How to Help Someone You Love Heal After An Abortion
9/19/2018
By Theresa Bonopartis
In working in post-abortion healing, we often get calls from family members or friends of those who have experienced abortion. Since the passage of Roe v Wade in 1973, over 60 million abortions have taken place in our country. We all know someone who has had an abortion.
The calls usually come in two types:
- Those who know the person they love is suffering and they want to help them, but don’t know how
- Those who do not think the abortion is impacting the person and want them to realize it. They cannot believe it would not bother someone.
Let’s try to address them both, in the hope that it will help those looking for answers.
Suffering After Abortion
It is difficult to see someone we love suffering the heart-wrenching pain of abortion. So often those who have participated in abortion believed that if they terminated their pregnancy life will go back to the way it was before they became pregnant. Sadly, they find out too late that this is not true.
Often the person experiencing the pain will feel alone and isolated. It can seem that those close to them don’t care. Once the abortion is over, it appears that they expect you to move on with your life and seem not to want to talk about. After all, this was supposed to solve the “problem,” right?
Words like, “You have to move on with your life,” or “It’s over now, you will have other children,” are often said in good faith, but are just not helpful, leaving the person feeling even worse. What often seems like the right thing for family and friends to say does not do anything to relive the pain. The problem is not that they don’t care, but that they have no idea what to say. Most often, they too have bought into the lies of abortion — believing it was the solution, or going along with it because they truly thought the person wanted the abortion and wanted to support them. So, what to do?
There is no one answer, but here are some suggestion that may help those you love:
- Listen. Yes, it can get tiring, and you can feel helpless, but it is so important to be there and allow them to process the experience and all the emotions that go along with it. Abortion can leave people filled with feelings of guilt, shame, grief and anger at themselves and others. There is a tendency to play the experience over and over and torture themselves with “would of, could of, should of” scenarios. It is important to point out that it is easy to see in retrospect and there is no way to go back, but they can move forward for healing with the right help.
- Research some materials or educational sites that acknowledge their feelings and support healing, and pass the info on to them. There are some great pamphlets and books out there that will validate their feelings, help them not feel crazy or alone, and aid them on their journey.
- Find some healing ministries, web sites or blogs to send to them. There are some wonderful ministries out there with people waiting to help them through the healing process.
- If they are severely depressed or experiencing suicidal thoughts, encourage them to seek professional help, first making sure the professional knows about post-abortion healing.
- Love them unconditionally.
- Take care of yourself and acknowledge your own loss, especially if it was your grandchild, niece or nephew, or sibling. Considering seeking counseling to help you with your own emotions and loss.
What if they say they are fine?
Often the devastation of abortion does not set in for months or even years. We have had people come forward whose abortions were over 60 years ago! It is often another event in life that awakens the sleeping dragon — like becoming pregnant, the birth of another child, having a grandchild, an illness, or even realizing the child they aborted may be the only one they will ever have.
You cannot force anyone to look at an abortion. There may be many factors stopping them, and currently, a lot of people available to help them in their denial. One only must look at recent events where women were proclaiming the joys of abortion or marching to ensure its rights at any time, for any reason, no matter what to know that this is true.
To those who would like their loved one to look, I say, pray. You cannot force someone to look at an abortion experience, and your loved one may not be psychologically or spiritually ready to face the truth honestly.
Look to make sure that your motivation is not more about your addressing your own pain about the abortion. While you should never condone the abortion, you should never condemn the woman either. Only God knows her heart and can judge her. Reassuring her of God’s love does not mean telling her the abortion was okay — it never is — but it could mean saying things like, “I’m sorry you felt like you had to make that choice.”
In truth, you do not know what’s in her heart or how she is when she is alone. She may be struggling deeply in her thoughts but puts on a front to make it seem like she is okay. Many women are terrified to look at their abortions and so rationalize and justify it it to make it okay when they know it was not. It is important for her to know that she can come to you when she is ready by not condemning her with your words, while at the same time never condoning the abortion.
Stepping forward for healing is frightening. The self-loathing that often comes from an abortion is a terrifying thing to face. The most important things you can do is pray for the person to become willing to step out for healing, trusting that God is working because He knows what they need better than you. Then, as before, take care of yourself and your own loss.
Abortion devastates many people. But, as hopeless as it may seem at times, He is there, always waiting to embrace us all with His mercy!
