about it the next morning to take EC but it failed, I guess because I am diabetic & never had my daily insulin injections that day as I was so distressed. I was still with my fiance then, the other reason why I had to end it anyway. I never told him about it immediately. After an year, however I told him about it. He was never mad and said it was the best thing to do then.
Last year, I got pregnant again, this time I was carrying his child. I aborted it when it was three weeks old. After the first one, I thought I would be more careful and went for a birth control program but I had a very strong reaction towards hormones used, so I quit it & we used condoms for a while. That day, I took EC still but they failed me again.
The second one, I was really depressed, lost too much weight as I was not eating & my blood sugar was low mostly. I couldn’t talk to my fiance as he too was depressed. Almost an year now & we hardly talk about it.
Whenever I see a pregnant lady, I wonder how it feels to carry it full term ,how my baby would like, if a girl or boy , I love kids and am always craving to hold one of my own. I feel guilty and selfish too as my desire to further my education drove me to procure my second abortion. I was working but was the cash was too little for both of us (the kid & me), my fiance said it was wrong timing & doesn’t want his kid to grow up in a different environment, as I would raise the kid while at my mom’s house. It would mean extra costs for him when paying the dowry as he has to pay for the kid’s expenses my mum has catered for.
At times I wonder if I should break up with him or go on with the relationship. My mum is loving thus raising the grandkid would be no issue as she strongly opposes abortion. I don’t think I would go through an abortion again the emotional pain is worse than the physical pain.
Hi Caffy,
I will pray for both you and your fiance. Please read our page on finding a post-abortion healing program. It could be very valuable for both of you. It may also be the key to saving your relationship. Often the stress of an unhealed abortion experience can be toxic in an ongoing relationship. But if you can grieve and mourn and heal together, you may end up more in love and committed to each other than ever.
I’m 27 years old I have my husband for 10 years now n we have three beautiful kids a 9 year old son 6 yea r old daughter and a 3 year old daughter .we are in a tuff position because I’m pregnant again n want another abortion if I’m less then 12 weeks because otherwise I’m keeping it .the only thing is I’ve already had 9 abortions n I’m scared come on 10th abortion how irresponsible is that ???im. Disappointed in myself and don’t know what to do please guide me into a better direction.ty
Hi Rachael, so glad that you have written. I’m so sorry for what you have been through. Having more than one abortion is more common than a lot of people think, so please know you are not alone. It sounds like you would like to break out of this pattern and find a new direction with this pregnancy. I would really encourage you to talk with a counselor at a crisis pregnancy center for help. They can help both with resolving and healing the past abortions as well as giving you support with your current pregnancy. They are there to help, not be judgmental or condemning. You can find some nationwide resources listed at http://www.theunchoice.com/pregnancyhelp.htm, or go right to http://optionline.org/ which should be able to connect you to a center locally. I would also suggest taking a look at our post-abortion help page which has lots of information about finding healing from past abortions http://afterabortion.org/?page_id=3718
I have committed it four times; all before 6 years. Now the thought is haunting me. I am 39 by now. Just broke up with my fiance because he doesn’t want a child. Four abortions! The thought is killing me every second. I have a fear I might have some problem in my cervix; like cancer (afraid to get tested), I have a fear I might not get pregnant ever, I have a fear I will pay the price of my sin here on earth and later. I cry when I think about it, I want to scream; of all, I keep thinking of suicide. I really want at least one child. As I mentioned, I am not young anymore.
I don’t know how you can help me. Where are you? I am an African but currently lives in Europe . The pain of guiltiness is aching my soul.
I don’t think I can forgive myself even if God does (if he could)
Blessings to you
Please read our tips on finding post-abortion help.
While I don’t have a complete list, I know there are many programs in Europe. For example, you will find a schedule of the Rachel’s Vineyard’s international retreats here.
There are also many good books and websites that can help you.
What you describe, the inability to forgive yourself is very common. Don’t give up hope. Reject every thought of hurting yourself. There is help, most of it from women who have been exactly where you are and have experienced not only the miracle of God’s forgiveness, but the miracle of a healing that took them beyond themselves to a place of healing.
Hang in there. You are in our prayers. If you have trouble finding a program, let us know and what country and city you are in, and we will see if we can help you find a program.
thanks EL again for your support, i just want you to know that i have just spoken to my fiancee and to my suprise he was really supportive as he didn’t even scold me or shouted one bit only advised me to be more careful next time. but of course there is a problem as he thinks i should abort the pregnancy because he wouldn’t want to be marrying me with another man’s baby in my stomach and of course by september my pregnancy will be so visible. i have asked him to give me time to think about it and i know it will also give him more time to think about what he suggested too. so for now, this is the point where we are now. i will keep trusting God to see us through this terrible challenge. thank you again for the courage you gave me and i am happy i decided to empty my sorrows today as i now feel so light headed now. thanks alot.
Dear Anita,
I’m very glad to hear that he has been understanding…at least up to a point. It’s easy to understand his initial reaction and how he can imagine that an abortion would fix things. Now it is time to see if he’s able to deepen his understanding to see that an abortion would hurt you and your relationship, whereas in contrast, if he could reaffirm his love for you by accepting this baby it would deepen your relationship in so many ways.
First, I would suggest that both of you read about he risk factors which identify women who are at greatest risk of psychological harm from abortion. Having multiple abortions increases the risk. (I would also, strongly recommend that you get in touch with a post-abortion healing ministry to help you through this crisis, and also to address issues with your past abortions which may interfere with your relationship and ability to be the best mom that you can be.)
