Can Relationships Survive After Abortion?

For some women, abortion is the result of an outright threat of abandonment if the woman won’t “do the right thing” and abort. Other times, the pressure is more subtle: “It’s your decision, but….”

Unfortunately, all the evidence shows that abortion to “save a relationship” almost never works. Many relationships between couples come apart shortly after an abortion. Others survive only because the partners are still bound together by grief. These relationships often turn into prolonged, mutually destructive mourning rituals.(1) Even married couples are often driven apart by an abortion unless they can find a way to complete the grieving process together.

Abortion breeds anger, resentment, and bitterness toward the partner who was not supportive or who ignored their partner’s desire to keep the baby.

At the same time, there is often tremendous pressure in the relationship to conceal one’s true feelings of grief or guilt. This can especially be a problem for men, who are often taught to hide their emotions. Men may also feel obligated to appear “strong” so as not to upset the woman any further.

Men can be affected by abortion in many of the same ways as women. Many men have reported post-abortion problems such as feelings of grief, helplessness and guilt; sexual dysfunction; substance abuse; self-hatred; fear of relationships; risk-taking and suicidal behavior; depression; greater tendencies toward becoming angry and violent; and a sense of lost manhood.(2) When either women or men carry the emotional baggage of an unresolved abortion into a subsequent relationship, it can cause trouble in subtle and even dramatic ways.

This is especially a problem when they keep the abortion a secret from their spouses, who are then unable to understand their emotional cycles. The distortions in behavior that result when spouses keep secrets from each other can be devastating to a marriage.

At the very least, the “need” to keep a past abortion secret prevents couples from giving and receiving unconditional love. This deprives the relationship of the opportunity to reach its full potential.

It is no coincidence that the abortion rate and the domestic violence rate have risen almost side by side. Abortion, for both women and men, is associated with self-hatred, self-punishing behavior, and an increased tendency to act out anger and rage toward others.

A woman who is self-destructive or suicidal, but afraid to deliberately harm herself, may be more likely to become involved with a violent man. A violent relationship may allow her both to express her own rage and to experience what she unconsciously feels is the “punishment I deserve.” Because of self-hatred and low self-esteem, she may remain in the relationship because she thinks she doesn’t deserve anything better.

Certainly, there are many other causes of domestic violence. But substantial statistical evidence and many case studies show that abortion is contributing to this national tragedy.

Until these women and men are provided with an environment that promotes post-abortion healing, they are likely to remain trapped in these cycles of violence.

Dr. Theresa Karminski Burke is a psychotherapist and director of the Center for Post-Abortion Healing and author of Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion. Supporting citations are posted at www.afterabortion.org.

Notes

1. Franke, L. Bird, The Ambivalence of Abortion (New York: Random House Inc., 1978) p. 63. See also Reardon, Aborted Women, 45.

2. Strahan, T., “Portraits of Post-Abortive Fathers Devastated by the Abortion Experience,” Assoc. for Interdisciplinary Research in Values and Social Change, Nov./Dec. 1994.

 

 

Posted by EI on December 23, 1999.

Categories: ALL, Hope & Healing, Men and Abortion

75 Responses

1. I did an an abortion early this year,and my boyfriend knows about it,he supported me in doing it.But as time went i started feeling hatred towards him,i feel jelous when i see him with other women.Iam now feeling like letting go this relationship. Advise me what do i do

   by Rytah on Mar 30, 2012 at 8:16 am

2. We encourage you to find a post-abortion support group where you can talk to other women who have been through the same thing as you are going through now. Some tips and help in finding a group are here: http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/

   by EI on Mar 30, 2012 at 3:30 pm

3. My girlfriend is having an abortion. She is currently visiting her family in another state. She says she NEEDS me to be on her side. So as a supportive boyfriend I’ve told her I am. She will kill my child and there is nothing I can do. I’m terrified of losing her but I believe this is putting strain that will break us. I’m Roman catholic so this adds another layer of self loathing. I find myself lying to friends and family. Idk what to do. Can loving somebody truly be enough to live with abortion.

   by Robert on Mar 31, 2012 at 6:35 pm

4. She is right to ask you to be on her side, but she is wrong to think that there is only one way to be on her side . . . namely by saying you support self-destructive decisions. She is seriously mistaken to think that you should shut off your brain and moral compass and become a “yes” man, and in the long run she will never respect a “yes” man.

   One thing you should do is tell her that your are concerned for her, as well as your child, and also for yourself. Tell her what you’ve read and learned on this website about the emotional and physical risks of abortion for both women and men. Moreover, an abortion is likely to push the two of you apart, while having a child will pull you together. So it is poison for the relationship.

   Tell her you understand her fears, her concerns, and how having a baby will disrupt and change the plans you have made for yourselves and for you as a couple. But life is that way. There will always be things that force us to change our plans and shape new dreams. And if you talk to anyone over 50, they will tell you that these unexpected shifts in our lives are often those that are the most rewarding. God knows better what we need than we know for ourselves.

   Don’t consent to the abortion. Promise to support her, preferably in having the baby. But also promise that you will try to always be there for her if and when she needs a shoulder to cry on . . . because you believe that sooner or later she will regret it if she goes through with the abortion. If she does, it is highly likely that your relationship will not survive the stress . . . no matter what you do, whether you stand by your principles and continue to ask her not to do this to herself, you, and your child, or whether you bite your tongue, much less if you lie to her and yourself saying you are okay with her decision and support it. So it is a mistake to believe that you can betray your own beliefs and fail to be the man of principle that God made you to be (and she wants you to be!) and somehow save, much less improve, your relationship.

   All that said, even if she persists in this misguided and self-destructive path, you can show love and “support” by refraining from making accusations and judgments (calling her a “sinner” or “murderer”, for example) will drive her away, and may even drive her toward the abortion to spite you. As indicated above, there are ways to say that you care for her and will continue to love her even if she does make this mistake, but you can’t support a decision that goes against your own moral beliefs and paternal drive to protect your children, as well as their mother. In that context, it’s okay to say, “I can’t give you my approval for this because it would make me feel like I was sentencing my own child to death. I’m not going to judge you. That’s between you and God. But I can’s say yes to what every cell in my body is telling me is wrong.” As they say in relationship training, use “I” statements talking about your own feelings and avoid (like the plague) any “you” statements which can be interpreted as accusations.

   All of you (you, her, and your baby) are in our prayers. Stand strong. Pray. Look for resources. Encourage her to talk to a pregnancy help center counselor or even a post-abortion counselor who can help her to understand that abortion is trap. It will cause far more problems in her life than it will ever solve.

   by EI on Mar 31, 2012 at 7:28 pm

5. help me, i had abortion 3 years ago at 18, and have told to my parents, my ex-boyfriend, and best friend. my parents, my family, my ex-bf, ex-bf family all of them consul me to do that, they told me it for my future. for me its not the best choice and its really egoistic.
   i left alone with guilt, shame, low self-esteem, low-self confidence, depresion and grief.. i cant tell anyone about my feeling, even told to my mom, she never talk about it anymore.
   sometimes, i always think about suicide my self. i cant help it

   i always pray to God to forgive me. and help me to forgive my self
   i start new relationship with new boyfriend, but end up with broken.. 4 times after i experience my abortion. and i blame myself because what i did. and for the last, i though i finally found someone that i really love but its broken (again) because i have trouble in control and trust.. whenever i see my boyfriend, i angry. such a trauma with boyfriend. but i need them to be with. sometimes i fear of relationship, and hopeless.
   i have problem with my self-confidence, walking around like a zombie cant feel anything even my boyfriend always tried to make me happy.. and everytime he make me happy i got headache, and feel sick because im confused what should i act.. and its really not natural.. sometimes some people make me laugh, after i laugh, i cry.. what happen to me?
   what should i do?

   by rose on Apr 1, 2012 at 3:17 pm

6. You need to find someone who you feel safe talking to. That means someone who will not judge you and at the same time respects and understands your grief and pain. Ideally you should find a post-abortion counseling group. These are specialists and many are women who have been through abortions themselves and now help other women, like you, work through the same issued they faced and conquered.

   Please read our page on healing for tips and resources and contact info. If you do not have a post-abortion healing program in your country, try reaching out to a church. Many Catholic priests are now trained to understand and make referrals for women who have had abortions who need help.

   You are in our prayers. You can email us again if we can be of more help.

   by EI on Apr 2, 2012 at 12:30 am

7. I’m 39 and I’ve recently found out Im 6 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend of two years is separated from his wife awaiting divorce with a son and step son. He has said from the outset of our relationship that he doesn’t want more children. He is obviously less than pleased about our pregnancy and says he thinks we will resent each other if I have the baby. He is an artist and earns very little and although he has his son to stay part of the week he pays no maintenance because of his lack of income. Our relationship has been incredibly rocky during the time we have been together due to many factors and circumstances outside of our relationship, although its been tough we have just managed to reconcile some differences and we were just beginning to have a clearer space to get stronger together. His reaction to my pregnancy is chilling and all I’ve heard from him is how it will affect his life and career. I hate the thought of having an abortion no matter how hard it is to pull together but I know if I go through with the pregnancy he will resent me and I will be facing being a single parent again ( I have a son of 19 from a previous relationship). To top it off, a few days after I discovered my pregnancy I was offered a funded place on a Phd I’d been prepping for all year together with an amazing job offer. I feel the odds are stacked against me in terms of support and finances and yet I know this is my last chance to have a baby. Is it unfair to have a baby against my boyfriends wishes?

   by Jacqui on Apr 6, 2012 at 8:17 am

8. It is not unfair to have a child against your boyfriend’s wishes. It

   is unfair

   for you boyfriend to pressure you to have an abortion. It’s his obligation to see this change in circumstances as a challenge/opportunity to grow and become stronger in many ways . . . in loving you and your child, in becoming and showing more responsibility, maturity, and leadership, et cetera.

   This is not only your last chance to have a baby, it is your last chance to show that you will defend your baby, even from a father (who at least at this moment) is frightened, confused, and unwanting. Someday, I promise, the father of this child will be eternally grateful that you refused to follow his urging to have an abortion. Whether it is when he holds the baby, or sees the sparkle of excitement in a teenagers eyes, or is listening to an adult child talk of his or her pride in his grandchild, he will praise the day that you knew better than to abort the treasure of his child.