~~~
Theresa Bonopartis is the founder of Lumina and co-developer of Entering Canaan Ministry, which offers retreats for women, men and siblings impacted by abortion and those who aborted because of an adverse diagnosis. In addition, Lumina provides training for clergy members and mental health professionals on post abortion stress. This article originally appeared on her blog, Reclaiming Our Children, and is reprinted with permission.
Learn More
Ministering to Abortion’s “Extended Wounded”
Healing for Those Who Have Lost Siblings to Abortion
You Are Not Alone: Finding Help & Healing After Abortion
To Those Who Mourn: A Letter From Someone Who’s Been There
Are You Suffering From Post-Abortion Stress?
Find Help
Help & Healing After Abortion
Help After Abortion Worldwide
Entering Canaan Healing Retreats
Men’s Healing Page
13 thoughts on “How to Help Someone You Love Heal After An Abortion”
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We don’t understand how to talk with someone after an abortion. Your Information is very useful thanks for the sharing.
My ex girlfriend aborted my baby 13 years ago. I begged for my baby’s life. She was not confused. She knew it was a baby and not a blob of cells. She knew it was murder. There is an absolute moral difference between an underage girl who didn’t understand exactly what she was doing and a grown woman who takes her own child’s life. By definition it was premeditated.
Whenever I look for help all I can find is articles like this and I feel a deep rage. This plea to not judge women and that will help them heal. The ones who knew what they are doing deserved to be judged. They deserve to be dead. Maybe it is the difference between men and women. Men expect and deserve punishment for our murders. Women think if they feel bad enough afterwords that its basically the equivalent of having been judged and punished. In the back of their head there is still a wink and nod that they got away with it with no real repercussions. This is the moral mindset of a child not an adult.
I believe a murderer can go to the hangman’s noose with a clean conscience if they repent to God. The remorse is real because they know they are actually being held accountable. I’m a cop. I would be an immoral person to go to the family’s of murder victims and keep telling them that the truly important thing is not to judge their loved one’s killer because the killer might then feel too bad to get over the emotional trauma of murdering an innocent person. God bless Texas. God damn the murderers of children.
I am very sorry for your loss and empathize with your anger. I understand why you are focused on your ex-girlfriend’s frame of mind at the time she had the abortion. It is indeed possible that she made a cold, unfeeling decision to have an abortion even while thinking it was no different than murder. If so, you are right in concluding that the moral consequence for knowingly doing something she knew was wrong is worse than if she didn’t understand what she was doing. Also, I agree that no one should be telling you, the father of a child who was willfully aborted, that you should forget your own loss, much less that you should only be about her recovery from the ordeal. I do hope, however, that you would join me in the prayer that she really has, or will someday, come to true remorse…without a wink and a nod…but to a true ego-shattering grief and repentance for what she has done. Without repentance, there is no true healing.
I’m on some strange corner of the internet…and I agree with you 100%. I had an abortion. I was 22, I knew what I was doing, and I murdered my own kid. What the hell is wrong with me. I’m 44 now. I went through some class about healing, and that doesn’t change the fact that I’m really a monster. Who would do such a thing? A lot of people apparently, but, I don’t feel like God should forgive me, and I certainly don’t forgive myself. I honestly kind of hate myself over it. I’ve manage to be so busy that the days go by and I don’t think about it much, but, when I really take the time to think of what I want in life and how it should play out, I always feel like I really don’t deserve any kind of life when I already took someone else’s. I understand what you are saying, and you are right.
Dear Alison,
I’m very sorry for your loss and self-hatred. I pray, however, that you will someday learn to accept God’s forgiveness and to forgive yourself. For many, hanging on to grief and self-hatred is a way of remembering, and even honoring, their aborted child. Some fear that if they find emotional healing, they will have “abandoned” the memory of their child. But that’s not true. You can heal, and God wants you to heal, and your aborted child (whom you will someday embrace in the presence of God) wants you to heal, too. It is through healing that you will grow spiritually and will be able to help others in your life through your greater capacity of understanding, patience, forgiveness and good counsel.
If you have not read our tips on healing after an abortion, I pray that you will do so, and will dare to move down that difficult but rewarding path.
You are in my prayers.
