How Abortion Can Impact a Marriage
What happens in a marriage after abortion? Is everything all better after the “problem” of pregnancy was solved? No matter what language you speak, what race or nationally you belong to, how old you are, or what religion you believe in, the answer is the same: No!
The answer is “no” because a human life has been taken. The couple’s child has died, and as in all cases involving the death of a child, the couple must eventually come to terms with their grief. Abortion grief is very much like any other grief, except that in an abortion situation, a relationship that was “bound together as one,” has now been torn in two.
Abortion was a serious wound in my own marriage–one that left a tremendous scar. Before the scarring took place, however, the wound first bled, then it seeped and oozed and bled some more. Infection set in and gangrene soon followed . . . .
The wound was ugly and painful, and it got worse before it ever got better. In order for healing to come, the wound had to be opened up and the infection scraped out. This resulted in many fights and arguments between my husband and me.
After an abortion, there first comes a stage of denial: “Go through life and pretend it never happened.” This is how the mind and body cope with what has taken place, but the human mind can’t forget that the abortion happened. It stuffs the information away into the subconscious. But it must always be dealt with later in some other, often very unpleasant, ways.
There is proven, documented evidence that tells us that women will suffer from post-abortion syndrome. They may be haunted by guilt and extreme sadness that manifest themselves in a variety of ways, including bad dreams and crying spells. These feelings will not just go away on their own. Sweeping them under the rug and having an unscathed marriage is an impossibility.
Eventually the reality of the child’s death can no longer be stuffed away in the subconscious. In my own life, I reached a stage where I was consumed by vicious, verbal anger and intense blame which I pointed directly at my husband, blaming him for the death of our child. My grief and anger so consumed me that I could only focus on it and on how lousy I felt, rather than trying to save my marriage.
I watched a documentary once about a couple that had aborted their child. The woman confessed that when she walked into the waiting room after the abortion and saw her husband, she immediately hated him. She said that if she had had a gun in her hand, she would have shot him. I never wanted to kill my husband, but I sure had a lot of angry, hateful, hostile feelings toward him.
Abortion goes beyond post-abortion syndrome that affects the woman alone. It carries over into relationships, affecting how couples feel about each other. It even affects how you parent the children you decided to have and are now trying to raise.
Marriage vows are based on the idea of loving, honoring, cherishing and respecting each other. After an abortion, love can turn to hate, honor to dishonor, respect to disrespect, and cherishing to yesterday’s newspaper.
What took an abortionist and his staff six hours to undo, took me 18 long years to put back together, both my life and my marriage. Unlike so many other stories, mine has a happy ending. With God’s help and the help of other caring Christians, our marriage and lives have been healed from the wound of abortion and it is no longer a negative issue.
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Please me I need some advice, I have been married with my wife for six years now and one time i committed adultery where I got a child and i told my wife of it. After some 2 years my wife also committed adultery and even aborted the child for another man, and she what’s us to break up but am not will and am so angery of her. Please advice me on what to do because I still love my wife because I have 2 children with her please i need your help.
Dear Lady,
You are highly valued and your fetus is equally.
Evidence shows that abortion ‘to save a relationship’ is not usually a successful choice.
More on this can be found in the chapter ‘Men, Pregnancy and Abortion’ in the recently published book, Pregnancy and Abortion Your Choice by Dr M Houghton. From: https://www.amazon.com/Pregnancy-Abortion-Dr-M-Houghton-ebook/dp/B076T48TZ8/ref=sr_1_1_twi_kin_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1533283946&sr=1-1&keywords=Pregnancy+and+abortion+your+choice+Kindle&dpID=412IlugQ%252B7L&preST=_SY445_QL70_&dpSrc=srch
May you all find peace and direction.
Sincerely
Hello, Dear Friend:
You are going through a very challenging time. And you need guidance and support, Please know that you are not alone, proved by these many many messages that you are getting. IN fact, so many exist that you may not even get to my message! But in case you do, I urge you to visit https://optionline.org/. When you get on this site, you will encounter a chat feature. You can type a message about your needs to a trained online counselor. You will find information about each of your options, And you can locate a pregnancy help center near you. You simply type in your zip code at the search box located at the top of the page. And there is more to help you. I hope this helps! Prayers for you, the baby you are carrying, and your family!
Sincerely,
Lisa DeSherlia
I can only pray that Our Lord will open your husbands heart. My own daughter aborted our first grandchild over 30 years ago and she has regretted that decision to this day. I know your circumstances are different, but the outcome will be the same.
To thine own self be true. In this case, to thine own self and your baby be true.
If he doesn’t want to share in this gift from God it’s his loss. Please stay focused on God and on your gift that you will get to name soon. God bless you and your baby.
Dear friend,
Go with your gut and keep that sweet baby. God knows and loves you and that baby. He already knows all about the future for him or her. And He wants you to be happy, not to live with regret over a choice to abort. A baby is only and always a blessing. Know that I will be keeping you in my prayers. God loves you and will take care of you, whatever the future holds for you.