   Hold fast. One way or the other, things will work out. He may not stay with you. But if he doesn’t, that’s his loss. And maybe he will return. But if he won’t and can’t stand by you in this, then he will leave you for some other reason in the future anyway. It’s not worth giving up your child . . . especially not for a man who in the end is not really committed to you anyway. And the amazing thing is, doing the right thing, protecting your child, is sometimes the one thing that will bring a man’s heart around to where it should be, inspiring commitment and determination to protect and provide for his child and spouse. If that doesn’t do it, there is nothing you can do for him that will make him a better man . . . and certainly having an abortion to make him happy won’t save your relationship. That will be the kiss of death.

   You are in our prayers. Do not give up hope. Trust that God will be at your side, helping you and your baby toward a future you will never regret.

   by EI on Apr 6, 2012 at 12:58 pm

9. I have been so stuck in my idea that I DON’T WANT KIDS EVER and I never really opened my heart to anyone, I worked hard had a lot to show for it was independent and proud of who I am. But 8 months ago my very good friend and I had a change in a relationship and ended up being bf/gf. I quit my current job we moved up north where he owns a home and had a brilliant job opportunity and an amazing close family who have become like my own (brother, mother, father) I have struggled to find full time work and have felt so lost and insecure and depressed because I feel as though not only me but everyone around me no longer remembers that strong independent person but things were still okay because I am so in love and we want and discuss a future together, and even when we fight I could still see that future and grasp It as my journey in life. My partner is the one who wants children just not any time yet and I’ve still said I don’t want them and I actually mean/meant that 100% until yesterday when I found out I am 7 weeks pregnant and all of a sudden I don’t know anything I’m feeling, and my partner straight away knows he doesn’t want it yet and has informed me that if I choose to keep it I will have broken his trust because he believed I would get rid of it if I fell pregnant without hesitation until later on in life when he is ready and i was convinced I would be okay with having kids. I’m not saying I want it but I don’t know what I am feeling and why as soon as I was aware there was a little person growing inside of me I all of a sudden no longer know the one thing I have always been so sure in I DON’T WANT KIDS I have never had swayed from that statement and truly meant it everyone I have stated it why now do I feel so lost and confused? And the worst feeling now is I no longer believe this relationship has a solid future no matter what course of action I chose and that’s what hurts the most and it is confusing and hurting me in ways I can’t describe Nor understand I dont know who to talk to I don’t want to talk to anyone but for some stupid reason it doesn’t feel as though I’m telling anyone by writing on here so I have been able to get the words out and say what i the muddled mess of my head emotions an life now is? Please help me, someone!

   by Alyssia on Apr 17, 2012 at 7:01 am

10. You’re not alone. So many women have been there. Discovering you are pregnant–even when one is hoping to be pregnant, much less when one is definitely not wanting to be pregnant–is always mind blowing. Even for someone like yourself, who never wanted kids, it is amazing to realize that your body is fertile and there is a new little human life growing inside you, your child.

    Obviously, I don’t know why you never wanted to have children. Some people don’t because they just don’t want the responsibility of caring for another person for so many years. While there may be many rewards to being a parent, they figure that responsibility for a child will get in the way of pursuing other interests and goals.

    Others don’t want children, because they have hurts from their own childhood. They are afraid of exposing another child to those hurts. In some cases, the hurts are related to feeling unloved by one or both parents…or to witnessing marital discord or abuse…are such that they are just deeply afraid of recreating all the problems they hated.

    There could be other reasons, too. At some level, it is probably related to some core fear. Fear of being obligated to love and care for another person. Or, fear of being a failure at loving and caring for another person. Or fear of change. Or fear of poverty. Or fear of abandonment by your partner. Or fear of judgment (if you’re afraid others will think you are a bad parent, for example). Or fear of being dependent on others or having others dependent on you.

    Everyone has one or two core fears, and it is likely that this life long sense that you do not want children is related to one of your core fears. Try to understand what the core fear is. This core fear may also be influencing other areas and decisions in your life.

    Core fears can elicit either an attack or avoidance reaction. For example, I know of a person whose core fear is a fear of failure which drives her to overcompensate by always challenging herself to choose the most difficult path. That’s a kind of attack reaction, rushing toward that which triggers fear. So in her case, her core fear drives her to take a contrary course. In other cases, the core fear may drive someone to take an avoidance path. Not wanting children is likely an avoidance reaction.

    So, I’d encourage you to drill down and think about your core fear.

    Then, I’d suggest that you also consider how life seems designed to challenge us. No matter what our plans, life takes twists and turns which challenge us and makes us grow in ways that we might never have anticipated or asked for…but can often be the ways that we most grow.

    I don’t know if you believe in God, or karma, or fate, or just blind chance. But certainly for those of us who do believe in God, we believe that often God sends us what we need, not what we want. Why? Not because we want too much, but because we are prepared to settle for too little.

    For example, we may think we will be happy if everyone values us as a specialist in our chosen field. And that drives us to succeed. But maybe God knows that we will actually be happier that one person (our child) thinks we are the greatest at everything, if even for a few short years until as a teen they begin to think we know nothing and then as adults begin to think we are at least humans to who try!

    In other words, maybe God (or nature, if you prefer) knows better what you need (and your boyfriend needs) better than you do.

    While it is “safer” to control the relationships in your life, the real adventure, the real growth, the real maturity, the real discovery of how deep and overwhelming and transforming relationships can be is to open yourself to this new relationship with your own child.

    There is so much good that can come from it. There are so many women and men who have accepted an unplanned child into their lives who will attest that it was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to them.

    Conversely, there is so much harm that can come from rejecting this opportunity. There are so many women and men who wish with all their hearts that they could undo what they have done. But abortion is permanent. It can’t be undone.

    No one regrets having a child. Many regret having an abortion. Overtime, sooner or later, perhaps most if not all will regret it. For if we are lucky to live to an old age, everything boils down to relationships. What are our relationships like with children, friends, and God? Were there relationships that we failed to foster, develop, and embrace? And having that relationship with your child (and grandchildren), then, on your death bed in your old age, will be more valuable than any investment or career success or anything else. Relationships are what matter most and endure.

    Regarding your boyfriend. This disrupts his plans, too, of course. No one enjoys seeing their life plans disrupted. But the cost of abortion to both you and him is far greater than either of you can imagine. This is definitely clear in your case because of the ambivalence which has arisen, which is a risk factor warning that this pregnancy is touching you at a deep emotional level that cannot be ignored and that will come back to haunt you. Something in you is warning you not to have an abortion. Listen to this warning bell.

    In time, he will adjust. Indeed, abortion will never save a relationship. It almost always leads to a break. On the other hand, having a child will often save relationships. After all, that is what a child is . . . the product of two people’s love which in some way unites them permanently. Once he gets used to the idea, and once he sees his child, perhaps his plans and expectations will adjust and you will all work it out. If you go your separate ways, then at least you still both have your child and the rewards of that new relationship.

    I encourage you to talk to a pregnancy help center or hotline person listed on your help page. It would be helpful to have someone to talk to and just listen to you and to encourage you.

    I pray you will choose life so that you will have life abundantly. IF you do have an abortion, I pray you will fare well and if and when you need emotional help, you will not hesitate to reach out for it. Our prayers are with you.

    Have courage. Do not be afraid! Good things come unexpectedly. God has a better plan for your life than you do for yourself!

    by EI on Apr 17, 2012 at 2:21 pm

11. My fiance and I found out she was pregnant 2 weeks ago, we both want our child… However, its far more complex. She has been having complications, she seems to b far more affected by the pregnancy symptoms than any other woman ive known. And on top of that she’s stressing constantly.. shes hurting all the time. I’m not sure where her head is in all this. She starts law school in July, and she has a schlorship that requires her grades to remain high, and she fears keeping the baby will jeopardize her future. i am a family man, and every inch of me does not want this. She says she fears i’ll hate her forever, i promised i wouldnt, and i dont plan to, because God knows, I love her, but i definately feel something. its not hate, but i definately think shes losing my trust. I cant tell if she wants to abort because of the pains shes suffering, or if shes thinking of only her future. I love her enough to sacrifice my future to provide for her and the baby. i want my child, but the fact. remains, she is in terrible pain. We are both Christians and neither of us feel that this is the right thing to do.. and i pray that shes not just being selfish, because i fear i’ll resent her one day. someone tell me what to do…. how should i feel. i love her, and i want her in my life, but i also want a healthy pregnancy for her. i want my child, but not at the cost of losing her. I fear I’ll never trust her again. Part of me wonders what it would take to make her abort this relationship, and the bigger part of me feels sorry for her, and wants to support WHATEVER will make her life easier.

    by stan on Apr 22, 2012 at 1:59 pm

12. Call your local pro-life group or pro-life pregnancy center for recommendations for a good pro-life OB/GYN. You want to have someone who won’t be encouraging abortion as an option but will instead be reinforcing both you and her with confidence that things will work out. The pain should be investigated by the doctor. There is some risk that she has an ectopic pregnancy. Alternatively, if it is due psychosomatic stress, there may be things the doctor can do to help with that also.

    Early pregnancy is a tough time of transition, both mentally and physically. She need support and encouragement and help sorting out how her future will be changed. I think you can reassure her that you would never “hate” her if she had an abortion, but neither can you assure her that your love would be the same. The simple fact is that having an abortion, which goes against the moral beliefs of both of you, will damage your relationship, perhaps irretrievably. That damage may not result in “hate” but it will certainly result in feelings of disappointment and a diminished sense of her courage, virtue and ability to trust both God and you.

    It is right and good to feel compassion for someone we love who is suffering. But just as you can’t let that compassion become an excuse for taking from God the right to decide who lives and who dies. If she were dying from a painful disease, the argument for euthanasia is premised on placing the virtue of compassion above all other virtues, and claiming that as long as one has feelings of compassion when killing another, that trumps the commandment “thou shalt not kill.” The same logic applies to this abortion question. You feel compassion for her pain and fears, but you have to stand strong, both as an example and a leader, and stand for what is right . . . even if there will be months of coping with a difficult pregnancy. In this, as in all of life’s crosses, you have to trust that for both you and her, God has a plan and that any suffering endured while trusting in His plan is, in His grand plan, either good for us, good for others, or both.

