Telling Your Children About a Past Abortion (Part I)
10/6/16
Theresa Bonopartis, founder of Lumina post-abortion healing ministry, vividly remembers the day that she phoned her doctor for the results of her pregnancy test. She was 18, unmarried, and scared. The doctor’s words confirmed what, despite months of denial, she already knew–she was almost four months pregnant.
She and her boyfriend decided to marry. But then her parents kicked her out, telling her to forget she was their daughter. She and her boyfriend broke up. Her father urged her to have an abortion, which she initially resisted. But without a job, housing, or any support, she felt she had no choice but to give in.
For years, she tried to forget about the second-trimester abortion– a grueling experience involving 12 hours of labor and seeing the body of her unborn child. After marriage to an abusive husband, the birth of two sons, a divorce, and a semi-reconciliation with her parents, she went back to school to earn a counseling degree. But within a year of starting her first job, she was burnt out, struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts.
Although she had returned to the Catholic faith in which she’d been raised, she didn’t believe God could forgive her for what she had done. Finally, feeling she had nowhere else to turn, she sought counseling from her parish priest. For the first time in ten years, she began to feel a sense of peace and healing. But one question still nagged her–should she tell her two sons about her abortion?
“I felt that God was calling me to speak about abortion, but I knew I couldn’t unless my children knew first,” she said. “I was concerned about how it was going to effect them and I thought they would never forgive me. I was terrified they would hate me.”
To Tell or Not to Tell?
Abortion is often a deeply guarded secret, surrounded by silence and shame. Even parents who may feel comfortable sharing their story with other adults may hesitate when it comes to telling their children. They may worry about fracturing their relationship with their children, especially young children who tend to see Mom and Dad in nurturing and protecting roles. Many parents fear that even their adult children will react to news of a past abortion with condemnation and disgust.
The parents’ questions and concerns are many: “What if my children hate me? What if they don’t forgive me? Will my children still believe I love them and would never hurt them? When is the right time to tell them, and how much do I share with them? Should I even be telling them about this part of my life at all?”
Some experts, like Dr. Philip Ney, a psychiatrist who has done extensive work with abortion survivors and siblings of aborted children, says that children need to know about the parent’s abortion because of the effect the abortion can have on the family.
“In some respects, the decision to talk or not talk about your pregnancy loss, particularly an abortion, is academic,” Ney said. “There are very few real secrets within the family. The facts seem to indicate that the loss that has affected you will be communicated in one way or another, and children guess at what happened. You cannot not communicate. You will show that something has changed you, especially something as disturbing as an abortion.”
Ney said that children often sense that there are “pseudo-secrets” within the family, and even very young children may be aware that their mother was pregnant but a baby never arrived. This may cause young children to question their own security and lead to a sense of mistrust and lack of communication with the parents. Some children may become withdrawn, angry, and uncommunicative if the issue of the abortion is not addressed.
“Parents need to remember that the pain of an abortion is never private, so resolving the pain and conflict cannot be private,” said Ney. “It is better that the issue be dealt with as carefully and clearly as possible. It may take time to help your children work through the conflicts, but it is vitally important that you do so. The outcome will be much better than you might expect during the period of turmoil.”
Kevin Burke,a licensed social worker who co-founded Rachel’s Vineyard with his wife, Dr. Theresa Burke, suggested that parents talk to a trusted counselor or therapist before making the decision to divulge news of an abortion to their children. He said that parents need to think carefully about how, what, and when they should tell their children.
“The burden must fall on us as parents to justify the benefits to the child in telling them this information,” he said. He suggests that before parents talk to their children, they ask themselves the following questions:
- How will this benefit my children?
- How will this affect their development now and in the future?
- How will this contribute to or interfere with their own emotional maturation and development?
- How will this contribute to or interfere with their relationship with me and my role as a parent?
- What is the benefit to telling them now rather than waiting until they are a young adult or adult and can more easily integrate the information into their adult minds and understand the issue and the parents’ experience?
Dr. Theresa Burke agrees that parents need to carefully weigh the possible benefits and harms to their children before telling them. She is concerned that some parents may feel driven to tell their children from a “desire to ‘vicariously’ reconcile with one’s aborted child.” For this reason, she said, parents need to develop a relationship with their aborted child before they consider telling their living children about the abortion.
