The Emotional Effects of Abortion
| 92% | Emotional deadening (Reported either feeling less in touch with their emotions or feeling a “need to stifle their emotions”) |
| 86% | Increased tendency toward anger or rage (48% reported they became more violent when angered) |
| 86% | Had a fear of others learning of the abortion or a greater sense of fear for unknown reasons |
| 82% | Greater feelings of loneliness or isolation |
| 75% | Had less self-confidence |
| 73% | Sexual dysfunctions (Increased pain during intercourse, promiscuity, frigidity, or loss of pleasure) |
| 63% | Denial (Respondents were asked, “Was there a period of time when you would have denied the existence of any doubts or negative feelings about your abortion?” Of those responding yes, the average period of denial that they reported was 5.25 years.) |
| 58% | Suffered from insomnia or nightmares |
| 57% | Greater difficulty in maintaining or developing relationships |
| 56% | Suicidal feelings |
| 53% | Increased or began use of drugs or alcohol |
| 39% | Eating disorders which began after the abortion (binge eating, anorexia, or bulimia) |
| 28% | Attempted suicide |
This is a partial list of symptoms drawn from a survey of 260 women who, on average, had their first abortion 10.6 years prior to being surveyed. These women were volunteers who either were seeking post-abortion counseling, had participated in post-abortion counseling in the past, or had a history of prior abortion and were seeking help at a crisis pregnancy center to carry a subsequent pregnancy to term.
These findings appear to be representative of the reactions of the group of women who experience negative emotional reactions to abortion. These figures may not be representative of the entire population of women who have had abortions.
For more information on this study and other research, visit the research page at our web site.
See also Abortion Risks: A list of major psychological complications related to abortion for more detailed information.
If you or someone you know needs help coping with a past abortion, please contact one of the groups listed on our healing page at http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/ or call 1-800-712-HELP.
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I had an abortion six years ago and it still feels like yesterday.I got pregnant for the second time almost five years after n had a miscarrage.I still regret the abortion and now its even more difficult to deal with both experiences.
Hello Keke,
I’m so sorry for both your losses. It’s not uncommon for a miscarriage to compound the pain and regret of an earlier abortion and make it harder to cope with both, so you are not alone in experiencing this.
Have you had any kind of counseling or support, or have a trusted person you can talk with? Maybe you have never had a chance to really grieve or process this loss or any trauma you experienced. If you want to reach out for help, whether that is just a listening ear, a support group or counseling, there are organizations that offer free, non-judgemental and confidential support and help in healing. You can find a list of groups on our healing page, as well as more information on what the process of healing is like. If you still have questions or our curious about healing, visit the Rachel’s Vineyard site, especially their Q&A page, personal stories or email support. If you are outside the US, you can send me an email at elliotinstitute@gmail and I will try to find a group for you.
I hope this information helps you find some support. You don’t have to keep living with this on your own … it is possible to work through this and feel better.
hi,i am writing to you as a 50 something male. i met a woman one and a half years ago. we started our relationship as friends and work colleagues. late last year I felt feelings for her and wanted to start a intimate relationship with her. i didn’t push it, but spent more time with her and we both seemed to enjoy each other’s company. one day she came into work and told me she had a dilemma. she had a boyfriend but also liked me. he sounded difficult, and not very empathetic. she stayed with him for a while then broke up. she then found out she was pregnant by him and was to have an abortion. i supported her through this as I felt for her. she was relieved when it was over and we started a more intimate relationship. this was going well, but after the initial relief she is not so good now and struggling with life. she has three children and no support from her previous man. i like her very much but don’t know how much more of this pushing away I can take. i am supportive and trying to help. maybe you have some thoughts.
Has she mentioned the abortion? If she is starting to struggle with it, you might encourage her to check into post-abortion healing programs. If it is just your own observation that it might be an issue, but you feel she’s not ready to confront it, I’d suggest you do more to educate yourself about post-abortion issues, perhaps by reading a book like Forbidden Grief. That may give you better insights about the issues she faces and how you might be able to help . . . and how to better judge when it is appropriate for you to reach out.
Dear Fizzgig, I am sorry for the loss of your baby. Please know that we do care about you and I hope you understand that “a woman’s decision” is used to justify abortion as if the baby can just be erased. You know that the baby isn’t magically erased, and that you were a mother from the minute that precious baby was conceived, and that your baby did exist even if he or she did not make it to birth. So that is what women go through when they have an abortion except it is a violent murder of the life within them. Their body and soul knows that they have undergone a terrible and unnatural experience, but society won’t allow them to grieve openly and express regret, because in this current culture of death, abortion is the solution to a problem, not a problem in itself. Most women who get abortions do not make that decision freely but are under pressure from others to “get rid of the problem” quickly and never talk about it again. Oh the pain hidden inside so many of our sisters! It breaks my heart.
Well, I will keep you in my prayers.
Hello Fizzgig,
While I’m sorry for your loss of your baby, I love the way your faith allows you to meet your child when you get to Heaven.
And thank you for your understanding and prayers. As a teenager, I aborted my baby, and have always regretted it. Thank you again for your prayers. May God continue to bless you!
Kelly
Thank you so much for for the prayers. Our little decided they loved heaven more than earth and so I shall meet them when I get there.thank you for the support and for the people who posted about what they had been through. I honestly don’t think I could have lived with myself if I had been the reason I wouldn’t hold them. I regret ever contemplating the abortion when I could have just been happy with the time I had to care for our little one. But, even while we processed I took care of them best I could in case we decided differently. The loss of this little life seems to make me more sensitive to the idea of abortion. Not that I don’t believe a woman doesn’t have a right to make a decision. But, it makes me feel like women unless for health reasons need to spend more time contemplating what they may go through after such a loss. My prayers go out toall who know the feeling of loss even if from your own decision.
Hello Fizzgig, I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you and your family! May you indeed meet your little one again in heaven someday. Thank you for posting these beautiful words of support to others who are hurting as well.
I have two wonderful and beautiful grand-daughters whom I LOVE. Last year I lost one or actually my daughter miscarried. One day I took her to the ultrasound and all is well but they saw something. The very next day in the morning they could not find the babies heartbeat. I remember the day and the emotion and as is often the case I will write. I suggest everyone here begin a journal and write or journal how YOU journal. Here is the poem I wrote and shared at the service for Alyssa (my third grand-daughter)
Cheated Life, Given Hope
I saw you dancing with him
The first moment I heard of your demise
I knew your earth was left behind
But you had graduated already
And he smiled when you took his hand
And so did you
You were overwhelmed with excitement
To see your lover again
The one you left or who sent you
To do a work only he and you know
And you did what you were suppose to
Though many do not understand
Because he is sovereign and wise
Beyond what men on earth can imagine
Unless they can imagine you and him
Together again and only ponder
Why?
Was I cheated on
If it had been anyone else
The pain and anger may linger and unresolve
Yet he is the same one
I long to return to
To Dance with and to
See again and hold his hand
And now—yours as well
Somehow this has added to
A future hope
To serve him so I may be with him
And you again and lead others
To know him and to tell
Of all his exploits
That he is able to work
All things together for my good
Because I love him and the image of you
You were created in
All things in him
Exist and live for
Death has been overcome and I know
You are alive—just as he IS
And like Love—always—will be. ©November 29, 2015 for Alyssa Michelle
Fizzgig I pray for a 100% healthy baby in Jesus name. In his name and through Him all we ask is true promise.
Dear Fizzgig, I am praying that your baby will make it and that you will see the love of God for you and your bf and family through this situation!
Dear Fizzgig
I pray that God will give you peace in whatever happens. We rejoice that you and your boyfriend have decided to leave everything in the hands of the Sovereign Lord, who knows what is best for your child.
Thank you so much for the response. My boyfriend and I decided that we were not capable of going through with an abortion. Shortly after we made the decision that we would parent our little one I began spotting and cramping. I’ve been to the Dr. And they aren’t sure what will happen. But, I’m glad if this little one won’t be born that it wasn’t because of a choice we made. Just leaving it in the hands of God now. He knows better than me.
Thanks for writing back. I’m so glad you decided to trust God and to open your hearts to your child. Your little one is now in God’s hands, who as you said, knows best. I am praying for all three of you.
I second your comment EL.
Fizzgig you know the joy of having children. Please think long and hard. Every person I have know who kept their baby are happy they did. Please read my post on Dec 17.
I pray for your happiness and the joy this new life will bring into your family.
My bf and I have only been dating near 8 months. I have four wonderful daughters between the ages of five and seventeen. Recently we found out we’re expecting both my bf and I were so excited at first, then reality set in that finances aren’t great and that we don’t know each other that well. We’d discussed getting married at some point because I do love him and he myself. We’ve made the decision to abort though and even though it seems the logical thing to do I can’t help feeling resentment toward him and guilt about this baby already. I can’t seem to smile knowing what I’m going to do. I tried to tell my bf how much I’m hurting, he tries to be there for me but I can’t smile or laugh for very long. I just can’t see him and myself together after this even though I love him. He’s hurting too but doesn’t communicate and I feel alone. I’m bringing him down too. I don’t know what to think, if I feel this way now how will I deal after I’ve done this? I’m terrified.
Dear Fizzgig,
Please sit down with your boyfriend and review the medically proven risk factors which identify the women most likely to have severe negative reactions to an abortion. Many of these have been underscored in a report by the American Psychological Association Task Force on Mental Health and Abortion.
These two facts alone (you were initially excited about your pregnancy; and you are having doubts/ambivalence about the decision to abort) would already bump you up to a higher risk category, and there are likely more.
You are quite right. The logic for abortion almost always makes sense. The timing is bad. Finances could be better. It would be best if you waited until you were married, et cetera. But while those are great considerations before getting pregnant, once you are already pregnant you are already a mother (and he a father) to this child. Abortion doesn’t turn back the clock. It only changes whether you are the parents of a live baby or one who died. The grief and loss associated with abortion is real and can carry a tremendous psychological price, as many women will attest.
While having a child involves costs and hard work, very few people ever regret giving birth to an unplanned child (and we know they cope better). But regret of a past abortion is very common.
Please let us know how we can help you. We would be glad to talk to your boyfriend, for example.
You are in our prayers.
I had an abortion exactly a month ago and it completely changed me. I feel like I lost a part of myself, and mostly my ability to feel emotions. I have sit out not only my feelings, but everyone in my life. I haven’t seen my family or reached out to friends since I have gotten my abortion, and feel like my relationship with my boyfriend is falling apart because of it. I’ve been extremly unmotivated to do anything, even the simple task of getting dressed or to keep up with my personal hygiene. the only time I put on makeup or get dressed up is when I go to work, and even that’s a struggle. I don’t know how long I will be like this but I’m hoping there will be a time soon that I can come out of feeling this way. I have been extremely depressed and isolated from the world. I was once very outgoing going out with friends being social, but now I can’t even handle being in social situations which makes going to work a struggle. I need help I honestly don’t know what I can do at this point.
Hello Carry, I am so sorry for your loss. What you are describing is something we have heard about a lot from women who have had abortions. Please don’t let yourself be isolated, but reach out to people who are able to help you. There are women out there who know what you have been through and they can help. If you haven’t done so already, you can visit our healing page to find more information on post-abortion counseling and support groups and how to contact them. It may seem like a big first step to take but I really encourage you to call one of these groups even if it is just to talk. The help they offer is free and confidential. The page also has tips on what to expect, finding the right group for you, etc. If you live outside of the U.S. please email me at elliotinsitute@gmail.com and I will try to find a group for you.
hi Amy I really appreciate the response. I tried looking for a group or some sort of counseling for what im going through, the only hard part is there’s not many where I live, plus I feel I need a more intense in depth one on one and/or group meetings more than just once a week. I was wondering if you knew any inpatient recovery programs. I feel it would benefit me a lot more at this time and it would allow myself to really work on the issues that need to be dealt with. I don’t care whether it’s based on post abortion recovery or a place I can go where I can discuss my grieving process and how I can get through it. I need something that can help me daily until I feel I’m back to myself again. if you know of anything please let me know thanks!
Most post-abortion healing programs have contacts with psychiatrists and psychologists with whom they have worked. They may be able to give you a referral to someone who works with or can recommend a good program for you. I do believe that an intensive, residential program is offered by the Institute for Pregnancy Loss in Jacksonville, Florida, phone 904-342-0352, which is headed by Susan Stanford-Rue and Vincent Rue.
hi Amy I really appreciate the response. I tried looking for a group or some sort of counseling for what im going through, the only hard part is there’s not many where I live, plus I feel I need a more intense in depth one on one and/or group meetings more than just once a week. I was wondering if you knew any impatient recovery programs. I feel it would benefit me a lot more at this time and it would allow myself to really work on the issues that need to be dealt with. I don’t care whether it’s based on post abortion recovery or a place I can go where I can discuss my grieving process and how I can get through it. I need something that can help me daily until I feel I’m back to myself again. if you know of anything please let me know thanks!
I am 18 years old, I had an abortion 7 months ago and its the worst thing I have ever done, I regret it every night, I have attempted suicide, I got into drugs, alcohol and I slept with strangers because I really want to die, I would do anything in the world to have my baby back,
Hello Bella,
I’m so sorry for your loss and pain. Please don’t give up on seeking help and healing. If you are feeling suicidal, you should seek help immediately. Call the National Suicide Prevention hotline at 1 (800) 273-8255.
The emotional pain you are describing is not unusual, and you are not alone in experiencing this. Other women have been through this and although it has changed them, they have found peace and healing. I would really encourage you to seek out others to talk with, those who will listen without condemning you and support you as you are struggling. If you haven’t already done so, please visit our healing page, read through the information on seeking healing, and contact one of the groups listed at the bottom of the page for help. Their services are free and confidential and they will be there to listen and help. If you are not located in the U.S., email us at elliotinstitute@gmail.com and I will try to put you in touch with a support group in your area.
There are many great post-abortion healing programs, many free, and most run by women who have been through the same thing and found healing. Please check out http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/ for help in finding a program near you.
Bella by having the courage to post publicly you have demonstrated that you are ready to heal. You are stronger than you think don’t punish yourself. God does not punish He forgives. You are loved.
My story is a little different.I am a male. I have been married 27 years. We dated 7 years before. We were both are first. In year 3 i had split to date another girl which did not last and we eventually got back together.During the split she got pregnant from an ex and had an abortion.I did not know this until we talked about getting back together. Even though I was not the father I feel so sad even to this day 30 years later.I always respected her position and never talked about until recently.Yes 30 years later. In her mind she did nothing wrong and has never shown any signs of remorse or sadness that I can see.She was 21 and was not ready for a baby and did not want him in her life. I am the one who is so sad. I even told her I would have still married her even if she had kept or gave for adoption. I am so sad for this child that never saw the light of day because I was the one who left and broke her heart.I respect all the previous posts. I just felt that another side needed telling. I am personnally against abortion and everyday I look at my wife I relive the pain. So girls and guys if you think time heals and that abortion is no big deal remember that your decision affects many lives.1 the childs and everyone involved or aware of the situation ie mom dad boyfriend and most of all YOURSELF!
Hi Al, thank you for sharing your story. And you are right that others can be affected by the abortion even if they were not directly involved. If you would like to talk about what you are going through, please consider contacting one of the groups listed on our healing page for support — they would be glad to talk with you!
Wow…I am not sure how to start… It’s been a long time since I feel okay about myself. After reading the breakdown percentage of post- abortion emotions, I am feeling understood in some way. For years I felt and feel all of the above but never knew how to describe it. My story is similar yet different from many.
I had 3 abortions from the same man ( my boyfriend of 7 1/2 yrs). My first abortion was at 22 yrs old, 6 weeks…my boyfriend and I had just started hanging out/dating…3 of those weeks I left for a family vacation overseas and we both knew that an abortion was going to happen…but in reality I was hoping he’d say let’s have the baby and as I expected he didn’t! I was quietly sad and only shared with some friends about it. Some supportive and some not. The most upsetting was or is how cold my boyfriend treated me especially when it was not the first time he had a girl pregnant and fetus/baby terminated.
Shortly after I came across someone who told me he had a child with some girl but that she did not want him part of the child’s life because of his drug abuse!
Five years later I got PREGNANT again, and at this time I was 27 yrs old and terminated at 8 weeks…we were both heavily involved with hard drugs. We isolated ourselves from everyone (family & friends & the world)… My boyfriend has always been an user of drugs and I had experimented but never anything like him… Our families say we are fire and gasoline which is very harmful in all ways when hurt/sadness mixes with drugs, arrests and all.
My last abortion was less than a year ago at 29.. 10 weeks…I was strong about keeping it despite his and his grandma’s disapproval. I’ve been to countless therapy sessions and I live my life as if I don’t exist. I think knowing he has a daughter that can come in to our lives at anytime breaks me apart! Besides throughout the years I’ve never felt loved or truly cared by him. His family has honestly expressed how much they dislike me, perhaps hate me!
I am empty inside and I keep trying to find peace in my life because that’s all I wanna..I know we will not last but I know I tried and after all it was always my final decision for all three despite all the pressure!!! I ask my self for forgiveness so I can feel a little bit better as the day goes on. The truth is I am emotionally dependent of those who neglect me… Sick huh?!
Dear Ellen,
Please don’t give up hope, and try not to be too hard on yourself. You have been caught in a downward spiral. I promise you there is a way out.
I’m glad to hear that you have at least tried reaching out for therapy. Unfortunately, many therapists will ignore or dismiss or simply not know how to handle the post-abortion grief that can make women (and men) feel stuck and unable to heal, forgive themselves, and move forward.
If you have not yet checked out our page of tips and resources on finding a post-abortion healing program, please do. And don’t just read it. Call one of the hotline numbers today. You need to start talking, as soon as possible, with a trained post-abortion healing counselor who has been there, done that, and found healing for herself and is now helping others to find healing, too. Just knowing someone who has been through similar pain who has now found healing will be a huge encouragement for you in your process of healing.
You are in my prayers.
Please help! I am the mother of a 20 year old daughter. She got an abortion the other day. Previous to her getting the abortion she had led me to believe that she was keeping it. Then I had noticed for a few days she was avoiding my calls and texts. A few days later she texts me saying “oh I just want you to know I got an abortion on Saturday”. And the emotions went from there. Is it normal that I am feeling very emotional from this? Im sad, I have broken down crying I am even crying as I am writing this. I was excited to be a grandma! And I truly know that she has made the worst decision of her life> But what is this emotion that I am feeling?
Hi Maria, I’m so sorry for your loss. Yes, abortion can impact others besides the mother — grandparents too often mourn the loss of their grandchild. If you haven’t already, please visit our healing page for information on finding an organization that can provide support and help you work through this. These groups are usually open to anyone impacted by abortion (not just the mother) and I am sure that they would be happy to speak with you. Not only can this be a help to you but it may also help you to give your daughter the support she may need — if not now, then down the road.
Ever since I had de abortion, nufin wrks 4 any guy I date nd their lives becomes miserable
Hi…
Around this time last year I had found out I was 4 months pregnant with my boyfriend of the time. When I told him I was pregnant with his child he decided to also tell me that he was seeing another women. After a lot of crying and feeling betrayed he had told me “if you get an abortion we can fix things between us.” Full of all kinds of emotions I agreed to this. Only to still be left, alone, and betrayed after it all.
