Can Relationships Survive After Abortion?

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CanRelationships Survive After Abortion?

 

Theresa Karminski Burke, Ph.D.

For some women, abortion is the result of an outright threat of abandonment if the woman won’t “do the right thing” and abort. Other times, the pressure is more subtle: “It’s your decision, but….”

Unfortunately, all the evidence shows that abortion to “save a relationship” almost never works. Many relationships between couples come apart shortly after an abortion. Others survive only because the partners are still bound together by grief. These relationships often turn into prolonged, mutually destructive mourning rituals.(1) Even married couples are often driven apart by an abortion unless they can find a way to complete the grieving process together.

Abortion breeds anger, resentment, and bitterness toward the partner who was not supportive or who ignored their partner’s desire to keep the baby.

At the same time, there is often tremendous pressure in the relationship to conceal one’s true feelings of grief or guilt. This can especially be a problem for men, who are often taught to hide their emotions. Men may also feel obligated to appear “strong” so as not to upset the woman any further.

Men can be affected by abortion in many of the same ways as women. Many men have reported post-abortion problems such as feelings of grief, helplessness and guilt; sexual dysfunction; substance abuse; self-hatred; fear of relationships; risk-taking and suicidal behavior; depression; greater tendencies toward becoming angry and violent; and a sense of lost manhood.(2)larger image When either women or men carry the emotional baggage of an unresolved abortion into a subsequent relationship, it can cause trouble in subtle and even dramatic ways.

This is especially a problem when they keep the abortion a secret from their spouses, who are then unable to understand their emotional cycles. The distortions in behavior that result when spouses keep secrets from each other can be devastating to a marriage.

At the very least, the “need” to keep a past abortion secret prevents couples from giving and receiving unconditional love. This deprives the relationship of the opportunity to reach its full potential.

It is no coincidence that the abortion rate and the domestic violence rate have risen almost side by side. Abortion, for both women and men, is associated with self-hatred, self-punishing behavior, and an increased tendency to act out anger and rage toward others.

A woman who is self-destructive or suicidal, but afraid to deliberately harm herself, may be more likely to become involved with a violent man. A violent relationship may allow her both to express her own rage and to experience what she unconsciously feels is the “punishment I deserve.” Because of self-hatred and low self-esteem, she may remain in the relationship because she thinks she doesn’t deserve anything better.

Certainly, there are many other causes of domestic violence. But substantial statistical evidence and many case studies show that abortion is contributing to this national tragedy.

Until these women and men are provided with an environment that promotes post-abortion healing, they are likely to remain trapped in these cycles of violence.

Dr. Theresa Karminski Burke is a psychotherapist and director of the Center for Post-Abortion Healing and author of Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion. Supporting citations are posted at www.afterabortion.org.

Notes

1. Franke, L. Bird, The Ambivalence of Abortion (New York: Random House Inc., 1978) p. 63. See also Reardon, Aborted Women, 45.

2. Strahan, T., “Portraits of Post-Abortive Fathers Devastated by the Abortion Experience,” Assoc. for Interdisciplinary Research in Values and Social Change, Nov./Dec. 1994.

 

 

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140 Responses to Can Relationships Survive After Abortion?

  1. Rytah says:

    I did an an abortion early this year,and my boyfriend knows about it,he supported me in doing it.But as time went i started feeling hatred towards him,i feel jelous when i see him with other women.Iam now feeling like letting go this relationship. Advise me what do i do

    • EI says:

      We encourage you to find a post-abortion support group where you can talk to other women who have been through the same thing as you are going through now. Some tips and help in finding a group are here: http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/

    • TAS says:

      Hi – I to am in a similar situation as you. We made a join decision to abort but I never knew the greif I would feel after it or how let down I would feel when he was unable to support me.
      I am caught ina cycle of grief, need of his support and love and hate towards him.
      I am hoping counselling and support will clear my mind so I can make the decision that is best for me. Hating the man you love is so hard to understand but taking time to work through your feelings and decide if he is able to meet your emotional needs and give you the future you want will help.
      Sending you kindness

  2. Robert says:

    My girlfriend is having an abortion. She is currently visiting her family in another state. She says she NEEDS me to be on her side. So as a supportive boyfriend I’ve told her I am. She will kill my child and there is nothing I can do. I’m terrified of losing her but I believe this is putting strain that will break us. I’m Roman catholic so this adds another layer of self loathing. I find myself lying to friends and family. Idk what to do. Can loving somebody truly be enough to live with abortion.

    • EI says:

      She is right to ask you to be on her side, but she is wrong to think that there is only one way to be on her side . . . namely by saying you support self-destructive decisions. She is seriously mistaken to think that you should shut off your brain and moral compass and become a “yes” man, and in the long run she will never respect a “yes” man.

      One thing you should do is tell her that your are concerned for her, as well as your child, and also for yourself. Tell her what you’ve read and learned on this website about the emotional and physical risks of abortion for both women and men. Moreover, an abortion is likely to push the two of you apart, while having a child will pull you together. So it is poison for the relationship.

      Tell her you understand her fears, her concerns, and how having a baby will disrupt and change the plans you have made for yourselves and for you as a couple. But life is that way. There will always be things that force us to change our plans and shape new dreams. And if you talk to anyone over 50, they will tell you that these unexpected shifts in our lives are often those that are the most rewarding. God knows better what we need than we know for ourselves.

      Don’t consent to the abortion. Promise to support her, preferably in having the baby. But also promise that you will try to always be there for her if and when she needs a shoulder to cry on . . . because you believe that sooner or later she will regret it if she goes through with the abortion. If she does, it is highly likely that your relationship will not survive the stress . . . no matter what you do, whether you stand by your principles and continue to ask her not to do this to herself, you, and your child, or whether you bite your tongue, much less if you lie to her and yourself saying you are okay with her decision and support it. So it is a mistake to believe that you can betray your own beliefs and fail to be the man of principle that God made you to be (and she wants you to be!) and somehow save, much less improve, your relationship.

      All that said, even if she persists in this misguided and self-destructive path, you can show love and “support” by refraining from making accusations and judgments (calling her a “sinner” or “murderer”, for example) will drive her away, and may even drive her toward the abortion to spite you. As indicated above, there are ways to say that you care for her and will continue to love her even if she does make this mistake, but you can’t support a decision that goes against your own moral beliefs and paternal drive to protect your children, as well as their mother. In that context, it’s okay to say, “I can’t give you my approval for this because it would make me feel like I was sentencing my own child to death. I’m not going to judge you. That’s between you and God. But I can’s say yes to what every cell in my body is telling me is wrong.” As they say in relationship training, use “I” statements talking about your own feelings and avoid (like the plague) any “you” statements which can be interpreted as accusations.

      All of you (you, her, and your baby) are in our prayers. Stand strong. Pray. Look for resources. Encourage her to talk to a pregnancy help center counselor or even a post-abortion counselor who can help her to understand that abortion is trap. It will cause far more problems in her life than it will ever solve.

  3. rose says:

    help me, i had abortion 3 years ago at 18, and have told to my parents, my ex-boyfriend, and best friend. my parents, my family, my ex-bf, ex-bf family all of them consul me to do that, they told me it for my future. for me its not the best choice and its really egoistic.
    i left alone with guilt, shame, low self-esteem, low-self confidence, depresion and grief.. i cant tell anyone about my feeling, even told to my mom, she never talk about it anymore.
    sometimes, i always think about suicide my self. i cant help it

    i always pray to God to forgive me. and help me to forgive my self
    i start new relationship with new boyfriend, but end up with broken.. 4 times after i experience my abortion. and i blame myself because what i did. and for the last, i though i finally found someone that i really love but its broken (again) because i have trouble in control and trust.. whenever i see my boyfriend, i angry. such a trauma with boyfriend. but i need them to be with. sometimes i fear of relationship, and hopeless.
    i have problem with my self-confidence, walking around like a zombie cant feel anything even my boyfriend always tried to make me happy.. and everytime he make me happy i got headache, and feel sick because im confused what should i act.. and its really not natural.. sometimes some people make me laugh, after i laugh, i cry.. what happen to me?
    what should i do?

    • EI says:

      You need to find someone who you feel safe talking to. That means someone who will not judge you and at the same time respects and understands your grief and pain. Ideally you should find a post-abortion counseling group. These are specialists and many are women who have been through abortions themselves and now help other women, like you, work through the same issued they faced and conquered.

      Please read our page on healing for tips and resources and contact info. If you do not have a post-abortion healing program in your country, try reaching out to a church. Many Catholic priests are now trained to understand and make referrals for women who have had abortions who need help.

      You are in our prayers. You can email us again if we can be of more help.

    • EI says:

      Hi Rose,

      You’ve been in our prayers. Have you found a post-abortion ministry or someone else to help you through this tough time? Don’t give up hope!

  4. Jacqui says:

    I’m 39 and I’ve recently found out Im 6 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend of two years is separated from his wife awaiting divorce with a son and step son. He has said from the outset of our relationship that he doesn’t want more children. He is obviously less than pleased about our pregnancy and says he thinks we will resent each other if I have the baby. He is an artist and earns very little and although he has his son to stay part of the week he pays no maintenance because of his lack of income. Our relationship has been incredibly rocky during the time we have been together due to many factors and circumstances outside of our relationship, although its been tough we have just managed to reconcile some differences and we were just beginning to have a clearer space to get stronger together. His reaction to my pregnancy is chilling and all I’ve heard from him is how it will affect his life and career. I hate the thought of having an abortion no matter how hard it is to pull together but I know if I go through with the pregnancy he will resent me and I will be facing being a single parent again ( I have a son of 19 from a previous relationship). To top it off, a few days after I discovered my pregnancy I was offered a funded place on a Phd I’d been prepping for all year together with an amazing job offer. I feel the odds are stacked against me in terms of support and finances and yet I know this is my last chance to have a baby. Is it unfair to have a baby against my boyfriends wishes?

    • EI says:

      It is not unfair to have a child against your boyfriend’s wishes. It

        is unfair

      for you boyfriend to pressure you to have an abortion. It’s his obligation to see this change in circumstances as a challenge/opportunity to grow and become stronger in many ways . . . in loving you and your child, in becoming and showing more responsibility, maturity, and leadership, et cetera.

      This is not only your last chance to have a baby, it is your last chance to show that you will defend your baby, even from a father (who at least at this moment) is frightened, confused, and unwanting. Someday, I promise, the father of this child will be eternally grateful that you refused to follow his urging to have an abortion. Whether it is when he holds the baby, or sees the sparkle of excitement in a teenagers eyes, or is listening to an adult child talk of his or her pride in his grandchild, he will praise the day that you knew better than to abort the treasure of his child.

      Hold fast. One way or the other, things will work out. He may not stay with you. But if he doesn’t, that’s his loss. And maybe he will return. But if he won’t and can’t stand by you in this, then he will leave you for some other reason in the future anyway. It’s not worth giving up your child . . . especially not for a man who in the end is not really committed to you anyway. And the amazing thing is, doing the right thing, protecting your child, is sometimes the one thing that will bring a man’s heart around to where it should be, inspiring commitment and determination to protect and provide for his child and spouse. If that doesn’t do it, there is nothing you can do for him that will make him a better man . . . and certainly having an abortion to make him happy won’t save your relationship. That will be the kiss of death.

      You are in our prayers. Do not give up hope. Trust that God will be at your side, helping you and your baby toward a future you will never regret.

    • EI says:

      Hi Jacqui,

      You have been in our prayers. How have you been doing? Is there anything more we can do to help?

  5. Alyssia says:

    I have been so stuck in my idea that I DON’T WANT KIDS EVER and I never really opened my heart to anyone, I worked hard had a lot to show for it was independent and proud of who I am. But 8 months ago my very good friend and I had a change in a relationship and ended up being bf/gf. I quit my current job we moved up north where he owns a home and had a brilliant job opportunity and an amazing close family who have become like my own (brother, mother, father) I have struggled to find full time work and have felt so lost and insecure and depressed because I feel as though not only me but everyone around me no longer remembers that strong independent person but things were still okay because I am so in love and we want and discuss a future together, and even when we fight I could still see that future and grasp It as my journey in life. My partner is the one who wants children just not any time yet and I’ve still said I don’t want them and I actually mean/meant that 100% until yesterday when I found out I am 7 weeks pregnant and all of a sudden I don’t know anything I’m feeling, and my partner straight away knows he doesn’t want it yet and has informed me that if I choose to keep it I will have broken his trust because he believed I would get rid of it if I fell pregnant without hesitation until later on in life when he is ready and i was convinced I would be okay with having kids. I’m not saying I want it but I don’t know what I am feeling and why as soon as I was aware there was a little person growing inside of me I all of a sudden no longer know the one thing I have always been so sure in I DON’T WANT KIDS I have never had swayed from that statement and truly meant it everyone I have stated it why now do I feel so lost and confused? And the worst feeling now is I no longer believe this relationship has a solid future no matter what course of action I chose and that’s what hurts the most and it is confusing and hurting me in ways I can’t describe Nor understand I dont know who to talk to I don’t want to talk to anyone but for some stupid reason it doesn’t feel as though I’m telling anyone by writing on here so I have been able to get the words out and say what i the muddled mess of my head emotions an life now is? Please help me, someone!

    • EI says:

      You’re not alone. So many women have been there. Discovering you are pregnant–even when one is hoping to be pregnant, much less when one is definitely not wanting to be pregnant–is always mind blowing. Even for someone like yourself, who never wanted kids, it is amazing to realize that your body is fertile and there is a new little human life growing inside you, your child.

      Obviously, I don’t know why you never wanted to have children. Some people don’t because they just don’t want the responsibility of caring for another person for so many years. While there may be many rewards to being a parent, they figure that responsibility for a child will get in the way of pursuing other interests and goals.

      Others don’t want children, because they have hurts from their own childhood. They are afraid of exposing another child to those hurts. In some cases, the hurts are related to feeling unloved by one or both parents…or to witnessing marital discord or abuse…are such that they are just deeply afraid of recreating all the problems they hated.

      There could be other reasons, too. At some level, it is probably related to some core fear. Fear of being obligated to love and care for another person. Or, fear of being a failure at loving and caring for another person. Or fear of change. Or fear of poverty. Or fear of abandonment by your partner. Or fear of judgment (if you’re afraid others will think you are a bad parent, for example). Or fear of being dependent on others or having others dependent on you.

      Everyone has one or two core fears, and it is likely that this life long sense that you do not want children is related to one of your core fears. Try to understand what the core fear is. This core fear may also be influencing other areas and decisions in your life.

      Core fears can elicit either an attack or avoidance reaction. For example, I know of a person whose core fear is a fear of failure which drives her to overcompensate by always challenging herself to choose the most difficult path. That’s a kind of attack reaction, rushing toward that which triggers fear. So in her case, her core fear drives her to take a contrary course. In other cases, the core fear may drive someone to take an avoidance path. Not wanting children is likely an avoidance reaction.

      So, I’d encourage you to drill down and think about your core fear.

      Then, I’d suggest that you also consider how life seems designed to challenge us. No matter what our plans, life takes twists and turns which challenge us and makes us grow in ways that we might never have anticipated or asked for…but can often be the ways that we most grow.

      I don’t know if you believe in God, or karma, or fate, or just blind chance. But certainly for those of us who do believe in God, we believe that often God sends us what we need, not what we want. Why? Not because we want too much, but because we are prepared to settle for too little.

      For example, we may think we will be happy if everyone values us as a specialist in our chosen field. And that drives us to succeed. But maybe God knows that we will actually be happier that one person (our child) thinks we are the greatest at everything, if even for a few short years until as a teen they begin to think we know nothing and then as adults begin to think we are at least humans to who try!

      In other words, maybe God (or nature, if you prefer) knows better what you need (and your boyfriend needs) better than you do.

      While it is “safer” to control the relationships in your life, the real adventure, the real growth, the real maturity, the real discovery of how deep and overwhelming and transforming relationships can be is to open yourself to this new relationship with your own child.

      There is so much good that can come from it. There are so many women and men who have accepted an unplanned child into their lives who will attest that it was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to them.

      Conversely, there is so much harm that can come from rejecting this opportunity. There are so many women and men who wish with all their hearts that they could undo what they have done. But abortion is permanent. It can’t be undone.

      No one regrets having a child. Many regret having an abortion. Overtime, sooner or later, perhaps most if not all will regret it. For if we are lucky to live to an old age, everything boils down to relationships. What are our relationships like with children, friends, and God? Were there relationships that we failed to foster, develop, and embrace? And having that relationship with your child (and grandchildren), then, on your death bed in your old age, will be more valuable than any investment or career success or anything else. Relationships are what matter most and endure.

      Regarding your boyfriend. This disrupts his plans, too, of course. No one enjoys seeing their life plans disrupted. But the cost of abortion to both you and him is far greater than either of you can imagine. This is definitely clear in your case because of the ambivalence which has arisen, which is a risk factor warning that this pregnancy is touching you at a deep emotional level that cannot be ignored and that will come back to haunt you. Something in you is warning you not to have an abortion. Listen to this warning bell.

      In time, he will adjust. Indeed, abortion will never save a relationship. It almost always leads to a break. On the other hand, having a child will often save relationships. After all, that is what a child is . . . the product of two people’s love which in some way unites them permanently. Once he gets used to the idea, and once he sees his child, perhaps his plans and expectations will adjust and you will all work it out. If you go your separate ways, then at least you still both have your child and the rewards of that new relationship.

      I encourage you to talk to a pregnancy help center or hotline person listed on your help page. It would be helpful to have someone to talk to and just listen to you and to encourage you.

      I pray you will choose life so that you will have life abundantly. IF you do have an abortion, I pray you will fare well and if and when you need emotional help, you will not hesitate to reach out for it. Our prayers are with you.

      Have courage. Do not be afraid! Good things come unexpectedly. God has a better plan for your life than you do for yourself!

    • EI says:

      You have been in our prayers. How are you doing? Is there anything more we can do to help?

  6. stan says:

    My fiance and I found out she was pregnant 2 weeks ago, we both want our child… However, its far more complex. She has been having complications, she seems to b far more affected by the pregnancy symptoms than any other woman ive known. And on top of that she’s stressing constantly.. shes hurting all the time. I’m not sure where her head is in all this. She starts law school in July, and she has a schlorship that requires her grades to remain high, and she fears keeping the baby will jeopardize her future. i am a family man, and every inch of me does not want this. She says she fears i’ll hate her forever, i promised i wouldnt, and i dont plan to, because God knows, I love her, but i definately feel something. its not hate, but i definately think shes losing my trust. I cant tell if she wants to abort because of the pains shes suffering, or if shes thinking of only her future. I love her enough to sacrifice my future to provide for her and the baby. i want my child, but the fact. remains, she is in terrible pain. We are both Christians and neither of us feel that this is the right thing to do.. and i pray that shes not just being selfish, because i fear i’ll resent her one day. someone tell me what to do…. how should i feel. i love her, and i want her in my life, but i also want a healthy pregnancy for her. i want my child, but not at the cost of losing her. I fear I’ll never trust her again. Part of me wonders what it would take to make her abort this relationship, and the bigger part of me feels sorry for her, and wants to support WHATEVER will make her life easier.

    • EI says:

      Call your local pro-life group or pro-life pregnancy center for recommendations for a good pro-life OB/GYN. You want to have someone who won’t be encouraging abortion as an option but will instead be reinforcing both you and her with confidence that things will work out. The pain should be investigated by the doctor. There is some risk that she has an ectopic pregnancy. Alternatively, if it is due psychosomatic stress, there may be things the doctor can do to help with that also.

      Early pregnancy is a tough time of transition, both mentally and physically. She need support and encouragement and help sorting out how her future will be changed. I think you can reassure her that you would never “hate” her if she had an abortion, but neither can you assure her that your love would be the same. The simple fact is that having an abortion, which goes against the moral beliefs of both of you, will damage your relationship, perhaps irretrievably. That damage may not result in “hate” but it will certainly result in feelings of disappointment and a diminished sense of her courage, virtue and ability to trust both God and you.

      It is right and good to feel compassion for someone we love who is suffering. But just as you can’t let that compassion become an excuse for taking from God the right to decide who lives and who dies. If she were dying from a painful disease, the argument for euthanasia is premised on placing the virtue of compassion above all other virtues, and claiming that as long as one has feelings of compassion when killing another, that trumps the commandment “thou shalt not kill.” The same logic applies to this abortion question. You feel compassion for her pain and fears, but you have to stand strong, both as an example and a leader, and stand for what is right . . . even if there will be months of coping with a difficult pregnancy. In this, as in all of life’s crosses, you have to trust that for both you and her, God has a plan and that any suffering endured while trusting in His plan is, in His grand plan, either good for us, good for others, or both.

      You, your fiance, and your child are in our prayers.

    • EI says:

      Please update us on how are you doing? You are in our prayers.

  7. Larrissa says:

    I just had a abortion and my boyfriend said he will be here for me but he goes on vacation to go see his family and left me crying, scared and not knowing what to do. While he he is out shooting and bbqing something he loves to and i cant even sleep nor eat. Should i be mad at him

    • A.C. says:

      Larrissa, you need and deserve the support of people who understand just how serious an abortion is. People will try to say “it’s no big deal,” but many women know it is. Your bf may be coping by being in denial or by burying his feelings or he doesn’t fully understand the true impact of an abortion — especially on you. Please check out this list of helpers — find someone near you to talk about this with you. There are women who have been there who care deeply for you and know how to help you. Keep trying until you find the right kind of help for you. You do need to talk to someone who understands. Good luck and God bless! Here’s the list: http://www.theunchoice.com/healing.htm

    • EI says:

      How are things going? You are in our prayers.