    You, your fiance, and your child are in our prayers.

    by EI on Apr 23, 2012 at 3:28 pm

13. I just had a abortion and my boyfriend said he will be here for me but he goes on vacation to go see his family and left me crying, scared and not knowing what to do. While he he is out shooting and bbqing something he loves to and i cant even sleep nor eat. Should i be mad at him

    by Larrissa on Apr 28, 2012 at 3:08 am

14. Larrissa, you need and deserve the support of people who understand just how serious an abortion is. People will try to say “it’s no big deal,” but many women know it is. Your bf may be coping by being in denial or by burying his feelings or he doesn’t fully understand the true impact of an abortion — especially on you. Please check out this list of helpers — find someone near you to talk about this with you. There are women who have been there who care deeply for you and know how to help you. Keep trying until you find the right kind of help for you. You do need to talk to someone who understands. Good luck and God bless! Here’s the list: http://www.theunchoice.com/healing.htm

    by A.C. on Apr 28, 2012 at 5:18 pm

15. Monica, I would suggest talking to someone to learn about all your options first. You don’t have to have an abortion and there are many organizations prepared to help you with resources, support, counseling or even just assistance in talking things out with the father. One such organization is Option Line: http://www.optionline.org/ or 1-800-712-HELP. They provide free and confidential help over the phone or through chats or email.

    by Amy at Elliot Institute on May 1, 2012 at 6:57 pm

16. Hi – I to am in a similar situation as you. We made a join decision to abort but I never knew the greif I would feel after it or how let down I would feel when he was unable to support me.
    I am caught ina cycle of grief, need of his support and love and hate towards him.
    I am hoping counselling and support will clear my mind so I can make the decision that is best for me. Hating the man you love is so hard to understand but taking time to work through your feelings and decide if he is able to meet your emotional needs and give you the future you want will help.
    Sending you kindness

    by TAS on May 14, 2012 at 12:46 pm

17. How are things going? An update would be appreciated. You are in our prayers.

    by EI on May 16, 2012 at 4:04 pm

18. How are things going? You are in our prayers.

    by EI on May 16, 2012 at 4:05 pm

19. Please update us on how are you doing? You are in our prayers.

    by EI on May 16, 2012 at 4:09 pm

20. You have been in our prayers. How are you doing? Is there anything more we can do to help?

    by EI on May 16, 2012 at 4:11 pm

21. Hi Jacqui,

    You have been in our prayers. How have you been doing? Is there anything more we can do to help?

    by EI on May 16, 2012 at 4:12 pm

22. Hi Rose,

    You’ve been in our prayers. Have you found a post-abortion ministry or someone else to help you through this tough time? Don’t give up hope!

    by EI on May 16, 2012 at 4:14 pm

23. I had an abortion almost 2 months ago. 20 years old and raised a roman catholic its something i never thought i would do or even consider doing. I have always imagined finding out that i was pregnant while i was married and planning a cute way to tell my future husband the news. but i found out alone, in a free health clinic sitting on a table crying. Ive handled things well but also have broken down and cried. my relationship with my boyfriend seems to be stronger most times, but weaker sometimes as well. i realized how delicate life is and how precious close relationships are with friends and family. i realized so much that now afterwords i feel like i dont really know anything about how i feel, how i should feel, or what im looking forward to in the future

    by molly on May 17, 2012 at 2:39 am

24. The ups and downs are likely to continue. Hang in there. If you ever need to talk to someone, please call one of the post-abortion support groups listed on our healing page.

    by EI on May 17, 2012 at 6:22 pm

25. I just found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant. I don’t feel that I am in the place to have a child, I am not financially stable, I just feel like im not ready. I use to want kids, very much. But in the last year or so, I decided that I don’t want to have kids til later in life, if I choose too, because I have so many goals that I want to reach. My boyfriend, who is a few years younger than me, he also use to want children but around the same time he decided he doesn’t not want children either, maybe later in life, but not anytime soon. We have a generally healthy relationship, minus the few tifts here and there that most relationships go through. When I found out I was pregnant, I asked him how he felt and he said you know i dont want kids, and I was relieved to know we were on the same page, but the last couple days I keep wondering, what if? what if? I asked him today if he was still okay with everything and he said yea im ok. I don’t think he has talked about it to anyone, and I know he went through this with his last relationship years ago, but she didn’t want it, she was also cheating. This is all new to me, not to him. I have been praying about it, and I just don’t think it’s a good time. Does anyone have any advice on how I could get him to open up more about how he feels?

    by Lori on May 26, 2012 at 7:45 pm

26. Others may have more suggestions, but I’m sensing that your concern about how he really reflects a growing ambivalence in yourself.

    Here’s what happens with unintended pregnancies. It at least appears that all the practical reasons are lining up for not having a baby. Job considerations. Relationship issues. Housing. There are dozens of practical reasons to simply “not have the baby.”

    But these practical reasons undervalue the emotional, familial, and developmental issues that are also a big part of it.

    The biggest mistake is to think that abortion is like a time machine that just turns back the clock and puts things back they way they were. No, it leaves a pile of baggage in your life and exposes you to real physical risks, including increased risk of premature birth and other problems, including infertility, once you are “ready” to have a baby. And the majority of women who have any ambivalence about an abortion decision, such as you have, are at higher risk of persistent [http://afterabortion.org/1999/abortion-risks-a-list-of-major-physical-complications-related-to-abortion/ negative psychological adjustments].

    That you are praying about this decision suggests that you believe that there are moral considerations and God has answers for you.

    Have you ever heard that God doesn’t make mistakes? That you are pregnant at all, with a new life, created by God who has a plan for your child and is offering this child to you as an unexpected gift that will teach you new ways to love — at a time when He seems to think you can most benefit from this gift of life and love….well, isn’t God already trying to tell you something? Surely, praying to God, “Do you want me to abort the life that You allowed to come into me?” (especially since He does not give this gift to all who pray for it, just ask those struggling with becoming pregnant after a past abortion), is kind of like saying to your dad on your birthday, “Do you want me to throw out this gift check you gave me?” No. It is a gift! He gave it to you with the hope it would transform and enrich your life.

    Praying for “permission” to abort may be emotionally comforting but it defies all the logic that attaches to the idea of an omnipotent, all knowing, unchanging, loving God. What you are calling a prayer is really just a recitation of little arguments to God. You are trying to explain, to GOD(!) about all the inconveniences caused by this gift (which He apparently overlooked) in the hope that you can convince Him that He made a mistake. But if abortion was in His plan, it would be in the form of a natural abortion, namely miscarriage.

    Moreover, I don’t think anything I’ve written is new to you. You already know all of this and it troubles your heart and is why you are hesitating despite all the “practical” reasons to abort–and perhaps hoping your boyfriend will change his mind and be the one advocating to keep the child. Why put it off on him? You can and should stand up for your child yourself and insist that he should do the same.

    What can you do to “get him to open up more?” Start by asking if, in an ideal world, abortion would ever be okay? Wouldn’t it be better if we could all, always welcome and delight in every new child? And then draw him into the moral questions involved? And when does life really begin? Only when it is convenient for us to say it does? And has he ever thought about his prior child that was aborted? Does he ever wonder how that abortion affected his prior girlfriend (physically and emotionally) and how much does he worry about how it might effect you? How would he feel if this were the only pregnancy you were ever able to conceive, and it was aborted? How would he help you to get over that?!

    You are in our prayers. I encourage you to contact a pregnancy help center and ask for additional advice.

    by EI on May 27, 2012 at 12:14 am

27. Hi Lori

    I offer you this advice as I went through with a termination this year. My partner and me both for practical reasons decided to have a termination. He is fine with the decision and like your partner didn’t want children yet. All I can suggest is if you can see a counsellor prior to making your final decision.

    This is a decision you are making with your head but in all honesty it is your heart which deals with the consequences and emotions of the decision you make. Make sure it is what you truly want as I didn’t and I have a lot of regret about my decision. And in part blame my partner for not wanting a child with me.

    Men and women deal with the post trauma very differently and be sure you are in a position where you can both talk together about it and independantly to as without communication resentment may build. Just try to listen to your heart and not make this decision with just your head as unless they feel the same the fall out may suprise you and the emotional trauma may like it has with me cause you a lot of upset. I never expected to feel any emotion as I knew the decision was right for me for practical reasons but emotions are a funny thing.

    thinking of you and hope you make the decision that is right for you
    Much luv Tas

    by TAS on May 28, 2012 at 3:01 pm

28. Lori

    To add to my last comment – He will only open up to you if he is ready and able to. Mene and women deal with situations very differently and to expect him to talk about it openly like you may so it not realistic.
    Seek advice from a counsellor and maybe even attend a session together to help him to talk. You will only survive your decision if you talk about it and are there for each other.. Hope this helps.

    by TAS on May 28, 2012 at 3:08 pm

29. My girlfriend of 7 months is 13 weeks pregnant, we found out 5 weeks ago. At first she was excited by it but after a week she had told her ex husband & everything changed (she’s got 2 kids already by him) she wants a abortion, I didn’t have a say!! We had a argument 2 weeks ago she’s ended the relationship saying she doesn’t love me anymore. She’s having the abortion tomorrow & taking her ex husband I love her I want her back I’m in bits!!

    by matt on May 29, 2012 at 7:40 pm

30. Matt,

    Our hearts and prayers go out to you . . . and to her and your child. I pray she will have a last minute change of heart. I can barely comprehend the emotions that are coursing through you right now as you agonize over your inability to get through to her. I pray you will have some inspiration that could make a difference.

    Assuming that she does go through with it, all i can do is to encourage you to be open to getting some help from a post-abortion counseling group, perhaps one especially for men. Let us know if you have trouble finding one.