Its been a year and here I am still feeling alone, depressed, and as if I am the worst person to be walking this planet right now. I don’t know exactly why I’m writing this.. I don’t know if it’s to finally tell someone how I’ve been feeling, because its been bottled up for a year, or if I need some help..
xx
Kassandra, I am so sorry for your pain and everything you have been through. Just being able to talk about it can be a good first step to finding peace and healing. Please know that even though you feel alone, others have been through this too and there are people who want to listen and help if you need it.
If you haven’t done so already, I would suggest visiting our healing page at http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/. There is a lot of information there on finding healing as well as links to groups that offer free and confidential support and counseling. Consider just calling or emailing one of the groups to talk with someone and see where you might go from there.
Also, the Silent No More Awareness Project posts women’s stories on their site and allows you to share your own story if you want to do so (you don’t have to give your name or any personal information). It may help just to read through some of the stories on their site and see how others have coped: https://www.silentnomoreawareness.org/testimonies/index.aspx
Hi I’m glad I came across something similar to mines its been a whole year nd I’m just bottled up with emotions is it normal for this long time
In June I went with my 17 old daughter to have an abortion, and I know from experience how hard this was for her. I find myself crying all the time, and feeling guilty for putting her in this position. I know God is not pleased with me. I feel that I have failed her and her unborn child. I am not sure what to do.
Dear Jasmine,
My heart goes out to both you and your daughter. I first want to just encourage you to check out our page of tips and resources for post-abortion healing. You both need to be aware that there are women out there who have been where you are who can help you on your healing journey. I would dare say that without such support and guidance the recovery time can take five times as long . . . or may never happen. Since you are already crying and dealing with guilt, I would strongly encourage you to seek out some help for yourself. There’s no need to wait for your daughter to want post-abortion healing before you seek it out for yourself. The programs can be just as important for you as for her.
Regarding your daughter, how is she doing? Whether she is openly or privately struggling with it, or even if she appears to have put it all behind her (at least for now), I think it would be helpful for you to convey to her at least the little bit you’ve shared with us via your comment. Simply tell her that you sometimes feel guilty about the abortion and find yourself crying. Explain that you’re telling this to her not to add to any of her problems, but just so she knows that if she ever wants to talk about it (or cry about it), you are there for her. If her response is appropriate, you might then tell her that you are thinking about participating in a post-abortion healing program to deal with your own feelings. Let her know that if she ever feels the need for a support group, you want to be there for her then, too.
My goal, in offering this suggestion, is that you find a way to at least open the door for future discussions by simply telling her that you are struggling with it . . . not in any way that blames her, of course, but only in a way that shows both your own vulnerability and your openness and concern for her in the event she is, or ever will, experience difficulties with it. You very much want to avoid implying that she should be mourning or feel guilty if that is not what she is actually experiencing right now. And don’t be too surprised if she isn’t. Women (and young women) with strong coping skills may successfully repress any thoughts and feelings about their abortions for a long time, and we should actually respect that if that is the case. It’s not anyone’s job to punch through these barriers and avoidance behavior. Just respect where her feelings are today, but at the same time convey understanding and compassion and support if and when she may face the kind of grief and guilt you are experiencing . . . and one way to do that is to be honest and gentle in expressing what you are going through with an apology for anything you may have done that “put her in this position,” as you put it.
God is not pleased with the abortion. But He will be pleased by your efforts to heal and help your daughter moving forward. He never spurns a broken and contrite heart. Your desire for healing is itself the first step toward opening your heart to His healing mercy.
You are in our prayers.
I had an abortion last week on Monday. my partner told me to choose btwn to be a single mother or abortion. it have affected me emotionally and psychologicaly I cry every day and night non of my family and friends know about it. I have been locking my self in the house I don’t want to see people I just want to be alone. please help me in healing.
Dear Betty,
My heart goes out to you. Please call one of the hotlines listed in the bottom section of our page on post-abortion healing resources.
You need to find someone you can talk to who has been through the same things you are going through now. I am confident you can find understanding and support. It will take time, but you can also find healing and peace again.
Do not give up hope! Please reach out to a ministry near you.
You are in my prayers.
Hi ladies,
I came accross this page because I am writing a paper related to the post traumatic psychological effects that abortion has on women. When I was 19 I also had an abortion… Soon after that I became a born again christian and I can say it is the only way that I received my healing. The reason there are so many feelings of anger, guilt, shame (regardless of the causes of panic that brought us to make this decision), its because it was wrong. No matter how traumatic the reasons for doing it were, I had no right to kill my baby. Once I came to the truth of accepting that what I did was wrong, that it was a sin in God’s eyes, I was able to truly repent and receive part of my healing. However, it did not end there. This is something that we really need to surrender to God because He is the giver of life. He gave a life, personality, purpose and pan to you and he did the same for your baby. I received my true healing after taking a class called surrendering the secret. I recomend it entirely… I wanted complete healing from this situatin and God gave me a dream in which he showed me that even though I ended the life of my child here on earth the child is eternal. God gave me a dream of my little girl and I was able to meet her, tell her that I was sorry for what I did, accept her forgiveness, and accept God’s forgiveness. I even got a chacne to know her name. Her name is Rebekah and she is the most beautiful little girl. I realized that she did not die, but she is in he hands of God….you need to realize that your baby is not dead…but alive with God. Check out the website on how you can receive your healing: http://www.surrenderingthesecret.com
I had an abortion last October. I was able to salvage and bury a part of that process at my brothers grave. With tears falling from my eyes, I apologized to the baby for what I had done and asked my brother to take care of my baby in heaven. The babies due date was June 5, 2013. That whole week I had a feeling of sadness….its almost as if my body knew there was something missing. I embraced that feeling and prayed. I think of it often and allow myself to hurt. I find that hurting and understanding the hurt helps in the healing.
I think you are doing a good job of opening yourself to the grief process and are the start toward healing. I strongly encourage you to talk to someone with a post-abortion healing ministry and to participate in a program that will help you move much farther and much faster through the healing process. Doing so will not only help you, it will help you to better use your experience and growth to show compassion to others in any variety of situations.
I’ve thought about speaking with the woman at the planned parenthood that counseled me when I first discoverd I was pregnant. I want to be able to share my feelings so other women can be aware as to why they feel the way they do. Hurting a little bit at a time is better than holding it in and becoming angry or turning to other methods to cope with the uneasy feeling.
For what it’s worth, I think you’ll get more useful support from someone at one of the post-abortion healing groups we’ve listed rather than at Planned Parenthood. The counselor there may be better than having no one to talk with, but sometimes they tend to sidestep the grief work of the heart in favor of bolstering cognitive “you did the right thing” mentality which can actually mire down the heart work. It’s up to you to discern what is best, but I’d also point out that there is a 24 hour hotline run by the National Helpline for Abortion Recovery (1-866-482-5433). That’s one easy way to find someone to talk through who has been through it all, just like you.
Just thought I should say, I will be having it! I told my sister last night about the pregnancy (which she has twin 5 year olds who are like brothers to my son) and she said absolutely no abortion. That she would take this baby before she let me do that. So I’m getting the support one by one. And my boyfriend has come up with a plan and says the drugs and the bs is over with. That this is what he’s been missing for years being he has a son already that the mom took off with and left state which is a big cause to the drug use. So I’m just keeping my faith in god and taking it day by day. Thank y’all!
I’m very glad that you are finding support and hope. You are in our prayers. Hang in there! Don’t let any setbacks throw you off. For example, your boyfriends desire to reform change in behavior is great . . . but it will take time and will likely include a few setbacks. If this happens, don’t give up. And you’re likely to face some of your own setbacks. Don’t give up. As you said, one day at a time. And please, do reach out for the help that a pregnancy help center can provide you. You may be surprised how much help they really can provide for both you, your children, and your boyfriend.
I am 25. I have a 5 year old little boy that I love dearly. I have been raising him the last 5 years under my mothers roof with no help from the father as he was in prison the first 3 years of my sons life.
I have now been in a relationship for about 4 years with another guy so has some real issues with trust, insecurities, depression as he was a drug addict up until 2 years ago. He’s verbally and emotionally abusive, I feel like he acts like a child and I find out this morning I’m pregnant! I’m a full time student in college. And recently within the last month I’ve just become sooo fed up with him and his bs!!! To a point where it has been driving me crazy. He also lives 30 min away with his mom, has no car and doesn’t really have anything going for him.
I have always been against abortion although I have had a few friends have them once or multiple times. I don’t want to have a baby right now AT ALL and not from him as he has started to use drugs again more often lately. But idk if I can have an abortion either and especially after reading these comments. I can’t imagine the hurt and disappointment my mom will have when I tell her. She’s seen how hard it has been for me to finish school as a single mom. And she doesn’t necessarily prefer the guy I am with now bc of the verbal and mental abuse he puts me through. He’s not close with my family and often tells me he doesn’t want anything to do with my family. I’m just so worried to have yet another child while I’m sharing a room with my 5 year old in my Mothers house still not done with school!
But then idk how I would handle an abortion either. I’m struggling financially already with one child. Idk what to do. My boyfriend wants me to keep it for now anyways he says that, but I’m so scared to have a baby with this guy and him either continue to be abusive (as he grew up in an abusive home, his dad killing himself when he was 11) or him to go back to drugs in the future. I already live with guilt and hurt with my 5 year old not having his dad present.
Idk what to do!!! My boyfriend now just acts so childish and ridiculous. Always accusing me of cheating, name calling! We were on the verge of breaking up anyway. I just don’t see how having this baby will make things any better. He’s always talked a lot what he wants to do and says he’s gonna stop but it never fails that it never does. And this has been for 4 years now dealing with the same crap. It would be a huge disappointment to my family as I already feel like the black sheep.
Also, I’ve always been a strong positive person and very accepting of the life is or things that happen in life. Kind of an “it is what it is” person! I just don’t know how I can handle either situation!
So confused. PLEASE HELP!!!
Dear Kay,
I know you are in VERY tough situation. If I’m understanding you right, while having another baby would be hard, you appear to be more concerned about having an abusive, drug usig boyfriend in your life . . . not just for a few more weeks or days, but for your whole life!
First, many women’s testimonies describe similar situations in which they aborted primarily to avoid having the guy in their life, and their regrets were no less than those of women who aborted for other reasons. So an abortion to end your relationship with him is really just trading in for another set of problems, which I’m afraid you will find are even worse.
It’s hard to predict the future, of course. But there is the very real possibility that for him, even if you break up, having a child of his own may bring out fatherly instincts that will help him to grow up, get off drugs, and try to accomplish something meaningful with his life for himself and his child. That doesn’t mean you need to marry him or even see him much. But if he does exercise his visitation rights (and of course provide financial support), there’s a chance that this child could be a real blessing on him, too. I say “too” because as a mother of a beautiful 5-year-old, you already know that this baby could be a blessing on you. You’re just afraid of the “curse” of a drug using loser that might come along with this blessing.
But remember, doing the right thing, defending your baby and bringing your baby into the world, doesn’t mean you have to put up with abuse or a guy whose not fit to be a boyfriend, husband, or even a father. If necessary, you can get restraining orders to get him out of your life or into line. As mentioned above, I’d prefer to hope that being a father will help him grow up. Sadly, there’s no guarantee of that.
All you can do is to decide to take care of yourself and do the right thing in taking care of your children, too. I strongly encourage you to call and talk to a pregnancy help center — not just to find medical and financial resources, but most importantly to find loving, understanding women who will befriend and listen to you and support you. They may also have counselors and family counseling services to help you work things out with your mother and your boyfriend.
If you are tempted, or pressured by others to consider an abortion, please look over the risk factors that predict which women will have the most emotional problems following an abortion and also consider the physical risks of abortion, including the negative impact on future pregnancies.
And you already know the right thing to do. Have courage. Cling to hope. You can do this. Everything will work out, and a year from now you will be so glad that you turned away from the abortion trap and instead chose to open your heart to the blessing of this child. Nothing worth having comes easily. There will be challenges. But both you and your child are worth it.
Please call a pregnancy help center to get the support you need and deserve, ASAP.
I just found out today that I’m pregnant. I don’t know what option to take, but I don’t think I can handle either one…
I can understand the shock you are experiencing. This is a lot to take in and process. I encourage you to call and talk to a pregnancy help center — not just to find medical and financial resources, but most importantly to find loving, understanding women who will befriend and listen to you and support you.
It may be hard to believe this today, when it is all so new, but in the weeks and months to come things will begin to fall into place and your fears will give way to hopes and blessings that you could never have anticipated.
If you are tempted, or pressured by others to consider an abortion, please look over the risk factors that predict which women will have the most emotional problems following an abortion and also consider the physical risks of abortion, including the negative impact on future pregnancies.
Abortion may look like the “easy way” out, but the reality is that it causes more problems than it solves. Consider this truism: while most women carry regrets about a past abortion, few, if any, ever regret giving birth to their children.
You’re facing a lot of changes in your life. And there will be sacrifices, like every parent faces, but the good which will come from those sacrifices will all make it worthwhile. Someday in the far future, when you are facing your own mortality and death, you will look back at this time when you chose life with pride and satisfaction.
Don’t give into despair and the fear of change and the unknown. “Be not afraid.” Your child comes with blessings. You just need to be patient and reach out for the help and support you need . . . and stand firm against those who might deprive you of the help and support you need. After your baby is born, they too will realize that your child is a gift to you, them, and the world. Focus on the positive. Hold onto hope. Stand firm in defense of your baby and your honor.
sooooo well i heard all these stories and i nearly cried. i mean things like this happen every day and well some how we manage to get through it. i pray for all women who have gone through this.
i am currently 14 yrs old. i nearly got pregnant last year but i didn’t. i was scared but then again somewhat happy. my mom and i are totally against abortion. but my period missed 4 months and the guy i was with well we broke up. but that’s b4 i ever had the thought of being pregnant ya know and i never did tell him/ but telling him wouldnt really have been smart any way. i guess i just wanted to say some stuff. sorry. im always open minded though..
I am planning to have an abortion next week, I’ve told my partner, my parents, and my closest friends. For me choosing abortion was the most suitable option. I am not financialy stable or mentally stable to bring up a child, I am 18 and still feel like a child myself. I have everybody’s support, and know that I always will. I have been blessed with the best family and friends. Let’s hope the procedure goes well.
Hi Cat, I would really encourage you to make sure you have all the information about this. I don’t know your exact situation, but NO ONE should be telling you or making you feel you can’t have a baby. Your family or others may be scared about what this means for your future and might not believe that it is possible for to continue the pregnancy. But there are many resources out there to help that you might not be aware of. I’m not saying it will be easy, but many women who abort end up with regrets afterward, even if they think or were told it was the right decision at the time.
You should also know that abortion can be more risky for younger women. http://afterabortion.org/2009/teens-face-more-mental-health-risks-from-abortion-than-from-bearing-an-unplanned-pregnancy It is a huge, life-altering decision and I would encourage you to find out everything you can, talk to people who will tell you about the risks and other options you have, and can support you and the baby. You will probably not get the full information from the abortion clinic or even from your doctor, counselor or others, because most people will automatically think that you shouldn’t be having a baby. Please visit here for information on pregnancy support centers: http://www.optionline.org/get-help
There is also an organization called The Nurturing Network that can help with things like housing, finding a job, staying in or going to school, etc. http://nurturingnetwork.org/ All the help they give is free and confidential.
Unfortunately, your description of yourself as “not financially stable or mentally stable” and as feeling like a child yourself, are risk factors that increase the likelihood that you will have more negative emotional reactions to an abortion than other women without those risk factors. Please read our introductory article on the risk factors that identify women who are more likely to have more problems. For so many women like yourself, abortion brings about temporary relief from immediate problems at the price of long term problems to emotional and physical health. You are in our prayers.
I had two abortions a few years ago. I felt I was forced to do the last one. My (ex)boyfriend dragged me by my hair into a car and drove me to the abortion clinic. It was horrible. I tried to look for a way out, an emergency exit sign but I had no where to go. i cried and cried so much that I couldn’t breath and the doctors had to give me another shot to calm me down. what pisses me off the doctors at the clinic didn’t ask if I WAS SURE, IF I WERE BEING FORCED. It was more like “don’t worry it will be over fast” they were so rude and I was a fool. (I hate Planned Parenthood. They are, excuse my language, jerks).
I regret both abortions and have nightmares about them. I can hear the sound of the suction machine and the first time I took the pills and I can still see the blood on my hands. The baby was in a sac and it fell out of me in my bathroom. I can still see all the blood. Planned Parenthood never told me this was going to happen. They never told me the emotional affect. I pray to God they are closed down someday.
I have guilt, shame and just plain PAIN BUT by the grace of God I have forgiven myself. I don’t dwell on what I do, I have made websites to help women, videos, and just told my testimony. I am going to turn this horrible experience into something good. I WILL not rest until I have done all I can to help women NEVER have an abortion……
I don’t know the sex of the babies that went to heaven but I guessed and named them, Adam James and Katrina Marie. I love them so much. I was left with such emptiness in my stomach after they were removed from my body.
I have 3 kids and just a year ago I gave birth to my beautiful Katie Ann. I still feel a little empty but God gave me joy with this new baby. Though it doesn’t solve my problems I’m just not as empty anymore. Someday I will tell all my kids what I did and how wrong I was. It’s hard to forgive yourself but you have to or else it will destroy you. God leaves scars to remind you and so you can learn but he doesn’t leave the wound open!!
Have faith and trust – please visit my site at http://www.facebook.com/abusedwomenabortionhelp
I don’t call you a murderer. I don’t judge people. I just WANT TO HELP. That’s my mission in life now. I have a passion for it!!
All these women who have posted about their abortion or that they are thinking about it, its a cry for help and I am so happy they are trying to get help. Doing it on your own is almost impossible. God is there and He puts people in your life to help you out. I just have so much love to give and I hope women just turn away from abortion. Even if you’re afraid what others may think if you keep it, who cares what they think, you are MAMA!!! You are never alone, you have God and if you go straight to Him and ask for help, He will not let you be alone. Seriously.
Thanks for sharing your experience and your desire to help so many others. God bless you.
I know what all of you are going through. Mine is actually messing me up more and more. I am 21 now, but first got pregnant when I was 18 December (2010), with twins. I was 2 years into a relationship with my THEN boyfriend. I was so happy, and so was he, or so I thought. He ended up moving to florida after I got kicked out of my house. (yes my parents kickd me out just because I was pregnant and I am their only daughter). I was alone and didnt know what to do. After 3 and half months of constant fighting, crying, and undecisive thoughts, i went back to my parents house. But they gave me an ultimatum, they told me I wasnt allowed back in the house until I ” got rid of it”. No one knew my pain no one knew what I went through, I was FORCED into an abortion that I didnt want to do. a week before my 19th birthday, i had a surgical abortion and “got rid” of my two angels.
The following summer, (July 2011), I got pregnant yet again with the same guy. (He came to visit for vacation, and with my luck it happened again- yes we used protection) It was the saddest thing to have to do yet again, this time my parents had no idea only he did. My friend drove me to the clinic, found out I was 10 and a half weeks and HAD to get a surgical abortion yet again.