My husband and I already have children… But we lost twins earlier this year. It was awful but we had been debating abortion before we lost them due to marital problems and financial and health issues in our family. It was much harder on me and our marriage was failing. We even printed out divorce papers. I ran into an ex during that time and you can guess where I’m going with this.
Now I am 6 weeks pregnant… And unsure of the father. They both know the truth and both want abortion.
My husband said he will forgive my infidelity and work on our marriage but only if I abort. I don’t want to abort but I truly want to work on my marriage if nothing else for the sake of my living children.
I don’t know how I have gotten so far lost over the years to be in this place in life now. I hate myself already and counseling isn’t helping.
I’m scared I will abort to save my marriage and because we have every reason possible to abort but only one to keep it (my heart). I’m scared my marriage will fail after due to the infidelity alone and I will hate myself even more.
I pray that you and your husband can work everything out. Every chance to save a relationship is precious, especially when their are children who will benefit from having their parents together.
But here is are the key words your husband needs to hear: “I don’t want to abort . . . I hate myself already… we have every reason possible to abort but only one to keep it (my heart).”
If he loves you (and I have every reason to believe he does), he needs to understand that any pressure on you to choose abortion or him is the opposite of love.
Please ask him to read our page on the risk factors that studies have proven predict which women will have the most severe psychological reactions to abortion.
You already know that an abortion would would your heart and fill you with a sense of loss, guilt and shame. There is nothing you can do to change that. It’s built into your nature. You can’t rationalize your way into thinking, “No big deal. Really. It’s just the rationale choice given our situation.” The head can’t overrule the heart on such things, not matter how much your husband may wish it were possible.
Also, you may ask him to read some of the testimonies of women who’ve gone through abortions and tried to live with the loss and regrets. Surely he can’t want that for you.
I know this is hard for him, too. But if he loves you, the way to show it is to step up to the plate and offer you unconditional love . . . recommitting himself to unconditionally loving you and this child (whether it is his or not) as his own. I don’t need to tell you how much that would soften your heart toward him. But it is perhaps your job to help him understand how much this will mean to you . . . if he were to soften his heart toward you and this baby, to say “Yes, to you, this baby, and all of us. I’m here for you.”
Put most harshly, it is simply wrong for him to put you in the position of choosing between your love for him and your love for your child. Your heart needs to love them both. And it is that capacity for love which he loves in you. Truly, if he thinks deeply about it, asking you to wound your heart in this way will do him no favors because then he will have a wife with a scarred heart.
Share this email with him. If he wants, we can arrange a chance for me Dr. Reardon to talk to him.
If he continues to insist on an abortion, I suggest you hold firm. Your heart is already telling you that if you go through with an abortion to save your marriage, you will actually be destroying both. Perhaps, if he is capable of truly loving you and wants to salvage your relationship, marriage, and family, he will come around later, even after the child is born, and realize that your choice to give life was the right one.
You are in my prayers.
If you like, we can share your post with our email list and you (and he) will get to see a bunch of other men and women who have been in similar circumstance encouraging you to work this out without resorting to abortion. Let me know if more advice from others is something you would welcome.
Yes please feel free to pass it along. Thank you for your reply!!
My heart is truly saddened at what you’re facing, it must seem that you are trapped. Feeling trapped causes us to make decisions we normally wouldn’t, it stirs a type of survival instinct in us and then fear sets in. It’s really fear that causes our inability to see things in the true light of the situation. Your husband seems to have his own set of fears and then there are yours. From my own experience I was never able to stand up for myself, I did what others told me, my fear was of being rejected by them. It eventually cost me the life of my son or daughter, I did what they said even when my heart was screaming NO! I suffered for many years in silence and now I choose not to be quiet, my heart is screaming No! for you, because I know the pain it will bring, the loss that can not be regained. Sweet sister, Love asks us to do the hard things, the right things, it never ever asks us to do harm. I pray that our Father in heaven bring comfort to you and restore the brokenness in you and your husband. I will continue to pray for you both, loving you both!
It’s almost guaranteed that if you have the abortion, your husband will lose respect for you and leave you anyway. Conversely, if you stand your ground, he will silently respect you for it, and when he sees the baby, if there is any decency in him, he will realize how horribly he has been toward both of you, and rise up and praise you for standing your ground.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:28-30
The Lord will give you the strength and will be a father and a husband to you during this time. With Him, you can endure 6 months of your husband acting like a jerk; it’s better than a lifetime of regret. My prayers are with you. <3
Amen to the above! I, too, pray for you, that the Lord God above will give you the wisdom & comfort you need at this time of your life. I also pray that your husband, in time, will come to see the love, the truth and the wisdom of carrying this child to term… After all, the baby in your womb is a person, a human being created by that same God… Let God decide who lives and who dies… Re your marriage: here is a link to a related article taken from http://www.afterabortion.org. Hope it helps you in making the right decision. I know in my heart that your husband will ‘melt’ at the sight of the new tiny person being born, whether it is his child or not…🙏🙏🙏🙏s of comfort, wisdom & healing for the 3 of you headed your way… God bless you and family!❤❤❤
Dear Anonymous
This is obviously a very difficult situation. We all understand you want to save your marriage and there is no question you had made a mistake with the infidelity. But please pray to God for strength to do the right thing the 2nd time around. We cannot fix a mistake/sin by making another mistake.