If you like, I can also send you and/or him a complimentary copy of Victims and Victors which includes the testimonies of women who had rape pregnancies, many of whom aborted and others of whom carried to term. The interviews and testimonies of these women suggest that the vast majority of women who aborted regretted their decision while the vast majority of those who carried to term are glad they did. Neither path is easy. But only one will make you feel proud of yourself and will give you a child who will always love you and be grateful to you.
If you would like my phone number for ongoing support, let me know and I will send it to you via private email.
Thank you EL for your sincere advice, i will do just as you have adviced as it is the right thing to do. i guess the problem i am faced with now is how to tell him because he is currently working abroad and we are suppose to have our wedding there. pls advice me if it’s right to tell him over the phone, now that the pregnancy is barely 3weeks or tell him when i see him by july which i consider a bit late because the pregnancy will be about 4 months and visible. my situation is indeed terrible and i don’t even wish this for anyone. i guess this is my destiny and i can’t do anything about it. and yes he knows about my past abortions but not the actual number of abortions i have had. honestly i feel so lost and i am beginning to believe i am not destined to be married to the man i love. thank you again as i feel more relaxed and confident in your last reply.
Dear Anita,
His being overseas makes telling him more difficult, of course, but it doesn’t really change anything. You need to tell him as soon as possible.
I would suggest texting him or emailing him in advance to tell him you have important, bad news to share with him and how you wish you could share it in person so you could hold his hands and see his eyes. But since you can’t, you ask him to find at least an hour when you can talk and his mind will be centered on you and that he will prepare his heart with all the love he can muster for you, because you really need it now above all other times. Ask him in advance for understanding, patience and a willingness to listen patiently and to bring his best self forward.
If possible, perhaps you can use Skype or some other video call option so you can at least see each other.
As suggested above, try to prepare him as much in advance as possible so he won’t be caught totally off guard and will be in a position to listen with an attitude of concern for you rather than fear or judgment. Make it clear that you are already relying on him to help you through this trial precisely because you love him so much.
If he is at all spiritual, ask him to pray in advance to open ask for wisdom and an open heart in preparation for your conversation. You should pray the same way . . . maybe put in a good five or six periods of 15 minutes of prayer into it for the next day or two.
If you can pray together at the beginning of your conversation with him, that would be good too. I’d suggest this outline: praise God’s Holy Name; thank Him for the gift of each other; ask God’s forgiveness for all the mistakes of your past, including those where you made bad decisions or allowed others to hurt you; ask for God’s blessings on your future; entrust yourselves to His will, promising to seek His will in all things; then praise His Holy Name again and thank Him for the gift of faith.
You might even consider writing a prayer in our own words, at least touching on each of the points above, and share it via email with your fiance asking him to pray in in advance of the call and to read it with you at the beginning of your call.
You are in my prayers. Easter Sunday is tomorrow. I pray that you will experience the joy of resurrected hope and life renewed.
i know this post is old but i just need advice on what to do. i have had 5 D/C before all 3weeks pregnancy within age 15 to 27. i ended those pregnancies because then i felt that was the right thing to do as i was never in love then with my ex who wanted to get me pregnant by all means. now i’m 30yrs old and finally found the man of my dreams, we are engaged about to be married in september and we are celibate. but my nightmare just begun as i am currently 3weeks pregnant again by my ex who raped me while i was unconcious because i had a few drink when he invited me over for his birthday. i still have a feeling i was druged by him because he got jealous when he saw my ring. i trusted him and never thought he would do such to me. right now all i think about is suicide or have another abortion but i am just so confused because i thought i was over with repeated abortions. i am alone in this and very depressed. i can’t live without my fiancee and i doubt he will acept me with another man’s baby. this is the worst phase of my life, i finally fell in love with the man of my dreams but unfortunately pregnant by an ex with choices of suicide or another abortion to make it six. please advice me on what to do before i make a wrong decision.
Dear Anita,
My heart goes out to you in your terrible situation. First, I encourage you to get in touch with a pregnancy help counselor . . . if only to have an understanding woman who will listen to you, hug you, and support you.
Am I correct in assuming you have already told your fiance about your past abortions? I hope you have. If you haven’t that is the place to start. If you already have, begin by telling him how you desperately do not ever want to go through another abortion again. He will likely reassure you that he would never push you for an abortion.
Then, tell him how your jealous ex- took advantage of you, likely with drugs but certainly with rape. Tell him this is all the worst possible thing you can imagine telling him, how you love him and don’t want to lose him, but you are afraid you are pregnant and you’re terribly afraid of both losing him and having another abortion. Tell him you love him and hope that he can love you enough to love this baby, who is truly your baby even if he or she was conceived in rape.
Before either of you consider an abortion, please read some of the testimonies of women who have had abortions following rape. You’ll find more related articles here.
It is my hope, and prayer, that your fiance is truly a noble man and gentle soul. If so, I am confident that he will surprise you with how deep and generous his love truly is. He won’t be the first such man who will gladly accept his fiance’s unborn child and love him as his own. I personally know of a couple cases very similar. It is truly inspiring what a noble heart can accept, embrace and do for his beloved! Don’t sell him short.
Give him a chance to show his love, especially in this situation where you are most afraid of losing it, and it will deepen your love and admiration of him beyond measure.
I suggest that you bring it up soon rather than later. I know it is hard. And there is the risk that he won’t understand. But there is a greater certainty that if you keep this a secret, and have an abortion in secret, that secret will rot at your relationship. It will be a sign of your lack of trust in him. And even if you tell him the truth after the fact, it will hurt him that you didn’t trust him enough to tell him before.