    Try to hold forgiveness in your heart. She’s frightened and confused. Bitterness will never help you or her. Strive always to nurture feelings of forgiveness for her and yourself…and anyone else involved. This is a great loss for you, on so many levels. But I’m afraid that all you can do now is to become centered in prayer and to start learning all you can from this experience so you can not only avoid the same mistakes in the future, but also so this overall experience (with her, the pregnancy, your child, and the abortion) will embolden you to live a more life-affirming life which will inspire others and be a testament to the child you have lost.

    by EI on May 29, 2012 at 8:22 pm

31. Me and my girlfriend had unprotected sex and it made it worse because I actually peer pressured her into having sex with me. so we did and found that she was because her period didn’t come. We decided to have had the abortion because if she was in her last yr in high-school and me in my first year in college and by having a child we both wouldn’t have finish… so we had thought. or I did at least. We ended up having the abortion 3 days after my birthday so that was a real something a person will end up carrying for the rest of his birthdays. We were to have our child in April but that never worked out and now I feel a sort of resentment towards her but when I think about it I shouldn’t because I don’t let her in so it’s not her fault. We use to talk about having a kid and I was all happy and stuff towards that but now I don’t even wanna hear a child’s cry or have her even mention anything about having another because I don’t think we deserve another and it just hurts to talk about it. What should I do because I really feel a lost here ?!?!?!?!?!?

    by Alexander on Jun 1, 2012 at 3:20 am

32. Just to add to it we had the abortion also because we knew her parents and my side of the family wouldn’t take it good and we would have to find a way on how to support ourselves.

    by Alexander on Jun 1, 2012 at 3:33 am

33. Start by apologizing for having pushed her into having sex and for encouraging the abortion, despite all the “practical” reasons for going that route, including your fear that your parents weren’t going to be supportive. Apologize for not being confident and bold enough to have told her “We can make it! This baby is a sign of our love. I want to be here for both of you!”

    Don’t blame her for the decision, even if she did encourage or insist on it. That will only make her defensive and will make it hard for her to hear your apology and sorrow. It’s likely that she is already, or may someday, blame herself–perhaps even too much! So don’t add to that burden. Just focus on expressing your own sorrow and don’t try to tell her how to feel.

    Then tell her how you are hurting, because of your failure and your loss and how you would give anything to have your baby, and her, in your life. Explain how this loss is haunting you, and invite her to participate with you in a post-abortion healing program because it may be the best way for the two of you to not only mourn together, but to actually grow closer together because this will no longer be something between you that is hard to talk about, but rather something between you that you have both learned so much from.

    Look through the page on Healing After an Abortion. I know that Rachel’s Vineyard, at the very least, offers weekend retreats which provide for couples to participate together. It can be a very healing experience. Even if she does not agree that she needs or wants to participate in a post-abortion healing program, then go find a group for yourself. There are some groups for men, led by men.

    Keep in touch. Let us know if you make any progress. You are both in our prayers.

    by EI on Jun 1, 2012 at 2:06 pm

34. after me and my girl had I didnt even wanna think about kids anymore is that ok? I mean I wanted before but now I just can’t look at a child and not wanting to hurt myself. help..

    by John on Jun 2, 2012 at 5:16 am

35. I had an abortion 2 weeks ago at 11 weeks after an unplanned pregnancy. I have been going out with my current boyfriend for four years. After i found out i was pregnant i was happy and I thought my boyfriend would be happy which he said he was but made it clear he wanted me to keep the baby but had no intention of getting married. I always wanted to get married and I value it . As he had not proposed yet I thought the pregnancy this might prompt him to think of marriage as he is 40 years and i am 30. He told me he was just not ready and I felt that i was not ready to bring up a child as a single parent. He said he would support me with whatever decision I made but I felt that he did not support me through that time. I hung on to the pregnancy allowing him time to think and maybe work something out but i got the impression he was taking time to decide so i would go past the safe period of having an abortion. He went away and it was at this time i decided to have an abortion, when he and tried to talk to me when i he was away, i would ignore his calls as i felt so much anger at him. After the abortion I still have mixed feelings about as it was not an easy decision on my part. Whenever we tried to talk about the pregnancy we ended up in heated arguments. At one stage I told him I would have the baby but did not want him in my baby’s life but he said he would be there and fight me in court if necessary and i did not want my baby in custodial fights. This guy has come back and apologised for everything, part of me feels that i do not want to have anything to do with him at all and part of me feels like i want to give him a second chance. When i talk to him i am so mad and we end up fighting and wish to end the relationship yet on the other hand when I am alone i wish i could be with him and continue our relationship . He has tried to reach to me by whatever means but i keep pushing him away, I don’t know what i should do please help.

    by Cindy on Jun 2, 2012 at 9:28 am

36. John, as long as the abortion is controlling your feelings and decisions (including a loss of desire to have children), there is a psychological barrier that can and should be addressed. Men can benefit from post-abortion healing programs, too. Please read our tips on healing and also some of our articles related to the impact of abortion on men.

    You can work through this. Don’t let the abortion control your life and deprive you of the joys of being a father and of the gift of having other children. But don’t just bury this and try to forget about it either. Have the courage to confront it with the help of someone who is trained in post-abortion counseling and can help you transform this experience into one that strengthens you and prepares you to be a better father…instead of a man whose afraid of fatherhood.

    by EI on Jun 4, 2012 at 5:55 pm

37. Obviously, you both have a lot of mixed feelings about the baby, the abortion, and your relationship. You also both need to find a way to forgive each other and to apologize for your own parts in the confusion, hurt, lack of trust, and lack of commitment.

    I strongly encourage both of you to read our tips on healing and perhaps a book, like Forbidden Grief which goes into greater length on the issue of how abortion effects relationships and the negative traps in continuing a relationship after an abortion that must be recognized and dismantled.

    You could both benefit from individual post-abortion healing programs, but you may fair even better if you participate together in a weekend program that includes work for couples, such as the programs offered by Rachel’s Vineyard. It may also be helpful for both of you to read some more on how abortion can impact men.

    You are in our prayers.

    Do not give up hope. Do not despair. Healing can and will happen if you open yourself to it and are willing to look at yourselves fearlessly within the safe environment of people who have been there and want to help you through, too.

    by EI on Jun 4, 2012 at 7:31 pm

38. my gf got pregnant back in March of this year(2012) n stayed 7weeks pregnant before you got an abortion, it was a very emotional and difficult decision but us both being 18 without jobs and our parents struggling just to keep a roof over our heads let alone support another baby, at least thats we told ourselves……
    And ever since it happened, she’e been much less loving and caring and affectionate n mostly gets annoyed n upset with me over things that never upset her before….she even told me she didnt love me the same anymore n that she didnt know why :{ whenci brought this up, the abortion, she says thats pretty much the reason she stopped loving me, but as for why, sh just says “i dont know” i even asked if it would hurt her to see me get with anonther girl “uhh idk maybe idk” if she loved me so much why wouldnt she just say yes it would hurt , i just wish i knew what happened :{ everything was almost perfect before it and now she doesnt even love the same :*{

    by hazeydaze on Jun 16, 2012 at 10:11 am

39. She can’t explain…and may not even understand…because it hurts too much to think about the abortion.

    The “rationale” reasons for the abortion were, and remain, the only things she has to justify a choice that cost her so much of her own growing sense of what is it is to be a woman and a mother.

    You both would benefit from participating in a post-abortion healing program, as has been recommended in previous replies.

    by EI on Jun 18, 2012 at 3:46 am

40. I had an abortion over a year and half ago… to this day my relation ship is not what it used to be. I’m not sure how to describe this but Iam almost afraid to have sex because I am petrified of this reoccurring. I do not know if this is normal because I feels very abnormal. Please let me know if anyone else out there feels this way. Or if anyone has any tips for me to patch my relationship and try to return to normalcy.

    by Chloe on Jul 14, 2012 at 3:32 am

41. i never think that having an abortion is give pressure,stress, self hate , regret and mistake that’ll always remember for my entire life untill it happen to me and my girlfriend . When the 1st time she told about it to me,we didn’t know what we suppose to do, we have no income money, no place to live ,no person to talk with about our problem and both of us are still live with our parents. after we disscuss about our future like a week we both decided to have the abortion. when the abortion time pass over she lost trust in me ever than before. i tried everything to keep on our relationship more than i ever did . But in the end we both finish our talks with anger , non-believing , problems and crying . i’m so hated myself for what i was involve with and i decide that i won’t let it never happen to us again . But no matter how i tried she still don’t believe what i’m saying , she lost her self confidence and she is thinking that she’ll not be loved by any one including me because of that abortion . i said her i’ll be her man forever and i’m sure that i want to spend the rest of my life with her . i was thought that the abortion’ll go over when it end and we’ll love again like the old time. but now ,everyday is in pain for both of us. i’ve realized my own lesson for my stupidity and my love , my plans and my minds for her won’t change forever . She still don’t understand what’s happening in my mind , its killing me and killing her thou . Please Give Some Helpful advices for my girlfriend and me . we both love each other , and i’ll never give up hoping and loving her . thanks !

    by PH on Jul 14, 2012 at 8:44 pm

42. You are not abnormal. After an abortion, many women experience difficulties with sex and fear of pregnancy and another abortion. In one survey of women who sought post-abortion counseling, 58% had loss of pleasure from intercourse, 47% developed an aversion to sexual intercourse or became unresponsive, 33% experienced more pain during intercourse, and 49% had greater fear of becoming pregnant again when waiting for each period to begin.

    There is help, however. We encourage you to read our page with tips and resources for finding a post-abortion healing program near you.

    by EI on Jul 16, 2012 at 7:40 pm

43. You should both seek post-abortion counseling from a counselor trained in post-abortion issues–not just any counselor, but rather from someone trained in this area of specialty, and most likely someone who has been through this herself or himself.

    There are groups for men, also.

    Even if she will not seek help, you should seek counseling for yourself. Perhaps as you work through healing, some of it will rub off on her and she will then pursue it later. Encourage her to get help, but do not wait for her if she doesn’t. Get help for yourself as soon as possible.