I pray that God will give you the strength to do what He commands, which is “thou shall not kill.” Your marriage is very important but please love the little one inside you enough to give him/her a chance to live. Try to convince your husband that you cannot do the wrong thing in order to accomplish a good goal of saving your marriage. We all need to do things according to God’s guidelines.
We all truly can imagine how difficult all this is for you. I will pray for you and your husband, and especially that God will soften his heart to see that you both need to allow this child within you to live, even though it isn’t his own child.
I am praying for you sweet daughter of God. I encourage you to pray and talk about this with our Savior, He will guide you and you will be okay no matter what happens. God forgives and so we also must forgive ourselves. But if having an abortion is something you feel you definitely can not forgive yourself for then do not do it. This is not about choice, or what is best for anyone other than the life you carry to bring into this world. No matter what the outcome, God forgives and you will be okay.
I’m sorry t hear about your losses, your children and marital difficulties.
Two things to consider to give you hope: the number of respondents who have committed to pray for you and the face-to-face help that may be in the area where you live. It may be hard to believe but you are not alone. You can contact my wife at Everlasting Light Ministries 763-560-8383. If your husband is willing, I’ll talk to him. http://www.richinmercy.org and or 1-800-745-8252 Couple-To-Couple League another resource http://www.noparh for help near you. We’ve been there and understand.
Right now, your little one has only you protecting him or her. If you decide to abort, there is no guarantee your husband will stay, but you will live with knowing that you aborted this child. If you decide to NOT abort, there is still no guarantee your husband will stay, but you WILL know that you protected the life of your child.
When I was pregnant with my first child, there were two possible fathers. I was encouraged to have an abortion. One of my friends said if she were in my situation (not knowing exactly who the father was), she would certainly have an abortion. But, thankfully, I cancelled the abortion appointment. Now my son is 39 and is one of the most gentle, loving, smart, funny people I know. And, he has given me two beautiful grandchildren! It’s truly chilling to think what I would have lost if I had listened to those around me.
I know it’s hard to imaging trying to take care of your little ones without a husband, but it most certainly can be done. Many of us are doing it. And the love your child will feel for you and show to you will make it all worth it. It may very well be that you husband will come around to loving this child, whether it is biologically his or not.
Plus, protecting the life of your children’s sibling is important to their well-being, both directly (in providing them their sibling) and indirectly (in protecting you from the remorse and guilt of having an abortion.)
I will pray for you and your family and that you have the strength to stand up to those around you who would have you abort your child.
How will you feel if you abort this baby and your husband leaves you anyway? You’re dealing with several issues here, not just infidelity and abortion. I would recommend two things to start—individual counseling for you to figure out why you cheated and to help you through your current situation. If you’re already in therapy, find a therapist who is a better fit. Also, consult a lawyer to figure out the legal stuff regarding this baby. I’m not saying get a divorce, just get information on what to expect regarding paternity, child support, etc. It doesn’t sound like you want an abortion and your marital problems won’t go away if you get one.
Aborting your baby would only compound the losses you already feel from losing your twins earlier this year. I understand how you must feel having lost children of my own both through death and divorce. I never wanted the divorce because I feared how it might affect our children as they grew up. My fears proved to be correct. Although I faithfully exercised my visitation rights for the next 10 years and managed to maintain a good relationship with them, there is no question that the divorce harmed them seriously. Talk to your husband in counseling if necessary, and urge him to join you in putting your children first, including the child in your womb. They are innocents who had nothing to do with your problems, but will be the ones to suffer if you both fail them now. I understand your pain, but bearing it well will pay you huge dividends in the future. Learn to let go and let God handle things for you. You can’t do this alone. I strongly recommend the book, “Forgiven” by Tabitha Alexander which offers a step-by-step approach to healing both from abortion and from the other trials you have endured. Tabitha had 3 abortions, then married and had three more children, plus a long journey to healing and forgiveness for both herself and others. She has also started a new 12 Step program called “Healing Anonymous.” I’m helping her as a man with 49 years in AA who had a lot of healing to do himself. You can find her book by searching “Forgiven” by Tabitha Alexander on Amazon.com. I pray that you and your husband can both find healing and forgiveness together. With God’s help, it will dramatically change your life together and bring great hope to your children. You are in my prayers.