  8. Amy at Elliot Institute says:

    Monica, I would suggest talking to someone to learn about all your options first. You don’t have to have an abortion and there are many organizations prepared to help you with resources, support, counseling or even just assistance in talking things out with the father. One such organization is Option Line: http://www.optionline.org/ or 1-800-712-HELP. They provide free and confidential help over the phone or through chats or email.

  9. EI says:

    How are things going? An update would be appreciated. You are in our prayers.

  10. molly says:

    I had an abortion almost 2 months ago. 20 years old and raised a roman catholic its something i never thought i would do or even consider doing. I have always imagined finding out that i was pregnant while i was married and planning a cute way to tell my future husband the news. but i found out alone, in a free health clinic sitting on a table crying. Ive handled things well but also have broken down and cried. my relationship with my boyfriend seems to be stronger most times, but weaker sometimes as well. i realized how delicate life is and how precious close relationships are with friends and family. i realized so much that now afterwords i feel like i dont really know anything about how i feel, how i should feel, or what im looking forward to in the future

    • EI says:

      The ups and downs are likely to continue. Hang in there. If you ever need to talk to someone, please call one of the post-abortion support groups listed on our healing page.

  11. Lori says:

    I just found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant. I don’t feel that I am in the place to have a child, I am not financially stable, I just feel like im not ready. I use to want kids, very much. But in the last year or so, I decided that I don’t want to have kids til later in life, if I choose too, because I have so many goals that I want to reach. My boyfriend, who is a few years younger than me, he also use to want children but around the same time he decided he doesn’t not want children either, maybe later in life, but not anytime soon. We have a generally healthy relationship, minus the few tifts here and there that most relationships go through. When I found out I was pregnant, I asked him how he felt and he said you know i dont want kids, and I was relieved to know we were on the same page, but the last couple days I keep wondering, what if? what if? I asked him today if he was still okay with everything and he said yea im ok. I don’t think he has talked about it to anyone, and I know he went through this with his last relationship years ago, but she didn’t want it, she was also cheating. This is all new to me, not to him. I have been praying about it, and I just don’t think it’s a good time. Does anyone have any advice on how I could get him to open up more about how he feels?

    • EI says:

      Others may have more suggestions, but I’m sensing that your concern about how he really reflects a growing ambivalence in yourself.

      Here’s what happens with unintended pregnancies. It at least appears that all the practical reasons are lining up for not having a baby. Job considerations. Relationship issues. Housing. There are dozens of practical reasons to simply “not have the baby.”

      But these practical reasons undervalue the emotional, familial, and developmental issues that are also a big part of it.

      The biggest mistake is to think that abortion is like a time machine that just turns back the clock and puts things back they way they were. No, it leaves a pile of baggage in your life and exposes you to real physical risks, including increased risk of premature birth and other problems, including infertility, once you are “ready” to have a baby. And the majority of women who have any ambivalence about an abortion decision, such as you have, are at higher risk of persistent [http://afterabortion.org/1999/abortion-risks-a-list-of-major-physical-complications-related-to-abortion/ negative psychological adjustments].

      That you are praying about this decision suggests that you believe that there are moral considerations and God has answers for you.

      Have you ever heard that God doesn’t make mistakes? That you are pregnant at all, with a new life, created by God who has a plan for your child and is offering this child to you as an unexpected gift that will teach you new ways to love — at a time when He seems to think you can most benefit from this gift of life and love….well, isn’t God already trying to tell you something? Surely, praying to God, “Do you want me to abort the life that You allowed to come into me?” (especially since He does not give this gift to all who pray for it, just ask those struggling with becoming pregnant after a past abortion), is kind of like saying to your dad on your birthday, “Do you want me to throw out this gift check you gave me?” No. It is a gift! He gave it to you with the hope it would transform and enrich your life.

      Praying for “permission” to abort may be emotionally comforting but it defies all the logic that attaches to the idea of an omnipotent, all knowing, unchanging, loving God. What you are calling a prayer is really just a recitation of little arguments to God. You are trying to explain, to GOD(!) about all the inconveniences caused by this gift (which He apparently overlooked) in the hope that you can convince Him that He made a mistake. But if abortion was in His plan, it would be in the form of a natural abortion, namely miscarriage.

      Moreover, I don’t think anything I’ve written is new to you. You already know all of this and it troubles your heart and is why you are hesitating despite all the “practical” reasons to abort–and perhaps hoping your boyfriend will change his mind and be the one advocating to keep the child. Why put it off on him? You can and should stand up for your child yourself and insist that he should do the same.

      What can you do to “get him to open up more?” Start by asking if, in an ideal world, abortion would ever be okay? Wouldn’t it be better if we could all, always welcome and delight in every new child? And then draw him into the moral questions involved? And when does life really begin? Only when it is convenient for us to say it does? And has he ever thought about his prior child that was aborted? Does he ever wonder how that abortion affected his prior girlfriend (physically and emotionally) and how much does he worry about how it might effect you? How would he feel if this were the only pregnancy you were ever able to conceive, and it was aborted? How would he help you to get over that?!

      You are in our prayers. I encourage you to contact a pregnancy help center and ask for additional advice.

  12. TAS says:

    Hi Lori

    I offer you this advice as I went through with a termination this year. My partner and me both for practical reasons decided to have a termination. He is fine with the decision and like your partner didn’t want children yet. All I can suggest is if you can see a counsellor prior to making your final decision.

    This is a decision you are making with your head but in all honesty it is your heart which deals with the consequences and emotions of the decision you make. Make sure it is what you truly want as I didn’t and I have a lot of regret about my decision. And in part blame my partner for not wanting a child with me.

    Men and women deal with the post trauma very differently and be sure you are in a position where you can both talk together about it and independantly to as without communication resentment may build. Just try to listen to your heart and not make this decision with just your head as unless they feel the same the fall out may suprise you and the emotional trauma may like it has with me cause you a lot of upset. I never expected to feel any emotion as I knew the decision was right for me for practical reasons but emotions are a funny thing.

    thinking of you and hope you make the decision that is right for you
    Much luv Tas

  13. TAS says:

    Lori

    To add to my last comment – He will only open up to you if he is ready and able to. Mene and women deal with situations very differently and to expect him to talk about it openly like you may so it not realistic.
    Seek advice from a counsellor and maybe even attend a session together to help him to talk. You will only survive your decision if you talk about it and are there for each other.. Hope this helps.

  14. matt says:

    My girlfriend of 7 months is 13 weeks pregnant, we found out 5 weeks ago. At first she was excited by it but after a week she had told her ex husband & everything changed (she’s got 2 kids already by him) she wants a abortion, I didn’t have a say!! We had a argument 2 weeks ago she’s ended the relationship saying she doesn’t love me anymore. She’s having the abortion tomorrow & taking her ex husband I love her I want her back I’m in bits!!

    • EI says:

      Matt,

      Our hearts and prayers go out to you . . . and to her and your child. I pray she will have a last minute change of heart. I can barely comprehend the emotions that are coursing through you right now as you agonize over your inability to get through to her. I pray you will have some inspiration that could make a difference.

      Assuming that she does go through with it, all i can do is to encourage you to be open to getting some help from a post-abortion counseling group, perhaps one especially for men. Let us know if you have trouble finding one.

      Try to hold forgiveness in your heart. She’s frightened and confused. Bitterness will never help you or her. Strive always to nurture feelings of forgiveness for her and yourself…and anyone else involved. This is a great loss for you, on so many levels. But I’m afraid that all you can do now is to become centered in prayer and to start learning all you can from this experience so you can not only avoid the same mistakes in the future, but also so this overall experience (with her, the pregnancy, your child, and the abortion) will embolden you to live a more life-affirming life which will inspire others and be a testament to the child you have lost.

  15. Alexander says:

    Me and my girlfriend had unprotected sex and it made it worse because I actually peer pressured her into having sex with me. so we did and found that she was because her period didn’t come. We decided to have had the abortion because if she was in her last yr in high-school and me in my first year in college and by having a child we both wouldn’t have finish… so we had thought. or I did at least. We ended up having the abortion 3 days after my birthday so that was a real something a person will end up carrying for the rest of his birthdays. We were to have our child in April but that never worked out and now I feel a sort of resentment towards her but when I think about it I shouldn’t because I don’t let her in so it’s not her fault. We use to talk about having a kid and I was all happy and stuff towards that but now I don’t even wanna hear a child’s cry or have her even mention anything about having another because I don’t think we deserve another and it just hurts to talk about it. :( What should I do because I really feel a lost here ?!?!?!?!?!?

    • Alexander says:

      Just to add to it we had the abortion also because we knew her parents and my side of the family wouldn’t take it good and we would have to find a way on how to support ourselves.

    • EI says:

      Start by apologizing for having pushed her into having sex and for encouraging the abortion, despite all the “practical” reasons for going that route, including your fear that your parents weren’t going to be supportive. Apologize for not being confident and bold enough to have told her “We can make it! This baby is a sign of our love. I want to be here for both of you!”

      Don’t blame her for the decision, even if she did encourage or insist on it. That will only make her defensive and will make it hard for her to hear your apology and sorrow. It’s likely that she is already, or may someday, blame herself–perhaps even too much! So don’t add to that burden. Just focus on expressing your own sorrow and don’t try to tell her how to feel.

      Then tell her how you are hurting, because of your failure and your loss and how you would give anything to have your baby, and her, in your life. Explain how this loss is haunting you, and invite her to participate with you in a post-abortion healing program because it may be the best way for the two of you to not only mourn together, but to actually grow closer together because this will no longer be something between you that is hard to talk about, but rather something between you that you have both learned so much from.

      Look through the page on Healing After an Abortion. I know that Rachel’s Vineyard, at the very least, offers weekend retreats which provide for couples to participate together. It can be a very healing experience. Even if she does not agree that she needs or wants to participate in a post-abortion healing program, then go find a group for yourself. There are some groups for men, led by men.

      Keep in touch. Let us know if you make any progress. You are both in our prayers.

  16. John says:

    after me and my girl had I didnt even wanna think about kids anymore is that ok? I mean I wanted before but now I just can’t look at a child and not wanting to hurt myself. help..

    • EI says:

      John, as long as the abortion is controlling your feelings and decisions (including a loss of desire to have children), there is a psychological barrier that can and should be addressed. Men can benefit from post-abortion healing programs, too. Please read our tips on healing and also some of our articles related to the impact of abortion on men.

      You can work through this. Don’t let the abortion control your life and deprive you of the joys of being a father and of the gift of having other children. But don’t just bury this and try to forget about it either. Have the courage to confront it with the help of someone who is trained in post-abortion counseling and can help you transform this experience into one that strengthens you and prepares you to be a better father…instead of a man whose afraid of fatherhood.

  17. Cindy says:

    I had an abortion 2 weeks ago at 11 weeks after an unplanned pregnancy. I have been going out with my current boyfriend for four years. After i found out i was pregnant i was happy and I thought my boyfriend would be happy which he said he was but made it clear he wanted me to keep the baby but had no intention of getting married. I always wanted to get married and I value it . As he had not proposed yet I thought the pregnancy this might prompt him to think of marriage as he is 40 years and i am 30. He told me he was just not ready and I felt that i was not ready to bring up a child as a single parent. He said he would support me with whatever decision I made but I felt that he did not support me through that time. I hung on to the pregnancy allowing him time to think and maybe work something out but i got the impression he was taking time to decide so i would go past the safe period of having an abortion. He went away and it was at this time i decided to have an abortion, when he and tried to talk to me when i he was away, i would ignore his calls as i felt so much anger at him. After the abortion I still have mixed feelings about as it was not an easy decision on my part. Whenever we tried to talk about the pregnancy we ended up in heated arguments. At one stage I told him I would have the baby but did not want him in my baby’s life but he said he would be there and fight me in court if necessary and i did not want my baby in custodial fights. This guy has come back and apologised for everything, part of me feels that i do not want to have anything to do with him at all and part of me feels like i want to give him a second chance. When i talk to him i am so mad and we end up fighting and wish to end the relationship yet on the other hand when I am alone i wish i could be with him and continue our relationship . He has tried to reach to me by whatever means but i keep pushing him away, I don’t know what i should do please help.

    • EI says:

      Obviously, you both have a lot of mixed feelings about the baby, the abortion, and your relationship. You also both need to find a way to forgive each other and to apologize for your own parts in the confusion, hurt, lack of trust, and lack of commitment.

      I strongly encourage both of you to read our tips on healing and perhaps a book, like Forbidden Grief which goes into greater length on the issue of how abortion effects relationships and the negative traps in continuing a relationship after an abortion that must be recognized and dismantled.

      You could both benefit from individual post-abortion healing programs, but you may fair even better if you participate together in a weekend program that includes work for couples, such as the programs offered by Rachel’s Vineyard. It may also be helpful for both of you to read some more on how abortion can impact men.

      You are in our prayers.

      Do not give up hope. Do not despair. Healing can and will happen if you open yourself to it and are willing to look at yourselves fearlessly within the safe environment of people who have been there and want to help you through, too.

  18. hazeydaze says:

    my gf got pregnant back in March of this year(2012) n stayed 7weeks pregnant before you got an abortion, it was a very emotional and difficult decision but us both being 18 without jobs and our parents struggling just to keep a roof over our heads let alone support another baby, at least thats we told ourselves……
    And ever since it happened, she’e been much less loving and caring and affectionate n mostly gets annoyed n upset with me over things that never upset her before….she even told me she didnt love me the same anymore n that she didnt know why :{ whenci brought this up, the abortion, she says thats pretty much the reason she stopped loving me, but as for why, sh just says “i dont know” i even asked if it would hurt her to see me get with anonther girl “uhh idk maybe idk” if she loved me so much why wouldnt she just say yes it would hurt , i just wish i knew what happened :{ everything was almost perfect before it and now she doesnt even love the same :*{

    • EI says:

      She can’t explain…and may not even understand…because it hurts too much to think about the abortion.

      The “rationale” reasons for the abortion were, and remain, the only things she has to justify a choice that cost her so much of her own growing sense of what is it is to be a woman and a mother.

      You both would benefit from participating in a post-abortion healing program, as has been recommended in previous replies.

  19. Chloe says:

    I had an abortion over a year and half ago… to this day my relation ship is not what it used to be. I’m not sure how to describe this but Iam almost afraid to have sex because I am petrified of this reoccurring. I do not know if this is normal because I feels very abnormal. Please let me know if anyone else out there feels this way. Or if anyone has any tips for me to patch my relationship and try to return to normalcy.

    • EI says:

      You are not abnormal. After an abortion, many women experience difficulties with sex and fear of pregnancy and another abortion. In one survey of women who sought post-abortion counseling, 58% had loss of pleasure from intercourse, 47% developed an aversion to sexual intercourse or became unresponsive, 33% experienced more pain during intercourse, and 49% had greater fear of becoming pregnant again when waiting for each period to begin.

      There is help, however. We encourage you to read our page with tips and resources for finding a post-abortion healing program near you.

  20. PH says:

    i never think that having an abortion is give pressure,stress, self hate , regret and mistake that’ll always remember for my entire life untill it happen to me and my girlfriend . When the 1st time she told about it to me,we didn’t know what we suppose to do, we have no income money, no place to live ,no person to talk with about our problem and both of us are still live with our parents. after we disscuss about our future like a week we both decided to have the abortion. when the abortion time pass over she lost trust in me ever than before. i tried everything to keep on our relationship more than i ever did . But in the end we both finish our talks with anger , non-believing , problems and crying . i’m so hated myself for what i was involve with and i decide that i won’t let it never happen to us again . But no matter how i tried she still don’t believe what i’m saying , she lost her self confidence and she is thinking that she’ll not be loved by any one including me because of that abortion . i said her i’ll be her man forever and i’m sure that i want to spend the rest of my life with her . i was thought that the abortion’ll go over when it end and we’ll love again like the old time. but now ,everyday is in pain for both of us. i’ve realized my own lesson for my stupidity and my love , my plans and my minds for her won’t change forever . She still don’t understand what’s happening in my mind , its killing me and killing her thou . Please Give Some Helpful advices for my girlfriend and me . we both love each other , and i’ll never give up hoping and loving her . thanks !

    • EI says:

      You should both seek post-abortion counseling from a counselor trained in post-abortion issues–not just any counselor, but rather from someone trained in this area of specialty, and most likely someone who has been through this herself or himself.

      There are groups for men, also.

      Even if she will not seek help, you should seek counseling for yourself. Perhaps as you work through healing, some of it will rub off on her and she will then pursue it later. Encourage her to get help, but do not wait for her if she doesn’t. Get help for yourself as soon as possible.

      Learn more about finding and picking a post-abortion healing program near you here: http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/

  21. PH says:

    Thanks !

  22. Destiny says:

    Hi I just thought I’d seeik advice
    I recently had an abortion 2 months ago and was a bit excited but scared at the same time about being a mommy again with a person i love.
    I am no married but have a boyfriend and we have been dating for about a year I gave him the news and it seemed that he was excited at first but as the weeks went by and i attended my doctor visits for the baby he seemed to be distancing himself I remember every sunday I’d get alerts on my phone updatiing me on our babys development and one sunday he didnt give me any response when i said “babe the babys 5weeks today” very excited all I got was a pathetic fake grin and no words…
    we later talked I questioned why he didnt seem to excited or why he wouldnt make an effort to come with me to the doctors appointments and he just always said he could get time off of work. the conversation then turned to him asking if we were ready to have the child when the past few weeks he had been “happy” or so I thought …I said I didnt know but that I wanted my baby ..
    he brought my daughter up from a previous relationship and how it would be harder and how we have to focus on her and getting our future settled..
    and we left it at that
    days passed morning sickness moodiness and all the symptoms the beauty of motherhood goes with were a daily reminder of that little seed trying to make itself
    know…he couldnt handle my mood swings and fights started to occur …
    he never said no we are not having it but never said yes either…
    mre days passed and i knew with time passing and my child growing it would only be harder.so i asked him what we were doing .. he said he didnt know that he was confused that he didnt know what the right decision
    was …but i knew he wasnt up for it.. so i scheduled a visit to an abortion clinic and he took me got off of work early to take e to my appointment i must have been about 9 weeks..
    theywere suppose to give me a pill to stop the pregnancy but my insurance didnt cover it so they gave me temporary insurance and also advised that the pills werent recommended if id be working because of the heavy bleeding .. so i chose the sergical procedure..made an appointment for the following sunday told him and not another word was said he asked if i needed money and i said no.. id cry every night
    i knew i wanted my baby but i also knew that keeping him would be difficult without his father and since i have been a single mother to my 5year old daugter
    the thought of having 2 children fatherless broke my heart and fear took over pushing me into abortion as i knew my boyfriend wasnt ready…i cried everynight until that sunday isolated myself had anger towards my partner and shame upon myself grew the thought crossed my mind that i wasnt woman enough to keep my child …that the love for his father was stronger
    that sunday came woke up cried put pjs on cried the whole time i filled out paper work at the clinic and all there was was silence between my boyfriend and I 4 hours later it was done and i was in the recovery room not too much longer did the sense of regret fill my heart..
    anger as soon as i saw him as well
    he asked if i was okay all i replied was yes bluntly…
    later that evening we faught verbally and i poured out with anger and emotions since he didnt try or even attempt to grieve with me or show support … i said i hope ur happy
    alot more was said
    daily fights occur now i go to church and pray that our relationship will see brightbut days but 2mons laters its only gotten worse we have drifted apart sadly we fight and argue sexual relaitions dont even occur anymore…
    we had the most amazing relationship perfect until then
    and i just wish i knew how to make it better
    i have been having sleepless nights thoughts of ending the relationship.. but im scared i feel i will only make the pain greater by leaving please help

    • EI says:

      Dear Destiny,

      I’m so sorry to hear what you have gone through. It is unfortunately so common that the anxieties about the future end up in people falling into this terrible trap. Your boyfriend was trying, at least half heartedly, to show that he was willing to stand by you if you had the baby, but his own fears and anxieties prevented him from embracing the excitement and joys of being a father . . . and so he subconsciously or intentionally showed you his reservations and fears and doubts and on some level hoped you would decide on the abortion (and not him, so that he could shirk moral responsibility for it and push that off on you, too.) And your own anxieties about what would happen if he did leave you also began to play on you until you felt you had no choice . . . even though every maternal instinct in you was to just be happy and enjoy having your and his child.

      It breaks my heart that you were unable to find the support and encouragement…and perhaps the relationship counseling you needed…to prevent this tragedy.

      But that’s all water under the bridge. Looking forward, you really need the support of a post-abortion healing program. Many offer programs for men too, and at least one, Rachel’s Vineyard, offers a program in the form of a weekend retreat where they encourage both women and men to go as a couple. If there is any way to save your relationship, and even to use this experience to better understand each other and deepen the relationship, I think it will come about by the two of you working together through the grief and forgiveness process. While you should definitely take care of yourself and work through healing with a post-abortion counselor even if he refuses, I’d encourage you to not only invite him to do it with you but ask him to do so for both you and your relationship.