    Learn more about finding and picking a post-abortion healing program near you here: http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/

    by EI on Jul 16, 2012 at 8:13 pm

44. Thanks !

    by PH on Jul 17, 2012 at 3:32 pm

45. Hi I just thought I’d seeik advice
    I recently had an abortion 2 months ago and was a bit excited but scared at the same time about being a mommy again with a person i love.
    I am no married but have a boyfriend and we have been dating for about a year I gave him the news and it seemed that he was excited at first but as the weeks went by and i attended my doctor visits for the baby he seemed to be distancing himself I remember every sunday I’d get alerts on my phone updatiing me on our babys development and one sunday he didnt give me any response when i said “babe the babys 5weeks today” very excited all I got was a pathetic fake grin and no words…
    we later talked I questioned why he didnt seem to excited or why he wouldnt make an effort to come with me to the doctors appointments and he just always said he could get time off of work. the conversation then turned to him asking if we were ready to have the child when the past few weeks he had been “happy” or so I thought …I said I didnt know but that I wanted my baby ..
    he brought my daughter up from a previous relationship and how it would be harder and how we have to focus on her and getting our future settled..
    and we left it at that
    days passed morning sickness moodiness and all the symptoms the beauty of motherhood goes with were a daily reminder of that little seed trying to make itself
    know…he couldnt handle my mood swings and fights started to occur …
    he never said no we are not having it but never said yes either…
    mre days passed and i knew with time passing and my child growing it would only be harder.so i asked him what we were doing .. he said he didnt know that he was confused that he didnt know what the right decision
    was …but i knew he wasnt up for it.. so i scheduled a visit to an abortion clinic and he took me got off of work early to take e to my appointment i must have been about 9 weeks..
    theywere suppose to give me a pill to stop the pregnancy but my insurance didnt cover it so they gave me temporary insurance and also advised that the pills werent recommended if id be working because of the heavy bleeding .. so i chose the sergical procedure..made an appointment for the following sunday told him and not another word was said he asked if i needed money and i said no.. id cry every night
    i knew i wanted my baby but i also knew that keeping him would be difficult without his father and since i have been a single mother to my 5year old daugter
    the thought of having 2 children fatherless broke my heart and fear took over pushing me into abortion as i knew my boyfriend wasnt ready…i cried everynight until that sunday isolated myself had anger towards my partner and shame upon myself grew the thought crossed my mind that i wasnt woman enough to keep my child …that the love for his father was stronger
    that sunday came woke up cried put pjs on cried the whole time i filled out paper work at the clinic and all there was was silence between my boyfriend and I 4 hours later it was done and i was in the recovery room not too much longer did the sense of regret fill my heart..
    anger as soon as i saw him as well
    he asked if i was okay all i replied was yes bluntly…
    later that evening we faught verbally and i poured out with anger and emotions since he didnt try or even attempt to grieve with me or show support … i said i hope ur happy
    alot more was said
    daily fights occur now i go to church and pray that our relationship will see brightbut days but 2mons laters its only gotten worse we have drifted apart sadly we fight and argue sexual relaitions dont even occur anymore…
    we had the most amazing relationship perfect until then
    and i just wish i knew how to make it better
    i have been having sleepless nights thoughts of ending the relationship.. but im scared i feel i will only make the pain greater by leaving please help

    by Destiny on Aug 20, 2012 at 8:07 am

46. Dear Destiny,

    I’m so sorry to hear what you have gone through. It is unfortunately so common that the anxieties about the future end up in people falling into this terrible trap. Your boyfriend was trying, at least half heartedly, to show that he was willing to stand by you if you had the baby, but his own fears and anxieties prevented him from embracing the excitement and joys of being a father . . . and so he subconsciously or intentionally showed you his reservations and fears and doubts and on some level hoped you would decide on the abortion (and not him, so that he could shirk moral responsibility for it and push that off on you, too.) And your own anxieties about what would happen if he did leave you also began to play on you until you felt you had no choice . . . even though every maternal instinct in you was to just be happy and enjoy having your and his child.

    It breaks my heart that you were unable to find the support and encouragement…and perhaps the relationship counseling you needed…to prevent this tragedy.

    But that’s all water under the bridge. Looking forward, you really need the support of a post-abortion healing program. Many offer programs for men too, and at least one, Rachel’s Vineyard, offers a program in the form of a weekend retreat where they encourage both women and men to go as a couple. If there is any way to save your relationship, and even to use this experience to better understand each other and deepen the relationship, I think it will come about by the two of you working together through the grief and forgiveness process. While you should definitely take care of yourself and work through healing with a post-abortion counselor even if he refuses, I’d encourage you to not only invite him to do it with you but ask him to do so for both you and your relationship.

    You are in our prayers.

    by EI on Aug 24, 2012 at 5:46 pm

47. I really need some good advice,
    My girlfriend and I have been together for a year now and love each other like crazy. We both work in oil and gas she just got her welding ticket and I’m a third year apprentice pipe fitter. We work away a lot but are always on the same project we do everything together even have matching heart tattoos and had plans to get married and buy a house.Around 4 months ago we found out she was 3 weeks pregnant we both did not expect this and both made the decision that it would be best to get rid of it because we are only 23 and want to get our life’s set up first.Everything was fine I decided to go on night shift for 24 days for extra cash and she stayed on days we never sore each other by still talked on the phone everything was still good. Half way into the shift she went back home for her cousins wedding as planned I didn’t go as I was trying to get some extra cash to put towards a house. 2 days ago when she got back to work she had a melt down on the phone to me about how she was so upset. I took today off to sort it out but she was a mess wouldn’t let me touch her wouldn’t stop crying said how this was the biggest mistake of her life and how I am some what responsible. We did agree to see a councilor on Friday but she left to stay at a friends place and wants to go on a break till its all sorted, said she feels so lonely and if she hates her self how could she love me and it be totally unfair on me. I tried talking her out of it but she keeps pushing me away. I really don’t know what to do this girl is my life and I couldn’t imagen living without her I want her to be happy what do I ??

    by Daniel on Sep 5, 2012 at 9:45 am

48. If I understand your story correctly, Daniel, she had the abortion a couple months ago and for a while seemed to be dealing with it alright until she recently had what appears to be an emotional melt down and is not distancing herself from you. If so, here are my thoughts . . .

    First, she may well have been struggling with the abortion even during the months she seemed to be doing okay. But she was trying to put on a strong face and at least to pretend things were normal. It’s also possible that something else simply triggered the pent up grief.

    It is good that she has agreed to see a counselor with you. If you don’t make any progress, and you might not because many counselor’s have no training regarding post-abortion grief issues and may even be “programmed” do ignore the abortion as much as possible and to shift the session to other issues like your relationship or her issues with parents, et cetera. If the two of you don’t see progress, I strongly encourage you to read our tips and resources on finding a post-abortion healing program.

    Try to examine your own heart for feelings of grief, loss, and guilt and be prepared to share these with her. Grieving together is healing. If she is grieving and perceives you as just fine with the abortion, that’s not very comforting and will make you appear even farther away from where she is emotionally.

    I understand that from a practical, logical view, it made sense to not have a baby at this time. But abortion does not simply turn back the clock and put things back the way they were before she became pregnant with your child. Once she was pregnant, she was already a mother and you were already a father. The only question before you was whether you would be parents of a child that would be born and loved or a child that would be aborted . . . and perhaps with some effort, forgotten. Abortion is not a time machine. It is a real experience, and for many women, and even many men, a traumatic one. It can dramatically change how one sees oneself as good or bad, moral or immoral, brave or cowardly, paternal or selfish . . .

    It can be a profound, life shattering experience, both literally and figuratively.

    I don’t know if you are a religious person, but even if you’re not, now might be a good time to pray about this. Pray for the grace to share her sorrow so that she doesn’t have to grieve alone. Pray for the grace to be truly repentant. Pray for the grace to be honestly able to tell her that you are sorry you weren’t brave and loving and committed enough to have said, “Let’s do this! Being the father of your child, our child, is the best thing that could ever happen to me.” Instead, you bought into the lie that anyone can ever “get ready” to have a child and were more worried about earning more money to have more things and more security instead of trusting that all good things would come in the proportion you need them as long as you kept open hearts of love . . . so open they could rejoice and embrace a new child in the world who was a gift to both of you that would have increased your love for each other . . . but you blew it. And she did, too. But if you want to help her, you need to accept and tell her that you blame yourself more. You should have been a leader, a protector, a provider, a cheerleader giving her the encouragement she needed to have confidence that it would have all worked out and that you were going to always be there for her and your child. But you blew it. You weren’t the man you wanted to be and now she is suffering because of it, and you have both lost the precious, irreplaceable gift of your child. God willing, if your relationship survives this, maybe you can have other children someday. But none will replace this child, who even in his or her passing has taught you valuable lessons about authentic love and how a real man, real lover, real father should embrace and protect the lives entrusted to his care.

    Re-read what I’ve written again and again. Open your heart to your own responsibility and grief. The best hope you and she have of not only repairing but even of deepening your relationship is for you to catch up and share her grief. As your tears mix, as you learn from your mistakes together, you may help each other to heal and grow together.

    You are both in our prayers.

    by EI on Sep 5, 2012 at 4:30 pm

49. My girlfriend found out she was pregnant 2 months ago. I was very excited but she was sad. She first wanted another child but changed her mind sometime after she found out she was pregnant. She said she couldn’t afford to take care of another child by herself. Her first child is not mine but I treated her as such. I told her I wouldn’t abandon her and with both of us working there shouldn’t be any problems. Anyway she told me later she was going to have an abortion. I was terrified at this thought. I begged and pleaded to her not to do this because it would devastate me. A few weeks later I noticed she wouldn’t talk to me. I confronted her and she admitted she just had the abortion. I almost passed out.
    A few weeks later I started to get depressed and guilty. She became angry with me and said that her getting pregnant and getting an abortion was all my fault. That everything was premeditated by me. Even though I resented her I still tried to support her through her grief. I didn’t abandon her. I became sucicidal and started going to therapy. She broke up with me recently because of the anger she had toward me. To this day I don’t understand why she feels that it’s all my fault.

    by Art on Sep 8, 2012 at 5:30 pm

50. Dear Art,

    My prayers are with you as you go through this very bad time. I’m glad you are seeing a therapist to help with your grief and suicidal thoughts. The break up obviously makes things harder for you. But do not despair. In time you will find healing. A resource that might be helpful for you is Men and Abortion: A Path to Healing by C.T. Coyle.