You only need one reason not to have an abortion: that it is wrong. As someone else on this website wrote, what if you have an abortion and your husband leaves you anyway?
My sister’s husband has his own business. A young woman who worked for him became pregnant. She was very happy because she was in love with her boyfriend and was expecting him to marry her. Once day she came to work, and she was no longer pregnant. She had had an abortion because her boyfriend had talked her into it, saying that it was not the right time to have a baby. So she had an abortion to please her boyfriend, but he eventually left her anyway.
When I was expecting my 3rd child, my husband told me to “get rid of the baby” or he would leave me. I didn’t do it, and he didn’t leave me; however, I tried to leave him, but he threatened violence if I didn’t stay with him. Eventually I got a divorce because I wasn’t happy with him.
It is never right to have an abortion because of your husband or boyfriend or because others tell you that you should. If your husband loves you, he should consider your feelings.
Try to tell your husband how you feel. I’m sure if you have an abortion, you will regret it–and you might end up hating your husband. If he loves you, he should stand by you. You can still try to work on your marriage. If he leaves you–he might have left you anyway, even if you had had an abortion.
Hi Anonymous,
Both you and your husband have experienced a great deal of pain over the past year. You are both vulnerable and dealing with a lot of emotions. This can make seeing the truth clearly more difficult.
Abortion is a very destructive act, not only to the baby, but to the mother and others involved. Destructive acts never build relationships. They end up destroying them.
My abortion is the biggest regret of my life. Years of very destructive thinking and behaviors followed this decision. I thought, “I’ve done the worst thing imaginable, nothing matters anymore.” Obviously,that is a very poor platform for making subsequent decisions. It is amazing I lived. Years later, by the saving grace of Jesus, my life turned around. I now have a devoted husband, children and grandchildren.
By choosing life, you are protecting yourself from health risks and severe mental and emotional trauma. You are also protecting your husband from the resentment you would feel towards him for pushing you towards such a decision. You are also keeping him from dealing with his decision to abort, likely his own child. You are protecting your other children from having a mother dealing with ptsd. And obviously, as your maternal instinct is saying, you are protecting your precious baby.
May God bless you and lead you. If there is a crisis pregnancy center near you, please contact them.
Please, mother, protect your baby. Your baby, your tiny one can be your hope for a new life. That’s one thing sure, your baby is alive with you and can only live if you protect your baby boy, baby girl. That’s what mothers do, protect their babies.
Your baby is the only thing you can protect now, and your other children from knowing their mother killed one of them. Protect all your children. Only you can do this.
I’m with you, praying, hoping you will be mother to all your children.
The Sisters of Life would be willing to help you. They help women regardless of their religious beliefs. They have a free and confidential phone line for such situations.
In the United States: 877-777-1277 (toll free)
In Canada: 877-543-3380 (toll free)
If you prefer to email them, you can fill out the form here.
http://www.sistersoflife.org/visitation-mission-pregnancy-help
Dear Anonymous… I’m so sorry. Grieving the loss of your twins with the remorse over infidelity are compounded difficulties amidst the discovery of your new pregnancy. Abortion is never the answer. It may feel like that’s the best alternative to saving your marriage right now–don’t believe it. There is no guarantee your husband will stay. Why? Because there were obviously marital troubles that existed before your encounter with your ex. Genuine forgiveness is not conditional. The forgiveness he offers you is based on “ifs”…
Aborting your baby will not solve your marital woes.
Your marriage is being put through the fire. If your husband truly loves you…he will forgive you and want to work on your marriage. If you truly love him, you will do the same. It will take hard work and a lot of tears, but with God…nothing is impossible! Marriages such as yours have survived such a trial.
Remember: Love gives. Love forgives. Love doesn’t take. Love doesn’t kill.
Fear drives women to abort– Abortion never solves anything. It actually creates more…grief, sadness, regret, anger, depression, guilt, shame–as well as layers of relational, spiritual and mental issues.
Choosing “circumstances” over the life of your baby will leave you bankrupt and empty. Please give your baby the life she was meant to have and fulfill the plans and purposes God has for her. Marriages can be restored. Circumstances are temporary–but decisions are forever. Abortion is final–you will never get her back. You WILL grieve YOUR baby because you’ve admitted you don’t want to abort–because your mama’s heart already loves her.
You CAN have your baby. You have what it takes to the save this precious life growing in your womb. Be your baby’s lifesaver–a decision you will NEVER regret– Our greatest achievements are often attained through the greatest hardships and pain — BUT through it all, you will look back and rejoice because you CHOSE LIFE–the most precious blessing and gift you will ever receive…a child from God Himself.
Praying for you… From someone who aborted her baby 35 years ago.
So I am currently 5 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child, and my husband wants me to get an abortion because he doesn’t want it. I just can’t do it and I think this might be the final blow to our marriage.