That relationship ultimately ended and i was single for a while. Depressed, angry, lonely, isolated, mad at the world, i saw a pregnant woman and would envy her. Then all of my friends started having babies one after the other. It was like I couldnt get away from the thought of being pregnant. And seeing my friends go through with their pregnancies and seeing their families being so accepting hurt me even more. It made me resent my parents, and I still up till this day hate them for what they made me do. This passed September, I found out i was 4 weeks pregnant (different man, have been in relationship for more than a year now). He was super happy and so was i! and the fact that he was much older, and I was not a teenager anymore, so i felt this time around it was a great time. Sadly, because of the surgical abortions I have already have, my uterus was not able to hold the fetus, and I miscarried at 10 weeks. *devastating; mroe traumatizing than an abortion*..
At this point you can imagine my pain, anger, fear, frusteration, sadness, and asking God WHY.. Why cant I have the ONE thing that I want more than anything in this world..
I will never forgive myself for doing it in the first place — although I kind of saved myself from a horrible life with my ex- i am still psychologically damaged. I have no friends, and my relationship that I have now is failing as we speak.
I wouldnt wish this pain on my worst enemy.
Hi Anna,
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sure the miscarriage following your abortions was especially devastating.
Don’t give up hope. You can heal emotionally and spiritually. And God willing, you will successfully carry children to full term in the future now that doctors know that you are at greater risk of miscarriage and can take steps to reduce that risk.
If you have not done so yet, please look at our tips and resources for finding a post-abortion healing support group in your area. Don’t try to just tough it. With the help and support of others, and by being in a peer support group where you can share your own empathy and support as you have done in this letter, you can and will heal much faster.
Have hope. Please reach out for help.
peter. me and my girlfrend have gone through 2 abortions ,know she doesnt want to be close to me because i arouse her sexual feelings,she loves me so much but at times she is filled with hunger and rage for me.i love her soo much and their is a dude trying to woo her,am jealous since she is warming up to him.how do i win her back,should i fight for her or let her go? please help
Unresolved grief over a past abortion can be poison to a relationship. I encourage you to talk to her about going through a post-abortion healing program together, as a couple. I know this is possible through the Rachel’s Vineyard weekend retreats. Check it out.
i am 20 years old and currently a 3rd year student. i fell pregnant on new years eve 2010. i was 5 weeks and 2days pregnant when i went through with the termination. i didnt want to bring a child into this world without the means to provide for them… i have an unstable home life and didnt want my child to be brought up with an unstable home like mine…because it has greatly affected my life and i wouldnt want that for my baby. i was 18 at the time and so scared. i am still with my boyfriend but it feels like he doesnt understand what this has and still is doing to me. i started my first week of college 3 days after the abortion. it was terrifying trying to adjust with what i had been through.
the grief only hit me in 2nd year. my grades dropped and i had no one to talk to. my parents have no idea that it ever happened. i went to counceling and the councelor suggested that i create an art piece to express my life and my experiences as an outlet as i supress so many feelings and because i an studying something in the creative field.
i have decided that i am going to dedicate my final submission for this year to my baby. i want to leave it ambiguous as i know some people would judge me for what i have done but i feel it will bring me a sense of freedom from my guilt, to put my secret out there, even if no one knows what it really means.
my greatest obstacle is forgiving myself and i still cant find a way to do it…
Hi Amber,
Expressing yourself in your art is a good first step. It’s also good that you have talked to a counselor. However if it is not someone really trained in post-abortion counseling, and if you’ve not had the experience of group counseling with other women who have had abortions and a leader who has been through it also, I’d encourage you to find a post-abortion healing program and get help from them, too. For example, the difficulty with forgiving yourself is very common and often the “greatest obstacle” just as you’ve described. Hearing how others have worked through it, and just seeing the reality of healing in their eyes, can really help you in your own journey. Don’t give up hope. You’re making progress and you can and will heal even more . . . especially if you get the help and support of those who have been through the same journey.
I sooo feel for you. I too have had the same difficulty! Forgiving myself seems like a mountain that is impossible to climb. For me, no matter what anyone says or does to help me with this, for me it does not take away the guilt. I have yet to take the advise of seeking the counseling suggestions here. Ultimately I may choose to do so. Not sure, because nothing I’ve done so far has made much of a difference. I keep thinking that if this guilt is the only cross I have to bear in life due to my choice then perhaps it’s a small one considering, my child’s cross was to lose their life forever. I often feel that this guilt is my price. That said, I don’t think anyone here would ever agree with me…nor do I think you should either.
I hate it when someone does not take their own advise….but, I will say, that you should look deep inside yourself and make a choice as to if you want to have a happy life, or do you want to live to the end of it punishing yourself. I don’t want to punish myself, I just don’t know how to stop.
Hi Barbara. You’ve actually hinted at one of the stumbling blocks on the way to healing: feeling that you ought to hang onto feelings of guilt as the price to pay, and even as the way of remembering your child. On some level, many women fear that if they give up the feelings of guilt, they will have then dishonored the memory of their aborted child. This feeling that “I ought to feel guilty,” can and should be addressed in ways that help you (and others) to learn how to remember and honor your child, learning from your experience, without being bound, controlled, and held back by the past. So that’s one of the goals of post-abortion healing programs. Helping you to remember your child, and honor his or her memory by learning from the past so you can be a better person and help others, but without being bound and held back from doing all that you can and should do, and being all that you can and should be, because of unresolved grief and guilt. That’s what group counseling can help you start to not only think about, but see and experience.
Two years ago my wife cheated on me with my (ex)best friend, and became pregnant, with twins! She had a dual DNC, I suspect because she needed my medical benefits and because her family would certainly not support her or the new children. I know I would have left her. She decided to have the abortion. She recently had a dream in which she stated “her twins, boys, came back to her”. She is now pushing me away, treating me as though everything is my fault. I stayed with her because I love her and I felt as though she aborted the pregnancy to save our relationship, but now I feel she knew she would be left alone in the raising of the twins. I can’t find research anywhere on a situation like this. I feel hurt and out of place, but still love her. Is there anywhere to turn? Thanks in advance if anyone could help!
I would suggest that you go, together, on a Rachel’s Vineyard post-abortion healing weekend to address her abortion loss . . . and her infidelity which led to it . . . both of which are huge issues in your relationship. The reason I recommend this weekend is because many couples do it together and report good results. Going through it together may help in the healing of other issues and also to create new levels of understanding and love.
The loss of children, even those conceived in an affair, is always a loss. She’s struggling with that now, and it is of course easy to deflect and blame others. The best thing you can do is to help encourage her to work through the grief and healing process with the help of trained post-abortion counselors. I’d also suggest you read our page on finding a post-abortion program that fits her needs here.
i found out i was pregnant this january, from someone who already has a 5mnth daughter, we’re both on scholarships, studying in china, we’re from different countries, we had just met, we ddnt think our relationship would go that far, too late.
i had no idea what to do, given that we’re both away frm our countries and that he already had a kid, we figured it had to be done, also that i am not financially independent,
i just had the abortion 2weeks ago, he supported me through the whole thing, and the worst thing is, i feel haunted, and i blame myself everyday for it.
I prayed to God for forgiveness, and that He alone knew exactly what I was going thru, I prayed to God to take care of the little angel.
Rowiee, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for your experience. Please know that God is close to you, and that He always hears and loves us.
I don’t know what kind of help or support may be available in China after abortion. But you can visit our healing page for links to web sites that might be helpful to you: http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/. There are some online recovery groups listed on Yahoo Groups as well: http://health.dir.groups.yahoo.com/dir/Health___Wellness/Support/Abortion_Recovery?show_groups=1. I don’t know enough about any of these groups to endorse them, but they should be a place to start for finding people to talk to, if you wish to do so.
Surgical abortion at 6 weeks gestation. Today is the 5th day since the procedure.
I’m unsure whether the abortion has affected me psychologically, I get up act out my day to day routine perfectly well, thoughts about it come to my head quite frequently but I think that is due to the current physical pin reminding me, these thoughts however do not alter my mood and I feel fine.
The difference is once I sleep. As of 3 days ago I have ha nightmares about the procedure, some of my boyfriend raging that I killed his baby that he actually wanted. This isn’t true as he too wanted me to have an abortion.
Dreams about me leaving “evidence” of the abortion such as paperwork around my parent’s/relative’s homes and everyone finds out and I have to deal with each person’s reaction.
These type of dreams leave me waking up feeling paranoid that they already know or will find out, this thought decreases as the day progresses.
Just wondering what is going on right now? as I’m not an anxious worrying sort of person.
Research shows that sleep disorders are significantly higher following abortion. Here’s another article describing surveys which show that nightmares and other intrusive thoughts and feelings regarding an abortion are also common.
Your dreams of people finding out and your boyfriend being angry appear to reflect fears related to at least a couple of the well known risk factors for negative psychological reactions in both the short and longer term. It may be worth reviewing the list of risk factors here.
It is fine, and good, that you are not experiencing significant distress during your waking hours. While some women may have immediate, strong, negative reactions, others who have strong coping mechanisms in place may cope well for a while and they find a need to deal with some unresolved issues only years later. Often, these unresolved issues get packed away and buried but burst forth years later when some event or experience (often a birth or death in the family, for example) begins them back to the foreground.
In one survey of women who entered post-abortion healing programs, it was an average of 7.5 years after their abortions before they began to feel a need to deal with their past abortions. But that’s a pretty old survey. Because post-abortion healing programs are more common and well known, counselors are saying they are seeing women much sooner after an abortion than in the past.
So here’s my best guess in your case. You likely do have some unresolved issues which should be dealt with sooner or later. But you’re also coping pretty well, and it is so recent, just coping and keeping your balance is a good thing. So I’m not inclined to tell you to rush out and find a post-abortion counseling program or to suggest in any way that you’re heading toward a nervous breakdown. But I would like you to keep in mind that there are very good post-abortion programs available when you are ready to explore and address these unresolved issues–of which there are probably more than you are even currently aware. Be alert to addressing them earlier rather than later. Suppressed emotions will have a way of burbling up in ways that can hurt yourself and others.
Basically, your dreams are just showing you that mind is in an approach-avoidance conflict. Your subconscious is telling you, through your dreams, that you have unresolved issues that it wants you to approach and resolve. Meanwhile, your conscious mind is burying those thoughts and focusing on your day to day activities and avoiding thoughts which are disturbing or unpleasant precisely so you can live a calm and happy life. The latter isn’t a bad thing. Whether you label it repression, suppression or denial, a little bit of that can actually be good thing in that it gives you time to build strength and heal on some levels before you dealing with those issues your unconscious is stressed about. The danger is in becoming too reliant on coping mechanisms which eventually begin to drain your emotional energy and will make it more likely that negative emotions will begin to emerge in any of many ways, for example, rage, depression, anxiety, sexual dysfunction, a compulsion to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol, etc.
I’m not trying to scare you. If you’re generally coping well for now, just keep doing that. But your dreams are already signaling that someday, when it is the right time, probably within a year or two rather than wait until ten years down the road, it would be wise for you to find an experienced post-abortion counselor, sit down and talk, share your experience, gain her insights, and start the process of consciously acknowledging these unresolved issues and putting them to rest.
Since my last post these dreams have worsened. I don’t really think about the abortion or anything to do with it in waking life, but now I wake up distraught/crying the middle of the night, I don’t understand why as an abortion was the right choice for in my circumstance. My boyfriend is starting to worry as he’s the one waking me up throughout the night while I’m having nightmares :-/
I understand your confusion. As you indicated, from a logical viewpoint “an abortion was the right choice for my circumstance.” But abortion is not just a logical decision and a logical experience. There are wide and deep emotional aspects which link deeply to your nature as a woman whose able to form bonds, relationships, and even create a new relationship with a child.
Your brain, the logical part, during the day sees clearly that the abortion was the “right choice.” On some emotional and spiritual level, another part of you disagrees. That’s not a logical disagreement. It’s not even on the plain of logical argument. It is an emotional “fact.” Some part of you is deeply distressed by your abortion and it is coming out when your logical defenses are down (you’re sleeping) and your dreams are being shaped by this dissenting inner part of yourself.
My advice remains the same. When the time is right, you should talk to an experienced post-abortion counselor. Sooner or later your logical self has to recognize and show respect for the feelings of your “illogical” self, just like a “logical” husband needs to at least show respect for his wife’s “illogical” feelings. Her feelings are real and powerful, even if they are, in his view, out of proportion to the facts and circumstances that make one decision more logical than any other.
Similarly, within you, this part that is distressed and hurting needs to be recognized. It wants to reconcile with your logical self, but it may demand that the logical self weaken a bit and at least shed some tears of sympathy with the “illogical” half — again, just as a hurting wife wants her “logical” husband to simply listen and cry with her . . . not interrupt and explain why this or that was really the “right choice in our circumstances.”
If you do nothing, sooner or later I expect the nightmares to go away. But that doesn’t mean your upset, emotional half has let it go. It is more likely that different symptoms, which are less obviously connected to the abortion, will take there place as your subconscious seeks other outlets for thee unresolved feelings. So please, don’t ignore this warning sign and don’t think your logical side has “won” the argument in the event the dreams do subside. Rejected feelings are like rejected people: sooner or later they exact revenge.
I realize that you may be hesitant to speak to a post-abortion counselor who might insist that you must reject the choice of abortion and “repent” before you can be helped. And there may be some who would. But many, and the best ones, will accept you the way you are, including how you think, and will not try to change your mind about why the abortion was your best choice. They will concentrate on just helping you understand and respect the feelings within you. So, if you do try talking to someone and they don’t seem to accept where you are coming from, please keep trying until you find someone who does.
Like you, I was having dreams that would wake me up crying for my baby! It lasted for almost a year. Not every single night, but often enough for it to be disturbing. I know it was my inner self trying to come to terms with my decision. I’ve actually never come to terms with it and it’s been 35 years. I do not react to it like I did back then…but it has affected my entire life. Counseling back then was lacking. I truly believe that my sad feelings about my abortion is something I will take to my grave with me. There is no amount of talking to anyone that is ever going to make that sadness go away. But, one can learn to live with it in a better way. Your dreams should subside at some point and if they do not then you need to “talk” to someone. A good counselor can help your inner self come to terms. It won’t change the sadness associated with it but it can help you live with the occasional thoughts, guilt and or sadness. Best of luck you dear!
Hi there.
I am very depressed and absolutely sad.
Everytime I think about it, I will cry. So far I read every articles here.
I just found out that I am pregnant for about 2 months now.
And my boyfriend and I plan to go for do the abortion tomorrow.
Pls someone help me. I also just did the ultra sound yesterday. I saw it and listened to the heartbeat.
I feel want to have my baby but it seems like my boyfriend is not ready at all from mentally and also his financial for everything.
I am very sad. Pls someone tell me what I should do?
I know I got a lot of burdens but it’s a life inside me, should i?
I have no one to tell to. My boyfriend is the only one who knows about my pregnancy
Just tell your boyfriend that you can’t. Tell him you need him to at least go with you to talk to a pregnancy help center to find out what resources are out there to help you both. Call 1-800-712-HELP or one of the other toll free help lines, right now.
Financial situations can improve. Maturity and mental health can improve. But nothing will bring back your baby if you go ahead and do this.
If you do end up at the abortion clinic, give them a print out of the risk factors even they admit are true here, and tell them which ones you know you have. (Regarding risk factors, read this page and this one, too. Ask them to sign a guarantee that your boyfriend won’t be negatively effected emotionally for the rest of his life, and that you will do better than you think you will right now. Make them promise, in writing, that the abortion will make your life better, not worse. After they dance around and refuse, ask your boyfriend to promise that it will make your life, and his, better, not worse.
You are in our prayers. I truly pray you find the courage and strength to resist this pressure. I promise you will always be glad you did. If my words of encouragement fail, however, know that we will continue be here to help in whatever way we can. But please, don’t let the hope that you can heal (which is only ever partial) become an excuse to do what you know, in your heart, is the wrong thing.
Be not afraid. Things will work out. But you need to give people who care, and God, time to show you how things will work out.
Jenny,
You’re on this site because of several reasons. First, your conscience is bothering you immensely. If you abort your baby, you’ll know you’ve just committed a terrible thing, and you will be up for the next 20 years at night crying, even past the years in which this child will have grown and left your loving home. Second, you’ve already got strong protective maternal instincts. Guess what? You’re gonna be an awesome mom; this strong feeling of love and protection is in you and WILL bring out the best in you. This baby will make you a strong person; an abortion will make you weaker, make you doubt yourself and your worth for the rest of your life, just like it did me.
There’s so much financial support out there for your baby, if you’re worried about money. You will likely get Medicaid for the baby once you apply. You will at least qualify for WIC, to get the baby food in its first few years. You will also be able to get food for the baby. This is a time in your life when you may have to depend on these things. There is no shame in that, and don’t let ANYONE tell you there is more shame in that than in an abortion. LISTEN TO YOUR INNER SELF. My boyfriend left me after my abortion. I thought by listening to him (he was older), I was doing the right thing. NO, I wasn’t. This forum is here and many others all over, because women have suffered mentally and emotionally for THE REST OF THEIR LIVES because we aborted our own child, a part of us.
I’m glad you’re expressing yourself, and it’s time you expressed yourself to your boyfriend. Make the right decision, and stand up not only for yourself but FOR YOUR BABY. How many times have you watched the news and seen a person hurt their own child, and it completely disgusted you? That was someone else’s child! WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO FOR YOUR OWN CHILD? What are you willing to give up for that little being who will love you so much more than anyone in this world ever has?
You’ll do the right thing. Cancel the abortion, lose the few dollars you’ve paid for it, and be able to live, struggle for, fight for, joy with, and LOVE.
Whatever you do, don’t get advice from those near you who will tell you the wrong thing. Find the person who has given you good, strong, tough and rightly honest love, who has good values to counsel with.
I sincerely wish you the best, and my heart goes out for both you and the precious little one, whose heart is beating inside you, whose fingers and toes are already formed, and who God has already determined is meant to be yours.
Much love,
Martha
PS, if you’re doubting, watch the abortion videos online. Watch how big your baby is now, and how he/she already feels and WILL feel being literally torn apart. Let it make you MAD enough to defend his or her life! SO many hugs for you for strength.
martha and el : thanks for both advises. i really appreciate it with all my heart. but there are few things that kept make me confused and in dilemma.
hey,i got pregnant 10yrs ago and my boyfriend denied it,after abortion i felt regreting and right now am looking for a babe i have already tried three timeswith no fruits am scared.May God help me and forgive for such a sin i commited 10yrs ago
Oh, and that situation also showed me that I wasn’t the only one who had suffered for making that decision. That look on his face, when he asked for forgiveness, let me know that he too had been carrying a heavy burden.