Thank you for mentioning that often the devastation of abortion does not set in for months or even years. My daughter is thinking about getting an abortion, and I want to make sure I’m prepared with how to comfort her. I will definitely take your tips into consideration if my daughter does decide to go through with getting an abortion so that I can help her in her recovery process. https://abortionclinics.com/clinic-category/medical-abortion-with-methotrexate-and-misoprostol/
Dear Brooklyn, I am so sorry! Did your daughter have the abortion, or is she still considering? You sound like a good mom who wants to be there for her no matter what, and that is a wonderful thing. Whatever her current situation, she is going to need your love and support. It sounds like you recognize the pain and trauma this could cause her, so if she has not yet had an abortion, you still might be able to help empower her to avoid this. Here are some links that could help:
https://www.liveaction.org/news/10-reasons-abortion-not-answer/
https://www.liveaction.org/news/abortion-and-men-whats-a-father-to-do/ (this is a resource for fathers, but it has some good information about what you can do)
http://www.theunchoice.com/pregnancyhelp.htm
https://www.liveaction.org/news/woman-grandson-abortion-pill-regret/ (information on reversing the abortion pill, if it has only just been taken)
If she has aborted, she will need your love and help to heal — now, or down the road. Encourage her to talk about her feelings and reach out for help if she is struggling — and keep in mind that she may not be ready to talk now but will want to down the road. When she’s ready, you may want to suggest she reach out to one of the organizations listed here (there is a lot of good info on how to find support for healing as well) https://afterabortion.org/?page_id=3718.
Also, please know that you too, may have feelings of grief, loss or other emotions after the abortion about the loss of your grandchild and your daughter’s pain. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help as well to someone you trust or to one of the organizations linked above. You are involved in this too and you need to give yourself a change to grieve and to heal.
Really struggling myself and battling to give my girlfriend hope
If you haven’t seen it yet, please check out our page of tips and resources for healing.
I am at a place where nothing seems to make sense at the moment, I am frustrated and angry
I recently (nine months ago) found out that my wife is having an affair with a married Man, she subsequently fell pregnant by this man. I know this for a fact because we were not sexually active for months at the time. She then went for abortion without my knowledge and I later found out and confronted her and she admitted. She was depressed and suicidal which prompted me to book her into a mental hospital to deal with depression. I forgave her because I also had affairs before and expected her to forgive me.
I supported her through the healing process and while she was at the hospital and assured her that I still love her. I later found out that they were still continuing with the affair, I have just found out that she is pregnant again and she confirmed this after doing the pregnancy test. She wants to do an abortion again and have said it several time that she is not keeping the baby. I don’t believe in divorce and don’t want to divorce not because of the children but because I love her. I am trusting God for a restoration of our marriage but don’t know how to deal with the whole situation.
She has already had one terrible experience with abortion that contributed to depression and suicidal feelings. If she goes to see a doctor about an abortion, go with her and point this out and emphasize to her and the doctor that the abortion is more likely to cause far more harm than any good.
I encourage you to go over this list of risk factors for greater psychological problems after an abortion. As you will see, she is at high risk on several factors. In my view, any doctor who goes ahead and does an abortion on a woman with her history and risk factors is committing a grave act of reckless malpractice.
I am very sorry to hear about all the troubles in your marriage. But both of you know, as I do, that having an abortion is not going to fix your marriage. But it can make things worse. I know it’s hard for both of you. And the option of adoption, which I suggest you both consider, will also be hard. Raising the child together, you agreeing to love the child even though he or she is not your own, is also on the table. And that will be hard in it’s own way. But if you two can’t get on the same page in your efforts to restore your marriage and be truly faithful to each other, it doesn’t appear that you are ready to give the child a stable and loving home. I wish I could say otherwise. I wish I could be optimistic that the two of you will work through it all and be good parents to the child. And maybe that is possible! I pray it is. But given what you’ve told me, I think the two of you should consider adoption as an alternative. If over the next few months you both make real strides in healing your relationship, you can change your mind and keep the child. But if the relationship is still so rocky eight months from now, adoption may be best for everyone.
Here is one last bit of advice. Consider going to a [https://afterabortion.org/help-healing/#Organizations Rachel’s Vineyard post-abortion healing retreat weekend]. Miracles of healing can occur there, not only for emotional healing from a past abortion but also for relationship healing.
You are all in my prayers. Please write us again.
This post really speaks to my heart. At the same time, some of it leaves me feeling pretty hopeless. It is easy enough for me to understand why, but not so easy for me to put in words.