      You are in our prayers.

  23. Daniel says:

    I really need some good advice,
    My girlfriend and I have been together for a year now and love each other like crazy. We both work in oil and gas she just got her welding ticket and I’m a third year apprentice pipe fitter. We work away a lot but are always on the same project we do everything together even have matching heart tattoos and had plans to get married and buy a house.Around 4 months ago we found out she was 3 weeks pregnant we both did not expect this and both made the decision that it would be best to get rid of it because we are only 23 and want to get our life’s set up first.Everything was fine I decided to go on night shift for 24 days for extra cash and she stayed on days we never sore each other by still talked on the phone everything was still good. Half way into the shift she went back home for her cousins wedding as planned I didn’t go as I was trying to get some extra cash to put towards a house. 2 days ago when she got back to work she had a melt down on the phone to me about how she was so upset. I took today off to sort it out but she was a mess wouldn’t let me touch her wouldn’t stop crying said how this was the biggest mistake of her life and how I am some what responsible. We did agree to see a councilor on Friday but she left to stay at a friends place and wants to go on a break till its all sorted, said she feels so lonely and if she hates her self how could she love me and it be totally unfair on me. I tried talking her out of it but she keeps pushing me away. I really don’t know what to do this girl is my life and I couldn’t imagen living without her I want her to be happy what do I ??

    • EI says:

      If I understand your story correctly, Daniel, she had the abortion a couple months ago and for a while seemed to be dealing with it alright until she recently had what appears to be an emotional melt down and is not distancing herself from you. If so, here are my thoughts . . .

      First, she may well have been struggling with the abortion even during the months she seemed to be doing okay. But she was trying to put on a strong face and at least to pretend things were normal. It’s also possible that something else simply triggered the pent up grief.

      It is good that she has agreed to see a counselor with you. If you don’t make any progress, and you might not because many counselor’s have no training regarding post-abortion grief issues and may even be “programmed” do ignore the abortion as much as possible and to shift the session to other issues like your relationship or her issues with parents, et cetera. If the two of you don’t see progress, I strongly encourage you to read our tips and resources on finding a post-abortion healing program.

      Try to examine your own heart for feelings of grief, loss, and guilt and be prepared to share these with her. Grieving together is healing. If she is grieving and perceives you as just fine with the abortion, that’s not very comforting and will make you appear even farther away from where she is emotionally.

      I understand that from a practical, logical view, it made sense to not have a baby at this time. But abortion does not simply turn back the clock and put things back the way they were before she became pregnant with your child. Once she was pregnant, she was already a mother and you were already a father. The only question before you was whether you would be parents of a child that would be born and loved or a child that would be aborted . . . and perhaps with some effort, forgotten. Abortion is not a time machine. It is a real experience, and for many women, and even many men, a traumatic one. It can dramatically change how one sees oneself as good or bad, moral or immoral, brave or cowardly, paternal or selfish . . .

      It can be a profound, life shattering experience, both literally and figuratively.

      I don’t know if you are a religious person, but even if you’re not, now might be a good time to pray about this. Pray for the grace to share her sorrow so that she doesn’t have to grieve alone. Pray for the grace to be truly repentant. Pray for the grace to be honestly able to tell her that you are sorry you weren’t brave and loving and committed enough to have said, “Let’s do this! Being the father of your child, our child, is the best thing that could ever happen to me.” Instead, you bought into the lie that anyone can ever “get ready” to have a child and were more worried about earning more money to have more things and more security instead of trusting that all good things would come in the proportion you need them as long as you kept open hearts of love . . . so open they could rejoice and embrace a new child in the world who was a gift to both of you that would have increased your love for each other . . . but you blew it. And she did, too. But if you want to help her, you need to accept and tell her that you blame yourself more. You should have been a leader, a protector, a provider, a cheerleader giving her the encouragement she needed to have confidence that it would have all worked out and that you were going to always be there for her and your child. But you blew it. You weren’t the man you wanted to be and now she is suffering because of it, and you have both lost the precious, irreplaceable gift of your child. God willing, if your relationship survives this, maybe you can have other children someday. But none will replace this child, who even in his or her passing has taught you valuable lessons about authentic love and how a real man, real lover, real father should embrace and protect the lives entrusted to his care.

      Re-read what I’ve written again and again. Open your heart to your own responsibility and grief. The best hope you and she have of not only repairing but even of deepening your relationship is for you to catch up and share her grief. As your tears mix, as you learn from your mistakes together, you may help each other to heal and grow together.

      You are both in our prayers.

  24. Art says:

    My girlfriend found out she was pregnant 2 months ago. I was very excited but she was sad. She first wanted another child but changed her mind sometime after she found out she was pregnant. She said she couldn’t afford to take care of another child by herself. Her first child is not mine but I treated her as such. I told her I wouldn’t abandon her and with both of us working there shouldn’t be any problems. Anyway she told me later she was going to have an abortion. I was terrified at this thought. I begged and pleaded to her not to do this because it would devastate me. A few weeks later I noticed she wouldn’t talk to me. I confronted her and she admitted she just had the abortion. I almost passed out.
    A few weeks later I started to get depressed and guilty. She became angry with me and said that her getting pregnant and getting an abortion was all my fault. That everything was premeditated by me. Even though I resented her I still tried to support her through her grief. I didn’t abandon her. I became sucicidal and started going to therapy. She broke up with me recently because of the anger she had toward me. To this day I don’t understand why she feels that it’s all my fault.

    • EI says:

      Dear Art,

      My prayers are with you as you go through this very bad time. I’m glad you are seeing a therapist to help with your grief and suicidal thoughts. The break up obviously makes things harder for you. But do not despair. In time you will find healing. A resource that might be helpful for you is Men and Abortion: A Path to Healing by C.T. Coyle.

      Why does she blame you? Because it is easier to blame others than to look at one’s own faults and responsibility. Sadly, it is so common and human. For whatever reason, she was scared of keeping the baby and blamed you that, even though you wanted the child and were willing to support her and your child, whatever you were offering was “not enough” to make the idea of keeping the baby attractive. On some level, she felt she “had no choice” but to have the abortion and so did it over your objections and is mad at you (ignoring her own participation) that she got pregnant in the first place and was therefore “forced” to make a decision that she was not to happy with herself. It is likely she is already facing grief and guilt but is trying to push past it and is also mad at you for you feeling grief and guilt — which reminds her of the grief and guilt she’s trying to push down and ignore. As time goes on, she is likely to continue to have negative feelings associated with the abortion that will pop up. Even seeing you is a reminder of her unresolved issues, and so likely triggers avoidance behavior. Avoiding you is a way to avoid thinking about the abortion.

      I wish I could offer some solution. But the only thing you can do is to give her space and pray for her healing just as you try to work through your own. There is very little that you can do for her when she is turned away in this way. Take care of your own emotional and spiritual healing so you can learn from this experience and use it to help you be a better man, husband, lover, and father in the future.

  25. jennifer says:

    Me and my boyfriend just had an abortion today and throughout the whole process, he has been the one saying why we cant keep the baby I already have a child she is 8y/o he is younger than me and have no children so I thought he would be opposite. We used to always talk about what ifs if that ever happened which we both agreed to have an abortion but I never thought it would really happen we have been together for about 10mths so he said thats too soon to have one together. I have been crying since I found out I was prego so now I have no baby in me anymore and he hasnt been emotional at all he just cares about his xbox system. Is our relationship saveable or should I just take this as a lesson and leave now before we go any further. Help me please. P.S. I would have kept the baby if he decided we can try to make this work financially.

    • Amy at Elliot Institute says:

      Jennifer, I am so sorry for what you have been through. I would definitely suggest getting in touch with someone who is a counselor or trained to offer support to you at this time. They may be able to help you work through some of the questions you are having about your relationship and the whole experience you have been through. You can find links to some organizations that offer free and confidential help on our healing page at http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/. Many are run by women who have been through this themselves so you can be sure that they will understand what you are going through. Please read the whole page for other information about the best way to find help, what to expect, questions to ask, etc. I hope you will check this out.

  26. Jason says:

    Hello guys I came on this website seeking emotional support and have been both encouraged and saddened by some of the things i have read here. My fiancé has also had an abortion but the thing is she has two kids with different fathers who aren’t mine a 5 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. I help support her with those kids and I look treat them as if they were my own and also before we gotten together we were really good friends and dated for a little bit and also i had testicular cancer at age 20 and having survived that and having to preserve sperm because there may have a change i could of not be able to produce children.

    Im 23 and i work part time and go to school full and we found out she was pregnant back in march she was scared and right away brought up abortion obviously i was against the idea i was completely surprised because two n half years after cancer i thought it was a miracle because i was afraid i shouldn’t be able to produce children. I explained all this to her and begged and pleaded that she not go forward with the abortion she felt we weren’t finally ready but i had my family support her other children fathers dont help her and there families don’t help much but it was different with me my dad and mother divorced years ago but they are both stable my dad an attorney and my mom a part business owner of a grass company i spoke to them had them call her and tell her they would help in any way they didnt approve of me dating her because they felt being responsible for two kids isn’t ideal and i wasn’t ready for that but they were willing to help.

    Despite all of this she still had an abortion i was devastated by this and she kicked me off before the abortion and after the abortion i came back i supported her gave her comfort cared for her and her kids while she was in pain.

    Now fast forward 7 months later and i am still having lots of issues with her decision it left me feeling resentful, bitter, anger, betrayal, i basically gave up my single life and against my family wishes got with her and supported and loved her and her kids and she goes out and do this even though i proved her her i can be a good father by how i treat her kids and my family would of help support her. Our relationship has been in shambles since the abortion and i am trying to make it work but its hard to forgive and the more she speaks of her dead beat baby fathers the more angry i get.

    She said she wants to be marry first do it the right, i was willing to get married what ever i can do save my child life and she did it anyway.

    I don’t know what to do i love her i love her kids but i am on the brink of breaking up with her and moving on so i can grieve and find it in my heart to forgive her. I am coming on here as a last ditch effort to save this relationship, i don’t know what else to do

    • EI says:

      Dear Jason,

      I’m very sorry for you . . . both of you. Clearly, you tried to show her you were going to be there for her and your child, but some fear in her was greater than her trust in you. No doubt, part of it was due to her past relationships. It is also understandable that her aborting your child, despite all you did to try to convince her otherwise, is and continues to be a big hurt in your life.

      You both need counseling to work through this. Perhaps some individual counseling. Perhaps some counseling together. One post-abortion program that offers an opportunity for couples to go through a post-abortion program together is Rachel’s Vineyard. I’d suggest you read our page of tips on post-abortion healing and resources.

      It is not unreasonable for you to tell her that you want to marry her, but you are too worried that all of these issues relating to the abortion of your child eventually coming between you and that you want her to agree to go through counseling individually or with her until you can work through the grief and hurts together. Explain that you want to love and forgive her, but you need help and you need to see that she’s working through these things with you. If you can work through this together now, it speaks well for how you can work through other issues together in the future. But if she refuses you on this request, just as she refused you on the request to marry and give birth to your child, before, it does not bode well for your long term success in your relationship.

      You’re a good man, Jason. Clearly, you are doing your best to show your love for her. But some distance may be necessary to help her recognize that if she wants to keep you, she needs to recognize how badly she hurt you and your family.

      You are in our prayers.

  27. Yola says:

    I had an abortion 4 weeks ago. Before I made my decision I did a lot of research about the procedure and whether or not I’d regret my decision after. I was on the fence about the whole situation because I’ve always wanted to be a mother and I love children so much. Before I fell pregnant my bf (then) disrespected me and treated me like crap. He used me call me names and he just vilified me every opportunity he got because he had money and cars. He would call me names in front of his friends and they would often ask me how I put up with it.
    I hated it because material wealth doesn’t move me and I tried to love him anyway.

    Two months down the line I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant. I told my bf about it, he was “happy” but showed no effort as a father-to-be. I was confused because he always said he would love to be a father. But when I asked him for support the only thing he said was “relax and respect yourself you’ll get enough money” it hurt so much because it felt like our baby was a transaction or a business deal. I wanted him to be there physically and emotionally but a month would pass without him coming to visit me even though he lived 20 mins away. I begged him to come to appointments with me so he could hear the baby’s heartbeat but told me he was busy.

    All the things that he did to me before falling pregnant started to haunt me and I kept on fearing that he’d do the same to our baby because he is unstable. I was worried and fell ill because I grew up without a father and my mom raised me on a shoestring budget. I was afraid that history would repeat itself. It was hellish.

    I went ahead and booked my appointment for the abortion. I told him I was going to do it and he said “thou shalt not kill…that baby is innocent and if you kill my baby you will never conceive again and don’t call me ever”. That drove me insane and I had the abortion. I tried to reach out to him after the procedure but he just laughed at me (if you know the evil chuckle). I was mortified.

    I thought I would be relieved after because I had escaped him but no :-( I just can’t describe the grief my body went through. I keep on getting flashbacks of my ultrasounds and how big my angel had gotten. I regret my decision because I panicked and wish I had waited a little bit longer. I also used my best friend’s abortion as a benchmark but I was wrong because our situations weren’t similar. My other friend tried to talk me out of it but I wouldn’t listen because I wanted my bf’s support not his. The whole situation made me re-evaluate the whole relationship. I’ve also just found out that his ex gf that he lied about being broken up with is pregnant. It kicks like a mule but I am now closer to God than I’ve ever been. I kneel and pray to him for comfort and he has done wonders and just keeps on blessing me. I thought I would suffer or die but he is healing me everyday.

    I don’t like playing victim and don’t even want to blame anyone for what I did because ultimately the decision was mine. I’m learning to live with my mistakes everyday. We have to hold on and not give up faith in order to see how the story ends. I wish I could have my baby back but I can’t. Abortion is not a joke. If you are thinking about it please please reconsider. If you have done it don’t do it ever again :-(

    • EI says:

      Dear Yola,

      I’m very sorry to hear what you have gone through, but also glad to her that you are turning to God in prayer. He will help you to both heal and learn from this experience. I strongly encourage you to read our tips on finding a post-abortion healing program. While you can make significant progress by yourself, I’m confident that the help and understanding of others will help you even more.

      You are in our prayers.

  28. keith christie says:

    I Came across your web site after my wife left a couple a weeks ago.
    Last year in China we was expecting are second child,we talked about having the baby and we decided to have an abortion.At the time i remember asking my wife are you sure you will hate if you do.She said she would not and she was sure.
    Fast forward to here in Cebu(my wife is a filipaina) couple of months ago my wife told me what she had been carry around since we meet for years ago.This was only when she left to go back to her home city.As it was the past i said leave where it is and come home.Which she/we did however out of the blue she packs her bags and goes home the next day.This after a normal day off with me and are daughter had family pictures taken then by the late afternoon she packs her bags and goes.
    She tell me she needs to go because she need to earn her own money this i did not understand as she could have done this here.
    Turns out that she/we have not had closure after the abortion,.We never talked about her feeling not once,i for a much as I love my wife did not know what to say or do,and she never said anything at all.
    since the abortion noticeable this year she had grown distant from me would do thing to avoid
    Thing I just was not there for my wife acted more like a boyfriend not a loving husband/father of are beautiful daughter.
    Even before this dream what the little boy/girl would be like.time to time always asked myself what it would be like to have a boy after 3 girls.
    How can i make right what i put wrong.How do I give back to my wife herself.And mend are family
    Any advice.

    • EI says:

      You and she should both find and participate in a post-abortion healing program. Here are tips on what to look for and how to find one. I’m not sure what is available in Cebu or the Philippines. You may have to travel. You may also need to contact some churches and ask if they know of any programs. Many Catholic dioceses have post-abortion healing programs. You might also find a number of books on post-abortion healing.

      Perhaps the most important thing to do is to start grieving together. Break the silence. Apologize to her and tell her how much you are hurting both because of her hurt and because of the loss of your child. Pray together and ask God to help you name your child and each of you can write a note of love and apology to the child. Then perhaps you can find some other way to memorialize the child and your loss. All of this will help to make the grief process more real . . . like when burying a loved one. It is best to find a post-abortion healing group that can help both of you through this process. But you can do it. Don’t give up hope. Be open to sharing your concern, love, and grief and your promise to be with her as she works through it all, too.

      You and your wife and children are in our prayers.

      • keith christie says:

        Hiya El,
        Thanks no grieving taken place however seems like she moved onto life without me.is normal that she can been in love with me lost and than next day no feeling.Trying to understand if what she says all linked with the abortion.
        moving out,wanting to do things by herself..etc..

        • EI says:

          I’m sorry to hear that she has moved out. I pray that with time her heart will heal and soften toward you. I’m sure that she does still have feelings for you, but they are mixed and overcome by her own ache which she is trying to cover over by hardening her heart and “creating a new life” for herself . . . which requires pretending that her old life doesn’t matter any more. Hang in there. Be as loving and patient as you can be. Deepen your patience with prayer for her and your children. Even if she won’t participate, I would still encourage you to go through a post-abortion healing program to help you both with the loss of the abortion, in understanding her, and for help dealing with the grief associated with your broken marriage.

  29. Guy says:

    Me and my girlfriend have known each other since elementary school but it was almost a decade before we were reunited as a couple. We are both college graduates. I’m 27 and shes 26. I have a steady job but not in my ideal career path. Shes unemployed right now. We considered moving. She was in a very serious relationship about a year ago. We’ve been together about 5 months. I am in love with her. Supposedly she loves me too but after finding out shes pregnant she is seeking an abortion. Shes adamant about it because of emotional duress she anticipates (she thinks having a baby will make her depressed) and financial worries due to her not working. Also she wants to continue on to grad school I think. I am kind of at a loss. I told her I was against it, I am ready to be a father. Out of love I am going to support her decision but biting my tongue all the way. Plus she asked me to help pay for it. I feel numb to all of this at this point and I think NOT having the baby will destroy us. I already feel regardless of how stressed out and depressed she feels now, it will only be worse. Since she was clinically depressed she was taking meds for it up until finding out about the pregnancy. I know this is a factor, but I still think everything will be ok… it may, it may not but I’m willing to deal with it. My mom is for the birth. Her mom is too. I feel rejected, confused, angry, sterile… like a sperm donor that is about to be cast out. Is it possible someone can love me and do this to our unborn child…?

    • EI says:

      Hi Guy,

      To answer your last question, yes, it is possible for her to love you and still be so afraid of having your baby that she would have an abortion.

      You are also right, however, that your relationship has the best chance of surviving in the future if she changes her mind and has the child. Having an abortion will almost surely doom your relationship.

      You are also right that if she does have an abortion, it is far more likely to make her depression worse, not better. In the long run, having a child is more likely to help reduce the recurrence of depression. Abortion is more likely to make it worse. As you will also see on our web site, abortion is also more likely to lead to suicidal behaviors, especially for women with risk factors for more severe psychological problems associated with abortion…which are in abundance in her case.

      You are right to try to show love to her even if she refuses to cancel the abortion. You shouldn’t use withholding love as a threat. On the other hand, it is quite fair to express your concern that your relationship won’t survive the abortion, and the grief it will cause you (and her, even if she doesn’t realize it yet) may not make it possible for you to build a healthy relationship.

      Regarding her request that you help pay for the abortion, your moral obligation is clear. You should not. Nor should you even take her to the abortion clinic. You should do nothing to help contribute to an act which you believe to be the killing of your own child. Such an act of culpability will only make you feel worse. And, withholding this support, may finally get through to her how strongly and deeply your are committed to protecting your child, not killing it.

      The only “support” you should promise is that even if she goes through with it, you will try to love her and try to forgive her and try to understand that she is acting out of fear and confusion. In other words, you will try to hang onto an attitude of love, not hate. But if she does go through with it, she needs to know that she is not only destroying your child, but ripping out your heart. Out of love, if all you can do is to let her rip out your heart, you will endure it as best you can. But it is foolish and unkind of her to ask you to smile and help pay for this offense against both you and your child.

      Try to convey to her that you don’t want the abortion not only because of what it will do to your child, but also because you fear what it will do to her both psychologically and physically–including increased risk to future wanted pregnancies. The risks are far greater than abortion providers admit. Ask her to pray with you about it. Ask her to trust you and trust that God has a plan. Almost no one ever regrets having their child . . . even an untimely one. Almost half of all delivered pregnancies were unplanned. But people adjust and are so happy for these unexpected blessings. By contrast, many women and men deeply regret their abortions for the rest of their lives.

      Ask her to at least go see a pregnancy help center counselor with you. There she can talk to someone who has had an abortion and get some encouragement from a trained counselor to see how things can work out for the best.

      Finally, remember that what she is most struggling with now is fear. She’s afraid of change. She is afraid of losing something, or many things, if she accepts this baby into her life. This fear may be so intense it creates feelings of despair, and having an abortion appears to be a way of taking control and preventing this loss. The big lie is that having an abortion substitutes a different loss into her life, and new feelings of despair and helplessness. If she has the child, the unknowns resolve themselves and you guys will find a way to reorder your lives with room for your child (and future children) into your lives. Having an abortion creates issues of loss and despair that are not so easily resolved. So in short, anything you can do to offset her feelings of fear and despair by your example of courage, strength, confidence, and steadfastness (in refusing to do what you know is wrong, like paying for an abortion, for example…which would be as bad as handing a gun to her if she said she wanted to commit suicide).