M
Barbara, I wish you well. It took me a long time to be able to sleep at night. No doubt our children keep us sane. I hope to teach mine to not make the life-changing mistakes I made. Sometimes forgiveness of the other person helps too. I was pregnant at 20 and the father asked me have an abortion (and I agreed after finding out he was cheating on me, so I knew I would be alone, kind of like your situation). A year and a half ago, (I’m now 38) we saw each other while I was out dancing with my fiance (now my husband). He came up to me later that evening as my husband left to the men’s room. He sincerely apologized for his actions from 16 years ago and any pain it caused me. You know, that was the neatest thing. Repentance and forgiveness. When my husband came back, he told him “You take care of her, she’s a lady.” (The DJ had announced we would be marrying later that week). I walked out of there crying tears with so many mixed emotions. Sadness, acceptance, relief, closure.
There’s no real happy ending, just acceptance that I did a terrible thing but I have learned from it. I will teach my daughters and son to be stronger than I was.
Best, best wishes.
Thank you sooo much for your thoughts Martha. I often wondered if “HE” felt any residual feelings about our child. To this day I’ve never heard a word about it. Our relationship continued for a few years after this…..and he never expressed any kind of feelings about it. I suspect it was because he had 3 kids with his wife. He had a lot on his plate and no time to really think about it. Now we both are in our 60’s……..I have plenty of time to think about about it…an perhaps that is my problem.
I had an abortion 35 years ago. At the time I was a single parent raising my first born child “alone” with little income. I was on birth control when I got pregnant with my second child. It happened with a man who was married and who’s wife just gave birth to their second child. I know, you don’t have to tell me that I created my own misery here but non the less…..I have paid for this mistake far more than I ever imagined I would. His situation caused me to make the worse decision of my life. Had he been supportive I would have made a different choice. From the moment my child was terminated, I suffered extreme emotional pain and suffering. I was not able to shove it under a rug like some do. I was not able to move on, to forget about it or put it away. It’s a universal lie that the world tells us…..that’s it’s OK for a women to take control of her body and her life by terminating her child’s life…..what a lie!!! It’s not OK……….it has haunted me my entire life. I will never get over taking the life of my child and losing the opportunity to know him or her….never! I’ve gone to counseling and all that does is let me get my emotions out. It does not take away the dark cloud I’ve had over my life. The only way I’ve been able to move forward is because I have another child who is alive and he has kept me focused.
Thanks, Barbara, for your sharing your story in the hope it will help others. I pray it will, too.
I’m sorry to hear that the counseling you have received has not been helpful. If your counselor was not trained and experienced in post-abortion counseling methods, I’m not surprised. Going to your average local social worker, therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist can indeed be more frustrating than helpful . . . and in some cases, even harmful if their own biases, ignorance, or their own unresolved issues related to involvement in past abortions gets in the way.
If you did try a post-abortion healing ministry and found the program didn’t help, please don’t give up. I’m sure that there is one that can and will help you get out from under this dark cloud. You’ll never forget but you can and will feel better and can transform your pain into strength and wisdom. Please read our tips on finding a post-abortion healing ministry. You’ve suffered enough. It is time to heal. In fact, I’d even argue that God wants you to heal and that the longer you delay in finding that healing the longer you delay in pleasing Him. Don’t give up hope. Don’t hang onto your grief and guilt. Replace your grief and guilt with gratefulness for the mercy of God and the promise that you will one day be reunited with your aborted child in God’s merciful grace.
Thank you for your kind words and wisdom El. I do appreciate it! I recently thought about seeking out therapy again. I think it might be a good idea. You are right in that God has already forgiven this terrible choice I made. All I need to do is forgive myself. Thanks again!
opps, sorry I meant to say that I agree with Aimee that no one HAS to have an abortion.
It is EL that I disagree with it.
You mention that having the choice of abortion can empower a woman. How can taking a life empower someone???? Taking the life of the most innocent of God’s creatures is not empowering. It is wrong, wrong , wrong.
I’m not saying that I believe abortion truly empowers women in any way that brings good results. It does “empower/enable” them to get abortions more easily. I’m also saying that many proponents of abortion believe it “empowers” women in a way that makes their lives better (though I disagree), but even from this premise it is important to look further and see that the same process of legalizing abortion to make it easier for women who want an abortion to find one also makes it much easier for others to coerce women into having unwanted abortions.
Before you agree with Aimee that no on HAS to have an abortion, read the testimony of “Denise”. This is an extreme example of a young woman being literally forced to have an abortion despite her pleas to stop it. You’ll find more in our forced abortions reports.
Thank you SOOOOO much. I just googled irregular periods after birth and it seems to be very common. What a HUGE sigh of relief. I dont know why i didnt think of googling that before abortion. I really hope it is just a scare. If it is just a scare it has been the biggest scare of my life and has me wanting to tie my tubes. But just because i really dont want another baby NOW doesnt mean i wouldnt want more in the future. But thank you again for the peace of mind….for now! 🙂
I’m glad we could help. But please, don’t rush out and get your tubes tied. You’re right to realize that you may want to have more children someday in the future and it very expensive, difficult, and not always successful to restore fertility. I just spoke with a woman the other day who bemoaned that she had her tubes tied after her second child was born. You remain in my prayers.
Ok. I don’t know if i am pregnant or not but i have a strong feeling I am. I have 2 children. Oldest is almost 21 months and the youngest almost 3 months. It took a while to get pregnant with my first and got pregnant on the first “try” with my 2nd. Being that it was so easy to get pregnant the second time around I am literally going crazy thinking I am pregnant right now. Me and my husband had unprotected sex twice in a row. This was 2 days before my expected period and its already going to be 4 days late (i got pregnant with my 2nd over a week after ovulating) By the time i considered the morning after pill it was too late.
I cant get the thought i might be pregnant out of my head. So now i am considering abortion if indeed i am. This is a HUGE deal for me. I have ALWAYS been VERY against abortion. I know i am overreacting because i don’t even know for sure yet. But i literally cry all day because i’m CONSIDERING abortion. I really don’t want to abort. I don’t want to go thru the pregnancy either. My husband wants me to keep it. I wish i knew for sure but i don’t think i’m ready to face reality. I have no idea what i’m going to do and its driving me nuts!!!!!! I see all these feelings of regret and i know i would to. Help?!?!
I understand how overwhelmed you feel. But try not to stress out. Stay calm, and trust that God has a plan for you. Even if it is only to “scare” you for a few days to start thinking more deeply about the issue of pregnancy and abortion. Don’t let yourself be drawn into thinking about an abortion is your only option — especially when you know it is the wrong thing to do.
Since you just recently delivered, your period may just be irregular. If you are breast feeding, that may also make it irregular. Normally, a woman’s period will start very close to 14 days after ovulation. The old rhythm method attempted to estimate ovulation date based on this backward looking pattern. Modern methods for identifying your fertile days allow you to identify the bodily symptoms that occur before and during ovulation. Every woman should learn how to recognize when her body is telling her she is infertile and when she is ovulating. A good starting place to learn this is at the Billings Ovulation Method website.
If you are pregnant, remember that your not the first woman to have had two little ones within a year of each other. It will work out, just as it works out for people who have twins. Indeed, the one year difference between the kids will likely make them very close to each other on an emotional level, just like real twins.
I know if feels overwhelming, but also remember that with each child the demands on your attention from each child are actually reduced. The more children, the more they interact with and entertain each other. Sure, your still busy all the time…but even one keeps you busy all the time. With three, five, or even eight . . . your life doesn’t get busier, just busier with a different set of busyness than if you were devoting all your time to one or two.
It will work out. You are especially blessed to have a husband who supports you and is welcoming of additional children. Be calm. Trust him. And especially trust that God has a plan. Pray, “Thy will be done” and try to develop a heart that welcomes children, even if they are unplanned (by you) and seemingly ill-timed. You know, as I do, that if you are pregnant and do have this child, five years from now you will be so thankful for each and every one of your children and will wonder at why you were so worried now. Things will work out! Pray for peace of mind and trust God, your husband, and your children!
My wife had an abortion 6 months ago. We are in a long distance relationship and we were eachothers loves of life. She wants to leave me now. Because i wasnt there when she needed me. I have traveled to her and did research online on post abortion trauma. She has all the symptoms of post abortion stress syndrome. I acknowledge my mistakes in the involvement, at the time we were both not ready for a child and i handled it completely wrong. I apologized to her and acknowledged my mistakes and bad behavior in it. She says she wants a divorce. I dont want to lose her. I know she is going to regret leaving me, i dont want her to go through that. I know she doesnt want to get hurt again and i dont want to hurt her again like that. She says im 6 months too late and there is no chance of her changing her mind. How do i save my marriage?
I’m very sorry to hear what you are going through. I suggest you read some of the advise given in the comments section to other men and couples on our page regarding abortion and relationships.
Whether or not she will ever open her heart to even trying to see if the relationship can be saved, I cannot say. It’s possible, but requires an act of will on her part . . . which includes a decision to at least try. Even if she won’t make the effort, at least for now, I still encourage you to participate in a post-abortion program for men, perhaps a Rachel’s Vineyard weekend retreat. It may help you to better understand where she is right now and even help you to open her heart to going herself.
If there is any openness to both of you learning how to face your pasts and repair your marriage, you might also see if she would be willing to participate in Retrouvaille program. I don’t know if or how this could be done if you continue to be in a long distance relationship. So a big question may be whether or not you are willing to move permanently to where she is in order to mend the relationship.
You are both in our prayers.
When I was 15, I was top of my classes and played a multitude of sports. When I fell pregnant, my world shattered. How would I go to university? How would I go through medicine?
The emotion I felt? Relief. Happiness. Contentment. Dignity. Not resentment, anger, depression etc. These emotions are generally only experienced by women who have been forced or coerced into having an abortion.
That is my story.
Thank you for sharing your experience. We hope you continue to have a happy life. While it is true that negative emotions are prevalent among women who are coerced, it is also true that women who freely choose an abortion can also have negative reactions. Sometimes these are arise years later, for example, after delivering a planned pregnancy or when faced with difficulty becoming pregnant, or even late in life, when reflecting in a retirement home. So, coping well immediately after an abortion is not a guarantee that one will never have negative emotional effects. I’m writing this not to predict that you will eventually have problems. I sincerely hope you do not. I’m writing this instead to tell others who read your story to not interpret your contentment with your decision as something they can be assured of having, much less maintaining over a life time, as long as they don’t feel pressured into having an abortion. The experience can be different for everyone, as I am sure you will agree.
I’m 35 now, and I have three beautiful children. I had no problems falling pregnant and I know that if I had taken my young pregnancy all the way, I wouldn’t have this life, my husband or my wonderful children.
I will never regret my decision.
Aime
I am glad you have 3 children…so do I. I aborted at 20, about halfway through college, and I saw no way out. Immediately after college, I married a man with a handful of children who paid lots of child support, so I worked and mothered his kids. We divorced many years later, but during that time, I realized that if I could help him raise this bunch of kids, I certainly could have raised one all alone, and I probably would have been just fine (which I did not think I could do when I got pregnant; we women have amazing capabilities when we put our minds to it). One of the myths we fall into is that we couldn’t have “achieved” the things we have if we hadn’t aborted. I’m sure you would have been able to have a family and a loving husband just the same if you had had your child. When I had my first child, and subsequent ones, I cried and tortured myself with the guilt. You may not have any now, and you may never, but who knows, if your daughters are ever faced with this, if your opinion will change from a grandparent’s point of view. Or what if your daughters have one, but instead of reacting like you did, they are tortured every night for it? I hope this never happens to any mother or woman. In the end, we have all been given a conscience. I wish my conscience had been as educated as it is now. It helps me make better decisions that I can live with, and I hope to pass along my experience to my daughters so that they never feel like they have to have an abortion.
No one HAS to have an abortion. That’s what being pro-choice is about. Being able to make your own decision about your body, be it abortion, adoption, parenthood, surrogacy, sperm donors or IVF.
It’s about, as you said, using our “amazing capabilities” to make decisions.
Your claim that “No one HAS to have an abortion,” is naive and ill informed. Please read our reports on forced abortions. They happen every day. In some cases, they occur as the direct result of acts of physical violence, as detailed in the report. Coerced abortions can also occur with the threat of abandonment (unfairly forcing a woman to choose between losing the man she loves or aborting the baby she always dreamed of giving birth to) or threat of economic and emotional betrayal (as in the case of the 15-year-old who told her mother she didn’t want to have an abortion, but knew she had no choice when her mother responded with just four words: “Where will you live?”)
You can pretend, for the sake of ideology, that the 64% of women having abortions who report feeling pressured to have the abortion, had a “choice” and their choice was to give into the pressures they faced. But many say “I had no choice” and many believe that legalizing abortion just made it easier for other people to pressure women into unwanted, unsafe, and unnecessary abortions . . . to satisfy the interests of the other people who wanted them to abort, not the primary interests of these women who are having these unwanted abortions.
I’m sure it’s comforting to wrap the “pro-choice” ideology around the ideal, strong, independent woman who can resist the pressures to have an abortion she doesn’t want. But in the real world, not all women are strong and independent enough that they can resist the pressures to give into an unwanted abortion. Maybe you blame them for not being strong enough. Maybe you think that any regrets, grief, and guilt they experience for “being too weak” to resist an unwanted abortion is what they deserve. Or maybe you just haven’t thought deeply enough about the fact that legalizing abortion on request is a double edged sword. It may empower women who want an abortion for their own reasons to more easily obtain an abortion. But at the same time, it empowers those with influence over women who are not inclined to have an abortion to exert that influence in either dramatic or subtle ways in order to force, pressure, guide, or suggest (anywhere on that continuum) women into having abortions they otherwise would not have ever wanted.
In short, I think your comment spouts a pro-choice rhetoric is devoid of enough real world insights. It is really a “poor-choice
philosophy which ignores whether or not a choice serves one for the good or ill over the long term, in favor of defending as the most absolute value the assertion, “At least you had a choice.” If you ever saw Sophie’s Choice, you would realize that not all choices are fair, or ennobling, and there are many who will not hesitate to put people into the position of making a no-win “choice.”
Instead of hiding behind the rhetoric that the pro-choice ideology guarantees that no one has to have an abortion, try stepping around to proposing solutions which will help prevent unwanted, unsafe, and unnecessary abortions. If you can’t do that, then please explain why such an effort would violate your pro-choice principles? Shouldn’t every abortion actually benefit the woman who has it? Or does that simply not matter to you?
Or look at it this way. What ratio of good outcomes to bad outcomes should we expect and accept living in a “pro-choice” world? For example, for every 100 women having abortions who claim that it made there lives better, how many should we accept as a tolerable trade off who claim that it made there lives worse? 10? (1 bad outcome for every 10 good outcomes?) 100? (1 bad for every good outcome?) 1000? (10 bad for every 1 good?)
Or will you, like many pro-choice advocates I’ve spoken to, insist that such a ratio is irrelevant? Their position is that “choice” it itself the highest value, and from this it follows that as long as women are making a choice (even if it is a “sacrificial choice” to agree to the demands of loved ones who want them to abort) then it does not matter if there are a million women who regret their abortions for every single woman who believes it was the greatest decisions she ever made. As long as they had a choice, the outcome is irrelevant. For me, that’s not a pro-choice philosophy; it’s a poor-choice philosophy.
Hi all,
I’m trying to relate to these posts. My on and off girlfriend fell pregnant 6 Weeks ago. I went to Bali for my sisters wedding and came home to the news. She wants a termination which I have agreed to. I mean we were stupid were in a broken relationship and want to travel most likely end up being separately. Wouldn’t be right bringing a kid up in this environment. We have booked in to have the termination in 4 days time. I have always wanted to be a father but under the right circumstance. Feeling a bit confused about how I should feel. I completely want to be supportive for her decision, it’s her body. Logic says a termination is right for us both but I still feel torn. All my mates are saying just get rid of it.
Not sure what to do or what to say or how to feel. I don’t even know how to talk to her. She is very closed at the moment.
Thanks for writing JJ. You’re in a tough spot. I understand when you say “logic says a termination is right for us both but I still feel torn.” It is likely that he is also thinking the same: on a logical level it is the right thing but on a heart level she too is not so certain.
I understand she is closed off…and the reason she is closed off is because her heart is torn and she’s afraid of opening it up and losing her resolve. Keeping her heart closed is the way to stay focused on the “logical” solution. The problem is that the “logical” solution can lead to so many future problems. It solves the short term problem, but opens up huge future issues in regard to how one sees oneself, whether one is a parent of a dead child or not, whether or not one should grieve or feel guilty, and may create future problems with premature births or infertility which will really cause immense emotional suffering.
I suggest telling her that you’ve begun to research it and just aren’t comfortable with it anymore. Tell her your concerned for her future well being, and your own, and also that you just feel that the right thing to do is to buck up and take responsibility for the child. It’s just what your heart, as a man, wants to do.
Ask her to read some of the testimonies of women who have regretted their abortions and some of the research. Plus, both of you should read through the risk factors for having more emotional problems after an abortion. (See here, too.) She should also look at the physical risks of having an abortion.
All of these issues should also be part of a “logical” decision.
The biggest mistake is to imagine that having an abortion will just turn back the clock and everything will go on as it was before she became pregnant. That is simply not true. Either way, things will never be the same. The only difference is that on one hand you will be the parent of a living child that you will love, even if you place the child for adoption, or you will be the parents of a child who was never born, who you will wonder about and either grieve (and heal) or avoid grieving (and live for years with repressed grief).
Finally, you should read more about how abortion can impact men. Here’s a second link for research on men and abortion.
While emotional and spiritual healing are possible after an abortion, that’s like saying a prosthetic is possible after an amputation. It’s better to avoid an abortion than to try to heal from it afterwards.
You, she, and your baby are in our prayers. Be honest with her. Don’t be a afraid to oppose her decision. But do so showing your concern, your love, and asking her to research it more for herself, too.
Kathy, God will forgive you. Can i be honest with you? I want to be honest with you because even though i do not know you, I care about how you are feeling and just saying stuff that I think that you “want” to hear will do you know good. You need to hear what needs to be said. For we are our brothers keeper!
God loves you so much and he also loves those babies, too.
We are made in the image and likeness of God. Because of this all of God’s creatures, human and animals, deserve the most utmost respect and the chance to live.
Again God will forgive you. BUT I hope you know that with forgiveness MUST come change. It is very wrong to ask forgiveness but yet keep on making the same mistake. Forgiveness and changing your life must happen together.
So many people in this world think that because they ask for forgiveness and feel that is good enough and do not change their ways, it is okay. Nothing could be further from the truth.
God wants you to be happy. He wants you to be happy with the right person in your life and will bring out the best in you. It sound like those other men, would not do that.
Again, I am going to be very honest with you cause I care for you very much:
Those little babies have the right to be born. Basically what is happening is that from your posting you are saying that you realized that you are making mistakes with these men, but killing your baby is not the solution. It is not your baby’s fault. There are so many couples out there that want to adopt a baby so bad. I have a friend who can’t have children and they would give anything in this world to be able to adopt from someone who is in your position. It rips thier heart out when they hear people having an abortion and they say that they would love that baby.
It sounds like from your posting that your conscience is bothering you. There is a reason for this, I think that if you dig deep into your soul you know why.
But, Kathy, you MUST be honest with yourself. God can’t forgive you if you continue down the same path, that path must change.
You deserve the very best out of life!!!!
Please do not be upset with me for being honest with you.