    Why does she blame you? Because it is easier to blame others than to look at one’s own faults and responsibility. Sadly, it is so common and human. For whatever reason, she was scared of keeping the baby and blamed you that, even though you wanted the child and were willing to support her and your child, whatever you were offering was “not enough” to make the idea of keeping the baby attractive. On some level, she felt she “had no choice” but to have the abortion and so did it over your objections and is mad at you (ignoring her own participation) that she got pregnant in the first place and was therefore “forced” to make a decision that she was not to happy with herself. It is likely she is already facing grief and guilt but is trying to push past it and is also mad at you for you feeling grief and guilt — which reminds her of the grief and guilt she’s trying to push down and ignore. As time goes on, she is likely to continue to have negative feelings associated with the abortion that will pop up. Even seeing you is a reminder of her unresolved issues, and so likely triggers avoidance behavior. Avoiding you is a way to avoid thinking about the abortion.

    I wish I could offer some solution. But the only thing you can do is to give her space and pray for her healing just as you try to work through your own. There is very little that you can do for her when she is turned away in this way. Take care of your own emotional and spiritual healing so you can learn from this experience and use it to help you be a better man, husband, lover, and father in the future.

    by EI on Sep 8, 2012 at 7:42 pm

51. Me and my boyfriend just had an abortion today and throughout the whole process, he has been the one saying why we cant keep the baby I already have a child she is 8y/o he is younger than me and have no children so I thought he would be opposite. We used to always talk about what ifs if that ever happened which we both agreed to have an abortion but I never thought it would really happen we have been together for about 10mths so he said thats too soon to have one together. I have been crying since I found out I was prego so now I have no baby in me anymore and he hasnt been emotional at all he just cares about his xbox system. Is our relationship saveable or should I just take this as a lesson and leave now before we go any further. Help me please. P.S. I would have kept the baby if he decided we can try to make this work financially.

    by jennifer on Sep 14, 2012 at 3:18 am

52. Jennifer, I am so sorry for what you have been through. I would definitely suggest getting in touch with someone who is a counselor or trained to offer support to you at this time. They may be able to help you work through some of the questions you are having about your relationship and the whole experience you have been through. You can find links to some organizations that offer free and confidential help on our healing page at http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/. Many are run by women who have been through this themselves so you can be sure that they will understand what you are going through. Please read the whole page for other information about the best way to find help, what to expect, questions to ask, etc. I hope you will check this out.

    by Amy at Elliot Institute on Sep 14, 2012 at 9:14 pm

53. Hello guys I came on this website seeking emotional support and have been both encouraged and saddened by some of the things i have read here. My fiancé has also had an abortion but the thing is she has two kids with different fathers who aren’t mine a 5 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. I help support her with those kids and I look treat them as if they were my own and also before we gotten together we were really good friends and dated for a little bit and also i had testicular cancer at age 20 and having survived that and having to preserve sperm because there may have a change i could of not be able to produce children.

    Im 23 and i work part time and go to school full and we found out she was pregnant back in march she was scared and right away brought up abortion obviously i was against the idea i was completely surprised because two n half years after cancer i thought it was a miracle because i was afraid i shouldn’t be able to produce children. I explained all this to her and begged and pleaded that she not go forward with the abortion she felt we weren’t finally ready but i had my family support her other children fathers dont help her and there families don’t help much but it was different with me my dad and mother divorced years ago but they are both stable my dad an attorney and my mom a part business owner of a grass company i spoke to them had them call her and tell her they would help in any way they didnt approve of me dating her because they felt being responsible for two kids isn’t ideal and i wasn’t ready for that but they were willing to help.

    Despite all of this she still had an abortion i was devastated by this and she kicked me off before the abortion and after the abortion i came back i supported her gave her comfort cared for her and her kids while she was in pain.

    Now fast forward 7 months later and i am still having lots of issues with her decision it left me feeling resentful, bitter, anger, betrayal, i basically gave up my single life and against my family wishes got with her and supported and loved her and her kids and she goes out and do this even though i proved her her i can be a good father by how i treat her kids and my family would of help support her. Our relationship has been in shambles since the abortion and i am trying to make it work but its hard to forgive and the more she speaks of her dead beat baby fathers the more angry i get.

    She said she wants to be marry first do it the right, i was willing to get married what ever i can do save my child life and she did it anyway.

    I don’t know what to do i love her i love her kids but i am on the brink of breaking up with her and moving on so i can grieve and find it in my heart to forgive her. I am coming on here as a last ditch effort to save this relationship, i don’t know what else to do

    by Jason on Oct 21, 2012 at 5:09 pm

54. Dear Jason,

    I’m very sorry for you . . . both of you. Clearly, you tried to show her you were going to be there for her and your child, but some fear in her was greater than her trust in you. No doubt, part of it was due to her past relationships. It is also understandable that her aborting your child, despite all you did to try to convince her otherwise, is and continues to be a big hurt in your life.

    You both need counseling to work through this. Perhaps some individual counseling. Perhaps some counseling together. One post-abortion program that offers an opportunity for couples to go through a post-abortion program together is Rachel’s Vineyard. I’d suggest you read our page of tips on post-abortion healing and resources.

    It is not unreasonable for you to tell her that you want to marry her, but you are too worried that all of these issues relating to the abortion of your child eventually coming between you and that you want her to agree to go through counseling individually or with her until you can work through the grief and hurts together. Explain that you want to love and forgive her, but you need help and you need to see that she’s working through these things with you. If you can work through this together now, it speaks well for how you can work through other issues together in the future. But if she refuses you on this request, just as she refused you on the request to marry and give birth to your child, before, it does not bode well for your long term success in your relationship.

    You’re a good man, Jason. Clearly, you are doing your best to show your love for her. But some distance may be necessary to help her recognize that if she wants to keep you, she needs to recognize how badly she hurt you and your family.

    You are in our prayers.

    by EI on Oct 21, 2012 at 11:35 pm

55. I had an abortion 4 weeks ago. Before I made my decision I did a lot of research about the procedure and whether or not I’d regret my decision after. I was on the fence about the whole situation because I’ve always wanted to be a mother and I love children so much. Before I fell pregnant my bf (then) disrespected me and treated me like crap. He used me call me names and he just vilified me every opportunity he got because he had money and cars. He would call me names in front of his friends and they would often ask me how I put up with it.
    I hated it because material wealth doesn’t move me and I tried to love him anyway.

    Two months down the line I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant. I told my bf about it, he was “happy” but showed no effort as a father-to-be. I was confused because he always said he would love to be a father. But when I asked him for support the only thing he said was “relax and respect yourself you’ll get enough money” it hurt so much because it felt like our baby was a transaction or a business deal. I wanted him to be there physically and emotionally but a month would pass without him coming to visit me even though he lived 20 mins away. I begged him to come to appointments with me so he could hear the baby’s heartbeat but told me he was busy.

    All the things that he did to me before falling pregnant started to haunt me and I kept on fearing that he’d do the same to our baby because he is unstable. I was worried and fell ill because I grew up without a father and my mom raised me on a shoestring budget. I was afraid that history would repeat itself. It was hellish.

    I went ahead and booked my appointment for the abortion. I told him I was going to do it and he said “thou shalt not kill…that baby is innocent and if you kill my baby you will never conceive again and don’t call me ever”. That drove me insane and I had the abortion. I tried to reach out to him after the procedure but he just laughed at me (if you know the evil chuckle). I was mortified.

    I thought I would be relieved after because I had escaped him but no I just can’t describe the grief my body went through. I keep on getting flashbacks of my ultrasounds and how big my angel had gotten. I regret my decision because I panicked and wish I had waited a little bit longer. I also used my best friend’s abortion as a benchmark but I was wrong because our situations weren’t similar. My other friend tried to talk me out of it but I wouldn’t listen because I wanted my bf’s support not his. The whole situation made me re-evaluate the whole relationship. I’ve also just found out that his ex gf that he lied about being broken up with is pregnant. It kicks like a mule but I am now closer to God than I’ve ever been. I kneel and pray to him for comfort and he has done wonders and just keeps on blessing me. I thought I would suffer or die but he is healing me everyday.

    I don’t like playing victim and don’t even want to blame anyone for what I did because ultimately the decision was mine. I’m learning to live with my mistakes everyday. We have to hold on and not give up faith in order to see how the story ends. I wish I could have my baby back but I can’t. Abortion is not a joke. If you are thinking about it please please reconsider. If you have done it don’t do it ever again

    by Yola on Nov 5, 2012 at 6:58 pm

56. Dear Yola,

    I’m very sorry to hear what you have gone through, but also glad to her that you are turning to God in prayer. He will help you to both heal and learn from this experience. I strongly encourage you to read our tips on finding a post-abortion healing program. While you can make significant progress by yourself, I’m confident that the help and understanding of others will help you even more.

    You are in our prayers.

    by EI on Nov 5, 2012 at 7:19 pm

57. I Came across your web site after my wife left a couple a weeks ago.
    Last year in China we was expecting are second child,we talked about having the baby and we decided to have an abortion.At the time i remember asking my wife are you sure you will hate if you do.She said she would not and she was sure.
    Fast forward to here in Cebu(my wife is a filipaina) couple of months ago my wife told me what she had been carry around since we meet for years ago.This was only when she left to go back to her home city.As it was the past i said leave where it is and come home.Which she/we did however out of the blue she packs her bags and goes home the next day.This after a normal day off with me and are daughter had family pictures taken then by the late afternoon she packs her bags and goes.
    She tell me she needs to go because she need to earn her own money this i did not understand as she could have done this here.
    Turns out that she/we have not had closure after the abortion,.We never talked about her feeling not once,i for a much as I love my wife did not know what to say or do,and she never said anything at all.
    since the abortion noticeable this year she had grown distant from me would do thing to avoid
    Thing I just was not there for my wife acted more like a boyfriend not a loving husband/father of are beautiful daughter.
    Even before this dream what the little boy/girl would be like.time to time always asked myself what it would be like to have a boy after 3 girls.
    How can i make right what i put wrong.How do I give back to my wife herself.And mend are family
    Any advice.

    by keith christie on Nov 19, 2012 at 10:54 am

58. You and she should both find and participate in a post-abortion healing program. Here are tips on what to look for and how to find one. I’m not sure what is available in Cebu or the Philippines. You may have to travel. You may also need to contact some churches and ask if they know of any programs. Many Catholic dioceses have post-abortion healing programs. You might also find a number of books on post-abortion healing.