Dear Anonymous,
First, I am so sorry you are in this situation. It’s right for you to follow your instinct that tells you that you can’t do this. Having an abortion might appease your husband, but you are the one who has to go through the abortion and live with the emotional fallout afterwards. Having an abortion against your own maternal instincts or beliefs about abortion, or because of pressure, lack of support or feeling you have no other choice, are all things that put you at higher risk for emotional problems or not being able to cope afterward. Even if your marriage is “saved” temporarily, in the long-run it is likely to breed resentment, anger and other negative feelings between you and your husband. Having an abortion to save a relationship simply doesn’t work … things are more likely to fall apart afterward than heal or stay stable.
Even if your husband is adamant right now that he doesn’t want or you can’t have this baby, that doesn’t mean he will feel this way forever. Emotions and circumstances change and many people who initially are convinced they can’t have the child change their minds later on and come to love and accept their baby. Its very common to have negative or mixed emotions and to feel overwhelmed or panicky early in pregnancy — not every pregnancy is initially seen as a joyful or exciting event. You and your husband may be facing circumstances that make him feel it would be difficult or impossible to support another child, and he may just feel overwhelmed by the prospect.
Encourage him to give you both time to adjust, to think and pray, and not make a hasty decision you might regret. Does he really want to push you into something that you don’t feel is right to do or that would make you hurt or sad? Once the abortion is completed it can’t be undone. He may see abortion as a solution to a problem, but it really isn’t. For example, if a couple already has financial or marital problems, those problems will still be there after the abortion. The only difference is they have a whole new set of negative emotions to deal with and put a further strain on their marriage.
You say your husband doesn’t want the baby — do you know what his reasons are for stating this? Often there are underlying issues or fears — financial or job issues, feeling worried about how you will support or care for another child, feeling unable to cope already, relationship struggles or many other problems. Many of these can be addressed with the help and support of others. Finally, seek other support. Do you have other family members, friends, a faith community or others who can help you through this? Make sure they are people who will respect your conviction that you can’t abort and support you (while also encouraging your husband to support you) and don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you need to have the abortion to save your marriage.
Seek out a pregnancy support group or other organization that can give you support as well. Ask your husband to go with you out of respect for you and to find out more about your options. If he won’t, call or visit yourself! These organizations offer free, non-judgemental information and resources and will work with you and your husband to address whatever obstacles you are facing. You can also contact Option Line for help ASAP, even if your husband isn’t on board yet, just so that you can get some help and advice for yourself. You can visit their site to find a local center or call their national number at 1-800-712-4357 (you can also contact them through a Live Chat or text HELPLINE to 313131.
If you are worried about the effect on your marriage of not doing what you husband wants, facing the possibility of it ending isn’t easy and I won’t pretend it is. But do you really want to give in to someone if they won’t respect your beliefs and conscience or give you the support you need? Encourage and (if you are a person who prays) pray for your husband’s heart and mind to be open to having this baby. Trust God that good will come out of this situation no matter what, even if things seem very dark, and that He will take care of you and your children if your husband won’t. In the long run, standing for what you know in your heart and saving your baby’s life will is better than living with regret and pain, even if you have to go through hardship because of it. Your child’s life is worth and YOU are worth it.
Be strong. Your husband will come to regret killing his own flesh in blood in the future. This is why God made parenting a team effort. When one parent is weak, it is up to the other parent to be strong.
I advise you not to get an abortion. You are the one who will suffer emotionally and psychologically from the abortion. Try to explain to him how you feel, and have him read how abortion affects women. If this ends your marriage, then it may have ended anyway. Or your husband may end up loving the child even more than the other two.
I was 16 and again 18 when I had my abortions. I am now 58. My husband is the babies father. We are still married, we were married the same year of the last abortion. We have three grown married children and five grandchildren now. My husband does not or ever felt any guilt or shame regarding what happened , but I do. I always have. I denied those feelings for several years,.i never told anyone about my abortions. I was too ashamed. I kept it a secret for so long, Until I could no longer kept my grief inside. I finally went through a bible study about 27 years ago, and thought I found healing. I’ve shared my experience with only a handful of friends and women who have gone through their own abortions. Recently, Again, i have been feeling a tremendous sense of guilt and shame. I’ve never told my adult children about my abortions. I don’t want them to hate me or feel I could have murdered my own children. Also, my husband has made it clear that he does not want them to ever find out. Because the babies we aborted were his as well, I feel he has a right to keep this secret. The only thing is, I feel I cannot completely heal if I’m not completely transparent. I feel like I’m lying to my children about who I really am. My husband says it’s none of their business, and why put this on them, what good will it do? I’m so conflicted. I know that God has forgiven me, but still after forty years, I have not forgiven myself. Does anyone else feel the way I do? I don’t know what to do anymore, I am feeling alone and depressed, and all I want to feel is God’s forgiveness and peace.
Dear Bonnie.
My heart and prayers go out to you.
I understand your desire to both share the full truth with your children and to respect your husband’s wishes. I’m going to give you two recommendations.