Hi my name is Kathy & I am 30. I had my first abortion at 23 bc I had a 2 year old & felt like I wasn’t ready for another child. Years later the guy & I separated & I became involve with someone else. Few months later found out I was pregnant I knew he was not the man I wanted to father my child so we agreed to have an abortion. So now at 30 I became pregnant from a guy that I been with for 2 years. The month I became pregnant from him was the month I found out he cheated & I knew he was not the man for me & I was not going to let a cheating man father my child. 2 weeks ago I had an abortion. I have had more then 1 abortion. I feel like each time I had good reason but I still hurt & cry at times. I just pray that God forgive me for the bad decisions I have made.
Kathy, God will forgive you, but He also wants you to learn from your mistakes. That process, both healing and learning, is best accomplished with others who have been through what you are and are going through the healing process like you are. I strongly encourage you to read our tips on finding a post-abortion healing program and to participate in a program as soon as possible. It’s not enough to just pray for God’s forgiveness. You also need to pray for His healing touch, which almost always includes an aspect of social connection with people who understand you, can show you love, and can help you in the process of healing and learning from your past so that you can be a better person for yourself and for others in the future. Even our “bad decisions” offer an opportunity to grow and become the people God wants us to be.
Don’t give up. But neither should you avoid the work that is necessary to truly heal. It’s tempting to avoid, because you don’t want to open your heart to the grief and tears which are part of the healing process. But it is so worth it. Bottling up your feelings and hiding from them only prolongs the suffering and delays the healing you want and need. You are in our prayers.
I had an abortion about 6 months ago. My mother made me do this… Im 19 and i suffer from depression. I never in my life thought of doing this. I was 9 weeks when i saw my baby. At times i cant eat nor sleep, i broke up with my boyfriend, and left my house. Im suicidal… Im guessing this is why my boyfriend left me in the first place. I was pregnant again but suffered an accident at work, because of that i had a miscarriage. I feel so worthless, why wasnt I strong enough to keep it? I ask myself that question every day
Yesenia, I’m so sorry about your experience — what a very hard thing to go through. Thank you for coming here to share your story. Please know that you are not alone and that there are people who can help, and who would be glad to talk with you. You can find links to some organizations that offer free and confidential help on our healing page at http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/. Or check out the Abortion Recovery website at http://abortionrecovery.org. Click on the “Care Directory” link and put in your zip code to find local counselors, support groups, etc. Please don’t try to go through this alone; so many people want to help.
Hayley:
I just read your posting. I wish I could give you a hug. I wish I could be standing there holding your hand and begging you not to take the life of YOUR baby. Your baby is made because of what ever reason God wills it. Please allow your baby to live.
I wish I could scoop you up and take care of you and just help you and support you. I have poem for you to read, I hope it touches your heart and soul. I will pray for you!!!
Mommy keep me safe.
Mommy keep me warm.
Handle me with all your love
Mommy help me form.
I’m six weeks old today.
This birthday gift to me.
A pair of bright blue eyes.
That some day you will see.
I’ve hardly got my ears.
A pudgy little nose. And
at the end of my feet.
Are little things called toes.
Looking forward to my life.
Ice cream, and snail’s, teddy bear’s,
Toys and long fairy tales
Where are we going today Mommy?
I wonder where today.
A bath or a bus or perhaps far away.
Why are you lying down
being pushed on 4 wheel’s.
This usually doesn’t happen
How funny does this feel.
Passing through a door, people
All dressed in green, Mommy
If they hurt you just let out
a scream.
Mommy what’s happening
I’m starting to cry.
Mommy come quickly they’re
Making me die…
Bye Mommy
I love you!
It saddens me to read all of the stories that all of you have gone through or are currently going through. I pray for the end of abortion all the time.
I do not know if any of you know about this organization called Rachel’s Vineyard. It is a weekend long retreat for women who have had an abortion and also fro men who have been in an relationship where an abortion occured.
I encourage you to at least go online and look it up. Please do!!
Hayley,
I’ve had more than one abortion and they were over 22 years ago! I still feel the pain and shame and I wish so deeply that I could go back and somehow know what I know now. I have 2 beautiful children now! But my abortions efect every part of my life. I have been forgiven because Jesus forgives all when we ask. But I still have to live with the consequences, both physical and psychological. It’s like a dirty dark secret that separates you from everyone else. Even though others say they understand and they love you anyway, I think that only God truly understands. You know what it is like to have a baby. It is wonderful! But having an abortion was like having the life sucked out of me and being left with an emptiness that nothing can fill until the day in heaven when I hold my child again. Please give your baby a chance at life. It may not be easy, but you will not regret having another sweet child. But you will always regret having an abortion. Believe me, neither one of these men, either your partner or you lover will think of you in a positive way if you follow through with this abortion. No matter what they say now, things will be different then. I will pray for you to have strength and courage to have your baby. Life is never a wrong choice!
help. i had abortion thrice
Please read our tips on finding a post-abortion counseling group that will fit your needs. Some have toll free numbers that will direct you to a counselor whom you can talk to by phone.
Don’t give up hope. There are many women who have been where you are emotionally right now who have found tremendous healing and want to share that healing with you.
If the links above don’t work, here is the link: http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/
You are in our prayers.
I dunno what to do, I’m pregnant and I have to have an abortion to keep my family together , it’s not my partners ( we already have 4 kids) its the man i been having an affair with,and I’m petrified of having the abortion, (my lover wants me to keep it but my partner said if i do hes gonna leave our family home) having researched it and reading stories of women that have gone thru it it scares me to death , nearly all the women regretted it and ended up depressed n suicidal… I know that will be me- I want this baby but my partner will leave if I keep it help!
Dear Hayley,
You are in a terrible bind. You’re in our prayers.
You are right to be scared of having an abortion which clearly goes against everything in your heart and will be a plague on your efforts to get your life back together.
I STRONGLY encourage you to look at our pregnancy help page and start talking to people at the pregnancy help centers. Hopefully, one or more can help you get relationship counseling. If there is anyway to salvage your relationship with your partner, it’s going to be through counseling, not through having an abortion…which will likely just make things worse between the two of you and then you’ll still end up without him.
The most important thing I can tell you is that having an abortion is never an effective way of saving or improving a relationship…whether the child is your partner’s or someone else’s, as in your case. It just adds more problems to your life and your relationship.
Maybe, in the course of relationship counseling he can accept being a parent to this child from your affair. Men can do this if they believe you really love them and are committed to not having an affair in the future. If you can’t make that commitment, then you don’t love him enough to try to hold onto this relationship, do you?
The fact that you posted a comment here demonstrates that your heart is screaming out to not have this abortion. This is one case where you should listen to your heart because you know it is telling you a deep moral and personal truth . . . having an abortion will scar your mind, heart and soul. And if either of the men in your life really care about you, they won’t push you into this act of self-destruction.
Don’t give into despair. Don’t do what you know is the wrong thing, something that will bring years of hurt and grief. It’s better to lose a man who is not committed to loving you than to lose a child who will love you forever.
You are in my prayers.
Hi… I’m not sure if anyone ever looks at these comments anymore, but I figured I would give it a shot.
I’m seventeen now, still incredibly young and admittedly naive. But at one point I did think I had the answers to everything. When I was sixteen, I was raped by my former step-father, and aborted a child at about nine weeks as a result. There were so many reasons why I thought, and still do think, it was the best decision. I don’t want to be that person who says that they could have never loved their potential child, but I knew that at the time, more than anything, I resented my situation. I never hated the life inside of me, but simply regarded it as… well, nothing at all. I had no emotional attachment to it. I wanted to finish school, live up to my bright future. There was no means for me to care for it and no way I could ever put my family through the hardship that raising a child would be. That is just the reality of it.
Call me silly, but before the abortion, I sort of said sorry to my stomach. I don’t know if that was a mistake and is contributing at all to my emotional turmoil now. I asked not to see the ultrasound, not to hear the heartbeat, and checked the no box to anything that might make me regret my decision. The people at the clinic were so nice to me, so comforting. I have no scarring in regards to that.
But as I redressed, I happen to catch sight of something the doctor neglected to remove from the screen: The ultrasound of my baby. In spite of having no regrets, the image still haunts me.
I have dreams that I took the pregnancy to term, and can see myself loving the child in spite of the background it came from. However, in no way do I wish that I had had it. Yet I’m still terribly, terribly sad. A horrible sense of guilt still hangs over me, and I find myself still apologizing to a baby that is no longer there… I don’t really know what to make of it.
I’ve tried to speak to my mom about it, but she doesn’t really understand. When she asks me if I regret the abortion, I answer no with confidence. I tell her that I don’t “regret” it, but I’m really sad that it had to happen, and I don’t think she really gets the emotion I have for it. As long as she hears that I’m not regretting, I think she shrugs it off. She calls me strong, she calls me her hero… But I don’t feel like one at all.
The only other person I could talk to is my older sister. She would take the time to get my counseling if I needed it. Trouble is, I could never burden her like that again, especially now that her and her husband are expecting now as well. I’m not sad about this, though. It was a planned pregnancy, after all- they love each other very much and I’m excited to bring a niece or nephew into the world that I can give my love to as well. I’m just afraid that bringing these things up right now would be wrong of me. I don’t want to make her sad or upset when anything about babies should excite her.
Can anyone offer some helpful advice?
Dear “Crim,”
Your feelings make perfect sense to many of those who have had abortions, and certainly every post-abortion healing counselor worth her salt would be able to immediately tune in to where you are.
The word “regret” doesn’t resonate with your feelings because your abortion was “the right” rational choice for all the reasons you mentioned, and probably many more. Plus, given your situation, being pregnant after rape in which there is widespread social approval for abortion, that to adds to the sense that it was the right decision, and if it was the right decision how can one regret doing what was right and had to be done?
So, on the head level, there’s not much argument for regret. But at the heart level, you experienced a death . . . not only in your life, but within your body. Whether you call it a potential human life or an unborn child is just semantics which either de-emphasize or emphasize the “value” of the life that was growing inside you. And on an emotional level, that life had value . . . and potentially tremendous value . . . and you experienced the loss of that life (which summons up feelings of grief) and also consented to an abortion which caused that loss (which summons up feelings of guilt).
Your experience and what you are going through now is not uncommon and there are many post-abortion counseling programs, most of which are free or have nominal cost if you can afford to pay a little, that can help you work through the grief, loss and guilt. A few may also be able to help you work through the related and intertwined issues related to the sexual abuse you suffered. Please read our tips and referrals page for post-abortion healing programs. From what little I know of your case, I’m inclined to recommend that you try to attend a Rachel’s Vineyard weekend, but you’ll need to use your own best judgment in selecting . . . and perhaps trying more than one program.
The goal of any good program is to help you first to have support to go through (or even restart) the grieving process so you can finish processing the grief the same way you would if you experienced the death of a friend or family member. In the case of abortion, this grief process is often blocked by internal or social barriers. This is why one of the most popular books on post-abortion healing is called “Forbidden Grief.”
You can and will be able to process and reconcile this entire experience in your life if you are patient with yourself and persistent in seeking the help of experienced post-abortion counselors. As described in our tips, if you try a program or counselor and it doesn’t seem to be working for you, please try again. In complex cases such as yours, a less experienced post-abortion counselor may just not be the right person for you.
Don’t give up. You are in my prayers.
Hi,
I have 5 weeks inside me; but will be aborting it after 3 weeks as doc said they want to see heart beat to abort it.Its just been a year and half for our marriage and we never wanted that too early and was very careful about precautions in those unsafe days; but some how my cycle changed and missed my period and got conceived not..last scan i saw embryo sav as it was too early …I am strong enuf and have not shared with anyone except my husband.but sometimes i feel realy bad as mom gets emotional for child.I just moved year back and after so much of big hunt finally got job 3 months before.I am so profound now.My hubby keeps me happy and being very supportive.I feel very scared when it comes to surgery.i have to wait for couple of weeks to get terminated.you know its really hard for a girl to feel that baby inside her and get terminated after some weeks.I cant keep it becoz we never planned I am not physically and mentally prepared for it if it comes out.& also its so hard to be with that baby inside me.I just dont know how to convince myself in this.sometimes feel strong and sometimes I feel low.I just dont know whats gonna happen ;I wish keeping myself busy with something might help me to come out of abortion.Plz help.
thanks
Kandy, thank you so much for posting. I would really urge you to to talk to someone to get more information and find out about all your options before you go ahead with this. You can find a list of organizations that offer support and counseling to pregnant women at http://www.theunchoice.com/pregnancyhelp.htm.
I’m 16 I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of the year I recently had a forced abortion in March but now I can’t talk to another boy and I can’t get over that I could’ve been holding my child
Dear Yosheena,
Our hearts and prayers go out to you. We encourage you to find a person trained in post-abortion healing who can listen to you in a safe, supportive environment and may be able to help you to find the healing you really need. Such healing will help you in future relationships both with guys and with your future children. IF you just try to shove your abortion experience behind you without proper healing, it can disrupt your future relationships. Please check out our tips and list of resources to find a free post-abortion healing program near you.
im so torn right now im 19 and just found out i was pregnant… my ex boyfriend (child’s dad) told me have fun been a single mother. his family is all for having an abortion.. my family is strictly against it…. my ex struggles with addictions and very abusive . he choked me when we were having a conversation about it. he wants nothing to do with me and our child. im torn because i wasnt suppose to have kids and now i got blessed… but ive also been a victim of sexual assult by my own father. im scared i cant protect my child & i know that my ex knows it hurts me the most.
i just dont know if im strong enough to deal with having to tell my child where his family is let alone his grandpa.. i came from a broken family and this was the biggest things i feared. my child growing up without a dad.. i feel like my ex and his family is over powering my thoughts. hes used everything ive ever told him against me…. my family is there for me and want me to keep my baby.. im seriously just scared.. growing up the way i did took me a long time to accept to this day i dont know if i actually accepted it. im scared im not emotionally ready but i know i can do it .. its just my inner fears thats making me read about abortions… im scared if i get one i will not be able to handle the stress , you woman are strong who have done it. i just need some advice on this.. i feel alone but i have my own family 🙁 i only came out about my dad 5 months ago & still dealing with the emotions everyday… 🙁 I NEED SOME ADVICE PLZ HELP ME ….
Stay strong, Alicia. You are so lucky to have family that want to help and support you. I’m sure it is still scary, but you are really blessed to have anyone in your corner. The good news is that as time goes by, more and more people will be there to help you.
Regarding the ex boyfriend and his family, consider getting a restraining order to keep him away and prevent his even communicating with you and hassling you. You might be able to get free legal help from an abused women’s shelter or a pregnancy help center.
Your history of being sexually abused magnifies the negative effects that you would be more likely to experience if you had an abortion. Adding another trauma (abortion) on top of the traumas you have already faced will just make things worse. Having the courage to stand up for yourself and your baby, and trusting that God has a plan for your future and your child’s (which includes how he or she will adjust and accept your past and the family issues involved), are all steps in your healing process related to being a victim of abuse by your father. It shows that you aren’t being controlled by your past but are making the best decisions you can.
There are a lot of resources, including just good new friends, to help you. Please look at our resource page for women who are pregnant. Obviously, support from your family is best, but the additional support you can get from people trained and with resources to help you will be of help to all of you. If you need someone to call, you can call us at 217.525.8202 — though all we can offer is a supportive ear. It’s really the pregnancy resource centers that can give you the most help, both before and after your baby is born.
Don’t let your ex bully you . . . or his family or any of his friends. Get a restraining order and don’t hesitate to call the police and have it enforced. His efforts to push you into an abortion is abuse. Don’t put up with it.
Have courage. Be patient. It is most likely that someday, in God’s own good timing, He will bring a man into your life who is not only worthy and deserving of your love but who will also be a great dad for your child . . . and your future children. But you can’t get too caught up in worrying about all the future possibilities. Today, do the most important thing . . . protect yourself and your child from the small mindedness of your ex and his family.
You are in our prayers.
I had unprotected sex once with my boyfriend. I took the morning after pill too late. I came to him crying that i was pregnant, and he talked to me into getting an abortion. He said he has to finish school and is working, and he is also not from this country(but is a permanent resident) He said he wanted to do this for our future. He wanted to stay together but i was so angry and upset i just wanted to forget it, and move on, and i was emotionally ready to check out. He didn’t really want to let me go, but he can’t even talk about our future together it frustrates me so much, he frustrates me to the point of feeling angry and depressed because his communication style is so unlike mine. We are on and off and he’s a good guy i think but sometimes he seems so cold , i can’t handle it. I was fine after that, making small talk with him, trying to be friends, but he says he misses me wants to see me. so i give in and get emotionally involved again. He recently dropped a bomb, that crippled me. He confessed that he found out three months ago that he has a child that was born after he left the country and is with his mom, apparently she informed his mom of the child and now the 4 year old is living with her. He says he doesn’t want to fight with me, and i know he loves me, but i don’t know what to do, im so angry and sad. I lashed out at him, he said he wanted to start a new chapter with me, but needed to tell me that first. I’ve had some choice words to say, and told him i love all people as well as your child. I went on about our abortion and what it meant to me, and how this reminds me of that. I blame him and the pain is too much, i had some depression and anxiety before but this seems to amplify it. My family and friends think im just fine, i put on a great show. But when im alone, im in so much anguish that it hurts. I can’t afford a therapist, i have too many bills. I feel guilty for feeling depressed when alot of people have less than me. Btw he is from africa and he always wonders why i cry, i think this is because he has seen serious hardships.
Dear Rachael,
The good news is that you don’t need to be able to afford a therapist to get help. In fact, since very few therapists are trained in post-abortion counseling, seeing an untrained therapist might not only be a waste of money but might also set you back even more.
Please read our page with tips on post-abortion healing and referrals to find a program that you can participate in–generally, free of charge, or for only a small amount. Some programs, like the Rachel’s Vineyard weekend retreat, can be done with your partner. In your case, I think it would be extremely helpful if you were able to convince him to participate in the program with you . . . as support for you, and also so he more fully understands what you are going through, and also, perhaps, how this whole experience has affected him in ways he (and you) may not fully realize.
You are in our prayers.
Thank you, i will look into that.
i wish i never had to go through this, i dont sleep , i cry all the time. i act strong but im hurt i feel horrible. im19 in college playing college basketball trying to be sucessful , i think it was the right thing for me but it hurts so bad. my boyfriend broke up with me when i told him i was , it was my first time tooo. i just feel like ill never get feelings for anyone ever again. i also feel like its written on my forhead and it wont come off i cant take it anymore.i feel like i dont even deserve to be happy and have kids in the furture. will it ever become easier to live with ?
Dear Georgie, we strongly encourage you to read our tips on post-abortion healing and to find a program that you can participate in. With the right help from people who are actually trained in this field (and most often, who have also been through the same experience), things will get better and you will be able to look toward the future without being bound by your past. Don’t lose hope. But do reach out for help.
I had an abortion a month ago and still can’t forget this experience. I am 21 and father is 25. I found out I was pregnant two weeks after we broke up and I told him straight away that I wasn’t killing a baby. The reply I got was “I’m not saying you should but if you keep the baby, you know your going to be a single mum right” That was it for me, i couldn’t bear the thoughts of my child not having a father. So I made him book an appointment for me to get an abortion which he was more than happy to do. He booked the appointment and I intentionally missed it. That night he called me upset and was cussing me the whole time on the phone and threatened to leave the country. I just couldn’t do it alone so I decided to have an abortion. I cried when I saw the ultrascan. I knew I should have walked out but I didn’t and now my baby is dead!