      You, she, and your child are in our prayers. Let us know how it turns out. Either way, you will all continue to be in our prayers.

  30. Katelyn says:

    I experienced an abortion 6 months ago. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. I did not want to end the pregnancy, but my boyfriend did. So after constantly arguing I made the decision to end it, partly because my boyfriend was worried about financial resources and partly because my mom said I needed to “do what’s best”. Now I find it very difficult to interact normally with my boyfriend and mom. My boyfriend doesn’t show any emotions. He says that he has to be strong because it’ll make it harder for me if he shows his hurt too. I feel like he doesn’t care. I am still grieving and it’s still very hard for me. I am worried that our relationship is going to really suffer. Sometimes I can hardly stand to look at him because of the resentment I feel, and sometimes I can’t help but to think about our baby when I see my boyfriend. I really want to keep our relationship, but I’m not sure how to heal from this and also help my boyfriend heal. Any suggestions?

    • EI says:

      With our without your boyfriend, you should read our page on finding a post-abortion healing program and find one that is right for you. You need to do this for yourself, first. You also need to do it if the relationship has any chance to survive. Hopefully, he’ll participate, too.

      His explanation that he is trying to stay strong and not show his hurt may be true. On the other hand, while he thinks its best, experience shows it is not. If the two of you are going to heal, he’ll have to open himself up to both his loss and yours so you can grieve together. He needs to understand that just as it would be rude and hurtful for him to stay “strong and distant” if your entire family was killed in an airplane crash, it is just as rude and hurtful for him to ignore the hurt you are feeling after your abortion.

      It’s likely that in part he’s using the “I need to just be strong for you and not add to your grief by showing mine” philosophy as an unconscious excuse to avoid opening up his heart to the pain that he knows is there if he looks at it too close. In that way, he can pretend that he’s being strong for you when really he’s mostly afraid of confronting and opening up to his own pain.

      You are in our prayers. Please call a post-abortion healing ministry today.

  31. steve says:

    I have been goin out with this girl for the past 7 months until she became pregnant, I wanted the baby cos its my first child but the family of the girl has a bigger say in her life, they give her advice which the girl always put to practice, at a time, the family of the girl said I must marry her and she is going to live with me, I told the family that they should give me more little time to fix my apartment in order and get some stuffs together before we start living together. The girl put alot of pressure in my head, all of a sudden she started worrying me that she does not want to feel sick again, she does not want to vommit again, that she want to be free like before. I knew where she was going, she said that she does not want the child anymore. I said ok that I will respect ur decision,her family, friends have all given her some bad ideas which I alone cannot personally change her mind. They want me to marry her immediately, I agree to be responsible for the child support if she had the baby but untill the very day, she went to a doctor for appointment, she called me and the doctor asked us to return again. The doctor asked us to pay 250 dollars- which I had 200usd in my pocket, I told the girl that I dont have more with me, if she can assist up. The elder sister of the girl promised to help with 50usd. She had the abortion, the mum was pretending not to be aware of what happened. I lost my child of 2 months. Please can someone be kind and reply back to me tru my email – obidikeao at yahoo dot com. I need somebody to console my grief, my pains, am a catholic, I live in Latin America, far away from my parents. Please God forgive me my sins, make me new. I want to find happiness in my life again- Please am hopin to hear from you all.

    • EI says:

      Your comment and email address have been posted. Perhaps there is someone who can give you regular advice.

      I’d also encourage you to read the articles on men and abortion here. You should also seek out a post-abortion counselor in your country. As a Catholic, you should also go to confession and ask the priest if there are any post-abortion programs that can help you process your grief. God will forgive. But being forgiven is not the same as working through the healing process. It’s an important step, of course! But it would really help you to be able to talk with a post-abortion counselor and to work through the issues you face.

  32. Jade says:

    Hello I got pregnant to a guy who I was seeing then became friends with benefits as he was a massive player for 8 months I fell hard for him and his games I was caught up in a love triangle with him and his ex girlfriend who he swore he hated just when i gave up and decided to be just friends I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant start of feb to him and at first I wanted to Keep it but he wanted an abortion so I decided it was best for the unborn child to abort as he would be in and out of childs life and i have no family close by and could effort to look after my self he was so supportive for first week calling every day and staying with me every night then 2 nights before the abortion he told he this baby has made him realize he loves and wants to be with the ex And i was being selfish abd never asked him how he felt and was sick of me crying as deep down i wanted this child so night before the abortion he told me we could no longer be friends as he has a right to be happy even if it meant being selfish and he took me to the clinic had the abortion then left me to recover by myself at my home with no support from him I’ve tried to teach out only for him to say I’m done with you and to let him be not only am I feeling so much guilt and regret I lost a friend I thought that cared for me who told me I’m being dramatic and to get over the abortion

    • EI says:

      Jade, I’m very sorry to hear what you have been through. Please don’t just bury your hurt. Doing so will hurt you and will also set you up for being hurt the same way again in the future. Please call one of the post-abortion help lines listed here. You need to find a good adviser and friend who has been through a situation like yours and is also trained in post-abortion counseling.

      You are in our prayers.

  33. GoP says:

    im a few weeks pregnant and when my boyfriend found out, he said right away that he doesnt want the baby. he told me that he’s not yet ready especially that neither one of our families know about our relationship yet.
    i feel sad because after this he already kept his distance and told me already that he doesnt know if we’ll still be together soon.
    i feel devastated because i feel that im not only losing our baby but i’ll lose my bf too.

    • EI says:

      What you are going through is very common. The lack of support and feeling you may lose your boyfriend is heartbreaking. All I can tell you is that literally millions of women who have been in the same boat and chosen abortion because of it would give anything to have made a different decision.

      Don’t let your fear of losing him, or even your fear of being a single parent, lead you into a decision you will forever regret and blame yourself for.

      Please check out the pregnancy resource centers that can help you through this crisis.

      Ironically, if this is a guy worth having in your life, having your baby, despite his objections, may change his heart. If not, your better off without him anyway. But you won’t be better off without your child. It may be hard to see now, but your child will be a blessing to both of you. Virtually no one ever regrets having had their children, even when they were unplanned or “unwanted.” But regrets over an abortion are common, long lasting, and can never be fully repaired.

      Be strong. Be confident. Stand up for yourself and your baby. You will find friends and resources to help you through pregnancy help centers near you.

    • EI says:

      Oh, a couple more things. Before you talk yourself into having an abortion, much less let anyone else convince you to do so, Please see “Identifying High Risk Abortion Patients” or “Abortion decisions and the duty to screen: clinical, ethical, and legal implications of predictive risk factors of post-abortion maladjustment“ for a more complete list of risk factors, including citations to the studies identifying each risk factor. You should also read our page summarizing studies related to the psychological and physical risks of abortion.

  34. Damy says:

    Hi it’s an anonymous girl I have a problem I was a young when I had
    My abortion family told me not do occasionally I would B thrown out my home pregnant in the cold….. I wanted the baby I prayed every night and told myself never to let it go but my bf had t spoke in months I thought he abandoned me and I felt played I. Went to his house and thought he gave me the wrong address it was like love at first sight tho we were so happy until he called me out the blue and told me he would call the cops on me because he was 16 so I yahoo d it and asked people was it normal me being 20 n all everyone said I was going to jail just everybody was pointing. Me in 3 different dire toons now be wants go work out the relationship what should I do???

    • EI says:

      If you are still pregnant, please contact a pregnancy help center.

      If you had an abortion, please read our tips and suggestions on finding help after an abortion.

      Even though he doesn’t want to see you, that doesn’t mean you should have an abortion. Nor does it necessarily mean you would be in any legal trouble if he accused you of being too old to have sex with him, especially if he misled you about his age. You would need to talk to a lawyer, but I find it hard to believe that any judge or jury would punish you with jail time, nor would it effect his obligation to eventually pay child support. Underage laws are not often enforced, especially with a 16 year-old. In fact, I doubt that the four year difference in your ages constitute underage sex in any state . . . especially since he is over 15.

      If your asking if you should take him back after he wanted you to have an abortion, I would discourage it. If a guy doesn’t want a woman in his life when she’s pregnant, than he doesn’t really want her in his life in any permanent way. He just wants easy sex with a woman he is ready to reject as soon as “something better” becomes available. Your better off without him. Save yourself for a man who is totally and fully committed to you . . . for life.

  35. tasha says:

    I’m 17 years old and yesterday I went into hospital for the second part of my abortion. It was the worst day of my life. Two weeks after me nd my ex broke up, Ifound out I was pregnant and I knew exactly what he was gonna say, as he always went on about how girls who get pregnant and keep babies at this age are vile and stupid and I always disagreed, as my sister had my nephew when she was 18. He rang me and was really angry at me for considering keeping the baby. He kept rushing me to make a decision and because I needed more time than 2 days to make adecision, he broke all contact with me. I was for sure going to keep it until I heard people in my own house talking about me behind my back. I spoketo a few friends who have had children and they said it was best to terminate. My ex then got back inro contact with me and decided to make up a bunch of lies saying I had tricked him and told him I was on the pill when infact he knew all along I wasnt on contraception. He pressured and pressured me every single second of everyday sayong that he wanted to committ suicide and I was ruining everyones lives around me, so I gave in and booked an abortion. Everyone was suddenly proud of me for making the ‘righr decision’ except for me. I took the first pill onwednesday by myself in the hospital and guilt oozed out of me as I walked out with my head in my hands. But yesterday when I went for the second part, my ex and my best friend came with me where we spent 7 hours in the hospital. At 1:30pm I saw my baby come out of me. He/she just led there lifeless infront of me. I stared for about 5 minutesas I noticed that he or she had arms, fingers, a head and pupils. I had no dea that it would blook so human and have formed so much. The world closed in on me and I stared in amazment in tears and realised what I had done. Before the abortion appointment my ex was being really supportive depsite my horrific mood swings, but when it was all over he just went blank, he won’t make 5 minutes tto talk to me or support me and it doesn’t seem like he cares that our child is just gone and we will neer get him or her bavk. He says I’m attention seeking when I say I need support and doesn’t seem to understand that this is really painful for me even if it isn’t affecting him.for some sick Reason. I hate myself for killing my baby and iwill never forgive myself for letting people pressure me. I will never forget my little angel, I’ll love you forever and I’m sososo sorry. How dobi get my ex to understand that I need his support? No one understands the pain.

    • EI says:

      Dear Tasha,

      Our hearts and prayers go out to you through all that you are suffering.

      I understand the guilt and shame you feel for giving into all the pressure from your ex and family, and even the friends who reassured you that abortion was the “right choice.”

      I strongly encourage you to seek support not from your boyfriend but rather from women at a post-abortion healing ministry who have been where you are. Please read our page on finding a post-abortion healing ministry and find someone you can talk with. It may take a some time to get past the immediacy of your trauma, but at the right time you should then participate in a healing program . . . and stick with it. Until then, at least talk to someone there and know that you can call her anytime you need some support and understanding.

      Regarding your last question, how do you get your ex to understand that you need his support? You can’t. Especially right now. He’s built up defensive walls around this whole abortion issue. Long before you even became pregnant, he had steeled himself to ignore the baby and the feelings of any girl he got pregnant because “getting rid of it” was the “practical” thing to do because it would get him off the hook for any responsibility to the baby or you (or any other girl). That’s why he pushed so hard and was manipulative.

      If he saw your aborted baby with you, he’s traumatized, too, which is putting him into even a higher level of denial. Even if he didn’t see it, and he has just heard you talk about it and is seeing your grief . . . that provokes denial, too. He doesn’t want to . . . and maybe can’t handle . . . the realization that his selfish demands and manipulations have done this much damage to you . . . much less if he too saw that the baby was truly a baby, his baby, your baby, and that both of you saw how his demands had led to this tragedy.

      I’m not making excuses for his decisions. But I am offering the “excuse” that most people can’t psychologically handle what he and you have been through without either breaking down or building up huge defense mechanisms. For you, it’s breaking down into tears and grief. He’s deathly afraid of giving into grief because that would require also admitting his guilt in pushing for the abortion . . . and more. So he’s distancing himself from you, and is very likely to bury himself in other activities, or drinking, or carousing, or anything else to get away from what he doesn’t want to think about.

      One day, all of his defense mechanisms will collapse. Then he will grieve and feel guilty. Maybe, but not usually, he may even come back to tell you how sorry he has become. Pray for him. Pray that someday he will have the strength, the courage, and the humility to face the truth and find the healing which you are now seeking. But don’t expect it to come easily for him. And don’t expect him to be of any help to you anytime in the near future. His process is most likely going to go through a long stage of denial, and anything you try to do or say will just push him further into denial. Don’t look to him for much in the way of empathy and support. And most certainly, don’t get involved with him any further . . . especially sexually. Don’t let your grief become something more he can prey upon in some twisted way of “making up” to you through more sex . . . which can just lead to another pregnancy and more pressure to abort, which sadly happens all too often.

      You need to look after yourself now. And I strongly encourage you to get help and understanding from women who have been in your shoes and have been through post-abortion healing and are experienced at helping people like you on the path to healing.

      I know you feel like you will never forgive yourself. And it is certainly true you will never forget nor stop loving the child you lost. But with support and love, you can use this experience to grow into a wiser, more loving, more mature woman who will be able to forgive the younger version of herself who just lacked the wisdom and strength to resist all those pressures, just as God is willing to forgive you.

      Don’t lose hope. Grief is natural and, with help, leads to growth and healing. Let others help you. But at the same time, don’t look for that help from an ex-boyfriend who is deep in his own denial, trauma, selfishness, et cetera. At this stage, all he can do is either drag you down or further exploit you because he really doesn’t know how to do better. I feel both angry at him and sorry for him at the same time. But you can’t fix him. And it is almost certainly best for you, and him, to not have anything to do with him . . . except in the unlikely circumstance that he wants to participate in post-abortion healing program with you — even then, only assuming your counselor agrees it would be a good idea.

      You’re in our prayers, Tasha. I know it’s hard. But don’t give up hope. And do reach out to as many post-abortion healing resources as you may need.

  36. tasha says:

    Thank you so much, this is literlly the most support I’ve gotten so far, it means the absolute world. I’m gonna find a support programme which I’ll attend by myself, as he doesn’t want to, which I knew would be the case anyway. Thank you for the support!

  37. Mindy says:

    Can anybody tell me how I can have my ex-boyfriend back after the fact that he doesn’t love me anymore and walled me off after we went through an abortion together it makes me really said and guilty and the crying comes and go.

    • EI says:

      I don’t think you and your ex-boyfriend will be able to repair your relationship until you both address the emotional scars the abortion had on each of you. I strongly recommend that you seek post-abortion counseling for yourself. You might suggest it to him, also, and might even suggest going to a program together. But if he’s not interested, you still need to do it for yourself. Going through your own healing will also help you to understand why it is hard for him to be with you and to better understand how he may be having trouble coping with the abortion . . . which is often expressed by being withdrawn from the you.

  38. Mindy says:

    Thank you for replying back to me. I think I feel okay or fine and feel like just crying occasionally wouldn’t kill me. But I don’t know how to tell him anything because I feel like the moment I started the arguments the chances of us talking is so slim. I don’t know why I feel like I want him back in my life maybe because I feel like I have a void in my life. I also caused drama at this house and still thinking about oh so that is the reason why you don’t want to be with me anymore. I also got so mad at him was like you don’t want me anymore because I have nothing to offer to you. But there I am stuck thinking if I should tell my parents and his parents because we both screwed up. I know that I’m really trying too hard to make things work. But I have thought about the out comes a million times I don’t want to feel like I’m doing something humiliating myself to myself when I already did the moment I stepped in front of his house. I still haven’t told my parents or anybody in my family but five of my close friends they all don’t know how I exactly feel. But one of my friend told me he knows and he told me that I really need to go fine help and do some kind of healing. I don’t feel anything but before I told him about why I constantly want to cling on to my ex-boyfriend. He told me sister you really need to heal and I’m really happy that you were in an equal relationship where you both get even with each other. I don’t know how to make the choice anymore do you think it would help me if I tell my family and his family what I have done so I don’t feel this guilt anymore. I feel so guilty because I’m hiding this from a lot of people that cares about me and they are not just random people but family. Can you help me make a better choice because I do am really stubborn and I do really miss him. I felt like I really loved him. I don’t know how to explain it because we been friends for a decade now and I don’t think he needs to cop because he forgets things like over night. Don’t remember any of the words he once told me that I’m still cling on and thinking that those aren’t empty words they are reals words and he meant them. I tried so many times but I’m always kicked to the curve. After the abortion I felt like he changed and I changed to I felt now see that I started to developing the bitterness that he told me about. He told me that he moves on fast and really fast and told me about his grandma and he said a lot about her and told me how cool she is but after she died maybe he missed her for a month or felt said for a month but he told me who is grandma after that month of sadness. So I’m hoping you can give me some idea of what I should do since everybody has a different experience.

    • EI says:

      Hi Mindy,

      I strongly encourage you, once again, to find a post-abortion counselor for yourself. You really do need to deal with your own hurts, including his rejection, with a trained post-abortion counselor. Whether or not your relationship can eventually be saved . . . I don’t know. But I do know that trying to beg or push him into working to save it won’t work. Even he is telling you the same thing, through your friend, who told you he wants you to find help and get some kind of healing.

      The simple fact is that if he cares for you at all, and I’m sure he does . . . at least some, if not enough for rebuilding a relationship . . . he wants you to recover from your loss and grief, over both him and the abortion. But most importantly, he doesn’t know how to help you. He lacks the wisdom, in sight, and words. And seeing you in distress, needing comfort, needing love, just reminds him how powerless he is to help you (and even himself) because he has his own interior wounds, fears, and hangups. He can’t give you what a trained counselor needs. And even if he was filled with love for you and wanted to express that love for you . . . it still wouldn’t fix things because there is still this abortion loss that you both share that he can’t fix in you or himself.

      Regarding your family, maybe it would be good to talk to a parent of family member who can support you and also help encourage you and help you find a post-abortion counselor. Don’t expect a lot of insight and help. At best, you will get loving empathy. But most people, especially our own family members, feel unprepared . . . and are unprepared to give good advice and support through something like this. Again this is something you can discuss with a counselor . . . but I’d still advise talking to a counselor first, especially if there is any chance that your parents, for example, may not be as supportive as you hope, in which case, you may feel even worse after talking to them which is why you should then already be in contact with your post-abortion counselor.

      I would not recommend going to his family to tell them about the abortion. That may only make him feel betrayed and will put them into an awkward situation and will probably make you feel worse rather than better. Let that side of the relationship rest for now. Do your own healing. Only then will you even begin to have the wisdom to know if and when you should talk further with him and/or his family about this loss.

      You are in our prayers.

  39. simon koh says:

    Im simon koh from singapore. I got my mistress pregnant. She become very moody in her pregnancy even after abortion she became worst. She got abortion april 2 dis year until now she havent got period yet. She always angry at me,accusing me, threathning me she also blackmailing me and She dont want to have sex with me anymore.

    • EI says:

      I don’t know if there are any post-abortion healing programs available to you in Singapore but she clearly needs help. If she can read English, or if you can find a web application to translate our pages, you may both benefit from reading some of our resources.

      The emotional pain she is suffering from the abortion is the same as grief associated with the death of a loved one . . . even worse because she sees both herself and you as responsible for the death. This is deep, hurtful stuff that manifests itself in anger and an inability to desire or accept sex which is exactly what led to the pregnancy in the first place.

      There are no fast, easy solutions, but there are a few basic, necessary steps if there is going to be any hope for the two of you. First, stop pressing for sex. Until she and you both heal the wounds caused by the abortion, sex will not be mutually satisfying. Second, apologize to her for your part in the abortion. Third, share with her your grief over the loss of the baby and what it has done to your relationship. Fourth, work with her to find a post-abortion healing program that can help you both. You may be able to find a program through a Christian or Catholic church, many of which have connections to post-abortion healing and pregnancy help centers.

  40. RFL says:

    2 days from now would be a week since mine.
    I’ve been dating a wonderful man with 2 kids of his own out of wedlock from the same mother & also a grandfather from his 17 yr old girl. Everytime this happened to him was the “wrong” time & so was this. We’ve wanted this but the right way, in a marriage & even though it was clear enough, closer to the date of the medical abortion… I questioned, if it was wrong timings back then why should this be any different? Battling with these thoughts & running out of time, I gave in. He was with me every step of the way… Cried whenever I did… Held in close all thru the pain & the nights of restlessness. I returned to my apartment as to give him space to spend time with his son who was visiting & had no idea what was going on. Now while I’m alone & dealing with grief & still trying to reason everything & don’t have him thru this battling process till his son leaves…. I’m debating our relationship. He’s promised to be there al the way and has been there till today & I know if we get thru this, we will have our lives back to the way we wanted this…. But part of me just wants to walk away now & not give this a chance.

    • EI says:

      One thing I can tell you with confidence . . . your lives will not go back to they way they were. This is too big of a experience to not forever change both of you. In most cases, it leads to a break up. In some cases, it leads to couples staying together despite unresolved hurts, grief, and blame toward each other or themselves, simply because they paid such a high price to be with each other they feel obligated to stick it out. In other cases, when couples work through the grief and healing process together, this shared loss and experience can lead to deeper levels of understanding and love for each other. It’s not easy. But it is worth working towards. I strongly suggest that you consider attending a Rachel’s Vineyard weekend retreat together, as a couple. It may take some time before you are ready, but talking to a post-abortion healing counselor may give you some guidance as to when it would be best for you to pursue this option.