I know it’s hard. So, very very very hard. But the right, loving thing to do is to tell him and pray his love is big enough to accept this situation and to love you with all his might.
You are in my prayers.
Hi El,
I’m 21 & had an abortion in December last year. I really wanted to keep the baby and had convinced the father, now my fiance, who had been against me keeping it, to support me. The reason why he was asking me to abort was because he already has a 3 year old son that he’s struggling to support since we are both still in College & also that we were having a fling with relationships on the side @ the time I fell pregnant. I told him I wouldn’t abort because its illegal, against everything I believe in & I’ve had previous problems with my cervix so I feared it would affect my fertility. He accepted & respected my decision but everything went wrong when I told my mom. She immediately asked me what would be more important, having this fatherless unplanned baby or continuing with my education. I chose my baby & she told me I’d have to start thinking about paying my own fees & finding a job to take care of my self & my disgrace of a pregnancy. That’s when I started thinking about my possible future which led me to choosing te abortion. I asked to to schedule the appointment since she said she had a contact to do the procedure (its illegal in my country) I had the kind where pills are placed in the opening of the cervix to induce labor or something. It was done in a dark hospital room & it all seemed so dodgy. I still get chills thinking about the ordeal.
I think she did this because I told her I had a holiday fling out of the country & lost contact with the baby’s father because I feared that if I told her who the father was she wouldn’t understand since she knew my boyfriend at the tym. & also if I told her he didn’t want the baby @ first because he couldn’t support it & all she wouldn’t accept him later (I had come to realise I was in love with him). In my tradition there is a lot that goes on when a child is concieved out of wedlock & in most cases than not, the couple ends up seperated because of the friction & the payments for the “damage” done to the girl. I knew that our new “relationship” wouldn’t last if we went through that traditional route & that he would struggle by having to fend for himself once it was found out he’d impregnated another girl. It would seem like he is old enough to take care of himself if he can go & get another different girl pregnant. I love him & I didn’t want him to suffer because I was being selfish for wanting to keep the baby when we had so much to lose if I had it.
I put myself last & went ahead with the abortion. The pills took effect about 5 hrs later & it hurt so much. It was more the pain of losing the baby I wanted so bad & having done such a cruel thing than it was the cramps & all that. I bled for almost 2months & that was the most difficult time. I thought I would go mad from the depression & I secluded myself all that time. It took months to mend the relationship with my mother & my fiance helped me get over my anger & hate and assisted me in mending the broken bond. I still hate myself for it & find myself hoping to fall pregnant again so I can make right everything I did wrong. I had picked out names 4 the baby & couldn’t wait to be a mother & now I find myself wondering if God will ever forgive me for what I did & entrust me with a baby. I should have just gone rouge & been a struggling single mother than to go through this pain everyday. I would hv been 8months pregnant now & I know I would be happier than I am now.
I found out from havin a sonogram that I had a uterine cyst afta the abortion & feared that if I took birth control something could go wrong considering my previous mentioned cervical problems as well. I want to be a mother but I’m afraid if I fall pregnant again I might have to go through it again. My fiance still has to do all the traditional work & pay the bride price before I can be considered his wife & dat usually takes a year or two because it costs a lot. I don’t want to lose him by falling pregnant again because I’m terrified to use birth control. Please help me. I’m afraid to go to the gynae because they might notice I aborted & arrest me. So I dnt know if I’m okay or not. Its frightening & depressing & I don’t know how to deal with it all. I can never forgive myself for murdering my baby & hurting myself more than I can ever be able to deal with all this. Please help me. 🙁
Dear Nikky,
I don’t know what country you are in, but if you can find any post-abortion healing support groups, I pray you will do so and go get support and guidance to help you through the healing process. God will forgive you. But He is also hoping you will learn from this experience to both grow into a better person and also to help others.
One of the things you should have learned is that to avoid going through this again, you need to insist that your fiance respect your loss and respect your body and your fertility. The whole you. And that respect includes being abstinent until marriage. There is actually much wisdom in the “old ways” in every culture which are built around the idea that intercourse belongs in marriages where husbands, wives, and extended families can rejoice at every pregnancy and confidently work to provide for the children conceived. In such a pro-life culture, abortion is rarely considered because people are ready to WELCOME children into their lives.
Birth control is not a solution. Most forms of birth control involve additional health risks to you, plus every method has a failure rate which may lead to an unexpected pregnancy and another abortion. Indeed, every one of the birth control methods involving drugs (pills or shots) or inserts (like Norplant or intrauterine devices) work at least in part by causing the abortion of human embryos before or shortly after they implant in the uterus. The primary method of the pill, for example, is to suppress ovulation. But because a heavy dose of the hormones used to suppress ovulation 100% of the time involves more severe health risks, the modern “low dose” pills allow for occasional “breakthrough” ovulation which may then allow for fertilization and procreation of an embryo — in which case other hormones in the “low dose” pill act to cause an early abortion to “flush” away the baby before it is securely implanted in the womb.
So my advise is simple. Instead of talking to a gynecologist to ask for birth control, talk to your fiance and ask (even demand) that if he loves you and wants to protect you from another abortion (and the problems associated with birth control) that he accept that you need to save intercourse for marriage. If necessary, he can consider this time to be a bit of penance for the abortion and a down payment on proving to you that he loves you for you. the whole of you, not just sex. The whole of you includes your fertility. Which means he must respect your fertility and not “play” with it until he is ready to accept and love the consequences of it . . . namely, your children. Maybe a little more abstinence will help to motivate him to work extra hard to pay the bride price so you can marry sooner rather than later.