I cry every night before I go to sleep because I wanted to keep the baby. I was only 8 weeks but I had a physical connection with my baby. It always used to make cute sounds and I used to talk to it. When I had my follow up appointment and was told the pregnancy is gone, I broke down in tears because I didn’t want my baby to die, I wanted it to survive, I feel like a murderer ….
Dear Yvonne,
Sadly, your story is so very typical. They guy pressuring for the abortion with threats of abandonment and the woman left holding the emotional baggage of betraying her maternal desires and moral beliefs because of the fears surrounding being abandoned to the unknowns of being a single mother.
I strongly encourage you to find a post-abortion healing program where you can have someone who can talk to you, and will be both non-judgmental while also respecting your grief and guilt. With support and understanding, you can heal and learn from this experience how to be a better person and how to help others.
While most of the links to post-abortion healing programs are for programs in the USA, several have affiliated programs in the UK. An internet search will help you to find local resources.
In my view, the most culpable persons in your tragedy were the doctors who approved and performed your abortion. Technically, under UK law they should only have recommended and performed the abortion if there was evidence that carrying the baby to term posed greater threat to you well being than having a child. There is clear evidence that the risk of death from all causes is higher after an abortion than after childbirth. And also, that the risk of psychological trauma is higher after an abortion . . . especially in cases such as yours where you felt pressured and abandoned by your boyfriend and had so much ambivalence and a desire to not have the abortion. Your abortion probably did not comply with British law and was technically illegal as discussed elsewhere. Conscientious doctors doing proper screening should have identified that you were a bad candidate for abortion and should have referred you to social services to help encourage intervention counseling with you and your boyfriend, and maybe you and your family, all with the intention of helping you to resolve issues and find a way to help you keep the baby…which was what you really wanted to find a way to do. In short, you were the victim of medical negligence that simply rubber stamps every request for abortion and ignores both the emotional and physical risks.
My heart goes out to you. Do not give up hope. You can find healing, forgiveness, and a way to grow from this painful experience. The best way to start is to find someone at a post-abortion healing ministry that will respect and understand your grief, and will help you through the grief process.
I don’t know what to feel anymore.. I am now 4 month pregnant, and my parents are forcing me into an abortion. They believe that even though I want to keep my baby it’s not worth it at all. Why? Because it belongs to my ex-boyfriend whom I still love.. I loved my boyfriend more than anything or anyone else in this world. We were happily together for almost 3 years, until I had caught him cheating on me. He was talking to another girl behind my back telling her lies about being single and how he wanted to get to know her more.. All my trust for him just dropped completely. Ever since then we argued about killing our baby. That it wasn’t worth keeping it anymore after what he did and that I should just move on and forget about him.. How could I forget about someone I loved for almost 3 years of my life… He promised me after he graduated we would move in together this summer. We found a house, he got a job, an we were ready to settle down. I believed ever little bit of it. I couldn’t wait to raise our child together.. But it’s all gone and over with. He’s gone, his family doesn’t want him seeing me or having any communication with me whatsoever. So does my family. They’re all disappointed in us.. Especially me. I want to keep my child… I don’t want to abort it, having to go through the emotional pain of losing my first love and my first baby an being alone after it all happens. I feel like my life is all over and done with.. My appointment for the abortion is tomorrow… I honestly just want someone to kill me now….. Please…
Please listen to your heart. You are describing your pregnancy as “my child” and “my first baby.” You are also torn and ambivalent about having an abortion. All of these are signs that you are at higher risk for much more severe emotional reactions after the abortion. You are just setting yourself up for the double whammy of losing not only your boyfriend for three years, but now also your baby.
I don’t know if it is better or not for you to forget about your boyfriend or should hope to get him back. I can’t advise you on that. But I know that if you abort your child, then you will suffer that loss FOREVER. There is no chance of getting your baby back.
Say no to the abortion. If your parents try to make you go, tell the abortionist that you don’t want to abort and are being forced into an unwanted abortion and that you’ll hold him liable if he does it anyway.
Please call a hotline for a pregnancy help center tonight. There are people and resources to help you. Trust God that somehow He has a plan to make it all work out. I promise you will never regret protecting your child’s life. But if you have an abortion, it appears certain that you will regret it not only immediately but for the rest of your life. While it is certainly possible to find healing after an abortion, you will always carry the emotional scars of an abortion. It’s far better to carry your child and the memories of your courage in protecting and nurturing your child.
You are in our prayers. Please contact us again. Hopefully with the good news that you have decided to keep your child. If not, contact us when you need help in the future.
I feel like da world is crashing over me! I made da same mistake twice, being pregnant in 2 consecutive years! Last year arnd Jan I got pregnant n did a surgical abortion 4 da very 1st time n it was pretty hectic n painful simultaneously! Got over da physical pain though it was/is hard 4 da emotional 1 to fade away! This year or presently, I’m pregnant AGAIN n my boyfriend n I decided on getting rid of da fetus as I’m still busy with my degree! I already went thru da pains n guilts of doing 1 but I feel I got no choice as I’m afraid my family is gonna bite my head off…help a sista out because I wanna do abortion again ASAP…:-(
It is unfortunately very common for women to have more than one abortion. Negative emotional and physical complications increase with multiple abortions.
We cannot strongly enough encourage you to resist the idea of having another abortion. It is a mistake to think that since you’ve been through it once, even though you hated that experience, that it won’t be as bad or even worse than the last time.
The big lie is that abortion is about choice, when as you said you feel you have “no choice.” Don’t give into the “easy way out” which just really just exchanges the short term problem of having your family upset into the long term problems, both emotional problems and physical problems, which come from having another abortion.
Please go to our pregnancy help page to find people and resources that can help untie that knot which says “you have no choice” and will instead help you to finish your degree, work things out with your family, WITHOUT sacrificing your baby or your integrity.
I really feel low since I got my abortion. I felt like it was the right thing to for me right then. But I cry everyday. I really don’t want to be around people a lot and I feel so alone even when I’m with friends.
Before this I was a happy person who loved having fun and now I feel just lost with no one to really talk to. My boyfriend asked me why I cry so much, but I don’t think he understands even though he went with me to get it.
I really feel like I’m falling apart day by day and I know god does forgive and I’m a believer in that and my faith. I have no one to talk to.
Dear Nitra,
You don’t have to feel so alone. Please call one of the hot lines listed on our page of resources for post-abortion healing. Looking on the same page you might be able to find a counselor in your own area who you can meet with face to face. Most likely, it will be a woman who has gone through the same thing you are experiencing now. You are right. Just having the compassion of someone who can really listen and understand what you are going through can be a big help.
You are in our prayers.
Hello all, I had an abortion a week ago. I really didn’t know what to do and my family convinced me it was best to keep the baby. I had thoughts of abortion and secretly wanted a miscarriage so i wouldn’t have to make a decision but didn’t want to say anything. My ex was horrible at first then came around and once we saw the baby he started talking abortion. I was only 9 weeks so it was still kind of early. I really was confident the days leading up to the abortion and the day after. But then my ex left and now I’m dealing with this all alone. Now all I want is my baby back and I regret it every single day. I randomly cry about throughout the day and I can’t control it. I’m realizing now I tricked myself into thinking it was my idea but it wasn’t. Honestly if I knew me and my ex weren’t gonna be talking I would’ve kept it. I always told myself I would never get an abortion no matter the circumstances and now I know why. I’m furious at my stupidity by thinking my relationship would get better if I did this for him, but now I’m realizing he would’ve said anything to get me to do it. I know it’s only been a week and my emotions about it are still really fresh. I hope that it will get better but I’m really fearing it won’t. Any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated.
You are not alone. It will take time. There is no magic, instantaneous cure. But with patience, the support of those who have been where you are, and the courage to face the truth and the charity to forgive yourself, him, and everyone else involved, you can and will find healing.
If you have not done so, please read our tips on finding a post-abortion ministry. While it may be too fresh of a wound to enter into a program, it is never too early to call someone and at least talk by phone or meet for a little bit of one-on-one where she can listen to your story and give you support.
Looking back, you have 20-20 vision and can now see that it was a mistake to give into his pressure in the hope of saving the relationship. Like you, I wish you had been both strong enough and wise enough to stick with your principles. But even as you have stumbled and fallen, you have and will continue to learn from this mistake and may even be able to use this experience to help someone you love someday. So, while i can realistically say that you will have some tough days ahead, I know you can find the strength and support you need to not only heal but to grow.
Call one of the post-abortion hotlines listed whenever you feel you need to have someone to talk to. They are there for you.
You are in our prayers.
I’m 16, I’ve recently had an abortion, i feel like a horrible person. I always said i wouldn’t get one as me being pregnant prior to a previous accident was a miracle in its self. I had to choose over my pregnancy or my family. Although my family mean everything to me I still feel like I’ve made the wrong decision. I feel depressed and alone. I’m just not sure what to do.
Dear Sarah,
I’m so sorry to hear that you felt obligated to abort for the sake of your family. No one should ever have to choose between their child and their family or their partner. Unfortunately, this happens often. Fortunately, because it does, you are not alone. Many women have been through very similar situations and have found healing and are now anxious to help women like you to find healing much faster than they did.
I strongly suggest that you do an internet search for “post abortion counseling Australia” to find someone close to you that you can talk to. Since it is so soon after your abortion, it may take a while for your emotions to calm down a bit before you will be ready to go through a post-abortion healing program. But it is definitely not too early to start talking to someone who can listen to you and help you through these early stages of grief.
Don’t give up hope! Also, please read our page of tips on finding a post-abortion program that will server your needs.
I had an abortion yesterday…i saw the fetus, i cant get the image out of my head-i wish i could turn back the hands of time but i cant, i feel like i murderer, no i am a murderer…i feel so so empty, so sad…. my bf resents. i dun know what to do…all i know is i was not ready for him/her..but i wish i kept here. will i ever get over it and how?
I’m so sorry for what you are going through, Noni. I wish there was an easy fix, but there isn’t. You can heal, though, but it will take time. So don’t give up hope! You will never forget but you can heal and put the pain and loss into a new perspective.
If you haven’t done so yet, please read our tips on healing after an abortion and find a post-abortion counselor who can listen to you and share your burden.
You are in our prayers.
Hi, I’m 16 yrs old I had my first abortion at 14. The farther did not want the child but I did. I was a private patient so my family paid for my abortion. I feel like I was forced to do this and pressured, and now I can never have my unborn child back. I’m emotionally distressed & I need help. A year before this when I was 13 I was raped & this has been a whole lot to cope with. Please help !!
We strongly encourage you to reach out and find a post-abortion counselor you can talk to. This is almost always free, and generally you’ll be talking to a woman who has had an abortion herself . . . and far too often, also has a history of being sexually abused as a teen. Please see our page on healing after an abortion for tips and phone numbers and web sites to find someone near you. If you have trouble finding someone, post a comment on that page and we’ll try to help some more.
Don’t give up hope. You can find healing. Sadly, the violation of your innocence and sexual boundaries when you were 13 creates it’s own huge set of problems and difficulties and makes it more likely that you will have sex with guys who don’t really respect you and won’t be there for you or the children you conceive. I know it’s hard, especially when you’re hurting and want the comfort of a good man in your life . . . but you’ve suffered so much through the rape, the sexual exploitation, damaged self-esteem and the abortion, that you really shouldn’t trust your decisions in regard to getting sexually involved again until you’ve stepped back and gotten the counseling that will help to at least start the healing process on all these different levels. If you have to have a guy in your life as a friend, right now, tell him about all the hurts you’ve experienced and that you just can’t risk getting hurt again, and so you can be friends, but only friends…at least until you work through all of these things. And any pressuring of you for more than that is NOT being a friend, it’s being an insensitive, selfish, creep!
Your not going to make any progress on the path toward healing until you get completely away from opportunistic men who see your pain and consciously or unconsciously use it as a way of getting into your pants by being sensitive.
To be fair, a very decent guy can often be attracted to sad eyes and other signs that this girl needs love and affection. It can bring out the protective, gentle instincts in a guy who wants to comfort your and heal your pain. But if in the process it leads to sex without commitment — especially before you have been through healing for all of your history of sexual exploitation and the abortion — that will just end up hurting you more. So even a loving, normally non-exploiting guy can end up hurting you and exploiting you simply because you are both needy but unready for true, lasting, committed love.
Do you get it? To heal, to truly heal, and truly mature, and truly have choices in your life that are guided by love and reason, not hurt and desperation, you need to keep guys at arms length and insist they respect that distance, especially while you are trying to work through all the baggage of your past.
You are in our prayers.
Remember, if you have trouble finding a post-abortion healing program near you, just post a request for help on the resource page for post-abortion healing and we’ll try to help some more.
I had an abortion 4 days ago. It was not an easy decision. I was only dating the father for 2 weeks at the time. His first reaction was that he was going to drag me to the hospital to get an abortion. Towards the end he finally said it was my decision. He made my choice very difficult. One day he said he would be there for me if I kept it and the very next day he would say he was going to cut off contact with me. It did not help that he is on house arrest and wouldnt be able to attend any appointments or probably not even the birth. My mom wasnt supportive either. She said if I did keep it, she wouldnt be in my life. My dads family really wanted me to keep it and thought it was a gift from my dad as he passed away almost 2 years ago. A lot of mixed reviews messed up my head a LOT. It took me a while to realize that I have to think for me and me only. I realized that people can say theyl be there for me, but at the end of the day, im the one who will have to get up with a screaming baby every night and it would be me that would have to pay for everything the baby would need. I just knew I couldnt do it by myself. It is now 4 days after the abortion and I feel like I did the right thing. No regrets in that area. I do feel alone though. The father of the baby continued to come and go as he pleased in my life so we broke up. I feel sad because I feel alone. I constantly feel sore and sad and I feel like I have no one to sook up to and love me and tell me everything is ok. Once my hormones stabilize again I may feel a bit better however it hurts so much to go through this alone 🙁
I had an abortion 3 years ago and have NEVER found the courage of strength to get throught it. I had the abortion because my boyfriend didn’t want anymore kids. I thought I was doing the right thing because finiacially I wasn’ able to do it. Now I feel selfish, I feel like I never really gave myself or the baby a chance I just made an excuse to tell myself it was something we both wanted. I think about it alot lately because I didn’t tell ayone but him so I have no one to talk to about it. I break down a little more everyday.
Dear Anita,
You don’t have to feel alone. There are lot’s of women (and men) who have been through the same loss and are now ready and willing to listen to you and offer you whatever help they can. With time, and the right help from people who can give you a safe place to talk and work through your feelings, you can stop the break down and work toward healing.
Please check out our page with tips and referral information to find a free post-abortion program. Several have free hotlines you can call.
a month ago, I realised my period was 10 days late. I took two pregnancy tests and both were positive. When I told him, he seemed happy. But then there was the dilemma, that his father would make him go back to France if he found out because they are very religious. He is only a university student, and I am an English teacher who is just starting to save up for my life. All I could think about was my baby, and when I told my older sister, she said “Get rid of it” as if it were nothing. I told her “But it’s my baby”, her reply? “Can you please stop calling it a baby! It’s like a BEAN”. That struck hard. I thought that maybe if my mother supported me, then I could keep it… But even she told me not to keep it.
When I went for the check up, doctor said I was 3 weeks along, and that I could abort with pills. So I did… I saw my baby come out of me. I saw the blood. And I felt the pain. It was unbearable. What made it worse is that I didn’t see my boyfriend for 2 weeks after the abortion, he couldn’t even accompany me to the abortion because he had to meet his dad out of town. I was depressed. And crying all the time. And instead of resting, I went straight to work as if to cover the pain…
It’s been a month, and I still have my baby’s ultrasound as my screensaver.
After this experience, I’ve learned that no man can break my heart. What broke my heart was having to give up my baby. And I just can’t seem to forgive myself.
Our hearts and prayers are with you. When you are ready to talk to someone, and especially if you need help working through the forgiveness process, please see your help with healing page.
Everything is fine turned out I was just really late and my hormones were going crazy
Thank you
How are things going? An update would be appreciated. You are in our prayers.
Hi I am 19 years old and I have a 2 yr old daughter. I just found out I am pregnant again and I want to keep it but my fiancé tells me I should have an abortion. I keep telling him I dont think I can go through that. He just does not understand how I feel he sais that if I keep it I am on my own with 2 kids. I just started college and I have been so stressed with school work just thinking about how my fiancé can easily say he wants to get rid of it. And he sais it like its nothing. I am just so afraid and I have no one to talk to. I cry every night jut the thought of having an abortion. I need help.
Don’t give in to his pressure. No man should ask a woman he loves to choose between him and his child . . . or him and her children from a prior relationship.
While many relationships survive and even thrive after having an unplanned child (a child can bring couples closer together, obviously), relationships rarely survive and abortion. This is especially true when one party is opposed to it and gives in only to please the other person. See “Can Relationships Survive After Abortion?” You might also want to read what MEB has to say in the comments here.
I would strongly recommend that you find a pro-life pregnancy help center to get some emotional and financial support from women who have been where you are and can help you sort out how to move forward . . . with or without your fiance. It’s up to him to man up and show that he really loves you enough to stand by you, not just run when loving you–and your child–requires him to show that he is responsible, caring, and committed.
I don’t know if he’ll leave you or not. But I do know that he is more likely to stay if you keep the child and ignore his ignorant and short-sighted demands for an abortion (and be thankful to you that you did ignore him), than if you had the abortion. Abortion, especially in cases like this where it goes against what you want, both morally and maternally, is poison to a relationship and something you will always regret.
Be the best mother you can be by protecting your child, now. Ask him to be the best father and lover he can be, by giving up this foolish, short-sighted demand that will plague him and you forever (if you were foolish enough to give in to it.)
Do have your baby. I hear they cry for help when their aborted. Be strong. It’s you who’s carrying the baby. No one else. I believe there are angels all around us. Be loyal to the little one. They deserve that. You might be afraid, but that will go away in time.
I am the mother of a 4 yr old and and was pregnant with another about a year ago.I had an abortion and the guilt is killing me. I made this decision based on the status of mi relationship with the father, He was abusive verbally and physically and I was afraid of being a single mom of two with no father figure in my children’s life. I am so depressed right now and feel like I have no one to turn or talk to because I am ashamed of the choice I have made. For some reason I feel like this child is the little I’ve always wanted, when I see little baby girls in the public I get really emotional but try my best to keep my composure. Just a couple nights ago I was sleeping but woke up in the middle of the night and seen what appeared to be a little girl standing by my bed, that was my breaking point. I dont know what to do anymore, I feel so lost, guilty and angry.
If you have not yet done so, please go to our page on healing after an abortion and use the websites or phone numbers there to find someone who can help you.
There is help! Don’t be discouraged. Reach out.