  41. sally says:

    I had an abortion january 2012, i was about to turn 21 and had a long term but unstable relationship with my high school boyfriend. When i told him i was pregnant there was no hesitating on my part to get an abortion. I was afraid and it was an instinct on my part. I told him my decision and he agreed told me “it was the only thing to do”. After it was done he told me he could never look at me the same way, that he couldn’t believe i had done that (referring to the getting pregnant) and that i was not to contact him. Shortly I found out he was casually seeing a girl, and had gotten her pregnant only 2 months after my abortion. They now live together.

    I feel hurt and humiliated and alone. I have felt this way ever since I chose to end my pregnancy. Some days i wake up feeling like a murderer, hating myself and not believing i could have done that. Other days i wake up feeling that i did the right thing for the baby and i.

    I went through this process alone, my family and close friends don’t know, and wonder why it has been hard for me to let go of my ex. I feel that there is something that bounds us together, i believe he does not feel the loss i feel. He didn’t live the process therefore it is not his reality, and i resent him for that, for letting me go through it alone, for making me watch him raise a baby with a stranger ¡, for not loving my baby, for not caring, for having a baby to hold.

    • EI says:

      Dear Sally,

      It’s been over a year and a half since your abortion. The strong feelings you continue to have are a sign that you would likely benefit from participation in a post-abortion healing program. Please read our tips and look at the list of resources for finding a program that is right for you.

      You are right that your ex does not have the same post-abortion experience you do. But it is likely that it does affect him too, but in different ways . . . including through his being with his other child by the other woman. That baby is a reminder of the baby he lost with you, and it is likely he is facing some issues with trying to both enjoy his other child and to grieve the one he lost. It’s not an easy balance, and he may be deep in denial and other coping mechanisms.

      All you can do is try to address your own needs for healing. Please call one or more of the post-abortion healing groups listed on our resources page.

  42. David says:

    Hi, I just found out that my girlfriend of 18 months is pregnant. We both were not expecting to have a baby. I’m divorce and a father of 2. She 32 years old never been married or any kids. She is a pre school teacher so she good with kids and she just finish her masters recently. Her plans is to get married first buy a house first and then have kids. Which I completely understand but under these conditions she wants to have an abortion. I honestly don’t know how to act weather I should be glad because I’ve already have 2 kids of my own at financially I’m not ready for another baby but at the same time I would love to have a child with her. She already made the appointment for the abortion. What should I do? I tried talking to her but she does not take my side to consideration. She says that she not ready, and she does not want to have a baby without being married or have a house.

    • EI says:

      I would suggest that you review, and ask her to review, the risk factors for women who are more likely to experience more severe negative emotional reactions to abortion. A list of those identified by the American Psychological Association is here. For an even more complete list, see this article.

      At this point, her decision is driven by rationale, practical considerations that reflect an effort to fit her life to a predefined dream of what it should be like . . . including being married, living in a home, and ready for a child. But the bottom line is that she is a woman who loves children, has a maternal nature, and wants to have children of her own. This means her emotional needs and attachments are at odds with what is practical and “makes sense.” This is a HUGE risk factor for her later having severe emotional reactions associated with an abortion. She may cope fine for many years, but someday when she does have her wanted, planned baby, what she has lost in this abortion is likely to come crashing back down on her. Encourage her to read some of the testimonies of women who made a “practical” decision to abort, which made perfect sense from that perspective, but then discovered that this led to a haunting grief that they would do anything to undo.

      In short, I’m suggesting that you try talking to her not about your needs (which she is already discounting) or even about the baby, but rather about your deep concern that a decision that neglects all the factors that indicate that she is likely to have negative emotional reactions, especially in the long term, will hurt her. Show her you are scared for her. Try to convince her that you being here for her, and your willingness to marry and provide for her and your children, makes all the difference. This unexpected child is just an unexpected path to happiness. An abortion not only destroys this child and the happiness he or she can bring into your lives, it will plant deep seeds of regret, grief, and obstacles in future parenting and future relationships.

      You are all in our prayers.

  43. CL says:

    Hello, my fiancee had an abortion last month. Before finding out she was pregnant we always had fun together, seeing her was the best part of my days. Shes currently in school finishing up her bachelors and in a year long program where they offer you a job for the best project. These things take the majority of her days yet she will always find time to talk to me and see me. When she found out she was pregnant she told me she didnt want to have the baby because she was afraid of the baby blocking her from getting her bachelors, but deep down i knew she wanted it. I told her i would love to have the baby but i wouldnt want it getting in the way of accomplishing her dreams. After this abortion she hardly talks to me, responds in one word responses and doesnt want to see me nor want me to pick her up from work. Are mood swings usually like this? Is my relationship with her on the rocks? I love her more than anything in this world but i feel helpless, i feel like im not needed anymore and im the last person she wants to see or talk to. I try to tell her whats wrong or lets talk things out but i hardly see her now and plans usually change when she does get time to see me. She usually blames the classes or the program for her being stressed out but i know its the abortion stressing her out. All i am trying to do is be a good fiance and support her at all costs, but under these circumstances….how can i if she wont let me?

    • EI says:

      Hi CL,

      You’re in a tough spot. She is too, of course. You are right that her distancing behavior is related to you being so close to the underlying issues she doesn’t want to address . . . the abortion of yours and her child.

      Try to be patient with her and continue to show her all the love you can, expecting that her distancing behavior will continue, at least for at time. Remember that this doesn’t necessarily mean she is rejecting you so much as struggling with her own feelings.

      I’d suggest you do some homework and read Forbidden Grief for a better understanding of the issues women and couples face and how they work through them. If you think it appropriate, ask her to read it, too. Offer to attend a post-abortion healing program with her. If she’s not interested, you may benefit from going through a post-abortion program for yourself. Perhaps seeing you work through these issues for your own sake will inspire her to do the same. You might also benefit by reading some of our other articles on men and abortion.

      How I wish there was an easy answer. But we both know it won’t be easy. Obviously, you can’t force her to love you, or to accept your love, or to even deal with any of these issues when it may be her primary instinct to “forget everything” even if it means forgetting you, too.

      I can’t guarantee that your love can hold your relationship together, much less repair all the hurts she and you have experienced. But I can encourage you to hang in there and be loving, be patient, be kind . . . and be prayerful that God will give you both the graces you need to work through this.

      You are both in our prayers.

  44. engela says:

    I have been dating this guy for about 6months and i fall pregnant ,i told him that im pregnant but he told me he is not ready for a child,because he doesnt want to have another child outside marriage,since he has another child with with ex girlfriend and i dont have a child.He told me if i dont abort the baby it will be the end of our relationship,i refused to abort the baby and the guy dissappeard,and before he dissappeard he started sending text messages on my mobile phone that he wish i die while delivering the baby and just something bad happens to me,this realy stressed me and i just told myself that i will be strong and i wont do an abortion,im now going through this pregnancy alone,its tough but im pulling through.

    • EI says:

      Stay strong Engela. Don’t let his harassment wear you down. Have you contacted an pregnancy help center–one that doesn’t refer for abortions but instead offers friendship, supplies, and other forms of help? If you are in the United States, there are many of these help centers and I am sure there is one close to you. If you are elsewhere, we may still be able to help you find one. Let us know if we can be of help in that regard. You and your baby are in our prayers.

  45. engela says:

    Thanks a lot,i have not contacted any pregnancy centre,well im in Botswana.I really need help this guy is tormenting me with text messages telling me how do i want to make him the father of my child while he doesn’t want the baby,he says he doesn’t want an association with me i should get rid of this thing so that we never meet again,he doesn’t want to have a child with me,he doesn’t understand why i want to keep a part of him when he doesn’t want the baby.And that he is going to get some legal advice regarding this matter or i should go with him to the lawyers and write that i will be alone on this and i wont bother him,which i refused to do,he says im selfish and he has been through a baby outside marriage and he doesn’t want to go through that route again,he doesn’t want to be stuck to me because of this baby that i want to keep,im putting him through a situation that he doesn’t want which is why he says im selfish.He told me that after breaking up with the mother of his child,he took the child because he wanted the baby but this one i have with him,he doesn’t want it because he didn’t plan for the baby.He told me again that after breaking up with this lady that’s the mother of his child he met another lady and he impregnated her,and he told the lady to abort and the lady agreed but i think im too special or too clever to think that keeping the baby will bond us.This guy is just hurting me a lot and i have sleepless nights and my sister even encouraged me to go and abort so that this guy will leave me alone,but i told my sister that im not going to empower the devil,only God’s will shall come to pass.Another problem is that this guy is a student where i work,well i work in a college and he came to top up his studies,he is 39 a teacher by profession and im 31,i assist students every day and every time he comes into my office i develop a terrible headache,or even when i say hi to him he will just keep quiet,or even when i see him around campus,it doesnt go well with me.please help me on how i can deal with this

    • EI says:

      You are doing the right thing. Don’t let him try to talk you into giving up your rights, and the rights of your child, to financial support. This is his child, too. Someday, he may come to regret that he ever pushed for the abortion because he will love his child as a man should. But for now, he sees it just as a “pregnancy” and a future obligation that he doesn’t want. He doesn’t yet know and feel in his heart that this is his son or daughter, a precious child! Ignore his ignorant selfish demands.

      Do not give into his demands. Go tell the police that he is harassing you and ask them to talk to him and warn him to back off. They may also be able to help you ask a judge for a restraining order, or some equivalent, which will subject him to the risk of fines or a few days in prison if he contacts you you or approaches you without your permission. Since you work at the same school, you may also consider going to the top people in your school and ask them to put him on notice that this has to stop . . . forbidding him from coming to your office. I suggest both of these options. He needs to be put on notice that other people are now aware of his harassment and that you are prepared to see him “punished” if he doesn’t leave you alone. There is no reason you should have to suffer this mental anguish just because he refuses to respect you and your child. He’s the one 100% at fault. He should be praising, encouraging, and supporting you . . . not doing all of the opposite.

      He may not have wanted this baby, but he did want the sex which led to this baby. Now is the time for him to learn that he can’t just go around impregnating women and expecting them to have abortions so he can save money to afford to go around and impregnate more women.

      You’re doing the right thing, protecting the life of your child. He can either grow up and become a man who accepts responsibility for his children, or he can whine in the corner about how unfair you are not to do everything he wants. But that doesn’t mean you need to listen to his whining, much less put up with his harassment. Whining, begging, and threatening are never manly, or sexy. He needs to grow up. And if he can’t do that, he at least must learn to leave you alone . . . even if it takes his supervisors and the police to explain this to him.

  46. Ace says:

    My wife and I have been together for over four years and married for over 18 months. Prior to marriage I had always made it clear how much I wanted children and that I wanted them soon after marriage. My wife was well aware and seemed to agree.

    After the wedding we discussed timing as she is currently studying and she was keen for it to fit in with her studies so I duly obliged. Around four months ago we agreed the time was right and started trying for a child – she soon fell pregnant. She started suffering from morning sickness and was generally down most of the time. My wife believes it was depression. When the 12 week scan was due, my wife did not want me to attend and to save an argument I agreed. On return from the scan, she broke down and was hysterical saying that she could not go ahead with it. As much as it killed me, I agreed to talk about the reasons why she felt like she did. In the end, I decided that it would be wrong for me to force her to keep the child as I could see the psychological effect it was having on her, but I made it very clear that I did not support the decision and made it clear it could very well break us up – but I would try my utmost to keep the marriage alive afterwards if she went ahead with abortion.

    After further discussions and visits to the hospital, she decided to go ahead with the termination. I provided her with as much support as I could as I felt it was my duty of being a husband, despite it breaking my heart. I am a very thick skinned person but this has broken me to pieces – it is the first time my wife has seen me cry and I know this hurt her a lot seeing me like this.

    I must point out that I have wanted children for a very long time and my family and I are against abortion for religious reasons, too. Due to this, there is no way that I can tell any of my family about this situation as it would make my relationship nearly impossible. We had to pretend it was a miscarriage and lying to my parents has not been easy at all. I have consoled in only a few people that I trust and that has helped. It has been around 5 weeks since the termination and I do not know what to do. I have not slept with my wife since which is a very long time for us. I feel resentful towards her from time to time and when we argue about things I often say that I am leaving. She tells me that she does want children but she thinks she needs help – she had a very difficult upbringing with her mother being a single parent and very little money – I understand this probably has had a negative effect. However, I am finding it difficult to believe that she will want children as soon as I want them considering the extreme measure she has just been through. Due to this, I do not know what to do! I love her and respect her so much and I think she is an amazing person, but I understand that breaking up may be the best for both of us.

    • EI says:

      I strongly encourage you to both attend a Rachel’s Vineyard Post-Abortion Healing weekend retreat in the UK. If that isn’t possible, at least seek some post-abortion healing programs for yourself.

      Healing will help you to find if and how you can save your marriage.

      What I am particularly struck by is why your wife “suddenly” became adamant against carrying the baby to term. I suspect there are psychological issues she is facing which make her fearful of being a mother that she may not have shared with you . . . and may even not be fully aware of herself. For example, is she had a prior history of abortion or being sexually abused as a child (and forced to abort) which has been so totally repressed she doesn’t even remember it, this could make being pregnant tremendously stressful, and the abortion could even be a re-enactment of her earlier loss. It could be something much less dramatic, and if it exists, is probably likely to be less dramatic. But so often in marriages the crisis of the day (the outward, obvious issues) are really just standing in for deeper issues that one or both of the spouses can’t fully see or discuss.

      You need marriage counseling. And she may need individual counseling as well to better understand why this pregnancy filled her with such fear, panic, and depression.

      It’s great that you are trying to stand beside her. But that doesn’t mean you should let her continue to hide from issues that are central to her own well being and her ability to be in a committed marriage that is open to the blessing of children. I strongly encourage you to use whatever influence you have to encourage her to get counseling, including marriage counseling for the both of you, and to both also get help from someone trained in post-abortion counseling. The post-abortion counseling itself may not be enough to prevent her from being afraid of having a baby in the future, but it has to be dealt with too, otherwise it will continue to be a poison in your relationship.

  47. sam says:

    Hi,

    My girlfriend had an abortion in April after an unplanned pregnancy. She gradually left me over the last 3 months and is throwing away many things in her life. She has alienated herself from people that love her and is a completely different person to the girl I loved. She acts all happy with her new friends who are not particularly good people. Deep down I don’t believe she is ok. Her reasons for leaving me were so sudden and out of character as we had a great relationship. I don’t know if her self destructive nature or any of this is all because of the abortion. She has this ability to compartmentalise everything and is really clever and stubborn that she knows how to distract herself. She never gave me a chance to help her heal and I can not heal without her. I miss her so much and I am so worried about her even though she acts all happy and fine. She is throwing away her entire life and I feel she will regret everything. Does looking at me remind her of what we did? She doesn’t talk to me or many of our mutual friends anymore. I don’t know what to do.

    Sam

    • EI says:

      I feel so sorry for what you and your girlfriend are going through. I think your analysis of the situation is correct. Many women will experience a profound personality change after an abortion which may include distancing from everyone in their past and busying themselves with distractions in order to fool themselves, and others, into looking like they are happy.

      The one thing you say that is incorrect is “I can not heal without her.” I know it would be easier to heal if she and you were both working along that path, but since she’s unwilling to do so with you, the BEST thing you can do for both her and yourself is to get help with your own post-abortion healing. I suggest you read our page on tips and call the 24 hours hotline 1-866-482-5433 for abortion recovery to find a referral for a post-abortion program for men.

      Your own healing needs to be your #1 priority. On the other side of your healing, by God’s grace, you may have insights and an opportunity to touch her heart again by showing her your healed and loving heart . . . not just your broken heart. The former may inspire her and draw her to desire healing to. Right now, your broken heart just reminds her of the brokenness she is trying to hide and run from.

      The only other thing you can and should do, for both yourself and her, is to pray. Pray for an openness to God and God’s mercy and life transforming graces. Even if you’ve never had much room for God in your life, this is the time to make that space and fill it with hope and healing.

  48. cs says:

    i recently find out that my gf of 3months is 5weeks and 5 dayz pregnant….we are both madly inlove and i am happy and excited about the bby as she is…we both working and am willing to take care of her and the baby and i have made it clear to her i will b happy if she keeps the baby….the day we went to a Dr i was so happy and she told her mother and her mother was so furious and that made devastated as to what to do cause she has to go and study next year 2014….i am a very religious person and am totally against abortion….and her mom wants her to do abortion and it pressurising her .
    i have told her what could this do to us in a long run if she do abortion…..the whole thing is stressing her and me.and i know she wants to keep the child as she told me she was so happy she’s going to be a mom soon…..now after telling her mom she wants to do abortion because she feels she has disapointed her parents…..and she has mix feeling and i strongly feel if she goes tru wit it she will regret it and it wil wreck me ,her and our relationship…..i so want this kid but i dont know wat to do or say to make her do rational decision……what can i do to make her to realise that this is a precious thing to hold on to it than to regret later in life?….i have told her that i am not running away from my firstborn for nothing else i wil be there with her every step of the way…Pls help me to convince her to be strong and i have also suggested a distance learning if she wants to study and if the baby is born i will take the bby to my mom while she study and i work….so that she cud hv a good future with both important things in her lyf i.e having a diploma and a child at the same time…PLS HELP this will wreck me i can feel it.

    • EI says:

      You are right that she is only considering doing this because of the pressure she faces from her parents. I suggest you print out or have her read about the risk factors for severe psychological reactions to abortion (which includes feeling pressured into an abortion), and about the physical and psychological risks associated with abortion. It may also help to read some of the testimonies on our site.

      You might also try to get her mother to read this material. She needs to understand that pushing her daughter into this abortion will only end up hurting her daughter and damaging her future. Like so many people, she is mistaken in thinking abortion is a simple procedure which will will just turn back the clock so everything will be exactly as it was before her daughter became pregnant. But that’s a lie. She is already pregnant and so already changed. She is now a mother, too. Abortion won’t change that. It will only turn her into the mother of a dead child rather than a living child. Abortion won’t turn back the clock so her daughter can continue with her education plans undisturbed. The abortion itself, the death of her child, will disrupt her ability to study, learn and grow. Sure, she can go on to get an education, but her life will be forever changed by the abortion. And forcing an abortion may also create a huge wedge in their relationship, too.

      You, your girl friend and her mother, and your unborn baby are all in my prayers.

      Please let me know if this advise ends up helping you.

  49. J says:

    I’ve just turned 20 and had a termination nearly 5 months ago now. Even though I’ve been with my partner for 3 years the timing just wasn’t right. I’m half way through my college degree, my partner was struggling to find work and we were just getting through a really rocky spell in our relationship.

    I’d been feeling nauseous for a few days and only took a test to rule out the possibility. I was shocked when the test came back positive since we had always used protection. I think I made the decision to have a termination way too rashly. I was only 19 years old and my partner only 20, I’d booked my flights for the trip of a lifetime, I was going into my last year of college and my partner was trying hard to establish himself in his career. I was worried that we would be bad parents most of all, that my partner especially wasn’t ready to let go of the life he had without a child.

    My partner didn’t contribute much to the decision, he only said that he would support me no matter what I chose to do. I was only 8 weeks pregnant when I went to the clinic yet I still felt as though I’d formed some sort of connection with the baby, I noticed it most in quiet moments when I was alone. My partner came with me to the clinic and looked after me very well before and after the procedure. For the first few days I felt relieved, as though my life was getting back to normal and we didn’t discuss what had happened.

    However, I began to feel sad and doubtful of the decision a few weeks later. When I spoke to my partner about this he broke down and admitted that he’d seen the baby on the screen at the scan even though I had not. I was so upset for him and upset more so that he’d kept it to himself. I felt as though he must have formed a connection with the baby when he saw it and that in turn made me feel incredibly guilty for going through with the termination.

    Five months later I feel as though the full impact of what has happened has finally hit us both. Many of my friends are pregnant and I can’t help feeling bitter and resentful, wondering how things could have been if I had gone through with the pregnancy. All I can think about is wanting a baby now even though our circumstances haven’t changed and wishing away my life so that it would to come to a point where I am in a position to have a child. My partner is still putting on a brave face but I don’t know how to speak to him about it, whenever I try it seems to be a brief conversation and then he’ll change the subject. I feel as though we need to support each other through this – the few friends I’ve told haven’t been as supportive as I’d hoped and he has kept everything pretty much to himself.

    I want us to be able to confide in each other but I don’t know how to talk to him.

    • EI says:

      Dear J,

      What you describe is so common. From a strictly rationale perspective, the pregnancy occurred at the “wrong” time and threatened to disrupt so many plans it seemed like an obvious choice. But at a heart level, it changes everything. Once the baby exists, even before it is born, your maternal heart is activated and you are a mother. And for your boyfriend, yes, he too became a father. The only question really is whether you were going to be the mother and father of a living child or one who lost to abortion.

      It is also common for many men, like your boyfriend, to swallow their own reservations about the abortion in order to support “the woman’s decision.”

      Trying to talk about between the two of you is also hard since we lack the words and it touches on so many issues and may threaten to open up so many feelings that one or both of you don’t feel safe expressing.