23 years ago, my wife and I were having a rough patch in our marriage. She had accused me of an affair, and I have to say that while her suspicions were wrong, it did look bad. There was some pretty damning evidence, and looking back, I can’t fault her for her suspicions. At the time tho, I was angry and defensive, and I handled everything wrong. In any case, she hadn’t told me yet, but I was pretty sure she was pregnant. I didn’t really connect the dots, at the time because of everything else that was going on. We lived in the country in CO, and she told me that she had an appointment in Denver, and I didn’t give it any thought. She didn’t say what it was for, but she seldom talked about her “feminine” checkups. I don’t know why it came up, but later, it could have been a few days, or maybe even a few weeks, we were having another fight, and it just became crystal clear what she had done. I didn’t know for sure, so I just demanded that she tell me about her trip to Denver. She told me what she had done, and her reasons. It was done, and there was nothing that was going to change it, so I put it in the back of my mind. I was so busy fighting for a marriage that she was so willing to let go of, that I couldn’t even think of it. I tucked it away and never told a soul for over 20 years. After that night, we never spoke of it again. It was as if it never happened, and 20 years later, it almost felt like someone elses memory. In those 20 years, I became the posterboy for all the symptoms I have since read about. I lived angry, and always on the very edge of rage. I isolated from everyone, old friends, family, parents, everyone. I was constantly depressed. I fell deep into pornography to a level that addiction doesn’t even begin to describe. Everything that I have read about the hidden effects, described me to a T. I know it was God working, and because of my addiction, I found myself on a Christian website. I was hostile to them, but there was a Pastor who started counseling me, and he gently pointed me towards Christ. He was the first person who I had ever told.
Anyways, after that, I told my wife that I was going to start attending Church. I invited her to go as well, but whatever she decided, I was committed to it. I really didn’t expect her to go, but she had seen some real change in me by then, and what I didn’t know was that she had a friend who had been trying to get her to go for about a year. We sit with her at Church almost every Sunday now. She just happened to be the mother of one of our Pastors.
Anyways, again, It was literally only a few months after we started attending and I was going thru some old paperwork and shredding most of it. I picked up an ancient yellow piece of paper, and unfolded it. I found myself staring at an ultrasound. I had never seen it before, and didn’t even know it existed. The date confirmed that it was the baby she aborted. I sat and sobbed for I don’t know how long, and then I gathered what courage I had, and took it and handed it to her. As soon as she saw it she knew what it was, and dropped it on the floor, like in the movies when someone receives bad news. I asked if she could talk about it, and she couldn’t. I just hugged her and sat with her while she cried, reverting back to me being the strong one.
I pretty much went into a tailspin after that, trying to come to terms with it myself. At first, I held out some hope that she would talk about it with me or anyone, and then that hope started turning to despair, then resentment, and finally acceptance. It isn’t an easy acceptance, because I still have questions that I can’t ask, I still grieve alone, and I find myself hiding my pain from her so she doesn’t feel accused.
I don’t know where she is in the process, but I know that she has had to face it. I have even sat next to her a few times in church when it was talked about, and watched the tears well up in her eyes, and all I can do is choke my own hurt down and hold her hand. Still, I lack the courage to even ask whether my child was a boy or a girl.
So, I do what I can to help her feel loved and forgiven. I have to believe that it is for her own good, and that my pain has some meaning. It isn’t that I am sweeping it under a rug and forgetting it, but I know how much it would hurt her if she knew, and she has her own to manage.
I agree completely with everything you stated in this post, and I have been living it out now for years, but I also know how hard it can be to wait, hoping for some relief of your own hurt.
Hello Doug, I’m so glad that you found this post, and were able to share your story and your pain. What a terrible experience for you, as well as your wife. You have been doing a good thing by trying to support her, love her, and let her know that you are there for her. At the same time, you’ve suffered too and you deserve to have your loss and pain recognized. You have lost your child in a very painful way, and you deserve the chance to grieve and to heal.
Many of the things you’ve described — anger, depression, isolation, addiction — have also been described by other men who have lost children to abortion, in both research and personal stories. I’m so glad that is is getting better, and it sounds like you are drawing strength and consolation from your faith in Christ. But at the same time, you don’t have to put your own healing on the back burner because your wife may not yet be ready to reach out for help in her pain. Finding that relief for yourself may even help her in the long run, because it can help you get rid of the some of the emotions that may still be affecting your relationship.
If you haven’t already done so, I would really encourage you to read through some of the information about men and abortion and reach out for some support. This page has a lot of resources for men, including links to support groups. Rachel’s Vineyard, an international post-abortion healing ministry, also offers a chance to connect by email with a counselor and other men who have been there. Please considering reaching out for help, so you can find the relief and healing you need — you don’t have to keep waiting all on your own.