I had my daughter at the age of 16 in 2009. I had been with her father for 2 years before we found out I was pregnant. My family is a very strict one and telling them was the hardest part because of dissappointment I knew that was coming. It’s funny because I actually found out when I was going to get birth control. But immediately i said “i’m not keeping it” out of simple scare and surprise. However, after i talked to her father we decided to keep it. It’s carzy because we were the couple people wouldn’t expect to get pregnant, we both played sports for our high school year around and I was in every AP class you could imagine. Although my family said they’d support me either way I decided to keep the baby. And i can honestly say it’s the best decision I ever made! Me and her father are now split up, but it’s not the end of the world. He is a remarkable father we just don’t blend well together. I am now in college with my own apartment 100 miles away from home, just me and my little girl. It has been a rough road, but my oh my she is so worth it. I understand women on this site have carried on with or are considering abortion. I am not a full out pro-life supporter but being a mom i do lean towards that side, but i do see under circumstances why abortions are dealt with. I just want all the women on here contemplating back and forth to know that either way life is going to be hard, you just have to decide what’s right not just for you but for that precious baby in life. I couldn’t imagine how much harder my life would be if I had went through with the first words i said when i discovered i was pregnant. And if a baby is not for you there are options. My sister just lost her 3 month old son in December and families like her would love to t ake care of children people cannot bear. Just keep an open decision and nothing rash should be done. This is not only the child’s life you’re dealing with, it is yours as well.
God Bless
My daughter is 18 and she is about 5 weeks preagant and does not want it ,but we want her to have it .How are what could I say are do to convince her to have the baby. I know the effects of having abortion could be hard to deal with but I can not make her understand.
Our prayers are with you. I would try to convince her to read some of the testimonies of women who thought it would be for the best at the time. Perhaps ask her to read Forbidden Grief by Theresa Burke. Also, try to convey what so many have said: Few, if any, women ever regret giving birth. But many, probably most, regret an abortion.
Abortion looks like a quick fix. It looks as if it will “turn back the clock” and life will go on the way it was. But it’s not a time machine. Her life is already changed forever. She is forever and always a mother. The choice is whether she will be the mother of a child she raises and knows, a child she places for adoption and entrusts to the care of God and loving adoptive parents, or the mother of a child that died in an abortion. In the latter case, whenever she is asked in the future whether or not she has any children, she may say no, or say only the number of her living children. But in her mind and in her heart, she will be choking on the answer, remembering that she is also the mother of a child that died in an abortion. If you have ever had a miscarriage, you will know that this internal count of the children that you had which were never born is very real. It is even more so with abortion. And that is why women who try to forget about their abortions can never truly do so.
The most important thing you can do for her is to promise to love her and be there for her. Convey that you will be proud of her if she does the right thing and chooses to protect the life within her and give birth, and will support her in either raising the child or placing it her or him for adoption. But also convey that if she does go ahead with the abortion, even though you are pleading with her not to make that mistake, you will still love her and will still be there for her if she ever wants to talk or ever needs help, and if things go badly, as you fear they will, you won’t be flinging out “I told you so.” You’ll just be there with your hugs and tears to help her as best you can.
One more thing, regarding adoption. Many women refuse to consider an adoption because they already sense inside that if they carried to term they would love the child too much to give it up for adoption. This is actually a warning sign that they already have enough maternal love in them that the grief and psychological suffering following an abortion will be worse.
You, your daughter, and your grandchild are in our prayers.
Hi! I have this huge wish that your daughter decided to have her baby. I’ve been there. She must find the love in her heart that’s already there. The babies conscience is life from the very beginning. Living with an abortion is heart wrenching. It hurts your soul so much. I would encourage her and give her courage.
I’m 27 years old, and I had an abortion a little over a year ago. At the time when I found out I was pregnant, I just remember thinking “I can’t keep the baby, I cannot keep the baby.” I was still working on my master’s degree and living at home with my parents (who by the way are very strict regarding sex outside of marriage). I could not picture facing my parents and telling them I was pregnant out of wedlock with a boyfriend I was with for only two months. I was mad at myself that I was even in that position to begin with (I was on birth control). My boyfriend, however, was wanting me to keep the baby and was more than willing to do everything he could to support me and the baby.
I made the decision to have a medical abortion in January of 2011, and as much as my boyfriend opposed the idea, he was supportive throughout the whole process. After the horrific and traumatizing procedure, I remember feeling a huge wave of relief right afterwards. We decided to keep the abortion a secret from our friends and family. However, a week after the abortion, my boyfriend’s sister and her husband announced that they were expecting their first child (she and I were pregnant around the same time coincidentally). The temporary moment of relief I thought I had, soon became replaced with feelings of guilt and anger. I was angry at the fact that she was able to experience the joy of announcing her first pregnancy the “right way” and I ended up aborting my first pregnancy. I never in a million years thought I would ever end up in such a cruel ironic situation. I always thought the first time I would be pregnant, I would have been married and ready to start a family. I found myself in a nightmare that was beginning to unfold.
My boyfriend and I took it hard when we found out his sister was pregnant, but we sucked it up and managed to be supportive of her. In the meantime however, our relationship started crumbling at the seams. We were feeling a tremendous amount of guilt over the abortion. Anytime we heard a song about kids (country music is notorious for singing about babies and families), we just broke down crying. Our grief and anger turned into resentment towards each other. I became mad at myself for ever thinking I ever could have had an abortion. I love babies and I love kids. I kept going back to that moment in time when I found out I was pregnant and wished more than anything in the world the word “abortion” never came out of my mouth. I mean so what my parents would have mad? They would have been mad for a little bit and they would have gotten over it once that baby was born. So what I was working on my masters degree? I would have been done with the program when I was still pregnant with my child. My boyfriend’s sister and I could have been able to share the experiences of being expectant mothers together. Sadly, that wasn’t the case.
Due to the repercussions of our decision, my boyfriend and I broke up in July of 2011. While I turned to running to help me cope with the abortion, my boyfriend turned to alcohol as a way to cope with the abortion. I needed him as my source of strength for us to get through this nightmare together, however began to watch him fall apart before my eyes.
During those last few months, his family became upset that I had something to do with his self destruction. I began to find out that before I met him, he was just barely recovering from his alcoholism and finally was getting his life on track. Unfortunately, he was already emotionally fragile before we made an extremely emotional and life changing decision and he relapsed after our decision.
I had to cut ties with my ex for good in November of 2011 when his alcoholism turned into rage towards me and now we are both left to cope with the effects of the abortion by ourselves. The baby would have been almost seven months old today, and there is not one day that goes by that I do not think of my angel in heaven. This will go down as the worst decision of my life. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would have never had the abortion.
I would encourage both of you to seek some post-abortion counseling. In fact, it might be good for the two of you to attend a Rachel’s Vineyard weekend together. Many couples do. Often it dramatically strengthens their relationship since they have an opportunity to both grieve and heal together in a safe environment with the help and guidance of those who have been in your same situation. Given that you are no longer a couple, I would not suggest going with the intent or goal of getting back together. Simply for the goal of mourning and healing from your mutual loss. If and when you should ever get back together is a question that should be put off until well after you have both experienced substantial healing.
You are in our prayers.
I was forced by my boyfriend to go for a abortion, as he never want any children, and said if i keep the baby, I will be a single mom. I still with my parents, financialy can not afford to have on my own. I wnet for the abortion 5 days ago, it was not successfull, I had to go back for another abortion, it was a very painfull procedure. My bf was with me all the time. Im back home and none of my family members knows, so Im going through this alone. All i do is cry, and eat. Thinking I want to turn back time! This is a real disaster getting bigger and bigger!!! Any advice will help me!
Call a post-abortion support group. You need to have someone you can talk with openly who will listen to you without judgment. Sooner or later, it would be good to find a family member who can listen to your story, your pain, and your grief and not judge you. But first, go to our “healing” link and call one or more of the phone numbers for the groups listed there so you can talk to someone who has been there and understands how to help you.
Has anyone heard of Rachels Vineyard? I just went on a retreat this weekend and it has changed my life in three days. I have suffered with the pain and grief for 19 years and I finally feel free. I had not been able to forgive myself even though i knew the Good Lord forgave me, it wasn’t enough for me. It was hard for me to let my babies go, but i finally did and I’m free of guilt today because of it.
I was 14 years old when i became pregnant. my boyfriend and i had been dating for a year, and he became very violent. whenever i didnt want to have sex he would force me into it. one night he told me to go in the bedroom but i didnt want to. he took the back of my head got ahold of my hair and bashed my head into the kitchen table. it was at that point that i knew somewhere along the lines i made a mistake. so i went anyway. couple weeks later i went to the doctor to get birth control. they ran tests for cancer and pregnancy. when we left i had a track meet. i took off for my 300 m. hurdles and had a sharp pain in my stomach, i jumped over and fell, jumped over and fell, once i got to the finish line i puked, two days later i left for washington d.c. with my school choir, when we arrived there, my feet were swollen and i kept having melt downs crying. when i got back a week later i had left with my mom to go help her clean. she looked over and said the doctors office called yesterday.. i said what did they say?? she just kept driving so i said again WHAT DID THEY SAY?? she grabbed my hand and said kenzy your pregnant… when i told my boyfriend he said your own your own. i just felt so broken, like my life was over. like i had this fear that i couldnt even run away from. this baby was growing inside me?? but i’m still a child myself! my mom decided we had to abort. i guess i felt like i never really had a choice when we got there there was protestors everywhere. they got in my face screaming. when i went in i was so scared. i had to wait forever. when i went in to get the procedure done. i just felt so helpless. i didn’t want to do it. i remember walking out. still in a daze because they put me out for it. i felt empty. like my other half was gone. to this day i am now 15 its been over a year. i still feel the same as i did the day after it. i have thoughts of suicide every night before i go to sleep. i cant stay in a relation ship i hate being alone. i guess i just wish i could move on. i feel like a murderer. and that i killed god’s creation. like i’m going to hell. my only advice is that u understand that things do get better and its okay to cry about it, but for me it was probably best, i could not have afforded it or gave it a good life, i didnt want my baby to live he life i lived when i grew up.
Kenzy, you are not alone. So many women have been through a very similar experience and found healing and support by turning to each other. I can’t encourage you strongly enough to reach out to a post-abortion ministry to find someone to talk to who has been exactly where you are. You will find tips and contact information for a lot of different post-abortion healing ministries here: http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/.
Don’t give up hope! Resist those thoughts of suicide. Don’t try to hide from or cover over your pain by rushing into another relationship. You need to focus on your own healing. You need to heal and find new confidence in yourself before you can be in a successful relationship. Without healing, you’re likely to just end up in more abusive and exploitative relationships….the kind that hurting women all too easily get into when their hurt is so deep that they are willing to settle for a shadow…even a mockery…of real love.
Don’t hesitate. At the very least call one of the hotlines just to talk to someone for a few minutes:
Rachel’s Vineyard Ministries at 1-877-HOPE-4-ME (1-877-467-3463)
National Helpline for Abortion Recovery at 1-866-482-LIFE (1-866-482-5433)
Project Rachel at 1-800-5WE-CARE.
On September 28th I got an abortion. I didn’t do it out of fear, or because I simply didn’t want the child… I did, but I could not provide for a child anytime soon and I also knew I wasn’t strong enough to carry a child and then give it away. I thought I knew what I was getting into, I did research and I weighed my options for almost too long. By the time I had it, I had only a few days before it would have been too late.
Going in I felt nothing, not even nervous. For some reason, when they asked if I wanted to see the ultrasound, I said yes. Afterwards, I started crying and couldn’t stop… but I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t cry for the rest of the day, then early in the morning I couldn’t stop and had nightmares, I kept thinking I’d killed my baby. Now, I randomly feel guilty and can go weeks without even thinking about it before regretting it. I don’t know what to do, it just hits me every few weeks. I keep wondering if I did the right thing, and become obsessed for at least a few hours… I imagine “what if I hadn’t” and I can’t cry. Not that I don’t want to, I feel so guilty and sad, but I physically can’t… It feels like I gave away my right to cry. One of my friends became pregnant around the same time, about 2 weeks after me, and she’s almost due. I’m not obsessed, but she tells me about her pregnancy and where she’s at and I’m sad and jealous even while I feel like I have no right to be, but I WANT to hear about it. What do I do? How do I stop feeling like this? I don’t even like to be alone anymore, even though it’s not the case I feel like if I’m alone I’ll think about it and be upset.
Oh, Carla, please contact a post-abortion ministry and find someone to talk to, as soon as possible. Our tips and contact information are found at http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/.
I understand that it is especially hard to have a friend who is pregnant and carrying to term. The mix of conflicting emotions is so very hard to sort through, as you so well described. You want to be happy for her, but it is so hard when you are grieving your own loss.
Please hold on to hope. There is healing. There are people who understand and can help provide you with a safe place to grieve and heal and to move on . . . never forgetting your loss, but learning from it and putting it into a place in your life that provides you with perspective and strength and the ability to help others.
You are in our prayers.
I had an abortion four months ago, and since then I just hate everything. Anything to do with babies, or mothers, or pregnant women. Even baby commercials on television annoy me. I’m so disgusted by all of it. I never want to have kids and I never want to get married. I’m also very angry with my boyfriend. We made the decision together but I feel like he doesn’t understand what I’m going through. He was not there, he didn’t see what happened and he will never know what it’s like or how I feel and it makes me so mad. He wants me to talk to him about it but how can I talk to some one who will never know this pain? I generally don’t like discussing my problems with people because I feel like I don’t need anyone. I have a history of depression and was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder when I was 12, so I feel like maybe that heightens the pain a little bit? I don’t like being so jaded and angry at the world. Before all this happened I was in such a good place and now I feel like I’m at an all time low. I’ve been in therapy my whole life and don’t feel like going through that again because in the end, I felt like it was useless. What should I do?
Our hearts go out to you. We also understand your frustration with and reluctance to seek therapy. Many women have found that their therapists ignore or mishandled post-abortion grief. Most have no training in post-abortion issues and many are ideologically committed to the idea that abortion makes women’s lives better, not worse, and so they have a lot of difficulty even accepting a woman’s grief over a past abortion, much less dealing with it.
Many of your symptoms are very common. You might read more about why they are occurring and how some women have healed in Forbidden Grief. You might be able to get it from a local library.
Most importantly, we’d suggest that you find other women who have been through the same thing and now work in post-abortion healing programs. You can find a list of tips and contact information for finding a post-abortion help group in your area at http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/. They can give you peer support and trained counseling — which may be more effective than you would get from a “regular” therapist.
You are in our prayers.
Regarding the young lady who is 14 and pregnant. I’m proud of you for wanting to keep your child. The Lord will make a way. Hang in there. I guarantee you – you will not be the youngest mother on the planet. My motherly advice would be to follow through on the pregnancy. Nine months of your life is nothing – it seems like an eternity at your age but it’s not. If you don’t have the support of your family – you may want to consider then giving your child up for adoption. It doesn’t have to be “good bye.” You’ll be blessing another family and you can always request an “open adoption” so you can know how your child is doing. You’re family might be upset at you right now- but hold strong. Everyone will respect you later after you’ve made the right decision to give birth and decide with your family’s guidance and support what is best from there. I deeply regret the abortion I had at the age of 21. I’m 43 now. I knew I wasn’t ready to be a mom – but too afraid at the thought of some day getting a knock on the door by someone I gave up for adoption saying, “hi, I’m your biological child.” …What I wouldn’t give today to hear that knock at my door. My two kids would love to find out they’ve got another sibling. God is good though. I’m forgiven. What peace he has given. All best to you. I admire you.
my friends 14 and shes pregnant im really scared cuz she wants to keep it but she wants my advice whats best for her ? please help xx
We would recommend that she meet with someone at a pro-life pregnancy help center as soon as possible. There she will find understanding and help, including help and advice regarding when and how to discuss her pregnancy and desires to keep the child with her parents. A good place to find help is to visit or call OptionLine at 800-712-4357.
Tell her that you love her and that you’re there for her. I bet you’ll be helpful to your friend too. Babies are voiceless, so give your friend the gift of strength, and be there when she needs you.
im so sorry you guys 🙁
I really would like to know why or how can any nurse be able to perform abortion on any women whos severly depressed, after reading some ladies stories here some very similar to my own …..going thru operation , counselling very upset and sobbing througout. I am under impression no one can or should make serious descions under such depressed state of mind. Im wanting to know why the doctors or nurse are able to go ahead when we are not in right state of mind….
Hello, I have a close friend Who has recently discovered she is pregnant at 18, and has automatically decided to have an abortion. I have two friends that have had abortions in the past, one killing herself, and one being hospitalized for severe depression… I was wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to talk to my friend about the idea of potentially keeping the baby? She has me, and a wonderful boyfriend who has offered to completely re-arrange his life, and even marry her to provide for her and the baby. I have experienced what abortion does to people, and the last thing I want is to lose my friend…
Hi Sammy,
I would suggest trying to convince her of one thing: Abortion does not turn back the clock. It will not put her life back the way it was. Her life is already, forever changed. She is a mother. The question is whether she will be the mother of a dead child whom she will always wonder about, or a live child whom she will always love.
Encourage her to read some of the testimonies on this website about women who thought an abortion was the best way to protect their future but instead found that it was a Pandora’s box filled with psychological nightmares. Then remind her of what these other friends have been through.
Help her to feel your deep concern is for her, herself. Encourage her to at least talk to somebody at a pregnancy help center.
Many women regret their abortions but few, if any, ever regret having their children…even when they may decide to place the child for adoption.
Our prayers are with you and her.
It is helpful to see the comments and support here. I am in a difficult position, and don’t know what to do. I am married and have a beautiful 8 year old daughter. My husband for the most part is a good man, but it is like he suffers from depression and he goes into these spells where he is selfish, disconnected, unloving, and unhappy with all aspects of our lives and does very stupid things. This is not often but it is very difficult for me to deal with the painful consquences. I can not begin to tell you how much this hurts. His actions is why we have only had one child up until this point, as we were not back to a comfortable place. We have been really happy the last two years, and decided to go ahead and give it a shot. Now I am pregnant with twins. And all of sudden he is emotionally gone and unavailable again. I don’t know what to do. I am 13 weeks pregnant…I don’t know if I can do this on my own, I don’t feel like it is fair to these babies, and I am not sure how on earth we can support twins with separate households. I don’t know if I can deal with the consequences of an abotion either.
First, hang in there. God has a plan and will help you, perhaps later than you like, but He will help you and someday you will be so happy that you persevered.
Second, go find a pro-life pregnancy help center . . . at least for the friendship, support and counseling. They may also be able to help get your husband into either individual or couples counseling. A counselor may be able to get through to him about how you need him to be more connected, and perhaps need him to get on an anti-depressant or other medication. This distancing behavior could be due to his inability to deal with some stress, perhaps even your pregnancy. There are endless possibilities. Perhaps he’s struggling with some prior loss, even a prior abortion loss, that is being aggravated by your pregnancy which reminds him of that loss. (Don’t put much weight in that hypothesis, but things like that can happen.)
In any event, I know many people think that pregnancy help centers are just for unmarried women, but they actually have a lot of help and resources to offer married women in situations like yours. Just having the friendship and support of women you meet there might be a huge help to you.