You are in our prayers. I especially pray you will find some help with working through your grief and loss. Don’t give up hope. Because of your sorrow and repentance, God is ready and willing to forgive you. With the help and good example of others, you will someday be able to forgive yourself, too. Part of that process begins with learning from your mistakes. Demanding abstinence and the respect from your fiance which is the whole point of “waiting until we are married” is part of what God wants you to learn from your past. It’s not easy. Especially when your fiance is used to having his way with you. But I promise that it is the best for you . . . even if you lose this fiance, because if you wait for a guy who will love you enough to wait for you and wait until he can truly love and support you and children, you will undoubtedly be happier throughout your life.
I had my first abortion at age 21 by a boyfriend of 4 years,with whom i lost my virginity to (i blame peer pressure, I wasn’t ready). Once i told him I was pregnant the next day i had the abortion, that’s how much he didn’t want the baby. I took the pill and it became affective the next night while i was walking home.i couldn’t walked and called my boyfriend to come out and help me, he got mad because he was in the middle of an live video game but promised he would come. I’ve waited an hour and a half before i was able to make it to the house on my own. With that, I left once I turned 22.
I had no where to go so i moved to an shelter that promised within four months of staying there i would get my own apartment. A councilor I was going to convince me to stay at the shelter. Since i had a job it would be faster finding me a place to stay. Not true.
While the time there I meet an older guy, 20 years difference, who help me overcome my depression. We put our money together and got an one bedroom. it wasn’t even a year and i was pregnant again by this older guy who became abusive once we left the shelter. There was no question asked whether to keep it or not.abortion number 2.
He wanted to keep it but didn’t tell me till after the baby was gone. Everyday I felt regret and everyday he reminds me of what I did to his baby. Remind you I was getting beat on during the 5 month pregnancy. 4 months later I’m pregnant again, for the third time. Yes I did do birth control. He wants to keep it but looking at our relationship i don’t know what to do.
1. Since leaving the shelter he still hasn’t found a stable job.
2. I have a car he don’t, I take the bus since the little work he do get is “on call”. 3. He’s no longer physical abusive just verbally. He smoke and drinks.
4. There’s no way I can take care of a baby with only my income, that’s three mouths I gotta feed plus bills.neither of us is eligible for welfare, we tired numerous of times.
If I do leave him, he would be back on the streets, but i doubt it since every time I try to leave he tells me that i won’t make it past the door. So far he hasn’t done nothing wrong to cause me to leave.he really want to keep the baby and tells me everyday how he appreciate my sacrifice.he has no family, all of them are dead and mine’s don’t want to be involved.
I was in school and getting my bachelor, once i lost my virginity everything went down hill. If I do have the baby I know i won’t be able to go back to school and will be stuck with someone I’m afraid of. If i don’t have the baby it will be easier to leave this relationship once he gets a car. I’m deciding to have my tubes tied no matter what my decision will be. I just don’t want to leave in regret wether I have it and struggle or don’t have it and with my tubes being tied not to conceive again.
Please help.
Please take the time to go to at least two pregnancy help centers that you can find on this link.
There are a lot more resources and people out there than you think and many have been where you are and can help you through this. They may also be able to give the father of your baby the counseling he needs to treat you better and to wake up to his responsibilities to you and your baby.
Most pregnancy resource centers that you find through this page can also help you find post-abortion healing program, which can be very helpful.
I implore you not to have another abortion. Each repeat abortions increases both the physical and psychological risks and consequences for you. It is so much better to break this cycle, even if you can’t support the baby and decide that adoption is the best option. Even that would be better for you than having another abortion. You don’t have to decide on the adoption option until the baby is due, or even after it is born. But I promise you won’t regret giving birth to your child, whether you raise the child yourself or place it for adoption. But an abortion, you will regret.
I also caution you against getting your tubes tied. You will eventually want to have children . . . all the more so because of your past abortions. And having children will be good for you and your healing. But tubal ligations are not always easy to reverse, and can be far more expensive. Again, talk to a pregnancy help center counselor — a pro-life counselor, not a family planning counselor who is often an advocate of sterilization to advance population control interests rather than your personal interests.
You are in our prayers. Please email or call if we can be of more help.
I really feel helpless right now. I’m about 6 weeks pregnant, and I am single, although I am pregnant by my ex boyfriend.
I just went through an abortion 7 months ago with the same man (he was an ex at this time also) when I was 6 weeks, and although it was stressful and I cried for a couple days, I got over it….or so I thought.
After a few months after the abortion I would feel like I wanted my baby and was very sorry for having the abortion. The thing is, I had the abortion so that I would not have to deal with the father, who I had previously broken up with because I didn’t see a future with him. He’s a good guy, our personalities just don’t match which creates lots of petty arguments, and I’ve had better relationships so I know I can have better.
Well, in the past few months, I was feeling bad about not wanting to be with him and aborting his first child (he would always still call and beg me back) just because of “personality differences” and figured maybe we should take the time out to be friends and figure each other out before we get back into a relationship, and start having sex. (I was turned off from sex for months for fear of getting pregnant and having these feelings because I knew I wasn’t ready to build a family with him). This man is very forceful. When I say forceful, I mean taking advantage of my kindness to him. Like taking a mile when I give him an inch. Days he wanted to come over, I would decline, but he will just beg and bargain until I agreed. Coming over turned into spending hours…then overnights…then overnight daily, and now he has been in my house for 2 months with no agreement about moving in at all. I feel like he just forced himself onto my turf…into my bed and everything else. That makes me resent him, and part of the reasons why I broke up with him in the first place.