Bonopartis said she tried several times to speak with her sons, but each time she held back, unable to utter the words. Finally, when they were in their early teens, she felt she was being “given the grace” to tell them.
“I never overcame the fears,” she said. “I think I just moved forward in spite of them, placing my trust in God because I knew He was asking me to tell them, and I trusted Him because of my own healing. I told them the basics . . . I did not go into details of the abortion. They cried, and as is often the case, they went through very different responses. One was very angry and the other wanted to protect me.”
Why Some Parents Choose to Tell
Parents cite a number of reasons for choosing to talk with their children about a past abortion. These include:
(1) If the abortion is publicly known because the mother and/or father have shared their testimony in public settings, or feel called to begin speaking out about their experience; or if there is another reason to believe that the child may find out about the abortion from another source.
“No one has the right to know about an abortion before family members,” said Bonopartis, who waited to speak publicly about her abortion until her two sons felt comfortable with her doing so. “I believe family members have a right to their time of grief and working it out. They also have a right to give their input–including the children–as to whether they are comfortable having the post-abortive person speak publicly about their experience.”
(2) If the parents suspect that their children are aware or have guessed that an abortion took place in the family (for example, if the children were born before the abortion and may have guessed that the mother was pregnant).
Cecilia, who had an abortion at 18, had planned to tell her daughter about her abortion herself someday. Instead, she was dismayed to learn that someone who was angry at Cecilia had already told her daughter.
“When my daughter found out I don’t know, but I do know that she dwelled on it for a while,” Cecilia said. “Then she got mad at me one day and started to blurt out angry words. I waited until she calmed down and then talked to her about it. . . . She was more angry at the fact that I had not been the one to tell her.”
(3) If the abortion has resulted in serious consequences for the parents–such as severe depression, substance abuse, divorce, or violence in the home–that have impacted the children and the parents’ relationship with them, and the parents feel that telling the children will be a step toward healing the wounds within the family.
“I believe that many children are living in situations that are a direct result of the mother’s abortion — single family homes, abusive families, etc.,” Bonopartis said. “The children may feel that they are to blame for the emotional struggles of their parents. I know my sons felt that so much of their lives made sense once they knew about the abortion. Explaining how the abortion affected me cleared up the picture for them, and no matter how painful, I think it helped them.”
The Importance of Discernment
Theresa Burke emphasized that parents should consider their child’s level of maturity and ability to handle the situation. “Only a parent is qualified to discern whether or not their child has the emotional stability to deal with this kind of information,” she said. “The decision to tell or not to tell is highly individual, personal, and should be considered only after deep discernment and prayer. No one knows your child better than you.”
Some children simply may not be at an age where they can keep discussion of the abortion within the family. Valeska, who often speaks publicly about the abortion she had as a teen, said her nine-year-old daughter sometimes asked questions about her abortion at inopportune moments.
“I would simply tell her that now was not the time to talk about it,” Valeska said. “Parents need to be prepared that this might happen, especially with younger children.”
Lisa, who had an abortion 11 years ago, said her family knows about her abortion and she is fine when her young daughter brings it up with relatives, “because this fact will always be a part of my life and I’m not trying to hide from it anymore.” Parents who are concerned about privacy, however, should keep this in mind before talking about the abortion with a very young or talkative child.
~~~
This is Part I of a series on talking to your children about a past abortion. Part II will be pulished next week. Comments from Dr. Philip Ney are excerpted from the booklet “How to Talk With Your Children About Your Abortion: A Practical Guide for Parents,” by Philip G. Ney and Marie Peeters-Ney (Victoria C-B: Pioneer, 1998).
Find Help
Pregnancy Help and Resources
Center Against Forced Abortions
Post-Abortion Help and Resources
Entering Canaan Resources for People Who Have Lost Siblings to Abortion
Articles on Healing After Abortion
It’s Not Wrong If You Are Hurting After Abortion
Finding Healing After Abortion
Personal Stories About Abortion and Healing
Articles on Hope & Healing
To Those Who Mourn
Men & Abortion
For Teens: No One Told Me I Could Cry
Yes, There is Help & Healing After Abortion