First, I suggest that you contact Theresa Bonapartis at lumina@postabortionhelp.org. She is the leader of a post-abortion ministry that I deeply respect who I know went through her own personal struggle about if and how to tell her adult children. She may be able to help you discern how to proceed.
Secondly, even though your husband does not appear to struggle with the past, perhaps he will respect your need for healing enough to be willing to attend a post-abortion recovery weekend with you. Many couples find a lot of healing and insight by participating together. He may to into it thinking he will get nothing out of it, but maybe he will. More importantly, he will at least come out of it with a better understanding of what you are facing and a better appreciation for your needs. There may be other programs for couples, but I’ve heard good things about the Rachel’s Vineyard weekend programs. You’ll find more information about them on our page of tips and resources for post-abortion healing programs.
My gut feeling is that if you can convince your husband to work with you on your healing, perhaps through a weekend retreat, he will gain new insights into you (and very likely himself) and recognize that he needs to play a role in your healing. The fact that he doesn’t want it share with your children suggests he feels more shame about it than he is willing to admit. A retreat that helps him finally confront his own loss, and how it has especially impacted you, may help to move him away from pride (the fear of his children learning about past failings) and more toward humility (the desire for his children to learn from his past failings).
You are all in my prayers.
Please pray for us. My wife wants to abort because she doesn’t trust me. I have done everything thinkable to earn it but still she doesn’t. I am so worried about her, our marraige, our future and so many things. please pray as I don’t want this.
You are all in our prayers.
I would suggest that you ask her to review the well documented risk factors that predict more severe maladjustments after an abortion. I don’t know why she doesn’t trust you. But she should be even more suspicious of any assurances the abortion providers can give her that the abortion will make anything better. It won’t. She’s opening herself, you, and any existing or future children up to far more problems.
My wife wants an abortion, I don’t. It’s tearing me up inside. I don’t know what to do or to say to change her mind.
Hi Nathan, I’m really sorry about the delay in responding to your comment. I hope and pray this information will still be of help. I don’t know the reasons she is giving for wanting the abortion, but likely underneath whatever reasons she has is a lot of fear. It’s not uncommon even for people who wanted and planned to have a child to have mixed feelings or even fear for how this will change their lives and whether they are really ready to have a child. First, you need to do whatever you can to assure her that you can work out a way around whatever obstacles you are facing, that you love her and your baby and will be there for her no matter what. Keep letting her know — and showing her in any way you can — that you will do this … if she is feeling scared about the future this might be the thing that will help change her mind.
Second, keep looking for information and resources that can help resolve this situation. Go here to read this article for men whose partners are considering abortion for some more information about what to do and how to talk with your wife. There are also links to other important information that might be of help, such as the risks to women.
Let her know that you don’t want to expose her to the potential health risks and emotional trauma of abortion, and that there is a better way that won’t harm her, your baby or your marriage. Is she aware that there are certain factors that she might have that put her at greater risk for emotional problems or trouble coping after abortion? If she has any of these factors she should seriously reconsider for her own well-being. Is she considering abortion because she is feeling pressured by others or that she has no other choice?
See if you can persuade her to visit a crisis pregnancy center for help. The counselors at these organizations can offer you other options and provide help and support in addressing whatever issues (financial, school, job, fears about being able to take care of a child, etc) your wife might have that is making her feel like she can’t have this child. She may be in a position where having a child just seems completely overwhelming and impossible, and abortion seems like the only possible path she can take. Let her know that she does have other options and that she should get all the facts and information before she makes such a life-altering decision. It may be that, even with your support, she feels like the situation will still be unworkable — knowing that she has other people in her corner who can help and a plan for the future may help.
Finally, I would suggest contacting Option Line for help ASAP, even if your wife isn’t on board yet, just so that you can get some help and advice for yourself. You can visit their site to find a local center or call their national number at 1-800-712-4357 (you can also contact them through a Live Chat or text HELPLINE to 313131.
Had a Abortion and feel Nothink but regret feel like I was pushed into it it breaks my heart can’t stop crying don’t think I will ever get back to normal again o just want to go sleep and never wake up
I am so sorry for your loss and all that you went through. It must have been so hard. Please, please know that you aren’t alone and that although you may always feel grief over this, that healing is possible. You can get to a point where you will feel better. You need and deserve to be able to acknowledge you pain, mourn your baby, and work through this experience. If you haven’t already done so, please go to our healing page and read about the kind of support that is available and how to access it. There are numerous groups where you can find counseling, the support of others who have been there and a chance to work through your experience (if you are located outside the US, send me an email at elliotinstitute@gmail.com and I’ll see if I can put you in touch with a local counseling group).
One really good source is Rachel’s Vineyard. If you aren’t ready to talk with someone in person yet, or just want to learn more about healing, their web site has personal stories, and you can also get support through email or ask questions on their Q&A page.
I hope this info does help — please don’t try to go through this on your own but reach out for help.