I hate feeling like I’m being controlled, when I just wanted to be kind to him and give us a chance to have a better relationship so that we could bring about a relationship, marriage, and more kids. (I have 2 already, he has none).
Well now I am pregnant by him again, and I am so miserable because I tried to prevent this very same thing from happening, even voicing all my fears and concerns to him. I just wanted the chance for me and him to bring about a baby that we both wanted in love, and now I feel that won’t happen because I have too much resentment towards him. I feel like he intruded into me and my children’s lives in a selfish manner, only worried about his wants, and not that of mine. I’ve been trying to kick him out my house in the past few days, and I actually truly want him out my life for good this time, but I guess that’s not possible being that I’m pregnant again.
I don’t want to have a repeat abortion, because what they don’t tell society is, that its a very TRAUMATIC experience that NO ONE should go through…but its OUR CHOICE right?
My questions and concerns are… How do I cope with wanting the baby but not wanting the father? I hate that I even have to deal with him forever and ever. I feel as if he did this to keep me in his life which makes me resent him even more. Now all I’m asking is for my peace and to be left alone and he doesn’t even want to do that. I cry everyday and I’m very miserable and depressed being that I don’t know what to do with myself. Almost makes me feel like I need to go through with the abortion so I won’t be bothered with him any longer. Suggestions please.
You asked for our recommendations.
First. Don’t have an abortion. As you already know from your first abortion, it’s a traumatic experience. And women who have multiple abortions have even more problems than those who have one. This is NOT the best way to get him out of your life.
Second. If you really want your space, tell him to move out by next weekend (or this weekend, if he has a place to go), explaining that you need your space and need to have time to figure out if there is any place in your life for him, other than being able to see the baby after he or she is born.
I’d suggest leaving the door open to you guys working things out . . . but be clear that it has to be on your schedule, not his. For now, he needs to go. He needs to show that he respects your needs, including your need for some distance right now. If and when you decide to marry, then you’ll be committed to putting up with each other. But for now, you need your space. If he balks, or even before he balks, let him know that you are serious and will cause the police to have him forcibly removed if he does not move out by your set date.
Third. You should read our tips on finding a post-abortion healing program. I strongly recommend that you participate in a program to help you work through your past abortion because it will strengthen you in sorting out if and how you should have a relationship with the father of this child and also to be a better mother . . . since unresolved abortion issues can impact how you interact with your children in negative ways.
You should also consider asking this guy to participate in the post-abortion healing program with you. Rachel’s Vineyard is particularly conducive to women and men going through it together. It’s hard for me to imagine that the two of you can develop a truly healthy and balanced relationship unless and until you both work through how the abortion has affected both you and him . . . and he has empathy for what you’ve been through and you have empathy for what he’s been through . . . and he may be hiding a lot of that, and it may even help explain why he has tried to push his way back into your life in such an indelicate way.
It may well be that the two of you can work things out. I hope so, for both your sakes and for the sake of you unborn child. But that path requires both of you to work through your healing and your relationship in a respectful manner.
He needs to understand and respect that you need your space right now. And you need to be firm in requiring that he respect that need . . . even if it means asking the police to remove him and getting a court order.
Again, I recommend that you tell him that you are still willing to seeing if and how he can fit into your life and that of your child. But his refusing to give you the space and time you need to figure that out is hurting his chances, not helping them.
You are all in our prayers.
I had two abortions, one in 2011 the other in 2012, all around the exact same time. The first one I wanted, no question, because of financial situations and my situation period. The guy I was pregnant by wasn’t my boyfriend we were just having sex..he was supportive of my decision which ever it was. I didn’t feel much and didn’t regret much, I thought about it from time to time but I was never regretful, until I got pregnant again.
The second time, I was in a relationship for about six months when I found out. I was excited this time around, I thought he would be excited too. His reaction at first was distant, then he told me not to abort it, which excited me more. Days later, he must have spoke to his family and friends and had a change of heart. Reminded me of the situation we were in and how afraid he was to become a father which sort of frightened me. I didn’t want to end up like many women I know. Being a single parent didn’t scare me but the thought of how it would affect the child.
I’ve seen how being without a parent can affect a kid and I don’t want my child to go through what I did. I want my child to have a clear childhood and not grow up too fast or see/know things before it is time. I look at my sister and how my niece is raised, she is a very smart girl, but since it is just her and my sister she has been watching herself since she was pretty much four, because lack of baby sitting. Idk.
Back to the second abortion. I was discouraged after hearing him be so negative when before he was so positive. I began to agree with what he was saying. I told my mom about it and I knew she wanted it as well but she wouldn’t say those exact words. I didn’t want this abortion at all but I felt it was logical. So I went through with it. Afterwards I felt numb and back to normal and depressed again as I began to feel regret for the first one. A few months I began to feel very depressed and guilt, I was still with the guy and found out he got another woman pregnant. I went through a point, when I couldn’t see babies or would feel a certain way when I saw other women with their children.
Today, I found out I’m pregnant a third time, by an older man with 7 kids. Idk what to think. Part of me wants to keep it because I know I would regret it if I didn’t. The other part of me is feeling what I felt last year. Financially I feel it will get better with time, but the deciding factor that resulted in my other terminations was me living with my alcoholic mom. She is very depressed and she drinks and hums all day. I look past it sometimes but it’s draining, she gets into her moods and is very volatile angry and violent at the drop of a dime. I don’t want to raise my kid around that though I have no where else to go. I see how the way she acts affects my niece and nephew, she yells and disrespect us in front of them and it rubs off on them. I also seen what this did to her and my sister’s relationship, she kicked my sis out when my niece was two and from then on constantly called her badness to my niece.