      The good news is that there are post-abortion healing programs for couples which can walk you through and help you both to heal, and to participate in each other’s healing. This can be good for you both individually and as a couple. I’d strongly recommend that you both consider going to a Rachel’s Vineyard weekend together. Even finding a day to go that is six months from now would give you some hope that you are going to work through this together with the help of people who know how to help you.

      While it is clearly an issue you see hanging over your relationship, I am very hopeful that both of you are open enough to looking at this issue, and loving enough to do it together, that given a safe environment and structure program for helping you to work through this, you can and will succeed.

      You are in our prayers.

  50. cs says:

    hi! thanx 4 ur advices and prayers I think God has answered our prayers last night my gf told me her mom called her to say she’s sorry to have put her in pressure for doing abortion…so yeah I am happy and I pray to God to bless us and u also for ur prayers and advices I hope you reach as many people as you can before people make something they will regret 4 the rest of their lives….I am so happy and I hope and for all who have gone through this to find peace in their hearts and know that God answers all prayers and He forgives sins all the time…..BE Blessed and I am blessed Amen!

    • EI says:

      I’m so happy to hear of her mother’s change of heart. I pray God will continue to pour grace down on all of you to reveal his blessings. You remain in my prayers.

  51. Seth says:

    Hi I’m a 36 year old man who recently went through my gf having an abortion which I supported her decision in doing so. I have totally stood by her throughout the process and about 2 weeks after going through with it she left me and moved out. We had no prior love loss toward each other and i’ve been doing everything I can to try and get her to come home as well as support her in her decision to leave and spend time alone. She’s not facing the issues at all however, hasn’t gone to her follow up appointment and I’ve heard that can severely effect a woman’s hormones and make her do things she normally wouldn’t. We’ve been living apart for 2 months now and we’ve gone home apart to see family and come back to where we live to no real progress. Shes finally going to see a therapist tomorrow and says she will make an appointment to see a Dr. for a followup this week. We never fought, argued or had any real problems prior to going through this and I’ve asked her if she ever considered leaving me before going through this and her answer was definitively NO that she loved me with all her heart and could never imagine being without me prior to this. Shes moved in with girls she doesn’t know at all and has been running around partying instead of facing the real issues at hand in her life such as going back to school and wont even talk to me about it without getting angry or upset saying that “we always have hard conversations when we’re together.” I try to make things fun and not discuss them at all with her and have even tried totally cutting off contact with her but she ends up reaching out to me and testing me to see if she can still get my attention. I don’t know what to do since we still sometimes see each other and have sex but when she has an orgasm it really causes her tremendous pain in her stomach and she gets very upset and ill. I know this can happen due to some kind of physical ailment that goes along with the abortion and I only want her to get better and be happy in life. She says she loves me but isn’t in love with me like she used to be. I would love some advice on how to fix our relationship and get her back or just some insight to what someone thinks about what shes going through as a woman. Shes very young 23 years old and normally I would’ve never dated someone so young but I couldnt help falling in love with her after about 6 months of dating even though I tried not too. Shes the greatest woman I’ve ever known and we really were perfect together prior to this happening. The reason for the abortion was that she was violently sick everyday for about a month and a half and had lost over 15 pounds, couldn’t eat or sleep well and spent the whole time on the couch. Now that shes better the love seems to have gone away for her. I guess what I’m asking is since she tells me she needs space and to be alone for a while but isn’t alone at all shes moved in with girls she barely knows and spends all of her time with them not fixing our relationship as shes said time and time again thats what she wants to do. Our attraction toward each other is still there obviously but its definately not the same as it was before for her and I can feel it. Should I give up and move on or should I try to fight for this?

    • EI says:

      It does sound like she’s having fairly typical post-abortion reactions in regard to troubles with her relationship with you. If you truly love her, it’s hard to imagine giving you any encouragement to move on. It would be great to see you work things out. But realistically, things will never get back to as good as they were, or get better (as can and should happen), until you both work through the post-abortion healing process. I’m not sure if she is ready for it yet, and you may need to give her time to be ready for it, but I strongly encourage you to both participate, together, in a post-abortion healing program. Some programs, like the Rachel’s Vineyard weekends, accommodate couples and can help to both heal the past and build toward the future. Please read our page on healing programs and encourage her to consider doing something with you.

  52. amanda says:

    Hello, this is my first time doing something like this… but i’m at the point where I think I need to. I had an abortion on may 27th,2011, so just nearing 3 years ago when I was 19. It was supposed to be due the day before my birthday. I am now 21.

    I’m kind of reaching out for help or advice or something. My boyfriend, well recently ex boyfriend, and I made the decision together but as we were home in two opposite ends of the US I went by myself. I’m in college so I was a freshman then. There are days when i don’t think about it but then others when i think about it randomly and i have bad days where i just break down. We never really talked about it because who wants to just bring something like that up? The other day, though, we had been drinking, got into an argument and all of the anger flowed out. Said we wish it never happened, regretted everything. I said he ruined my life, went I.to great detail about the baby of things that he never entirely knew (in terms of how i was 3 months and what that meant). So much emotion on both parts were spilled out and it was kind of bad. I regret telling him some of the things i did because now i feel more alone than ever. I want to forget it and block it out but there’s just so much with it still that even now i’m holding back tears.

    I feel like something is wrong with me. Actually i’m positive there is. I love him so much but it’s hard for me to love myself because of what i’ve done so long ago. I changed completely afterwards. i push everyone away unintentionally and i really feel like i’m alone even when i have loved ones. The argument reopened a wound and now that he’s gone..won’t answer the phone and rhings.

    i’m an emotional wreck internally.I cant stop thinking about what happened seemingly forever ago. I don’t want this to keep resurfacing and causing problems in our relationship. Or any other aspects of my life. I don’t know what to do.

    • EI says:

      Hi Amanda. If you have not read it yet, please read our page on finding a post-abortion healing program that will work for you. Some of these, like Rachel’s Vineyard, offer programs that are also for men and/or couples. If he is hurting too, it would be great for both of you to seek help either individually or together.

      If you want to open the dialogue with him, even if he won’t answer the phone, consider the very old fashioned, but very meaningful step of writing him a short letter. I suggest keeping it short so you can avoid going into your hurts and pain (saving that for a safer time to discuss these with him again), but instead just acknowledging that you are both hurting and that when people are hurting they often say things that are harsh, unfair, unkind or exaggerated and that you are sorry for the ways you may have hurt him in your conversation and also offering forgiveness for any thing he may have said because he too was speaking from a place of hurt. Maybe you don’t need to say much more than that, other than to express your hope that you can both find healing for each other and yourselves and come to some peace, and then describe to him your interests and thoughts regarding finding a post-abortion healing program . . . offering and encouraging him to consider doing the same thing, either with you or by himself.

      You are both in our prayers. Please drop us a line again when you find some help and feel that you are on the healing path.

  53. Tatiana says:

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost three years now. During this time I had two abortions. During those times I was very confused and not sure what I wanted to do I was in school at the time I also played a sport. He was very concerned as he cried when I told him the first time but he said he was ready he was in school as well (both of us in college) I wanted to have my baby but I wasn’t sure enough to actually keep it. Since then about a year past since my second abortion. I think about it every single day ! I don’t feel comfortable bringing it up to him every time I think of it because it is a lot and plus I don’t want to seem like I’m nagging him.

    My issue now is I want a baby so bad every month I wish my period didn’t come because I want a baby . But at the same time my mind goes back and forth hoping my period does come. We stil have unprotected sex and I haven’t been pregnant again since the last time. I went to the doctor to be sure I can get pregnant she said sure you can and offered me birth control. I asked him would he want me to take birth control since we don’t use condoms and I’ve been pregnant twice and he said no. Could it be he feels the same way I do about wanting a baby? How do I get my mind off of wanting a baby so bad? I’ve always loved babies but before the abortions I’ve never wanted a baby so bad! Me and my boyfriend babysit my baby cousin all the time and we love it! We love treating him like ours. Recently he has said if it happens again (me getting pregnant) honestly I wouldn’t mind at this point. He has graduated and has a great job already. I am only 22 I know I shouldn’t be thinking about this but I can’t help it !
    How do I stop feeling this way? What does it mean ? Is it normal a year after an abortion? Should I tell him how I feel about wanting a baby do bad? I don’t want to scare him away but a part of me thinks he feels the same way .
    Thanks for reading :)

    • EI says:

      Dear Tatiana,

      First things first. Please call one of the hotline numbers on our page with resources and tips for finding a post-abortion healing program. You will be able to then talk to a woman, most likely who has been through a very similar experience, who can listen and understand and support you in ways your boyfriend and doctor can’t.

      It is very important for you to work through the healing process and untangle the web of grief, ambivalence, and guilt surrounding the past abortions which may otherwise come up to haunt your relationship with your boyfriend and also your ability to bond and mother your future children. It would be even better if your boyfriend were to participate in a post-abortion program also. There are separate programs for men or programs that include men and women as couples, such as on a Rachel’s Vineyard weekend. Working through your separate issues, and your issues with the abortions as a couple, together can truly deepen and strengthen your relationship.

      Second, it is very common for women to have intense feelings to become pregnant following an abortion. Very often these feelings become more intense near the anniversary of the conception date of the aborted baby or around what would have been the expected due date. The body/mind has its own internal clock and knows, as these days approach, that something is missing (the baby) and has a desire to fill this void.

      Having a child does help some post-abortion symptoms, but it can also bring out new ones . . . such as intense over protectiveness for the born child, or for some, difficulty bonding with a baby one “doesn’t deserve.” This is why it important to start the post-abortion healing process sooner rather than later. Before you become pregnant, if possible.

      Third, I recommend that the two of you stop putting off committing yourselves to each other and your children. 22 is a great age to start a family. Do it right. Get married. Then, get pregnant. Bring your child into a home with parents who are committed to each other and the raising of children. All the other plans, school and work, are the externals which can be planned and worked out around the central value of a good life . . . which is relationships, specifically a committed relationship with yours spouse and your children.

      You are in my prayers.

  54. Kenny says:

    Hi All,

    My heart hurts reading some stories here- Id like to open and share my story in hopes of some positive clarity for anyone else in this situation and hopefully me.

    Im currently in a relationship and my GF is 10 weeks pregnant (she also has a teen from a previous BF) She stopped taking BC and casually mentioned it to me, while we continued to have unprotected sex- I feel we were irresponsible but it was intentional on her part since its the outcome she always wanted. From the outset of our relationship i expressed my desire and goal for our relationship was to grow old together, while hers has been to bear my child. We do not deal with stress very well and she verbally threatens to leave me after every heated disagreement, while I’ve internalized my agreement to give up on the relationship Im also trying to grow and not give up so easily as Ive done when I was younger. So we’re both with one foot in and other out the door.

    Before my current GF- i was dating with no commitments and had a friend with benefits- she’s an older woman who expressed the desire to have children with me before her time ran out. I disagreed because i wanted to be a father in the conventional sense and have a solid family structure. Since shes older and had surgery for a weight issue she told me it was nearly impossible for her to bear children. Through conversations she found out i had a low tolerance for booze and one day came and brought booze to get drunk and that led to having unprotected sex for the first time. Due to the long distance we rarely saw one another after and so i moved on, but a long time passed by and she finally reached out to tell me she had been raising my child who was now 2 years old and didnt tell me because she knew how i felt- since we had already discussed it. I felt betrayed, used, violated, etc- but after conferring with my Mother and visiting my daughter i came to love her – though i still have resentment towards her mother. This news came two years into my relationship and I havent had the heart to break this news to my GF- who is now pregnant!! We discussed how we feel and I let her speak first to not influence her decision and she voiced not keeping the baby in fear of our unstable relation and being a single mom again . I assured her I would not abandon her or my responsibility but couldnt guarantee staying in a relationship with someone i felt connived me- she doesnt know i already have a daughter. Im so stressed and an emotional mess- I feel i’ve been betrayed all over again and cant trust my GF.I feel this will end our relationship either way cause she’ll resent me no matter which course we take. I told her lets keep this baby but she doesnt feel secure in our future, and honestly neither do i- financially, emotionally. While i wish we could plan and build a proper future for our child, I think of my parents who didnt plan and had me. They struggled to parent me, and i was mostly raised by my grandmother, and I dont want this for my child. First thing my GF wants to do is get back to work and have our child taken care of by someone. While I feel blessed, I rather deal with my guilt for life, than bring a child into our world of struggle (which comes from a mindset of past and present hurt). I can only pray unto GOD for guidance and forgiveness.

    • EI says:

      Dear Kenny,

      Thanks for sharing your story and reaching out for advice. First, let me suggest that you should print out your comment and share it with your girlfriend. Then talk honestly about your fears, and why you didn’t tell her about your other child, and also about your desire to be a good father . . . and how that applies to her child, too.

      Secondly, when she told her she was pregnant and you waited to hear what she had to say “to not influence her decision,” your silence, or more specifically, your failure to rush in and say “I’ll be a good dad. We’ll work it out. Don’t even think about abortion,” immediately influences her decision in that you failed to show a desire for the child and a commitment to working things out.

      Third, while you may think that it would be easier to live with the guilt (for both you and her) than to “bring a child into our world of struggles,” the truth is that most people, despite all their struggles in life, are very glad they were born. And for most, their parents and siblings end up very glad they were born, too. I promise, neither of you will ever regret seeing your child born into this world. There will be struggles and disagreements . . . but the joys and the connection and relationship you will have with this child will more than offset all the downsides.

      I understand and agree that you should not necessarily rush into marriage just because of the pregnancy. But it is a good reason to seriously begin to explore and build toward a marriage if both of you are willing to commit yourselves to it. Love is only superficially about feelings. On a deeper level, it is a decision. If this child can help hold you together and strengthen your decision to love each other and keep coming back to each other as you go through the struggles of life, your child will be a triple blessing upon all of you.

      Please encourage your girlfriend to talk to a pregnancy help center and a post-abortion ministry before she goes to see an abortion counselor. This is an irreversible choice and one which has real psychological and physical risks.

      All three of you are in my prayers.

  55. Gal says:

    Been with the most wonderful man for almost 3 years now. It’s long distance at the moment because after getting our Bachlors we’ve been getting financial things in order before moving in together. Currently I’m late, like really late, but scared to get tested. The idea of having some parasite in my body leaching the life out of me makes me feel like I want to tear my skin off. Pregnancy disgusts me, and I hate my body for it even being possible, it makes me sick to think about. I’m scared to tell him. If he’s happy, it would break my heart, cause I don’t think I can go through with it. If he’s not, I’m not sure I could handle the rejection. If I had a child I know I would hate it , and hate myself, but I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend. It’s not a matter of practical reasons, we’re not fantastic financially but we’re in a place where it wouldn’t be unthinkable to start a family. It’s strictly my issues with pregnancy and childbirth, I can’t describe the level of revulsion it illicits from me, it makes me feel putrid and used like I’m nothing but an incubator for this thing that doesn’t care if I live or die, just that it can live and burst out of me like some slimy alien. And the more likely it seems the more I feel this way. I’m not maternal, but he’s the gentlest man I’ve ever met. He’s so kind an loving. He’s the only guy I’ve ever been with that would make me think twice about an abortion just by being so wonderful. I don’t believe in any sort of god, or divinity, and I don’t believe nature knows best, it can’t seem to stop humans from destroying it or themselves so I don’t really have any faith in its track record or wisdom.

    • EI says:

      I’m sorry to hear that this wonderful man’s love for you has, up to now, failed to inspire any latent maternal instincts.

      If you really love this guy, that is the most important issue that may help you overcome your revulsion. Indeed, I suspect he is the only “medicine” that can cure you of this revulsion to new life once you being to realize, appreciate, and love the fact that this new life is part of him…part of this wonderful man you love…part of the way you and he will both see your love expressed in new ways and also learn to love each other in ways you never would have imagined without this child to join and bond you together. In years to come, what you see of him in your child may be your greatest joy in your life.

      On a metaphysical level, an overflowing of love that leads to that love creating something new and also worthy of love is what having a child is all about.

      While I know you don’t believe in God or anything, this idea that overflowing love needs a way to create new avenues of love is not only why believers believe that God created humans to love and be loved and to witness God’s love and creativity, but also is the reason that Christians can hope to understand the mystery of the Trinity, one God who is also a relationship of three Persons, metaphorically explained to us as a Father who eternally begets His Son, and the Father and Son loving each other so intensely that that love is itself personified as the Holy Spirit. And being made in the “image and likeness of God,” human beings are designed for relationships and the love of man and woman is intended to overflow into the creation of a new person/new relationship/new love all of which are intended to enrich our own lives, help us to understand the value of relationships, and in some way better understand God and the Holy Trinity of love.

      I doubt these religious metaphors are of much help. In fact, given your intense hostility to procreation–which is clearly unusual and perhaps deeply rooted in some trauma or psychological issues which have undermined or reversed the maternal instincts normally found in women–it may be helpful to speak to a psychiatrist or psychologist to try to understand why you feel such revulsion. Perhaps they wouldn’t be of much help…they would probably blame it on some hostilities toward your own mother or father, I suspect. But it may be helpful to talk to a professional. Your hostility toward pregnancy is not normal, even from a purely biological, evolutionary perspective which is design psyches to desire reproduction.

      Instead of seeing this pregnancy as a crisis and parasite, consider the possibility that it is an unexpected gift that will . . . while forcing you outside of your comfort zone . . . may turn into the greatest adventure and growth experience of your lives, one you will never regret and will be thankful that you found the courage to accept.

  56. k says:

    Badly need help here , i read all the stories and get touch too. anyway , me and my gf just had an abortion a week ago, before that we are so so much in love with each other , we spent most of the time each other and travels everywhere. Till now cant imagine that this is happening.
    after we decide to abort we thought a lot and she understand why the needed for termination, and she will not because of this issue will leave me and she even told my sister that she will be very grateful to continue our both relationship after termination. Anyway, on the termination day, i sent her home after that and she didnt even wanted to contact me either or answering my call or reply my text. i was so upset and thought that she wanted to be alone for a while. Eventually, the next day she called me up and said wanted to end the relationship and ask me dont even find her anymore. at that moment my mind was totally blank and my heart was totally broken into pieces and i can even feel the fire burning in it.. i was so so upset and keep asking her to meet me to have a face to face talk. and what she reply is Not the right time yet.
    I understand that she is suffering depression on emotionally and physically. But i still wanted to take care of her and even wanted to care about her and worry her. for the past few days she didnt even bother to reply me at all. and will just ignore the call when i called her. Everyday i wrote a greeting card, saying i love her and why wanted to be suffering together and we were so in love. We have to overcome it together instead of herself as i am hurt too and she is not alone. I tell her that give me a chance to make things right to show her the path of our future.. everyday i wrote a greeting card and sneak to her apartment and leave the letter there. Sounds silly and stupid, even i created a website on my own. the domain name is me n her name, inside i post a lot of pictures and wrote a lot of nice sweet memories that we used to past together , i even post my current feeling ( endless Pain ) on the website to express what my heart feel and what truly i gonna tell her about the grief.I realized that she had gone in to the webpage almost everyday to read the blog and see the pictures. I did everything i can even i buy some healthy vitamins and boiled some soup and sneak to her apartment and hang on the door . until today now had been a week and i still continue to do so . but she seems like so cool to me and just ignore me. i really did a lot of meaningful stuff try to make her touch and happy and make her come back to me. I duno why it could be totally change in just a day , she was so understanding before the termination and promised will get along with me as she loved me so much, but after the progress it was totally unexpected. i am very upset , past few days i admitted into hospital as i fell from building due the stuck on wires, and i texted her let her know but she didnt even care and felt so cold to me. my heart …. until now i can feel the burning.. Ya of course i wan her back, she is the most perfect girl i ever met in my life , she is my angel , and i am so stupid to make her walk out from my heart. To me she is my lifetime partner, and i told her. no matter how, she is still in my heart. although even she ignore me, i just non stop to do stuff that hope to make her touch and come back to me even i queue for 12 hours to buy a nice shop lots for her to have her own business after our married as the shop house is just nearby my future plan married house with her that will be ready in next 2 years. i did everything i could but nothing seem to come back positive.
    I pray to god every moment to let my this angel to get back to me and i will show her our future pathway. and in return in the future i will help more people that need help and do more charity and will always go church and listen to god, i prayed these every moment.
    I read all of the forum, i really need some advise and help. whether what should i do now. i really love her so much, but she is not ready to meet me and said she wanted to stop the relationship with me. In my country here i had checked it didnt have the healing class for me to attend. i really duno what can i do now , i am so lost, i lost my soul too. All i want now is get her back. can someone, just anyone help me with it. So sorry if you guys think that this sounds funny but truly is because i love her thats why i tried all things to get her back .. but at the moment now conclusion is failed. did i need continue doing all those by writing her card everyday too and post something on the blog on what i felt.
    I hope you everyone who read this can pray for me and will bless me, as i really wish her to come back to me.
    Thank you.

    • EI says:

      Dear K,

      It may not be possible to save your relationship. Certainly, just begging her to come back is not enough. Buying her stuff will not help. The only hope is apologizing to her for encouraging the abortion and truly feeling regret and remorse for the death of your child.

      This idea you keep coming back to that she understood the “need for the termination” and was agreed to continuing the relationship (before the abortion actually took place) totally misses the boat. Before the abortion, it might have made logical sense in her head that it was somehow the best decision and that she would and could still love you. After the abortion, logic means nothing. In her heart, she feels she has killed her own baby…and your baby…at your request.