    Perhaps the most important thing to do is to start grieving together. Break the silence. Apologize to her and tell her how much you are hurting both because of her hurt and because of the loss of your child. Pray together and ask God to help you name your child and each of you can write a note of love and apology to the child. Then perhaps you can find some other way to memorialize the child and your loss. All of this will help to make the grief process more real . . . like when burying a loved one. It is best to find a post-abortion healing group that can help both of you through this process. But you can do it. Don’t give up hope. Be open to sharing your concern, love, and grief and your promise to be with her as she works through it all, too.

    You and your wife and children are in our prayers.

    by EI on Nov 19, 2012 at 3:54 pm

59. Hiya El,
    Thanks no grieving taken place however seems like she moved onto life without me.is normal that she can been in love with me lost and than next day no feeling.Trying to understand if what she says all linked with the abortion.
    moving out,wanting to do things by herself..etc..

    by keith christie on Nov 21, 2012 at 8:19 am

60. I’m sorry to hear that she has moved out. I pray that with time her heart will heal and soften toward you. I’m sure that she does still have feelings for you, but they are mixed and overcome by her own ache which she is trying to cover over by hardening her heart and “creating a new life” for herself . . . which requires pretending that her old life doesn’t matter any more. Hang in there. Be as loving and patient as you can be. Deepen your patience with prayer for her and your children. Even if she won’t participate, I would still encourage you to go through a post-abortion healing program to help you both with the loss of the abortion, in understanding her, and for help dealing with the grief associated with your broken marriage.

    by EI on Nov 21, 2012 at 7:17 pm

61. Me and my girlfriend have known each other since elementary school but it was almost a decade before we were reunited as a couple. We are both college graduates. I’m 27 and shes 26. I have a steady job but not in my ideal career path. Shes unemployed right now. We considered moving. She was in a very serious relationship about a year ago. We’ve been together about 5 months. I am in love with her. Supposedly she loves me too but after finding out shes pregnant she is seeking an abortion. Shes adamant about it because of emotional duress she anticipates (she thinks having a baby will make her depressed) and financial worries due to her not working. Also she wants to continue on to grad school I think. I am kind of at a loss. I told her I was against it, I am ready to be a father. Out of love I am going to support her decision but biting my tongue all the way. Plus she asked me to help pay for it. I feel numb to all of this at this point and I think NOT having the baby will destroy us. I already feel regardless of how stressed out and depressed she feels now, it will only be worse. Since she was clinically depressed she was taking meds for it up until finding out about the pregnancy. I know this is a factor, but I still think everything will be ok… it may, it may not but I’m willing to deal with it. My mom is for the birth. Her mom is too. I feel rejected, confused, angry, sterile… like a sperm donor that is about to be cast out. Is it possible someone can love me and do this to our unborn child…?

    by Guy on Dec 2, 2012 at 2:35 am

62. Hi Guy,

    To answer your last question, yes, it is possible for her to love you and still be so afraid of having your baby that she would have an abortion.

    You are also right, however, that your relationship has the best chance of surviving in the future if she changes her mind and has the child. Having an abortion will almost surely doom your relationship.

    You are also right that if she does have an abortion, it is far more likely to make her depression worse, not better. In the long run, having a child is more likely to help reduce the recurrence of depression. Abortion is more likely to make it worse. As you will also see on our web site, abortion is also more likely to lead to suicidal behaviors, especially for women with risk factors for more severe psychological problems associated with abortion…which are in abundance in her case.

    You are right to try to show love to her even if she refuses to cancel the abortion. You shouldn’t use withholding love as a threat. On the other hand, it is quite fair to express your concern that your relationship won’t survive the abortion, and the grief it will cause you (and her, even if she doesn’t realize it yet) may not make it possible for you to build a healthy relationship.

    Regarding her request that you help pay for the abortion, your moral obligation is clear. You should not. Nor should you even take her to the abortion clinic. You should do nothing to help contribute to an act which you believe to be the killing of your own child. Such an act of culpability will only make you feel worse. And, withholding this support, may finally get through to her how strongly and deeply your are committed to protecting your child, not killing it.

    The only “support” you should promise is that even if she goes through with it, you will try to love her and try to forgive her and try to understand that she is acting out of fear and confusion. In other words, you will try to hang onto an attitude of love, not hate. But if she does go through with it, she needs to know that she is not only destroying your child, but ripping out your heart. Out of love, if all you can do is to let her rip out your heart, you will endure it as best you can. But it is foolish and unkind of her to ask you to smile and help pay for this offense against both you and your child.

    Try to convey to her that you don’t want the abortion not only because of what it will do to your child, but also because you fear what it will do to her both psychologically and physically–including increased risk to future wanted pregnancies. The risks are far greater than abortion providers admit. Ask her to pray with you about it. Ask her to trust you and trust that God has a plan. Almost no one ever regrets having their child . . . even an untimely one. Almost half of all delivered pregnancies were unplanned. But people adjust and are so happy for these unexpected blessings. By contrast, many women and men deeply regret their abortions for the rest of their lives.

    Ask her to at least go see a pregnancy help center counselor with you. There she can talk to someone who has had an abortion and get some encouragement from a trained counselor to see how things can work out for the best.

    Finally, remember that what she is most struggling with now is fear. She’s afraid of change. She is afraid of losing something, or many things, if she accepts this baby into her life. This fear may be so intense it creates feelings of despair, and having an abortion appears to be a way of taking control and preventing this loss. The big lie is that having an abortion substitutes a different loss into her life, and new feelings of despair and helplessness. If she has the child, the unknowns resolve themselves and you guys will find a way to reorder your lives with room for your child (and future children) into your lives. Having an abortion creates issues of loss and despair that are not so easily resolved. So in short, anything you can do to offset her feelings of fear and despair by your example of courage, strength, confidence, and steadfastness (in refusing to do what you know is wrong, like paying for an abortion, for example…which would be as bad as handing a gun to her if she said she wanted to commit suicide).

    You, she, and your child are in our prayers. Let us know how it turns out. Either way, you will all continue to be in our prayers.

    by EI on Dec 2, 2012 at 9:35 pm

63. I experienced an abortion 6 months ago. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. I did not want to end the pregnancy, but my boyfriend did. So after constantly arguing I made the decision to end it, partly because my boyfriend was worried about financial resources and partly because my mom said I needed to “do what’s best”. Now I find it very difficult to interact normally with my boyfriend and mom. My boyfriend doesn’t show any emotions. He says that he has to be strong because it’ll make it harder for me if he shows his hurt too. I feel like he doesn’t care. I am still grieving and it’s still very hard for me. I am worried that our relationship is going to really suffer. Sometimes I can hardly stand to look at him because of the resentment I feel, and sometimes I can’t help but to think about our baby when I see my boyfriend. I really want to keep our relationship, but I’m not sure how to heal from this and also help my boyfriend heal. Any suggestions?

    by Katelyn on Dec 16, 2012 at 2:51 am

64. With our without your boyfriend, you should read our page on finding a post-abortion healing program and find one that is right for you. You need to do this for yourself, first. You also need to do it if the relationship has any chance to survive. Hopefully, he’ll participate, too.

    His explanation that he is trying to stay strong and not show his hurt may be true. On the other hand, while he thinks its best, experience shows it is not. If the two of you are going to heal, he’ll have to open himself up to both his loss and yours so you can grieve together. He needs to understand that just as it would be rude and hurtful for him to stay “strong and distant” if your entire family was killed in an airplane crash, it is just as rude and hurtful for him to ignore the hurt you are feeling after your abortion.

    It’s likely that in part he’s using the “I need to just be strong for you and not add to your grief by showing mine” philosophy as an unconscious excuse to avoid opening up his heart to the pain that he knows is there if he looks at it too close. In that way, he can pretend that he’s being strong for you when really he’s mostly afraid of confronting and opening up to his own pain.

    You are in our prayers. Please call a post-abortion healing ministry today.

    by EI on Dec 18, 2012 at 12:44 am

65. I have been goin out with this girl for the past 7 months until she became pregnant, I wanted the baby cos its my first child but the family of the girl has a bigger say in her life, they give her advice which the girl always put to practice, at a time, the family of the girl said I must marry her and she is going to live with me, I told the family that they should give me more little time to fix my apartment in order and get some stuffs together before we start living together. The girl put alot of pressure in my head, all of a sudden she started worrying me that she does not want to feel sick again, she does not want to vommit again, that she want to be free like before. I knew where she was going, she said that she does not want the child anymore. I said ok that I will respect ur decision,her family, friends have all given her some bad ideas which I alone cannot personally change her mind. They want me to marry her immediately, I agree to be responsible for the child support if she had the baby but untill the very day, she went to a doctor for appointment, she called me and the doctor asked us to return again. The doctor asked us to pay 250 dollars- which I had 200usd in my pocket, I told the girl that I dont have more with me, if she can assist up. The elder sister of the girl promised to help with 50usd. She had the abortion, the mum was pretending not to be aware of what happened. I lost my child of 2 months. Please can someone be kind and reply back to me tru my email – obidikeao at yahoo dot com. I need somebody to console my grief, my pains, am a catholic, I live in Latin America, far away from my parents. Please God forgive me my sins, make me new. I want to find happiness in my life again- Please am hopin to hear from you all.

    by steve on Feb 4, 2013 at 2:12 pm

66. Your comment and email address have been posted. Perhaps there is someone who can give you regular advice.

    I’d also encourage you to read the articles on men and abortion here. You should also seek out a post-abortion counselor in your country. As a Catholic, you should also go to confession and ask the priest if there are any post-abortion programs that can help you process your grief. God will forgive. But being forgiven is not the same as working through the healing process. It’s an important step, of course! But it would really help you to be able to talk with a post-abortion counselor and to work through the issues you face.

    by EI on Feb 4, 2013 at 4:40 pm

67. Hello I got pregnant to a guy who I was seeing then became friends with benefits as he was a massive player for 8 months I fell hard for him and his games I was caught up in a love triangle with him and his ex girlfriend who he swore he hated just when i gave up and decided to be just friends I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant start of feb to him and at first I wanted to Keep it but he wanted an abortion so I decided it was best for the unborn child to abort as he would be in and out of childs life and i have no family close by and could effort to look after my self he was so supportive for first week calling every day and staying with me every night then 2 nights before the abortion he told he this baby has made him realize he loves and wants to be with the ex And i was being selfish abd never asked him how he felt and was sick of me crying as deep down i wanted this child so night before the abortion he told me we could no longer be friends as he has a right to be happy even if it meant being selfish and he took me to the clinic had the abortion then left me to recover by myself at my home with no support from him I’ve tried to teach out only for him to say I’m done with you and to let him be not only am I feeling so much guilt and regret I lost a friend I thought that cared for me who told me I’m being dramatic and to get over the abortion

    by Jade on Feb 22, 2013 at 7:54 am

68. Jade, I’m very sorry to hear what you have been through. Please don’t just bury your hurt. Doing so will hurt you and will also set you up for being hurt the same way again in the future. Please call one of the post-abortion help lines listed here. You need to find a good adviser and friend who has been through a situation like yours and is also trained in post-abortion counseling.