I’m not tring to blame my decisions or base my decision on my mom or anyone else. I just believe a child is a victim of their surroundings and are easily influenced. I haven’t talked to the father yet because he just used me for sex I’m not sure how this is going to pan out. I’m lost I don’t want the depression that my family and I are drowned in to affect my child. But I don’t know if I’m strong enough to go through this pregnancy or even without it..from reading previous comments I do have a mental problem or depression with pregnancy but I definitely don’t want to ruin a innocent life with my uncurable issues…help please.
Dear Monique,
I know it’s hard. Your life is already hard enough and the immediate obligations and duties revolving around having a child won’t make it easier . . . but having a child can, and generally does, make your life more meaningful and fulfilling.
You write about being afraid that circumstances surrounding you are less than ideal for raising a child. I’m sure that’s true. But circumstances can change and can get better, and having a child to love and protect is often what motivates people to finally make things better.
Most importantly, it’s just tricking yourself with words to say you “don’t want to ruin an innocent life with my uncurable issues.” Aborting a life is more than ruining a life. It is 100% ending a life. Studies show that children born to single mothers, even in dire poverty, grow up happy that they were born. Their lives aren’t perfect. But they aren’t ruined, either. They have a chance, and ups and downs like everyone else. Even a life that is 10%, 20% or 80% “ruined” by being born into less than ideal circumstances is 90%, 80% or 20% “better” off than the life that is destroyed and not given a chance to experience your love.
It’s a common “excuse” to justify abortion with the idea that a child is better to kill an unborn child than expose that child to the hardships of being born into a world that doesn’t promise him or her a better start in life. But that guess that a child is better off dying before birth is just that, a guess. Many, even most, children are born into a less than perfect situation, but by some grace of God there are blessing and opportunities that will come to them. Don’t try to justify another abortion as you doing a favor to your child by protecting him or her from being around a drunken grandmother.
Please call a pregnancy help center to find out what resources and help they can give you to help you give your child a better start and childhood than you had. That would be best for the child, and for you. With each abortion, as you have already found, the emotional burden and harm it does to you is greater. A third abortion will just make things worse. By contrast, having this child can also help to start you on the road to recovery from your first two abortions.
Please let us know if we can provide any more help. But the people you most need to talk to are the experienced and equipped pregnancy help centers nearest you.
You are in our prayers. We pray you will stand firm. Choose life so that you may have life abundantly.
Hi,you helped me in 2013. I kept my child. She’s almost 4 and is the best thing that has happened to me. I found a better paying job and her father is not in her life. We are doing good. However, my mom is now living with us and I’m taking care of her. Which is fine because she is no longer drinking. I want to thank you for saving me 3 years ago. Your advice changed my life.
Unfortunately, I am in the same place again. I really believe I am pregnant by a guy that I have been dating. He’s a great man. But, he has 3 kids and he lives with one of the mothers. I know, how can I be so stupid?
I am considering abortion for a 3rd time. And to be honest, my reason is very selfish. It would be because of his living situation. And that’s it. My daughter wants a sibling and I loved my experience with her. I want one too. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m already going to hell for the 1st two. Although, I do not know if i am yet. I am sure. Please help….again.
Dear Monique,
I’m glad you wrote us. How can we help you? What do you need other than encouragement to do what you already know is the right thing to do?
Your daughter has already proven to you that keeping your child will be a blessing on both you and her, and your mother. The idea that an abortion will solve any problems, without introducing bigger problems, is a temptation. It may appeal to some part of you that prefers the simplicity of cutting out the complexities it creates regarding this guy and his own complicated relationships with other children and other mothers. And I’m sure there are complexities there.
But this is your child! Your daughter’s sibling. Your mother’s grandchild. You will never regret having this child but you will carry many regrets if you abort him.
You lost two children to abortion. God has blessed you with two living children. Embrace these blessings. They are God’s way of saying He has not given up on you. Obviously, I can’t promise that everything will be easy. But I can promise that the blessing you will receive will far exceed the difficulties. And remember, with each abortion you have, the risks to you and your family increase.
Regarding your continued feelings of guilt about your past abortions, if you haven’t yet participated in a post-abortion healing program, please do. If you already have, find another and go again. You really can and should come to understand that God has forgiven you precisely because you have turned to Him with a broken and contrite heart. The ongoing feelings of guilt are just another temptation to hold you back. But true contrition also requires a resolve not to go the same way again. So even this temptation to have another abortion is an opportunity to show God that you truly are contrite and won’t make the same mistake again.
Please hang in there. Call us or one of the pregnancy help hotlines if you would like to speak to someone. You are in our prayers. Be strong.
Hi Monique.
You have been in our prayers. How are you doing? Can we do anything more we can do to help you? Would you like us to share your note with our email list so you can receive encouragement, advise, and prayers from others?
How are you doing? Did you see our previous emails? Is there anything more we can do for you? I have been praying for you every day.
I pray, Alexandra, that you choose life for the baby with whom you are now pregnant. Please remember that even if you are unable to provide care for this baby, there are SO many couples that are hoping and praying for a baby and would gladly adopt yours as their own. God be with you.