You are in our prayers, April. Don’t despair. Don’t give up hope!
when i did it i didnt really want to but apart of me said i had to. i looked at the ultra sound in the doctors office and i took a picture and i would stare at that pic every day.. it wasnt healthy so i had to delete it.. i cry my self to sleep at nights, i dont think i love my boy friend as much i did before, some time i feel like i hate him, i get really upset at times, im feeling depressed all the time.. i didn’t know how long this will go on for its been five months. my cousin has a little baby girl and every time i look at her i think WHAT IF….
Our prayers are with you, Abigail. Please contact a post-abortion peer support group using the link or phone number in the article above. So many women have been exactly where you are, and they want to help you.
I have been seeing someone for over a month now and we had formed a really tight bond and strong feelings for each other and were ready to become a couple. That was until i found out i was pregnant i am now 6.5weeks and he is completely angry about it all and wants me to get rid of it but that goes against everything i have always believed in and even though i have considered doing it for him as he said he will always be there for me and to help me through everything. i just can’t put myself through it all especially after reading what the other women have gone and are still going through. i dont know what to do and i am so confused right now. he has told me i am ruining his life by keeping this baby and ruining everything that we share together. he feels that he has to sacrifice so much if i keep this baby but he doesn’t realize he won’t have to sacrifice anything at all especially the things he is talking about. i really don’t know what to do or who to talk to and i am scared and confused.
Hold strong, Jess. Don’t do what you know will only hurt you and violate your own beliefs in the hope you can save a relationship…which might not last anyway. If he truly loves you, he will stay with you and it will turn out that he will love this child too, as his own, and love you more for standing up for yourself and this baby, and, whether he knows it now or not, him. Because if you went through with this abortion, it is nearly 100% certain you would eventually split up because this abortion would be a source of pain, guilt, and accusations between you. And whether you split up or stay together, he will eventually feel great guilt for having pushed you into an unwanted abortion. Men suffer delayed emotional trauma just like women.
You have a better chance of keeping him in your life if you stay strong and do what you know is right. If he does leave you, he might come back. If he doesn’t come back, God will reward you with a child whom you will love far more than any ex-boyfriend, and eventually a man who will truly love you and your child as you are meant to be loved.
You are in our prayers. We also encourage you to go to a pro-life pregnancy help center where you can find friends, good counseling, and resources to help you. One way to find help ASAP is to call 1-800-712-HELP.
9 nine days ago I found out I was pregnant with a little girl. I was 24 weeks and never knew it. I had a pretty normal period, no weight gain,no morning sickness, my emotions stayed the same and I never felt her presence. I didn’t even realize it til I felt her kick one night. The next day I went to a dr. to have it confirmed. I didn’t even know that you could be that far along and not know something wasn’t right.
Needless to say my boyfriend was less than thrilled. I have poly-cystic ovarian syndrome which basically means that I shouldn’t have been able to get pregnant. I have been told since I was fifteen that I would probably need professional assistance whenever I was ready for children. I knew it wasn’t the best time to have a child right now. But I basically thought this was a miracle baby and I was going to take what I could get even if it was a few years early.
He didn’t agree. I had an abortion yesterday. I cried through the entire process. The paperwork,ultrasound,counseling session, vitals and when they gave a shot to stop her heartbeat. I went to bed crying that night and repeatedly told my bf how much I hated him, but in reality I hated myself more.
The next morning I woke up feeling like a completely different person. It was like I was dead inside. The whole way to the clinic I never said a word. I was crying when they took me into surgery and crying when I woke up. I feel so dumb because the only reason I did it was because I was scared I would lose my bf. I even told him the first day when we were filling out paperwork that I didn’t want to do this, that I wanted to go home. I said it over and over and all he said was sign the papers.
Don’t get me wrong. I have a wonderful bf and he has been taking care of me and letting me know that he will do whatever to make me happy. But I feel like it’s too late. I’ve already begun to feel suicidal and it just happened. I can’t imagine making it through the next years. and the crazy part of me wants my bf to hurt like I hurt when he made me get an abortion. And I know losing me would do that.
Oh Jasmine, we are so sorry for your loss. At the same time, we understand why you felt you had to please your boyfriend by doing what he wanted, even though everything in you wanted to not do it. It’s also understandable that you want him to feel the hurt you have experienced.
The only advice we can give is to (1) not pretend like nothing is wrong and (2) to reach out to a post-abortion ministry so you can share your tears and grief with women who have been through exactly what you are going through. They are your best hope for the support and understanding you need. If you need a place to start looking for help in your area, check out the resource list here: http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/
hi my names marissa. i just had an abortion 2 weeks ago and ever since then i feel like a total different person my emotions are out of whack. i’m over thinking everything. i’ve become paranoid when it comes to my bf cheating on me and leaving me. i’ve never had these crazy obsessive feelings before. i also cant sleep and cry about it almost every night. is it normal to have crazy mood changes after? and if so is there anything i can do to cope with it and fix it ?
Hi Marissa,
It’s not uncommon for some women to experience such profound reactions so soon after an abortion. Many can push it behind them for a long time, while for others, like you, it can intrude into one’s thoughts daily, or even hourly.
While it may all be too recent to begin participating in an actual post-abortion healing program, it would still be helpful for you to have someone to talk with who has been in the same place you are. So I would recommend you try to get in touch with a post-abortion ministry to have someone to talk with. Here’s a good place to start looking for help in your area http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/
i am sorry you are going threw this . do not give up , if you give up who going to take care of your child . just hold in there and be strong
I have been married 10 yrs. the only person I’ve been with is my husband. I became pregnant at 21. He made me abort it and again at 30 because he didn’t want anymore kids. He never wanted any. We have two children because he thinks I deliberately didn’t take my pills which is not true. He wants to be intimate as if nothing has happened, I don’t want to as I feel he should be able to accept the consequences that comes with intimacy.
I think about these Events everyday . We already had issues with intimacy since I was sexually abused as a child. Am I overreacting about being intimate? I feel like a hypocrite .
Xa , I can sense the betrayal and confused feelings of wondering whether what you are feeling is appropriate. What makes you think you are over reacting or that you are a hypocrite?
I had an abortion about 3 days ago and I’m having a really hard time dealing with it. I feel so empty because I made this decision based on my boyfriend demands. I have shut off all my family and I’m not sure what to do and who to talk with. I am even ashamed to pray to God because I did wrong.
Nicole, our hearts and prayers go out to you. We hope you find a loved one you can talk to. But we especially hope you will get in touch with a post-abortion counselor soon. Here’s a good place to start looking for help in your area http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/
i had an abortion two and a half years back. when i had my abortion i didnt tell my boyfriend about it. a few days later i did tell him about it but he wasn’t there for me. about half a month later we broke up. i was very upset at the time but as time passed i got over it. but every time i hear about abortions or babies or even mention of the name of the hospital i got my abortion from makes me very upset. at times i start to think about what happened and i find it hard to get myself together again.
Alice, because you continue to get emotional when confronted with things that remind you of your abortion, it appears that you could benefit from post-abortion counseling. There are obviously deep and troubling emotions that are looking for a way to be expressed. This is why, even though you try to not think about it and to “feel good,” little things like the name of the hospital can trigger anxiety, depression or other reactions.
On some level, your mind is telling you that you need to confront and deal with these emotions. But you are understandably scared to just let them loose. That is why a post-abortion counseling program can do you so much good. It will give you a safe place to express your feelings and also get support from those who have been exactly where you are today. Please look at the “Healing” link at the top of each page to find a program in your area that can help you.
I have a friend who had an abortion when she was 24. It is several years later now, and I see her struggling with depression and illogical accusations in some of her closest relationships. I am the only person on who knows about it, and she has not told her dad or mom, or her sister. She says she is fine and it isn’t an issue, but it just seems to me that something is bothering her and I think it must be this. But she refuses to even run it by a counselor. I am really worried about her. What responsibility do I have to her. Is there ever a time I should tell her parents or go get her help. I know she gets down when she sees babies and on mothers day. Could it really not be bothering her, and I am just thinking about how I would feel? I know her parents are against abortion, but they are nice people. I think it would eat me up if I was carrying a secret like that. What should I do? Thanks. Chantel.
I wish I had a sure fire answer for you. Unfortunately, it’s a very difficult situation. It sounds like you have made clear to her that you are there for her, willing to listen, and just want to help, not judge. That may be the most you can do.
I would NOT recommend tipping off her parents about the abortion. I think it would be more likely to backfire than be helpful. You may be one of her only life lines. Don’t risk burning that bridge by a betrayal of her trust. If you are normally in communication with her parents, it might be okay to mention that you are worried about her depression and think she would benefit from seeing a counselor. If they are noticing the same thing, they might also encourage her to get counseling . . . but they don’t need to know about the abortion, only that she is struggling with depression.
You might also try reading a book like “Forbidden Grief,” then after you spot a few things in it that you want to mention to her, you could encourage her to read the book, too. Perhaps that would help her to recognize some patterns in her own life that are similar to those in the lives of other women. More importantly, she will hopefully pick up from such a book the idea that if she confronts and works through unresolved issues, her life will tremendously improve. She needs a good dose of hope in order to motivate her to open herself up to the healing process.
You and your friend are in our prayers.
I had a friend today have an abortion and she seems more okay with it than me. She says she doesn’t like that’s she has to make this decision bc one day she does want kids. I just want to cry bc she had to make this choice. I try every second since I found out to give my emotions to God because all I want to do is cry, and hug her. I see kids and baby’s and just want to cry. I pray she doesn’t have a really hard time with this she has been through a lot this last year but she knows I’m here for her with anything.
It’s good that you are there for her. Let her know that you will always be there to listen if she wants to talk about it. At the right time, you may be in a position to help her find a good post-abortion healing program.
I can relate to all of the comments.I did an abortion 2 days ago and my boyfriend was suppose to come see me the next day and he couldn’t,and I have to admit that I resent him even though he wanted us to keep it.The most difficult part is having no one to talk to,for some reason I think my boyfriend wouldn’t understand.I feel like I’m going to explode because of keeping my feelings to myself.
Our hearts go out to both you and your boyfriend at this very difficult time. I suspect that he wants to support you, but he’s also having a very hard time dealing with his own grief and confusion. He’s may also be afraid that exposing his grief and confusion to you will only make things harder for you. And also afraid that being with you and hearing what you are feeling will make his feelings hurt more…and all of it could turn into a negative cycle.
So, it is at least possible that his avoiding you is not a sign of rejection but a sign of hurt and fear of more hurt.
Here’s a link to get you started looking at some of the ways abortion can impact men. (See all four articles in Post-Abortion Review, Volume 4, Number 4)
It’s all very hard to come to a new balance in a relationship after an abortion. Many find it impossible to do so. Some do manage, however, so I don’t want to discourage you from trying.
Just remember that abortion can be a significant emotional trauma for men, too.
I know this is a terribly hard time for you. I know you need your loved ones with you. You deserve to have them with you.
But all I can suggest is to be patient and keep reaching out to him and to realize that he may need comfort too. If you can mourn your loss together, that is a good start.
I can relate… I just had an abortion on saturday and everyday since i cry and feel so alone. The choice was totally mine and im still glad about it bc im so financially unstable and wouldnt have had the resources to take care of a child. Im only 19 and still have alot of things i want to do. So i know i made the best decision. But its just hard everyday because of what i know that i actually did.
even though my boyfriend says hes there for me he hasnt really been there. i feel like i cant really explain to him how i feel. He says hes sad about it too yet i havent really seen any emotion from him. He still hangs out with his friends all the time and barely even spends alone time with me anymore. I feel so alone and idk what to do. I already had severe deppression and PTSD before all of this because i was sexually abused by my step dad for 16 years and i feel like all those feelings are coming back too. I just wish there was a way to just let someone know how i feel without trying to explain it bc even telling them i feel like no one understands me.
Feelings of sorrow and isolation are common. And you are right to be concerned that the abortion may aggravate and complicate your ability to cope and heal from the depression and PTSD related to your history of sexual abuse. Layers of trauma can feed each other and complicate your ability to cope with each event. We encourage you to seek counseling from someone trained in post-abortion and sexual abuse issues. Please look at our page on post-abortion healing tips for some guidance. When you can speak with someone who has already been there you won’t feel like you’re telling your story to someone who can’t relate or may even be afraid to understand or respond. So many friends and family members will just be uncomfortable with the whole thing, and not know how to listen or help. That’s why I encourage you to call one or more post-abortion healing programs to find someone who can listen to you from the point you art at.
Regarding your boyfriend, he’s being honest that he’s sad about it too, which is also why he’s avoiding you. He doesn’t know how to express or process his grief, especially in a way that won’t just add to yours. He also doesn’t know how to deal with any regrets . . . because he’s afraid that doing so will just make you feel worse since you still believe it was the right choice. In short, it’s hard for him to know how to work through his own grief, just like you don’t know how. And on top of that, he doesn’t know how to help you with your grief without adding to either his or your pain. He’s confused, too. Being away from you may be easier for him. That doesn’t make it right or helpful, but it is understandable and also help to explain why so few relationships will survive an abortion.
This can be a very tough time for both of you.
Please reach out to find a trained post-abortion counselor. Talking to “amateurs” like your boyfriend or family members is just not the same, and is very likely to frustrate more than help you.
Hi. I found out I was pregnant on a monday and had it terminated on Wednesday. Vacuum aspiration. It wasn’t particularly painful, but extremely uncomfortable. Before, interim and after the abortion I do not know how to feel. It was entirely my descision and was the first thing that came to my mind when I got the positives. I am a student and I’m battling with my finals now. I still honestly don’t know what to feel. I feel next to NOTHING. No regret, no guilt. Nothing. I am not a bad person.This is my 1st and LAST!but why don’t I feel? Why? I’m not even depressed. I don’t know what or how to feel! Please help me.
There are many different reactions to abortion. Some women feel immediate depression. Others only later. Still others never feel depressed, but might or might not have other reactions.
Not feeling anything, as you describe, is actually relatively common. In some cases, especially when a woman feels she should be feeling something different than she seems to be experiencing, as you describe, is that your psychological defense mechanisms are simply blocking out any feelings. Denial and repression are actually normal and often valuable defense mechanisms. A soldier who has just witnessed an otherwise shocking sight who can suppress any negative feelings about it to focus on tasks at hand, for example, is successfully using psychological defense mechanisms to stay fully functional.
So defense mechanisms have their proper place. On the other hand, if they are maintained too long, they can be harmful to your well being and emotional health. A sign of this would be a reduction in the range of all of your feelings. In other words, if your defense mechanisms suppress not only negative feelings but also your positive feelings (loss of happiness) and you are walking around like a zombie, then the very same psychological defenses which are protecting you from pain are also destroying your ability to be happy. It may be that you should just relax and be alert for when and if you ever need to talk to someone about your experience.
It may be that you won’t be able to really feel on a conscious level what you are feeling on a deep level until you feel safe enough to feel and share those feelings with others. Does that make sense? Put another way, perhaps you shouldn’t be in a rush to “know what or how to feel” but should instead find people who can give you the support and love you need to feel it is safe to feel whatever is going on inside when and if you decide you need some understanding and support.
hi i am only 16.. i fell pregnant and the beginning of this year… everyone around me told me to have an abortion and my mum made me…. i had no control over it… and now i dont sleep, eat or do anything, dropped out of college.. i am still with my boyfriend but i feel like i cant talk to him about all this… really dont know what to do… coz crying about it aint going to help…
We encourage you to contact a post-abortion counseling program for support. Here’s a good place to start looking for help http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/
I am 17 and i know how you feel. I got pregnant in February of this year and did not know till i was two and a half months. my mom and dad made the decision for me to get an abortion. There are good days and there are bad days for me. I am strongly against abortions and now i blame myself for not saying no.
I NEED HELP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN NOT COPE ANYMORE , HAVE BEEN TO CHURCH AND CONFESSION !!!!!!!!!!! STILL CARRY A TERRIBLY STRONG GUILT ABOUT THIS . I HAVE ONE 7 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER …I HATE MY LIFE , LOVE MY LITTLE GIRL BUT FEEL I WAS FORCED BACK “THEN” TO MAKE A DECISION THAT I TRULY HAD NO CONTROL OVER …:( PLEASE HELP ME …………LIVE IN FLORIDA AND ABOUT TO LOSE MY MIND OVER THIS PROBLEM .
Dee, I am sorry you are going through such a difficult experience. Have you contacted any ministries work with women and men who have experienced abortion? I am not a counselor of any sort, but it may be that you have unresolved issues that you still need to work through. Not feeling better even though you’ve been to church and confession (or even already had some counseling) is not a sign that there is something wrong with you or that you are crazy … it probably just means that there are still things that need to be addressed. If you haven’t done so already, I would suggest contacting one of the groups listed on our healing page at http://afterabortion.org/help-healing/. Please know that we are praying for you!
Dee
I know exactly how you feel. I had an abortion as a result of an abusive marriage. I did not want to bring another child into the world to face such a horrible way of life. I hardened my heart and blocked out the event for many years so I wouldn’t have to face what I done. I really thought I was making the right decsion only to realize the emotional effects years later.I finally got some peace when I made a one on one confession to the Lord. I even visualized asking my aborted child for forgiveness The emotional pain was more than I could have ever imagined. I had to forgive myself for the action and resolve that the pain will stay with me forever but there is a way to manage it and I get a sense of relief knowing I will see my child in heaven one day. You will be in my daily thoughts.
hi… i am not a professional but i have dealt with the same decision. i too have rarely found peace with that decision to kill my child. however i found church only to help when I accepted how severe what i had done really was. i stopped lying to myself and others and now i deal with the choice i made. second please realize this choice was equivalent to most as losing a child. now u have a 7 year old daughter you say. imagine losing her. you would grieve for quite some time right. as would i if i lost my 9 year old son. 4 years ago i killed and rejected my unborn child because i found out i was pregnant the day i went to the hospital to have my broken face x-rayed.(my face was broken by that child’s would be father.) now today i live for the son i have come to terms with what i have done i am open and honest. i accept the shame and know God has forgiven me. when faced with that decision a second time after a rape. i chose to keep that baby because i knew the devastation of killing a child a second time would in turn kill me. now i have also a 1 year old little boy, and when we die (me and my 2 boys) we will meet their brother or sister at the gates of heaven. getting over this is not about coping or dealing with the decision it is about repenting, feeling truly sorry, asking for forgiveness from God but mainly and most important FORGIVING YOURSELF. imagine the woman who ran over her child in a parking lot after forgetting the baby in the car seat on the ground while packing up her groceries. we all make mistakes that hurt and sometimes we make mistakes that kill… but if we are truly sorry we will find forgiveness and peace in Jesus’ arms.
Jesus please hold this woman show her the peace and the grace u have shown me in finding a way out of the grief remorse and guilt from killing our unborn children. As you said on your cross “we knew not what we did” and we beg for your forgiveness and i pray you give this woman the strength and ability to forgive herself. I pray that you give her the grace to continue with her life with that child in her thoughts but release her from the anguish of the memory. please Jesus show us your mercy and grace as we all know none of us deserve it. Amen…
BEAUTIFUL!!!
Try Rachel’s Vinyard. Have heard very wonderful testimonies from women who have gone through their program of healing. Do not be afraid!!!