I felt we should keep the baby but my husband disagreed. He’s pro-choice & I was pro-life at the time. There were so many reasons not to keep the baby & only one to continue with the pregnancy. The decision was made out of fear & I hate myself for it. I hate him even more & don’t know how to get through this. I feel I should have been stronger & said no. He said it was my decision & he’d support me either way but it was clear that he didn’t want to keep it.
It seems he’s just gone on with his life & I’m in this place of deep despair. It has shattered trust, intimacy & friendship in our marriage.
I don’t know how to work through this.
I’m sorry to hear what you are going through, Caryn. There is hope and a lot of resources out there to help you, and with time, your husband, too. Please read our page of tips and resources for post-abortion healing. I would most especially encourage you to look into a Rachel’s Vineyard weekend program with the eye toward inviting your husband to go through it with you. He may not feel that he is having post-abortion issues, but for your sake it would be good for him to go through it to better understand what you are going through and in order to heal the rift it has created between you. Many couples report that it is truly a great healing process for both of them.
It is a horrible thing… my husband and i came to a decision after crying about it for a while. We held each other crying… after it was done i pretended it didn’t happen for a week. He seemed more upset after than i was at first.. i felt so relived because my morning sickness was gone. I felt revived. Then it hit me. I was never the same after. I have dreams that i am pregnant. Woke up crying in the middle of the night. I act as if i hate my husband all the time. It’s almost as if he disgusts me now… i love him but my heart just aches when i look at him .. i don’t know what to do. All we do is fight now. It’s almost been 4 months since..
I am so sorry for both of you. I pray you will cling to the hope that things can get better. The most beneficial thing you can do for yourself, and him, is to take the time to find a post-abortion recovery program (see our resources and tips page). That will put you into touch with women (and men) who have been through what you are facing. They can listen to and support you in ways that others can’t, and because they have found substantial healing they can guide you thru the recovery process and be examples for you as to what you can achieve.
Do not give up hope! I know that when you look at your husband your mind instantly goes to your loss. In time, with good counseling, you can both work through your grief together, and by doing so, you can restore and even deepen your love and compassion for each other.
You are in my prayers.
Thanks for all the comments. I am pleased to let you all know that after a long difficult pregnancy my wife and just welcomed our baby boy yesterday and she is so in love with him. Our relationship is stronger for going through this journey. We welcome our future together. I know these situations don’t always work out but I am here to say have faith and things can work out.
I’m very glad you wrote to share your good news! You are all in our prayers.
When my 1st son was 3 yrs old my husband and I split up after a struggle with my mental health after him finding out I was traumatically raped several times as a youngster. The deal was we would separate and he would support my recovery in the hopes we could be together again one day. So after a couple months I became pregnant and was sick immediately. I still remember the first dose of agonizing pain and sickness only 5 days later. Obviously unawares I was pregnant till I did a test weeks later when my period never came. I was still sick.
I couldn’t work and had to move out of my house and live with my mum so I could have help with my son. I remember the daily pain and vomiting at least 10 times per day. It frightened my son. I made the decision that with my mental state and sickness I had to think of the well being of my son and knew I would be incapable of caring for him if I kept going.
At 12 weeks I terminated to the horror of my husband. It wasn’t over though. I was still sick, bled for 10 more weeks, was anemic, fatigued, still in pain. But it eventually passed. My husband hated me for it but we got back together about a year later and welcomed another son a few years after that….after I was well recovered mentally of course. He is now 3 and for the first time tonight my husband had a bit to drink and told me he wanted to punch me till I breathed no more (he would never actually hurt me) and that looking at our youngest son was like looking at the life that was taken from him….
I feel he hates us both now and I don’t know what to do. I never knew this still hurt him so much. I felt I dealt with it but he obviously never has and is now reaching out to tell me how much he hates me for it.
Dear Diane,
I’m sorry to hear all that you have been through. After what your husband said, you are right to reach out for help. As you said, the loss of his child to abortion is clearly weighing very, very heavily upon him. This is more common for men than many people realize. I strongly encourage you to ask him to go with you to a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat weekend for couples who are struggling with a past abortion. As you will see on the link, they are available in many countries.
I would also encourage you to not read too much into his angry words. First, there is nothing in what you wrote to suggest that he hate’s his youngest son, or resents him. It is better to assume that seeing his other children makes him feel grief over the child he has never seen laugh or play. Most of the time, anger comes from a place of hurt. When he spoke of the feelings of violence he feels toward you, he’s really just shifting his tremendous feelings of pain and loss into anger. Don’t tolerate violence, of course, but do try to be understanding of his pain. Tell him that you understand, and if you have any feelings of loss, share those with him too, and promise him you will do all you can to work with him to work through this loss. If Rachel’s Vineyard isn’t accessible, look for another post-abortion recovery program.
You are all in our prayers.