I found this article pretty disturbing and one sided. Making all women who have had repeat abortions depressed and mentally unstable. I am a 21 year old university student, I am a single mother, I have had 2 abortions in the past year and yet again I am pregnant. I never thought I would be this girl. I am smarter than this, I have morals beyond this. Yet I need help. I need to have this 3rd abortion. That will make 3 abortions in 1 year for me. 3 abortions in my lifetime that I never thought or wanted. This is against my religious, moral, ethical, and spiritual beliefs. I can not believe I am pregnant this was NOT my choice and I tried to prevent it. But I can not be pregnant now, I can not have a child now.
I would have no job, no home, no means of support for my daughter, and no future for my daughter or myself. My significant other promised to get a vasectomy the same time I am getting this last and final abortion to ensure that this does not happen again. I am not depressed I am not wanting to harm myself. I am very upset with myself and feel like a horrible person. But I need to do what is best for my child.
Not everyone who has had multiple abortions requires mental health evaluations or isn’t fazed by it at all. Rather, we need support and knowledge that we are going to be okay. Ensurance and kind words for our lost and never forgotten children in another world better than this.
Dear Alexandra,
I understand your distress. You’ve trusted that birth control measures would prevent pregnancy, but now you’re pregnant a third time! And I understand how even the thought of giving birth to this baby is chilling — totally overturning your life plans and raising countless concerns about how you feel unprepared to be the good mother you would want to be. I also understand the feelings of shame that you are going through this same cycle again and again.
But the only honest advice I can give you is to break they cycle. Don’t do it again. Trust that there is something real and good in your “religious, moral, ethical and spiritual beliefs” which is not only guiding you to know what is right, but also is guiding you to reap the rewards of doing what is right. It will be hard. It will require adjustments, but having your child will be the most rewarding decision of your life. I promise, you won’t regret it. But an abortion, on top of two others, you will regret.
Sure, it may make sense from a life planning perspective. But on an emotional and spiritual level, it is like cutting off another limb. Sure, you may be able to cope with it — at least for a time — but you are lying to yourself if you think it won’t have long lasting negative effects on your life. There are so many indications in your note, and even the fact that you wrote it, that you already know that your veneer of coping with the other two abortions is already cracking. You are already on a down hill slide, and having this baby is one of they few things that can help pull you out of it.
I know you’re concerned about the financial issues having an unplanned child will raise, and about finishing school. But remember there are many resources available to help. Both public and private resources. Please talk to a pregnancy help center to at least get a more realistic assessment about what resources are available to help you. Don’t let your exaggerated fears drive you into a decision that you will regret.
You wrote that we should be offering support and encouragement of the idea that having multiple abortions is okay. I understand that sometimes hearing a kind lie is easier than hearing the truth. But especially in this case, the lie causes more harm and the truth is more likely to set you free.
I’m sure you will receive lots of reassuring and kind words at the abortion clinic. But they will be lies. Kind lies. Intended to help you through the day. But, as you already know as you right about your already “lost and never forgotten children,” lies that pretend you have not lost children but only fetal tissue. They will be lies that ignore all the additional problems which will arise if your partner has a vasectomy that ends up being irreversible and a huge heartache to him–and perhaps you, too–in the future if either or both of you are unable to have children in the future.
Remember, the abortion clinic counselor operates under the principle of just helping you to get through the day with the least stress possible. She will reassure you. She will agree with how sensible you are being. But she won’t and can’t promise that you will be happy with this decision 25 years from now, or even 10 years, 5 years, or 1 year from now. In her mind, “honoring” your choice means leaving it up to you to reap both the good and the bad of this decision without her interference.
We’re different. We want you to learn from what thousands of women have directly told us who have been in your shoes. It is easier to adjust and cope with an unplanned baby being born into your life than to adjust and cope with the loss of, as you put it yourself, “never forgotten children” who simply ask one thing of their parents: acceptance.
In some small way, you wrote because you were disturbed that you did not receive the reassurance and soothing of your conscience that you hoped for. Indeed, the whole reason you searched and found this article is because on some level you were already worried and already knew this was a bad idea, but were hoping to find some reassurance that it wasn’t a bad idea. So the kind thing, and the true thing, is to tell you that your fear and premonition that having a third abortion was not a good thing is right on. Please don’t do this. I’m saying this for your own good. Not for your child’s. But for you. Call a pregnancy help center. Make an appointment. Look into what resources may be available to help you finish school even while you are pregnant, even after you give birth to it. Start thinking about how the challenge and strength you will develop in doing the right thing, rather than just the easy thing, will reward your life.
Be not afraid. Life is good. Accepting this gift of new life into your life is the best thing you can do not only for your child, but for yourself.
You are in my prayers.
Hey this is so true, I had an abortion 3months ago, I felt my soul leave me, because I did not have enough support from my boyfriend cos he ddint know how to handle it either. I felt like I lost everything , I keep looking at my baby boy’s picture every night before I go to bed. And now I’m pregnant again.God I feel horrible because I prayed for my baby to come back to his mummy, that I promise to show him much love more than he even deserves, but truth of the matter is that I’m not even ready for a baby, I’m in my second year in the university, I still have two more years to go, I don’t want to have a baby and be a drop out, how M I gonna care and provide for this baby? So I want everything in due time, I really need to go on with this abortion, but I’m scared of the way I’d feel after it, the pain I might go through, I might end up hating my self again. Right now I’m shedding tears while typing this, I need help please.im just 20.
Hello Dion,
I can see how abortion might seem like the only answer here. You are in a difficult situation and it might seem like the only option you have if you want to finish school. But it doesn’t have to be!
If you have been struggling after your first abortion a second one won’t make things better. I can’t see how doing the same thing that already made you feel bad — already made you feel like your soul left you and you lost everything, as you say — is going to help. It sounds like you need to heal and find a way to not get trapped into feeling compelled to do the same thing again.