      This is a profound, earth shattering . . . no, a soul-shattering realization. And your pursuit of her, and efforts to put things back to “normal” ignore the fact that overwhelming fact that you are now both parents of a dead child . . . one she is trying to grieve. Meanwhile, instead of seeing you as joining in the grief, dismay, and regret for having made this terrible mistake, she sees you as simply focused on winning her approval for yourself

      If there is any chance for the two of you, it will come only after you are less concerned with the two of you and more concerned with repentance and grief for the loss of your child. It is the latter that her heart is focused upon. As long as your heart is focused on the former, not the latter, your hearts are simply not in sync.

      Stop pressing her to get back together. Instead, find a way to express your regret and sorrow and desire to share her grief rather than demand her love.

      • k says:

        Dear EI,
        I really and being touched for your reply and helped. I keep refresh this webpage awaiting for your reply. Your comment really means a lot to me. I appreciated it a lot.

        Ok. These two days, i had stop pressing her to come back to me. I tried to talk to her but she ignore, she dun even wanted to meet me at all or replying my text. All i can do is post on the webpage that i created and wrote there saying that i am regret and i am heartbroken too. I wanted to see her so much and take care of her . but environment disagree, i even explained to her how upset am i and hope i can turn back time and wanted to share with her what i had been doing all this researches for healing this progress but she ignore and say no, i did offer too to go together abroad to new zealand to attend the rachael vineyard courses for healing. Sorry if wrong spelling.
        we are totally lack of communications right now, i am so lost. how long will she gonna be depressed and calm down? i am so sad for seeing her like this, it is like she is hurting herself. Although she keep ask me not to care her, i still care as i said is because of love i care you . and i hope we could bound together and grief and we shall take together and not just you.We need to be together to overcome this losses and tragedy . As grieving together is healing.
        i am desperately need advise. I really cant do much now, what can i do is wait for her to calm down? but i am worried about she will be leaving as she will be thinking a lots especially from people around her will effect her emotions and thinking.
        I am really lost.. I pray every moment to god to help me out.
        Thanks again EI for your reply.

        • EI says:

          There is no magic fix. There may be no fix. It may be weeks, months, even years before she can even bear to see you. In seeing or talking to you, she is reminded of the loss of her child. This is very hard on her. Even the healing process, and the idea of going to a Rachel’s Vineyard healing program, is hard for her to contemplate. All you can do is pray and seek forgiveness from God for your part in what has happened to your child and her.

  57. r says:

    dear EL,

    i am 37. i had an abortion on jan 2013. its my first pregnancy ever with my bf who i love dearly – he is younger tho, 30. i never have kids nor marry. we both artist and at times we think we should focus on our career and this is the right decision. after the surgery, my family not only ‘not-supportive’ but also kicked us out from our place accusing we are the murders which take months for us to recover. we live both hk and paris. i had the surgery done in hk. and every time i come back hong kong will bring back this post abortion depression.

    towards the 2013 christmas my emotions are totally breaking down due to a year ago we known of the pregnancy and i separated with my bf for almost 2 months. in between i tried to open up myself and meeting a lots of new people – still i feel broken. then we see each other again before the one year anniversary abortion we went to the cemetery in paris to let go the grief – that day was peaceful.
    and we get back together becos i love him so much as i know he love me dearly as well.

    since end jan – i back hk by myself to attend my sis wedding who also 4 months pregnancy.
    but the last few weeks i am falling back into a deep dark thoughts – i didnt want to see anyone or talk to anyone and lying on bed all day n night.
    i feel i did something so wrong – it would be my only chance to get pregnancy and i killed it – its very hurtful becos that virtual babe is the one i am having with the man who i love very much. i didnt keep the babe becos i grow up with single parent and i dont want to replay the history again. its more than a year now and every time i am apart from my bf i feel so weak – mentally and physically. very often i fall into very low motivation or no motivation towards my works and projects. i usually not a baby person yet the denial make things even worst. abortion did hit me a big times – i read many other people’s stories i know i am not the only one i also know there is no magic fix – sometimes it heal sometimes never.
    but i dearly love my bf – how can i drag myself up the water..?

    looking forward to hear from you and thankyou so much for your time
    greetings,
    r

    • EI says:

      You need to find more support and guidance through your post-abortion healing process. Please read our page on post-abortion healing programs. If you cannot find a program, you may benefit from reading a book about post-abortion healing such as Forbidden Grief. It will help you to better understand your feelings and experiences as you see how other women are also affected. You might even try reaching out to some other women who may be experiencing grief like yourself to start your own little peer support group. Working together, you may be able to find resources and training to help each other better. At the very least, you will have other women with whom you can share your feelings and troubles in a supportive environment.

      You are right. There is no magic fix. But there is every reason to have confidence that you can use this experience to learn, grow, and heal. Don’t give up hope. Use your grief to motivate you to find other women like yourself who have healed and are trained in how to help others, and maybe one day you can do the same for other women and men.

  58. Cathy says:

    I would love some advice as I feel stuck as to what the right thing to do is. I reciently meet a guy and things have been going great. He makes me really happy. Just last week I found out I am pregnant to a friend of mine. I am going to have an abortion as I can’t continue with the pregnancy due to medical complications … It’s a long story. I feel so numb and extremely sad but am getting support from lots of friends and family. My question is tho … Do I tell the new guy I am seeing? We meet online and have done coffee and dinners a few times and talked over text but we both really like one another and I feel that we will one day end up in a relationship together. My thoughts are – one if I tell him and he freaks out he will most likely never contact me again or two I don’t tell him and we do end up in a relationship then technically I have “hidden” something from him.
    We haven’t been intimate together in anyway other than kissing and have only been “seeing” one another for two months.

    Now the worst part – I actually “meet” him online and after our first date I then slept with my friend. This sounds horrible and that’s because it is but I have been sleeping with this friend of mine on and off for years and he came to my house drunk and to eliminate an argument I went along with it. But that was weeks ago and I didn’t then have the feelings or real connection that I do with the new guy I have been seeing.

    Please help I am hating on myself for so many reason as is and I have no idea what to do….

    • EI says:

      First, while I realize that at first glance it makes sense to have an abortion because you never wanted a child with your friend, it is very important to look at your own unique risk factors for being at greater risk of one or more physical or psychological complications from having an abortion.

      Please read “Identifying High Risk Abortion Patients” or “Abortion decisions and the duty to screen: clinical, ethical, and legal implications of predictive risk factors of post-abortion maladjustment“ for a more complete list of risk factors, including citations to the studies identifying each risk factor.

      You should also read our page summarizing studies related to the psychological and physical risks of abortion.

      Regarding talking to your new boyfriend, yes, you need to be honest with him now, before you have an abortion. That will give him an opportunity to be honest with you, in return. Otherwise keeping this secret will always eat at you and create doubts in you about your relationship and him.

      I really don’t think he will consider the fact that you had exchanged some emails on line to have meant that you were thereby “his” and obligated to wait for him. It is a bigger issue whether or not he can be understanding and supportive, and circumstances have given you the first test of this. Perhaps he will pass it with flying colors. If not, the relationship is doomed anyway because it will either be poisoned by your secret or by its belated disclosure.

      Talk to him. And share with him your concern about any risk factors you identify when you evaluate yourself in comparison to the list of risk factors.

  59. Zion says:

    About a year and a half ago, my girlfriend told me that she was pregnant. I had a part time job and was a full time student. She told me that she wanted to have an abortion the same day she found out she was pregnant. I pleaded with her and begged her not to do it. I would have went and got another job or maybe two if that means that we can keep the baby. She did it anyways. She asked me if I could go with her while the abortion gets done. I said no. I could not go through that. It would have broken me as a person to go through that. Ever since then we have been at each throats. When we fight she says the same thing, “Where were you when I needed you the most?”(referring to me not being there when the abortion happened) I agree with this article on the part where it says people stay with each other due to the grief. But it has been hard. I love this girl so much. I wanted our baby so much. I would have been a good father and i would have never left them. Sometimes i find myself crying about it when i see a father with his child playing and being happy. I read other people saying that, “its the woman’s body and its her choice” or “Men do not have to go through the pain of the abortion” I feel its not fair. It is the man’s baby just as much as it is the woman’s. I did not have the most money in the world and neither did she. Everybody struggles. And i still feel to this day that we would have been fine. She told me that she wanted to give the baby a better life that we had. I told her with me and her in the baby’s life at the same time, our baby would already have a better start than we did. Our fathers were not in the picture.

    • EI says:

      Dear Zion,

      My heart goes out to you and your girlfriend. I understand it is very hard for both of you.

      Perhaps you can share with her a copy of what you have written to us. Maybe she already understands how you feel. But maybe she doesn’t…or at least has been afraid to.

      She imagines that if you had supported the abortion life would be better . . . and perhaps, if she is facing doubts and grief issues herself, that if you had been in favor of the abortion she wouldn’t have any of the negative feelings about it. She’s wrong, as all the testimonies of women here and elsewhere show.

      I understand how the defensive part in her blames you and says “Where were you when I needed you most?” On the other hand, she’s blind to the other side of that question: where was she when you and your baby needed her most? She feels you didn’t stand up for and with her. You feel the same way, even more so, in that she not only failed to support your desire to be a father but also to welcome your (yours and hers) child into the world.

      Pointing fingers at each other won’t help. Nor will blaming yourselves. You need to acknowledge each others hurts, be empathetic to each other’s hurts, doubts and confusion, and focus on helping each other to heal and become the best versions of yourselves that you can be.

      If she will consider it, I strongly recommend you participate as a couple in a post-abortion healing program. Such programs are offered by several post-abortion healing groups, one of which is Rachel’s Vineyard. Even if she continues to believe she made the best practical choice given the circumstances, she can at least learn to understand why it was so hard on you and why blaming you for not supporting the abortion is not only unfair but unloving and disrespectful. You are who you are. If she loves you for who you are, part of that love is because you are a sensitive, loving man who would be a good father and wanted to be a good father. Being mad at you for standing up for who you are and what you believe when you refused to approve of and watch the abortion of your child is unfair. On the other hand, I understand this tendency in her, because it points to her own doubts, fears, and hurts that day and afterward. And as I said above, in some respect blaming you is an excuse she holds to, imagining that if you had been all in favor of the abortion she and you would both be happy as larks today. It’s a comforting fantasy, but it just isn’t true.

      I pray she will agree to work through a post-abortion healing program, at least for your sake and for the benefit of your relationship, and will also discover it will be good for herself as well.

      • Zion says:

        Thank you for your reply El.
        yesterday me and my girlfriend ended our relationship. Before I left I asked her, “Do you think me and you would have been happier if I just supported you decision and if I was there for you when the abortion happened?” she replied “Yes.” I feel that its not fair for someone i loved so much can be so selfish about the baby that still to this day i miss and love so much. You were right. If i would have supported her maybe things would have worked out. But i’m not changing my beliefs or how I feel over a happy relationship.

        Thank you for this article.
        It helped out a lot.

        • EI says:

          I’m sorry for all the losses you have faced. But I’m also confident that things will get better and you will find a good woman who will love you and appreciate your love.

          I don’t for a minute believe that if you had supported the abortion (i.e.; suppressed and denied your own beliefs and feelings to parrot hers) that things would have truly been better. They may have been better for awhile, but it would still have destroyed your relationship in other ways.

          Both of your remain in my prayers.

  60. Janine says:

    My boyfriend and I were together for about a year and a half when I found out I was pregnant. He has always been a wonderful boyfriend to me but I have a tendency to lash out and say things I don’t mean and it had taken a toll on our relationship. This news couldn’t have come at a worse time.

    I have always been pro-life but the minute I found out, I started bawling. I have never really wanted children, which makes me sound heartless but I always had big plans for my life and raising a child was scary to me, especially in this world.

    I was so terrified and when I told him he said he would drop out of school and get a job to support us. But instantly I said that I would take care of it. I couldn’t even believe I was saying that but it’s the first thing that came to mind. Later that week I was having doubts and we got into a big argument and he said he wasn’t ready to be a father yet and that he wanted to be able to enjoy his youth more and finish school. I got angry at him and called him selfish and all sorts of things. The next day we got in another argument about a can of corn (I kid you not). We were on the way to a friends bbq and I freaked out and told him to take me home and that I wanted to break up and went single on Facebook and everything.

    When I called him a million times to come back to get me he said no. He said he was tired of the way I talked to him and that I wanted to breakup so that’s what I was getting. I was devastated. I didn’t know what to do. I called my mom and went to my parents for the night. The fight continued and he didn’t want to speak to me or see me. I was so caught up in our break up that I don’t think I was in the right state of mind to make a rational decision. I went through with the procedure. He offered to take me and take care of me afterward but I was so angry at him.

    We were broken up for about three weeks. I gave up trying to talk to him and tried to move on. He contacted me regularly but I stopped replying. Then he told me he wanted to talk and get back together. We eventually did but it was not an easy process. I felt like a stranger in the home I’d lived in. I felt like I didn’t know him. Eventually we got back to normal and I moved back in and went back to school.

    It has been almost two years since the incident and I still blame him. I am relieved I don’t have a child but I am so angry at myself for what I did. I feel like a terrible person. Every pregnant person reminds me. Every baby reminds me. If I hear anything about an abortion I cringe and want to cry. Even typing the word makes me feel like an awful person. I feel like it’s a huge stain on my life and I’d be lying if I said I don’t blame him for it. I did not feel he was as supportive as he could have been even though we were broken up.

    We are normally fine but I get random times when I think about it and become so deeply depressed and lash out at him. I don’t think I will ever get over it. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for not openly welcoming the idea of a child even though I myself didn’t. Sometimes I just want a fresh start but he is good to me. I’ve never worried about him cheating on me, he buys me all kinds of things, brings me home flowers, takes me on dates. How do I know what to do?

    • EI says:

      This will remain a big issue between you, at least in a “secret” subconscious way, until you both confront and work through it.

      I strongly believe that both of you would benefit from participating in a post-abortion healing program either as a couple or separately.

      While I understand your feelings of anger toward him, and your 20-20 hindsight wish that he had somehow been supportive in exactly the way you would have needed him to be in order to not have had the abortion . . . it sounds like he initially was willing to do whatever it took to make it possible to have the child, including getting a job. The truth was that it was a hard time for both of you and hard for both of you to communicate without being at risk of being misunderstood or exaggerating or just letting your feelings run ahead of the reasonable parts of your minds.

      It also sounds like you need couple’s counseling. You admit that you have “a tendency to lash out and say things I don’t mean and it had taken a toll on our relationship.” You both need to work through that, especially when you have something like this abortion hurt inside you which can fuel your anger and toxic language in ways you won’t even notice or understand at the time these outbursts take place.

      Don’t let this simmer between you. If your relationship is to heal and grow into all that it can become, now is a good time to open up this wound, remove the pus and dead tissue, and get both of you moving forward.

      You are both in my prayers. I have great hope for you that you can both heal and learn from your pasts so that you will be better and wiser people and parents in the future.

  61. mandy says:

    Hi there, I need a little help, me and my bf of about 2 years found out we were expecting about 4 weeks ago. We are two days from our appointment for an abortion, and im spazzing. I was fine with this when we first found out cuz I know we don’t have the means to raise a child, but I am so lost and stressed, I already hate myself, and worry my bf and I will hate each other, I can’t lose our child and him, how do couples get over this, how can we survive this? I wish they didn’t make me wait so long for our appt, I feel to connected, and its driving me insane.

    • EI says:

      These second thoughts and the ambivalence you are feeling are a warning sign. This is one of the risk factors for having more emotional and relationship problems after an abortion compared to women who do not experience these doubts and stress prior to an abortion.

      There are likely other risk factors present. Please read our page about the risk factors for abortion complications.

      I’d also suggest reading some testimonies of other women who chose abortion for similar reasons and our posts on the impact of abortion on relationships.

      Please don’t give up hope. Many women regret having an abortion. Almost none regret having their child. Indeed, those who changed their minds are so thankful that they did.

      Be grateful for the way your subconscious is creating the stress which is warning you away from this terrible mistake. I promise, you won’t regret choosing life . . . for despite the extra effort it will require, you children will be the greatest blessings of your life. Don’t reject this blessing. Embrace it!

  62. Linda says:

    I am 38 years old, in March of 2013 I had. Just gotten engaged. An two weeks later I found out I was pregnant . From the start of my relationship with my now husband he had stated that he don’t not want any more children. Unless he ended up marrying a woman that had none. The night I realized I was pregnant, I told him. All the signs were there, I was overly tired, I had no energy to even go our an hang out with his friends. He pushed me to go , so we went. That night after leaving his friends, he wanted to stop at the stir to get the tests for me to take to be sure. I took them and all of them had the same result. I was pregnant. We went to bed, both in shock, I was happy about it because I was told I would not be able to have any more kids. He was not happy. The next morning, he left without a word to me. He went to go work out and gather his thoughts. He came back an sat me down to talk to me. The first words out of his mouth were “if you have the baby I will never lover you the same”, the second thing he said was “my kids will hate me and never talk to me again”, then he satiated we don’t have the money for another child, and that with my last two children I was sick all the time and we shouldn’t risk my health.

    I was in utter turmoil. I loved his so very much and I wanted a baby that god had blessed us with, I wanted to have a baby that was part of me, and part of him to raise and care for, to love an watch grow up. In stead I did the unthinkable. I didn’t want him to not love me the same, I didn’t want his kids to hate him. So I crushed under pressure an had an abortion. I can still see the pills in the small paper cup, I can still feel and hear the sigh of relief when I finally swallowed those pills. I know I was the one who drank the water, and I was the one who put the pills in my mouth. I take full responsibility for my actions. Five days after the abortion, my husband went to his Dr. And got snipped… Then proceeded to let everyone on Facebook know about it.

    I still love my husband very much, but at the same time I hate him for all it’s worth. I have my moments when I have a hard time an I cry silently (he works nights) so he doesn’t see me. However this weekend was one of the times he got to see the full effect of what I felt. I spent most of my Sunday in bed away from anyone else and would just cry. He pushed and pushed for me to talk to him and tell him what was wrong, and when I did….. He plainly stated that he feels the same way now, as he did back then. I love him, I always have. I want my marriage to be solid, but I don’t know how to “fix” the issue. I’ve tried explaining how much my heart aches from the decision I made, how every time I see a pregnant woman it takes my breath away an I have a deep pain in my tummy, how every time I see a baby I just want to hold it and cry … The only thing he tells me is ” you need to talk to someone”.

  63. Psalm says:

    I’m 24 my gf for 4 years is 23. We’ve had 2 abortions. After the first we both swore never to do it again but it happened and knowing where we both come from l thought the best thing to do was to abort again…after the first things were kinda back to normal and if there were any changes, I didn’t notice. She really wanted to keep the 2nd though…I convinced her otherwise, for me it was simply facing facts. I never did any research on abortion, I was more of a “think of what’s best for you and for the child’s future” kinda guy.

    She had the 2nd almost a year after the first, and it totally devastated her. I’ve always loved her and there’s no other person I even consider sharing my life with but since then our relationship has been on a downward slope. She never says it but she acts like she hates me, she’s extremely unhappy, she’s talked about suicide a few times but I only began to see how serious this could be after reading this. She was at my place yesterday and I had never felt more disconnected from her like I did yesterday…I could tell the feeling was mutual.

    I feel our relationship is headed for the rocks and I desperately want to avoid that…I love her with all my heart and don’t want to lose her, but she’s hurting and I can’t fix it…I have assured her that everything would be fine but she doesn’t believe they will. Many of the examples written here illustrate the feeling I think she has. Bottom line is I don’t want to lose her it would kill me. But thinking about it, it feels like this is my own punishment for what happened…….

    • EI says:

      I am sorry for all the two of you are going through. I’m also very glad to hear of you love for her and your desire to fix things and your openness to admitting it was a mistake to encourage the abortion.

      Have you told her that, yet? Gently, and very apologetically, you need to bring the abortion issue back into the open to share your regrets and your fears about what it is doing to her. She may react just with tears . . . or with intense anger. If the latter, admit that you deserve her anger but still pray she will someday somehow forgive you.

      Tell her you are willing to go through post-abortion counseling with her, so you can work through your own loss and regrets at the same time as she works through hers.

      Do not let it come across as if the loss is only hers. You may have rationally distanced yourself from the children you lost in the abortions, but that is a loss she will need to see you begin to open up to and acknowledge if she is going to trust that you are working through the same losses and grief that she is experiencing.

      There are many good post-abortion healing programs out there. Some, such as Rachel’s Vineyard, accommodate couples. Others are specifically for men or women.

      Your right when you say “she’s hurting and I can’t fix it.” But you can shift your posture and open the door for healing and invite her to go through it, promising your support and also admitting that you need healing to, and want her support also.

      I truly think you can complete that journey together, especially if you are humble enough to admit fault in not having researched all of this before this tragedy, and even more importantly, for not having trusted her instincts when she said she didn’t want to go through another abortion. I fully understand that the the logic of your head, regarding finances, timing, et cetera, having either of the children “didn’t make sense.” But the logic of the head is different from the experiences of the heart. While you both escaped sleepless nights and changing of diapers, you also lost the opportunity to grow your relationship with each other and your children.