    You are in our prayers.

    by EI on Feb 22, 2013 at 8:36 pm

69. im a few weeks pregnant and when my boyfriend found out, he said right away that he doesnt want the baby. he told me that he’s not yet ready especially that neither one of our families know about our relationship yet.
    i feel sad because after this he already kept his distance and told me already that he doesnt know if we’ll still be together soon.
    i feel devastated because i feel that im not only losing our baby but i’ll lose my bf too.

    by GoP on Apr 1, 2013 at 6:35 pm

70. What you are going through is very common. The lack of support and feeling you may lose your boyfriend is heartbreaking. All I can tell you is that literally millions of women who have been in the same boat and chosen abortion because of it would give anything to have made a different decision.

    Don’t let your fear of losing him, or even your fear of being a single parent, lead you into a decision you will forever regret and blame yourself for.

    Please check out the pregnancy resource centers that can help you through this crisis.

    Ironically, if this is a guy worth having in your life, having your baby, despite his objections, may change his heart. If not, your better off without him anyway. But you won’t be better off without your child. It may be hard to see now, but your child will be a blessing to both of you. Virtually no one ever regrets having had their children, even when they were unplanned or “unwanted.” But regrets over an abortion are common, long lasting, and can never be fully repaired.

    Be strong. Be confident. Stand up for yourself and your baby. You will find friends and resources to help you through pregnancy help centers near you.

    by EI on Apr 1, 2013 at 7:17 pm

71. Oh, a couple more things. Before you talk yourself into having an abortion, much less let anyone else convince you to do so, Please see “Identifying High Risk Abortion Patients” or “Abortion decisions and the duty to screen: clinical, ethical, and legal implications of predictive risk factors of post-abortion maladjustment“ for a more complete list of risk factors, including citations to the studies identifying each risk factor. You should also read our page summarizing studies related to the psychological and physical risks of abortion.

    by EI on Apr 1, 2013 at 7:21 pm

72. Hi it’s an anonymous girl I have a problem I was a young when I had
    My abortion family told me not do occasionally I would B thrown out my home pregnant in the cold….. I wanted the baby I prayed every night and told myself never to let it go but my bf had t spoke in months I thought he abandoned me and I felt played I. Went to his house and thought he gave me the wrong address it was like love at first sight tho we were so happy until he called me out the blue and told me he would call the cops on me because he was 16 so I yahoo d it and asked people was it normal me being 20 n all everyone said I was going to jail just everybody was pointing. Me in 3 different dire toons now be wants go work out the relationship what should I do???

    by Damy on Apr 6, 2013 at 7:49 pm

73. If you are still pregnant, please contact a pregnancy help center.

    If you had an abortion, please read our tips and suggestions on finding help after an abortion.

    Even though he doesn’t want to see you, that doesn’t mean you should have an abortion. Nor does it necessarily mean you would be in any legal trouble if he accused you of being too old to have sex with him, especially if he misled you about his age. You would need to talk to a lawyer, but I find it hard to believe that any judge or jury would punish you with jail time, nor would it effect his obligation to eventually pay child support. Underage laws are not often enforced, especially with a 16 year-old. In fact, I doubt that the four year difference in your ages constitute underage sex in any state . . . especially since he is over 15.

    If your asking if you should take him back after he wanted you to have an abortion, I would discourage it. If a guy doesn’t want a woman in his life when she’s pregnant, than he doesn’t really want her in his life in any permanent way. He just wants easy sex with a woman he is ready to reject as soon as “something better” becomes available. Your better off without him. Save yourself for a man who is totally and fully committed to you . . . for life.

    by EI on Apr 6, 2013 at 9:11 pm

74. I’m 17 years old and yesterday I went into hospital for the second part of my abortion. It was the worst day of my life. Two weeks after me nd my ex broke up, Ifound out I was pregnant and I knew exactly what he was gonna say, as he always went on about how girls who get pregnant and keep babies at this age are vile and stupid and I always disagreed, as my sister had my nephew when she was 18. He rang me and was really angry at me for considering keeping the baby. He kept rushing me to make a decision and because I needed more time than 2 days to make adecision, he broke all contact with me. I was for sure going to keep it until I heard people in my own house talking about me behind my back. I spoketo a few friends who have had children and they said it was best to terminate. My ex then got back inro contact with me and decided to make up a bunch of lies saying I had tricked him and told him I was on the pill when infact he knew all along I wasnt on contraception. He pressured and pressured me every single second of everyday sayong that he wanted to committ suicide and I was ruining everyones lives around me, so I gave in and booked an abortion. Everyone was suddenly proud of me for making the ‘righr decision’ except for me. I took the first pill onwednesday by myself in the hospital and guilt oozed out of me as I walked out with my head in my hands. But yesterday when I went for the second part, my ex and my best friend came with me where we spent 7 hours in the hospital. At 1:30pm I saw my baby come out of me. He/she just led there lifeless infront of me. I stared for about 5 minutesas I noticed that he or she had arms, fingers, a head and pupils. I had no dea that it would blook so human and have formed so much. The world closed in on me and I stared in amazment in tears and realised what I had done. Before the abortion appointment my ex was being really supportive depsite my horrific mood swings, but when it was all over he just went blank, he won’t make 5 minutes tto talk to me or support me and it doesn’t seem like he cares that our child is just gone and we will neer get him or her bavk. He says I’m attention seeking when I say I need support and doesn’t seem to understand that this is really painful for me even if it isn’t affecting him.for some sick Reason. I hate myself for killing my baby and iwill never forgive myself for letting people pressure me. I will never forget my little angel, I’ll love you forever and I’m sososo sorry. How dobi get my ex to understand that I need his support? No one understands the pain.

    by tasha on May 24, 2013 at 1:04 am

75. Dear Tasha,

    Our hearts and prayers go out to you through all that you are suffering.

    I understand the guilt and shame you feel for giving into all the pressure from your ex and family, and even the friends who reassured you that abortion was the “right choice.”

    I strongly encourage you to seek support not from your boyfriend but rather from women at a post-abortion healing ministry who have been where you are. Please read our page on finding a post-abortion healing ministry and find someone you can talk with. It may take a some time to get past the immediacy of your trauma, but at the right time you should then participate in a healing program . . . and stick with it. Until then, at least talk to someone there and know that you can call her anytime you need some support and understanding.

    Regarding your last question, how do you get your ex to understand that you need his support? You can’t. Especially right now. He’s built up defensive walls around this whole abortion issue. Long before you even became pregnant, he had steeled himself to ignore the baby and the feelings of any girl he got pregnant because “getting rid of it” was the “practical” thing to do because it would get him off the hook for any responsibility to the baby or you (or any other girl). That’s why he pushed so hard and was manipulative.

    If he saw your aborted baby with you, he’s traumatized, too, which is putting him into even a higher level of denial. Even if he didn’t see it, and he has just heard you talk about it and is seeing your grief . . . that provokes denial, too. He doesn’t want to . . . and maybe can’t handle . . . the realization that his selfish demands and manipulations have done this much damage to you . . . much less if he too saw that the baby was truly a baby, his baby, your baby, and that both of you saw how his demands had led to this tragedy.

    I’m not making excuses for his decisions. But I am offering the “excuse” that most people can’t psychologically handle what he and you have been through without either breaking down or building up huge defense mechanisms. For you, it’s breaking down into tears and grief. He’s deathly afraid of giving into grief because that would require also admitting his guilt in pushing for the abortion . . . and more. So he’s distancing himself from you, and is very likely to bury himself in other activities, or drinking, or carousing, or anything else to get away from what he doesn’t want to think about.

    One day, all of his defense mechanisms will collapse. Then he will grieve and feel guilty. Maybe, but not usually, he may even come back to tell you how sorry he has become. Pray for him. Pray that someday he will have the strength, the courage, and the humility to face the truth and find the healing which you are now seeking. But don’t expect it to come easily for him. And don’t expect him to be of any help to you anytime in the near future. His process is most likely going to go through a long stage of denial, and anything you try to do or say will just push him further into denial. Don’t look to him for much in the way of empathy and support. And most certainly, don’t get involved with him any further . . . especially sexually. Don’t let your grief become something more he can prey upon in some twisted way of “making up” to you through more sex . . . which can just lead to another pregnancy and more pressure to abort, which sadly happens all too often.

    You need to look after yourself now. And I strongly encourage you to get help and understanding from women who have been in your shoes and have been through post-abortion healing and are experienced at helping people like you on the path to healing.

    I know you feel like you will never forgive yourself. And it is certainly true you will never forget nor stop loving the child you lost. But with support and love, you can use this experience to grow into a wiser, more loving, more mature woman who will be able to forgive the younger version of herself who just lacked the wisdom and strength to resist all those pressures, just as God is willing to forgive you.

    Don’t lose hope. Grief is natural and, with help, leads to growth and healing. Let others help you. But at the same time, don’t look for that help from an ex-boyfriend who is deep in his own denial, trauma, selfishness, et cetera. At this stage, all he can do is either drag you down or further exploit you because he really doesn’t know how to do better. I feel both angry at him and sorry for him at the same time. But you can’t fix him. And it is almost certainly best for you, and him, to not have anything to do with him . . . except in the unlikely circumstance that he wants to participate in post-abortion healing program with you — even then, only assuming your counselor agrees it would be a good idea.

    You’re in our prayers, Tasha. I know it’s hard. But don’t give up hope. And do reach out to as many post-abortion healing resources as you may need.

    by EI on May 24, 2013 at 3:37 pm

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