My wife and I have been trying to have a child for 6 plus years and we’re not able to. We considered adoption and foster children but it never quit worked out. Once we conceded That being parents was not in the cards we moved on with our lives. We recently found out that my wife is pregnant. I was overjoyed and excited by the prospect of finally becoming a dad! She was totally devastated. This was even more apparent after the first ultrasound. She wanted no photos or anything. She came up with every reason why we shouldn’t be parents from we can’t afford it to we have no child care to we are too old and she was in so much pain… that part is true. She told me that she doesn’t want to go through with the pregnancy and I don’t know what to do. I hoped this was just the hormones and uncertainty taking but I believe she means it. I am afraid for our relationship. Any constructive words or thoughts would greatly appreciated.
Jay
Jay, I might begin by asking her to read through the risk factors that identify women who are most likely to regret their abortions and experience more severe emotional reactions. The psychological risks can be devestating . . . especially for a woman who previously was of a mindset of wanting a child. The physical risks should also be considered.
I’m not sure why she is suddenly reversing herself. My guess is that she’s getting cold feet due to some insecurity and perhaps due to a fear of getting her hopes up again after having given up once before.
Ask her about seeing someone at a pregnancy help center, or a pastor, or even a pro-life doctor who can give her a good strong dose of reassurance. She needs hope in her life. I know you are trying to provide exactly that . . . but I’d suggest looking for other people who will also rally around and encourage her.
Thanks for your encouraging words. A quick update things are getting much better. We have talked about how we both feel and have started going through the process. We have had several appointments with various professionals as well as my wife’s primary doctor who has been great. We have had ultrasounds and have chosen to proceed with the pregnancy for the time being. She is still very unsure and worried as am I but I and the rest of our family (who we recently told our news to) are being as supportive as we can be.
Thanks again
Jay
I am a young kid and I was watching something and heard this. I didn’t know how much this could impact some people.
Abortion leaves a devasting effect on a marriage.
My wife and I have been married for 6.5 years. Due to severe and chronic morning sickness, my wife and I decided that terminating was the safest thing for her. We tried a second time, but again her body reacted so violently we decided to terminate again. Since then, my wife has been significantly scarred by these events, she is constantly depressed, and has no libido at all. I often feel rejected and detached from her. We adopted a child last year who we adore. I desperately want my marriage to improve, but I’m terrified for our marital future. I fear she is unable to participate physically because of these events. Any advice would be appreciated.
Hello Justin, as you’ve seen in this post abortion can have a huge impact on a relationship. There is often a lot of unresolved sadness and pain or even resentment or other issues that crop up. Even if you feel like you made the decision together it can be difficult to talk about. It sounds like this is something you and your wife need to work on together. Even if you feel like you aren’t struggling yourself with the abortion, your wife clearly is and she needs you to be there for her. Do you think your wife would be willing to seek healing for this experience and support for your marriage with you? I would suggest visiting our healing page for more information on post-abortion healing as well as a list of organizations that offer free, confidential and non-judgemental support for women, men and couples after abortion. You can also contact Rachel’s Vineyard for support through email. Even if your wife isn’t ready to take this step, you can do this on your own if you are struggling, both for your own sake and to better understand and help her.
I had an abortion 2 years ago it was my decision alone my husband didn’t want it he couldn’t come with or support me. Since it happened my feelings have changed towards him I’m not sexually attracted to him and I don’t think I’m in love either but we have 2 children and I don’t know how to fix this marriage anymore. I need some advice please help.
Hello Martina, have you thought about talking with a counselor? Would your husband go with you? You have both been affected by this abortion, no matter who made the decision or how much he was involved in it. Some marriage counselors might not want to address the abortion or know how to do it, so you need to make sure you find someone who can. Our Healing After Abortion page has information and links to organizations that offer free and confidential support after abortion to help both you and your husband find healing from this.
I’m so happy to read that this marriage was fixed. 18 yrs of healing? Wow. I envy that. I felt/feel the same ways mentioned here after the procedure. My marriage didn’t last afterwards and he divorced me. I’ve remarried and now have 2 beautiful kids. But I still long for my first marriage, my first husband, and to actually have dialogue about the “real feelings” with him. I wish he would eventually accept me back with a blended family and still give him a child. He says he would have a hard time accepting my kids. This article made me realize why. That’s the fairytale in my mind.
So touching. Every teenager and youth should read this
I totally agree. I know you are an adult and I’m a kid but still.
I’m deepest regards. I am recently married and we were on out honeymoon when this happened. It began with nervous and alittle excited and now, I’m so lost it hurts. Isn’t this suppose to happen when your married. I get it’s my last year of college and he hasn’t worked in almost a year. I guess I’m more hurt because we both have one of our own and now he doesn’t want anymore. I asked him if I did this, can we get a divorce!! He looked up me with no question and blanked out. I hope one day I’ll get passed this. For now, I’m hurting with so much sorrow I can’t help but cry