Dropping out or getting an abortion don’t need to be the only answers. Have you tried to find out about any programs, resources or support for pregnant and parenting students? Is your family able to support you? What about your boyfriend? Have you thought about adoption? Have you researched any centers or support groups in your area that can help? Women do go to school and have babies … with the right support, it can be done.
It sounds like you don’t really want to abort, in your heart. I would really, really encourage you to look into ALL your options (there may be many more than you think) before making this decision. You are in crisis right now and making quick decisions when you are in crisis is never a good idea. Plus you need to make sure you have all the information possible before making such a life-altering decision.
Feminists for Life has a good resources page to start looking for the kind of information you need. They also have a College Outreach Program that is working with universities to offer more support to pregnant and parenting students.
You can also visit OptionLine or go here for a list of pregnancy resource centers that are there to provide counseling, assistance, and practical support to women in crisis. This is a US list, so if you are outside the US you can email us at elliotinstitute@gmail.com and we can try to help you find a local group.
Finally, there is also support available to help you heal after the abortion you already had. It sounds like you are still grieving and need some help to work through this issue. You can find out more about this on our healing page. Please note that most pregnancy centers offer healing programs as well, so if you are looking for help and information about your current pregnancy you can also inquire about healing programs. You shouldn’t have to keep living with this pain. You can pick up the pieces and get a chance to make a fresh start — while making good decisions for yourself and your baby.
Please feel free to contact me at elliotinstitute@gmail.com if you need to be directed to more information and help than what I’ve posted here.
Here’s another good resource if you are going to school in the U.S. It’s the Pregnant on Campus Initiative, where you can search to see what resources colleges and communities offer for pregnant and parenting students. It’s a good way to get some more information about what is available in your community. You can also email them at pregnancyresources@studentsforlife.org.
Adoption is a great choice too. Give someone who maybe can’t have their own baby a chance to be a mother since you don’t want to. It’s a win win!!!
I’m 32 and 4weeks pregnant. I already have a 9yr old daughter whose father has nothing to do with her. I’m living with my father but was planning to move out in a few months. The guy was a someone I had just started dating and found out he was a total liar. I’ve already had 6 abortions, the first one almost killed me and I’ve also had a miscarriage that almost killed me. I want to keep my baby but don’t want to do it alone again. I know what it’s like to do it alone and it’s hard. I’m afraid I I have this abortion I may never have a chance again. I’ll be 33 in two weeks and feeling like time is running out. After my last abortion I went through severe depression because I wanted to keep the baby so badly. I had already started taking prenatal vitamins and had a sonogram then found out my boyfriend of almost 4 years was cheating on me. It was my third abortion for him. I’m so torn. I want my baby but I know I’ll be criticized for it by my friends and family. What do I do?
“I want my baby…” That answers most of what needs to be answered. You are looking for help and acceptance and support in loving and caring for your child, and you deserve all of these. Please look to the pregnancy help resource centers for both emotional and financial support. Because you have already been through traumatic abortions, I would also strongly recommend that you participate in a post-abortion healing program — at the very least because working through these past abortions will help you to be a better mother to your 9-year-old and a better mother to your unborn child.
All you can do is your best. As you know, you’ve already had a miscarriage and there is a chance you could lose this child yet to miscarriage. But clearly you can and should try your best to avoid that and to give this child a chance . . . and yourself a chance. Trust that God has a plan for your future and will see you through all the troubles and obstacles that will come . . . each of which can help you to become a better mother and a more whole person.
Don’t be afraid of the criticism. First, because it all goes away once they see your wonderful baby. Secondly, because in the face of any criticism you can and should tell them that you already had an abortion which almost killed you, and other abortions which left you emotionally devastated. Going through another abortion would be the biggest mistake you could make. Tell them that instead of repeating your mistake your going to repeat your joy, which came from giving birth to your 9-year-old daughter. Tell them your confident that this is the right thing to do and invite them to support you, and your children, instead of criticizing you. If they continue to be critical, look for love and support from the women at the pregnancy help center. That’s a big part of their ministry. To love and encourage you even when your family and “friends” are falling short in that regard.
Don’t give up hope. Fix your heart and mind on the fact that your unborn child is every bit as real and yours as is your 9-year-old. Protect and love both, and don’t take the guff from anyone who criticizes either.
You’re in our prayers.
Keep it look on utube what they do with abortions at 5 mos and up it will make I cry
i am in a mess a gain after having an abortion am not finacal stable neither m parent i just joined campas help am planimg on havng an abortion
If you have already had an abortion, I recommend you see our tips on healing after an abortion. If you are currently pregnant, I strongly encourage you to resist whatever pressures you are facing that make it seem like abortion is your only choice. There are people and resources to help you carry your baby to term. You are in our prayers.
Am 26yr a kenyan a mother of a 6yr son am 7weeks pregnant my husband is working bt am not working he wants me 2 abort bt i dont want 2 abort this wil b my 5th abortion i av tried 2 talk 2 him bt he has made his mind on aborting his scared of another mouth 2 feed my appointment is set for tomorrow am forced 2 go coz of finance can anybody help me b4 tomorrow pliz can anybody talk 2 him i want 2 kip my pregnancy pliz help
I wish we had some resources or contacts in Kenya to help you. But we don’t. I would suggest talking to a pastor, priest, or religious leader, elder, his parents, anyone who might intervene and help explain to him that forcing you to abort will do more harm than good. You can also tell the doctor you don’t want to have the abortion. Once the child is born, he will regret having pushed you to abort the child.