      Be humble. Embrace the sorrow and regrets which mark the path to repentance, renewal, healing and maturing in your love for each other and your embrace of life and any new lives, God willing, that you may still bring into the world in the future.

      You are in my prayers.

      http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/

  64. mandy says:

    I just found out last week that I am 9 weeks pregnant with my second child. My first is only 2,4 and I am doing my final year. when I first suspected that I was pregnant, my bf was willing to support me in having an abortion because we both recognised how emotionally and financially unstable we are. But after I found out and confirmed that I was indeed 9 weeks along he became adamant to abort. He has a plan for everything. Says he will ho home and propose marriage but I can’t help it but think of the trauma that I went through with my first child. I can’t bare the thought of being a single mum to two different kids at 23. I doubt the plans will work or DAT he will marry me. My situation at home is devastating and I think my family might disown me after this child. Some of them know and have counselled me into having this child though I know that none of them will be bothered to carry it when it cries.

    I love my bf and I thought he was my soulmate but I can’t say the same after this. He is being totally stubborn and refuses to regard any of my reasons for wanting to abort as a being valid. He also has a child who stays at home with his mum. He is working but some months we have struggled to get by.

    I don’t think I’m ready for a child or marriage yet but what if this is what God has planned for me? but sometimes I think we can start over and my abortion is my way of starting over.

    I’m scheduled to go and do the abortion next week and I keep postponing it. I think I’m either looking for my bf’s permission or waiting until its too late. I’m afraid of the after effects of an abortion but I have seen people do it and get along fine thereafter.

    I actually resent my bf right now for not giving me support. He tells me to just embrace the pregnancy only because he’s a man and has no idea what its like to be pregnant. I have a history of depression and right now I think I’m going through it and I feel it will only get worse if I decide to keep this child. I’m at the lowest point in my life and have broken up with my bf. it hurts so much. I have so many doubts and questions.

    • EI says:

      Dear Mandy,

      I certainly understand why you and others may think that having an abortion will make your life easier. But it won’t.

      Given the risk factors you have already described in just your short email, if you have an abortion you are at higher risk for having severe psychological effects, including impacted grief, that may haunt you for the rest of your life.

      Please read about the risk factors for more severe post-abortion reactions here. Then read our summaries of research regarding psychological complications and the physical complications associated with abortion.

      Talk to a pregnancy help center to get some advice and support. You might also talk with a post-abortion ministry if you want to speak to someone who was in your shoes ten years or more ago and who chose to have an abortion.

      Please have courage. As you indicated, you already know that if you give birth to your child you will love him or her unconditionally. The truth is, you have already begun to do so. The lie is, if you have an abortion, you will be able to forget about this child you have already begun to love.

      The next year won’t be easy. But I promise you, twenty years from now you will have no doubts that the sacrifices you make today for the child in your womb were the wisest way to invest your time, love and energy.

      Many women regret having their abortions. Few ever regret having their children.

      Hold onto that truth. Be brave. Be noble. Set the example you want your children to admire.

      Don’t hesitate to contact us if we can be of any more help. Phone: 217-525-8202.

  65. A Black Man says:

    My fiance just found out she was pregnant this weekend.

    Saturday evening we took the test which said she was 3+ weeks pregnant and after an emergency booking we had our first appointment at the abortion clinic today where they confirmed she was almost 5 weeks. However, the fetus is too small to be seen on the ultrasound so they’d like us to return in a weeks time once it has developed more.

    For me, this weekend has been an emotional roller coaster that has ended with me feeling a deep sense of depression.

    I want nothing more than to be a father. Especially with the woman of my dreams, however her immediate thought was we need to get rid of it and although It took a while for me to process the information, I feel crushed. I feel as though I should be celebrating, jumping with joy, but she’s taken that away from me. Yes it’s inconvenient, and yes its completely ruined our wedding plans but surely our child deserves a chance at life? What if it’s our only chance to have children?

    Up until now she had been getting increasingly broody and we’d decided we’d try for children some time next year. The idea of becoming parents had us grinning from ear to ear just a few short weeks ago. We both have very good jobs in the city and between us earn close to 100k per year.

    I proposed approximately 4 months ago and in that time, all the talk has been about preparing for our wedding next year (deposit for the venue has already been paid for). We moved in together shortly after I proposed and things have been absolutely amazing.

    All that said, you’d expect she’d be over the moon to be pregnant but apparently not. It’s one year too early for her. One of her many reasons is she’s just started a new job and is worried she won’t qualify for maternity leave. This would mean I’d have to support us all on my wage alone, which would be a struggle (though far from insurmountable in my opinion).

    However, the one major issue in our relationship from the start, and the main reason for her objections is her family. Shes Indian, I am black and her family are simply racist to be frank. There’s no other word for it. There were a lot of tears and drama when they found out she’d had a black boyfriend for 2 years (I was only introduced as her fiance), they absolutely hit the roof. Their standing in the Indian community is evidently far more important that their daughter’s happiness. Up until now her brother still refuses to talk to her. Part of the reason she bought a house was so that they could not kick her out onto the street once they found out about me.

    Her parents’ initial reaction upon finding out about me wasn’t as bad as she thought it would be (they are still talking to her, though they are extremely frosty). But ever since then I feel as though she is desperately trying to win back their love by doing everything by the book. i.e. Marriage then children in the hope that they may eventually approve of me and be able to hold their heads up high in the community.

    It was bad enough that she’d moved out with a black man before marriage and she’s terrified our kids wont be accepted if they are conceived out of wedlock. She sees it as yet another blot of her and her families reputation. Somehow she believes that us being married will solve everything.

    I was absolutely furious on hearing this and I spoke my mind on the situation but she seems determined to go through with the abortion, promising me that we can have kids once we’re married and the timing is better. She insists its a cultural thing and I’ll never understand.

    We had a massive argument today and she absolutely broke down, shaking like a leaf. We spoke about all her reasons (there are a few others, for example the fact the she lacks folic acid, meaning the child may be deformed) and I’ve reluctantly agreed to the termination.

    But I just can’t fight this deep sadness I feel in the pit of my stomach. I can’t even sleep right now, hence the reason i am writing this post.

    I just get the feeling we will be making a huge mistake, simply out of her fear of rejection from her entire family. She is already way too attached. She tells me that she ‘talks’ to the baby every morning and has even given her a name (‘Mya’). She is quite an emotional and innocent women at the best of times but for some reason she has a steely resolve on this issue. If I’m honest she’s actually come across rather heartless and cold in her determination to rid herself of this baby. It’s a side I’ve never seen of her and one i really don’t like.

    But at the same time I know full well she is not truly considering the impact of what she is about to do next week. I have a feeling one reality hits she will be crushed and revert back to the emotional, innocent woman I know she is. But by that point it may be too late and irreversible damage may have been done to our relationship.

    Do you think our relationship can survive if she goes ahead with this? Shall i try harder to convince her its a bad decision? Or do I respect her wishes as I’ve already agreed to, and just pray we can go back to being the happy love-struck couple we have been for the last 2 years?

    • EI says:

      I am very sorry for the situation you are in.

      From what you have said, I think the “I don’t want to disappoint my parents (again)” is probably the biggest reason why she is so determined that abortion is what she “has to do.”

      Sadly, given other things you have also said, like the fact that she has given the baby a name, I am highly confident that the abortion will crush her . . . and perhaps both of you. She may be able to bury her feelings for a time, but if and when you have another child, it will all come tumbling back down on her and haunt her (and you) and will really be a burden on the both of you for years. That’s not to say there is not the possibility of healing. There are many great post-abortion healing programs. But it is far better to avoid it than to try to heal with it later…because even with healing there are always scars.

      Ask her to read about the risk factors for more severe post-abortion reactions here along with you so you can discuss it in terms of your concern for how this will hurt her and you obligation to protect her from hurting herself (much less your child) just in the hope of making her parents happy (or at actually, just less displeased).

      Then read our summaries of research regarding psychological complications and the physical complications associated with abortion.

      Remind her that you are only pressing the issue because you are convinced it will be a choice she will regret and one that will damage your future happiness together.

      Clearly, it is not easy. But abortion does not turn back the clock and allow things to go on they way they would have as if you had never been pregnant. Instead, it permanently changes how you will see yourselves as persons and as parents and as lovers. Choosing life will reinforce your commitment to each other, your sense of honor and bravery and integrity. Choosing abortion will create doubts in you about yourselves, each other, your worthiness as parents, et cetera.

      Many regret their abortions. Few regret giving birth to their children. (The folic acid deficit issue is a weak excuse. Women have given birth to healthy babies for centuries without folic acid supplements, and it is also plenty early to start taking them.)

      Let’s accept as a likelihood that her parents will be upset to hear she is giving birth to a half black baby before she is even married. But they have already begun to accept that would happen anyway, a year or two from now.

      Worse case scenario . . . they use this as a pretext to “disown her” but within a couple years, all will be forgiven and they will be madly in love with their grandchild. Grandchildren have that effect on grandparents. In they end, they will be glad that you and their daughter were both willing to face their disappointment and persisted in preserving their grandchild’s life instead of taking it.

      Abortion, at best, offers a short term solution to short term problems at the expense of long term problems that won’t “naturally” go away. The upset that this surprise pregnancy may cause her family is small and temporary compared to the deep grief and pain abortion can cause to each of you and to your marriage and future happiness.

      You are in my prayers. Do not hesitate to call us if we can be of any further help.

      If despite everything you try (which should include a refusal to participate in the abortion by going with her), you should make clear that you still love her and will do all you can to help her find healing afterwards, including participating with her in a post-abortion healing program.

      But you should make clear how seriously you oppose this by refusing to be pulled into it. Indeed, she shouldn’t insist on you being part of it, since she should respect your conscience. If she has a clear conscience about it, then it shouldn’t bother her that you don’t want to participate in it. After all, she should understand this is a great loss for you. She should be glad that you are willing to continue the relationship even though she is going through with it . . . which shows your respect for her conscience and her need to do what she thinks is the “right thing to do.” But that’s as far as you should go in supporting her in this; be respectful, tell her you will continue to love her even if she goes forward with it, but it is just not something you can participate in. That will help her confront both her conscience and your conscience and will prevent her from blaming you later for “going along with it.”

      Psychologically, many people try to shift the blame for the decision to their partner. Don’t participate in that game. Being a couple does not require one to share the blame for decisions that you oppose. You may not be able to stop her. And you should certainly not be disrespectful or unloving. But if a loved one insists on going down what you believe is the wrong path, you shouldn’t go down that path with her . . . nor should she expect and demand it. But you can promise to be there for her on the other side, hoping for the best but also prepared to help her though the worst.

      So at the very least change your answer from “I agree to an abortion,” to “I can’t stop you from having it, and I won’t stop loving you if you have it, but I think its wrong, bad for you, bad for me, and bad for our child and our families so I can’t participate in it. But I will love you and be there for you in any way I can afterward, even if you decide to go through it.”

      Please let us know if you have any success changing her mind. (I will also pray for her family to be more accepting of both you and your baby.)

  66. janell says:

    From personal experience I can tell you if a woman has one to save a relationship even if she wants to get married, it will always be there and have a bad effect. I had two with the same man, and with the second PG he first proposed and then fell apart as he didn’t want to be a “screwup” to his mother. She was a bitter woman who criticized her kids but he always hid any foibles so she would consider him the “good son”. And he always felt in his own mind he was not good enough even though he graduated college and law school. But because he was in law school at the time he could not stand the idea of telling her. Even though we were in our 20s. This is almost 40 years ago so times have changed. I ended up going back to him (I was terrified of telling my family as they were not supportive and I was on my own financially and barely making it). He asked me to marry him only after I jokingly gave him a deadline and he asked on the last possible day because he says he wanted to be sure.

    I was a scared young woman with low self esteem at the time. After we were married I kept working even though we had 3 kids and I wanted to stay home as he could not find a job that made much money even though he went to law school. And I wish I had. I ended up doing well in my career where he ended up staying home with our kids as I needed to travel for work. All for me was ok with my last job that paid well until I lost it. Then things unraveled. I found a job that paid half of what I was making and I have been stuck there for 10 years despite looking for something better. No raises and now I am well over 50 and women are considered invisible even though I was well respected in my career. He had to find work and again has looked for something he could do that he wanted to do and has never been able to do it. He is a hard worker but not a natural networker and has only been able to make half of what I am now. So I still carry the load.i have never had an extended period of time off that I so desperately need. I wanted to really cook and sew and decorate. All those things I haven’t been able to do as I have been working and tending to kids. I finally am pursuing some things I wanted to do in fine arts but we are almost broke and may have to sell the house I wanted to decorate. Adult kids are working but not making enough to pay back student loans and rent so they live with us. We have little privacy.

    But three years ago while he was going through a few months of unemployment )he can find only temp work) he became part of a committee at our church and began to be friends with a young bright woman on the committee who was headed to college and actually we knew from church. Unbeknownst to me instead of looking for work at night on the computer he was busy emailing her and even went so far as to enclose a letter secretly with a graduation gift we gave her. She had been impressed by his vocabulary and he felt flattered and important as she asked him advice about careers etc. Well he became very interested and began this correspondence that I stumbled upon accidentally (I had also been doing all the bill paying and household chores as he was “busy” with the committee meetings and job hunting. He also went on a diet and exercised At 5am and whitened his teeth and bought new clothes. You know, for job hunting. We were on a strict budget but of course he needed those things.

    When I discovered these daily lengthy emails….cleverly written with great panache and peppered with questions about her interests, great books they had both read, sprinkled with little witticisms and mild flirts and flattery, I was floored. She was going to be at an event that weekend so I waited and watched as he wrote her again to confirm the time she would be there and did not leave her side. I sat across from them. Could have been invisible. I confronted him in the car and he became cold and said he could have any ‘friends’ if he chose. It has been s long struggle. He cried one night and said I didn’t know what it was like to “love someone when they didn’t love you back”. It was a total infatuation. She was being slowly worked on like a student -professor thing, liking that an older man she respected told her she was so emotionally mature and so much ahesd of others her age etc. Made him write her to break it off and he told her he had derived too much emotional satisfaction from their “relafionship” better focused on his marriage to me. I think it scared her as she would not talk to him at church. He could not stand it so I watched on horror as I saw him watching her across the room from church like a forlorn puppy and then trying to sit or stand near her to overhear her. I had asked him to take her off his Facebook friends but he lied and kept up following her(for a year…lying to me about it) on social media through my daughter’s account but he did not contact her. On Christmas Eve he could not stand being ignored and walked past me at church and deliberately made her talk with him. Just niceties but he was defensive about it. Because he saw no reason why I should deprive him of a friendship.

    We went through two years of marriage therapy and have stopped for awhile. He is trying to build up his self esteem. I wanted him to g through therapy with me about the abortions because I had the same feelings of abandonment. Nobody in his family or mine knows about them and only two trusted old friends of mine. One of whom wss with me there (he did not accompany me to either one). I have loved this man for a long time and though we had troubles financially and a bumpy road at times because I wanted to stay at home and I could not afford to (and he did stay home bit did not want to nor have the career he wanted), I had never had reason to doubt his faithfulness since we were married nor his support emotionally for the last thirty years. This thing rocked me to my core.

    The counselor suggested he work with me and help mourn or grieve the abortions. He says he doesn’t need to feel all that shame as he is trying to move forward and I need counseling so I don’t play the “blame game” as I need to accept my responsibility too and he isn’t responsible for all my pain.

    He is stil not working as much, still has been applying for jobs without success (as have I) is seeing a counselor on his own who has never met me but has told him he is not responsible for my feelings and I need to get help on my own. He has not been proactive in trying to heal the rift he caused with his ” foolish infatuation” as he calls it (he refuses to call it an emotional affair and gets angry). He wrote her daily lengthy letters for three months. He writes beautifully. I have no such correspondence from him as we have not been apart but I still wish he would write to me as beautifully just so I would feel as flattered. He says it would not be the same as the reasons for him writing her was to keep her writing and getting flattery and admiration and he had mo assursnces of that from me because he largely gets resentment from me. I try to go back to “normal” life with him hoping for a little empathy and that he would try to earn back my trust and admiration to some degree. I had never questioned his faithfulness. With all that had happened that was the one thing I felt we had. And he says his feelings for this young woman are changed to just regular interest in someone in the same field. Yet he was upset just a couple of months ago because he thought I had gone into his FB account and blocked access to a mutual friend’sFB pictures. I had not. But she was in them and he knew that. Yet he said it was just the principle of it.

    Sigh. So now he is saying I am the one dragging this out as I won’t forgive him as he has “moved on” from this infatuation but I need to move forward and forgive him and stop making him feel badly. As for the abortions he says they are history and he feels badly but there is nothing either one of us can do about it and he sees no reason to drag them into any kind of a ritual grief issue as he doesn’t feel like that because he says he is a different person now. Yet all of these things that he did that caused me great pain are deep secrets. He says if I share any of them I am being punitive and that is vengeful and not in the spirit of forgiveness. He says he feels sorry but he can’t undo any of them (although the girl has been the person he has written the lengthiest and most letters since we have been married and he flat out refuses to write to me more than a note every couple of months because he says those notes are more meaningful even if they are shorter and infrequent. And he says he is tired of “tests”. And he will not ask me how I am feeling because he knows I am still hurt and doesn’t need to hear that I am having s bad day here and there and doesn’t want to take the responsibility for my pain .

    I don’t know what to do. I want to feel like he pursued me like I saw him pursue this young woman. But he says we have been married a long yoke and that should count for something. Then he gets angry if I ever mention his infatuation. I don’t want to. I just wish he were emphathetic not sympathetic. He feels more sorry for himself than anything (I think he is very angry at himself but to me he is more secretive about his feelings and only talks to his shrink every week. ). We don’t have any conversations about feelings or anything deep unless I bring it up as he avoids it.

    Don’t know how this will turn out yet. Just football what I did. Don’t give in to something you don’t want to do because you are scared of being alone.

    So all I can

    • EI says:

      Dear Janell,

      I totally understand how hurt you feel about both your abortion history with him and he emotional affair.

      Regarding the latter, pray for the grace to forgive him then do it. Forgive him. Then continue to pray that your forgiveness will deepen into your emotional life as well. Like love, forgiveness is a decision. Feelings, with God’s grace and perhaps a bit of cooperation from the loved/forgiven person will follow. Decide. Act. Persist.

      Also, while I think you already have a grasp on it, his foolish infatuation is something he should have avoided and recognized as bad for both him and your relationship . . . but for a man struggling with career and esteem issues, the sheer idea of being admired a young attractive woman can be very intoxicating. Perhaps you can find ways to refurbish and redisplay your admiration of him. That’s something that often disappears over many years of marriage. We get so used to each other we don’t feel admired. Indeed, that’s in many ways the same thing you yearn for . . . his admiration. You want him to pursue your admiration like he pursued hers. Perhaps you can both contribute to that mutual admiration cycle by making a list of things you admire about each other and sharing it with each other, and trying to focus on the things you admire and comment on them more frequently, and otherwise trying to build on new habits of showing how you appreciate each other . . . because frankly, you are both admitting that you each feel a bit unappreciated by each other.

      Again. Love is a decision, not a feeling. And here, as often, the decisions to love must be made that respect the needs of the loved one’s feelings so as to do everything you can to reinvigorate the feelings of being loved.

      And that includes making decisions to help a loved one heal from past hurts, which brings us to what his duty (as one who can make a decision to love) is to you regarding your efforts to heal from your abortions.

      Even if he feels he’s okay, or healed, or just doesn’t want to stir the pot . . . he still needs to help and support you in your healing. Toward that end, I think it is entirely reasonable that you ask, even insist, that he go with you to a Rachel’s Vineyard weekend. If necessary, promise to try harder to forget about and stop bringing up his foolish infatuation if only he will do this for you because you need him for this process. You really do. You need him to understand more fully what you have felt, what you are going through, and how you are working through it.

      Remind him that love is a decision. And that you are asking him in love to make a decision to love and to do this for you even though he may think he doesn’t need it.

      You are both in my prayers. I pray God will help you to heal on every level and in every way.

  67. Sharif says:

    My girlfriend had an abortion late last March. We’ve only been dating a few months at that point. It was an unplanned pregnancy. She wanted to break up with me the day she found out she was pregnant. When we met that day I told her I’m not ready to have a baby yet but if she wants to keep it we’are going to have a family. Truth is she wanted to have a family and kids with me, she would talk about it often. And I wanted the same. But she is still in school and decided having a baby would jeopardise her future. A week after the abortion she broke up with me. She said she felt we are not going to be happy together because we decided to have an abortion. She was extremely broken up about having to do it as she is catholic and she really wanted to be a mother. Looking back at the weeks between when she found out she was pregnant and abortion (medical) I think all she wanted from me was to intervene and stop her from going through with it. Instead I chose to avoid discussing it any further for the fear of upsetting her.

    I tried to get her back. After no contact for about 2 months I sent her flowers for her birthday. She responded and I tried to do my best to win her back. We were just meeting up and spending time together as friends. Although at times I could tell she still has feeling for me she was not the same person any longer, the pain she endured scarred her. I could see it in her eyes. After about a month of this she ended it saying she wasn’t ready to be with anyone yet. It’s been three months since I last heard form her and last month would’ve been the due date for the baby. I still love her more than anything and not a day goes by that I don’t think about her and our baby.

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